Severe and enduring anorexia nervosa (SE-AN)

[@daynasafranek7807]

People who have never experienced an eating disorder have no idea how mentally consuming, physically exhausting and how eating can really feel like “life or death”. I understand, girl. I made it through and although food still is on my mind as is weight, it’s just not that important anymore. I’m not sure what changed or switched and I think that’s why it’s so hard to “cure”, and I wish I had great advice or something that could help or work, but eating disorders are such a personal thing. Nobody can ever understand and I want you to know that I love you and I want the best for you. ❤

[@ababy6074]

Oh thank you so much for your comment and support. It is okay that you don't have any advice. It is enough to know that people can understand what it is like and still want the best for you, as you have said you do. I am not unhappy, and I may never recover, but the only thing I must do is be the best mum I can be and do my best to love and cherish the best parts of life. XOXOO

[@lovinglybeing7808]

I appreciate your raw honesty. I see you! I hear you! I support you! YOU are worthy of recovery and a brighter life! I'm living proof at 53. I was told I'd never make it to age 21. Ha! May you be graced with the will and means to heal in a way that honors your sensitive spirit. Most everyone with Anorexia is afraid to gain weight. It passes and becomes a rite of passage to accepting we are mortals who need and deserve proper nourishment to live optimal lives. There is hope. One breath, one drink and meal at a time.

[@ababy6074]

I think it is incredible that you have recovered. You did so well. This is a very hard thing to beat. But this is not going to be me. I have failed at recovery, but it doesn't mean I'm unhappy. I'm quite happy and physically doing very well. I am fine being the size that I am and I never want to gain weight. I'm sorry :( Thank you for hearing and seeing me. In a way I wish I could have done it, but it has given me gifts that I would never give up too. Big hugs and kisses!! xoxox

[@anabelrios1968]

B12 vitamins

[@mjf609]

Lots of us won’t recover from Ed’s. You’re not alone in feeling this way. ❤❤❤

[@ababy6074]

I know. 😞 But there are plenty of people who think we don't There's people who don't think I even have the right not to get better because I'm a mother. But, it's a thing I can't do at this point, and I'm not going to apologise for my feelings. As you say, a lot of us won't and it doesn't stop us being worthwhile for being here. Xxxx

[@Cat-gy5zf]

Hi There. Thanks so much for sharing. Your story is so very familiar to me. It's like you're telling my story except that I'm 52 now and healthy & functioning & fully recovered as far as my relationship with food. My anorexia nervosa also started around 13 years old. I also went through those involuntary traumatic treatments of isolation & having to earn privileges as a teenager. I was in one of those government facilities in South Africa in the 80's for almost a year. I also developed OCD. I've battled my demons mostly alone. I never had out-patient therapy afterwards. My family never spoke about it. Mental illness was a weakness my father didn't acknowledge. Anyway, to cut a long story short...it's been decades of self-loathing, self medicating, self-sabataging, but I've survived & have 2 beautiful adult sons whom I'm very proud of and adore. Loving them more than hating myself, saved me. They made me less self-centered and self-absorbed which I think is what anorexia nervosa makes us. God bless you...I hope you find a way to set yourself a little more free every day ❤

[@daynasafranek7807]

So many of us who are in our 50’s, me included. For me, it’s heart breaking. I’m glad you’re still here ❤️‍🩹

[@fusiongearbox]

It's scary how eating disorders can stop you getting better

[@mjf609]

They take over one’s life…

[@jennifermarsh1260]

PS. Seeing your face light up when you spoke about Viv was so heart-warming 🥰🙏

[@Firemedicchick]

TW I’m sure this might be unpopular but we’ve all thought it. Me personally, I don’t want to recover. That’s just honesty. I don’t enjoy my ED by a long shot and I know it’s gonna destroy my body but the idea of giving up control terrifies me. People on recovery channels like to spout “Just live your life! Be happy! It doesn’t matter!” But the reality is that weight does matter. Socially, emotionally and even economically. Trying to claim it doesn’t isn’t helping in my opinion. I just wonder if you have a similar mindset? That doesn’t mean I am pro ED by any means. I don’t wish this on anyone. I do hope you are able to be free from this one day. You are a very honest, articulate woman and I know you are strong enough. ❤️

[@jennifermarsh1260]

You are a warrior, Ange - I love you so much & this information is in NO WAY a waste!! Thank you for sharing your raw & truthful experiences, you're helping others understand. 🙏🌟🌟💛💛💛😘

[@ababy6074]

Thank you my dear friend, this means so much to me! Love you Jen xxx

[@deannag4581]

Agree 100%

[@rachelmckitterick]

I am a Seed paitent too. I saw that comment you are referring to and I'm sorry that was left for you. Inpatient for me caused me to have c-ptsd. I've know of your traumas from your experiences for many years now. I hope the younger generations have better experiences than we did sweetheart ❤

[@ababy6074]

It is sad to hear you've been through very similar, trauma and this long term, ongoing ED. Inpatient treatment for me also was one cause of my CPTSD. It is a dreadful thing to have to live with and I'm sorry you have been through all you have. Maybe we can connect. I hope things are easier for you now. I'm here anytime. My Instagram is:@ange_miniarts. xoxox

[@rachelmckitterick]

Thanks for your reply Hun. I'm actually not on any social media (except here and 'mpa') I hope your day is going alright. You are so kind ❤

[@moonlight_adventures]

I was int he system for many years and have severe and chronic C-PTSD from that. I am not recovered and never will be either, but am managing way better and will never get close at all to the system. Things are not black or white and some people like us need different things. I thing it is very important to voice this out!

[@ababy6074]

Thank you, I agree! I am putting up another video very soon! Lots of love ❤️ xx

[@cassandracampillio4741]

U are an inspiration just by talking about it don't be so hard on urself I am going through similar and Ed isn't a joke Ur amazing and Ur worth it

[@ababy6074]

And you are too. Thank you and please take care ❤xx

[@stephanieeveringham]

Thank you so much for speaking on this 🙌 your story and experience is absolutely 100% valid no matter where you’re at with your ed 🩷 your voice and your experience with an ed should be heard because there are a lot of others who are in this similar boat. Keep speaking on your story because this part of an ed is rarely spoken about like this 🫶🫶🫶 love you 💞

[@ababy6074]

Thank you Steph, so much! That means a lot to me. I hope you are really well and yes I will keep speaking about it all! Lots of love xxxx

[@emmas1082]

I am praying for your recovery.

[@ababy6074]

I don't think it will ever get to recovery, and that's okay with me. I have found my hope and purpose anyway. How are you? Thank you for your comment 🙏 😊 xx

[@deannag4581]

Anytime you put yourself out there, people will have something negative to say - just remember that. I support you and your channel and wish you the best 🤗 ❤❤❤

[@ababy6074]

Thank you so very, very much xoxox

[@oldschool8432]

Some people are so nasty. The one's leaving nasty comments are probably jealous you have gotten your life back together. Wishing you all the best you look wonderful

[@ababy6074]

Thank you! That means a lot to me. I hope you are okay, and sending tons of hugs and love xoxoxo

[@ingvilddanielsen1114]

You have the most beautiful eyes. Beautiful soul. I wish you the very best. ❤❤❤❤

[@ababy6074]

Oh that is really kind of you. Thank you so much ❤️ xxx

[@cassandracampillio4741]

I found with impatient treatment it made me worse so I know the feeling I felt that they put me in the to hard basket and unless these so called professionals they call themselves have been through it they have literally no idea

[@ababy6074]

No, I feel like they really don't know what they're doing. When you've been through the treatment system this many times, you can see it all easily. It's very sad that a treatment system for a disorder has become not about treating it, but imposing nothing but weight gain - what we fear most - and spitting you out.

[@katherinebrown4692]

I think you are brave to speak out like this and sorry you,ve got stupid comments.Remember there is always hope for recovery, just because you haven't yet doesn't mean that you can't do it in the coming years.I wish you strength and happiness in your life to break some habits and make new exciting ones ❤

[@ababy6074]

Thank you so much Katherine. Thank you for having hope for me. It means a lot to me. xxoxoxo

[@louisebruce1863]

Just came across your channel as can’t believe how your story resonates so much with mine. I also have never recovered and also started restricting at 13. I’m now 58 and the last 2 years have been my worst. I got to my y lowest weight ever and just wanted out. I’ve also become very agrophobic so don’t go out. I don’t see or talk to people and really don’t want to, but I also decided to keep going for my daughter and my son. It’s so nice to finally find someone similar to me. Look forward to seeing more videos 🥰

[@ababy6074]

I'm so glad you are deciding to live, for your children or not. I'm very sad to hear you have been through the same kind of hell with this disorder. It does sound like we have a lot in common. Please keep doing the best you can. You sound like a very loving mother and I hope your children know what a special person you are. Please take care. Xxx

[@louisebruce1863]

@@ababy6074 thank you for your kind words-it’s a very lonely existence in my world. Do you find that also? This illness is the worst and it takes everything and gives nothing back. So many regrets and opportunities missed, but my head couldn’t ever accept being at a ‘normal’ weight ever. 🥲

[@ruth6983]

This is the first video I've seen from you. I suffered from anorexia for 10 years and still recovering.. You know it hurts your loved ones more than it Actually hurts you. You are ok with saying: I'm comfortable with the fact that I'm slowly killing myself" What kind of example is that for a child? Harsh, I know but there's no nice way to say it. You have a choice. You can choose to try even if it's really really hard, and as you do, it's also choosing your daughter and your life over a prison and early death. And your child will know you did your best. Wish you lots of love and hope ❤

[@ababy6074]

I'm sorry you feel you need to make such a comment. I have said how much I do regret having an eating disorder and how I do worry about my daughter and you would know that if you had watched my other videos. But 'treatment' and other factors have utterly traumatised me and I have NEVER said 'I'm comfortable with the fact that I'm slowly killing myself,' and don't know why you would even say that. I certainly don't feel like I have a choice in recovery. I'm pleased for you if you have recovered, but just because you managed it doesn't mean we all can. I know others who have never managed to, and I don't know if you know how toxic and broken the treatment system is, but maybe you don't. Additionally, many, many people have children and also have mental disorders. Depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, GAD, are just a few, and the list goes on, and I don't hear you telling me that they are 'choosing' this. Some of them are much worse off with their illnesses than I am. I will be always trying to keep her as happy and healthy as possible and to mitigate any issues that might crop up. I am going to be telling my daughter everything and be honest with her all her life, just like I always have been. My daughter and I are very, very close and it wouldn't matter what you do, nobody can prevent someone from getting an eating disorder. There were none whatsoever except me in my family. It can be anybody, but my child will have the benefit of knowing all the consequences it has had for me and I think that's not a bad thing. She will be much more wary and I hope it is a protective factor for her as it has been for others. All the best from me to you too. But please don't make comments like this if you don't know my content.

[@chelsea911]

​@@ababy6074 People just don't understand. ❤

[@eslikeS]

Recently i suffer from loss of appetite and everything tastes disgusting but i hate hunger so i eat despite of that. I also have bad body image. I hope you find strenght to feed yourself sufficiently. I know it’s hard but you deserve to be safe and healthy.

[@ababy6074]

You also deserve the best, and that includes food. I hope you can find your appetite and enjoy it again. Much love xoxoxo

[@jessielowery2079]

I'm 41 and struggling. I can so relate ❤

[@ababy6074]

Same age as me? Are you in Australia?

[@jessielowery2079]

I'm in the States , I've had anorexia since I was 14. Trama really started it. My dad relapsed back to alcoholism...I just couldn't handle it.

[@ababy6074]

@jessielowery2079 sorry to hear about your dad. It's incredibly hard. My brother was alcoholic as well. Reach out if you want to be in touch. Is recovery something you see for yourself?

[@jessielowery2079]

@@ababy6074 I've tried recovery but I felt like they forced me to eat and gain weight. The weight gain was torture. I felt like I was in someone's else's body. The weight gain made me feel like a failure. I have a psychiatrist for my bipolar disorder and agoraphobia, we came to the conclusion to not to talk about my anorexia. Do you have anxiety issues? I struggle with that too..thank you for replying....I feel alone alot♥️

[@ababy6074]

@jessielowery2079 I've got GAD, yes. I also absolutely couldn't handle weight gain and I don't have a psychiatrist any longer, well not for years actually. I was totally put off by them.

[@genevad]

Thank you for sharing your story. What do you think would have been helpful for you in treatment?

[@ababy6074]

No trauma would be the first thing, and I know the first psychiatrist I was landed with was terrible and I often think if he had been good, it might have changed my mindset around recovery and I wouldn't have been so trapped. Additionally, being forced to gain a lot of weight in short periods of time was also very, very stressful.

[@bearclaire]

Are you afraid your daughter will also develop an eating disorder, or copy bad behaviours around food from seeing what yiu do etc? Hope you manage to get out if it , i know the struggle

[@ababy6074]

I do worry about it sometimes and I'm not saying it will never happen, but I am exceedingly truthful with her and I have thought of how I can discourage this in her. But the truth is I have learned is that it doesn't matter much your background, anyone can get an ED. I know how I would explain it to her and just hope I won't have to. This is MY problem, not hers and I will make sure she understands that it is certainly not something I ever want her to experience. Buy yes, I have been preparing myself for any future food issues that may come and though and been thinking of ways to battle through them. I am aware. However, there is also a great possibility that she won't. My childhood had its challenges and she hasn't had any traumas and in hers so I hope this keeps her safer than mine was. But it can happen to anyone. There was no EDs in my family or friends as I grew up but I still got one. She is also not my genetics so it's less likely that way too. There are no guarantees but I have been trying to find the tools to handle it if this happens and I can certainly help her move through it rather than becoming chronic like I am. I wish I knew the future sometimes but it's not like I am aware of the possibility of this and all I can do right now is do my best to ensure she is happy, healthy, and has a good attitude towards food.

[@bearclaire]

@@ababy6074 yes that's true it can happen to anyone. And I guess one thing is that if it would happen you are expierneced in this area where as a lot of other people really have no idea of the struggles and twisted mind loops that go on in the Ed brain. And of course eds aren't one size fits all and they can be different for everyone, you'd still have more understanding and maybe be able to help more to untangle certain things. But hopefully she and you won't ever have to figure out how to navigate that scenario. I myself half also been struggling for many years, but have no children, and therefore was curious how you go about this. I know I would worry my child would delevop one too or if not full blown pick up bad habits and mindset around food etc. I'd also worry what effect it would have mentally on my child to see me the way I am, the way I struggle, and the worry that something will happen to me and to loose me to this illness and such. I know a parent can get sick with anything, I also had a parent with health issues (heart condition which meant he shouldn't of been alove, double stroke that almost killed him, blood poisoning that almost killed him, pneumonia that almost killed him etc. So not related to this stuff, but it was a worry and a fear will I loose him, when how etc. His health went up and down over the years and with different things but it was always known he was actually not supposed to be alive anymore (heart condition) so there was always that fear of what's to come.. Times we almost lost him and told to say goodbye etc. And then times where things were stable and seemed OK but the just a few days after my 18 birthday I found him.. Lifeless after just having suffered a major heart attack, I shouted for my brother and we tried to resuscitate him but had no success. I will never get the image out my head:( sorry went of a on a tangent. I just obviously would not want your child to have to have these worries and definitely do not want her to loose you to this illness! You deserve to be healthy for you and for you loved ones 💕

[@bearclaire]

@@ababy6074 hm strange it seems my first reply has not been posted... Arghhhh so the second reply doesn't make much sense anymore lol. I'm sorry. It was a long reply so I can't even remember exactly to rewrite it. Stupid KZbin 😮‍💨

[@ababy6074]

@@bearclaire no worries. Xxx

[@emmas1082]

People are going to try to bully you if you’re too thin, too fat, too pretty, too happy, etc. Everyone is bullied to a certain extent and the key is to stop allowing it to control you and bother you. When you project the feeling that you don’t care what they say, they won’t try to get at you. Don’t react. Getting there is the hard part-it takes work. Research it. Eventually you will start eating again and enjoying it. Find something else to obsess about, maybe create art, get a hobby. Keep your mind constantly busy so you won’t be inclined to think about food. Get rid of your scale and mirrors until you recover. Obsess about getting better-it takes the same discipline. You can do it.

[@ababy6074]

Excuse me? I already have hobbies, interests, things that I've always discussed in my videos! I have a daughter, who I wouldn't even have if I'd never had this ED! Yes I found the particular comment offensive, especially since it was entirely ridiculous considering what I've shared over the past few years. And research what exactly? And I do eat, and I already enjoy it, always have done. I believe this was in a recent video too, which now I come to think of it, I don't think you have ever gotten to know my channel since these things you say are entirely irrelevant. Especially seeing you say, create art, when that is something I have ALWAYS shared here! My mind is NOT absorbed with food, I rarely give food a thought. I don't have a scale, I only see my face in the mirror, I don't look at my body. I am not going to recover, I don't want any further weight gain, for me weight gain was too traumatising every single time I've done it since 1996. Please don’t comment like you have if you are only going to demonstrate how little you know about me and my life. I don't know where you got these ideas but they are quite strange to me.

[@emmas1082]

@@ababy6074 Wow!!! I was trying to be supportive. You are really defensive. You hardly give food a second thought? and you just look at your face? You look very old because of your disorder, doesn’t that bother you? Why do you even have a channel if you’re closed to learning and already know it all? Don’t put your business out there if you don’t want people to comment on it. There is no way I believe that you like to eat. You are speaking slowly and slurring your words at times. To be honest, I could not sit through your video it was so boring and even contemplated turning the speed up on it because of how long it would take for you to get your thoughts out. Your eating disorder is causing you a lot of brain lag and confusion due to a lack of nutrients and energy. I’m new to this channel. How on earth would you expect me to know anything about you when I am for some reason suggested your video most recent video? Maybe have KZbin suggest only your first video to newcomers, that way they can work their way through all your BS. What is the purpose of your channel? To try to convince people to see your distorted view of yourself? I don’t think anyone would care about your weight if it wasn’t for the fact that anorexia can kill you. You look horrible. There is no way you are as thin as you are and not obsessing about everything that goes into your mouth. I hope that you open up your mind and start to see what is so obvious to everyone else. But most of all I pray that you are alive to be there for your child. There is no way that I believe that your eating disorder somehow helped you have a child-that is laughable. Maybe instead of hobbies I should have told you that you need to eat enough food for brain energy-to go to college. I’m not sure what your story is but like me most people probably had your videos suggested to them and were intrigued at the shocking way that you look. No one cares about what you’re saying because you cannot even control your disorder. Once you’ve conquered it, maybe have a channel to tell people how you overcame it. Until then, you need to be aware of the negative influence you can have on vulnerable people who might actually think that you have something to offer in the way of weight loss, when in fact you might cause people to engage in unhealthy behaviors just like you do. The only person you’re fooling is yourself.

[@maggierybacki3191]

I would think that you would want to recover for your daughter's sake

[@ababy6074]

Why don't you read my replies earlier and then you will see what I say in response to such comments. Good bye.