The Best Lesson I Ever Learned (about working with dissociation)

[@KKKK-ld9wb]

I have found that therapists who take the time to really develop a sense of safety in our relationship are the most helpful to me. If I have safety in the relationship, I feel like everything else flows. If I don’t have a sense of safety, I stay in a place of jittery terror, and nothing much is coming out of that therapeutic process.

[@olivefusse483]

My therapist didn’t specialize in DID and searched for someone to help but couldn’t find anyone - so they studied and learned about Dissociative disorders to be able to work with me. I’m so lucky and grateful for them. And I’ve learned so much from your videos - thank you for all your excellent info!

[@indigo.and.dissociation]

Safety, consistency and development of trust in the relationship have been the best predictors for successful outcomes for us as a system - and that's for any type of therapeutic work in general, even if DID/trauma isn't the focus. Unfortunately, the need for safety and trust is often misunderstood and too often is viewed through the lens of being needy/dependent, which then pushes professionals to do the very opposite of what is actually conducive to most effective/helpful support, in our experience anyway. We do keep trying to be open, but if the safety isn't there, it's difficult! Thanks for sharing your tips for the many professionals out there who may come across a system 😊✨🌸

[@luticia]

On the money!!! I had so many therapists who mixed my need of safety with dependency and and in a result they got totally strict and cut of their help. They thought they had to use DBT in is strictest way which was so harmful for us. In my opinion every system works different and needs different things. That‘s because every system has developed of a different background. What helps for one system destroys maybe the another. Therefore it‘s very important to have a therapist who can adapt their way of therapy to the needs of a system.

[@butterflyb.9135]

​@@luticia...ja so ging es mir gerade bei einem drei monatigen Aufenthalt in einer Traumaklinik zur Traumakonfrontation.. Starres beharren auf DBT. Es war so enttäuschend. Alle arbeiteten mit meinem Funktionsmodus, andere Anteile waren unerwünsch,hielten sich deshalb bedeckt und eine Konfrontation hat nicht funktioniert. Ich habe partielle Dissoziative Identitätsstörung

[@luticia]

@@butterflyb.9135 Das tut mir sehr weh zu hören! Ich kann Dein Leid total nachfühlen. Haben mehrfach die selbe Erfahrung machen müssen. Insbesondere für jüngere Anteile kann die Ablehnung und der Ruf nach dem funktionierenden Anteil retraumatisierend sein. Ich hoffe, es war Euch möglich, Euch von dieser Erfahrung zu erholen und Euch einen therapeutischen Platz zu erarbeiten, wo Ihr ALLE existieren dürft???

[@itisdevonly]

@@luticia I had a similar experience with my first therapist (who practiced CBT). I prioritized the relationship and feeling safe, because I instinctively knew that that was what I needed. And he was actually doing a pretty good job of making me feel safe, initially (but I needed a lot of safety before I would fully let my guard down). Unfortunately, I was honest about this being my priority, and he took that as me being "distracted" by my attachment to him and then dropped me as a client. It was really sad, because I was actually beginning to trust him before that (which was how I managed to be honest with him about my feelings and priorities in the first place). Then losing him triggered me and retraumatized me. Not helpful.

[@luticia]

@@itisdevonly Your experience really touched me. It makes me so very sad. I totally feel your needs, emotions and hurt. I wish that although you was retraumatized by him, you‘ll be able to trust another person in the future. I wish that you‘ll experience the feeling of safety!!!!

[@lindadunn8787]

Yeah. From a client's point of view, therapists come and therapists go for countless valid reasons. I entered my most recent therapeutic relationship with a therapist whose expertise is not in a therapy I use in my personal work. She's an astute and respectful listener and after nine months of monthly in-person sessions interspersed with some telephone sessions, I'm finding myself choosing with greater confidence and effectiveness what to bring to the therapeutic space. Your videos are a valued asset. Thank you. I'm thinking sharing a list of which KZbin content creators I use for instruction will be helpful. Again, thank you. It's good feeling better more often and having measurable progress to show for my efforts.

[@thectadclinic]

That sounds really helpful, the list is a solid idea. Glad you found someone who works with you!

[@robynparkinson9347]

I wonder whether the more attachment or developmental trauma there is, the more this is true... by far my best results are with a body-aware therapist who is focused on our therapeutic relationship (I dissociate a lot but no specific disorder). Anyone with a specific modality was a dangerous failure for me. Took me a year sadly to work this out. Really wish more health practitioners of all kinds whatsoever placed greater value on the relationship. Thank you so much for this video, I'll quote it in the book I'm writing.

[@thectadclinic]

I think so yes, the relationship in therapy and the background of attachment trauma are intrinsically linked, and also fragile.

[@lynnedavidson4772]

Took years to find a therapist who didn't start from a point of trying to find the problem but rather let me take several years to find me. Now that we've found her, she has just begun to talk about what might be considered 'the problem', or rather the experiences, traits, and life circumstances that became problematic. Definitely establishing a sense of safety, by not putting anything off limits, allowing re-exploration of issues from different angles, and an openness to trust what was essentially a very young child to lead him back through a path of personal history with constant encouragement and affirmation. I've always had someone who wanted me to be going forward, which, if you think about it, is rarely the best path. Allowing detours and exploration helps find the best route forward, even if it means occasionally backtracking or picking up a previously abandoned path. Thank you for helping to reinforce the importance of the relationship, not the method.

[@StewartCoad]

Other videos go for an hour or more, are full of waffle, cover more than one topic and are draining to watch. Where as Your Videos are excellent, as they only go for about 10 minutes, cover one topic and you get straight to the point without a lot of waffle and give clear easy to understand explanations. I have been looking for answers to my Mental health issues for nearly 40 years and it is only this year that I learnt about OSDD and from watching your videos, it fits me like a hand in a glove. When watching some of them I am so stunned by what you are saying that I have to pause the video while I take it all in. You articulate what I experience far better than I can. Just as a fish does not know that water is wet, because that is all it experiences, I do not know what it is like to exist without OSDD, as I have had it all my life and so it is hard to explain to someone without it what is going on for me. What would be really great, is if you would make a video about how someone without DID or OSDD experiences the world, how are their Inner worlds and Outer worlds different to mine, how do I explain the difference to them in a clear simple way that they will understand ? Almost like an OSDD beginners or basics video. If you know that such a video already exists will you give me the link to it ? Many thanks Stewart

[@itisdevonly]

"What would be really great, is if you would make a video about how someone without DID or OSDD experiences the world, how are their Inner worlds and Outer worlds different to mine, how do I explain the difference to them in a clear simple way that they will understand ? Almost like an OSDD beginners or basics video." I would love to see this too.

[@thectadclinic]

Hi Stewart, Many thanks for such a wonderful message. The question you posed has been asked of me before, and I actually go through this in a lot of therapy sessions. Happy to oblige on here1 I will ask via community for specifics.

[@imjustjules]

I saw a DID specialized therapist and it didn’t work out because I didn’t feel safe with her. I look for a very specific personality in a therapist and that seems to work for us. This video was very reassuring of the decision we just made. Our new therapist is AuDHD and does Somatics, but is also eclectic, which we need to have more options. We realized we needed a fellow ND provider who understood autism better, which creates way less social misunderstandings. We know this to be true.. that the relationship is the most important piece of therapy. But we’ve had so much trouble finding a provider who is direct, authentic, funny, and just puts being a person in the room before their role of therapist. We struggle with people who are high masking and almost come to work in a specific part that does the job. It really dysregulates our system. We’re so glad we found someone and want to be patient and give it time. We had a long term therapist with the personality traits we listed above and we feel it made a huge difference in our relationship. Hopefully this next therapist is our long term one. Thank you so much for this important reminder. ❤

[@alittlespacetime]

Thank you for this video and for highlighting the importance of building trust and a strong therapeutic relationship with the internal system. I especially appreciate your point about utilizing different methods to tailor the therapeutic experience to each patient's unique needs. It’s so important that therapy is not one-size-fits-all, but rather grounded in dignity, respect, and care. Your perspective really resonates and reminds me how vital it is for therapists to remain flexible while following structured treatments. Thank you for the thoughtful and compassionate approach you bring to this work.

[@thectadclinic]

I really appreciate this, we try so hard to be centred on the person/system we see. We are all highly trained and experienced, but sometimes the skill (or the 'art') is knowing when to put the intellectual knowledge to one side and focus on what is needed first. Flexibility and creativity!

[@duerremueller3609]

YES!!! Rapport is huge, especially for those of us who have experienced severe forms of trauma.

[@thectadclinic]

I think that is what the message was saying as well - 'be careful, listen first, because we've been hurt'.

[@hollyrapose]

I couldn't agree more. I attended a webinar on dissociation today and someone argued with the facilitator about which evidence based modalities are the most effective (for the purpose of funding government services) I wish i could have sent them this video!

[@ichi_san]

I respect that. Focusing more on the person instead of all the stuff in the books. I wish my health teams did this too T-T I did have one therapist though who tried to keep an open mind even when nothing I said made any logical sense, which was great

[@9crutnacker985]

I've interacted with a couple of therapist/psychologist online re autism and many more autistics who've had the same & that's - i've got xyz years in practice, I've got xyz number of qualifications - and worst of all xyz study says autistics do this or that and you're lived experience counts for squat. I've recently had my own 1st experience with a clinical psychologist/therapist (re cancer treatment) & she was brilliant at establishing that rapport and which translated into actual practical help. It did help that I clocked her as ND early on (& she later admitted she thought she is). When I 1st came to this channel it was very apparent to me that cared greatly for your clients and that you Listened to them. I continue to recommend you to people in the online groups I'm in.

[@esmeekmphs]

I’m very lucky to work with a very experienced psychologist. She has 20 years of experience with trauma and dissociative disorders. I follow a DBT program alongside individual therapy to learn skills I’ve never learned. Skills I need(ed) to stabilise.

[@jessqinn7702]

Thank you for this. Really interesting to hear about, and as I’m hearing it, makes a WHOLE lot of sense. And reinforces that I’m not stupid lol that it is important to feel safe in the therapeutic relationship in order to have a base to work from regardless of the modality. Thank you.

[@thectadclinic]

And that safety is hard earned, easily lost. Caution and care are a good guide!

[@CreativeArtandEnergy]

It makes sense - at the core of the process is the attunement need. The relationship aspect is the foundation of that.

[@thectadclinic]

100% this.

[@sad_doggo2504]

I have found that it's counterproductive to rush in and try to fix things, definitely. But that's a very hard thing to get away from, because it's just a normal response to have!

[@thectadclinic]

I agree, and I am a great "want-to-fix-it" person - just ask my wife! The need for this has to be ushered to one side as needed...

[@lilithwhite2982]

Interesting, we just had a conversation with our T about how some of us feel unwelcome by them as they exclusively work through the adult self. We found when we switch if it's noticed and the one who is out is talked to, we get to know them, and that's helpful Our T refused and suggested we go to somonelce.

[@DIDBooks-n-Research]

Well explained.

[@thectadclinic]

Thank you!

[@Yk-qe8dz]

I got a question for you if I may ask, I recently gone through an evaluation because I was beginning to suspect an OSDD since one of what I started to believe to be a part me needed a clear answer to our situations, and the results were kinda meh to be honest. I won't blame the therapist who did my evaluation since I personally believe he did a good job, but could it be that most therapist/psychologist who aren't well-informed into those kind of dissociative may not think of their clients as one part/alter who came to them? They acknowledge I had Parts, and that it looked like a lot like an OSDD, but since I didn't displayed or talk about any "suffering" as they say in my day to day life, I didn't qualify for it. Which in a sense I'm fine with it since my goal was to dissipate the "Am I imagining things up" doubts, but with judging how my weeks has gone and how it shook things up there, I can help but wonder if there is a possibility that they mistook a fonctionning alter has being a "whole" person? There's parts of me who didn't felt seen at all, and since everything feels like we had chosen a spokesperson to explain our situation to them, I cannot help but wonder if having an alter who didn't/ don't have access to the said distress/suffering would have been able to show said distress. I'm still in the discovery phase and maybe I'm just trying to convince myself in some way that it is definitely an OSDD for some reason, but with how my week has gone since the evaluation there's no way that there was no "suffering"/distress there. So I guess my last question would be: Could an alter with no signs or access to said distress during an evaluation be a trap in which, an inexperienced therapist with those kind of disorder, may fall into? This is kind of a long and specific one I'm guessing, but I would love to hear/read your take on this since I can't help but feels that this is what happened for ourselves. Thank you for reading, and I hope that you can forgive my usage of we if I'm not allowed to do so, but it is becoming hard to not use it and I'm tired fighting my own language every time this come up. May you have an excellent day, and thank you again for all the time and effort you put into thos video. It is as always, really informative ❤

[@thectadclinic]

Th is for the comment, obviously I can’t comment on specifics, but am interested to know whether an assessment measurement tool was used?

[@Yk-qe8dz]

@thectadclinic I do not know, are they supposed to be noticeable or shown in some way or form? All I know is that we were going there to show what made us think we may have an OSDD. It was mostly us describing what led me to those appointments and how we dealt with everything that happened this far. We drew pictures, showed our observations, and talked about all the introspection we did about our situation without going into self-diagnosis territory since I know pretty well the danger of it. I was there to explain what I noticed about myself this past year and nothing more. I've always dealt with myself before, but with the fear of this being only a product of my imagination this was my way to dissipate those doubts I guess. There were only some questions to clarify things coming our way or some specific questions that they used to narrow down the possibility they had in mind. I do not know if this helps, but I figured that giving you more context about what happened from my side may give you some inklings at how this situation has gone. On the four appointments we had, I would say that there was only one of them worth questions used to narrow down the possibility they had in mind, and I don't know if this counts as a measurement tool. It feels like, since my objective was to go there to dissipate those nagging doubts of whether or not I was imagining all this before accepting any of this, it has come to bite me in the end, hence why my question: is there a possibility that an alter can present themselves in a way that showed no distress nor have access to it during an evaluation, cause as soon as I got out of there things were different on that side and even worsen during this week. I do not know if this helps answer the question, or if it is able to give you hindsight of what's going on behind my questions, but I needed to let it out with this rambling of mine. Thank you again for reading Edit: I'm not looking for a diagnosis in particular as it doesn't change the fact that this is something I have to deal with regardless of what label it has. There's things going on right now, and it freaked me out when it all started, but if there is one thing that I learned throughout the last 5 years or so, it is to concentrate on what it is more than what it could be. I needed an answer, and I got the one I was looking for. It ain't easy, there was a lot of new coming that seems to have unlocked since then, but those reactions I got within me throughout the week have made this clear, I'm not alone in there and I don't intend to go back into denial. It is still manageable even though I feel like I'm relearning a lot of new stuff when approaching my day to day life, and I don't even talk about emotions I never had before, but it beats feeling numb, and I don't intend to let those parts down now that they have decided to show themselves. Whatever name it has it doesn't change anything to what is happening right, nor what I have to do to help myselves get better. It is just a shame that I felt like there was only one side of the story that had been heard during those evaluations, and brushed off as "someone with parts". To be clear I'm not blaming my therapist for that, I can sort of get how they came for this conclusion, and it may still be true who knows, I'm not in the place to decide that, but since the only thing that didn't fit the criteria of an OSDD according to them, was that I didn't show any "suffering" and that there was no way this part of myself would have been able to tell about this side of the story within the framework it had, it really made me think if this could not be some sort of trap a therapist should be aware of. As far as I understood, this is a disorder that can take a long time to diagnose, and for reasons, but I'm wondering if there could not be a time where an alter may be mistaken as a whole person and hinder those diagnostic early on since a lot of them can perform really well in their day to day activities.

[@thectadclinic]

@@Yk-qe8dz The simple answer is yes, a part can 'hide' feelings, dissociation is all about that. Many folks who dissociate appear 'fine', it is all the other cues and information gained from the structured assessment that show this may not be the actual case. If a tool was used, you would have seen it (like the SCID-D, MID or TADS)

[@Yk-qe8dz]

@thectadclinic I see, then it looks like I didn't get one of those. Thanks for your answer, and may you have an excellent day!

[@itisdevonly]

Caveat to say I'm not formally diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure I have OSDD or P-DID. I absolutely have alters that show up to therapy like everything is fine (they don't carry the trauma, so they're not suffering), and it completely masks the other alters who are suffering and struggling, because they _are_ carrying the trauma. It can make therapy incredibly useless, because the parts that need the therapy won't show up for it, while the ones that do show up don't need it. And it's not at all uncommon for a therapist to mistake my functioning alters for me as a whole person. It takes a lot of time and building of trust and rapport before any of my more vulnerable alters will show themselves to another person. Most therapists never get to that point. I've only had a few therapists ever get to see my other alters. Based on their reactions, it was pretty clear that these were very distinctive alters and they could tell as much.

[@pensidosyroconesyava]

Go away from following manual instructions; Another competent suggestion for professionals and one simple reason why me as a consultant may be reluctant to continue therapy or even start is they can’t think on the box where they live in (my ND mind never been able to think inside that box if that makes any sense)

[@lillieemery]

this is why psychologists are getting it wrong. it does matter. so much.

[@janey890]

I think I was influenced by the same expert through experience 😊

[@thectadclinic]

I hope you were too, amazing person!

[@katrinabongi6295]

I'm still searching for a therapist. I believe I have dissociative identity disorder, but have never seen a therapist before. I don't know what type of therapist to choose. I was thinking of a therapist who treats childhood trauma, since that is part of my history but should I search for a therapist that treats DID, as well?

[@luticia]

Oh dear, this will be a difficult task. There are so many therapists who claim to have knowledge about DID while in reality they‘ve had only one patient so far. There are two types of therapists. One that denies existence of DID and one that just doesn’t know how to treat people with DID in a right way. Most of them treat them with strict rules of DBT that can be harmful to some DID patients like me/us for example. Please search very carefully and if you can then listen to the opinion of your alters if you see a therapist for the first time. E.g. if one alter feels that this therapist is a narcissist, listen to her/him and go. I had several bad therapists who hurt our system in a very severe way. Actually look for a therapist that treat ALL of your alters with respect and a welcome attitude and that has the ability to adapt her therapy to the way your system works and to whom you trust. I also think it would be helpful to have a backup help to whom you can go if therapy will kick in harshly. Maybe a psychiatrist or a social worker, etc. For example, sometimes I‘m very sad after a therapy lesson. But I can’t reach out to my therapist until the next session. Therefore I have other people to whom I can go to when I‘m in desperate need. Wishing you all, all the best!!!❤

[@KKKK-ld9wb]

@@katrinabongi6295 I don’t know if you have psychology today therapist listings where you are, but if so, many therapists will check the box that they have experience with dissociative disorders or dissociative identity disorders in their profiles. You might also want to look on the ISSTD website for their therapist finder. You definitely want to ask the person if they treat dissociative disorders because some people will outright tell you they don’t, and they would be a waste of time to see.

[@shinginikolsky642]

why are you not telling us the name of the expert that has helped you?

[@sallyjones1213]

Sorry, I know this channel isn’t for people who don’t have did, but I have/had 🤷‍♀️ a partner for over 7 years before he ghosted me (not relevant lol) who I have a strong feeling has did due to some of the things he said and did during our relationship. Am I allowed to ask questions about this with you? Please.

[@thectadclinic]

This is a channel for all aspects of complex trauma and dissociation, not just DID. However, we can’t offer in depth insight or advice for individual cases, only general issues. You can ask, though!

[@Pixielocks]

Another great video! I find sometimes clinicians are so eager to work with dissociation and parts that more “mundane” baseline work that needs to be done gets overlooked 🫶🏻 a great reminder for others to not immediately jump to IFS or other modalities, and to really assess what the patient needs most first 🫶🏻

[@thectadclinic]

This is exactly it - the message was clear to me - "meet me first, get me first, then hit the books"