Social anxiety: How to rewire your confidence and be a better communicator | Andrew Horn | Big Think

Social anxiety: How to rewire your confidence and be a better communicator
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60% of us are shy or socially anxious. But one mental exercise can change that statistic, says Andrew Horn.
Learn the metamorphic two-step: It's a hypnosis mental technique that can help you name and tame your social anxiety.
Awareness of your conversation dynamics can stop small talk from reaching an awkward dead end. Don't switch topics when the flow stalls; instead, go deeper and learn to "turn" a conversation, rather than just "take".
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ANDREW HORN:
Andrew Horn is a serial social entrepreneur, speaker, and writer based in Brooklyn, NY. He is a Global Shaper at the World Economic Forum, was selected for StartupBoost's 33 Under 33 list for 2017. He is the co-founder and CEO of Tribute.co.
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TRANSCRIPT:
For more info on this video, including the full transcript, check out bigthink.com/how-to-overcome-...
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[@PhiTheProducer]

I think the biggest obstacle is to not compare ourselves with other people (we will always find someone to fail against), but competing against our self for improvement.

[@compassionatecurmudgeon7025]

I share that problem, also I got diagnosed with clinical depression when I was young. Sci-show tells me the two may actually be related (kzbin.info/www/bejne/on2veKqOe81oq9k). Though to put a finer point on it, the depression version is less competing with yourself for self improvement, and more seeing any mistake as an indication that something is *wrong* and an opportunity for guilt. More of a negative feedback loop than a positive one but they push in the same direction.

[@poetrealoisio9942]

You're not alone. We've all heard "Money is the root of all evil". But the truth is, as I've found it to be, is that "Comparison is the root of all evil". With our own psyche, self esteem, and sense of worth usually stems from comparing ourselves to.....(which also supports my theory that social media is the culprit of societal decline)

[@VeganSemihCyprus33]

That's just one reason why we should learn about the Venus Project and support Resource Based Economy! For healthy upbringing and compassion culture! We are brought up under constant competition and stress, separated from parents because they had to work and they were stressed because of this system, then we are forced to be slaves to corporations for the monetary profit of banskters and billionaires. Dr Gabor Mate has god points about childhood trauma and personality. And no wonder why we have social anxiety, we are being raised in an asocial system, in a materialist, individualistic, unsustainable system. This shit's gotta go.

[@PhiTheProducer]

semih oguzcan I don’t disagree.

[@AndrewHorn]

Love this thought and agree...I actually bring this up towards the end of the video and mention the Teddy Roosevelt quote "comparison is the thief of joy." When we release ourselves from external validation and focus on internal motivation, we open ourselves up for true confidence and meaningful connection.

[@wmarclocher]

Wow! How many times I have, without realizing it, taken over someone's story to tell my own experience with it? Embarrassing, yet conscious raising experience.

[@KyaniGothenburg]

wmarclocher You on LSD dude?

[@PopsiclesInMyCellar]

0:00 - 1:15 Take = responding with a statement Turn = responding with a question Respond with more questions than statements to have an engaging conversation. I've never seen someone add so much fluff to such a simple statement than this guy.

[@roseblack6342]

bump

[@siobhan5191]

This is the first Big Think video in a while that has been helpful and also about what the title says! Keep it up!

[@jinssiya3245]

wow i think i just teared up a little. that was a really inspirational speech for the 60% people of the world. thank you

[@workingguy6666]

My word ... this is of the highest quality uploads of all Big Think videos I've ever seen. Very nice presentation and topic. I'm going to save the video link for others. High school teachers should show their classes this.

[@AndrewHorn]

Thank you! I love working with highschool and college students. A big part of why I do this is because I wish I had these tools back then.

[@raminaghajanzadeh8998]

Thank you so much for all insights you've given me.

[@charlottedabb1269]

Thank you so much!! The metamorphic two-step is literally exactly what I’ve been needing/seeking for so long! So helpful and life-changing :’)

[@roseblack6342]

*dabs triumphantly

[@AndrewHorn]

correct

[@raftingorange6085]

@@roseblack6342 love your comment :D

[@livingbeings]

excellent practical advice

[@QuantumLocksmith]

such a wonderful speech

[@haideramin7739]

Bigthink does upload good stuff! Thats why i am subscribed👍👍

[@whatthefunction9140]

The video made me anxious

[@amberrizwan1745]

An enormous impact comes from recognizing that you are ultimately only in competition with yourself. It's life changing, liberating, and sadness-saving.

[@MrVonzine]

Samus Harrison?

[@MauricioMaisterrena]

Good tips

[@isis9210]

That was awesome

[@AndrewHorn]

Thanks for all the thoughtful comments. NOTE TO SELF... don't go surfing for three hours without sunscreen the day before your shoot or you'll look orange on screen.

[@Iammatthewsanchez]

I love this channel especially everything they cover this channel has inspired me AND IT IS exactly the kind of content that I talk about on KZbin channel

[@KK6GXG]

Nothing to do with anxiety. This is about Social Engagement.

[@Joelyototw]

Jonathan Wanzer anxiety inhibits social engagement

[@VeganSemihCyprus33]

That's just one reason why we should learn about the Venus Project and support Resource Based Economy! For healthy upbringing and compassion culture! We are brought up under constant competition and stress, separated from parents because they had to work and they were stressed because of this system, then we are forced to be slaves to corporations for the monetary profit of banskters and billionaires. Dr Gabor Mate has god points about childhood trauma and personality. And no wonder why we have social anxiety, we are being raised in an asocial system, in a materialist, individualistic, unsustainable system. This shit's gotta go.

[@AndrewHorn]

I feel that the two are linked. What would you have liked to hear/see more of?

[@gustavomedrano3628]

I only feel anxiety when engaging in social activity...

[@MikeClohset]

Remember the WHOLE truth and nothing but the truth, don't interrupt and whether you agree (or disagree) THANK them.

[@Hnw761]

Get rid of social anxiety and become a better corporate worker.

[@tomasandrew9354]

DC 😆Woohoo!! The destiny of the human race: Becoming corporate workers!

[@VeganSemihCyprus33]

That's just one reason why we should learn about the Venus Project and support Resource Based Economy! For healthy upbringing and compassion culture! We are brought up under constant competition and stress, separated from parents because they had to work and they were stressed because of this system, then we are forced to be slaves to corporations for the monetary profit of banskters and billionaires. Dr Gabor Mate has god points about childhood trauma and personality. And no wonder why we have social anxiety, we are being raised in an asocial system, in a materialist, individualistic, unsustainable system. This shit's gotta go.

[@mrbeekers6747]

semih oguzcan I’m glad people like you exist. I still have faith in humanity.

[@havenotchosenyet]

@mak1239 non-anxious people also tend to be very honest. but the difference is in the tact

[@soundknight]

This is amazing but I would like a sport more depth based version

[@pantera1420]

I love this video right now!! This has helped so much

[@johnbuckner2828]

The fear of being kicked out of the tribe is still in our unconscious mind. It's as powerful is putting your feet down on to the floor when you know there's a monster under the bed... because of snakes.

[@claudiaalmeida3655]

This was really helpful. Thank you.

[@Khadangasantos]

Comparison is the thief of joy...

[@GrizzlyThatHawk]

What is staying present in a conversation exactly? Am I not supposed to refer to previous experiences or future predictions in a conversation then?

[@AndrewHorn]

Staying present means that you are paying attention to what is actually happening in the here and now. If someone is speaking, you are listening without your attention wandering elsewhere. If you are speaking, you are aharing authentically (doesn;t matter if that is something from the past or future)

[@GrizzlyThatHawk]

@@AndrewHorn thank you for the reply Andrew!

[@sophiewilliams6908]

TEODORE!

[@annam8243]

What if that person just doesn’t stop talking bc they think you want to hear every detail ?

[@dhaval1489]

That mice in thumbnail is supper cute and bubly.

[@hustleanddiamonds6045]

This is great!! I’ve started to put out a few videos on my SA journey and it’s been liberating! Feel free to check them out and see if you can relate.

[@chrisbutcher369]

I'm not sure that what i experience as social anxiety and what this guy perceives as social anxiety are the same thing.

[@VeganSemihCyprus33]

That's just one reason why we should learn about the Venus Project and support Resource Based Economy! For healthy upbringing and compassion culture! We are brought up under constant competition and stress, separated from parents because they had to work and they were stressed because of this system, then we are forced to be slaves to corporations for the monetary profit of banskters and billionaires. Dr Gabor Mate has god points about childhood trauma and personality. And no wonder why we have social anxiety, we are being raised in an asocial system, in a materialist, individualistic, unsustainable system. This shit's gotta go.

[@dasanji90]

You are so confident, you can't even say my name out loud 😂

[@tomrayan7740]

3rd

[@thechivalrouspaladin]

"Comparison is the thief of joy". That's why I got rid of Instagram.

[@user-ne8iq5eu8v]

В общем нечего нормально но при такой скорости можно загриметь🤔👌

[@Inconsecuente]

Antidepressants is my solution, this doesn't sound like real social anxiety

[@abnerlouischarles]

What's a cillilaqui

[@umiluv]

InnerPower - I hope this statement is satirical.

[@noahmcgaffey797]

In case you actually don't know a soliloquy is a drama device where one charector alone on stage makes a speech to the audience about his or her feelings

[@iboremytherapist]

What triggers it for me is an interruption, that breaks the conversation and my train of thought.

[@alejandroserrano7755]

I feel this. Like when you think everything is going a certain way them someone says something and you realize that everything wasn't going like you thought.

[@kingreaper212]

Such generic advice. What he said pretty much is: ask open-ended questions, practice visualization and try to be more self-aware? Why do you need to go on tangents about hypnosis? It just confuses people more than it helps....smh

[@_eddiecole]

That tan though...

[@Hnw761]

In our sick society being social anxious is our bodies way of telling us that we are surrounded by people who don’t really care about us. We need to listen to this anxiety and surround ourselves with people who are the opposite of this guy in the video.

[@shikkaba]

What's wrong with the guy in the video?

[@FriedEggSarnie]

No. Social anxiety has many causes. It can be a symptom of years of depression, a symptom of agoraphobia, schizophrenia, abuse, autism, PTSD, etc. Social anxiety is an incorrect response to none threatening situations. It's not the fault of others (not directly at least). The guy in the video gave sounds advise. What you're describing is something completely different. Social anxiety can happen whether you're in a room full of supportive loving people, or bullies. It doesn't care.

[@Hnw761]

Angela Kate Webster you have a point and thank you- I just don’t like them making a blanket judgment pathologizing everything to make us better conformist to a sick society.

[@soonny002]

Gosh, why so many comments from DC? Sounds very obnoxious to me. Constantly accusing others instead of examining him/herself.

[@AndrewHorn]

Great response Angela. Thanks for the kind words.

[@GaMeRBOy-xd3lw]

Second

[@importantname]

learn and train how to be natural. Then you can act like you care.

[@pudgeallday1265]

great advice not great for REAL social anxiety. this is for people who get nervous NOT people who have social anxiety. if you think this solves social anxiety you most certainly dont have it.

[@Vicioussama]

are you saying you're lying to turn the conversation? Like, what if you haven't ever been there. Would you just ask "oh, what was your favorite part of the beach?" Just ask more about it eh?

[@Vicioussama]

Ya I can understand that point. I'm just still pretty bad at even talking to people/starting conversation. Not always sure how to even engage at times.

[@AndrewHorn]

Just imagine I took out the part where I say " I was in Thailand myself" - If I just asked her, what was your favorite part of the island...I still would have turned the conversation back and gone deeper.

[@ropro9817]

This may all be true, but tbh, most of the time I really don't care to carry on conversations with uninteresting people. 😂

[@Warzonerusher]

how do u know how cavemen felt back then ??

[@dakotak51]

his tan makes me anxious...

[@Hnw761]

Maybe those with social anxiety are better people and getting people to reduce social anxiety is part of a larger attempt to encourage degeneracy.

[@eligio7907]

U ok

[@drzoidberg7767]

Or maybe you need to grow up and stop sounding like such a snob in all your comments. Like you are somehow better than all these undesirables you don’t want to associate with. Think about that. You sound like someone who is quick to pronounce judgements upon strangers based on the biases of your experiences. Not everyone you meet is the same and it’s very narrow minded and conceded to think that adopting a xenophobic mindset is a virtue. Life is about taking chances and trying new things. You just sound like someone who is too afraid or just too stubborn to admit that it’s easier to sit in judgement of strangers than to make the effort to expand your horizons

[@Hnw761]

Dr Zoidberg I think it’s a product largely of growing up in NY where every extrovert is either trying to sell real estate or financial advice, maybe I am just sick of traffic and subways - I am pretty sure I would have a different opinion if I wasn’t from NY. At this point I am tired of “expanding my horizons” and having to pretend I enjoy talking to people I don’t like at events I have to attend.

[@JaBarge303]

Seriously dude? Listen to yourself

[@fianjames6622]

Good talk, bad title

[@Hnw761]

Social anxiety is the bodies way of telling us we shouldn’t be around certain people.

[@noahmcgaffey797]

Sources?

[@Hnw761]

Noah McGaffey Look up “citation needed” memes. But seriously, some people are just introverts and we should accept people with social anxiety and not pathologies it. Diseases such as adrenal fatigue and Lyme cause anxiety, especially in groups and mental affirmations will not solve this. Additionally, unless you are a sociopath you will not feel comfortable in all group situations. For example when I thought about doing finance being in groups of bankers filled me with anxiety, while now I work with organic foods and because I love it I can be in a convention center filled with people and love being around like minded people. If you are a Clinton supporter and you are with Trump supports are you going to be comfortable or if you think we need border control and are in a room with Mexicans saying you are a racist are you not going to have anxiety. This goes for parties or gatherings also. In summary I really hate how being an introvert is being pathologized and we are being told to ignore our feelings and be true to them. That being said if you have a mental illness or were abused the nonsense in this video won’t help you. Let me know what you think- thanks.

[@noahmcgaffey797]

@@Hnw761 I think sociopath is a bit far (and there are likely other things that can cause that lack of ant and all discomfort), but I "enjoy" that kind of discomfort because I wish strongly to constantly improve and polite disagreement is among the best ways to philosophically improve, Although that discomfort is there. I may have misread your comment or you have to mine, but I thought you were arguing that extraversion was the base state and that introversion was caused by social anxiety disorder or something similar I do agree that beong an introvert has weird stigma, but simply not wanting to hang out is different than being mortified at the thought of public interaction or constant "what if?"s eating away your ability to speak Edit: we may be using social anxiety for different things, I'm refering to the disorder you seem to be talking about the feeling one is incapaccitating and the other is usually managable but stressful

[@Hnw761]

David Cat thanks for your response. Just using my experience I get the pounding heart beat and other symptoms of anxiety when I am in places I hate to be in such as the examples with bankers I gave in previous comment. Instead of just getting over it or trying to expand my horizons or do mental affirmations or think about daily improvements I left a situation I was uncomfortable with and found something that didn’t make me break out into cold sweats. I agree my original comment wasn’t too thoughtful, after all I was on a crowded subway and in a bad mood, but do have issues with the happiness industry ( look up Bright-Sided by Barbara Ehrenreich) and I have a real issue with people like this guy and basically everyone in NY to not consider their emotions as indications of how they should act. It’s like this pathological pursuit to make everyone “well adjusted” at the expense of listening to their anxiety as an indication f something being wrong. Anyway this is way to much typing to be done an a phone.

[@willfrank961]

DC I think you'll find that being around people you don't know more often will make you more comfortable in new social situations in general. Us humans are highly adaptable and the threshold of discomfort isn't permanent.

[@davidg.4943]

I'd rather just play video games.

[@EuDouArteHipHopArtCulture21]

ridiculous .

[@hydrangeadragon]

this is so neurotypical omg

[@funkymunky]

Blah, blah, blah.

[@Dr.Jekyll_]

This guy is saying super obvious shit and making it sound like his the only one that knows them. 😑 I have social anxiety and this doesn't help at all

[@AndrewHorn]

What have you found helpful for alleviating some of your symptoms? Genuinely curious.

[@Dr.Jekyll_]

what helps me the most is just the realization that most people just don't care. We have this internal critic that makes us think we are the center of the universe and that everyone is constantly judging you and looking at you but the reality is nobody thinks about you nearly as much as you think, most people are thinking about themselves. The thoughts are still there but that just helps to realize that they are not real. No one is expending more than 30 seconds thinking about you, especially some stranger that just meet you.