Return to Form: Esperanza After Leukemia

This one's kind of heavy. I was hoping that I'd be making a hype video from clips of training, hospital, climbing, and the send over my Dad reciting Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night, but that wouldn't be an accurate representation of myself, the process, or my feelings towards either. If I was making this video for other people, either climbers or outside observers, I would've done that, but ultimately I run this channel and make videos for myself.
I know that I would be thinking it if I hadn't gone through this, so I would also like to address the fact that this recovery was fast. Do not think that the physical or emotional toll of this process was easy. I cannot offer any proof of either except this video where I state that I no longer love something I had for fifteen years prior. I think a lot of fellow climbers will echo the sentiment that I did not ever think that could happen.
Anyway it's back to regular vlogs and shit talking after this one.
Cancer details: • Bit of a Vibe Check ngl
Original Send: • Esperanza V14
Be The Match (it is basically impossible to match outside of EXACT ethnic group): bethematch.org/
Donate Platelets: www.vitalant.org/platelets

[@barrmalec]

As a fellow leukemia survivor, my take on this is both aligned and different from yours. I changed my life to spend more time climbing (and hiking and learning) not because there is any inherent meaning in "sending", but because mastery is meaningful, and the process itself is meaningful. Nobody will care at the end that you climbed a bit of rock with a particular label on it, and we all hope to be lucky enough to be of an age where our bodies aren't able to send the gnar, but a life spent getting better, developing mastery, doing hard things, and being outdoors with friends is meaningful. That you came back from chemo to send Esparanza is a remarkable accomplishment -- and the send itself isn't the remarkable bit.

[@antoine9498]

These were deep words, thank you Tristan. My relationship to climbing changed in quite a similar fashion. Not in the same magnitude as for you probably, I did not have any chemo, only minor physical issues. But they were sufficient to change my vision of the world. And climbing was part of this. Now I cannot help but to find myself worrying for people throwing all their eggs into one single basket. Transitions are difficult, they impose deep changes and generate heavy uncertainties. Time and experiences help us to leave these periods, and we eventually reach more peaceful places and feel strong again. I have found back my love for climbing (though my approach is very different from before) and found a balance in my life again. I am sure you will as well!

[@nathanielwoodbury2692]

Hearing you talk about this stuff is incredible.. in this video and the previous video going over what happened, I wanted the video to continue on for long after it ended. You’re so strong and resilient, it just motivated me tremendously. Thank you for sharing this with us dude..

[@FooDawg]

Hodgkin's survivor here (1996). Strong work homie. *high five*

[@scottking2962]

Very to glad to hear you are doing well on your physical recovery and a very real and very mature take on those with an obsessive, passion hobby lifestyle.

[@wegalsziel]

I just stumbled across your video. I feel you 100%. I got diagnosed with AML November 2022. I am right at the end of my 5. and last chemo cycle (no BMT planed so far). I was into ultra trail running and some serious long distance hiking. It was my life. 6 months of chemo took it's toll. I fear I am never going back to my old normal. I hope for a lifelong remission. As I am at the end of my therapy I wonder if I can pick up my old form again. I will try and probably document it on YT aswell. I don't know how to fill the gap if I won't be able to achieve my goal. Best of luck to you.

[@Tort-]

thanks for sharing dude, i hope you find what you're looking for

[@moistheat]

Wow man this is some heavy stuff, thank you for sharing. At the end, you make a really good point about not relying on climbing as the sole 'purpose' in life or what have you. Really it can be anything, if you have one hobby or skill or way of life, things will spiral out of control when it is taken away. I've felt suicidal when I was only reliant on rock climbing to get me through life. My perspective has shifted to having a few physical activities outside of rock climbing that I both do casually as set goals towards, as well as shit that is not physical, like reading etc. Hard to put this kind of stuff out there but I think you are the man and this is really good for the community so thank you.

[@BiggFanDDD]

That's some good advice at the end. Not relying on singular definitions of who you are. It was hard for me to separate who I was from what I did for a while but I did eventually. I think it's just by getting older that we realize these things, become more mature, self accepting. That emptiness, or hollow feeling, is what life has become at this point. Nothing much matters. But in a strange way, although it's distressing, it freed me to become a better person. Having to reconcile identities with hollowness really forces a drastic shift in worldview.

[@TimondeNood]

Hi Tristan, I kind of have the same type of problems. I really get so addicted, hyped and heavily interested about some hobbies, for example I had this with music, math and now also climbing. For me often this translates into trying to reach hard goals and sometimes eventually reaching them, to just realize you have to set a new goal to keep yourself satisfied. Althought I hate this about myself it has also learned me to work hard and to meet people who think about these topics differently. It is who I am. I always try to question myself why I want to achieve certain goals. For example I want to write a good piece of music or to understand a difficult theorem in math, the same for climbing. I want to do this climb that I know will be at my limit. Why do I want to do that? Just to show people I can? Partly yes, but also partly for myself, you want to show it to yourself you can do it. Along the way, you might face struggle or obstacles, think about them, try to solve them. And this is how I try to find joy in reaching the goals. It's the classic cliché, "you have to try and enjoy the process as well". If I do not enjoy the process anymore, which I have encountered so many times in the past, it's good to find new methods or views on how you are doing the process. Climbing is ofcourse so much more than reaching a goal or grade. I'm hopeful that you'll refind your hype. Maybe in other types of climbing. Maybe in establishing new climbs, hiking places and finding new boulders? Maybe in indoor routesetting? You have a lucky gift man, you got the genetics to climb hard. I know I cannot help you directly and you'll have to solve this by yourself and maybe you eventually do retire and that's ok. I think your mindset is already very healthy because you are indeed questioning yourself why you do certain things. If you'll continue to do this you will struggle as I do, but you will learn a lot about yourself for example that is "I hate certain things about myself in the past". If I had to choose between the more "the more happy me in the past" or the "the more unhappy me now who knows a little bit more about the difficulty of life and knowledge in general. I'd always pick the second one.

[@felipegarcia05189]

Thank you for speaking your truth, i am still inspired by watching you try hard

[@Trevino293]

You have to keep sending so you can talk shit.... Sending love and appreciate the Candor.

[@zoaxanthellae]

Sometimes the full feeling of an accomplishment only reveals itself slowly, sometimes not at all, but I hope you can find that generosity to let people be proud of you, as I'm sure many are, at least dorks on KZbin like me

[@connormccafferty5288]

Hell yeah man

[@uriagmon]

👑

[@rafaelmarthae6913]

As a relatively new climber, it feels like my psyche for climbing will last forever, but prior experience with other sports has resulted in a lingering worry in the back of my mind so it's pretty harrowing to hear this. That being said, I think it's 1000x times better that you speak about it honestly instead of romanticizing the recovery and pretending things are normal again.

[@nickhenscheid369]

This is part of why I've struggled with goal setting in climbing - I love it too much to want to attach my enjoyment to achieving goals. I could climb no harder than 5.10 for the rest of my life and so long as it's with great people and in beautiful places, that'd be OK. Sure, I'd love to climb 5.14/V10/whatever but the goal isn't worth sacrificing my joy so if it doesn't happen, I'm not worried. The point is, if sending hard shit and chasing goals doesn't bring the same joy any more, maybe explore the other aspects you love about climbing: the people and the places. Maybe you can find a way to have fun romping around on easy stuff with good friends, just enjoying the views & the company. If that can re-set the baseline feeling of connection & value to climbing, maybe hard goals will feel better later on. I like the suggestion to try a different modality: maybe you'd be psyched on multipitch trad? IMO the best days of climbing I've ever had are being 500 feet up on some crazy dome or spire in the backcountry. Not for everyone but you never know.

[@aranna_]

Just spraying here but I feel like climbing changed from something fun into this cynical pursuit of physical (and probably mental) redemption. I hope you can figure out how to get that excitement back, whether its from climbing or something else. Like you said in the end of the video - we all need an outlet of some sort. Hope you find it.

[@marcusgee9724]

Leukemia gives you climbing super powers!!!!

[@Woman-Kisser]

Is what you're feeling different from burn out?

[@TChenRock]

Yeah, burn out comes more from over doing it or spending too much time on something IMO. Whereas I feel like I'm struggling more with what is driving my pursuit. I still enjoy the process and improving my craft

[@conifer9879]

Could also be depression from being disabled for 6 months

[@MythAvatar]

It's unsurprising the send felt hollow honestly. You go from a crusher who ticks decent blocks and relates the progress they make on projects with their progress as a person. "I'm a climber, it's who I am" (And all that I am). To someone who's had everything put into perspective; you've gone through a near death experience, something life changing. Climbing a rock is pointless. It's pointless. We only do it because, the struggle we go through, in order to do so, is given meaning; simply by the time and effort it takes to achieve it. I'm unsurprised you now find this dissatisfying. I'd suggest putting grade chasing/climbing hard shit to the side. You could climb in a totally different fashion; Sport, trad, even mountaineering. Something that feels decently different and offers different adventure. Take 1-6 months off and come back, see how you feel. Maybe find a different hobby? Honestly if you're expecting something to suddenly reawaken in you and make you realise there was meaning after all, perhaps you're barking up the wrong tree, because...there's no meaning to anything. I'd just suggest putting steps in place to either make climbing something that makes you happy again, or find other things and people that will.

[@billr5842]

The reason you guys talk about this is because many people in the climbing community value their self worth and others based on how hard you climb. If you don't climb hard enough there's a certain clique of people who treat you differently, your worth is lower. This creates an atmosphere where everyone is trying to push themselves not because they necessarily want to, but because that's just the environment. The same goes with social media, people constantly spraying stories about what they are doing and it's just a constant circle jerk. Avoiding social media, treating everyone with respect, and not getting caught up in the, 'scene' has really improved my climbing experience. Of course I still push myself and train hard, but it's a much more enjoyable experience.

[@Squids_Vlogs]

Ya when I put myself too into climbing I got injured and kinda lost all meaning and shit. I see some people do that. Lifestyle climbers some people call them. There’s a lot more to life than climbing hard. Why think climbing will be your only passion? Try all the things in life I say now

[@faragematheus]

strong message, hit me in a good spot! adaptation and atualization are constant. keep it healthy

[@kazhatfield1346]

👏🙌🔥❤️ @freshlifechurch