CRACKING THE CODE: 15 Eye-opening Truths About Toxic Family Disapproval

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Hang tight guys for the very lively chat box! KZbin will make it available to you in 12hrs

[@acol4196]

Having a successful life and flourishing in spite of is a reason for family dislike too.

[@oliviacadena2036]

Good point! 👍

[@kolik94]

I’m a 30 year old female, about to graduate medical school and feel like a waste of life because of how my family failed me in life in so many aspects. I don’t know how to get out of the victim mindset

[@louisaa.4614]

well done you , happened to me too , first one who went to University and my family hated me for it ?! I just told myself that I am not the problem , they are !

[@mvbigmagic4048]

I'm a 52-year-old female physician who is just now realizing how my mother financially abused me, parentifying me, to the point that she inserted herself into all my finances. :( If you feel your family is in any way narcissistic, or even possibly sociopathic (always jealous, never happy if someone else is happy.... always denigrating others' success) be careful and protect yourself. I did not. And as an only child, I was gullible to the guilt-trips and really poor financial decisions that my mother got me involved in. Separate your finances from ALL family. You will thank yourself in old age.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Self compassion. That’s all I can think of. It all stinks.

[@o.j.7619]

@@kolik94 you’re a gem regardless if the “see” you or not! Look at God (or whoever you believe in)- you beat the odds and made it all the way to med school! You’re amazing! I hope that you know that you’re not responsible for how you were treated. I know it may hurt, but find your people and build a new support system of close friends or those who can call “family” and who love and support you!

[@makaylahollywood3677]

Hello- it’s never too late to be the person you’re truly meant to be. Take one day at a time. I went to Al-anon it’s free- and, it helped me feel a part of a non critical family. Try it.:-)

[@mindovermatter8920]

It seems whenever they go through a tough time, we are there for them on every level. They obligate us to that, too. They hold high standards on us for the level of caretaking we should provide to them. On the flip side, whenever we go through a tough time, they treat us like we are a despicable human being. We usually get ostracized from the group simultaneously in the face of adversity.

[@beckymcmanus3367]

@@mindovermatter8920 That made me cry. It's been true for me

[@prettydopeboi]

Oh yea, disrespected to the fullest extent.

[@dnk4559]

Absolutely true!!!

[@tamaraferrell8910]

I'm the black sheep of my family. I actually experienced family disown me without explanation by sister n laws?? I've tried asking why they dislike me but would never respond. Being a person with low self esteem and people pleaser in the family I've always been the one to go out of my way to try and solve problems. Now I've walked away from toxic family members that dislike me and I've become to realize it's not worth my mental health and physical health to be around them. Narcissist abuse I've experienced in my life by my two ex husbands. Such a great subject for me to understand about how my own trauma can affect what I've felt about myself.

[@dnk4559]

Honestly I don’t think they have a valid reason. They just want someone to dump all their baggage onto.

[@pennyponiatowski5676]

I have been disliked since a child .. neighbors and family

[@bridgettetraveler658]

My fam treated me & my children like dirt. I went very little contact over 3 decades ago. I don't believe I'll ever trust them again. I refuse to waste holidays with them. One of my sisters is very ill. My husband & I drove for 2 days to see about her. I didn't really feel welcomed, but I did what I believe The LORD would have me to do. We've sent her money & haven't got any thank u or anything. I guess she's used the money. I'm learning to not bother ungrateful ppl anymore! I feel like my fam pretend to be kind to me now only so they can break me down like they did many yrs ago. They need to realize no one can curse what GOD has Blessed! I'm not sure if anyone has heard a song by Chrisett Michelle. The name is Blame it on me. She said as long as it's over u can blame her. That's the way I feel!!!

[@dnk4559]

According to my therapist, my family will likely get more abusive with time. Ugh. I am trying to come to a full acceptance that my siblings and their children are not my family. I have my husband, my children and my chosen family in the Al-Anon program.

[@mvbigmagic4048]

I went low-contact as well, during graduate and post-graduate school, mostly because no one cared what I was doing. My parents only started hoovering me in the last few years. I realize why now. Turns out they were developing dementia. The house was run-down, and my dad had 3 car accidents in two years but still REFUSED to stop driving at 80 years old. My mother was hoarding to the point my dad couldn't even get his wheelchair through the hallways. And they fought everything I tried to do to help them. I understand that narcissistic parents need help in old age but they will fight you tooth and nail about ever admitting it. True to a narc -- they will blame EVERYTHING on you. Their years of bad decisions, treating other people like dirt.... :( Yeah. It's karma. Towards the end of my dad's life, my mother was stealing things, accusing everyone of things she's done in the past.... it was not pretty. When she started accusing me of trying to control her (ex. projection), and triangulating my dying dad against me, I had enough. I've been no-contact since my dad's death, and my mother as usual never called me about my kids' birthdays. I realize now, it was only my dad who maintained any image of parental care. Six months out from no-contact, she finally calls my husband to ask me to sign some kind of paperwork so she can get money out of a bank account in Philippines. Not.... "How are you? How are they kids? Sorry I forgot to call on your daughter's birthday." Nope. Just wants my signature (and a copy of my passport??????!!) to withdraw money. I thought my mother was a narcissist, but actually she's a psychopath. Never seen her cry in all my 52 years. After my dad died, my father's friend texted me a video of my mother in the funeral home laughing. Not a tear was shed. I can't abide that. Not to mention, she's stolen so much money from me over the years..... even when I was a poor graduate student..... no remorse. Cutting her out of my life has been the only way to save myself financially. She's a time bomb for narcissistic collapse, and I do not want my children in the way of her shrapnel.

[@alexaemartinez9558]

Hi, I have a toxic family and I'm still recovering/healing from it all, by finding my primary inner self and this really helped me thank you.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Wonderful! That's great. It's truly just one step at a time to find peace of mind. And you're welcome!

[@tammydietschweiler7852]

It all makes sense at 63. Thank you!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome :)

[@Andronicus2007]

This channel is such a gold mine. Tamara has a heart of gold- its healing just to hang out here!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you 😊 🤗🙏 So glad you like to be on the channel. Me too!!

[@ShayPridgen]

I have been scapegoated since I was a child. My mother often told me “I hate you!” “That’s why nobody likes you!” “I wish I didn’t have you!” Since I was 3years old. I use to hear her lie to my aunts about me on the phone; “She thought I was sleeping with her husband my stepfather- it wasn’t true. I remember when my cousins husband tried to molest me. I told when my mother and cousin returned, my mother assured my cousin that my dad (stepfather) would not bother her sick husband. I never had any support. I am 58 and I still don’t know who I am or how to build meaningful relationships.

[@galecooper9227]

@ShayPridgen Shay, I feel your pain. One has to wonder why we're single out for such pain. Unfortunately, there's these ABUSIVE people in our world. We're not the only individuals to experience evil from: family members, neighbors, students, and co-workers. It helps, knowing we're not the only ones.😊 ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@TheRetroWoman80]

You have no idea how you are helping me, Tamara. Everytime I connect to your videos, it's like I'm constantly healing the very young version of me while peacefully blooming in my adulthood. Thank you so much.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

❤You're welcome!! I'm so glad you are feeling this way. That's great!

[@lindafinch6252]

Tamara thank you so much for the support you give us with all this wonderful information! You are a huge blessing. 🙏

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome🤗🙏And thank you! That's so kind. Glad this channel is helpful.

[@ShereeNicole-b7x]

God lead me to this channel you break everything down so clearly and it is helping me so much!!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thanks so much!! God bless you 😊

[@danitajminer3279]

Tamara getchya a small dry erase white board and markers for live chat demonstration quick notes. 😊

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

🤣great idea!! thank you. I certainly will!

[@whiteravenfeather]

My five siblings are very successful financially and professionally, whereas I have strugged as a divorced single parent, my father definitely had NPD. I think the socioeconomics divide have a lot to do with all my siblings dislike as they see me as inferior and a failure, I feel like that myself, my working life was in jobs I had no joy for and poorly paid but I did my best, I've paid off my mortgage and got my own modest flat. Im now a pensioner but unable to do what my younger siblings do, holidays, go out for meals regularly etc. When I see my siblings individually they treat me fine, but at gatherings its hell for me, almost demonic. The trouble is if I don't go they make out Im snubbing them and they get even more unfriendly and gang up blaming me for the divide and being an outcast, I dread family gatherings made even more painful when a visiting sister comes and the red carpet comes out for her while they treat me as less than. I get treated like a servant, Im ok to look after their dogs or help them out when they jet off on holidays but not to have a coffee or spend time with me, Im a very caring type but I think they see me as weak because Im less well off

[@GeorgeYoung-j2d]

The one they can't stand is the unspoken language what happens after they leave

[@iDreamOfChini]

Love your content very insightful

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you!! Glad this is helpful. :)

[@robynhope219]

I came from a child hating culture. It is a long and ugly story...suffice to say I had a tragic life. I was not able to love my two sons who hate me and want nothing to do with me. They're now in their 50s, I'm in my 70s. The situation is irreconcilable 😢

[@KamalasNotLikeUs]

Sorry to hear this. Sending healing energy out into the KZbinverse.

[@dnk4559]

I’m so sorry. I pray you find other chosen children to take the place of your sons if their hearts won’t be softened now that you are understanding the pain you may have caused.

[@pennyponiatowski5676]

Thank you for allowing me to join this group

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Absolutely! Glad to have you.

[@cheryl3895]

Hi Tamara, you look so cute tonight. I would love to hear about traumatic experiences or even flashbacks. Thank you for your comprehensive shows and the love you give so freely every live. You are the best ❤️

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

❤🤗😇Thank you!! And you're welcome. It truly is my pleasure. That new topic is coming up soon!

[@fairygurl9269]

💗

[@H-youtube7]

what if you can't take a break because they are in diret contact with your child/ren

[@pamelastrong5638]

Hello 1:28

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Welcome!

[@domingabarboza9897]

#I AM A PSTD RECOVERER😊

[@terakata2428]

T'amara, are there anymore alphabets left to put after your name?😊❤

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

🙈🙉🙊😁

[@PervertHoover2]

My dad "punishes" me all the time and it has _ruined_ my life, I hate him now, and never really did before. I have him blocked. His advice is not helpful and neither is his "help" when he doesn't listen and "helps" the way _he_ wants to help. It's gotten me injured (permanently, like somewhat crippled), and has detrimental effects on my life and left me lonely and very angry (but somehow this is "my" fault). Abusive mom and dad here.

[@tinamarkey5233]

I've had that, from a cousin, we used to go out most weekends, but they got, very hateful, insulting, belittling. & gaslighting. even in front of family and their friends.😢 But they go quite, say absolutely nothing, I didn't react to none of it, We are older women, got this got told by my cousin (projection) That I hate them, but I don't know where they got that from?? I believe they loved me. 😪 now I have to distance myself. Its devastated me so much!! *When I know I done nothing Wrong* They hate for no reason? I Tried to talk to her, but it was not getting resolved. So I simply silently distancing. But its dragged me down a bit.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

That sounds like bullying

[@domuniqueheiser4248]

I’ve notice I developed a bit of both dependency and defensive independence at the same time

[@Smartbeautifulawesome]

That’s scary it effects us neurologically…it’s creepy. Can they just give us money for all those years of abuse/hate

[@PervertHoover2]

all the destroyed opportunities, the decades of loneliness and suffering, the physical and mental cruelty and crushing injuries of being made vulnerable to other monsters but in relationship form? what amount of money would be enough for all that?

[@CarolMcCooke]

Parents brag about our achievements to boast their own ego’s Carol N.I.

[@deborahedwards5004]

Cognitive restruction is a great strategy to overcome this behavior of dislike! Awesome solution!

[@Redeemed1983]

Narcissists try to mess with your sleep because it wears you down, and when you're worn down you're more susceptible to their programming and control. Narcissistic associates who call me on the phone at 3 a.m. to just chat and it's not an emergency get one or two warnings, and then after that I block their phone access and leave them email access only so that I can sleep when I need to. I don't mind being awoken in a TRUE emergency, but "I'm in the hospital and have been for two days now while they run tests," is NOT an emergency whereas "My Dad just died and I'm unable to function," is.

[@sylvanascott1166]

Thanks for touching on this subject, as was mentioned about colour. My maternal grandmother only liked the lighter complexion grand children.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome!

[@jennanikkarinen]

This is such an important topic! My father called me an average intelligent person. My Bachelor was ok but when I did my Masters his voice become my self-fulfilling prophency. I have always performed as average because of his beliefs. I disconnected from my family but now they are coming after me. Wish there would be a way out.

[@Mz-ci8wg]

Relating to the beginning of their dislike, as an adult i got a partial answer from an intervening uncle. They disliked my personality since i was "out of their control". Being tossed to the side while the other side of the family came down to physical assault on an 11yo and rape attempt. I guess my cries for help were taken as a sign of weakness and they couldnt handle it, so they did what they knew - portraying me as a histrionic child craving attention and as such blatantly ignored and left behind. The hate i reserve them is all ive ever known.

[@louisaa.4614]

my sisters have pushed me into the 'out' group , they go on nights out together, holidays together and they look at me sometimes as if to say 'who are you'? 😮

[@dnk4559]

Same with my two sisters. I am rejected and they have bonded over carrying on our father’s scapegoating.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Mine do the same… it’s shocking

[@tmking7483]

I feel this chat has saved me from another trash can _ Big Thanks

[@tallchicknvegas]

Many of us have a negative disposition from our emotional trauma. Keep working on yourselves everybody ❤ Hey Tamara 🙋Introducing us is how you run your channel. The person who commented needed a video that gets right to what the headline says. They're already in a bad space. Complaining made them feel better. I've actually done it before. I didn't comment, but I expected something which isn't in my control. That's on me. Ty for helping us 💜

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you for this! I agree that working on yourself is the road to healing and a stronger mindset. And thank you for your comment towards me. I think you are right about that! And your'e welcome. Thank you!

[@billywiggins5181]

im haveing no problem with family. my problem is friends all disappeared and dirty looks from strangers, all of them

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm sorry. This is always a difficult experience.😔

[@silentwalk1768]

Sorry for the added comments you always mention the adults being narcissistic but today's time it's the kids towards their parents I am not a narcissist but I can sure see it in my kids

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Yes. Good point. I do have on my topic list to talk about unhealthy and dysfunctional siblings (again) and adult children of parents who struggle to identify personality disorders in their adult children. So it's coming up this year.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

That’s nuts about the grades… so lucky for that young person he got into therapy with you and the parents there too.

[@deborahedwards5004]

Yes! Please discuss trauma memories. It’s needed!

[@nubian47]

I've always noticed the drive to excel academically is very strong among lots of Nigerians that I've met, for many years I thought they were individually driven before I learned of the pressure that came from their parents.

[@chilloften]

Thank you Tamara for sharing. These things are having a bigger impact on me as I age and learn more. It’s pretty scary. Frozen.

[@Feline-philosopher]

I attended a family function over the course of one weekend, about one and a half years ago. Needless to say, it involved cousins...I left the function with mixed feelings, but it took me a while to really digest my time spent there. I experienced being excluded from family photos (one cousin and his family), i overheard several times mention of a function the weekend after, one i was not invited to...Something felt off the whole time, it felt like the one cousin couldnt get far enough away from me (physically). I had the distinct impression that their children did not look favourably on me either. Wine was served one evening, and i limited myself to three glasses of wine (a lot i know). The next day there was an important ceremony and i awoke just thirty minutes before everyone was going to drive to the location (09:30). I get that it was my responibility to put an alarm on...but what would it have cost to just knock on the bedroom door and let me know that i needed to get ready...I suspect there is this narrative going that i have alchohol problems (which is possible but i have consciously refrained from recreational drinking for more than ten years, based on my own introspection). I feel the poison i absorbed by paying lots of money to get a flight to this function, was the investment i made in attending, taking the invitation at face value, and throughout the weekend still being unable to wrest myself of this nagging feeling, that i have become the unlikeable one in this family. To top it all off, the grandmother figure took me aside and wanted to assure me that i should feel like family (i have emigrated and have lost both parents at a relatively young age), and she even hinted that i might need therapy if i was unable to feel included...

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Oh my. I'm sorry 😔 it's so painful to have to accept the reality that your family doesn't embrace you and they don't treat you like family. It should have been a kind gesture to knock and see if you were ready to go. That small gesture means a lot because it says "I care. Are you ready to go with us?" What is not being done or said says a lot in the end.

[@anndekhors4160]

Tamara needed to hear this thank you.❤

[@ojalara3937]

Spirituality is about the mental and emotional plane. Your thoughts. Your feelings. They exist. They are not physical. But they are real. These are all spiritual attacks. By spiritual demons in the form Of your family Ofcourse. Hope the atheists get that part

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

It's so hard for atheists and agnostics, sometimes, to grasp this. The cloud of doubt, fear, denial, and confusion over the physical world (and real experiences) all collide. It's not a full picture for them. We have to hope/pray they can hear this.

[@mvbigmagic4048]

I believe it. There are so many instances and stories about my parents in childhood and young adulthood that made me think there was something to this. definitely, the look on my mother's face whenever she does something wrong.... it is scary. Even her voice. I will never forget the last thing she said to me. Her voice changed..... and she sounded proud. Proud of hurting me. It was simply demonic. And I decided to go no-contact from that day.

[@mrstate2568]

Thank you 😊 this helps a lot 🙏🏽 ❤

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome 😊

[@claudia8801]

Very informative! 🎉

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Glad it was helpful!

[@Merekit]

This is what I needed. You're topics hit home.

[@domingabarboza9897]

#selfgaslighting🤯😪

[@Heyokasireniei468sxso]

in the usa they will put chronic ptsd

[@jennanikkarinen]

Would love an episode on psychosis!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

It's certainly on the list!! Stay tuned.

[@pippinpenn]

I watched 2 videos in a row. You forgot the paper both times! 😂😂

[@deborahedwards5004]

Defensive independent could be food, alcohol, drugs. Toxic troublemakers, suicide attempts, self flageration!

[@MomTube-i9w]

Antisocial personality disorder people do not let you sleep

[@darianclery4455]

Thank you for this message my sister yes you right

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

😊You're welcome

[@dblaze9757]

Hello Tamara, thank you for the video. I found the racial issues you slightly touched on interesting. I have always felt like AA have inherited trauma but society has rejected them. It got me wondering how that could be treated through group therapy as it is widespread.

[@KamalasNotLikeUs]

Group therapy is not as effective with this particular group. I have seen how it works for other groups, however. In fact, watching the social dynamics of AA's is key. You realize that only one or two people dominate the group and can easily derail the group far away from the topic/subject. If church is any example, the group can easily be held emotionally hostage for hours by one loud voice. Because appearances and perception management are very important, people would rather sit and squirm than to do something perceived as rude or offensive since ostracism and public shaming are common cultural behaviors used to assert dominance and control. This is especially true among women. Personally, I don't speak much in AA groups unless the group is all or overwhelmingly male. I am more concerned about disapproval among other women. Even among fellow nerdy girls, whom I encountered in college, I didn't feel like I fit in although I did feel safe and comfortable around them, which helped. I could better relate 1 on 1, when we could discuss mutual interests. I don't watch a lot of the shows or movies that bind groups. I don't have their shopping experiences either. As a rule, I don't like to waste time discussing superficial things with others unless it's courteous banter in the commission of business. I can spend hours reading and commenting on social boards, but I prefer not to do so in person. I value experiences through which I can learn from the group and contribute to information sharing or glean from others' wisdom. I'm highly analytical (ok, overly analytical), and I have studied people and group dynamics via people-watching and reading. One thing I have noticed is that my opinion of people and ideas are usually divergent from the group initially. However, as time reveals all, people's perceptions change to align with mine. I've learned to be quiet and allow people to grow and learn by themselves. Most AA women do not value know-it-all's. 😂 Actually, as an Aspie, I've had to conduct character studies; otherwise, I wouldn't know or understand social norms. Put it this way: I used to think it was fun to read phone books. I loved encyclopedias, and I liked reading dictionaries as a child. Most women (of any background) would call this "weird" or "odd." Some would go so far as to use pejoratives, like "crazy." Of course, when people want information, and they don't want to find it for themselves, guess whom they come to for instant reference? Yup, the human phone book. 😅 That's my time to shine. Otherwise, I'm generally clueless in groups, so I just quietly conduct "people studies." Who said what to whom on the Real Housewives? I don't even know whom these chicks are, and don't ask me if I know the spouses. Basketball player? 🧐If it isn't a mega star, like Jordan or Shaq, I've probably never heard of 'em and wouldn't have any interest even if I did know of the person. 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@Artfullycurious]

How long does it take to cure cptsd?

[@Catherine-do5ok]

Do you take on new clients on a one to one basis

[@pennyponiatowski5676]

Geez .. I feel rejected

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Hello and thank you. I’m watching later. So helpful and as usual lovely, warm, delivery of good information.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you 😊 💖 So glad this is helpful!

[@popeye305]

❤very nice speaker very understandable my second time

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you! 😃

[@domingabarboza9897]

Thanks!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you for the superchat 🥰 And you're welcome!

[@pennyponiatowski5676]

Thank you. I appreciate the truth on recognition

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome.

[@Adrian20242]

I just got diagnosis of did 1:52

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm so sorry. I was trying to get to your comment but sometimes there's so much coming at me during those live chats, I can't keep up. I'm sorry you have had to experience DID. It's rough but not impossible to heal from. I do have a video on the channel about DID. Hopefully you have been able to view it. And hopefully you are doing well.

[@barbpace-lamb]

my narc spouse attempted a daily at 9pm he’d start afight ….

[@silentwalk1768]

Sorry Tamara I will not comment in the lives just out of respect you got way too much going on maybe I'm wrong but concentrating on the subject is key 🗝️🔐❤ for you

[@TN-ow7yd]

Love your advice. Work on yourself and see yourself in a better light. Take the pain and alchemy it to a better you. Love your content. 🫶🏻

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you so much!! I'm glad this is helpful. ☺

[@shepraysdaily]

I appreciate you Tamara and the Tam Fam. ❤ I don’t know what I would have done without you over the past 6 months and over the holidays of going no contact with family, to very low to no contact with mom. I changed my screen name to “Sheprays,” because I proudly pray multiple times a day and thank God for leading me through this tough season of life. 🙏🏼 I’m the one with the gang of Aunts who don’t like me, but it’s not just them, the narrative about who they think I am has also trickled throughout the family. Mom not only helped to create this narrative, she plays dumb and acts like she doesn’t understand her role in all of this. They know I hold family secrets and better to call me crazy than wait for me to speak truth throughout the family. Disgusting and disturbing. 🥲 Tired of being chronically ill from family toxicity. Even from 1100 miles away.

[@Heyokasireniei468sxso]