Sound sensitivity, PTSD, mutism, grief, art, social anxiety, nature.

My name is Xanthe.
I recorded this video to show how much I have improved with self-care (avoiding people, rest, walk in nature, taking photos) since the video where I was acutely stressed. I still have permanent impairment and reduced capacity compared to most people.
I managed to get ready for work by midday. I work just a few hours per day in a low-demand, low-paid job. I recorded this just before I headed out to work.
I didn't intend to add to this channel but recently I had a bit of a vent, as irritable and frustrated. I actually mixed some nice colour swatches afterwards, so it much have done me some good.
I have no intention to resume advocacy (as I find the advocacy world toxic). I need to try conserve what energy and functioning I have, and advocacy was too draining.
Some people were interested in the sound sensitivity in my last video. A doctor called it 'hyperacusis' in my medical records. I have heightened senses but when it pushes into pain and distress territory, it's very hard to think, speak etc. I can't 'mask' this.
It's exaggerated by my diagnoses, especially PTSD, anxiety and migraines.
Mind going 'blank' in this video was mild-moderate dissociation. When the dissociation is severe, it's very obvious outwardly.
A psychiatrist said I am on the autism spectrum but subclinical to an autism spectrum (ASD) disorder diagnosis (despite scoring high on tests). He said I fit an older diagnosis called pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS), which is clincially significant autism spectrum features. Either way, I am mildly affected by it these days. More obviously in childhood (opposite to this new wave of advocates online who irritate me).
I have more impairment from the other diagnoses (primary diagnoses PTSD and bipolar 1 disorder).
One of the reasons I don't call myself 'autistic' anymore is a protest against this watered down version of autism, claiming 'high-masking' as the reason for 'invisible' issues.
I wrote more detail about the autism spectrum stuff plus about the ups and downs of an intense online connection (an autistic guy with depression), in a memoir. I forgot to name the book, 'Bipolar Courage: Are You Sure You're Not Autistic?' (The subtitle is what this guy asked me). It actually has some childhood features of both myself and my son. I keep him anonymous for his privacy.
Link to my self-published books (inspired by my experiences): www.soarpurpose...
Link to my art. Recently going from hobby to semi-professional.
www.soarpurpos...
I was processing some grief in this video. I mentioned a video which I put up on my channel ‪@soarpurpose‬
I find speaking to be very exhausting and I was situationally mute as a child (and sometimes as an adult). I didn't speak at all outside the home, even into starting school.
I prioritise self-care, especially walks in nature and also with colour (even if it's just a low key creative project). My self-care involves avoiding social interactions as much as possible when I am not up to it.
I mentioned a video of the Huka Falls. I made a short clip with a scene of the Huka Falls when I was a young child, over 50 years ago, from Dad's vintage home movies. Compared with some clips I recorded yesterday. I find the sound of the rushing water soothing and it drowns out most people's annoying voices.
Huka Falls video clip: • Huka Falls 50 years ag...
My websites (both have blogs which I update occasionally):
soarpurpose.com
soarpurpose.nz
I mentioned ziplining, which I did in memory of Dad. Clip of video footage: • Two zipline rides in a...