r/TIFU By Accidentally Kidnapping a Child!

[@rSlash]

Protip: don't kidnap minors

[@RubberMayhaps]

I will not follow that tip lol

[@TheBluePhoenix008]

This sign can't stop me cause I can't read

[@TheBluePhoenix008]

@@RubberMayhaps 🤝

[@averagejoe8358]

Cheers, I'll try to remember that but I'm making no promises.

[@maieen2665]

@@TheBluePhoenix008 R.I.P. Arthur :/

[@tkb5726]

The waterboarding story has me MORTIFIED. Holy shit OP 😭

[@DopeioThePhoneBoi]

RIIIGHT? LIKE IT JUST GOT WORSE AND WORSE, I-

[@acelikesbread4242]

NO BECAUSE MY EYES KEPT GETTING WIDER AND WIDER

[@Papiseed]

A normal day for xc runners💀

[@RandomPerson-tj2ro]

I WAS DYING FOR A GOOD 5 MIN LISTENING TO IT-

[@cryptfire3158]

LOL and he waterboarded HIMSELF!!! that's the funny part.

[@KoriMasho]

Falling asleep is a hell of a compliment to the massage therapist. It shows that you're in a state of extreme relaxation. It's not a bad thing, and it happens aaaaaaaaall the time.

[@FearMyLadyBits]

Yeah, but I snore on my back. Super embarrassing.

[@floxesoffoxes5262]

@@FearMyLadyBits I'm a masseuse and trust me, nobody minds if you snore.

[@ArcanineEspeon]

A few years ago, the woman giving me a facial told me the same thing. I bet those people who served R were used to people like him waking with a start all the time.

[@Cats.Got.My.Tongue]

When my sister was hairdressing, I’ll never forget her telling me that she’d much rather deal with a guy *getting hard* than having to deal with one *going hard* (and by going hard I mean as in rigomortous!) As it turns out, apparently a surprising number of elderly clients actually die lying down in the relaxed reclined position at the rinsing basins whilst enjoying their head massage experience.💆‍♂️ Talk about finishing the story of your life off with a happy ending! (🤣Hehehe..too soon?!!!) And for those concerned about their snoring there’s 😴 no need to be embarrassed at all, my sister said it’s actually quite comforting to know that at least you are still alive!👍So yeah, it’s all good, snore away! 💤

[@maygoodcometous1]

When I used to do massage, I worked with a lot of traders. Very stressed people. One of my patients told me that there were only two places he could sleep soundly for longer than 15 minutes at a time: his couch (!!!), and my table. Literally. He would already be asleep when I would come in after letting him get undress and under the draping. I joked with him once, asking him how did he really know I worked on him. I mean, I could just come in after the first half hour, have him turn over, and go out to do other things. Of course I never did that. He told me that he always felt refreshed at a muscle level. It is actually a bit of a compliment.

[@stephaniewayman6850]

First story: as soon as he paused for a minute my mom senses were all "yep, he's lying."

[@iris5678]

Yeah this is slightly OPs fault for not getting mom's info from sister and then checking in with mom.

[@emptyjelly]

Not a mom and I even saw that

[@13BGunBunny]

I [58M] got that feeling too and the only kids that I've ever had was my furbabies.

[@Richard_Nickerson]

@@iris5678 Why? Why should OP have known ahead of time? It's THE SCHOOL'S fault. I would be horrified to learn that my son's school let literally anyone pick him up. Only his mom, myself, and both of our moms are approved to pick him up.

[@Richard_Nickerson]

@Wealll W Not inherently. My son thinks before he answers more than he just blurts out answers. Is he lying about how he feels, what color things are, what he wants to be for Halloween, etc.?

[@Me-wk3ix]

About 14 or under, it's generally a good idea to check in with parents before taking a kid anywhere.

[@center4nerds]

Yeah my son and his friends are notorious for this. I always ask to meet with parents and exchange numbers first and then before kidnapping confirm they are aware what the minions have been scheming.

[@RiveroftheWither]

And the school is in a position to get sued to not doing so

[@Richard_Nickerson]

Why tf did the school allow a stranger unrelated to the kid to take him home!?

[@MrDoverfield]

OP: bUt cHiLdReN nEvEr LiE

[@MrDoverfield]

@@Richard_Nickerson the kid probably just sneaked out. Do you think the school believed just a stupid lie.

[@thatlumberjack]

Now that’s what I call “Flied rice”

[@kurosekai1954]

OMG....

[@13BGunBunny]

Nice Lethal Weapon reference. :-)

[@BayleaBuggy2001]

NO 🤮

[@BayleaBuggy2001]

NO 🤮

[@abrahamthebewildered1448]

@@BayleaBuggy2001 Yes

[@RiveroftheWither]

First story, op didn't f up. The school did, they should have NEVER released a child without the parents direct consent, even if he had consent to pick up his nephew, the other kid had no business being sent off with a stranger even if the kids are friends. This is literally how kids never get heard from again, a creep claims to be a relative or family friend here to pick them up and the next time anyone sees them is on the news with the caption "have you seen this child?". Sometimes it's a parent in a messy divorce whose listed in the schools database as not being allowed contact and no one in the office bothers to check. This is 100% their fault, it's literally their job to make sure kids don't die or get kidnapped while under their custody. This is something the mom could sue them over.

[@AnonHooman]

Probably wasn't an early release (unless I missed that) so it could've been in the car loop which is where cars line up and the students wait on some sidewalk while the cars go through the line and if it was the car loop then the teachers most likely weren't asking every student if they're going with their parents because of the amount of students they would need to ask

[@merlinathrawes746]

Was it the school's fault? Maybe, it depends. Is it a school/school system that REQUIRES parents/guardians to pick up younger children or do they just allow kids that live close to walk home on their own. Still happens in some places. But I would have at least talked to Adam's mother (sister) to check on this and keep her in the loop.

[@nurich1714]

where i live you dont pick up the kids. they go home alone most the time. so school would not have fucked up.

[@gerrard1144]

OP: *TIFU by accidentally stealing a child* Me: *CONFUSED SCREAMING*

[@CanadaBricks]

AHHHHHH

[@billnyne1087]

you mean happy

[@user54363]

@Squid Game 🅥 Uhhhh... Down here is rick roll Stop i i warning you Stop Last change Never gonna give you up, Never gonna let you down, Never gonna run around and desert you, Never gonna Make you cry, Never gonna say good bye, Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

[@toysruskid5074]

@@user54363 Don't try to warn me away from things I like.

[@dagoat9546]

nice amount of likes

[@suitov]

Last OP, you will not be the first to get an accidental stiffy during a hair treatment. In case you ever get up the moxie to go back, and this happens again, calmly ask for a spare towel and plop it over your lap.

[@chriscarpenter3370]

or wear gray sweatpants

[@Richard_Nickerson]

@@chriscarpenter3370 Aren't those to help show it, not help hide it?

[@chriscarpenter3370]

@@Richard_Nickerson shhhhhh

[@timehunter9467]

I haven’t seen someone call it a “stiffy” for ages, thanks for the great laugh!

[@ethanmacleod1721]

“I Wonder if I can ever use soy sauce normally again.” No, you can’t. Because from his description of how much he uses it he never did in the first place.

[@Theonlyzekrom55]

I don’t know man, sounded pretty normal to me. … Am I weird?!

[@RyanPassek]

All the things op described totally can have soy in it! Soy is basically a more flavorful salt, so most things you put salt in, you can sub soy for. Obviously things like baking are an exception.

[@Meringuesnake]

@@RyanPassek What you’ve never used soy sauce instead of vanilla extract in a cake?

[@Jolt_of_Justice]

sounds like pretty normal uses for soy sauce source: im asian

[@ethanmacleod1721]

@@RyanPassek I’m not saying any of them can’t have soy sauce, I’m commenting upon the fact that the use of it sounds excessive. Like on to much stuff.

[@Martynde]

okay so that waterboarding story went into an unexpected place, as did that OP's spittle.

[@ajthepoppunkkid8415]

“You got Chocolate in my Peanut Butter” was a tagline used in commercials for Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. The only reason I know about it is because Family Guy made a parody of it.

[@1985toyotacamry]

Yeah that's true I remember that

[@Wander85942]

That’s what I don’t because I’m in my 20s and know the tagline because of family guy

[@Tues48]

Yeah, I don't know the commercial. I just remember family guy

[@ProductiveIdiotYT]

Yeah, I also remember that from family guy.

[@DeannaJacksonDJsDelectables]

I remember this commercial.

[@raidernation7427]

2nd story: I guess op learned those "annoying caps"have a purpose.

[@timotar4308]

Some people would rather eat fruit flies than have their capless freedom infringed upon 😉

[@zaczane]

@@timotar4308 there is Gun Rights joke in there somewhere. I just can't put my finger on where, but it's in there.

[@raidernation7427]

@@zaczane sounds like a duel slam. Gun rights & anti-mask.

[@Cobell458]

@@timotar4308 you deserve the like you got good job

[@amiaswolfgang]

what im confused about is how the fruit flies even got in there... arent you supposed to refrigerate soy sauce? it says so on the bottle, "refrigerate after opening." was op just LEAVING their opened soy sauce out on the counter???

[@DeannaJacksonDJsDelectables]

First story: OP didn't cause the problem. Max did.

[@Richard_Nickerson]

Also, the school did. Was OP authorized to take a kid other than the one he should've? That school doesn't have any system to prevent this exact scenario?

[@Don.of.]

Never trust a kid

[@undrhil]

Max being a child isn't responsible though.

[@ttp513]

Reminds me of this kid's tg show my kid watched. About an older sister bunny and younger brother bunny. The bro's name was Max. Always got into some crap. I hated that little sh!t.....

[@tmntaddict]

@@Richard_Nickerson I follow a teacher's channel, and depending on the area the school will have no ID process. Any stranger can kidnap or sub.

[@silverflight01]

Story 1: If this doesn't teach you how bad lying is, what will?

[@Ryanthusar]

Exactly. The issue is that people dont think a child will lie. But children past a certain age will lie to get out of doing something.

[@AtotehZ]

@@Ryanthusar How can people not think children will lie. Children will say exactly what gets them what they want unless they've been taught not to.

[@aaroncousins4750]

@@Ryanthusar what? Everyone knows kids lie, everyone has lied at some poi t

[@RiveroftheWither]

The biggest issue is the school allowing a kid to leave with a stranger without a parents express consent.

[@prinegonbevaris1788]

Max didn't have to tidy up his room, got to play with his friend and got an ice cream on top. In my books this sounds like a win.

[@maieen2665]

16:12-16:14 Please keep rSlash in your thoughts. He's not sick or anything; he just realized something.

[@Eemilion]

How do you accidentally kidnap a child? Edit: I've learned how

[@amanda_2829]

My dad almost kidnapped another girl thinking it was me. We had similar hair, were wearing the similar colors and we both were looking at fish while our families waited for tables in a restaurant, so my dad just grabbed the other girl's hand and started to take her away 😂 Thankfully, that girl's dad was nearby and stopped my dad though. That was the first time in my life that I remember physically cringing.

[@jarrarwinks8470]

You make the kid nap. Then roll up on a white van.

[@hekst-_-8050]

@@jarrarwinks8470 bruh...

[@TemporalOnline]

And now, to practice!

[@jarrarwinks8470]

@@hekst-_-8050 It is effective. Ive done it twice in the past 3 hours.

[@PotterBrony82]

OP, most likely the stylist does not care, this has happened before and will happen again. You were not the first to be in that HARD situation, and you will not be the last. They’ve already forgotten you.

[@QueArres]

Same is true for massage therapists. I knew someone who was a masseuse, and they said things like that happen ALL the time.

[@velvety2006]

I give massages as a hobby and it happens, you chuckle a bit and then move on.

[@alijaffarshah4542]

@@QueArres f

[@Seraphious]

As a stylist myself I can say it's not all that rare of a situation. You also get women who make sounds like a cheap... Um adult video when they're enjoying the shampoo bowl time. Lol

[@Nada.AlShingiti]

But is it out of sexual arousal or is it a blood flow thing?

[@AtotehZ]

Soy Sauce story... I get that it's inconvenient to store it away if you use it every day, but soy sauce is better left in the pantry or with a cap over it. Now OP knows one of the reasons why.

[@destanielamon8848]

I keep it in the fridge. It's better there.

[@AtotehZ]

@@destanielamon8848 That works as well, just not on the table.

[@traceej4685]

I have the same bottle of soy sauce in the story as OP does. It specifically says on the side “Refrigerate after opening.” That stuff is written on the side for a reason! 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@13BGunBunny]

"Oh, Babe! Put your chocolate in my Peanut Butter!!" I had to pause the video to wipe away my cry laughing tears. :'-D

[@robertx8020]

You're sexually harassing me :P 'Because everything you say is! "

[@Cydonia2020]

The saying is actually: “You got peanut butter on my chocolate!” “You got chocolate on my peanut butter!” kzbin.info/www/bejne/faaof3SNmdhoeJI

[@CellarSinger]

It's also old af - goes to show how hypersensitive some people are

[@DarkbutNotsinister]

If you think a random comment is offensive because it’s unfamiliar, you’re looking for trouble. Chances are no one in the meeting even noticed the girl. IT’S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, DAHRLING.

[@cynthiaappleton1474]

@@CellarSinger Exactly, people are so ready to be offended these days it’s ridiculous! I hope you have a great day🦋💕❤️

[@spidrscared84]

What about: “Hey you got your Seinfeld all over my Muppet Babies!” “Well you got your Muppet Babies all over my Seinfeld!”

[@shycherrygirl]

ooooh this is actually familiar! i swear i've seen a commercial like that before and im born in 98

[@Hybrid301]

DIY fruit fly trap Fill small container with apple cider vinegar. Cover with cling wrap. Poke a small hole and leave in the problem area. They crawl in and can’t crawl out and drown.

[@justaperson4656]

Sugar syrup and honey also works well, it's one of my favourite wasp traps

[@Hybrid301]

@@justaperson4656 I like the smell of the vinegar personally. Luckily I’ve never had a wasp problem

[@maris7457]

you need to add a couple drops of dish soap too - it messes with the surface tension of the water and doesn't give them that to stand on. i did this last summer and it worked well - you just need to change it out every couple of days/keep it fresh to work the best

[@yuffiefan7637]

The shower Story sounds like a rom-com type of “how they got together“

[@SherriLyle80s]

First story: My kids would do something like this. That's why I always call and verify with their friend's parents.

[@Richard_Nickerson]

Why did the school let it happen!?

[@MrDoverfield]

smooth brains in comments: Its the child's fault for lying and not the op for being a responsible adult and double checking

[@zoemckitterick7132]

I just want you know to know as a massage therapist myself, when you jerk awake, we know that you were falling asleep. It seriously happens all the time 😂

[@introvertedgamer8584]

Hey rSlash, I used to be a massage therapist when I was younger. We know when you fall asleep. You can hear breathing changes and your muscles get less tense. If the therapist thought any funny business was going on the would have excused themselves, left the room and you would have been escorted out. They are trained for those situations. That being said, a lot of guys get stiffies during massages. It just happens. As long as the guy isn't being suggestive you are trained to just ignore it. That's just being professional.

[@DarcOne13]

I've fallen asleep during a massage. It's pretty common. I'm sure the, uh, other issue is also pretty common. It sounded to me like that hairdresser was trained what to say if the little guy makes a guest appearance.

[@MLWJ1993]

Haha, there's a whole bunch of spots on the body not even near that little guy that can be sexually stimulating 😆 That's 100% not the first time that happened, nor is there anything you can realistically do about it as a guy...

[@calculator4482]

What if it's a really big guy that makes an appearance 😉

[@Felinecultist]

Man TIFU stories always feel like someone sitting at the bar saying: "You just won't believe what happened to me today." And its always just mmph. Just the right kind of seasoning for a story.

[@merissadelossantos]

Not me over here texting my bf “Hey babe, put your chocolate in my peanut butter” right after hearing you say it 😂😂

[@angelmage99]

I'm in my early 30s and I've heard both "You got peanut butter on my chocolate" and "you cot chocolate in my peanut butter", it was two people arguing about an accident so both ways work.

[@stefmyt5062]

That last story was just pure perfection. I can't remember the last time I laughed this hard.

[@BennyLlama]

In response to the last story, I had a similar situation. A few years ago, I had to get an ultrasound on my inner thigh. So the intake person brings me to a private changing room and tells me I have to strip from the waist down and I'm given a johnny to wear. So after that, I'm collected by the tech who is by far the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen in real life. Like she's a legit 12/10. I have a thing for scrubs and for redheads and she had the perfect shade of red hair and her scrubs fit perfectly. Wonderful I thought. I would come to regret that thought. The entire ultrasound I had to constantly think about anything and everything other than the smoking hot redhead not 2 feet from my manhood which was guarded only by a thin sheet. I used all the tricks I knew to not get excited. I designed a new battle scene for a sci-fi book I'm writing, thought about baseball (I'm not a baseball fan), thought about football, did fucking long division. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life. She couldn't find what she was looking for so it took way longer than expected. She even had to get another tech at one point. Luckily I did succeed in not getting too happy. I'm sure I was blushing at least some of the time, but she was either an unflappable professional or just didn't notice.

[@sourisvoleur4854]

Longer than expected. Heh heh heh.

[@AstridCobalt]

Man doing long division, you were real desperate weren't you.

[@erinbrabec6510]

New fear unlocked: fruit flies in my soy sauce I’m about to check to make sure there isn’t any💀

[@DarcOne13]

Keep it in the fridge, guys.

[@madman_media]

I'm in my 20 and know of that Reeses ad. What rock have they been living under as presumably they have to be older

[@oddeyes9413]

Exactly, I'm 27 and know about it. That whole story feels kind of off? Like, as a woman myself I get feeling uncomfortable, but I don't think I'd jump to sexual harassment upon hearing something like that.

[@Ryan_2218]

I’m 17 and know about it

[@athenaquinn7512]

The lady: -hears a phrase she had never heard before- The Lady: Is this sexual harassment?

[@cryofist]

ive never seen this converted to text before lol got my psn party to laugh

[@NEPAAlchey]

Pretty common for anyone under 20 to assume this. I like that she went straight to HR, didn't even google it or ask for clarity. This generations default problem solving method is to attempt to ruin lives.

[@khallo151]

In response to rslash’s question - why did she assume it was sexually charged when she didn’t know what it meant? I admit I tend to think the same when a male colleague says something completely out of context and other male colleagues laugh. Granted - I did tend to think “old people” in the beginning. But after years of sexual advances and comments both bold and said under their breath, that became the first conclusion I jumped to. I hope this 20 yo hasn’t gotten to that point yet, but also needs to practice “I have no idea what you mean - what’s funny about that?” All around misunderstandings, OP should’ve led with “remember??? The commercial???”

[@karlynm5772]

I’m in my 40’s and have the same reaction to weird comments. If I don’t understand it, there’s a good chance it’s sexual in nature (or political) depending on the group environment. If I care, I ask (or google later). My teens (16, 18, 18) are all on the spectrum so they struggle with things that have innuendo and will often ask me. I always try to explain what it means, and if possible, how it gained that meaning. This helps them understand social situations better. This also teaches them to ask for clarification instead of just assuming offense.

[@annasylvier5388]

You know I never heard that jingle before and was told before by a guy that he would stick his chocolate in my peanut butter. While not the same, if I wasn’t paying attention to when OP said that I may related those experiences. I’m in my early 20’s, and this may be a on off experience but I understand where the girl was coming from

[@spiderace7994]

@@annasylvier5388 I literally never heard about that. Like at first I would think it's on of those puns people make to sound funny (without context). I would say it's a random and weird statement but I'm surprise the first thing she thought was sexual assault. Maybe there bad blood with the older coworkers but other than that wtf does peanut butter and chocolate even mean without the context.

[@CouchSpud91]

Honestly, that's my problem with the idea of immediately going to HR whenever someone suspects sexual harassment. There's a very good chance that the comments made were just innocent comments or jokes and they were merely taken the wrong way, especially when the comments seem to come out of nowhere or are done by a person that has no history of that kind of stuff.

[@ThatRPGuywithtoomanyOCs]

@@CouchSpud91 Yeah, similar here. I always tell my coworkers I NEVER intend to be rude or insulting, and if I say something that upsets them to simply tell me and I will understand. There's been relatively few issues, but the ones who do make issues are usually assholes anyways.

[@jessatlgirl]

As someone who almost 25 I have never heard put your chocolate in my peanut butter as slang before.

[@spiderace7994]

Me too the girl reaction confused me since she could have always asked OP. I assume maybe she has bad blood with some of the older coworkers who laughed.

[@justaperson4656]

"you got chocolate in my peanut butter" was one of the old Reese's slogans :)

[@Batlyx22]

THE WATERBOARDING STORY HAD ME WHEEZING OHMYGODDD- As someone with an overactive imagination, an addiction to uhm....spicy manga and being an artist the scene was *IMMACULATE*

[@MattieAnne]

you have gotten scarily good at the "karen" voice and i don't like that i just heard karen begging for someone's peanut butter in her chocolate. 🤣🤣☠☠

[@lyssandrakleier9856]

when he did that I had a thought came into my head. I wonder if he ever uses the karen voice when he and is wife are, you know. I think it would be hilarious.

[@MattieAnne]

@@lyssandrakleier9856 hahahaha holy crap that took a turn 🤣

[@thyrahoward6865]

Lol when I hear "you put your chocolate in my peanut butter" all I could think of is that one black eye peas song where he was like "I put my milk in your coco puffs milky milky coco puffs" lol

[@spidrscared84]

I used to work at a salon and I was restocking the pedicure area and the one little bottle of oil a girl had been using for weeks had what she thought was exfoliating beads at the bottom. I looked at in when I was in the supply room and realized there was 1/4 of the bottle of dead fruit flies. I gagged and threw it out and got out a new bottle.

[@yammoyammamoto8323]

Your jokes are getting better rSlash... "Did you give her your tip..."

[@KarbonYaddy]

My cousin's kids did the same exact thing to me, luckily I wasn't the only one home and we had plans to take them home after a small amount of time. Kids are devious when they're not stupid. Luckily my cousin and their SO didn't blame me cause they know their kids XD

[@fdm2155]

Yeah, when he said the kid 'paused' before answering... I thought uh oh! If OP had kids he'd have realized that kid was probably lying. 🤣🤣

[@scortisoaracoleman3261]

My Grandpa would call soy sauce bug juice. In OP's case it really was!

[@Tues48]

I feel like saying "it sounds too dumb to be a sex thing therefore it isn't one" would make sense if things like "soaking" didn't exist. People make up weird sex terms all the time. She never heard of the commercial so based on what he said and his tone guessed it might have been sexual. She should have asked him before going to hr but if she thought it was sexual then she wouldn't feel safe enough to ask anyway.

[@victoraugusto743]

Soaking is a bad example in this because it has direct relation to women physiology

[@Tues48]

@@victoraugusto743 to what?

[@ollehkacb]

@@Tues48 when women are aroused, their vagina produces something similar to male precum. Basically biological lubricant. If they are really aroused, also partially based on genetics, this lubricant can quite literally pour out like a waterfall.

[@hasenty2917]

Oh you you misunderstood something so the first logical thing is you're being sexually harrased right? You understand how fucked up this mindset is? Not every man is trying to get into your pants and not every man is trying to be sexual get off this mindset.

[@Tues48]

@@hasenty2917 I didn't say every man was, I was just explaining her mindset.

[@zachpaulsen242]

It would be cool if rslash’s wife or brother could narrate a video

[@danielgerber4015]

OMG YES!

[@alexiskuwata]

Yes

[@tisko102]

We need this for mothers day

[@capegirl6499]

Have a compilation of Yugo and baby sounds so it appears as though they are commenting.

[@nulzzaa]

@Squid Game 🅥 i didnt fucking ask

[@0michelleki020]

Story 2: keep your soy sause in the fridge, problem solved.

[@nikitatavernitilitvynova]

I come from Italy and here all soy sauces containers have a little plastic lid to protect the bottle against spilling. You unscrew the cap take the lid off then put the cap back and it's good to use again. Plus there's no guarantee insects can't come into the fridge. I had moths get into the fridge and oven despite them being sealed shut. You might open the fridge for a split second and it flies inside.

[@Richard_Nickerson]

But then it's cold

[@Richard_Nickerson]

@@nikitatavernitilitvynova The moth went in because of the light, and it's definitely not fitting in the little opening on these bottles

[@nep906]

@@Richard_Nickerson isn't it supposed to be? If youre gonna put it in broth or something, it's gonna be hot anyway. If you wanna pour it on already hot food, you just cool it down a bit. I don't see the problem?

[@Richard_Nickerson]

@@nep906 "Supposed" to be? No, that's a subjective thing. Opened soy sauce can be kept unrefrigerated for up to a year. When I put my refrigerated ketchup on a hot burger, I can still feel the temperature discrepancy. It really depends on what you're eating when it comes to whether the thing added should be cold or not.

[@ZombieSazza]

“Oh babe, put your chocolate in my peanut butter” I AM LOSING IT, the way you said that is fantastic LMAO

[@rubyalexey8692]

he didn't kidnap him. the kid basically run away, and he was just keeping him safe. kidnap is where you try to keep him from leaving.

[@Tues48]

That's semantics. We know the kid technically ran away but to the outside eye it looks like op took the kid.

[@MrDoverfield]

OP helped the kid run away. If OP questioned why two kids came out when OP was there just to pick up one kid, it would’ve never happened. I assume the friend sneaked out.

[@theskyisteal8346]

RE: accidental sexual harassmemt story. "Chocolate" can sometimes be used in a sexually charged way about black people or about anal sex. Nothing else in the sentence would facially seem sexually charged in any way (aside from degenerate ways of using peanut butter I've only heard in jokes). I think what really happened is that a younger woman heard something nonsensical said by an older man and bunch of other older people laughed about it. Assuming the comment was sexually charged isn't the biggest leap in logic one could make.

[@thalianox2492]

r/Slash's realization at the end almost had me choking on my coffee from laughing XD

[@jaspr1999]

That old TV commercial generally has two people meeting at a corner. One is eating peanut butter and the other person, chocolate. When they collide the chocolate bar falls into the jar of peanut butter leaving both people with peanut butter covered chocolate. The commercial is here on KZbin if you're interested. The sad thing is that my wife & I use old jingles too and I know that neither of us ever thought about how that might sound to younger people. Well, at least now I know.

[@Richard_Nickerson]

There's more than 1 variation of the commercial, so talking about it as singular is weird. It's also objectively NOT a jingle. Jingles are specifically songs. This is a slogan or tagline.

[@wellhello3076]

Always a morning routine to listen to this

[@wellhello3076]

@@holdenvtseries2274 he uploads it at 8 am for me that's

[@main7705]

He uploads at 6 for me!

[@dianab3t3s]

9 am here!

[@alanagorb]

4pm for me🥲

[@DarkLink1996]

Same

[@shannonp1656]

Not kidnapping but related. Many years ago a coworker called 911 and coworkers because she couldn't find her young son. She had phoned his friend and the friend said the son wasn't there. Police went to the friend's house and the son was there. The friend lied to the mom on the phone to get her son in trouble. The prank clearly backfired on him and ended in a lecture from the police.

[@Cats.Got.My.Tongue]

Sounds more like a “Hooters Haircuts” than a “Sports Clips”😬😳😉🤣

[@tsukison3038]

I had a similar experience like the second story, I'm on a special diet and eat mostly whole grain bread. Turns out the half loaf I had left was open overnight and flies had laid eggs in the bread. I didn't notice anything was wrong until I finished one sandwich and was about to finish the other when I saw a maggot crawling along my plate. When I showed my dad, we inspected the rest of it, and I got pale as a few of the pieces had maggots crawling in and on them

[@nanwijanarko1969]

Hey, it's like they say, you get free additional proteins.

[@tsukison3038]

@@nanwijanarko1969 I would have agreed with you, but the maggots must have had bacteria in them enough to not only make me sick three consecutive times but to also give me hives and a very high fever

[@jodybillings3841]

This reminds me of one time I got a shampoo and cut, I had had a really long stressful day and that was the first time I had a chance to relax all day. The chair was comfortable and the shampoo being massaged into my scalp felt so good. I didn't get as excited as the guy in the story but i did get a really big wide smile over my face, just for a moment while my eyes we're closed. The rest of the cut was awkward as I feel like my smile came across like the Jokers smile before trying to kill Batman.

[@13BGunBunny]

I bet the guy that got the MVP treatment had a blue-veined throbber. LOL

[@ToastyNoneofyourbusiness]

6:48 at least he understood what he was saying. I'll never forget the time I dropped the phrase "luck be a lady tonight" into a conversation, not knowing what it meant

[@ardhanarisvara333]

rSlash, I'm gonna give you some perspective from a former massage therapist. Stiffies happen. Blood circulation and the brain receiving messages of pleasure response make this happen ALL. THE. TIME. We learn in school how to handle these situations with dignity and decorum. We know that it's unintentional. As long as you don't use it as an excuse to hit on us we don't care. We might chuckle about it with co-workers but NOT to make fun of you. More as a "Oh yep. Happened again. I must be that good." I had clients fall asleep and snore. I had clients who spent the whole time talking about their deepest secrets and problems. I had clients fart. I had clients let out embarrassing moans. I had clients get stiffies. You just get used to it and learn to ignore it. Literally nothing bothers me anymore.

[@CatBehaviourPhD]

Yeah, apparently it's really common. I don't know from personal experience, but I'm studying to be a healthcare worker and there are so many reasons behind every little action. It's no big deal guys, don't be embarrassed by that kind of stuff.

[@leinaluo9763]

Soy sauce story: This weirded me out SO much for several reasons. 1st the obvious. Flys in food. But secondly, what is a bottle of soy sauce doing outside of the fridge?! One you can’t even properly close no less! Soy sauce NEEDS to be stored in the fridge after opening! Most bottles even have that specifically printed on them!

[@umbrasunbro2142]

Lol! That first story reminds of this time where I tagged along with some older kids to Burger King because one of them was buying dm chicken tenders. My mom didn’t know I left the library and I go in so much trouble… but it was worth it. I can only thing of REALLY specific ways “you got your chocolate in my peanut butter” could be taken that way. It’s really weird everyone went there because its just so hard to make it sound dirty. And lastly; any man thinks he’s small… until its most inconvenient lmao. I know I have some embarrassing moments like that of my own… some of them I would rather not think about ever again, others were pretty funny.

[@jackadams3878]

first story: so adam, that kid nearly got me arrested. guess who's never coming over to this house ever again?

[@redmania1020]

The person in “accidental choking” just put themselves into a irl jigsaw trap

[@marlaparraguirre277]

ALWAYS SIFT YOUR SOY SAUCE DAILY! Especially if it's the pour cap! Oh my god, I used to work at sushi place and in summer at least 2 or 3 fruit flies would be caught by the sifter by the time we washed them at the end of the night. Mind you, we always wash the bottles and cycle the soy sauce without fail. So if you're catching 2 or 3 flies out of the 20 or so soy sauce bottles it's not a lot, but good lord. I cannot even imagine the huge lump of bugs that came sloshing out into your sifter. Literal shivers.

[@filetmignon6942]

"Sexually charged remark"? Dude. She was either trying to get him fired or was gonna sue him for money or something, there is absolutely no way she could've thought THAT was a sexual remark.

[@katestarnes1709]

No I definitely understand. It’s not necessarily the content of the remark alone but the fact that it was a young women, an older man she didn’t know said it to her and a bunch of older people laughed. If I was in that situation, and I heard the words *in my* and *peanutbutter* from an older man and everyone around me laughed, I’d think the same thing.

[@thatlycantomboy]

My grandma always says the “you’ve got your chocolate in my peanut butter” thing to tease me lol, it was probably the fact that all the older folks (presumably all men) laughed that made her feel uncomfy. Poor thing

[@ccggenius]

"Uh Oh, Spaghetti-O"? Nah, when someone has a complaint you say "Where's the beef?"

[@Adniwhack]

That kidnapping scenario happened to me too when I was 6 years old, when I hopped into a van with some people I knew without my mother's knowledge. I have never done something like that again.

[@mariposa9506]

Can you sit down yet?

[@Adniwhack]

@@mariposa9506 Pardon me?

[@Axodus]

@@Adniwhack they were implying you got your rear end hit.

[@Adniwhack]

@@Axodus I know what they meant, but nah, nothing like that happened. :'D

[@Axodus]

@@Adniwhack that's good.

[@kevkenm9223]

Op: I just love soy sauce as an added flavor! Soy sauce: would you like a bit more protein?

[@luigiRobs14]

The second story brought back a long forgotten memory, I was in school drinking a bottle of milk when a pair of eyes started looking at me, turns out their was a frog in the bottle somehow, since then I ALWAYS check bottles of anything just in case

[@mariposa9506]

Wtf

[@LeannahW]

my mom once had a bee fly in her mouth from her soda and sting her. I NEVER drink or use anything without double checking

[@marjoriejohnston4905]

My mom found a large tree frog in her toaster. Still wondering how the thing got past the cats

[@BabyRho]

I’ve definitely used you got your chocolate in my peanut butter as a flirtatious joke 🤣

[@randomaccount64]

I always love that this comes on almost every time at midnight for me or very very close to midnight

[@impagain]

My family always say "you got your x in my y!" "Well you got your y in my x!" All the time. Also the "These cards are marked!" "They're a mess!" "A chocolate mess." From an old m&ms commercial I've never even seen. We quote a lot of dumb stuff in my house...

[@nicholassanabria6493]

When I saw the title it reminds me of that king of the hill episode when Peggy accidentally kidnapped a Spanish girl because she took kids in a Spanish class to Mexico

[@SPiRAh]

Dude being caught choking next to ”The Rock’s” big naked Johnson would have been priceless! I can only imagine the look on Mr. Nope’s face when he walked in, saw the visual situation & just immediately turned around & walked out! 💀💀💀

[@CanadaBricks]

Me wondering how you accidentally kidnap a child: *confusion*

[@Ryanthusar]

Exactly by what was said in that story. Same thing can happen when you are asked to pick up a relative's kid from school, the relative calls the school to let them know you are going to be their to pick up their child. So when you arrive you say you are there to pick up the kid, lets say John, only that there are two kids called John and you are given the wrong kid by mistake, it happens more often than you think. The relative could be one you only see once or twice a year, but since they know you arent going to abduct their child, being family and all, so when you pick the kid up it just doesnt click you have the wrong kid when you pick up the blonde hair blue eyed kid who has a striking resemblance to your relative's kid.

[@DarcOne13]

@@Ryanthusar This sounds suspiciously specific. Are you okay?

[@girlie_ch33se20]

I heard of a guy who had the police knocking on his door because neighbors saw a kid climbing out of his trunk. Turns out the kid wanted to ride in a “cool sports car” so he climbed in at the park when nobody was looking lmao

[@hermiendelange4343]

As a former therapeutic massage therapist (carpal tunnel sucks) I can tell you that we can usually hear when you start falling asleep and I've had a couple of people jerk awake on me. It scares the sheet out of you, but you chuckle and carry on. And after a while you don't notice if a man pitches a tent because you get used to it. Usually we take it as a sign that they are relaxing completely.

[@mr.scarlo2234]

I hope that everyone is having a good Thursday!

[@all.thingsdogs]

Story 1 - relatable because one of my friends did this to my mum. That friend never got invited over again. Story 3 - what a weird thing to get those vibes from. Like I would have asked what he was referencing if I didn't understand.

[@kstricl]

And.... Now we know how fruit fly traps were invented....

[@gon720]

Even if the " you got you chocolate in my peanut butter" was a euphemism It sounds like the op would be the one getting the short end of the ... STICK if you think about it.

[@MadMusic26]

I’m in my 20s, are there really people my age who haven’t heard the Reeces thing?

[@ViraIshnia]

My sister is a massage therapist (don't call them a masseuse) and she says people commonly fall asleep during a massage. That massage therapist knew exactly what had happened

[@JoyBoyGeeze]

How? I haven't even finished it but how? Edit: Oh, yes you were easily fooled by a literal child, understandable. Jesus Christ, how much sense could one adult human lack

[@seabass819]

Have you seen adults around you?

[@danielseelye6005]

Common sense isn't all that Common nowadays. 😩

[@MLWJ1993]

Believe it or not, but sometimes you have a thousand things on your mind & your brain's just going: oh yeah, that story checks out. It happens!

[@JoyBoyGeeze]

@@MLWJ1993 Mark, obviously of you're the average adult you have a million and one things to think about. But, if you are given obvious signs of a Child lying and you say "f*ck it", you lack sense. She didn't even think twice just went with it.

[@JoyBoyGeeze]

@@seabass819 I have, and am surprised why I'm capable of even the most basic form of critical thinking.

[@SomeGaymerNerd]

I haven't even seen the commercial and I know the old "you put your chocolate in my peanut butter!" slogan

[@rrudeljr]

Mask on a treadmill was another fuck up.

[@imjustverable3860]

R/, my man, you CANNOT just throw that MVP joke at us without warning, I was drinking water!

[@christopherbird7119]

The real F up in the first story is playing with "LEGO's" everybody knows the plural of LEGO is LEGO.

[@RealCoolstriker64]

1st story… Rule 1 of baby sitting: “Their mom didn’t say ANYTHING you didn’t hear.” Or how you tell the child: “well she didn’t say it to me, so if you can get her to say it to me then…” and whatever they’re trying to do.

[@MrDoverfield]

OP: I believe everything I’m told

[@seabass819]

Second story: imagine being so sensitive that an old reeses slogan hurts your feelings. It doesn't even SOUND like it could be taken offensively.

[@Talon1124]

Everyone takes things to the unnatural extreme these days.

[@kmtdng]

i thought the same at first but, considering that she's a woman in an office work place... i mean, i understand her being cautious about it and bringing it up. cant exactly blame people for not having the context of things before their time. we don't know how she interpreted it. in the end, OP did not get in big trouble so it's all good.

[@girlie_ch33se20]

I mean, think about the context - a younger new woman in an office workplace surrounded by older men you don’t know well, one of them makes a joke you don’t understand and the rest laugh about it - I’m not saying it’s reasonable to immediately scream sexual harassment, but I don’t blame her for being slightly weary of it She could have maybe looked up what it meant if she was too scared to ask or something of course, but I’m just saying that in context, I can kind of understand why she’d react a certain way

[@yeahboy2k386]

First person: You got your chocolate in my peanut butter. Second person: You got your peanut butter in my chocolate. Then both people try it, of course love it. And now we have Reese peanut butter cups. That's basically the commercial.

[@dhaa1973]

day saved! thank you rslash! 💜

[@davethelong5093]

Rslash, as a newbie Father you are legally required to make dad jokes on every occasion possible and that last story was a goldmine 🤣

[@crystalcrusader8832]

The fact that OP said “my peanut butter” is probably what fucked him in the end. I’m honestly not surprised that she assumed something regarding his own peanuts if she hadn’t gotten the reference. I’m really not sure what I would’ve thought if some guy said that phrase to me, but assuming sexual context isn’t far off

[@Chronomaxx]

I can totally relate to the guy who "kidnapped" a kid. When I was in college, I did some volunteer work for a teacher. I was in college to get a teaching degree so it gave me some practical time and classroom experience. I bonded with a few of the kids, who saw me as the cool college kid who came to help out. One boy, who was definitely looking at me as a big brother surrogate (his dad had pretty much abandoned the family for another woman and different kids), was struggling to complete his homework, and I told him if he got all his work done for two weeks straight I would give him a reward (i figured he would want a comic book, or candy). When he succeeded he wanted to go to a movie (Mighty Ducks 2). I told him to make sure it was ok with his mom and after he confirmed she said it was ok, I made arrangements to pick him up on Saturday. I drove up, he smiled and jumped in my car, we waved to his mom who was watching from the door of their apartment, and off we went. He had a blast. I returned him home after the movie. When I got home, there was a message waiting for me from the teacher...the mom had called her wondering who I was and why I was taking her son anywhere. The boy hadn't told his mom anything or asked her permission, he just told her a friend had invited him to a movie, and to her surprise a college age guy showed up rather than another 10 year old. I called the mom and explained and apologized in every way I could. Luckily she understood, and 30 years later that kid and I are still close (he has always called me his big brother). I am also lucky she didn't call the police.

[@jefffoo6891]

Day 315 of telling him he's making everyone day better

[@LostAngel907]

First story: Wait, her elementary age kid was missing for 3 HOURS and she was just now getting ready to call the police? WTH?

[@aeonvalley8589]

Daily reminder that you are loved and appreciated even if you don’t know it

[@DarcOne13]

You are, too.

[@hamzasultan96]

About the "chocolate in my peanut butter" thing. There's something I remember from FRIENDS and Joey was spot-on; you can make anything sound dirty, and then he says something like "mom's chicken pot pie" or something like that in a sensual way.