Beware of These Common Manipulation Tactics - Terri Cole

Is there someone in your life who uses guilt to try to get you to do what they want you to do? Or have you ever been on the receiving end of flattery where someone says all these amazing things about you, but then expects something from you?
These are both examples of emotional manipulation tactics.
In this episode, I'm talking about the most commonly used manipulation tactics to help you recognize them + understand why you might be falling victim to this kind of dysfunctional behavior.
Inside this week’s guide, I’m giving you some clarifying questions to help you uncover your manipulation blueprint plus some language to help you be more assertive with your boundaries. You can download it here www.terricole....
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole....
Instagram: / terricole
Twitter: / terri_cole
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Podcast: itunes.apple.c...
Boundary Boss Book: boundarybossbo...

[@carmenl163]

For 6 weeks now, my eyes have been opened about me being the daughter of a narcissistic mother. But I'm noticing something else too: almost all of my female friends are treating me like sheit. I've been collecting mom-think-a-likes. (Anyone else having this problem?) They are full of faux concern: "Do you feel rejected?", literally 2 minutes after rejecting me (not responding to a birthday invitation, while knowing I'll be all alone that day). No, I don't FEEL rejected; I AM being rejected! No wonder I felt so hopelessly lonely. But you know what: heck them! And then, my only true friend invited me to a spaday for my birthday. We are emotionally not on the same level, but she is there for me. My lesson learned: let go of the garbage and the good stuff will come in.

[@ThePossumone]

We ALL are guilty of trying to manipulate others - so definitely need to watch our own behaviour and keep it direct

[@TheKrystee]

Very true. I finally stopped guilting my younger brother into petsitting my dog..Completely not okay on my end to try manipulate him into dropping his boundaries.

[@Gcuve]

I’m watching this video to see what contribution I might be making to the negativity and passive-aggressive behavior of my partner. Am I forcing him to behave the way he does by me being controlling and manipulative? I think I probably am. 😮

[@GenTikki]

I just found you 10 minutes ago and paused this video to go buy your book online. I found you in a short talking about how to respond to totally inappropriate questions. I can’t believe the questions some people ask me. Now I know how to turn the question on the questioner. I’ve never known what to do before. Thank you!

[@terri_cole]

You are welcome, and I'm so glad you're here. ❤️ I also recommend checking out Kasia Urbaniak, a power dynamic expert, who originally mentioned the "question the questioner" method. I interviewed her here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/jICciXlpacugaM0 That short might have come from this video, which has more tips on how to exit uncomfortable situations (especially with family): kzbin.info/www/bejne/pJOrhaGqfbV2eJI

[@howtosober]

Nothing has helped me become immune to emotional blackmail and manipulation more than healing my attachment style. Thais Gibson and Personal Development School have amaaaazing courses in integrated attachment theory, and her work for healing disorganized and other insecure attachment is unmatched. Boundaries were all-or-nothing with me until I dealt with the underlying attachment trauma. Now I finally feel safe in relationships with people.

[@julieb6624]

Something happened today. I met this few days ago and there is nothing but red flags. He's telling me how amazing he is and how I should see it, he said if I give him 💯 he will too and that how I should feel etc. Omfg. Are you kidding me? He doesn't even know me. What a psycho. I told him I'm not interested ok? I said I don't believe his stories and that he is NOT gonna tell me HOW I should feel. He called me a retard etc. This is right there a perfect example of someone abusive!! I'm so proud of myself for kicking these type of guys to the curb. I do this because I'm looking for a great guy and I understand that I'll meet a lot of trashy ones but as long as I keep my alertness and focus I'll be able to sort them out.

[@terri_cole]

So glad you were able to see the situation for what it was, Julie ❤ Keep putting yourself first!

[@Lyrielonwind]

There are far too many trashy guys around. It's sickening.

[@Chris-tg3qy]

A common one that I run into at work is “this needs to . . .” The “needs to” is something that I will have to do. The question is why does this “need to” be done by me? Total manipulation.

[@sunnygirl9691]

Well is it your job description/responsibility?

[@Chris-tg3qy]

@@sunnygirl9691 of course not. The video is regarding manipulation tactics. If it was within my job responsibility then it wouldn’t be a manipulation tactic.

[@sunnygirl9691]

@@Chris-tg3qy It seems it’s something you need to clarify with the person saying this to you. You could respond by saying - “whose job is that?- you should speak to them right away”. Don’t feel obligated by their urgency.

[@Chris-tg3qy]

@@sunnygirl9691 At my organization and most I have worked at, there are duties that are very specifically aligned to a job. However, there are many duties that can be shared on a team and are not aligned perfectly to one job. Clarifying “whose job is it” would not be appropriate in my office when it comes to shared responsibilities, but I am happy to point them in the direction of how they can take care of the problem since they are initiating the request.

[@sunnygirl9691]

@@Chris-tg3qy ok, then sounds like there’s no problem at all. You “happily” redirect them - case closed.

[@bunniewood]

It's really sad when people think compliments are manipulation. I think that's a self esteem thing or someone hurt you that way in the past. There is no way to tell if a complement is genuine or not so I accept all compliments.

[@wendydaniel1110]

Discernment is paramount. You will feel it , its a gut reaction. Believe it when it happens

[@FeralRanchWife]

Thank you for making these! I’m just starting on my “daughter of a narcissist” journey/healing. You’ve already helped me exponentially 💛 My mom spent 5 days at my house (which can NEVER happen again) and ruined my birthday. 2 days after she left, I feel like I’m recovering from an illness it was so draining & stressful. I call it “narcissist flu”…. what it physically feels like 🤒

[@em9316]

Your experience sounds the same as mine. You’re right, it’s exhausting. It makes me ill. My mam (I’m British) ruined Christmas, several times. I just had brain surgery and she decides it’s the right time to call me out on every little thing I’ve ever done to displease her, actually screaming at me for having the TV volume on too low one time. Silly little things, treated like crimes against humanity. Best wishes to you

[@Lyrielonwind]

I had my tummy getting upset just by meeting and old narcissist mother at the supermarket. Her daughter was helping her with the shopping; asking her preferences and she was looking at the ceiling, not even bothering to answer. Then, when I was paying and ticking my ATM card's code, she got glued to my shoulder to bother me. I asked her to give me room and I have got dirty looks from the cashier; she was looking at her like a venerable old lady. I knew what kind of "lady" she was. My stomach was revolving and I spent just a few minutes close to her.

[@probi99]

Ugh my mother came for xmas and had DRAMA everyday, 1st -- she FORGOT all her medications and makeup, then crying, complaining, histrionics, everyday ... I was so exhausted after she left it took me 2 days to recover.

[@gabrielleaumont3971]

​@@em9316 My commiserations. You are very brave. I can relate to such a narc mother. Best wishes to you!

[@gabrielleaumont3971]

​@@probi99 Will you invite her again, or take a trip out of town, next time?

[@beccamiller8197]

Hi Terri, I've just started reading boundary boss and have bought boundary boss workbook and also pre ordered your new one coming out in October. I'm just absorbing all your information, thank you for your work ❤

[@terri_cole]

Why thank you, Becca! 💕 I hope you enjoy all of them and that they provide so much value for you.

[@beccamiller8197]

@terri_cole I have already received value and applied in tiny ways. All of the things I am reading sounds like me to a T, people pleasing not even knowing how to set boundaries so I'm thrilled to learn 🥰

[@terri_cole]

I am honored to be part of your learning journey ❤️❤️

[@brightphoebesays]

I have felt lately that when servers or salespeople compliment me on my jewelry or clothes, they are merely trying to upsell me or get a bigger tip. : ( I just say thank you and don't let it affect my choices, and I don't go into detail about the item, where I got it, what it's made of, because they are probably not sincere. And my mom, I happened to invite her up for 3 days, she jumped all over that and came up for 4 days, then she totally tried to take over while here and was a rude guest, which caused an accident involving my cat, which was the last straw, I lost it to an extent, though I also held back saying what I really felt. Later on she wrote me a letter telling me she has never been so badly treated because of an accident, making me the perpetrator/aggressor. I am not having it! How dare she! I don't need a mother any more, and she doesn't get to control me, manipulate and guilt trip me me any more! I won't be inviting her again, and am glad I live reasonably far away. She blames me for making her miss me, but I don't miss her!

[@susannahcyrus5086]

Hi Terri! New subscriber here. Read Boundary Boss recently and have been applying the exercises more and more. As a fellow therapist in the first few years of my career I have been humbled by new and deeper insights into my boundary challenges as I work to parent my 2 year old daughter in a much more emotionally aware way than I was parented. ❤ your work is a gift and your realism and humor are a huge blessing in my life!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for the kind words, Susannah ❤ I'm so glad you found Boundary Boss helpful!

[@hristinajovicic6235]

Thanks Terry, so glad I stumbled upon your Channel ...much love and appreciation ❤️

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for being here! ❤️

[@kazt461]

Thank you Terri, 😊 I seem to attract men that try and place me into guilt and limit my friendship..

[@melissaculpepper7663]

Hi! New here. Just subscribed. 57 and just now learning how to set boundaries. You are a God-send! I love your direct, no-nonsense approach. I really appreciate how you have given examples and scenarios so that it really helps me to better understand.

[@terri_cole]

Welcome, welcome, welcome Melissa! I appreciate you ❤️

[@karensheline6958]

Hi Terri, I’ve been watching others videos and am so glad I fell upon yours. I really screwed up recently and moved my narcissistic mother into my home…I know, big mistake !! For the first week I sat across the room from her like 😳 !! I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing. A little history… I left her home at 15 as I was physically abused, ignored, put down and called stupid and neglected. Moved in with my dad who tried to commit suicide 5 times and was an alcoholic. At 22 moved back in with my mom because my husband went to prison and I was 7 months pregnant. I thought it would be ok because her new husband was in law enforcement and I would be protected. Again, physical abuse and mental abuse ensued. When I could finally leave her home…again…she threatened to kill herself if I didn’t return. By this time I was in therapy, for the first of many times over the decades to come, and thought I knew how to handle her. I was told I was an adult child of alcoholics, no one ever mentioned narcissism. Eventually I moved 2000 miles away and life was better. After another failed marriage I had no choice but to come back as she controls the purse strings. More therapists…more mental abuse by her…another marriage, and now her husband is deceased. (Btw, I developed a debilitating disease in these years that caused me to retire at 34) Again I’m dependent on her money. Over the next 3 decades she’s planting guilt as to who will take care of her in her old age, it’s just me and one sister now. Jumping forward, she’s 90 and I am 64 and she tells me she wants to give me my inheritance now so I can buy a house large enough for us to live together. I’ve been a renter as I’m living on a small disability check so I fell for it. 😔 I’ve had the house for a year and then she moved in. It lasted 13 weeks and I moved her into a small apartment as it was making me physically Ill. She is an alcoholic so that was also a contributing factor. Now I’m racked with guilt, crying all the time, and the rest of the family doesn’t talk to me. I’ve tried to go No Contact and stuck to my guns for almost a month but I feel her sucking me back in due to grandkids. These videos are shedding light but I need a next step. Group therapy sounds like what is in order. Please advise. Thank you so much ❣️✌️

[@terri_cole]

Hi Karen- I am sorry to hear about your painful situation. I think therapy would be helpful. ❤️ Sending you courage and strength.

[@smustipher]

Terry, thank you for your videos. Your descriptions of how relational trauma can impact us are very easy to follow AND include actionable steps we can take to heal. I am a firm believer that anyone who has suffered in their childhood owes it to themselves to create a healthy, functional, and contented adult life. If anyone had the misfortune of growing up in an emotionally unavailable, abusive, or exploitative family system, it is VITAL to understand how we were mistreated and ELIMINATE/KEEP OUT anyone who is exhibiting the same behaviors. Wishing you all a successful healing journey.

[@terri_cole]

I am so glad my videos are helpful and easy to understand, Shannon ❤️ Thanks for being here.

[@SuperBlakes2]

Great description of projection.

[@sally5256]

You give the absolute best examples! That is your gift! Soo helpful. What if someone uses their trauma and the personal consequences of their trauma (depression, introvertedness) as an an excuse for their behavior in a relationship but function at work in a very high role just “fine”. The childhood trauma was extensive and the affects understandable, but can the dismissive behavior be manipulation?

[@terri_cole]

Thank you, Sally. ❤️ Someone’s past experiences should not be used as an excuse for continued bad behavior towards you. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!

[@Martty_4]

This is so bloody true Terri. The fake concern u have nailed it. That's why I disagree with the recent post on Mel Robbins saying to be honest with your mates. She might have messed our heads. I love Mel but how honest is honest ??many abuse that honesty by trying to use misleading words

[@TheSahand68]

Well, I just discovered this program. It is precious!

[@NKRAIEM]

Fabulous! Describes the former relationship I was in and my marriage. Go ahead I'm finally extricated, and can appreciate this content. Looking forward to doing the work

[@terri_cole]

Woohoo, glad you were able to get out!

[@bethbethanny6425]

I'm definitely excited to have ran into the video you were in, in women of impact. Appreciate you 💯

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️

[@juliantorres2772]

This is so refreshing, i lived in Toxic relationship not knowing i could put boundaries or not knowing how to do it. I know now things can be changed and fixed instead of avoiding conflicts all the time. I used to withdraw or be silent thinking that was a weapon or because i didnt have tools to argue and express my self. Thank You for this chanel. I guess i tried to manipulate my partner with my silence and bad moods too.

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome, Julian, and I am cheering you on as you become more self-aware around these behaviors ❤️

[@Manavi_is]

mmmh your voice is heaven. so lovely to listennnnnn

[@ldarbes]

Thank you Terri. I just ordered your book. Looking forward to learning more from you.

[@terri_cole]

Hope you enjoy it!

[@mitzicrowder2186]

Miss Terry thank you for your teachings,and thank you for your wisdom.Gods Blessings

[@terri_cole]

[@fegiluxelifeadvisor22]

Hello Terri! Been enjoying your teachings ❤

[@The_nqeen]

Hi Terri. i just got your book today. looking forward to read it ❤

[@terri_cole]

Hi Justina, I hope you enjoy Boundary Boss! ❤️ Thanks for reading and for being here.

[@flyingcheff]

Terri, this one gives me chills and also makes me want to cry. I am in a relationship with my adult child, which is rife with emotional manipulation (which I endlessly combat and stans up to, buy seems to have no affect on the perpetrator- which leads to The Grand Canyon between us. And I am absolutely baffled why it is this way. The obvious answer is that her dad totally bailed on her. But isn't there a time when she just moves forward? It's beyond heartbreaking for me. I had an amazing relationship with her for 19 years - then, POOF! I have a question for you, or maybe it's just an observation; it seems like almost all or maybe all of your content is for the recipient/victim/receiver of all these poor behaviors. I'd like to understand more from the perspective of the person doing these things. It would be helpful to hear more than "It's a defense mechanism because they want/need control," etc. Why do these behaviors happen? What types of circumstances create these maladaptive and abusive behaviors in people? What are the red flags that should be listened to about them in addition to how WE feel as a recipient of the bad/abusive behavior? It's all fine to finally identify how you got those bruises after the fact (20/20 hindsight). I'd like to know WHY they happen in the first place. And what do the abusers really get? Nothing they respect, that's for sure. Thanks for considering tackling my questions.

[@elipotter369]

This may not be what's happening in your situation, but what I found with my young adult child is: stuff she was doing that I could see as mean or manipulative, were actually simply her trying to establish distance from me. To young adult children, especially if we had a good, close relationship, we are powerful figures, and they find it hard to establish the relationship they want - which in my case, is love, knowing I'm there in the background when needed, and wanting me to have my own busy fun life separate from her.

[@marlanaferro1558]

Whenever someone compliments you just say oh really.

[@macoeur1122]

I'm seriously irked by inauthentic flattery as well. I've seen enough of this tactic in my own family that I'm basically allergic to it. I've learned to find the "sweet spot" between totally falling for it and showing my anger. I sucks, but I learned that some people will try to convince you there's something wrong with you if you're annoyed by their flattery. So now I just (very) casually thank them, and immediately change the subject to let them know "bait not taken"...or I might compliment them back on something (if it's real). I've found that actually "showing" them clearly that I'm not "in need" of their flattery usually puts an end to any ideas of controlling me (by THAT means, anyway)

[@bunniewood]

How is it ever possible to know if it's authentic or not. They might genuinely love you're nose when you don't. Doesn't mean it's inauthentic.

[@macoeur1122]

@@bunniewood I get where you're coming from, but it's all about "pattern recognition", and not about a difference of opinion. It's probably more difficult with people you don't know, but even then, the "context" often gives it away. Regarding family, when you've known someone for your entire life and you've actually seen them pulling this tactic on others, and NOT trying to hide it from YOU...and you've seen it countless times, you recognize the look and the mannerisms that go along with it. This is similar to the idea that "If someone gossips about others TO you, they are very likely gossiping to others ABOUT you too. You can actually "see" what they're capable of, and can often extrapolate from that. Of course, we can never truly know anything at all with 100% certainty. All of the decisions we make are based on discerning truth from b.s. to the best of our ability, and when this ability to discern rarely fails you, you come to trust it as your best navigation tool. ...and still...you may never be able to "prove" the insincerity of any single instance of false flattery, but the numbers DO tell a story. And really, you don't need to prove anything to anyone else. You're simply navigating away from b.s. and toward truth to the best of your ability.....If it's working consistently, that's all that you need.

[@bunniewood]

When I compliment someone and they can't take it, it really looks like they lack self esteem to me. No one I've met has become suspicious but I'd imagine it'd make me wonder who hurt them in the past.

[@macoeur1122]

@@bunniewood Well, yes...that kind of thing does exist. But this is not what we're talking about when we're talking about "Manipulation Tactics". They are two completely different things. When it's about manipulation, I don't protest...because I know I can't "read minds". I always know my suspicion is not 100% fail-proof...but again, it doesn't matter. We can cover both possibilities by accepting the compliment graciously. and then we can keep one eye peeled for any following expectations and/or looks of disappointment from the complimenter when a "thank you!" is not enough (these can be "telling" signs) Anyone who is authentically complimenting you is not expecting or looking for something in return. I don't think anyone out there needs to worry about how their authentic compliments will be taken, if that's your concern. I think we all understand that they DO exist, and that not everyone who compliments us is a manipulator.

[@jannamartens9806]

Love this video thank you Terri . “ I relate “

[@caleuxx9108]

Terri, good topic. When exposed to this behavior for years and years beginning from childhood that includes emotional neglect, the result is porous emotional boundries and emotional reactivity that lasts for days. Its pretty much impossible to respond in ways you say, without being attacked, ridiculed, gaslighted, etc. This Christmas for me was hell and yet I only talked to narc father and manipulative brother on phone. Manipulative brother used such (in the moment) covert manipulation and shaming that it took me some days to 2 weeks to understand it and get rid of the triggered state that left me unable to fall asleep for 2 weeks (I didnt know it was shame and still am unable to label my state on an emotional level - could not fall asleep, felt bad). Porous emotional boundries. How to heal that ? I am starting to believe that healing porous emotional boundries while in contact (even small) with those key people (immature parents), who caused them, is probably impossible. Porous emotional boundries. How to heal that ? Even before this event, I had learned that shame often feels like pain and people react in defence mode - I reacted with anger (saying no, funtional boundries BUT for days I did not recognize it in myself as the possible result of the conversation. How to manage that state ?

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion and sending strength your way as you navigate healing ❤️ If you are dealing with boundary destroyers, then going no contact may be the best option to give yourself space to heal. I have a video about boundary destroyers here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/e6vHm6F-jb2Gmqc I have an entire chapter dedicated to it in Boundary Boss (boundarybossbook.com). I also have a vid on the impact of childhood emotional neglect here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fXfCY2d4g8mFaNE

[@Dead_Sushi]

Hi, I'm new and want to say thank you.

[@terri_cole]

Well hello and welcome to my channel! You're so welcome ❤️

[@sandychandra3222]

Love your wisdom ❤

[@DNS0875]

Manipulative flattering is so much fun! Say ‘thank you!’. That’s all. Don’t stress about it it. Go away or watch the manipulator squirm 🎉

[@rubyhughes4789]

I enjoyed this channel.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you Ruby ❤️

[@paulohlsson27]

Hi Ruby, how's your day going with you?

[@joelarson6658]

just found you ❤ i myself am the one that struggling with my lack of communication skills and its driving my fiance away. i hope this helps

[@terri_cole]

I hope it helps you, too! ❤️

[@Flower4229]

Wow. Can’t even tell how you much everything you’re saying resonates with me and it makes me so livid and depressed at the same time

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion and holding space for you ❤️

[@PS-xb9hc]

Flattering is so toxic. I recently met someone like that and it sucks. There are so many people like that and you gotta beware.

[@terri_cole]

Being aware helps a lot!

[@queendivine3044]

I was in a shelter in Colorado Springs around some black woman and a Spanish woman who was like that. I had a girl do some messy stuff and would stress me out on top of the harrassment that was stressful. Being to live bomb and ack like she had deep concerns about my health. She knew the truth behind the technology and the drama then she began to say things like I had mental health issues that triggered me not her bs and everyone else that that surely got to be the problem and I was in denial of it that it could be the very thing the false medical issues not the bs. So their goes the thief father of lies swapping the bs lie to be the reality yet she knew better then me because she took classes. Now I'm in her classroom with her drama. First thing I knew needed to happen. That was my exit strategy asap.

[@09280215]

Ha-ha...!!! Did you know my mother? You just described her in such precise details. 🤣🤣🤣

[@wendydaniel1110]

When someone is " faking" a compliment it feels "yukky" like you're being set up to be played. The energy the person emmitts is disingenuous..

[@EileenRedmond-e3d]

omg?! I can't tell you how similarly I feel when I receive the bs compliments 10:54 thx You thx you!!

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@mikesmith6594]

Yes my narc father is good at using these type of manipulative tactics.

[@jimlangdon1947]

Hey, I am curious what your views on 1) hook up culture, 2) declining marriage rates, 3) young woman’s choices (wait to 30’s to establish career or prioritize family) and 4) how do young men best adjust to changing women’s role - in everyone’s best interests? Think your perspectives might be new and refreshing.

[@terri_cole]

That's a lot to cover in one comment, but I have plenty of videos about healthy love on my channel which might give you some insights! You could try this one: kzbin.info/www/bejne/oKPdoKp8fZd-lc0 This short video is also semi related to hook up culture: kzbin.info/www/bejne/j6TchJl7YrNpb7M

[@jimlangdon1947]

@@terri_cole Thank you so much. These topics are not well covered by moderates like yourself. What about just the topic - healthy decisions on boundaries to balance Family & Career Advancement for any woman? My daughter is doing ok in 7 year common law marriage - but my 28 year old son is confused and your comments might help women/men (from 20 to 32) balance lives & develop clearer views on good values to keep. I see hook up as manipulative - as prostitution is without any emotional connection and caring. At 66 - a brother I am implementing healthy boundaries with my siblings (2 sisters & a brother). It is not easy - but helping my anxiety disorder. They are drastically resisting. I think you might target men more in your presentations - just a bit. Will follow your above suggests & I started your audiobook which is helpful. Take care & have a great day.

[@terri_cole]

So glad Boundary Boss is helping you already 💕 My content is for everyone, but I speak mainly to women because most of my private therapy clients were women, and it's the experience I know really well. I do have 500+ free videos on my channel, many of which cover boundaries from a variety of angles, but if you find Boundary Boss helpful, perhaps you could let your son listen and see what he thinks!

[@jimlangdon1947]

@@terri_cole Thanks I will. Hope you might change your approach to welcome more men and just be more inclusive. It could help women - as there is a pretty significant dynamic which has a lot of women angry/upset/let down by men. I love learning from women (say golf and music) and just hearing from their side. Think a moderate like you could make a difference - even women that are learning from you can benefit from positive constructive feedback you have towards the dynamics between women & men. Setting all that aside - thanks for the work & info you are sharing. I will coach my son. If he sets good boundaries with women & men in his life - that is in everyone’s best interests. 😀

[@teds.8378]

A lovely video. Can you have the recording at a louder level...I was struggling to hear...😅 Lots of love for the effort you take to make your videos...very professional work. God bless you.😊❤

[@brightphoebesays]

Terri, my mother asked me if she was a good mother. I don't think that is a fair question. Should I answer it? I don't think I even know the answer. So far I've told her that it's not a suitable question to ask me, and that she should ask a friend.

[@samxsara]

Ask her what her gut tells her :)

[@beritmason8567]

I have a horrible neighbor who I finally cut off. she is a bully, arrogant, and crude. I finally wised up to her because I did not know that such people could really exist. maybe she is a lesson. so these have been very helpful. she is nice but there is a reason for it. she is also a hoarder and grossly obese and there is a long line of people who have blocked her. these things I do not mind. her life. but she is so manipulative and nasty. I am so glad I cut her off. never to go back and this fits her to a tee. I also dated a male narcissist and also a someone else who was a bully. I really need to wise up to the world. my neighbor also does this .... calling, presents, lying .... ugh.

[@VildhjartaFanGurl]

I can't show this to them because they will just say I'm the manipulator. 5 years. Just hurt..

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️

[@deeee7833]

How about this one. The manipulator projects me their ideal scenario, then compares me to the ideal. It appears I am falling short of their ideal. Then the question what am I going to do to meet their ideal. 1 man did this on me. And one family member. Does it have a name?

[@terri_cole]

It is comparing in the service of making you feel bad AND manipulation. Don’t get sucked in. You can say, “Your fantasy scenario has nothing to do with me. That’s aaaallll about you.”

[@themidwestblindgirl3120]

Hello Terri, I was wondering your opinion on a situation. So a guy that I met in a group and I started dating a few months ago, and we ran into a situation where he said something that upset me because I thought he knew how I felt about other women and how to deal with them while in a relationship, but maybe I didn’t make myself clear enough. One day he ordered Doordash and this lady brought him his food, and when we were on the phone, he was saying she was kind of cute, but my thing is why would you tell your girlfriend that some other female is cute and think that would have went without me saying something. I should mention that this is long distance, and when I told him I was literally about to be done with him, he said this and I quote “I’m serious if you do this to me, I might commit suicide”. This was after him begging and pleading for me to stay and that he would work on it, and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he wouldn’t know what to do if he loses me. I know that life is tough for him as it is for all of us, but to go this far to me is scary, and I will say he is in therapy for depression, so why would you then say that which leads me to believe that he should change therapists. Let me know what your feedback is it would be highly appreciated.

[@terri_cole]

Threatening to kill himself is really crossing a boundary. It is scary but also manipulative. I think you can tell him that behavior is a deal breaker and that he might do well to discuss it with his therapist. Then you have to decide how you feel and what you want in your own life. 💕

[@themidwestblindgirl3120]

@@terri_cole thank you so much this means a lot. 💜💜 I also addressed him about threatening self harm and all he could say was that he didn’t remember saying that, and that if he did, it was a mistake his speech to text thing on his phone made, which I find that to be gaslighting because how can your dictation come up with something like that unless you’re talking about that already. I also don’t know if I’m over thinking this, but he would also constantly call me and complain about all of the things he didn’t like were going on, and would even get angry about the smallest things like when his iPad wouldn’t work, he would literally tel me that he threw it across the couch so yeah seems very scary.

[@and.she_Vegas]

BUT… what if my spouse gives me shit for brushing my teeth without asking him if he needed to use the bathroom first? Even though he was busy changing his clothes B4 I went into the bathroom!!! His needs first? Is that the message I’m supposed to get?!? Now I’m furious and can’t go to sleep.

[@terri_cole]

It sounds like something else is going on there. When you are less mad, perhaps you can ask him why it upset him. Does he feel not considered in other areas? It feels to me like an original injury from childhood- maybe emotional neglect or selfish parents? And like he might be having a transference to you as I don’t think that brushing your teeth without checking to see if he needs the bathroom while he is undressing is selfish or inappropriate. ❤️

[@t_nels]

Coercive control around what to eat and expecting you watch videos to watch regarding their current beliefs. It's not always been like this but since c0v1d everything has changed, at least notably. It isn't all bad info and it comes from concern or worry, maybe. What may be healthy or needed by one person, it may not be healthy for another. Like say salt, fat, or butter. So when they use those items in excess they know you won't be able to eat it. Would it would be gaslighting if they dump salt in your dill? I know it sounds silly, but I had to dump the whole thing. If their own set rules are broken it could get intense. I have had to ask myself if It's just a game.

[@terri_cole]

I have a video solely on gaslighting here that might be helpful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rWeuc61qmL18lcU

[@t_nels]

@@terri_cole Thank you.💕

[@t_nels]

@@terri_cole Unwavering belief in intuition is a problem but it will be a little better because I was recommended to a specific therapist from someone who has watched my family through the years.

[@terri_cole]

It can be so hard to get back in touch with intuition after experiencing manipulation. Just acknowledging that and validating it. Hopefully the help of a trusted therapist will help. 💕 I also have an episode on trust coming out next week that might be helpful (in terms of learning to trust yourself again, which is tied to intuition, too).

[@t_nels]

@@terri_cole Thank you

[@NicoleLondon-if3mz]

Hey 👋

[@terri_cole]

Well hello there and welcome to my channel!

[@wejoin]

How about threatening to kill themselves if you leave them alone?

[@terri_cole]

That is emotional abuse and manipulation. I think you need to have a real conversation with them when they are not threatening to harm themselves-clearly stating that them threatening to self harm if you don’t do what they want -is a deal breaker for you (if it is). ❤️

[@ΗρωΔουβογιαννη]

Αν είναι "common " είναι και γνωστές. Άρα.....

[@terri_cole]

They are common in relation to what I've seen in my therapy practice for 25+ years, but they aren't necessarily easy to identify, especially when you're on the receiving end of it or in a toxic relationship. ❤️

[@drmtokes]

"unearned closeness".... THAT's what explains my "relationship" with my stepmom!

[@SeaofMadness-lz6ig]

Terri you have helped me with a few concerns that were on my mind about my ex boyfriend. I was miserable with him and what was wrong with our relationship was difficult to pinpoint. In many areas he was manipulative and played the guilt game with me. He said many things about buying me stuff and buying us stuff and rubbed that in my face when I left him. And..this was the 6th time I left him and I'm so happy I'm never going back. I'm in my middle age and I can't deal with emotional or physical abusers anymore. My choice is to be happy as happiness is a choice 😊

[@rubberbiscuit99]

Emotional manipulation was and is the main way my family members "communicate." Whoever is the most cruel and depraved dominates the dynamics. For decades, I struggled to understand why I was so unhappy, when I had "no reason". Years of depression, anxiety, loneliness and confusion from the endless manipulation, gaslighting, and straight abuse. Moving away and years of therapy helped me develop boundaries, and I found that first my spouse, then my family and friends, "don't like" me anymore and want me to get in my time machine and go back to being "sweet." I divorced, only to find myself bathing in stigma from being divorced. Smear campaigns are underway. I am one of three people left who stand by me and prefer the version of me who has boundaries. Healing this stuff has been a very rough process, although I prefer healing to continuing in boundaryless victimization. It is important to understand that developing boundaries may render you inoperable within a dysfunctional group. I am looking for my tribe. ☮️

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion and sending strength your way ❤️

[@angelamossucco2190]

Strength to you. We need an emotional Abuse Healing Support Group like AA.

[@smustipher]

Keep up the good work. Keep defining and communicating your boundaries, free yourself from manipulation and be free to live - and enjoy- your life 🙌🙌🙌

[@samanthachildress1091]

Well said. Praying you find your tribe soon!!

[@rubberbiscuit99]

@@samanthachildress1091 Thank you! It's coming along. :)

[@Katyayanibetha]

That "positive projection" is what has gotten me in trouble more times than I can count, lol. I've become aware of it and work on not doing that now though. Great video! Very helpful.

[@terri_cole]

Thanks for sharing!!

[@colochossalvajes]

Yep my mom does this plus she’s pressuring me to get medicated just because I’m putting on boundaries and trying to detach myself from her to take care of me.

[@kristinmeyer489]

I don't like emotionally manipulative flattery and it makes me feel uncomfortable and even a bit set up. How do you authentically tell people like this that it's unnecessary without pissing them off because you're essentially letting them know you see thru their b.s.?

[@marlanaferro1558]

Roll your eyes at them in a slightly annoyed way.

[@Overtonl1234]

I truly feel like manipulation/gaslighting has followed me into every aspect of my life for at least over a decade. I don’t think people could even begin to understand what this does to a person. I say at least a decade because I wasn’t aware of it until a certain point in my life but thinking back it seems to have always been this way…a pattern. I realize how odd this is but it is what it is unfortunately. Sooner or later every single person I’m around has a change in behavior. It’s become something I just have to work harder to get past even though I don’t have the energy to do it. These things absolutely drain the life out of me. How would I ever explain this without sounding absolutely ridiculous…it truly leaves me having no credibility.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤

[@dustin1722]

I’ve experienced that change and it’s messed up bc it isn’t for something you did, short of maybe not kiss their asses. Once they realize you’re not down with blind worshipping them and going along with their lies and twisted version of reality it’s game on and you become public enemy number one. I hate these people and something is definitely not right with out country and it is this narcissistic abuser enabling and victim shaming and the fact it’s not considered a crime when it ought to be a class A felony. They do it in packs too. It’s fucked up and wrong.

[@doodlebugscritters2715]

I am a wife of 22 years and am just starting to discover the codependent that I have been. I suspect from your descriptions that my husband has narcissistic personality disorder. It has been a tumultuous 2 weeks of boundary setting, and I'm praying I have the strength to not give in. Soo so blessed to have found you and your community, I was told to watch your vids by my therapist 💗💕💓 thank you so much for all you do for us Terry!!

[@terri_cole]

Witnessing you with compassion ❤ Thank you for being here.

[@kari2990]

I'm proud of you!

[@terrik8581]

Divorce. They cant change. Divorced mine of 29 years. Trauma was so bad I got cancer. Dont get sick over a narc. They have no empathy or love.

[@doodlebugscritters2715]

@@terrik8581 thanks for the reminder, I lost a coworker and good friend to stress and cancer. 💜💜💜 I'm working on it, almost had him out 2x now, so we have already started to crack apart. Grey-rocking my way to a non-violent finish 🙏🙏😊 still already happier than I was last fall!

[@madalinab7213]

Thank you so much, Terri, this episode hit home so hard!!! I grew up in a manipulative household, and even 20 years after being on my own, I still fight with this unseen dragon which shows up daily 🤗

[@sociallyundead419]

As someone part of Gen Z who had access to the internet and so many stories, I grew up trying to help my mom identify the abuse she grew up with. Thank you so much for making videos like this! It has helped my mom so much to put words to what she's experiencing and what I've been trying to say. You're brilliant.

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@fairygodmotherflowerEternal221]

Thank you Terri. Your voice is so great. It has a positive effect on me as well as info shared. I was severely anorexic when I was about 15-22 ish. My mom is somewhat of a covert narcissist/narcissist. I always performed really well in school, nhs etc, premed degree and also ballet, running, classically tra8ned soprano, instrument.. The list goes on & on. I am 40 ish nw. Married in definitely an abusive relationship ( forme)but it switches back and forth right nw. Sometimes it’s good and I try to teach him things, I want it to get better very soon.I am doing very well though, I am finally feeling proud of myself just in the past two years. My mom is a real go getter, in a louder way. She recently said that I couldn’t come to something at the Hampton with her , her sister (aunt) and a couple other relatives. It is really strange. She really tried to make me feel off or crazy in my life. Me performing well and knowing that my 2 little boys are so happy , strong & learning gives me pride and self assurance now. I have this idea where ( since I am not crazy, whatever that means) I really want to reach out to other female elders in my family for support and connection. I have pondered this for the past 5 years, I really want to tell two of my a7nts that my mom severely amotionally abused me. I think that it is important for me to express this now f8bally yet I am still scared. In a nutshell & among millions of other things , my mom denied that I was hurt by a someone when I was young. She denied it nany times. She also told me that my perception is off , I’m too sensitive and that I’m over reacting( she said these comments nearly constantly to me)She even told me that I was not thinking clearly years ago. She seems to tear me apart if I don’t do or be what she wants. I have sort of a big family. I’m an infj, possibly crystalline heyoka empath as well. I am greatful for my life. I am happy and so strong. I want to find the right therapist again & I like in person sessions bc I think that I discharge a lot of emotion throughout my eyes, body language. I can be kind of quiet otherwise. Also I am obviously tired of being taken advantage of in family type situations. I don’t know how to let my mom go even though we are pretty distanced already. I am building a better support system first. The shame is gone I need to process sadness now. I do not want to put to much on my shoulders yet if my husband ( who I have known since I was 10) does not become nicer & respectful, loving and kind I will leave him. He will go back to therapy soon. Right now I am just trying to not weight his opinion heavy, not tolerate abuse, walk away definitely when it’s not helpful or good. His personality feel heavy to me. I think that he is somewhat melancholic. I am starting ti reach out more right now. Believe it or not, his mom has been highly critical of me as well. I literally feel like through all this I am a super, wildly strong fluorescent and gold phoenix now, rising from the ashes, I only speak truth and I have gotten myself this far, I will not ever consider going back or letting people tear me apart. It has felt so painful dealing with my mom lately though, like final pieces of abandonment wounds clearly presented again.Thank you for your voice& being here. Noelle .

[@terri_cole]

Witnessing you with compassion and sending strength, Noelle ❤ I hope you're able to find a therapist you can work with for in person sessions. I'm cheering you along your healing journey!

[@pwhite5411]

Thanks Terri. Great video. I didn’t know about “ positive projection”. I’ll have to be more mindful as I think I tend to do that sometimes.

[@lovemagicandroad]

Yes me too, I presume people are honest and good minded. I’m way too trusting. So many it turns out are dishonest and selfish.

[@spice8831]

Terri thank you for your warm and informative channel. You’re so smart and classy.

[@terri_cole]

Why thanks! I appreciate you watching 💕

[@vp5296]

Unearned closeness!! 😮 that's it! 💯

[@TheIloveme9]

Annette Baird ❤️ I’ve listened to boundary boss about 5 or more times! Thank you for all you do! It’s changing my life for the better in soooo many ways!

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@Olivereliocorcordium1983]

I just stumbled upon this youtube channel and I was interested in knowing the signs of manipulation for myself to see if i could spot it in my own family. And so I am here listening to this and I have to say... I have never heard someone say "blowing sunshine up your ass." before and as soon as I heard it I was cracking up so hard I had to pause the video for a few minutes to compose myself. that was amazing! 🤣

[@terri_cole]

Glad I could make you laugh! Thanks for being here ❤️

[@JodySamascott]

Found your book on Audible when it first came out and have followed you ever since. Thank you for all you do❤Also, you're gorgeous! Your eyes are captivating.

[@zion367]

I always get this very icky feeling when someone is flattering me. My question is; "How do we respond or deal with it?" I know its not gonna work on me, but I feel I need to call it out otherwise it continues. Do you have any tips or suggestiond Terri?

[@terri_cole]

I think you can not respond to it and move on, and if you feel compelled to say something because this person uses flattery as a way of trying to manipulate you to do what they want, then you have to decide how important the relationship is - if it is important, you might say, “Let’s stick to the conversation at hand please. Flattery will not change my position.”

[@zion367]

@@terri_cole Good one. No this is a neighbour that always uses "how are you beautiful?" Or "You look amazing as always" when I just walk in a homesuit with my hair a mess. But he does this to show to other people how popupair he is and how he knows the woman in the neighbourhood. Its an ego thing. At least... thats what I feel. I might set a boundarie and tell him that I prefer to be called by name instead of petnames.

[@russelcreamer1429]

Ty

[@pollytheparrot8929]

Yea my mom does that.. She tells, coz I worked u could do ur post graduation! Wen I didn't have a job, she told oh u want to live life on our expense!

[@JudgeJulieLit]

A flatterer plays their target for a fool.

[@sunnygirl9691]

What do you say to someone who continually flatters you? I respond to this the same way you do - it REALLY irritates me and feels manipulative. But she never stops with the b/s.

[@meenakumar9543]

Eye opener 🙏

[@terri_cole]

So glad it was helpful 💕

[@mitzicrowder2186]

I have learned to see clearly and to understand the correct words for problem people and types of mental issues.I am not educated like you but you help me understand and give some horrible people that have been in my life a name.I needed to have an answers

[@AnimalFarm341]

I have a “friend” who constantly tries to set me up to do things. Always is flattery or some nicety ending with a favor. Drives me nuts!

[@R.A.A.1980]

Wow I can’t believe you said you feel it in your core. I do too and it feels so dirty but thanks to you I’m learning

[@angelamossucco2190]

Your information and especially your examples are some of the best for people on our healing journey.

[@terri_cole]

So happy to hear that, Angela ❤️ Thank you!

[@irinak-my7qk]

Wonderful explanation

[@tslilbearshoppe9870]

so much easier to be alone lol

[@SimonneBerriman]

My son is 23, he over powers me. His life is chaotic, he gets stressed, doesnt reply to messages (ignores my calls) I have pulled away but I dont want our relationship to have anger undertones. Will your book help with this? Thanks 🙂

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry to hear that 💕 Boundary Boss is all about setting boundaries. My definition of boundaries is that they're your personal rules of engagement- it's telling people what is okay and not okay with you. As for whether the book will help here- you say you've pulled away (which is setting a boundary!) and that you don't want your relationship to have anger undertones. I'm not sure if that is completely within your control, though. You can set boundaries with all the love and kindness in the world, and it's possible your son will respond poorly. We cannot control how others feel or how they respond to our boundaries. We can only control how we choose to respond to that. Boundaries are also about knowing where our side of the street ends and where someone else's begins. If you're taking on your son's chaotic and stressful life when you don't need to be, then it might help you with that. It's hard for me to say without knowing more, but I hope that helps! You can also find dozens of videos about boundaries for free on this channel or on my blog. ❤️

[@MeghanDonnellyIPY]

Thank you so much for this excellent content!

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️

[@paulohlsson27]

Hi Meghan, how's your day going with you?

[@96il]

A friend who always talks about his bad habits at studying and never talks about his good ones, and then he gets the highest marks in the class, and says he never studies seriously, and talks badly about my friends, and when he is with them he shows them that he is a good friend, is he included in the category of a "manipulative friend"?

[@terri_cole]

I think that's for you to decide. How do you feel when you spend time with this person? How do you feel afterwards? How do you feel leading up to seeing them? Have you tried setting any boundaries with them? If this person leaves you feeling drained or depleted, putting a label on it may not matter so much.

[@96il]

@@terri_cole when I spend time with her, my feeling is so normal, but when I get back to my home, I remember and analyse everything I can see horrible things happened but I didn’t realise it at the time but later again I start feeling bad because I think what If this person doesn’t mean to do this and this and that, but again It’s constantly repeated And she claims that she is a healthy and healed person, but after she did her healing courses she got worest than ever And once In a class, I told her that I have to get back to my home (because she gets back to her home with me) so I demanded her to harry up, but she just make me 2 HOURS LATE!! Mama like can you imagine!! And also once I told her that I got annoyed because she get out of school without telling me she would (also because we are on the same road so we get back to our houses together) (and I always respect her and wait for her and carry even her own stuff on the road) and I told her that in a really gentle way, but she said that oh she didn’t mean that and she apologised, but she repeated that again!!! So I have to make a step to heal myself from this relationship because it’s my last year in school with her, so I was thinking of what the right thing that I can do now..

[@pngproductions8529]

what if you realize you love bomb as a response to emotional abuse to keep them. I know that can be maladaptive cooping mech or FLEAS, does that also mean a narc or a trauma response that mimic narc behaviors. thanks.

[@Lyrielonwind]

I think is a fawn response. Scapegoats are quite people pleasers without acknowledging. We had to do it in order to survive narcissistic rage. I like seeing the nice traits of people and I have frequently found myself flattering people and getting rejected. Then, I feel "disgusting nice". I'm trying to correct it but I don't do it to get anything in return, it comes out spontaneously. I believe that if I am nice to people, they won't hurt me and that's wrong. Frequently, healthy people reject me while I attract all kinds of toxic people. It's a surviving strategy that not serves me any longer.

[@pngproductions8529]

@@Lyrielonwind yeah, i tend to pick emotionally avoidant, neglectful and or abusive partners. Or partners that had rage, lack of communication so they manipulate other intensely persons

[@Lyrielonwind]

@@pngproductions8529 I'm through with what most people call love; I have not found a man who doesn't need to be "above" me, no matter what I do. Still, in every day life I find people who compete with me when I am not competing. I have found women competing in all ways and sorts with others like if it were a biblical tradition. They don't even need a guy triangulating. I think is a waste of time and a boring game. The love bombing you referred to, it can also be an attempt to avoid loneliness but that happens because they have gaslit you to believe you are no one without them.

[@ElmanGuliyev-b5t]

Thanks a lot for this video it’s so helpful ❤

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad you found it helpful ❤️

[@namamadhuram]

Recently I quit friendship of a lady who constantly manipulated me by guilt tripping. Fortunately I had learnt about narcissism, flying monkeys etc. My MIL and BIL always manipulate my husband by guilt tripping him.

[@RAE-homely-fairy-of-the-light]

Whats the difference between a compliment compared to love bomb?

[@terri_cole]

That's a great Q, thanks for asking! It might be helpful to think of love bombing as a pattern of behavior, rather than a one-off thing (like a compliment often is). I would also say typically, compliments are given freely with no expectation of anything in return, whereas love bombing often comes with an agenda. I go into it more in this video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/j32alYObm5iYfbc

[@RAE-homely-fairy-of-the-light]

@@terri_cole Yes thankyou Terri, I see what you're saying here xx

[@probi99]

Are you COUGHING??? Whats wrong with you?? Lol

[@jannamartens9806]

I’ve dealt with a lot of projection this makes so much sense now people putting their insecurities on me . Making me out to be who they are . It’s definitely very sick and manipulative.

[@kimothy996]

Boundary pushing is what makes me angry more than most manipulative tactics.

[@evamussio7533]

Thanks

[@terri_cole]

Thank youuu ❤️

[@fegiluxelifeadvisor22]

Yellow is my favorite color other than green ❤😊

[@jessieeyy908]

Using fear and anger to force a spouse into something that they want them to say or do

[@gloriadonahue7241]

WOW! My cousin's name is Terri Cole.