Sally Cat's Guide to PDA

A compilation of graphic memes set to music describing the experience of living with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), which is classed as an Autism Spectrum Condition

[@amphibeingmcshpongletron5026]

PDA and DA with Autism are new concepts for me. They seem to describe my life and the reasons why I struggle with certain things even better than my ADHD diagnosis. The slide at 1:55 hit me like a ton of bricks. I NEED that quiet, idle, alone time, but it's seen as a problem or pathological by other people. Not even necessarily for reasons like I'm by myself to avoid doing something others want me to do (thought that happens too), but just the *idea* of it bothers them on some deep level. My parents are convinced it's bad for me, so they try to "help" me by showing disapproval, subtly or explicitly, when I do it. This stresses me out and causes me to isolate even more...and the cycle continues. I'm 30, by the way, but currently living at home for the first time since I was 18. I went from being able to "indulge" (read: meet) my needs when I was on my own, to now having my needs met being seen as a problem to "fix". It wasn't a problem when I had more control over my environment, but now that they've decided for themselves that it is, and it's treated like one, it DOES lead to me actually feeling depressed in my down time, and less able to enjoy it. Because of this added stress and expectation, I've actually gotten WORSE with my symptoms and avoidant/isolating behaviors, and require more of the very thing that's seen as a problem by my family...which, again, reinforces their view that me seeking a lot of down time is detrimental, because it leads me to taking more down time. The very demand that I shouldn't need this much time to myself only makes me need more. It's like a lose-lose. Explaining this to them doesn't always lead to mutual understanding. It usually just leads to more demands and expectations intended to fix this "problem". From my point of view, I'm not bothering anybody. I do what needs to be done around the house (with difficulty, but it gets done), I have a job, I'm otherwise independent besides living here (I even pay rent, buy groceries, etc), I tick all those boxes. But, apparently that isn't enough to be able to earn the "privilege" of doing what I want with my own free time without judgement or harassment. I apparently don't know what I need or what I like to do because, apparently, my parents have better ideas for what *I* should be doing with my time. And those "better ideas" involve things that stress me out! What a great use of my free time that I rely on to relax in order to self-regulate and function! They desperately want me to be the social butterfly they "know I am" deep down under all these "problems" I have. The fact that merely doing what I enjoy, and which benefits my mental health, is seen as so bothersome to others, merely on some expectation or principle they personally hold, is so confusing to me sometimes. I wouldn't dream of waltzing into someone's private room while they're relaxing, insinuate that them being alone in their room was bothering me, then ask them to do any number of random alternative things "for their own benefit". How would I know what they need? And who am I to tell them their needs are incorrect or harmful? It seems insane to me. It feels like I'm being gaslighted to believe that I enjoy the wrong things, and that the things that help me self-regulate are actually the source of my problems. Unfortunately, I'm in a situation where my level of isolation in my free time (I'm always out and about with people for work and have no issues going out and doing the typical errands of daily life) is increasing as a result of others trying to demand their way to me isolating less. Even I don't want the level of isolation I've reached. But, the more others demand I not isolate and the more solutions and suggestions are imposed on me, the more isolation I seem to require and the worse my self-esteem and mental health becomes. This is a concept that's proven near impossible for my family to understand, let alone accept.

[@FindingYourSerenity]

That sounds like a nightmare situation. I'm so sorry :(

[@anthony_leckie]

Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to much of what you described.

[@annaa8322]

i feel i met the second me! i always thought i am difficult and others did not understand. i was aware i have autism as a child but hid it. since i performed well at school none was too bothered. i never really felt i have a right to exist

[@averykitsch]

So many emotions rn

[@louisedimond9315]

Such a good video, thank you 😊

[@dops6658]

This is the story of my life. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, but no meds have helped greatly so far. I think there’s more. How to pursue a diagnosis as an adult?

[@neuropsychologyspecialist]

This is brilliant. I have your memes dotted around but seeing all of these in a row is so awesome. I cannot believe still how well the descriptions of PDA fit me.

[@dops6658]

Even the punk mask! I did it too and for the same reasons! How can we cope in this society though? 😭

[@jimwilliams3816]

Whoof. I'm new to the concept of PDA (I'm in the US, so no surprise), and still trying to decide if it is me (the voice in my head screaming "do not listen! You are making excuses for yourself!" doesn't help). Autism and ADHD are both things I suspect, but the way DSM criteria is written, I lose confidence in my self-suspicions. But if I were to use this as a criteria checklist for PDA or anything else, I would have no trouble getting a positive diagnosis. I can check almost all of these with confidence. Diagnosis of no, the coping strategies you describe here are things I've been coming to realize about myself. Thank you.

[@jordanwhatawhata2508]

Thanks for this! I might have PDA and I identify with all of this, especially the shame bit. If I don't feel shame then why would I mask? Anyway, much love, all the best x

[@annaa8322]

thank you

[@philuin9594]

I have been for autism assessment apparently I do not have it. All my problems have been put down to adhd ! I'm 44 really would love to have answers. I toyed with the idea of having a mix of odd, and conduct disorder but pda cant be ruled out.

[@youteacher78]

As a diagnosed autistic I recognize many traits. But then I often wonder, if we go on like this won't we end up with as many diagnosis as there are people? I don't want to minimize your suffering, but you sound like a healthy individual in a unhealthy world, like most of us. We were not made to obey. I think we are the strong ones - we can't accept being compromised for the crime of being alive and we will fight to have our needs met. That's all. But until we are all free, keep up the good work, you keep us safe by providing words to shelter us.

[@sallyhoultby9709]

Amazing! Very true!

[@kimorox813]

I kinda struggle to see the difference between demand avoidance and executive dysfunction

[@margicates553]

Yep

[@Misskaira]

Hey Sally cat, Nice job!! just a suggestion to pause the slides with long text I bet longer so we can read them. I couldn't read them fast enough! 🙂

[@SallyCat123]

Hi Kaira, sorry, I only just saw this message, Email's better for me. I'm going to rebuild the Non-24 one I was about to upload with longer caption times :)