Signs Narcissist About to Discard, Devalue You

[@latikabenz6289]

When we face discard phase, the narcissist is a completely different person from the one that we met and fell in love with. Behaves like stranger to us. Hard to understand and assimilate. Great explanation, thank you, Prof. Vaknin.

[@ReadTheBible2024]

That makes so much sense. Thank you. I didn’t know my husband at all the last two years before I left.

[@latikabenz6289]

@@smileyglitter852 yes, I haven't gone behind him to check, but I m afraid the same is going on here. Doesn't call me anymore, doesn't come back home to sleep (coz he says finished too late and tired after work 🤥),goes out every night, for sure must be having an affair.

[@oliviagoldin7737]

That’s hardly true, strangers treat me nicer, he behaves like a rabid dog foaming at the mouth

[@latikabenz6289]

@@oliviagoldin7737 i said that because he is completely indifferent to me. There is lack of feelings and emotions towards me, as if he was a stranger. Perhaps you are dealing with a malignant narcissist. (Most dangerous of all). Be careful.

[@dannyg6045]

No its more like they show you what they're about finally and stop love bombing you. The love bombing phase is the narcissist holding up a mirror if you will. That person falls in love with themselves because the narcissist is reflecting you back at you. I believe Sam said the person finally gets a peek into self love and its addicting. Thats why it's hard to let go.

[@Werderina]

As soon as you realize that there was never love and that he was never really there, it doesn’t hurt any more. You lost nothing but illusions and have the chance to find yourself again. Get away as fully as possible.... here is nothing to lose but everything to win.

[@c3909]

👏👏👏👏

[@LisaTravis-m7e]

I agree he never really loved me at all. That realization helps tremendously.

[@popotabeguemot4734]

Yes, it helps to keep on, but the feeling of sadness and betrayal remains because you did love that person.

[@jackz_stoned_again]

YES!!🎉

[@Kellylord]

As a diagnosed narcissist I have to say this dude nails it every time.

[@redpilljesus]

He is one as well.

[@suzannegabriel7657]

I’m proud … I saw all of this and started to protect myself … and he NEVER persuaded me that I was beneath him … NEVER. In fact the very opposite which I reminded him of OFTEN. I told him, you can fuck off but you’re going with nothing!

[@sonaboo]

I am ashamed to admit that the person I was convinced was my soulmate for 30 years did every single devaluation technique described and I broke my heart, mind and soul trying to fix him and us. How could I have been so stupid to devote my life to a non-person who was never able to truly love. Will I ever feel whole again and how can I ever trust anybody or my judgment again? Thank you Professor Sam Vaknin for your work, it is helping me make sense of my life.

[@romygarcia3782]

So sorry to read what you had to go through, I experienced it too, so I know how heartbreaking it is. I ask myself the same questions : how could I let this happen ? (I tend not to call myself stupid, cause then I devalue myself even more) Will I ever trust again ? And trust my own feelings/thoughts/judgement again ? I am still trying to make sense out of it, but there’s nothing rational about it. This video gives so much clarity, but it makes the experience not less painful, does it ? Sending you lots of healing energy ❤️‍🩹

[@MissSuzapalooza]

I feel for you having experienced it for 11 years. I cannot imagine 30 years of it. Healing is a long process from this Sona Boo. You have 30 years of trauma, that will take time to rebuild yourself. Hang in there, cry, be angry, and embrace the small seconds where you might not think about him. Seconds becomes minutes, then hours. Yes, you will feel better one day, and you will get to a place where you can look at yourself in the mirror and not feel ashamed or call yourself stupid. It took me 6 months to stop saying “imperfection” to myself in the mirror. That was the word he used on me. It does take therapy tho, and that can be brutal in itself.

[@sonaboo]

@@MissSuzapalooza thank you. I was 16 and he was nearly 19 when we first got together. I was 19 when we married. I now believe I was objectified from the start. I have a counsellor now. I totally get it, I used to look in the mirror and repeat his words too… You do nothing for me. You serve no purpose. You have no function. He followed that up with if you don’t like how I speak to you why don’t you F.. off! He knew exactly what he was doing. The use of the word imperfection about a person is crazy making. Who on earth is perfect? I will get him out of my head. We all deserve a bit of peace. I cannot believe how so many people have gone through and have been changed by such similar traumatic experiences. The best revenge will be moving on and being happy.

[@orianna9200]

Sorry. I feel the same. The answer is you dont trust. Men are egotistic opportunists. I find they are not to be trusted in the dating world. The stories you hear are horrendous! Im not saying all men. There are decent ones im sure. But for the most part its not an option I care to try even after all these years. Seriously.

[@Gypsy.7]

My heart goes out to you The time wasted is sickening. I spent 17 years of my life and the my family’s life and 5 children have suffered from his selfishness and stupidity And for nothing. Being made crazy out of for wanting normal and giving a better example for or kids him telling me that it’s not his fault I’m a broken piece of shit of a human being that he has to put up with that he has to deal with. It’s sick and heartbreaking the person you’re sharing your life with to cause that kind of pain there’s no words.from who you was and who you are now 💔

[@chloeblack8572]

This is 100% accurate: they become an adolescent, and you will find yourself saying to yourself, if not aloud to him as well, "He's acting like a rebellious teenager and I'm his mother, for Christ's sake--this is bullshit!" And every day becomes 'opposite day'--if you like it, he HATES it, yes is no up is down back is front, etcetera. He becomes contrary even about that which he himself espouses; it's insane, irrational, and you know it, but--hey--he's still around, so.....Yeah. No. He's already long gone, you just haven't been gutted yet, with your heart shredded and your intestines dangling out of your body. But that's coming. Get out before it does!

[@michelledavison2533]

When you've met one narcissist, you've met them all....so predictable and boring....when you know; you know, you know? Xxx

[@TryM.yVivier]

response. That is Exactly identical to my situation!!It's a freaking Nightmare, absolute he'll on earth!

[@TryM.yVivier]

I appreciate the explanation with such candor. Thank you.

[@claudia3009]

Wow. That's exactly what I experienced and you describe the feelings precisely true to life. Thanks for sharing.❤

[@YIE63248]

Yes same same same

[@thaleianienna8215]

I was so confused when he was behaving like a teenager+ toddler towards the end.. he’s 45 years old 🙄 I called him out on this, basically I’m too old to deal with this c***..I think the abrupt change from the intense lovebombing to devaluation is the most mindbending aspect of this whole nightmare.. and it all started when I tried to create boundaries ( I fought back when he tried to control me with put downs, and he also talk to me in a demeaning and disrespectful way, and triangulating me with his exes and his supposedly many admirers) .. he is such a mess of a human being, I’m glad I flipped the script and discarded him first 🙄

[@lizzieshee8660]

This is exactly what happened to me..they do follow a script. He is 43yrs 18:14

[@candykittens5611]

The narcissist can be jealous of the intimate partner's attractiveness. Maybe the primary reasons they were attracted to them. Especially if the intimate partner's attractiveness improves. The narcissists insecurity then provokes them into devaluing the intimate partner to attempt to break and demolish their self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth.

[@Summer-ju4pj]

One can only hope they discard you. Blessing in disguise

[@DarkRose709]

No because they aim to humiliate you

[@christalkiger7440]

44 yrs here. Covert narcissist. He discarded me and devalued me 1 yr. Ago. I just wish that ALL of the therapists I saw during those years could see what was going on. I was the SICK one because he never even showed up for therapy.I was depressed and suicidal at times. Thank God , I got therapy. I started getting healthy and feeling healthy before he discarded me. Still hurts like hell! Feels like soul death . I’ll never abandon myself for anyone again!!!Moving on❤in healing myself. Thank you , Dr.Vaknin. I’ve watched your videos for 2 years, my therapist has too. She had no knowledge about these ill souls . I tried to save him for 44 yrs . I regret the damage done to my children but that now tell me that I was a great mom and wouldn’t know where they’d be without me. Much love to all of you who are suffering so greatly ❤❤

[@anabellaparis1]

That's exactly what my 2 narcissists said " it's not your fault, you are perfect, it's my fault " . The most painful thing is the ignorance. From hundreds of messages a day to ghosting. It's hurtful.

[@HEDGme]

Holy sh*tsnacks. Now I understand much more

[@Hayatiis]

“You are a good and ideal wife, I hope you meet a partner who deserves you” 🤮

[@malwinagarmada2807]

Mine said that he believes there is someone better for him.. what he initially loved in me became the problem! It happened so suddenly.. before that I went to therapy and started to set healthy boundaries and he didn't like this because he couldn't be in control any more .. the sad thing is that he can't see that he has a problem .. he also blamed me for everything.. he didn't say that anything was his fault during a long term relationship... Im in a very dark place right now .. 😞

[@lenar405]

I feel you...same here

[@carloschica1628]

@@malwinagarmada2807how are you doing now?

[@fleurettegodeffroy8090]

My narc discarded me for the last time. He thought he was one up on me but today I walked out with my girls 5 and 4. He wanted to start entertaining woman off tinder while we were in the house. I'm ghosting him too. Got a family member to communicate with us till I get a mediator.

[@SouthAfricanLivingAbroadDiary]

Amen to that. Don't look back.

[@tuathadesidhe1530]

Family law court is not a dance you want to have with a narcissist - avoid it at all costs.

[@velvetpixiecake5310]

@@tuathadesidhe1530 I had forgotten about spousal support, in the end I didn't even care about that either 🤦‍♀️ That's how bad it was, my sanity was more important to me; I'm so glad I made it out alive, in 1 piece, and was able to find myself again, once it was made known to me that he was becoming physically abusive toward my children to get to me, before he turned on me as well.

[@mavisgrobler8806]

High time that this abuse be criminilized to support victims and bring this criminal act against another being into the open. All the hiding/ covert actions and plans, endless shame and confushion just building up, for the victim to fall into ever more isolatiin and futhrr despair. Got stuck in this relationship at the age of 14yrs 5 months in high school. Till this day economically dependant...despite wonderful ideas I have put to work but being sabotaged and today I'm the proof he needed to show off him as a hero u get support in courts for this abuse. It s ​@@tuathadesidhe1530

[@christalkiger7440]

So sorry.Forgive yourself ❤❤

[@user-qo3mk1ck7h]

Just happened to me again yesterday. I did see it coming for about the past month or so, though. And he's already love-bombing his next target, a married woman. These people are gross, and the lowest of the low.

[@Daphfouna]

Sam, you’re the reason why I am doing better. By listening to your videos, I was able to connect the dots and make sense of what had happened to me. Merci

[@carmeng4555]

In therapy for PTSD after a destructive relationship with a antisocial narcissist....I told my therapist that during the relationship I felt like I "his mother", and he was like a "rebellious disrespectful teenager".... Thank you for explaining this to me.....

[@antoinetteboers3691]

Yep, here dito... Brrrr

[@eatanotherzio6811]

It can go both ways My ex narc thought she could boss me around in my own house and is extremely demanding She used to be sweet caring and supportive but since the masked slipped its like a demon walking around in her skin Im counting down the days when this wicked woman moves out of my home

[@Goawaypleasenow]

Exactly how I describe it!!!!

[@sophiamcleod1841]

The best thing is when you discard them first and never looking back separating and divorcing them

[@DavisMultiverse]

I guess it is always satisfying to get one up on bad people, but this comment still essentially reminisces on having taken something personally. You can't take anything from a narcissist personal. Narcissists love is just a meticulous force of nature, like the wind, there's essentially no manual control. No deeper introspective contemplation. No real connection, etc...

[@Alex-d5j]

​@@DavisMultiverse define "real connection"

[@DavisMultiverse]

@@Alex-d5j the connection that comes with the understanding of mature people. There is a real connection of you wanna call it more of a mother narcissist connection aka a pseudo parent child connection.

[@DavisMultiverse]

@@Alex-d5j the narcissist does stuff unconsciously, and very fantasy based. If it were more real there would be all of them present. Perhaps there can be little glimmers of a real person shining through but I'm lead to believe that is very minuscule if at all. Not just from watching vaknin videos. Experiences with highly neurotic people's

[@Alex-d5j]

@@DavisMultiverse which "understanding of mature people"? what is the criteria

[@usagiroxie]

Leave the narcissist with no guilt. He/she might tell others how they were abandoned in a previous relationship, but don't worry about being used in the same sob story. Your well-being depends on leaving and getting all the help and support you can get after going through narcissistic abuse. It's quite traumatic... If I didn't go through it, I may not have started working through my trauma, but at the same time it's still making me feel very angry.

[@Tend2Rose]

My ex did ALL of these things to me before the discard. After a period of brief kindness - followed by criticisms, devaluing, eventually I started to distance myself from him and put up boundaries to protect myself. He sensed me pulling away and then made a “proposal” for us to talk. I was too scared to be in his home. Then he said goodbye and blocked me. I in return have blocked him back, but not before sending him proof that I had found of him seeing a transgender escort. I told him, he will never have access to me again.

[@jessicamarks5577]

Love your strength I did something very simular but to hear it from someone else it's empowering . Shut that shit dwn even if it takes all you have at the time to do it .

[@Tend2Rose]

@@jessicamarks5577 thank you. I’m totally broken right now. After 5 years of giving and finding out what he did. This was the second time too ( that I know about) The worst thing is, he always created an issue over my trusting him and he would constantly tell me that I have trust issues and need to see someone - only to find out all along that my gut was correct. I betrayed myself and should’ve listened. Never again will I doubt my instincts. How demonic these creatures are.

[@kevingillard5474]

You handled it like a true warrior!

[@Tend2Rose]

@@kevingillard5474 thank you. 🙏🏽

[@darawatkis7084]

What a lesson!! These ppl are really Demonic. My Narc did some of those exact things to me as far as shutting me out and not speaking to Me whenever I checked him on a behavior. Now that I know what I know I don’t feel bad at all. Yes I eventually blocked him and I’m ok with never having to speak to him again. He was really draining

[@imalifter2]

Oh my goodness! He did every SINGLE THING “listed”. 23 yrs. Now I know he knew EXACTLY what he was doing!! Deep inside I knew he did but didn’t want to believe it. Just thought he was young and he’d grow up eventually. 23 yrs and 4 kids later and his many discards the subsequent divorce , I’m trapped! Yep, even after divorce, trapped. He never wanted kids per se’, but I did. He just wanted me to “stay put” and keep my “mouth shut”. So it was almost like a favor from him for me to have HIS children. His possessions. “Property of” he’d tell me. 52 now and possibly half of my life gone. Wow! Just….wow!

[@rachelfaller7527]

A query? So is silent treatment and /or ignoring the beginning of discard devaluation discard phase? All explanations gratefully received. Thank you.

[@genedhallinc]

This explains a lot. Shows why her behavior was what is was early on. She pushed me away 4 times, I left each time, then she wanted me back, only to start up the same behavior in a short time. I saw it, and wondered what was she doing? Why was she saying the things she said? She's Covert and each time she seemed to me to be sabotaging our relationship, always blaming me. So last time she wanted me back I told her No Promises, because of all her prior complaints about me. Unfortunately that time I went back to her I married her. Almost immediately I saw the signs again that she was what I thought at the time, sabotaging, and maybe she did what normal people do, when you go No Contact, they panic and want you back. I thought maybe she was just sorry she did that after she got me. A lot of normal people do that after a break up. But as time went by, and I kept wondering what was wrong with her, after 10 years of seeing how she acts, and things she says, I started searching for more knowledge than what limited amount of Pshyc knowledge I had. I knew what a Narcissist was, but didn't know about Covert. So many traits, and actions of the Covert fit her perfectly. At the moment I'm still married to her and in same house. It's been roommates only for 4 years. Tension built, and 4 weeks ago we had a huge blow out after not arguing since she established 4 years ago that she was done trying. All my fault of course!!! So here I am at 62, broken hearted and getting divorced from someone I love who I'm in close contact with daily. It was extremely frustrating over the years, because she claimed she loved me, but kept bashing me. I thought it was because of her childhood trauma and baggage from two past horrible spouses. But she fits too well of that of a Female Covert Narcissist. That being said, it helps me cut the cord and move on. These Coverts can really hook you emotionally because you see them being nice and sweet to everyone else, while they bash you, and blame you for ruining the relationship. So you're blaming yourself. All the while they have been no Saint, have plenty of dirt of their own, and you saw it, but the blame was put on you so much that you weren't honestly evaluating their behavior. They also accuse you of what they are guilty of. Had I been thinking clearly, I would have dumped her a long time ago and not wasted 18 years of my life. They have you thinking it's all your fault and thinking if you just do what they want.... When you do nothing wrong, they'll accuse you of something you didn't do, and have you playing defense. If you actually do something wrong, they'll go ballistic and use it to bash you. Cut you off and ignore you. The discard doesn't mean they'll come right out and say break up, like a normal person does when theybwant out of a relationship. They will treat you like dirt until you leave. Knowing what dirt she has done, since I met her, I suspect she only wants divorce now because she plans on getting a new source. And might already have someone in mind. She made me (nothing in her mind) so she can't feed on me. She does still get pleasure while I'm still here in the house, feeling like she has power over me, and occasionally pushing my buttons. Financially (although she makes good money and doesn't need mine) at the moment she's supporting her daughter and 4 grand children, and needs my input. Otherwise I suspect she would want to speed up the divorce and me moving out, so she can date a new source. When they discard you, and you go No Contact, they panic but not like regular people do. They will date someone right away, then realize that new person isn't easily controlled, they have to love bomb them, and spend too much time training them. They grab you back, thinking you're available and ready to be bashed again and only love bomb you for a few weeks, before they start bashing you again. These people really think they do no wrong and have no idea they themselves are really sick. All you can do is fave the fact they have issues and escape to save your own life. They're main goal is to make you miserable. Put you in a place to always be sucking up to them. They'll never see anything good about you, and only the bad in you, and never look at themself in the mirror. Never admit they did anything wrong. Anyone out there younger than I am, please get away from these people. It will never be a good relationship because no matter what they say about wanting a good relationship, they dont want one and won't allow themself to have one. All at your expense. I'm no Saint either, and they don't want the perfect person anyway. They'll find someone they suspect isn't perfect, get you to reveal your deepest darkest secrets, implying they love and accept you for who you are, like youbjust found your soul mate, then use that information against you.

[@taneyat6_33]

Wow, your words describing the devaluation are like words of a poet. They really sank in & articulated the pain I experienced 😭😢. It was indescribable for me, but you described it to a T.

[@lovebiscuits1880]

So true

[@katsarti9224]

Hard to match the feelings with words....it's a mish mash.

[@Rossimac_]

Yep. I can’t wrap my mind around how it feels. When you’re in the midst of it, your brain is constantly in fight or flight. That’s the best way I can explain it. Not enough oxygen to reason out the intricate tangle. At times, it makes me wonder if I’m the narcissist!

[@DonnaMarie414]

This completely explains why everything I think, say or do is criticized. But the victim needs to stop trying to convince the N of the truth. He HAS to see you as completely bad to justify his discarding you. But it's also painful to know he is telling everyone how horrible you are and what a victim he is.

[@janejana333]

Exactly..he terribly devaluated, cheated, cruelly discarded and spread terrible lies about you..and still presents himself as the victim..what?? 🤯

[@shalaemayville9863]

I cannot find any words. I just remember the pain. You put everything I experienced into words. Now I know his thoughts. He pushed me to misbehave. My emotions were overwhelming and I would spend days anxious, feeling like the ugliest woman, most worthless person. He was the love of my life. I had no idea this was his "game". Checking out other women, looking at me to see if I noticed. Bringing up other women. Comparing my attributes to them. So subtle. I thought I was just crazy and jealous. The rejection hurt the most. I would beg a 58 year old man for sex. Beg. Then we would fight. He had this plan the whole time. I had no idea it was a game. I wish he would just separate from his mom. She's the one he should stand up to and do this to. He holds a lot of contempt for her.

[@LadySevereGenerator]

I’ve been out of my 7 year relationship with a narcissist for 5 years now, and slowly, the pieces are coming together, understanding what happened to me. So many layers. This video really hits home. Connects the dots even more. Wow.

[@Stan-mh7bf]

33:17 those are the exact same words my ex-narc used during devaluation phase: "you have deceived me, you have tricked me, you are not the same person as when we first met, you have changed".

[@NigerWifeChronicles]

Same here this is not my wife he spoke in 3rd person? No you are not my wife . You are not the same

[@AnimosityIncarnate]

Bar for bar from the covert. 5 years later and she still tries the same thing. I'm legit 5 years removed and every technique doesn't work on me AND she tried to say she changed but is exactly the same lmao all projecting

[@LisaTravis-m7e]

I was devalued, replaced , devalued then brutally discarded and voila, the replacement was suddenly in the spotlight 😮

[@alliegreenwold2631]

Dr Vaknin - can you explain how/why narcissistic behaviour is so formulaic, like a script? We are probably thousands thinking yes, this was exactly what happened. The actors in these setups, however, did they plan this?

[@Hayatiis]

Repetition compulsion, it is psychological. They are not aware of it

[@MissSuzapalooza]

Wow. Just wow. This completely sums up the last ten years of my life with a narcissist.

[@chloeblack8572]

It's amazing, terrifying, and totally unfortunate just how long we endure this nightmare, hoping desperately for change that will only result in our further devastation, denigration, ultimate destruction :( Prof. Vaknin is invaluable in showing us the universal signs of this inhuman abuse so we can quit while we may yet be ahead.

[@a44qb23]

Your videos explain all phases of a 20 year relationship that left me puzzled, frustrated and confused. It explains all the break up and getting back together, why they are now reaching out via text after two years (next month) of no contact. Thank you for your work - confirms I'm not the crazy one - my pain level greatly reduced simply by understanding what happened and why it never changed - it can't. Wow!

[@Sandydeeeeee]

This has saved me a fortune in therapy. I’m his ‘mother’ I’ve been devalued & discarded. Sexless. No intimacy: he drinks too much. Lately his mother has been sharing inappropriate things with him about her and his father. His temper tantrums have been worse with me since. Fancy girl in his work has left, it was all in his silly head. He spoke about her to me as if I was his ‘friend’. I can barely look at him. Im too young fr this shit. I’ve well & truly been knocked off the pedestal. I’m going to start to prepare an exit plan. Thank you 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 I feel like a single wife. He had nothing when I met him. Unbelievable.

[@huandru]

This clip is a very succinct summary of my April and May in 2006. Ugh! ...It is healing to hear how it was always going to be inevitable.

[@SMA57880]

I am always amazed when I listen to your videos. There is no one in the field who offers such accurate psychological insight into narcissistic personality disorder. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and wisdom.

[@marilynrosario228]

The night my narcissist decided to discard me for good, he told me very loudly, that he "hated me" and that now, I would know what it felt like to 'be alone". He turned over, despite my crying and went right to sleep. The next day... he never came back. When you say that the narcissist gives you back your snapshot and projects on it.... that is so eye-opening. 😢 I thank you, Professor Vaknin for all of these videos.

[@Snakey103]

That’s so horrible . You did not deserve that 😢 I’m sorry

[@TheCm1546]

This is somewhat what I went through :,( Im so sorry

[@spartanladkenny7870]

My narc ex called me lazy. She told me her ex bf used to treat her so much better. She told me I'm dishonest. There were lots of "jokes" where she put me down.

[@StormsHurt]

All these videos Helped so much and are so on point. Thankfully for me, I was ready when it got to the worst part. I have learned to ignore his insults, clip the strings On some his tricks, and learned to build myself up before he could tear me down. He can’t figure me out anymore. I gray rock the Hell out of him. I Never Ever question his behavior that would normally make me react explosively. I just say, he doesn’t care, doesn’t love and isn’t capable, so WHY SHOULD I?

[@yolipurpleflower9895]

I have a younger sister who treated me in the way Dr. Vaknin describes. I had to go no contact several years ago. Afterwards, I've never felt better!

[@jessicamarks5577]

I LOVE YOUR KNOWLEDGE ON THIS DISORDER .

[@ladyg852]

Sending much love to everyone going through this. Thank you, Dr. Vaknin

[@nicolamills8003]

That was an excellent explanation to 30 yrs married to one, thank you.

[@renee4882]

This behavior is in part why Hell was created.

[@Yandere31_]

😂😂😂😂😂

[@StormsHurt]

I am the best I have been in all the years I have been with him PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY. There is no longer pain. I started January 2023 working on me. He doesn’t know me anymore. I JUST FOCUS ON ALL THE BENEFITS I GAINED WHILE HE WAS LOVE BOMBING ME. Thank God I learned what to expect before it started

[@ocarina3654]

35:28 "when this process fails there is Wolverine" (hoovering) KZbin translation has a preference for super heroes 😆

[@mexicanbeautyqueen7988]

Wow this is incredible! You’re explaining it as if you were a camera recording everything that happened between me and my ex narc. It happened exactly how you explained it.

[@heleskutti]

I also love the youtube captions, I've collected the best ones so far: Sam Back 9 Sandberg Sandra King Sam Barney Sam Wagner Sam Blackman Sun Bikini Sandbagnin Some Diamond

[@misstd158]

These people are nuts the devaluation with the one I was with started in 3 months no I did not know what was going on but when I talked to his ex and told her what he was and we started comparing notes she was devalued in 3 months as well these unstable creatures need to just go and get a counselor if they have mommy issues and start projecting it onto the rest of the world cuz we're not their mothers blame who did it to you not who didn't

[@nathansmith-nd9nq]

I really like my brain having a good workout on your fabulous channel Prof Sam . The truth is in abundance here and I so appreciate that . So thank you

[@leslypompy1357]

You amazingly described the exact conduct I witnessed.

[@rabiyac6710]

Thank you. It’s difficult to explain this to people who haven’t experienced it firsthand. I’m divorced from the narcissist but right now the kids are experiencing abandonment for the past two weeks. Very suddenly he stopped purchasing foodstuff and other things that he usually buys for them. They haven’t heard from him at all. We’re not surprised. Last time it happened he abandoned them for two years.

[@hopeinhumanity.]

Fortunately for those who go through this ugly repetitive cycle can get a glimpse of how the narcissist truly feels about you and about himself. If you can learn from it, you can grow from it.

[@romygarcia3782]

Thank you for explaining this like no other can … it all makes a lot more sense now. And to know it’s not about us, but all about them helps to heal the wounds

[@Ana-nu2vb]

Prof. Vaknin, could you please talk about the consequences for the children raised by a narcissist father x healthy mother/or PTSD mother. Would be very helpful to clarify and understand if the child can stay heathy in such circumstances, specially if the mother is mentally healthy. Thank you from Brazil.

[@lorarau1255]

In my experience, sadly, the children, as adults. eventually treated me, at the level shown to me by their father, my husband, when they were growing up in the struggle, I thought I had 3 children, but there was actually a fourth.

[@leon7e]

I see Sam Vacuum on my closed captions. Maybe the A.I. is being facetious and wanting to say "Hoover" Lol

[@nazaninebrahimi8879]

Devaluation happened before my pregnancy. He ran cold and neglectful of me and my needs and was even reluctant to have sex although we had agreed to try for pregnancy. Now I know that was when he had devalued me.

[@credulity96]

It feels surreal to be living through this experience currently. Thank you for putting words to what my female narcissist is doing internally. Things were good for a spell while she had a low level of stressors in her life. But as stressors around her daughters and two of her grandchildren and their extended family have escalated, she's gone back to self-destructive neuroticism and behaviors and to projecting onto me as her enemy. I have continued to kindle the fire because of my own issues, but inevitably it burned me again. It's remarkable how I've only in the current trauma been reconnected emotionally with past ways that she traumatized me in thousands of small ways.

[@Iain265]

This is so real in my life! And I am a "HE"

[@orianna9200]

Wow! For many years single since this happened to me. Dr. Is right on the mark. For many years I wanted to know why? This is as clear as it gets and was very painful to hear. Mostly because I feel so so unbelievably stupid and I always thought I was pretty intelligent. Im past the anger now as long as I dont dwell on it to much. I live alone anyway dont date. Too many people today are these types.

[@alexis19720]

You've perfectly described the splitting I've experienced coming from someone who has these tendencies

[@Dani-hd1xn]

This really sums up the last few months of my life. It's been so painful. I've now been fully discarded, what hell it's all been and I'm not even out.

[@dominican2424]

They do not change. I tried for ten years. He just discarded again last week - the two days were wild. I am stronger now - but it will not change at all. I can actually laugh about it now because it was sooooo immature. He also had the nerve to ask me if I was tapping his phone again 😂

[@christyrambajan9757]

I shouldn't feel so terrible then. It was just 2 and a half months and i went through every single phase.

[@tamyracarpenter81]

I was reverse discarded over and over. He still proudly says he never kicked me out. Yeah but you made it a living hell so I had no choice but leave our home even though I had no where to really go. Left home 20+ times in 8 years. This time I am 8 months gone and back in my home I had rented while living with him.

[@lifeis_chaos]

The narc I used to date, before the devaluation phase started, he told me one day that he had already pictured me with someone else, living happily, while he rotted in hatred and loneliness. After that, when the devaluation stage started, he just pointed out how stupid I was to stay and that he wanted me dead. Twice, he begged me to stay after devaluating me, with the promise of changing his ways, of working it out. In the end he didn't, everything and everyone seemed to be the problem and life sucked according to him. I left.

[@kammahallo]

This is super interesting. My ex ended our relationship in a mad rage and he yelled at me that I wasn't such a good person at all. That I had talked about empathy, love and care but that I was no better than him. He was extremely busy putting me down and saying that I wasn't a good person and that this was the reason the relationship ended and therefore he had found someone new (with whom he had had an affair and with whom he is now ). Once we were visiting my parents and he tells them that meeting me was like buying a product with a false product declaration - because he thought I had changed and was not the same anymore. Perhaps a slightly wrong place to express such an attitude but not for a narc obviously.

[@annbraden2666]

OMG what a nightmare. Glad you know what's what now! Stay strong, it was never about you.

[@dominican2424]

Mine wouldn't stop calling me fake. Then used triangulation - he had me on the line and someone on his other phone. He wanted me to hear her voice. She was our former neighbor 9 years ago. I know this patterns so although sad & taken aback - I can't say I am surprised. They are children and crazy.

[@Steve-m7k]

Some people do not tolerate one moment of their smart mouths. There insults in my world that is not permitted that is not allowed

[@kevingillard5474]

Oh WOW! What an extraordinarily novel way of looking at the process that makes even more sense. Drawing more power early on and throughout the negative part of the cycle and to gain prep time and advantage for next victim acquisition.

[@petehenry7151]

I very much appreciate this channel and the content - I have learned so much on my road to recovery. On top of "Sam Batman" (on this video the subtitles come up as Sam Vachnin at one point), when you begin speaking about hoovering the subtitles are "when this process fails, there is Wolverine" at 35:24

[@chloeblack8572]

😄😄😄

[@angiemcleod7979]

The idealise, discard then devalue staging actually makes sense since the NPD-afflicted person sees things in extremes and is very black and white. I think I may have been discarded very early in my last relationship. The devaluation started after about 6 weeks. Very interesting.

[@rosesantiago174]

THANK YOU, YOUR WISDOM MAKES A DIFFERENCE IN THIS WORLD!

[@alexandrapetukat1038]

It is so painful, have no English words for it.

[@Canaday291]

This explains the malignant narcissist I eventually divorced while I was at Easter mass with my children he abandoned and moved out of the house leaving me with 3 young children 3,5,8 years old to move away with the married co worker he’d been having an affair with .Telling me with no emotion flatly he just didn’t feel like being a husband or dad anymore

[@chloebhanks]

My ex 1) love bombed and idealized me and I, like an idiot, basked in the admiration and felt that I was finally getting the love and attention i deserved - weren’t we amazing together and what a cool couple we were 🙄 he was “separated” and assured me that they had been over for a very long time but just hadn’t signed papers yet 2) after a couple of years with me met someone at work who he admired and he started to ignore me, pick fights with me and sneer at me with disdain when I talked a to him, didn’t do things with me anymore (and I’m a mom so stopped connecting with my daughter too, only 9 at the time) I was miserable not understanding what went wrong… he suddenly seemed to hate me. In retrospect once I found out about her, I see that he was pushing for a separation so that he could hook up with this new woman in his life. And when I finally broke down and asked for a separation he came home from work the next day and said he wanted to work things out. I’ll never know, but I suspect she decided not to consummate the flirtation. And I wasn’t allowed to talk about it with him at all or he would get angry. I spent 3 years feeling regret and shame for letting him treat me so bad - and I knew that I had taken part in something that was a pattern… and his ex wife before me probably didn’t expect him to leave her permanently. I am certain he would have done it again if I had stayed with him. It was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me - the pain made me absolutely sick. I divorced him a few months ago and we’ve gone through 3 phases: 1) he was certain I was having an affair and that’s why I wasn’t trying to get him to come back and he contacted my family members and his to tell them so 2) he was sorry for everything and understood why I was hurt and upset and felt so sad for ruining our relationship 3) I received a closure email where explained that he only connected with her because I wasn’t giving him attention and I wasn’t attracted to him (mic dropped)

[@gayatrimatapurkar933]

Prof Vaknin your intelligence penetrates truth which is stranger than fiction..this discovery as you say is mind bending mind numbing mind boggling mind blowing..just to receive it from you ..imagine your joy of unfolding it.thank you Sir.

[@christinaoxendine7550]

Professor Sam.... Thank you. I now am able to understand the fuckery I have lived through for 20 years...

[@Mothermochi]

Lol this. All of this. At the end, the abuser became extremely self righteous. Even got a tattoo to commemorate his superiority. All the while using my childhood traumatic taunt me into a altercation. He started calling me by my father s name.

[@platty9237]

This explains perfectly what I experienced with my ex. My devaluation lasted a year until I cut ties, and it was mentally exhausting. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I didn’t understand why she kept me around, so this video has been helpful.

[@StormsHurt]

Aww so true. When he is mad at me, he ignores my female dog he claims he loves and he ignores his mother. Now that I think of it, this started years ago.

[@Snad67]

You exactly described 18 months of my life. I am still healing.

[@runwiththewind3281]

Professor Vaknin, thank you.

[@iopakayalo3459]

I want to express my deep gratitude for the valuable knowledge you share on this topic, Doctor Vaknin. Your contributions are truly cherished, and I can't thank you enough for positively impacting lives. Thank you, again.

[@shanaadams4456]

My biggest regret was giving him another chance after 3 months apart. I saw all these things, but I wanted to give him forgiveness, but I only give people 1 chance.

[@abc-lr3wv]

It was so good that I watched it again right after first time

[@alinapercovich2671]

Gracias por tu enorme ayuda Sam Vaknin. Fuiste el hilo de Ariadna gracias al cual pude salir del laberinto. De toda la información que encontré en línea, de lejos la mas profunda, completa y esclarecedora.

[@sandrabellerue2836]

Armory of slings and arrows...thank God I walked away. Everything you said, I experienced. "Splitting"...exactly 💯

[@nawaspj7122]

My sister is a pharmacist. She insisted that I need stimulants for undiagnosed adhd. I trust her at the time. Our family had a history of addiction and these medications sent me on a soil of dependence for a while. Looking back it feels purposeful.

[@joybarton3460]

Thank you so much for this. It explains what i went through in every facet. 💔

[@KenHockeye-sy4nb]

Professor Vaknin! Thank you! Perfect for where I am in my current relationship. Have been searching for the details to help me understand narcissism and myself! This is a corner stone video to rebuild my life. Thank you.

[@jayjaygaerlan]

Spot on with the "11-year-old" mental age. We were dating and in the swimming pool, he asked me to carry him edge to edge like a kid. I was 50F and he was 51M and I thought that was weird but I agreed in good spirits. However, more actions surfaced during the 9 months we were dating. I ignored my gut feeling that it was like dating a spoiled tween. There were outbursts in public and I had to remind him to mind himself so people wouldn't stare. I don't mind men who cry and show their vulnerable side but he was too mopey and angry at the same time, I felt he was the one going through perimenopause. Two psychiatrists and one psychologist later, I still feel I was --- am -- the one who caused all of these to happen to me. But now I'm convinced I was an innocent (or ignorant, as I voluntarily ignored the red flags) victim. It just hurts that I was duped by a shell, when I was a real human being to him at that point. Thank you so much for all your insights. Stay healthy!

[@AnimosityIncarnate]

You ain't fooling anyone but yourself girl 🤷

[@alexandrapetukat1038]

Thank you !! 🙏 It’s an Nightmare. I can see it, it’s soooo very clear, visible ! Thank you ! That is so on the point ..!!!!

[@fivenighsatgirls3291]

perfect video, like all your videos, I cry with them because it's about my life, I regret that I'm Czech and I don't know English, my language barrier depends on a translator, how I would like to go to Romania and meet you, but I don't know the language, thank you for your work that heals, your loyal listener Silvie

[@beverleysmith-tg1ib]

i was with a narcissistis for 30 years and he left me as i wouldn't do a will when he asked me to. He won't tell me why he has left and was very cold, wouldn't look at me, blocked on all social media, it's like i have never been in his life. your videos have made me understand who he is and i feel like I've lived with a stranger all these years. I don't think I'll ever get over this.

[@lenar405]

Allow yourself to heal....not everyone is like ur ex. There r good ppl in the world...pray you find them...

[@frankahling3474]

Beautifully explained, compliments!!!

[@charleslacoursiere5939]

Can these people be put away? This sounds almost criminal. How can you get Justice from such treatment!?

[@claudiapost-schultzke7216]

If you finished with the narcissist you won.

[@amilabalic9417]

Thank you so much for your work this is so amazing. I do not know if I would make it without your videos. I was wondering for so long what was wrong and explaining it with his depression, my aging, stress… 🙏🏼❤️

[@kcaf3705]

Why does my narcissist never punished his real mom? His my is a covert narcissist, he doesn’t stand her but he fakes it and treats her well

[@kcaf3705]

I guess it is because he failed to separate from his mom and he still can’t 🤔

[@Rossimac_]

20:00 frightening… this is the area I’ve found myself. Sadly accepting the death of the way it used to be.

[@camfrancisco]

Excellent video! You did it - again!

[@oladipoademuyiwa7157]

I have experienced all these from my narc spouse. Before understanding this personality disorder, I was wondering how gradually she developed all these traits. I was baffled but now I understood and I am now healing. It was an emotional suicide.

[@CT--jv2ur]

Hey, Sam, I love your videos and find them to be both meaningful and informative through my scope of knowledge-accruement. I have only two questions, if you (hopefully) would be willing to answer them: when it comes to psychopathy, is it merely a result of an error in separation and individuation from the mother, or is it also genetic, as in the fact that someone could realistically be born with full-fledged psychopathy/develop it, without there being anything wrong with the mother's way of behavior, towards the child in the early developmental phases? Also, is there any way a typical person with psychopathy might be able to regain a sense of self, like through decompensation f.ex?

[@kevingillard5474]

Sam formulated a 'cold' process to potentially 'reprogram/retraumatize' the narcissist. Google for the videos.

[@kelleymowers]

👆🏼THIS IS THE ONE!!!!! This explains it ALL. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@IamGlobal73]

Out of the eyes of a man, the behaviour described in this video is also familiar from all my past ex-girlfriends, before ruining and ending our seemingly functioning relationship because their "feelings have changed" ... while from that moment on I was fighting windmills trying to fix things without a chance. I would not call it NPD per se - maybe "daddy issues" that summon narcessistic traits that push away any own responsibility on their part.

[@captaron]

Check out his videos on the DSM5TR, narcissism in women was under diagnosed and now has the same diagnostic criteria.

[@IamGlobal73]

@@captaron I watch all of Prof. Vaknin's videos. I am also so-called “red-pilled“. I am tired - tired of being pushed into the co-dependant role of the enabler of their entitlements and addictions and pushing my boundaries which eventually force me to walk away from relationships and being a MGTOW not by choice - but ultimately self preservation.

[@lieutenantdangle3128]

@@IamGlobal73 I 100% fell that especially the part about MGTOW. Like you, it’s not what I wanted but it’s the only safe thing for us. These damaged souls will destroy you and the only way to guarantee it never happens again is to be alone. It’s a sad reality.