The 3 Levels of Friendship & How to Spot a One Sided Relationship

Here is a link to the original article I wrote on this: www.claytonarna...
In this video I discuss a framework I've come up with on the types of friendships and relationships I have in my life. This helps me immensely because once I realize which type a given relationship falls into, it can become much easier to manage from an emotional point of view. Without further ado, here is my very own hair brained theory about friends.

[@sksbc3895]

As an INFJ, I crave deep friendships with people who like to philosophize and take the conversation to complex levels... and because I only have so much energy to give/share on a daily basis, I can't spend too much time concerning myself with surface relationships and small talk. On the other hand, someone once told me not to dismiss acquaintances because every one serves a purpose in our lives...maybe business?... so I try to keep that in mind too. Although, networking isn't my thing either.

[@ClayArnall]

yeah it's funny if you ever start your own business, it helps to have some acquaintances to get you started with some clients. So it's not a bad thing to keep in mind.

[@JT-gm4fk]

Sks bc, Infj here...I could not have said that any better. Its been so hard for me to make meaningful friends especially on facebook. I can spot fake a mile away but friendship must be more than a number to me. I've deleted more friends in 2 months than Ive added in 2 years. When a friendship seems one sided, I cut them out. I really don't even keep business friends. My value of a "friend" is too meaningful. I simply cannot give it up.

[@connieyoung4239]

Same. I learned in my late 20's that they could be great professional relationships. It gave me peace actually.

[@greenlover4886]

@sks infj and intp are supposed to make great friends. I haven't met any infj woman yet though. We value the same things in friendships

[@minalily5231]

I have never seen a comment describe my situation so well! INFJ here too. I get disappointed in my friendships and I hate small talk. So like you, I decided to keep good relations, but I decided to stop putting so much efforts/hope in people who stay on surface level.

[@NaenooStew]

Was actually JUST thinking about this. I'm learning to manage my expectations with people so I dont become disappointed, but it's hard because I'm still working on developing my boundaries. Your videos really help me better articulate my thoughts. INFJs unite ✊🏾

[@shoopshoop2399]

I have friends and acquaintances. Most of the people I know are acquaintances. However, I have noticed that I tend to set friendships up where I do all the work to maintain the friendship. Recently, I have begun to make it clear to friends that I expect some reciprocation (I can't always be the one who drives from 45 to 300 miles to see them). If they can't reciprocate, I recategorize them and give in the amount they are able to reciprocate. If I'm in town, if I'm not too busy, I'll visit . . . for an hour or so. I still love them just as much when I see them, but I've managed the resentment of feeling taken advantage of.

[@SSBakes]

As an INFJ myself, I have noticed these patterns early on throughout life and always have trouble distinguishing between whether I'm overanalyzing or actually realizing (so to speak) the different "types" of people and their intentions. This leads me to feel guilty if I instantly want to cut people off when I feel the friendship is one-sided. If I don't cut them off, I end up becoming resentful toward the person because I feel like I'm constantly bending to their will (i.e. planning outings according to their schedule/desires, etc.) Thank you for clarifying that these are indeed the different types of people/intentions-- and we should just categorize them accordingly and manage expectations as others have said.

[@ClayArnall]

thanks for watching :)

[@catherinewylie6959]

As an INFP, I really get this. You put this very well - how I feel about these kinds of things, too. I am learning to just take this kind of person as they are and if it suits me to hang out with them, I do. Otherwise, I keep an emotional distance because otherwise, I am likely to feel resentful and confused. I get that it's a struggle to wonder if I'm overanalyzing or finally realizing. I love that. Thank you.

[@catherineblair550]

if a person is a flake or unreliable it's useless to fight it out. Their words carry no weight.

[@NowIknow24345]

I really needed this video. I think I had a conditional friendship with a co-worker. I thought it was a close friend. I moved and quit the job and ask her to be my reference via text and I never got a reply back. It's heartbreaking, as I thought we were real friends. I have been stuck in an overthinking loop about this for 3 months now. Looking back I think I invested more in her than she did in me. I ignored the red flags.

[@nerysghemor5781]

That’s unfortunate…IMO if I were in that other person’s shoes and I did NOT want to be a close friend, as long as I respected your work ethic and product I would at least be a courteous business colleague and provide the reference. That’s NOT to say this person distrusted you. That’s just how I feel about what is expected from a good business colleague where everything is on the up and up.

[@NowIknow24345]

@@nerysghemor5781 I agree, hence why I felt even more hurt. Because even from a work environment standpoint I was considered a good worker. But yet left hanging after asking for a reference.

[@mikeparez]

Im the friend that was askewd to be a refrence but they never wantra deper relationship and just use you. Not worth it to me

[@Volleyball_Chess_and_Geoguessr]

you don't have to be great friends to give a reference. She sounds like a ___________

[@grumpyschnauzer]

True, True. I always giggled to myself when “friends” introduced me as a “best friend” or “friend”. 😆 Now if I say it... then it holds a deeper meaning, even above family. I have family members that are crappy friends.

[@rosierich6561]

the part that really stinks is we really know what friendship is and when someone proclaims friendship, we take it to heart. I have had people throw me under the bus and then not see the error in that. I do not take the word "friend lightly", I rarely use facebook and methodically think whether people are my friends before I accept any request...

[@LifeDIY]

I have had this happen where I was called a best friend to someone and I was baffled to hear it. It had always been one sided.

[@laceyrosevear]

@@LifeDIY same!!! I have so many people that consider me to be their best friend, but few I call mine. it kind of makes me feel uncomfortable in a sense, because exactly as you have said, some of those have been a friendship of convenience, and do not hesitate to trample on my boundaries, not seeing anything wrong with their actions.

[@it-ke9od]

What's more funny is when you just know they will be your life long friend because you can't imagine life without them, and as soon as the condition changes, they don't contact you ever 😢😢😢😢😢😢😅😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢 it's so sad but I guess jokes on me. Why did I even think that???

[@Mnao07]

1.Deep connection friendships: emotional intimacy, acceptance, you are you with them. 2.Conditional friends: IF...; Mix btw 1 and 2. 3.Gimme-gimme friendship/ business relationships: giver and taker Thank you for this! I am struggling with number 3, I thought they are 1...and now I do not know how to set boundaries. Would be great to see a video on seting boundaries for friends number 3.

[@ClayArnall]

boundaries is on my list of videos to make actually, so good idea :)

[@robertisham5279]

@@ClayArnall So anyone who isn't at that connection and you put expectations on this person. And you don't do what this person wants you to do and he gets angry. Is that the sign of a narcissist?

[@STMARTIN009]

@@robertisham5279 definitely a narcissist

[@laraoneal7284]

I have no real friends period.

[@ms.ruthtoal3179]

Stand in your own power and engage in your own gifted ness and people will gather. I have a recent experience to share that is too much to type here with one finger - yes, I am older - but it proves that by being your OWN person and sharing Details that are KEY to yourself, this approach WILL attract the very same people who resonate with you. .....having another thought: because I hear what is behind your words..... sharing something that really happened to me might help you. And, it would be even sweeter if my new INFJ friend told the story herself, or with me. The point is: the people who will resonate WITH us will be attracted to us IF given the chance. THAT means, each one of us has to SPEAK UP and open up to "the group"..... like Clayton has done. It is BECAUSE he has made this video, among others, that we are all sharing our thoughts in this forum. Please, be kind to yourself and even ASK some one who likes you: "what do I do easily?" ..... "what comes naturally for me?" ..... then EMBRACE THAT (well, as long as it is not illegal, immoral, or unethical that is). ......WHEN you are enjoying you enjoying what moves you: people WILL NOTICE, and you most likely will discover some new friends. New friends need to be cultivated WHILE you are EMBRACING WHAT YOU LOVE. .....apologies for crappy writing..... it's with one finger on a tiny mobile.

[@aliciaacevedo291]

Sadly after hearing this video and analysis of my small “friendship pool” I too am in this boat😥

[@oosterhuisd]

I guess we need to be our best friend!

[@celinesignoret7708]

I love this video. Thank you so much! A year ago my best friend stopped answering my texts and calls. She only contacted me when she needed something. Eventually I got tired of never getting an answer. When I stopped contacting her she didn't try to reach out. Finally I've made the decision to let her go. We've been friends for 14 years, so it has been very difficult. It's like breaking up with someone except the other person has no idea what's going on. 😢😢😢

[@sarahofer4368]

Being an INFJ is never easy. Your videos truly reflect the thought processes of INFJ's and are so incredibly helpful. Thank you for all the great topics and your personal insights. Keep up the good work Clay.

[@ClayArnall]

thank you :)

[@rosierich6561]

This really resonated on a deep level with me. I am stretched too thin often. I'm the go to for family, some friends, co workers, employers etc. On one hand I appreciate being considered or " needed ". I realize the dependable aspect is in me...however, I can and do get taken advantage of. Those who proclaim friendships or relationship know I'm all in when it comes to being an overachiever . I want no one to go without and I want them to know I care so....I do...whatever is needed. The problem is, I'm tired.😕 People pleasing is real! Especially since we're so in tune with the moods and feelings of others....This video and the one on boundaries goes hand in hand. Change will be awkward and uncomfortable. I need to be ok with that. Thank you for the content. God bless💚

[@MariaJin97]

I agree with you, and feel the same about being tired of pleasing a friend only for their schedules, and when I try to come up with something to do, it doesn’t work for them, but when they do it themselves all of a sudden it’s fine to do whatever they want, but I myself get nothing in return... ☹️

[@victoriapalmer5146]

Keep it simple there is true friends and then there is acquaintances which our business in other ways in the general public you meet people. And when I discovered there really is no true friends anymore it's all fake and one-sided I'm in my fifties and I have just learned this in the last couple years I have poured my energy my heart my concerns my compassion and creativity into friendships 2 only later when I stand back and look at those friendships realize they're completely fake and one-sided I wasted my time. Now I'm in my 50s I realize there is no such thing as genuine friends

[@kendraamara6824]

100% accurate....it took me years to learn this. I had acquaintances in school and at 39, I have 2 friends. Everyone before felt kinda fake and only a few I connected with. Which are the 2 I just mentioned and I'm still friends with today. A person that just wants to be around you for you. Not what you have, or can do and etc. Even some of family aren't really my friends because of the "no boundaries" that comes with family a lot of times.

[@nerysghemor5781]

I appreciate that you’re able to express these things without sounding like you are actually judging the viewer for their feelings. You present things in a nuanced way I haven’t seen in a lot of things. You also address the fact that all of these friendship types are actually OKAY when expectations are appropriately managed. TBH there are times I DO have conditions on certain friendships. And I think we need to be honest about what those are with ourselves, and gracious to the other person…not bitter…when the conditions aren’t met. One thing though…I do feel that at least in my case, because I have trust issues from getting burned in the past, I do need to see that a conditional friendship goes well consistently before I mentally drop all of the conditions. I need to know that my effort and trust will not be abused.

[@00000sei]

I wish I watched this before I planned a catch up with some of my friends. It almost got cancelled and I was in tears earlier. I feel better after watching this. I think I'm in a state of denial for a very long time. I feel better now. I know this video is a year old but still, thank you.

[@LoversFriends]

I've learned that I have a " all talk" friend. She talks about what she wants to do and needs and so on. But when the day comes, silence. She is all talk and no actions. I thought she just needed time and get to know me. But 2 years later. Same bs. I'm done and throwing hands. She is definitely the type to cry about her shit all damn day and expect me to do all the plans to hangout. I'm backing out. She wants to be a texting friend, so be it. I already know this will fizzle out. And I'm not sad about it. I actually hope she will move soon (Military family).

[@davidfariello3972]

Sometimes, the narcissist just distances themselves when you question them or stop always validating them, or catering to their interests,or you actually need them for emotional interest. Then, they can’t be interested.

[@christiw7155]

I am so thankful to have found you. I love listening to mature INFJs who encourage others to be the best version of themselves. Thank you for sharing your life experiences and insights. I deeply appreciate you and so wish I could find an INFJ friend/mentor to have deep conversations with. But for now, youtube videos will have to do ❤️

[@ClayArnall]

Thank you for the encouragement :)

[@yeswing10]

Great comment. I feel the same way.

[@cynthialudewig3138]

I enjoy rereading ones about friendship..often helps me understand more about expectations.. Thanks 4 seeing the patterns and sharing them!

[@FeatherFable]

Thank you so much for making this video. I've been friends with someone for about 8 years now, and I used to think she was a deep connection friend. Over the years, it became clear that she was a conditional friend. I still needed someone to help me make sense of it though. Your video helped me gain some clarity. I'll try to set new expectations and figure out how to navigate it in the future.

[@catherinewylie6959]

As an INFP, I really appreciate this. I wonder if some of this is more challenging for the intuitive types. I hate to say it, but I have felt uncomfortable compartmentalizing friends in a way that can help me deal with some of these challenges better, but it seems to work. I thought I was getting very close with a friend who I have known for many years. I realized it's more one-sided when she needs company for something or someone to get support from - and then I barely hear from her and she's suddenly weird about what she's up to when she has to cancel plans. I have backed off substantially and figure if it works out that I want to go do something fun with her, then it will. Otherwise, I don't feel like investing that kind of energy in someone who isn't really growing in certain values. I will save it for other friendships.

[@michaelmancillas9763]

Thanks, I needed this

[@DaHibby]

I love finding gems like these on youtube. I'm currently at a point with a friend I met in college where I felt frustrated that we weren't going up in emotional intimacy. I'd say we're type 2 friends, but because of my frustration sometimes it felt like a type 3 friendship and I felt used. So I have been trying to look and see if people have had similar problems, because until now I didn't have a decent way of putting these feelings into words and kind of just had them which confused me and made me question my own values. Hearing the things you said in this video put me at ease, and I can actually see a course of action to take now. Thanks :)

[@gloriaadu5485]

Thank you sometimes it take a long time to figure out who we are. and to figure out the other person can be very stressful but i will think of all you have said and will see how to apply thanks.

[@emmacarey2949]

Its a really well thought out take on friendships Clay. Everyone can get clarity here with this.thanks

[@ClayArnall]

thanks for the comment :)

[@Gloria-xz7yk]

I have various friendships that are on different levels with each..I don't have a lot of close friends because it seems most want more from me than I get from them. I need healthy connections..spiritually and mentally. I call most people Associates because we connect on certain limits or levels.

[@ccd5942]

Im an infj and I love the Oprah & Gail friendship. I’m still looking for the Gail to my Oprah…. Someone who gets me! I pray the Lord sends me one genuine friend … no cattiness , no shade, no envy, just love , support, encouragement, a listening ear an all around good friend . And I’ll be the same to them.

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

I’m learning SO much about myself by watching your videos. I can’t thank u enough.💪🏻💙

[@kathyhills6860]

Thank you so much for your videos and insights across so many topics. I find something informative in every one of them and you provide tools to be added to my social, emotional, and psychological tool boxes. This video was extremely helpful to me in analyzing my expectations of someone I thought was a Deep Connection Friend. Please keep continue your analyses and observations and keep posting them. I appreciate you and wish you health, happiness, and success in all of your endeavors.

[@jacobbaker4545]

great vid. Helped me a lot to figure out where to place people in my life

[@anthonyorlow8850]

A friend is someone you can trust, on whatever level.

[@princessettedona264]

Wow I just decided last night that I will drop a person I called a friend. When I needed her to get off these things off my mind she just responded with a line and thats it. When just a few days ago, I called her worried of what is going on with her and had to listen to her non stop with everything even though she just repeating everything. I hated when people keeps repeating everything but I have been patient. Last night had been I guess was the last straw. All I needed was someone to listen to me and I guess she one of those who just keeps taking and doesn't want to give. 😥 I think am just unlucky with any kind of relationship so I will just accept that I am better off alone.

[@jfo3000]

It's interesting, the people that don't stop talking and repeat themselves. I know several of them. I experiment with interrupting them, talking over them, interrupting and changing the subject...to see if I can break through. If I can't contribute it can be frustrating, so be it. It's ok to end the conversation.

[@deannabreedlove8123]

Hanging out with people always feels awkward. Im great at masking it but I could never feel comfortable around a group. Do you ever feel like you search for someone to make you feel in a way "safe" but not in just the physical concept but your spirit and your energy feels at ease and safe. Someone who gives the safety to feel calm like water would....so hard to explain i swear. And I feel you on the crazy eyes of oh wow your seriously over thinking this chill out....uhhhhhh I hate that...yet they want to relate and me speak my mind 🤦‍♀️

[@Realtalknewyorkwithjanique]

I have a friend who claims I’m her best friend but she sure doesn’t act like it 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@something93565]

you are a beautiful soul. i greatly enjoyed this, thank you.

[@hejmRage]

You are a blessing, Clay. Thank you!

[@aliciamederos100]

Thank you very much for your great advices. Love your vids.❤️

[@gloria.kolenda]

Very insightful. Thanks

[@toopidipoo1153]

Thx for the video!!! I would like to know if you can make one on how you got started with your KZbin channel or any project that you really really really really wanted to start with. By that I mean something that you really enjoy, that gives a sense to your life, and how you used it to impact other people. As an INFJ, I strive for making an impact on the world. I have lots of ideas, but I can never start my KZbin channel/book/business ideas/etc... because too many ideas come so that I can perfect my work... and I am too much of a perfectionist. I also am scared that it will just be a waste or that it could also crush my ego honestly. I struggle a lot with integrity and discipline (in the area of my life greatest goals and accomplishments). I am extremely sure that the fact that you put such thorough and esthetic videos have asked a tremendous amount of discipline and integrity in you (as an infj). I really admire your work because of how original it is and how you represent it. I do not find any slacking in it. I also deeply admire that touch of yourself in it. It’s hard to explain. Anyways! Thanks and hopefully you share your experience :)

[@ClayArnall]

Yeah I’m not sure. I try to give myself permission to experiment with different things with no expectation of success. A lot of people get stuck in this perfectionist loop where they feel like if it can’t be perfect they’re not going to do that. Throw that out the window and just start. You’ll figure it out as you go. But the key is just to start. And if then later if it doesn’t work, do something else. Let your interest guide you.

[@toopidipoo1153]

Clay Arnall thanks

[@jodieiscool9351]

Great video. Thanks

[@byambatuyadagva1279]

Glad that I found this :)

[@cancelled148]

Im dealing with a conditional relationship..

[@VickyGoss]

I have a friend who is always insanely busy and never get my tests for almost a week later. This person use to be close and then moved into a huge home and has changed. When she finally sends me a text, then it's always something that she needs. We have helped each a lot from both sides but now I am reaching out ( not needy just when it's something really important and need help with something ) well I feel like she loves me as a friend but she isn't contacting me. Example, I had a positive on my colon cancer screening and need to get a test done at the hospital to clarify whether I have cancer or not. I can't even get a ride just 12 miles away because they won't allow you to drive afterward. I have a hard time asking for help anyway, but I have told a few people about this important test and I do get this, " I will be happy to help you if I don't have something scheduled for that day, but I really do want to help. Living in an area where I can't get public transportation, I will have to pay $65.00 one 12 mile trip and another $65.00 back when it's only going to take $6.00 worth of gas to get there. It would be great to have someone to stay long enough to see what my results are. I don't what to come across as needy, I am a loner for the most part and don't make friends easily. I am told by this person , you are family, I love you just like my own family I will be there for you if you ever need a test but then they are not, they stay so busy that nothing else matter but them just spinning a million miles. I am learning that this is a one sided relationship. I will just have to let her go.

[@junegerber4028]

So True!! Thanks!

[@AnnoyedGolfBall-cb9xx]

In my prior marriage with gerakd he was a give me give me. Guy an I'm not asking for anything but what I know is legitimately mine

[@juaremurr1365]

Hey there This comment will probably be buried by other comments, but i might as well try, 'cause i don't have no one to talk to about this right now (also, sorry for my bad english. It isn't my native language, It's 1 am where I live and i can't think straight): I'm starting to realize my best friend and i aren't closer as we used to be and I feel like it's my fault. Its been a long distance friendship since she moved from Columbia to Germany 2 years ago. We kept in touch of course, because i couldn't live without her and i know she felt the same. But i keep fucking everything up. She's been making lots of friends in high school, and that's great, because she was always there for me anyway...but i started getting jealous? I don't know. The only thing i know fir sure is that my anxiety keeps me from texting her, answering her text and calls and just talking to her in general, the thing is i need her so bad and i don't know what the hell is wrong with me. If i felt like a burden to her months ago, I feel like i'm being a whiny bitch now. She doesn't deserve this and It got to the point where I'm no longer sure about whether or not she still cares about me. And if she doesn't, i'm the only one to blame. Sometimes I just stare at her texts and sob my eyes out because i don't know how to reply, what to say...it's been so long since this horrible feeling got over me and I don't know what to do, I suck at socializing and losing her would kill me, i'm such a mess...what can i do? It's like i'm being the one who started this one-sided friendship between us and i feel so guilty and bad about It, it's getting so frustrating because I don't deserve her at all... Thanks for reading, i'm sorry...

[@ClayArnall]

I’m sorry for your pain. High school sucks to be honest. It really does. But I can promise that things get better when you get out. Friendships change a lot as you get older. Better in some ways, harder in others. But it sounds to me like you need some confidence. Try to remember that you’re a useful, strong person that has value and many things to offer. If this friend of yours is messaging you that means she probably recognizes it. So realize your own value and message her back.

[@Indigo_newness]

I'm the same a friend to me is someone I sit at a table with and have a cuppa and can go to at midnight for help or ring..and vise versa

[@KatrinaAglipay]

I can totally relate. Thanks for making this video.

[@gemmalouiserowledge545]

I worry about this alot

[@nicshugar9428]

When person uses me the friendships is over

[@iamjohnporter67]

I had my trust broken too many times by fake friends.

[@claudiuardeleanu1302]

14:09

[@raquellennan1760]

Very informative :)

[@wannabeagoodperson5827]

Conditional friendship really doesn't seem like it's a real friendship....

[@noelznature505]

❤️ brotha!

[@vickkara7641]

It can be so heartbreaking to be invested in a friendship more than the other party. I’ve learned to deal with it (time heals many things) but in the moment, it really hurts. Almost scares me to be in a relationship because the potential heartbreak there is even worse!

[@NightOfCrystals]

I’m going through this right now with a friend of 10 years. It hurts 😢

[@anastasiamyers4073]

It hurts but you can always put done dust ange between you and another person!

[@Shazlii]

I can relate bro 😢

[@Lifeishard237]

I get the whole conditional friendship thing. It just sucks because I feel like everyone gives me conditions and I don’t give anyone else conditions. Like I understand people and I just get them, regardless of whether I like them or not. But when it comes to me I always feel like I have to act a certain way or be a certain way to be accepted. Like I’m naturally an unconditional person and I can’t find people like that.

[@ClayArnall]

yes I know the feeling actually. It's nice when you find somebody that also wants that unconditional friendship.

[@bellasflores3834]

You say exactly how it is for me.

[@robertisham5279]

@@ClayArnall Couldn't we agree that conditional friendships are unhealthy?

[@a.krishna3924]

i know this comment is a year old lol, but when you said you have to act a certain way to be accepted (which I have tendency also), its hard for me to tell whether that thinking is what I conjure myself (as in its my own expectation of myself and no one impose that on me) or its because of other people make me act a certain way to be accepted, what do you think?

[@Lifeishard237]

@@a.krishna3924 hmm well put simply I think ultimately it’s ourselves controlling our actions and behavior but I think our personalities tend to make other people’s criticism or judgement seem like restrictions. Even though we could very well just say “fuck it” and be ourselves. I think I literally despise conflict and aim for social harmony so it feels like I don’t have a choice when that’s the objective for most social interactions you know? Even though of course we do have a choice and always will. It’s just hard to sacrifice peace sometimes. I hate constantly explaining myself and feeling bad just for being myself... so when I get the feeling someone wouldn’t like a certain facet of my personality I just hide it. To my own demise usually. Recently I’ve gotten better at just letting go of people I feel the need to walk on eggshells around. Totally recommend.

[@prophecyrevelations5653]

I've learned to be my own best friend there is one person I know for a fact I can satisfy... and that is in ME. Outside of that I don't even try. Happy now😁

[@HoustonJohnson31]

I can’t stand people who tell others their there best friend but their actions speak differently

[@PoppinDan]

🤔🤔.... Man this really makes me think. It's quite enlightening as well..... I'm loving these videos

[@ClayArnall]

thanks for the encouragement.

[@cup_o_TMarie]

Make deep connections, not deep attachments. ENFP here & you have no idea how VALUABLE this video has been for me💝🙏Expectations indeed👏👏 Being my OWN bestie has definitely solved the majority of this for me. I’ve struggled with this for years because I’m not into surface relationships. Yet I understand that some relationships aren’t like that & can even have more of a “business” vibe. Kind of more transactional. I had to build my personal strength & self love to a point where I truly don’t need other people to hold me up & they are NICE to have in my life, not absolutely NECESSARY.

[@infinitelove9368]

You spoke exactly my mind Clay. I am so grateful that you made this video, because I thought it was just me that thinks like this, and maybe I am overanalyzing. I recently decided to catagories my friends into different levels, exactly how you explained it. Recently I had to slam the door on a friend. She would call me her "best friend" and expected me to behave like her best friend, and when I was having a difficult time, she barely behaved like an acquaintance. I was intuitively sensing this issue from the beginning of our friendship but just wasn't sure, but with time, she proved I was right. I have another friend that pretends to have the "deep-connection" friendship with me, but behaves very shallow and diplomatic. I removed her from the deep catagory and placed her into the shallow catagory so I know what to expect from her and how to behave with her. Very useful video! Thank you!

[@ClayArnall]

thanks for the comment :) I guess I never really got into when to 'door slam' people in this video, but yeah, I fully agree it's best to get rid of toxic people.

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

Infinite Love I am in the SAME place! Catagories help me determine how much energy/heart to pour into that person.

[@JamesNakasoneHuangCareer]

I am glad I am not alone as we do have people have the mind like Clay.

[@Anne.....]

@@ClayArnall Yes, actually I would find it very helpful with some examples of when to "slam the door". I find it difficult to discern when thing are unacceptable, because I tend to question myself in stead.

[@Tcgrande77]

Great content. I am so done with being a kind person and a giver to people who do not deserve it. People gravitate to me because of my positive energy and my willingness to give. They only come around when it benefits them.... it's hurtful, and I am not going to allow myself to be used. For example my skills as personal trainer (one person just acting like my friend to get me to train them regularly for free) or me being the one who pays for meals and food (I work in a family owned restaurant). Unless I am giving, they are non existent. I don't want people like that in my life.... they act like friends, but are complete users. I don't want them as business associates or anything else. I'd rather be alone than surrounded with superficial assholes. I no longer need validation from these kind of people.... I know my worth, and I know that I am loyal friend.

[@dannyhensley1100]

Nailed it Teresa! Your not alone. 🤗

[@woldoseroldofoldo]

❤

[@TheCosmicGypsy]

Yet again ANOTHER video on the exact topic that is causing conflict and concern in my life. The timing that you release these videos is so serendipitous it's worthwhile. Thank you again this week for a much needed message. Much love!!

[@danisa3125]

For me, the most heart breaking realization of conditional friendships was when I lost 70 lbs and had lasik. My ‘friends’ were nowhere to be found. I stopped getting invites and likes on my photos. 🤔🤔

[@morganophelia5963]

That's shitty to do to someone .... Congrats 🎉 on your weight loss .

[@robertisham5279]

They were never really your true friends to begin with.

[@victoryamartin9773]

What? Aren't those good changes? Why would your friends leave after these great self-improvements? I think I'm missing something here.

[@oceanah7317]

Loved this video! The topic of friendship levels has been on my mind a lot and it's awesome to see another fellow Infj talk about this. After watching, I realize I have been subconsciously testing a friend of mine to determine what level our relationship is, as i'm not sure exactly where we are at right now. It is so true as well, claiming someone to be your friend is different to each person. you're great, keep these videos coming!

[@kf-od5vn]

You're my favourite infj💛 Absolutely love all your videos, they're really helpful. Keep 'em comin! :)

[@xyzxyz777-b1s]

I attract a lot energy vampires because my empathetic nature starting this year I stop listening and providing solutions to people who can't help themselves. I am very successful and a giver I often would ended up attracting people who take, take and take some more. I spent all last year how to evolved from being kind to energy vampires I am taking my power back they give nothing. but misery. Living a very peaceful life now.

[@lisaoswald4629]

Realistic expectations based on a fuller understanding of where people fit into your life. Love how you have articulated this in such a concrete way. Thank you!

[@emmacarey2949]

As an infj woman, I didn't do friendships with girls with ease along the way because 9 out of 10 it involved adopting inauthentic enthuasiam about 'girlie' stuff. just because I wasn't as enthralled about mabellines latest product or fashion conscious,I lost a good chunk of girlfriends in my twenties, because I couldnt devote hours of my time on these topics. So it was very draining to try and fit that mold...I'm girlie, but not to the extent my life revolves around it. I think I read somewhere that the female infj can be a little more masculine in the mind, so that didn't help lol. Friendships are tricky...full of hidden expectations way up in the unconscious. Divine friendships are pure perfection.you can be your most authentic self in this dynamic and it's harmonious and knows no boundaries.

[@connieyoung4239]

Same but I am not not girlie at all. I prefer to hang out with guys they seem to better match my style and hobbies. I have given up on friendships with women its not worth it to me to be inauthentic to myself and i don't have to filter everything I say. I have 1 female bf who is awesome outside of that women and I are like oil and water. I am ok with it though.

[@altNaleyForever]

Same I always was a bit of a "Tomboy" as a kid not that I didn't like being feminine or felt masculine but I valued the comfort and practicality of t-shirt and shorts over a skirt when it comes to being a kid and playtime. Mum always tried to push dresses and pink which wasn't my colour and eventually gave up and just let me be. I still played with barbies/dolls, I still played dress ups with jewellery and such but also liked LEGOs and dinosaurs especially since I grew up with a brother. As I got older into teens I related more to the carefree nature of the guys over the drama riddled one of the girls. After I got older again I have slowly gravated back to preferring the company of girls once they mature past the bitchy stage I enjoy the more comforting and nurturing nature and I guess what is the compassionate nature that men unfortunately keep a rather hostile and aggressive nature and don't seem to change that much at this phase of my life, as well as the carefree nature turns into more risk orientated I notice they are more willing to gamble with a dangerous situation and excercise less caution. I can appreciate both genders for what they bring to the table and based on the needs in my own life cycle.

[@liabw05]

And with boundaries as well... 😉

[@emmacarey2949]

@@liabw05 boundaries are essential until one is healed, then you have to put down your weapons/guard and help others get there. Having said that, you may end up infuriating people who have no negative effect on you if that is their intention, to draw you out, and they may go deeper into a rage against you, in which case a reintroduction of a temporary boundary is needed until 'the other' takes back their need of you in any capacity. If you're superhuman you will sustain abuse with no boundary and that's the christian goal. To sustain and seek salvation in the face of all trials.

[@Wwjd4u2]

Me too on the makeup idolizing..I am low maintenance on makeup so someone else spending lots of time and money on makeup baffles me.

[@vivalagraces]

I wish you were my friend

[@DiscoveryWonders]

Here are my thoughts even tho probably no one will read it lol: One sided relationship is the worst. Codependent people or anxious attachment style can also be needy but also extremely giving. Also borderline disorder and fearful avoidant attachment style people can be very needy, very giving to a high degree but then very very dismissive(FA) or angry (BD). One sided friendships are the worst especially if the understanding is not mutual and people treat you like their psychologist or advisor or want your good energy for themselves whenever they need you - and when they don’t you don’t even exist.

[@k.l.8804]

I recently realised someone I thought was my friend only was my colleague. I mean we are colleagues, but we were spending time outide work too and sharing personal things, basically as deep friends. Not just me, she was sharing too. For a year and a half. And then the Corona pandemic broke out. I got sick, and instead of helping me (which I expected from our previous interactions) she just dropped me. We hade just had collegial interaction via zoom since then. I met her irl last week, and we kept strictly to work topics ... Not a single speck of personal... I am both dissapointed and horrified by her behaviour... And realise that during our friendship she was very much the gimme gimme type... I did often feel used, that she would snatch work things from me...ask for it to be fair.. and I was so perplexed she even could ask such a thing that I didn't know how to say no... Yesterday we had a workshop (with other colleagues too) and I mentioned a new tool I had been using. Later she e-mailed me and wanted to see me to know more about that tool... Yup. Gimme gimme indeed... I'm really hurt and dissapointed... I feel beteayed... She was poryraying herself as a drep connection friend while being a conditonal and gimme gimme "friend" all along... Its the deception that hurts... If she hadnt faked real friendship to begin with I would have upheld boundaries... But she sneakily removed boundaries by pretending to be a true friend, thus using me... It's pretty disgusting... So now that I know of course I wont let her get to me anymore.. But I'm usually good at seeing through people so I'm really aghast at thr idea of having shared so much personal things with someone I thought was my friend but apparently isnt... ☹️

[@barbarawarren9443]

Love it - "I could just stay at home and never leave." Quarantine is bliss is many ways! 😃

[@pauladuncanadams1750]

I haven't spoken to many people about that, but yes, to have an excuse not to see family has definitely been a plus.

[@STMARTIN009]

I always text people in my phone contact list Merry Christmas as I don't have social media as social media is fake. This past Christmas as an experiment I didn't text some people and lo and behold they didn't text me Merry Christmas. Those people are not true friends they are aquaintances. If you are always initiating contact and the other person doesn't lift a finger for you don't bother staying in touch. No one is so busy where they can't send a simple Hi how are you or Happy Holidays text to you. Cut those people out. Also for business contacts don't expect more than business.real friends take but also give back.

[@madz7567]

Thanks for this, Clay! Especially when trying to make friends as an adult (and I feel like the pandemic was just an especially wild ride for relationships), I'm finding it challenging sometimes to make the transition from a "work friend" or a "school friend" to an "actual" friend (Type 1 by the way you describe). I've found I'm often the one putting in the effort when the original circumstances have changed. It's tough out there, but hopefully there are other people looking for that type of connection!

[@remnant1018]

This confirms so much of what I’ve experienced over the past 19 years. Smh. People have told me I’m over-analyzing but I always felt like there was something more to what I was seeing than just me “not getting people”. No, I really do think there are different types of “friendships” - now that I see somebody else out here experiencing the same thing as me - and I think it would behoove me to treat each like what it is instead of treating everybody like a friend friend just because the other person says we’re “friends”. Way too much disappointment the way I’ve been going. Way too many discrepancies. Thank you for posting this.

[@ChristopherWaddelow]

Conditional relationships are super spooky because I want to have a never have them, but nobody has the time to invest in everyone they meet. It becomes a scary game of trying to find and invest into the people that will actually become a long term friend,

[@annarehbinder7540]

Personally if you are friends with nerds ( me being one) I wouldn’t see calling or activly engaging, pursuing a relationship weekly or even monthly as a measure of the deepness of friendship . Have friends which I perhaps see once or twice a year but when we meet we talk philosophy, life and everything deep for hours or days. They are the ones who took me in when I had a really threatening ex and had to hide, with risk to themselves and their families. They are the ones who I’ve helped through abortions, hospital visits, family illnesses and just tuesday. It’s not a competition. Though one of the most disappointing things were when I had something really great happen and one of the people I’d really supported went thats’s just because of your class and background and totally took away my feeling of look what I finally did. Guess I’m going to have to talk about that. It hurt! It was obviously easier to be my friend when I needed and gave support rather than oh shiny! Yes I guess they had a crappy period but that doesn’t mean..

[@ddwow566]

This video was a god send thank you. I was spiraling

[@baileyab47]

This seems like a really helpful and freeing tool and perspective. It aligns with my gut feelings about a friend of mine.

[@SandraNunez-vz8hc]

I sat back for a year to see if people would come see me and no one came.

[@noellenichols6585]

This is amazing, the comment about leaving a religion and loosing friends, made me wonder if this was from a personal experience or something you've seen. The personal experience you share, is my life! Thanks for preparing these videos.

[@ClayArnall]

Everything was from personal experience really :)

[@susanakapri9351]

I never had a deep connection friend. I left Christianity behind a couple of years ago and lost all of my 'friends' it was awful. Even tho, even before me leaving the relationship with them wasn't the best. I started to stray and just realize my place wasn't there. Realizing i am an INFJ really helped, trying to just get better knowing myself. Thank you for all your wise advice!

[@Sugarplum704]

This was very helpful because I have been at a crossroad with several friendships over the past year and a half, and as an INFJ I struggled with my inability to make deeper connections with some people. I’ve since learned how to either move on or move forward in the appropriate way depending on the level of friendship I had with a particular person. It’s comforting to feel understood and that my feelings were valid. I’m so thankful for this type of content 😊

[@remnant1018]

I keep seeing this acronym in the comments. What is IFNJ? In future😑🤔need jello😧?

[@mikeparez]

You cant build a friendship with someone who constantly leaves you on delivered/read for days/weeks and only seems to reach out because of boredom

[@wildangel4452]

Needed this. I used to only want type 1 friendships. Now, other than toxic gimme people, i just meer people where they are. If its worth my energy

[@Lee82295]

Just stumbled across this video. I have a friend well I'm not sure if we're acquaintances at this point. She doesn't make much of a effort to keep the friendship going. I have to text her to check in or to hangout. She used to text me every 3-5 days if she hasn't heard from me but stopped that months ago. She has a husband who has health issues she has to tend to so I know that takes up her time. But feel like she's pushing me away & doesn't want anything to do with me due to her lacking effort in the friendship. Not sure if I should hang on to her to just stop reaching out to her & let the friendship die on its own. I know she's exhausted dealing with her husband everyday but it's also exhausting for me to keep the contact going with her. It makes things tricky too since we're also neighbors. Any advice?

[@aquariusstar7248]

This was really helpful. I read an article about this years ago but the categories were a little different--I guess more functional. It was a good article, but your categories are a bit more refined--defining the nature of the exchange--material, mental or emotional--is another way to look at it. I had to learn the hard way about forcing type 1 relationships. I thought everyone wanted that. Some folks can't go there at all because they can't get in touch with themselves. Yet there are some who simply don't feel that way with YOU. I used to get offended but now I accept it because there are people who want to have type 1 relationships with me but i dont feel comfortable with them.

[@Winner1-c2u]

I have had similar experiences. Keep people in their appropriate lane. Thank you for your video.

[@falmustafa6851]

A mark of intelligence is trying to decipher the essence of specific connection. INFJs/empaths somehow have openness that might not invite best results for them on human/health level. So pausing (reflecting) and think about friendship as concept > is truly healthy for them to get the meaning so they never expect or fall into that subconscious obligatory conditions .. It also makes them reevaluate some networks - and be clear about the exchanges that happens.. their Fe requires them to go to Ni as you do to make sense of concepts so there is balanced approach Despite our introversion, we are good connectors not in classical way but by the power of openness and honesty we invite in the exchanges we have - and ppl leaning into us by opening up Thanks for putting that out Clay- glad I came across you .. you have been popping up in my YT feed but I was fighting that analytics to force me to see things based on what I was searching for 😂😂😂 Good luck and keep it up 👍🏻

[@JackieNicole35061]

I thought I had a deep connection friendship but once I graduated college I realized it was a conditional friendship and it eventually ceased to exist because it became one sided.

[@christinagreaves7932]

No body has the title of best freind now for me , ive been let down too much and i get disapointed , so now i just have people i see , some mean more to me though, but i dont need loads of people

[@deejayfarrell]

Thanks for taking the time to make this video! It's a lot of healthy validation on this concept. A few years ago I started reading about boundaries and it's been enlightening concerning this exact concept of different levels of friendship. One of the books stated that "You should never automatically extend trust to anyone. You wait till you have a track record to see if their words line up with their actions and you don't have any negative gut feelings. Then you know more who you're dealing with. I came from some young programming that said it was my job to "Think the Best of Everyone." That was brain damage until I rewired myself. The analogy I came up with that's really helped me is this. I have a metaphorical house that has a Kitchen ( close, trust worthy friends that I feel a connection to and I don’t have to be guarded around them.). It has a dutch door where the bottom stays shut but top half is open. On the outside of this dutch door is where people I keep people that I need to be slightly gaurded around or just don't feel as much as a connection to. Then there's a white picket fence around the houses yard. There are people that I need to keep on the outside of the picket fence. And the enlightening thing is "we only have time for a handful of close friends that fit in our kitchen". Only so many people can fit in the kitchen metaphorically speaking. So there's a natural balance once you understand the concept!

[@csalin7327]

What the hell is an INFJ ?

[@beckyhervey7291]

I am SOO glad I found this video. I feel like you have summed everything up so perfectly. And when you said at the beginning categorising helps you emotionally! I ABSOLUTELY DO THIS AND IT WAS INCREDIBLE TO HEAR SOMEONE ELSE VOCALISE IT IN THE WAY YOU DID! Thank you so much 🙏🏽

[@norwardradtke1361]

I’ve been struggling to understand conflicts with my oldest friend since we were 6. They don’t and can’t do the deep thing. I think I just need to move them into type 2

[@somethingaboutnay6019]

I need to invent a new life cause I clearly have no friends...I've felt this way for a while and its time I welcome change by not fully pleasing others and instead surround myself with those who make me happy and are actually in my life for me...and those who I can care for in a healthy way