Playing Big: Find Your Voice, Your Mission, Your Message | Tara Mohr | Talks at Google

Tara Mohr, women’s leadership expert, speaker, author and educator stops by Google to share how women can make big changes in their own lives, their careers and the world at large with her wise, simple, and proven Playing Big strategies.
Get the book here: goo.gl/UrsJD9

[@laurabaura]

Love this. I read Tara's book, and this is a nice refresher for days when I'm not feeling my best.

[@suchitajain8976]

I can so relate to the point of doing a new course & upgrading my skill sets.

[@radheshyamdevotion7132]

Summary of the talk: Why we need to identify our inner critic as a voice: In order to connect to our other instincts and distinguish and limit the critic. If you criticise others you criticise yourself. Reduce faultfinding and limiting beliefs and also depending on praise and feedback. How to identify your inner critic: Harsh, rude, mean, not as we would talk to someone we love. Is black or white/binary. Seems to be on our side/interest. Says: “You aren’t ready yet” and body-perfection/ performance perfection. Broken record voice. Irrational but persistent. The one-two punch. May take cues from outer critics like a teacher. This was a table: Inner critic, tone, the way, anxious versus: Realistic Thinking Definite pronouncements Curious questions Black and white Able to see grey Yes/no questions (“Is it possible?”) Open ended questions (“How might it be possible?”) Repetitive, chattery, loops Forward-moving. I am not sure if I am ready. How can I find out if I am ready? Who can I talk to? Test it. is there a low risk way to do it. What would be the worst thing that could happen? Focuses on problems Seeks solutions. Generative, on my side. Moves forward. Anxious tone, fearful Calmer tone Women feel more self-doubt around work of masculine strengths: quantitative work, financial decisions, negotiations and leadership. Men feel more self-doubt around emotional and relational skills like listening, reading non-verbal cues and communication. Societal conditioning. Self-doubt does not come from experiences but it is natural wiring as a safety instinct at any cost and stay in comfort zone. Reptilian brain for survival and go into fight or flight. Fires under physical and emotional threat like embarrassment, cause conflict, criticism, fear of failure. If the safety instinct stays no, lets stay safe over here. You might say “no, I have a longing to experience something bigger, make this change” and you would quickly overrule your safety instinct. Safety instinct manipulates: you have no idea what you are talking about, let’s investigate it another few months/years, who do you think you are? You are not ready to say that yet. Intimidation to stay in the comfort zone. Inner critic is a strategy of the safety mechanism to avoid risk or vulnerability and discomfort. Risk aversion department does not talk to the fulfilment and rewards department and we miss out a lot if we listen to safety instinct. We are hardwired for self-doubt and self-criticise. We do not become confident because leaders do not feel confident. Twyler Tharp most famous choreographer, Tony awards, every time she starts a dance she thinks the audience will walk out and laugh that her talent ran out. Do it anyway. Tools for quieting the critic: 1. Noticing and naming. 2. Create a character and imagine that character leave the room. 3. Compassionately see the critic’s motives. 4. Removing the critic from the scene. Ask: what does my safety instinct not like about this situation? That I may get hard feedback on this, may get rejected. Do not wait to become confident, just have a new relationship with self-doubt. Let it be but do not let it limit me. It is not my core, fear, but the part that wants to fulfil. Unhooking from praise and criticism. Time is never the real issue. She has always been a star, excelled conventionally and the new approach would be controversial, can I live with the feedback and the polarised reactions and that kept her stuck. Management: at this level there is a lot of criticism, on an emotional rollercoaster which keeps me from liking my job although she liked the core of her job. Seeking/avoiding praise and avoiding criticism can block you. Women get more harsh and personal criticism at work. 73% of criticism of women is for their personality which is more wounding and is a pattern/ bias which needs awareness. E.g. stop criticising women for being abrasive. For men 2% was personality and mostly work related. The noisy room: with cues and dynamics of resistance, grumpy mood, winning over which blocked pushing forward and seeing the main event without having to resolve dynamics. Gender differences of information amount of reading body-language cues. Benefit and downside of high emotional intelligence is that it interferes with productivity and moral. Be discerning when it is helpful or not. Women's history: for most of history, women could not survive nor help their dearest ones through financial, physical, political power. Social influence and likeability through relationships was the primary survival and thriving strategy. And conflict and criticism can feel life threatening. Feedback is information about the sharer. Change your story about feedback: Feedback never tells you anything about yourself, only about the other person. Manager: you are great with project management but there is something missing in team interaction and motivating people. What does it tell you about you, what you are missing/good at? The only fact is his perception. If the whole team says “We are not motivated by you”. Does that give you facts about you or about the group’s experience of you, what comes across to them? Do not dismiss the feedback, oh, that gives me information about these individuals and if these are important stakeholders to me then I will really listen to what they need, their feedback, what it tells me about them, what they expect of someone in this role, what works for them and what does not and I will work and incorporate some of their feedback. You do not need to be defensive or complain to others about it. It doesn’t matter if it is true, you only learn about the person, adapt from this is what it takes to be effective here, not from the perspective that there is something defective about me. Because feedback is often biassed by colour or gender. What is my playing big edge? what feels scary and important to me now? Double bind of a woman who can only be competent or likeable is stronger with female managers. Self-policing of the expression of women, like walking on eggshells, would not allow a direct-report to be more outspoken. First create for yourself, what you would like to see in others, to allow others and support them.

[@Boffoboffo]

thank you so much for this - very helpful, thank you!

[@soniadubey4773]

I loved your mature talks ☺️

[@dunkawimba]

Is there a transcription of this talk?

[@radheshyamdevotion7132]

Why we need to identify our inner critic as a voice: In order to connect to our other instincts and distinguish and limit the critic. If you criticise others you criticise yourself. Reduce faultfinding and limiting beliefs and also depending on praise and feedback. How to identify your inner critic: Harsh, rude, mean, not as we would talk to someone we love. Is black or white/binary. Seems to be on our side/interest. Says: “You aren’t ready yet” and body-perfection/ performance perfection. Broken record voice. Irrational but persistent. The one-two punch. May take cues from outer critics like a teacher. Inner critic, tone, the way, anxious Realistic Thinking Definite pronouncements Curious questions Black and white Able to see grey Yes/no questions (“Is it possible?”) Open ended questions (“How might it be possible?”) Repetitive, chattery, loops Forward-moving. I am not sure if I am ready. How can I find out if I am ready? Who can I talk to? Test it. is there a low risk way to do it. What would be the worst thing that could happen? Focuses on problems Seeks solutions. Generative, on my side. Moves forward. Anxious tone, fearful Calmer tone Women feel more self-doubt around work of masculine strengths: quantitative work, financial decisions, negotiations and leadership. Men feel more self-doubt around emotional and relational skills like listening, reading non-verbal cues and communication. Societal conditioning. Self-doubt does not come from experiences but it is natural wiring as a safety instinct at any cost and stay in comfort zone. Reptilian brain for survival and go into fight or flight. Fires under physical and emotional threat like embarrassment, cause conflict, criticism, fear of failure. If the safety instinct stays no, lets stay safe over here. You might say “no, I have a longing to experience something bigger, make this change” and you would quickly overrule your safety instinct. Safety instinct manipulates: you have no idea what you are talking about, let’s investigate it another few months/years, who do you think you are? You are not ready to say that yet. Intimidation to stay in the comfort zone. Inner critic is a strategy of the safety mechanism to avoid risk or vulnerability and discomfort. Risk aversion department does not talk to the fulfilment and rewards department and we miss out a lot if we listen to safety instinct. We are hardwired for self-doubt and self-criticise. We do not become confident because leaders do not feel confident. Twyler Tharp most famous choreographer, Tony awards, every time she starts a dance she thinks the audience will walk out and laugh that her talent ran out. Do it anyway. Tools for quieting the critic: 1. Noticing and naming. 2. Create a character and imagine that character leave the room. 3. Compassionately see the critic’s motives. 4. Removing the critic from the scene. Ask: what does my safety instinct not like about this situation? That I may get hard feedback on this, may get rejected. Do not wait to become confident, just have a new relationship with self-doubt. Let it be but do not let it limit me. It is not my core, fear, but the part that wants to fulfil. Unhooking from praise and criticism. Time is never the real issue. She has always been a star, excelled conventionally and the new approach would be controversial, can I live with the feedback and the polarised reactions and that kept her stuck. Management: at this level there is a lot of criticism, on an emotional rollercoaster which keeps me from liking my job although she liked the core of her job. Seeking/avoiding praise and avoiding criticism can block you. Women get more harsh and personal criticism at work. 73% of criticism of women is for their personality which is more wounding and is a pattern/ bias which needs awareness. E.g. stop criticising women for being abrasive. For men 2% was personality and mostly work related. The noisy room: with cues and dynamics of resistance, grumpy mood, winning over which blocked pushing forward and seeing the main event without having to resolve dynamics. Gender differences of information amount of reading body-language cues. Benefit and downside of high emotional intelligence is that it interferes with productivity and moral. Be discerning when it is helpful or not. Women's history: for most of history, women could not survive nor help their dearest ones through financial, physical, political power. Social influence and likeability through relationships was the primary survival and thriving strategy. And conflict and criticism can feel life threatening. Feedback is information about the sharer. Change your story about feedback: Feedback never tells you anything about yourself, only about the other person. Manager: you are great with project management but there is something missing in team interaction and motivating people. What does it tell you about you, what you are missing/good at? The only fact is his perception. If the whole team says “We are not motivated by you”. Does that give you facts about you or about the group’s experience of you, what comes across to them? Do not dismiss the feedback, oh, that gives me information about these individuals and if these are important stakeholders to me then I will really listen to what they need, their feedback, what it tells me about them, what they expect of someone in this role, what works for them and what does not and I will work and incorporate some of their feedback. You do not need to be defensive or complain to others about it. It doesn’t matter if it is true, you only learn about the person, adapt from this is what it takes to be effective here, not from the perspective that there is something defective about me. Because feedback is often biassed by colour or gender. What is my playing big edge? what feels scary and important to me now? Double bind of a woman who can only be competent or likeable is stronger with female managers. Self-policing of the expression of women, like walking on eggshells, would not allow a direct-report to be more outspoken. First create for yourself, what you would like to see in others, to allow others and support them.

[@GASEO927]

abrasive and alarming was my whole review at the age of 25

[@ditsaa]

😮❤️‍🩹

[@MrApplewine]

I'm a man.

[@JillianHJnoCharles]

haha