Why Narcissist Desires YOU, Why YOU Fall for It (Conation, Doxastic Voluntarism, Base Rate Fallacy)

Narcissist mislabels his dopamine addiction to the shared fantasy as desire or love. Having idealized you, he regards you as the best fit for his shared fantasy. He is then motivated to pursue you through lovebombing. This is the conation (conative) phase.
But, being entitled, he resents this conative phase and is frustrated by it.
This resentment and frustration lead to aggression (narcissistic abuse) and the stage is set for devaluation.
LITERATURE
Conation: A Neglected Aspect of Neuropsychological Functioning
Ralph M Reitan, Deborah Wolfson
Archives of Clinical Neuropsychology, Volume 15, Issue 5, July 2000, Pages 443-453
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store: www.amazon.com/stores/page/60F8EC8A-5812-4007-9F2C-DFA02EA713B3

[@jimmcd5660]

It’s so weird, I knew it was a fantasy in the beginning, and tried to account for this by attempting to be a bit distant in an attempt to not be hurt, but as the years went by, it appears I was sucked into it fully, and started believing the fantasy..although I was still aware it was a fantasy, I willfully ignored this and did not understand narcissism in depth, and Sam as you say, although I knew he was a liar and manipulator, I still had a baseline trust that I came from and believed things he said because I wanted those lies to be truths. I knew if I cross checked these lies, I knew they would be lies, so I remained willfully ignorant, until the lies became so damaging, the whole fantasy and relationship was ended by me. Feels like a sort of reverse discard of sorts, my narcissistic was covert, and showed me “love” and affection the entire time, that makes the break up more difficult, he wasn’t an asshole overtly, and always showed me his version of “love”. What a mindfuck.

[@lealina5030]

Exactly same experience. Thank you. In my case 30 years, only in the last one it started to feel really off. Later I found out he had an affair for months, but very skillfully disguising it by having periods when he was suddenly unbelievably nice and loving to me. Thanks to his mistress who he invited to court 😮, I know now there were many before her. And secret abortions. Only now I understand how lucky I am to have escaped.

[@transatmusic]

Exactly the same situation for me. Word for word.

[@judithfowler9150]

Me too.

[@user-ix7su5ju7q]

😅😅 so sad my fantasy seems so real

[@marilynmonheaux6356]

I trusted her because I wanted to. I consciously made the choice to believe everything she said because it felt good. I was desperate and thirsty for love. The lovebombing felt good. The shared fantasy was beautiful to me.

[@tomydismay]

I deeply appreciate these videos with the "tough love" perspective that those of us who find ourselves in shared narcissistic fantasies and subsequent narcissistic abuses had a role in it because if we believe the false narratives that we were all just "helpless victims" in this mess then we have no agency to reclaim ourselves, accept our faults, and grow from these mistakes. At first it felt unnecessarily harsh, but as I have learned to tolerate that discomfort and continue listening and educating myself, as well as consciously evaluating my own roles, I had an "ah-ha!" moment--to break free, to heal, to grow from this AND not repeat the same mistakes I MUST take responsibility for my role in all of it. Painful at first yet liberating in the end and that is my primary goal at this time. Professor Vaknin, my gratitude for your work is immense. Thank you.

[@zayasnana9]

BECAUSE HE MAKES IT FEEL SAFE AND THAT ITS OK TO RELAX FROM “SURVIVAL MODE” if even for a moment. That is why I ignored the red flags. But his narc side I found it only after we started living under the same roof. In fact it was a scripture in 2 Timothy that God is warning us of who to run from and he has every characteristic that God describes. And that’s how I came to find he is a narc

[@MsCaitlin7]

You relax from survival mode because you feel like you have gotten under the wing of protection of whom you are most frightened of and therefore you are no longer afraid.

[@nicholes3781]

Gosh that first sentence is the nail on the head.

[@user-dl1bp9lz3j]

Crystal clear explanation of a very confusing process. It seems that the object is just that; merely an object in another's repetative play.

[@debraparker6404]

You are absolutely right. Now that I think back. I wanted to believe. Anyone looking in watching. Say a mouse in the corner could have seen what I refused to.

[@SoniaSonia-qw1zo]

In my situation things could not have been different, I lacked awareness, and at 50 years old is totally different than 19 years old, I m fine

[@curtmaloney7859]

Same here. As I gained awareness I stood my ground against what wasn't true, right and real. That quickly lead to my devaluation and my discard. I would have sped things up even more but with young kids I had to get ducks properly lined up to be able to save them as best as possible. I'm fine, she's still a whack job.

[@Naturehealingperspectives33]

On point! The narcissist is great at creating immediate trust even when alarm bells are going off!

[@erirosesan]

This was absolutely brilliant! Thank you so much! I loved the way you ended the talk by empowering those who are or were in narcissistic relationships to reflect upon themselves. Its important to take accountability for their contribution to the shared fantasy. This was very helpful!

[@susanwilliams7814]

My experience on a personal level with practical experience is😂😂 that the psychopathic narcissist often has ADHD, OCD and MPD. This is a stunning video Professor

[@alinapercovich2671]

This is exactly what happened to me, and I ve never heard or read it before. Thank you very much, it clarifies my a lot. It is an energy that acts beyond what happens in reality.

[@DailyGrindRedefined]

I just went through the same thing. Constant accusations and mistrust when you’ve done everything you can to show them that isn’t the case. It makes you feel like you’re losing your mind.

[@OvejaNegra356]

Professor V, another excellent video. Thanks so much for your work. You are such a clear communicator and you have command of your material. Cheers Sir

[@debraparker6404]

Now I get it. Not only confusing but very bizarre.

[@Sorsha011]

Great lecture. Thanks.

[@user-nx1wz9wc3y]

Brilliant

[@inkanafiji3851]

Does it also apply to relationship between child and narcissistic parent? Do they idealise, cling and suck out affection from their children at the same time perceiving and convincing the child that the child themselves is a bad object ? Sort of double bind in a pseudo mutual family ?

[@samvaknin]

Watch the From Child to Narcissist playlist.

[@paullothyan8602]

ALEXITHYMIA can you talk a little about this condition

[@milliondollarartist]

12:26 damn genius 12:26 20 videos watched and 1st comment. 12:26 thank s for needed insight 12:26

[@milliondollarartist]

16:21 I never understood what was happening with a defined word corination. 16:21 thanks. 16:21

[@shaundavis7705]

I’m a self aware narcissist

[@moniquekoningstein1877]

If they find you childlike and are unable to see you or convert you into their mother would it be possible if they take on the role of their own mother and become a very critical parent in the relationship? Thanks.

[@shellyannswaby7713]

Does this mean that it’s possible for a narcissistic person can pass a lie detector test? Can you do a session the narcissism and lie detector. I’m always curious what a result may be.

[@micheleleegoddard]

Is it possible to be introduced into a shared fantasy with a man who is already in a shared fantasy with his narcissistic mother?

[@samvaknin]

Yes.

[@jmart9414]

Because my brother, a raging covert narcissist, was given my inheritance by my equally narcissist dead father in his numerously changed final will. I must now remain under his fantasy because the residence that my autistic son qnddd I have lived for over 35 years is the huge part of what I was to inherit....this spun 180 ° and I had no idea this had been planned. It was and will remain because I'm trapped in this insane reality..... DUped by my oun father and brother...who is a 2x fellon as well as a sex offender. He is not only a narc but a sex pervert who did a 12 year prison sentence. Why he isn't on Megan's Law totally puzzles me. HELP

[@roberth4395]

The only thing you can try to do is to convince your sibling to give you your fair share.

[@user-yn2sq3mf2l]

You can't convince them of anything not to their advantage unless it's tactical

[@IRONBYRON3]

Some places have laws regarding Estate matters. Consult a lawyer.

[@dennisboateng9352]

No one determines their inheritance, for it's a gift at best n giver chooses who they will like to give to. Number of years spent was but privilege not entitlement

[@jayrodriguez4119]

You get independent and get out.

[@philc494]

Thank you, already listening. One question: how do I know if I'm just the victim of a recent narcissist, or also a narcissist myself? I never felt this way since before my narcissistic relationship partner...

[@samvaknin]

Search the comorbidities and the victimhood playlists.

[@lindsaykolarik8036]

I've had the exact same issue

[@lindsaykolarik8036]

@@samvaknin Thank you! I adore you! 🥰🫠😁

[@philc494]

Thank you for all that you do! @@samvaknin

[@ThanePL]

Do borderlines do the same? Present us with a proposition of a shared fantasy and all mechanisms of why they believe it to be true and us falling for it are the same? Or is, because of the fact that BPDs can feel real emotion as opposed to NPDs, conation playing a less profoud role in the process?

[@samvaknin]

Search the shared fantasy and the BPD playlists.

[@alliegreenwold2631]

Could you please do a video analysis on Wagner’s The Flying Dutchman?

[@MrClaike7]

what happend to the intro mr. vaknin? I could repeat it while comatose at this point.

[@DarkRose709]

Dear Sam, not totally related to the specific video, but can a person have bdp and be super emathetic at the same time? My recent narc experience made me want to learn more about myself and my disorders. Do you offer individual consulting sessions or would you recommend a colleague?

[@samvaknin]

BPD have reduced empathy. Depression can lead to emotional dysregulation and mimic BPD.

[@DarkRose709]

🙏🙏

[@SoniaSonia-qw1zo]

I don t have a choice

[@payla8308]

That was a wonderful introduction Sam! Very animated and spirited. Much fanfare and to-do! 😄 🤌

[@ilkekaplan6107]

We tend to believe people❤️‍🩹

[@neomaredi5922]

Even against the contrary. 😢

[@sigmundfreud2443]

Which in itself is beautiful.

[@Ark.083.2..1onnne]

​@@sigmundfreud2443 You are so wrong I am starting to hate the cult of yours that thinks STILL in puppies and rainbows, THINK THIS... How much damage you might have contributed to other people knowingly or unknowingly by believing in them,,, huh,, I SURE DID😢, IT WAS OUR CHOICE, WAS MY CHOICE, that i didn't verify, thinking the world is all roses, you might just start giving out nukes to terrorists, YOU STILL DIDN'T UNDERSTAND? It was NAIEVITY NOT BEAUTY!!!!! To be precise naievity mixed with our SELFISH needs that aligned so damn well...

[@Ark.083.2..1onnne]

​@@sigmundfreud2443 Sorry, yes it's beautiful