The INFJ Door Slam

In this video I take a look at the INFJ Door Slam, which is a relationship based issue that many INFJs experience and struggle with. What conditions create a fertile breeding ground for the INFJ Door Slam to flourish? Watch the video for more.
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[@serban2139]

The INFJ SLAM A.K.A. "you gave me no choice after the 14th 2nd chance" ...I see you're a man of culture as well lol

[@berkaytugrel]

turk?

[@aquariusstar7248]

😂😂😂

[@valliestarfire9596]

Lolz.

[@michaeldanao6326]

" DOOR SLAM " , Self preservation , not wasting time , a simple yes or no , no in-between , understanding , acceptance , ...

[@thoughttank5107]

🤣🤣 thats the real explanation there!!

[@sarahofer4368]

And there it is: a healthy INFJ would avoid an unhealthy relationship from the get-go. That one lesson took me the better part of 30 + years to internalize. Today I am aware of those red flags and take them seriously.

[@louisejoel]

It can take that long to identify what healthy is

[@jaclynwright9684]

@@louisejoel It has definitely taken me that long. :'(

[@carol5606]

Oh boy. Isn't that the truth! I think - also - when we are older, we've made greater peace with going it alone. So it's not as difficult to recognize and receive the red flags as portents of trouble. But yes - it took a life time.

[@kristianjensen5877]

Yep, it takes time to get the "formula" right when it comes to other people, but when we do, it's quite liberating with no need to slam the door, because it was never really opened fully up in the first place. First thing to learn is "the law of equivalent exchange" so to speak - once we start noticing whether people reciprocate our efforts or not and notice red flags, it becomes much easier to manage which relationships to invest into and which to just let die on the vine and never develop into anything significant.

[@carol5606]

Kristian Jensen Well said. I've learned to slide angularly out. Sometimes that's not possible, but most people don't even notice.

[@MarlaMcGregor222]

I am guilty of the door slam. I have had several people tell me they were shocked at my ability to "flip a switch." But It's absolutely an intuition thing.

[@abilinc]

I tend to think that instead of a door slam, it is a gradual closing of a door. However, the finality of the door finally closing is what catches people off guard. Because INFJs do a lot of their processing internally, I think that many aren't actually able to see the process of the door closing slowly, just the final "slamming" result.

[@jerbear7719]

That is a PERFECT description!

[@mcdee56]

Well said!

[@beingintrinsic]

EXCELLENT description. I can relate to this entirely.

[@tracik1277]

@Kayden Markus Excuse me, but why would you do that?

[@Wa_Kanuna]

It's a slam because the other person doesn't see it coming

[@DeyaIV]

An INFJ don’t want gossip, backbiting or talking about others, it’s considered low and disgusting by a INFJ. Progress is key, when our progress is being mocked and diminished it’s clearly the relationship (friendship, family, work or partnership) won’t work. I really love how you explain this, thanks 🙏🏼

[@danisa3125]

Unhealthy Infj’s have a hard time defending themselves. They’ll door slam when they are humiliated, used, betrayed instead of telling the perpetrator. I don’t have a hard time telling it like it is with my husband and best friend, but others that I don’t have that deep of a relationship with I’d rather just leave their lives. Setting up boundaries and not being such a people pleaser has helped me retain more friends and get less hurt by the little things I pick up on that most ppl don’t even notice. Being an infj gets much easier the older you get. Also learning to mirror peoples behaviour and not fixing everyone and everything all the time helps. I value my time and wisdom and don’t give it away so willingly and freely anymore. I listen to friends problems and tell them I hope it gets better for you 😂😂 I’ve really saved myself with this new outlook on life. Sometimes I feel guilty but that usually comes from religion and this martyr mentality. Besides, people hardly take advice, they need experiences that change them, words don’t work.

[@ma6542]

Great video Clay. It took me time as well but i think most healthy INFJs overtime realize that they are ruled by their Ni and it is almost impossible to go against it once the decision has been made. Personally, it almost feels like im suffocating if i try to go against it because of that deep feeling of Knowing that is final. And i think it is so strong and final because Ni takes time and patterns to come to that level of understanding. The time that we try to make things work, it is working subconsciously registering everything that is happening and connecting them that when we are done , we are really done and there is a sense of peace knowing we gave what we could to make things work and can step away now. I also think INFJs when in their early twenties or younger are very idealistic in relationships, thinking they can fix everything and ignoring their intuition , i think its something like an Fe overdrive , but as they get older and their logic function starts to balance their Fe they become more realistic and self preserving , which is more healthier in my view. Thank you for posting as always. You voice everything i've always known somehow in perfect words every time and i feel understood.

[@presentlybikepacking2535]

Well said

[@carol5606]

Very true about the change as we mature. And that is liberating too. To accept the truth.

[@guang6575]

An analogy of the doorslam that I had used to explain to an acquaintance before I ever knew about this topic was this: Since I'm a very perceptive person I picked up every tick of his. Whenever I noticed one of these, it'd be like a drop of water falling into a bucket that's teterring off a ledge. No matter how big or small the ticks were, they'd add a drop into the bucket. Once the last drop falls and tips over the bucket, that's it.

[@cindybills677]

I appreciate your sharing of your own experience in this video. I have only door slammed one individual in my lifetime, after a ten year close friendship and like you said, "working" to grow and fix the relationship for about the last five years. Only when I was healed enough emotionally myself and no longer such a people pleaser, was I able to end the relationship and go no contact. I have never regretted my decision. But I needed the help of a professional to do it. It was that hard. I don't believe I will ever need to door slam anyone again. I'm a much healthier INFJ now because I did the emotional work to heal childhood woundedness and no one with any hint of narcissistic or borderline or other controlling tendencies will ever get that close to me again. I can easily avoid deeper relationships with people who set off my radar because I am no longer needy. And I know the signs of a controlling person and stop them with their first attempt. That's usually enough. They'll look elsewhere then for their next target.

[@imeldacelis7360]

The minute 1:10 is so real, if I don't have a really deep level of emotional intimacy is hard for me to take relationships serious

[@GracenCourage]

I think that infj tends to ends up in relationships where they were chosen as opposed to be the choosing ones. Because of this, they’re will end up in a deficit and a slamming door.

[@joannwebb3683]

Wow, Clay, you gave me an AH HA moment. I relate100% to your experience of your door slam after being married many years and trying EVERYTHING to try to make the marriage work.( I too am an INFJ, and I just found out I was.) I was married 23 years and for the last 10 to 12 I years tried EVERYTHING I could to help make the marriage work. One day I literally felt the shift in my being. It was an instantaneous KNOWING that I had to get out of that marriage then. . After all those miserable years of struggle I felt that click of KNOWING inside my being and I KNEW the marriage was over. Thank you Clay for sharing your experience. I am so relieved that there is another person who literally had that shift in consciousness after years of suffering. I've never heard anyone else explain it like you did. Thank you again.

[@serban2139]

Would a 100% healthy INFJ need to door slam people? It depends...if by door slam you mean ghosting(blocking on socials, no warning, change of address) without any explanation, definitely no. Although, some people refer to door slam as being like a "dramatic all of a sudden change of dynamic in the relationship between INFJ and the other" where the INFJ goes from 100% investment of nurture and caring for the other person to not even 50%-50%, but lower, somehow(at least from my awareness) conciously doing so to PROVE to the other person HOW IT FEELS not to be cared for or listened to. Yes, it's still unhealthy to me, yet a bit more fair. Let's go an extra step, a bit more "healthier". What happens when you predict someone's behaviour because you understand patterns and whateeveeeer, you know the drill...and after a couple of months of trynna making it work and they fail MISERABLY, sometimes not even trying, all of a sudden you're like "fuck this, I'm out"...Is this door slam? Is really the person I was dealing with really that immature, blind, un aware why I've done what I've just done? Do I really need to bother easing myself out instead of the "slam"? Some of my friends came back and asked me why am I so cold all of a sudden and I ask them: "what did you do to keep me around you"? They all go silent. Anyway, my point is... my door slam shouldn't hurt more than the lack of care coming from the other person towards me because relationships are transactional no matter from what angle you perceive it, although I'm open for anyone to challenge my view on that. Thanks for reading :D

[@dharmadharma3960]

"what did you do to keep me around you?" Golden

[@mqh2411]

all relationships are transactional, exactly my thoughts

[@si7273]

Another great KZbinr said it perfectly once: it's not that we slam the door on them, it's that they close the door on us. We try and try and try until there's nothing left and it is only then that we walk away. Then the other person is like "?!?!?" and we're like, "What is it they are confused about?" For us, we've been banging out heads on the wall for a long time while they go on acting how they want and only when they realize we are not there do they have any clue that something has gone wrong. It's really quite remarkable how two people can have such different experiences.

[@TheLoveAgenda]

I think most people lack the depth of self awareness it even takes to know why they feel what they feel or what they are feeling. This usually comes from an emotionally rejecting and invalidating childhood wound. For years I walked around like that because my environment was not verbally validating nor emotionally intelligent so I lacked the vocabulary to even express what I experienced. Neat topic.

[@varideasfitidea]

I think the door slam is after going through the same cycle of being hurt or disappointment or being taken granted for over and over again. Giving chances many times yet there is no changes on the opposite side. Btw what you describe is very accurate.

[@korinhubbert7163]

I agree with this 💯 %! By the time I door slam I feel I have tried everything I could and see no other way to try to fix this. Communication and respect are not alot to ask for. And if you have certain questions and concerns at a certain point in a relationship and no matter how hard you've tried your partner refuses to talk about it...this is where the door slam comes in for me. Especially when I have heard and been willing to meet them halfway with their concerns and I can't even get a conversation out of them. There is no hope in me ever being valued in the relationship and that's when the closing of the door begins!

[@anotherbookishbecca9170]

I was in a really close relationship with a friend for about 5-6 years and it ended this way. He was the first person I met in college who I really got along with and could talk to about philosophy, linguistics, sociology, etc. and he meant so much to me. We both dealt with pretty severe depression and anxiety and I always put his needs above mine. At different points we had a FWB situation that at the time seemed to work well but near then end of our friendship (when I was in a relationship with someone else), it was incredibly toxic because he couldn’t accept that I didn’t want to have sex with him. He got very emotionally manipulative and verbally abusive and I would still try to be there for him. I’d drive to his place to rub his back until he fell asleep and buy him groceries. Then one day he crossed a line and I knew intuitively that I couldn’t stomach having him in my life anymore. I felt so much lighter after and now whenever I see him in town I feel nauseous and can sometimes even have a full on panic attack.

[@fortheloveofmbti256]

That was so well articulated Clay, it made me cry, it was so on point! I almost didn’t watch it because I am little tired of those door slam vids, but I am glad I did. Your are really good at going at the bottom of things and coming back with clear way of explaining it. Continue your good work, I really enjoy your channel ☺️

[@wilson8979]

Towards the next of the video where you speak about the toxic relationship dynamic, that is really true. It’s beautiful. We tend to not set boundaries with our relationships because we have such a need to people please so then we take so much abuse and we are always the one trying to fix the relationship until we are so empty and so burned out and we literally have nothing else to give. So if we can recognize this specific behavior and going forward make it priority to set boundaries then we won’t ever ever to the door slam because we will by default not let someone get that close who is toxic for us.

[@erins1333]

the point about us INFJ’s having different definitions of friendship is something i’ve been thinking about for ages but not able to verbalise so accurately. i’m still at school and in a large friend group, but i don’t consider any of them friends because i can’t even be myself around them, they don’t understand me because our relationship is very surface level. whereas they think we’re great friends, i’ve pretty much mentally demoted them to ‘people i have to see daily’ and nothing more, which is why they’re shocked when i’m unbothered by not being able to see them during this lockdown as school is online. just different definitions

[@backspinbouncer368]

When it's over it's over. What many call friendship is just parasitical not reciprocal. All I expect is reciprosity and mutual respect. Most people want superficial, we need meaningful.

[@bohemianmelody4816]

Great question...."Does a healthy INFJ.ever need to door slam? The door slam for me is finally letting go of a rellationship that I can longer invest in...I just quietly unplug from it!

[@ClayArnall]

The question that still remains though is why didn’t you chose a better person to have a relationship with in the first place? The door slam only occurs because we get into relationships with people that aren’t healthy for us. So when I ask that question I’m really asking would a healthy person more easily see the signs earlier so that the whole thing is avoided.

[@lucaencarnacion626]

​@@ClayArnall That's a good point... although sometimes, the intuition that makes a person intriguing to get to know is misguided. You think someone is healthy and right at first, or at least interesting enough that you feel a compulsion to get to know them. By the time you realize there are fatal flaws and incompatibilities, you've already invested too much and it's too late to avoid having to choose between staying in a draining relationship and a door slam--maybe sometimes because the other person has come to rely on you, so even if you did try to create distance, they keep pulling you back somehow. I think you might be right, though. As I've matured and grown to recognize the signs that my relationship-building attempts are futile, there have been a couple cases where I just acknowledged "This relationship is building to nothing" and I've been able to step away just enough to still respond to them if they initiate interaction, but otherwise not put myself out there. Even though I don't completely cut them out of my life, though, that still feels like a so-called "door slam" to me because I'm not cultivating the relationship in my heart anymore, almost as if I don't see the person as important anymore, and the interactions I do have with them are surface-level, almost fake. I know that sounds callous, but I think it's a defense mechanism, because when people matter to me, they *really* matter.

[@martinahavelkova9828]

@@ClayArnall I would say that people develop this skills. You are not born to know everything. As you said - you have to learn to believe in your intuition. It doesn't mean you are not healthy, it's just a process. Secondly I was born to narcisistic family - so I had no choice if I want to be with them or not. Just recently I realized that what they do is not ok, I tried everything and nothing is gonna change. It's still painful that my ideal dream never becomes true, but I just accept it as it is and it finally feels very liberating. Because it's reality and not just my dream, which the second side doesn't share. I lower my expectaitions of them and stop wanting something they dont want to give (even if they say they do to keep me staying). My third idea is about narcisistic behavior. They are very skillful in manipulation. They use false promises you want to hear (future faking) to keep you stay. They use lovebombing at first and then if they don't want to let you go. They are blaming you for every their fault (mirroring) and since you would try everything to keep this relationship you believe it. Maybe if you were mature you would recognize it sooner. But you get this from try and error I guess. And still I'm not sure if you can be completelly imune to this. Because of our idealism and williness to try hard.

[@kabiba73]

​@@ClayArnall I think it's that when they started the relationship or friendship, they weren't as emotionally healthy. Years later, with emotional and personal growth, the person's flaws become clearer, and the needs/wants that aren't being met. Their introverted intuition is quietly picking up on red flags, semi-consciously filing them away, and then one day, a larger event or behaviour makes the truth evident and unavoidable - they must leave.

[@lindavalentin5582]

This is actually the best video I’ve heard on the INFJ personality and family conflict issue. Your explanation is totally clear and on target. Thank you.

[@gogoscorner1111]

Soooo this just helped me understand myself a lot better. I've known for years that I'm INFJ.. and found out before I even knew what that was. Lol I was so clueless, like "oh a personality test. This sounds fun" ...and boom infj every single time.🤦🏽‍♀️.. but I didn't realize that locking people out of my life has a specific term like the "door slam"... the relationship thing is so annoying to me. I'm always everything that my partner needs, as much as I can be, but I'm always left wanting more from them. People also tend to think I'm overreacting or being dramatic when I'm just looking to be seen and felt and heard. Once I close the door on someone I usually don't open it. Thank you for this video. I learned alot... like, I can't really expect myself out of other people smh. No one will be like I am or love the same way I do. It's so interesting.

[@Sandipan_Naskar]

I think as an INFJ we forget to maintain a proper boundary and often over deliver too much.... If we start to maintain our boundaries properly and prioritise ourselves a little more, narcissists won't be able to feed on us too much and stay away, and other people will also stop from giving us there whole negetive emotional barden..!

[@free2be748]

The way you expressed this totally resonated with me. The amount of effort I invest in family and intimate relationships has resulted in me walking a tightrope in hurtful situations that have left me feeling drained. The wierd thing is that I still have no clue when I'll eventually run of chance after chance after chance...I just wake up to the painful realization that today was the last time.

[@jiji_w273]

I call it “alignment” with someone which is strikingly very rare to find. I often find myself evaluating others when i meet them for the first time and see if they align with how i feel. If they don’t then relationship would feel suffocating or uncomfortable that i can’t take another minute to be with them. The only solution for this was to shut them off from my life completely (unfriend, block, stop seeing each other etc). I think this is due to the rational part of us that only wants the best for us. It dawned on me that people don’t see things the way we do hence getting confused about why we did things the way we do.

[@helenzee2253]

Your description of the breakdown of your marriage paralleled my own experience a great deal. Thank you for your insight.

[@sabrinapemberton4218]

Wow! I've never heard anyone put it quite this way. When you talk about your marriage it's like your describing mine. Over 17 years of being married to my ISTP husband (I'm an INFJ) and he seems fine, meanwhile I'm still trying to fix everything and keep it going. He really is a good, honorable man, but we do not see life the same at all. I feel lost, overwhelmed, ashamed of myself that I am not perfectly fine and happy too, and at a loss as to what to do, yet trying to accept that the way things are are the way they are going to be possibly forever. The only questions now are, "Can I live with that?" "Will I hate myself for it in 10 years?" "Am I being selfish or irrational?" "Am I really ok with giving up the things that I want most just to keep peace and not forsake the promise I made at our wedding as a naive 17 year old girl?" 🤦‍♀️ If someone had told me life and love would be this hard I would have hidden in a cave somewhere and only came out when there were no people around. So, noone would get hurt, including me. 😔

[@Mari_2024_sha]

I understand it so much... Married at the age of 19, now I'm 28 and have completely different needs, but afraid to leave my husband.

[@deconteeko7446]

I’m an INFJ. When I slam the door, it’s only after I have tried everything else. I feel like I have given my all, that’s why when I walk away there’s no going back. It’s like all possibilities as I know it has literally been exhausted.

[@deepak1987]

Yea, the word 'door slam' sounds like a very 'deliberate intentional voluntary forceful violent vengeful' abrupt action meant to 'punish' the other. That term like you elaborated seems totally off, a huge misnomer. Don't know how that was even coined. It conveys a totally wrong idea. I feel it is more like a gradual dawning realization (like you said) of the impossibility of having any real connection with that person. And this is after trying and trying and trying... and using up every shred of hope and embers of hope fires left. Quite unlike the connotation implies, that detachment gradually seeps/sinks in/dawns in as a deep understanding of reality vanquishing false hopes with real knowledge and insight. The word implies something abrupt, but on the contrary, it actually feels like a completion, closure of sort. I actually become peaceful, pensive, and clear when reaching this understanding of impossibility. There is the grief part though, which feels similar to adjusting to a kind of death.

[@ejaws1720]

Right on- it is like a death with a realization that it hasn't worked & probably won't cause there wasn't much there to begin with.

[@carol5606]

Very good description. It may appear abrupt to others, but inside, we've been processing a long time. When I was younger, it took me awhile to see the wisdom of this process - the silent internal wisdom emanating from a source I did not then understand. Now looking back, I can see how it worked and why it became necessary to close these doors. I always feel a sadness though - about life - that it is this way - that the rules are written so that these moments must come. Ultimately, it has to do with a division happening on a level we can't really access - yet. But the day will come when it is done. The dividing of souls. (My take anyway.) And the sadness will end. I look forward to that day.

[@slynn360]

Who else gets taken aback when someone says you "suddenly " ghosted them when in reality you told them several times sometimes over years to change? Then when you're done you're the bad guy?

[@AmyMichelleMosier]

“It’s your fault.” A sign of an unhealthy relationship.

[@gewundadfeorh8690]

I have door slammed once. It was a friend who I realized was narcissistic and just using me to start her business and for praise. I did forgive her often and gave many second chances. I eventually recognized the red flags, took time away from the relationship, then tried again. I realized it was hopeless and decided not to contact her again. I left communication open at that point, but have since quietly defriended her on all social media and blocked her on messenger. It's now final.

[@diamon1312]

I think, and because Iam particularly in this phase of my life, that as INFJs we get to develop intellectually and emotionally and change as often as we FEEL it, but the thing is, we are not 100 percent healthy but we thrive to reach it, so we find ourselves in relationships that were not ment to be, or if we are true and responsible, I would say that I found myself with really bad behaviors that I need to change. The thing is, To rectify the trajectory of my behaviors I find myself slamming doors. The new version of me is trying to not do it as obviously as I use to do it by incorporating little changes in the relationships that would lead eventually to the results that I want. Thanks for sharing your story.

[@katherinebruce500]

Being an INFJ I don't see it as a door slam, it's more of me realizing it will never work. I just put my shoes on and walk away.

[@aerxnna]

Ive door slammed few times in my past...and about to again shortly, this current friendship situation just gotten super toxic and I can't handle their personality anymore 😢

[@ladyducatnip]

Very timely topic, for me at least. It is reassuring to know I’m not the only one who experiences that last thread snapping and resulting realization of “it’s done.” I still wish I could do more, but there’s nothing left to do. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, insight, and experience. 👏👏👏

[@braveknight2000]

I'm 58. I'm too old to tolerate anyone in my life who isn't willing to work out conflicts in the relationship. That would be every single one of my in-laws. I have already emotionally slammed the door on all of them. I think they know it on some level and are hurt and angry but oh well.

[@chrisjenkins9978]

People want the benefits of a relationship but, they don’t want the responsibility.

[@Stall-FedCalves]

My family totally. I might as well be a stranger on the street. Just impossible. I've tried and tried and tried toward resolution. Banging head against wall. Yup! How dare we try to communicate to expose the elephant in the room! I remember when I realized that my husband wasn't in love with me....that it was not meant to be...that what I was fighting against was true. I literally curled up on the bed and went like comatose. Yup! The Love Tank needs to be filled. Yup! No one really appreciates the energy/efforts to healthily communicate. Yes, over time I've matured and accepted reality: there's close to no one who is on my level. ha

[@sunset9729]

I get what your putting out there. I'm like invisible. Ppl don't like the truth. I can't have relationship without it being deep. I'm disappointed with ppl most of the time. On the same hand I'm fascinated how ppl act this way and lost they are

[@southernbawselady7092]

@April I feel your pain! 😢 What helped me was learning about (cPTSD) Complex PTSD Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) Also ECHOIST A great website is parenting.exposed I was the Scapegoat of the family and now everything makes sense. It was NEVER me...It was my "parents" Wishing you well on your journey to discovering your real beautiful self!

[@Stall-FedCalves]

@@southernbawselady7092 Oh, I've been quite aware as an adult that its them not me. ha

[@Dzanarika1]

Oh, girl, I totally understood every single word with such heaviness, it becomes overwhelming. People, families, friends have become so uninterested, superficial, cold, distant, just like zombies. I am so done with people, it is beyond the point of no return.

[@edson.sconservationetcompo5314]

I've watched all of it and I think you described it perfectly. Your honesty is refreshing and your analogies with the sand and the car are good. Regarding your last point, I think even mature infjs can misjudge other individuals and end up in a toxic relationship, although much less often. But humans make mistakes. What differs is how they'd react to the same circumstances. A mature infj will have more self-respect and not invest as much energy on slippery sand.

[@zwatwashdc]

I am more of an intj, but it’s more of a ghosting for me. I put up with some not fun stuff for a while, and then one day, I am finished. I leave without saying goodbye. Forever.

[@davide.schiaffino]

I thankfully learned to deal with this at a young age (adolescence), so now I play the role of the INFJ who actually stops other people from door slamming.

[@rodneyjohnson9827]

I think you explained this perfectly.

[@jaysonwashington8787]

To me, a door slam is literally the lightbulb gut wrenching i see you for who you are that comes out of no where. An instant you are dead to me feeling of nothingness toward that person. The other person thinks its a here we go again not realizing that its over for good at least for you and things will never be the same. Then and only then does the other person begin to truly understand but its too late because we cannot risk going down that path a single second ever again. The other person still has a glimmer of hope that will slowly fade until they realize we are gone forever. Historically, the other person believes things will be ok tomorrow, but to us tomorrow no longer involves that person, it's a new beginning. To an INFJ its a realization of "It is what it is" but to the other person its a "they'll be back, they always come back". I always feel bad how cruel but necessary a door slam is but always sensed it needed to happen as if there were no other options.

[@Shawn-fn6gl]

It’s uncanny how much I relate to this. I go from feeling completely misunderstood to when I come to your videos feeling like why doesn’t everyone else get this too. Does anyone know of any infj groups ? That’d be amazing. I don’t have FB though.

[@marcodamalis9061]

I am an INFJ used to date a girl that’s ENTP, I end our relationship cause I never got the “Emotional Intimacy” that I’m looking for and she sees my view of relationship as unrealistic so I feel like there’s no hope and there’s my doorslam.

[@blackskie2126]

For the longest time, I genuinely thought the “doorslam” is one of my superpowers. I loved the whole notion of people being surprised when i cut them off bcos they’re absolute trash & assholes. Whenever this happens, it’s as if that person never existed, thus i no longer have to be involved with them. it’s empowering

[@fortheloveofmbti256]

And I do agree that a fully healthy INFJ (like it exists!) would never need to door slam anybody. Most of those kind of relationships happen because you are young and naive in my opinion. But as you get older, you can see patterns of past relationships that wasn’t successful and don’t invest as much in them as you would have when you were younger.

[@leonama6876]

INFJs know what they want in a relationship. If your potential partner lacks commitment, is devoid of true, genuine emotions, just want superficial interaction, INFJs will know that after the 3rd try. We get to understand people’s behavior and attitude a lot better than most people. That makes it really hard for us. Emotional intelligence is a rare trait. Most people people don’t have a clue what they want or can’t read their partner until they’ve been together a while. INFJs are not that patient. A negative on our part. But again, maybe we should only get together with other INFJs.

[@taranuzum8428]

This is so weird. I was just telkikg my gf about my "door slam" moment today. But didnt know this wss the term for it. And here i sit 5 hours later seeimg this vid like ' YA THIS!' ITS THIS. And now i will send her this video.

[@raindropsonroses3919]

I’m an infp and my best friend of six years(an infj) hit me with the door slam. It was the most hurtful thing I’ve ever experienced

[@raindropsonroses3919]

I’m still trying to understand the concept behind it, because it seems very harsh for a type that’s supposed to be kind

[@arushinigam1479]

It's hurtful but what's done is done. After trying a lot, when things can't workout or the other person shows no interest in making things better, nothing will change for good. Doorslam is a defence mechanism and the last thing one does.

[@corean3polar]

When i hang out or interact with people, i give my all attention. And sometimes morph myself into whatever i need to be which i always thought was a positive thing...im realizing now that by doing so, i let people, esp the ones i dont rly enjoy or see red flags of cross my boundaries so easily...and i abide untill...i cut off.

[@achtube85]

I can see myself in your words... so much. I feel seen. It is hard to explain why I get drained with certain relationships and why I keep investing in them no matter what (even if it doesn't seem to make sense for other people.... and I see myself suffering... but I don't want to quit just yet). Your explanation gave me some very good clues. Thank you!!!

[@laraoneal7284]

Self awareness/emotional intelligence I find is very rare. I’m very sensitive to these traits and if it is not there it’s not there and I simply cannot even continue with these types. Dr Gabor Mate’ says if we are authentic we are going to lose most people.

[@lunapuella2611]

For me it definitely isn't a conscious or deliberate decision. It just happens. Once it has happened I am tortured by the events leading up to it and the memory of it lasts forever.

[@laailahaillallah_h]

I swear i need to hear this. Thank you.

[@TheNutCollector]

It's the realization that nothing will change a loved one's bad behavior, and that bad behavior is a deal-breaker. We care so much that we have tried everything we know how, given everything we can. We know without a doubt that there is nothing more to be tried because we have tried it all. We are done. The person we are done with is shocked because they are used to us always trying and never thought we would give up. Edit: I wrote the comment above before I watched the video and after watching the video the similarities between our points of view are uncanny. One thing I wanted to add is the door slam is a harsh and undeniable realization that things will not change, and it feels almost like a switch turning off in your brain. It's not about vindictiveness, at least for me.

[@sphaerashaney]

Interesting thought at the end. I think a door slam can actually be the healthy thing to do, and the issue with INFJs is they'll keep trying for a longer amount of time than others whereas others slam the door immediately. For example - a previous boss of mine was extremely toxic and I just kept having to restate my boundaries and capabilities over and over again until finally I quit when I was completely burnt out. I trained my replacement on what I was doing and she quit the next day. Then the next three people also quit immediately and I felt kind of silly for staying 2 and a half years.

[@kevinkascolinkeithtimghera4305]

My poor INFJ got stuck with a psychopath for 25 years. I got finished.

[@laraoneal7284]

JUNG said we are researching until 40 years old. I agree with that.

[@sinemyldz5040]

(To 22 minute) Actually, it has a reason, and even reasons to door slam, not just intuition. These reasons just filling a glass for years, little by little. We endure it, we try to make it work whatever happens. But when the other people do not strive like us, and the glass gets overflowed then bye-bye, he/she is dead to us.

[@jules2298]

thank u so much for the audios on spotify!

[@AnnieTyzak]

We are just so amazing I can’t even explain it ❤

[@JFrombaugh]

I've heard another INFJ describe it as them feeling like a mom or dad who finally sees there's no redemption for their kid no matter how many chances they give him/her. They just keep on getting phone calls from the principal about what horrible thing they did to get sent to the office this time.

[@lovemusic4evs]

Its more like radical acceptance of the circumstances. In youre head youre going through the checklist of all the ways you could fix things until you realize its not you. They dont want to change because youre serving them and that works for them. Ive learned to communicate much more all along the way and that way Im not guessing if theyre as invested as I am.

[@markmillerm6472]

I needed this! I’m divorcing an estj,

[@danielrhodes3733]

I've slammed the door several times when someone oversteps a boundary of what I consider to be moral values that doesn't honor what I respect as a friend. So, it's a little bit of over-expectation on my side and others lacking the abilitity to have greater consideration for either the situation or my character that I have been nothing but truthful and forthcoming.

[@sherry876]

Yes, You do a great job of describing and putting form and words to a process that’s hard to describe🤪 I identify with everything you said… thanks 🙏

[@grasshopper911]

Thanks for the video. I just went through this myself, however, it took me awhile to fully understand it. It definitely made it so I'm much more aware of the warning signs. Thanks!

[@christopherhadsell9049]

With so many people living the 'uncertainty doctrine' nowadays, the 'door slam' is an act of 'doing.' I'm working on becoming 'essential,' i.e., thinking of what's 'unimportant,' or, something like buying flowers for yourself, go for a walk by yourself and fix yourself a spaghetti dinner. It's Osho Zen that I'm interested in; and from it, Stress. As an INFJ, I find stress extremely difficult, mind-sapping, and super-boring! Sometimes, you have to 'do' when you're dealing with someone whom only uses you to make themselves feel better. To me, a 'door slam' is just a 'do.' Not really a big deal. I just feel sorry for those who have a worse 'monkey dilemma' than I do.

[@briettasonlen1208]

great analogies. love your videos on INFJ, ME, who also happens to be HSP and also a water sign.

[@ebonyjoseph9489]

Yeah, we have that saver complex! 😩 Not healthy.

[@G4M3PI4Y]

Its crazy how perfect you describe me and my ex.

[@MA-vf2ir]

Very, very well said. Agree completely with all of this. I am 45 now and understand/accept myself better. As a younger, less developed/healthy INFJ, I door-slammed someone who didn’t deserve it. He was stunned and devastated. I really wish I had not hurt him like that b/c I realize now that I had impossible expectations for the relationship. My last door slam experience happened at work. I had been there for 15 years. Over that time, I gave so much (too much, honestly). One day in my boss’ office, he was saying something not any worse or more ridiculous than anything else I had put up with for years - it was just a standard little micro-inequity. I recall the exact moment in the conversation when it occurred to me (almost like it was presented to me from inside) that I would leave. It was almost like “oh. There’s the entire picture. I’m going to leave.” - an observation, really. It was a moment of complete lucidity and calm. I did not react at all and felt very “still” and accepting. I let my boss continue what he was saying, then left his office to start putting the pieces in place. I never looked back. A few months later, I resigned and joined a competitor. People were absolutely shocked. It was a very big deal, but it was unstoppable. It was completely over - I didn’t “decide” to leave but I “knew” I would leave and it went back to that moment with my boss. Very hard to explain, but I basically door-slammed my job after years of dedication and giving.

[@lucaencarnacion626]

I've been in the same situation with jobs! And the way you described that feeling of lucidity and realization is very accurate. I've had that feeling too, where I just take a step back and think, "I'm going to leave. It's inevitable. Even if I try to stop it, I won't be able to."

[@astrhea]

i like what you said about decision being made for you: you try and you try and you try..... at some point you just realise there is no point. (i used to say for my self: a donkey goes on ice once - i go 100 time - each time hoping the result would be different - against my own better judgment. i though that was just me being optimistic) btw. i recently resigned from my job. was very conflicted about it for a while (there were some nice people there i didn't want to lose). in the end decision made itself - i literally felt it in my body - and from that point on i could not do the work (call it unprofessional, i don't care) - even though i was working 12 -15 hours every day until then. left the 'company' as soon as i could. that was a big 'door slam'. all i know is that you really need to push us hard to get the door slam into your face - but if and when you do get it - you deserve it!

[@JaneDoe-is9hc]

Ding Ding Ding! The last thread is dead. Hear ya! But with that comes so much revelation.

[@sylviaowega3839]

I know this with this former INFJ friend whom was unhealthy and narcissist, I just simply stopped seeing her, because she had so many expectations regarding other people’s emotional investment, but yet she had absolutely no regard for other people feelings and would always wind up hurting someone down the line. -INTP

[@kaydub770]

Thank you for your insightful video. Have you ever thought of the relationship scenarios you describe in terms of attachment styles? You seem to be describing relationships between people with anxious attachment (INFJs) and avoidant attachment (so-called “closed off” personality types). Of course, our attachment styles are informed by our childhoods, so they don’t necessarily correspond to personality types. But it seems to be that, because INFJs have such little tolerance for disharmony, they tend toward anxious attachment. Over time, I have been through many similar situations, and it has become most informative when I think about the conflict in terms of two personality types as well as two different attachment styles. I agree with you completely about the intuitive nature of the “door slam.” It seems sudden because it is the physical manifestation of years (or a great length of time) of internal emotional turmoil. But as we age and (hopefully) become more securely attached and self-aware, we can learn to walk away before a door slam is ever necessary.

[@solarqueen2555]

i have some experience with INFJs, one i door slammed (for being what was, for me, a negligent friend) and the other one told me he couldn't quite pinpoint it but something wasn't feeling right, and that relationship just faded as he became less and less responsive. My experience with those particular INFJ is that the communication styles were quite tantrumy and dramatic. it's OK to have emotions and to feel emotional, i just couldn't handle the reactiveness. they weren't steady, stable conversations, but a lot of me being like "you are way too wound up, and i need to step away." i can't stress enough how much "being emotional" isn't the issue. for me personally it was the turbulent communication style, the inability to take a breath and discuss issues calmly, that made me so weary in both INFJ relationships.

[@TheCosmicGypsy]

You honestly depicted this so accurately.

[@anthonyorlow8850]

I think INFJ's, on which I am no expert, but perhaps an example, really never like to throw anything out, including other souls. Try to save everything, fix it, but sometimes things wear out. Reuse, Recycle, Reduce, and Bury. Sorry, that's harsh, but it becomes personally necessary when dealing this psychopathic world. The Village is a nice ideal. It seems pretty hard at this point. I have been thrown out, "cancelled", more than I have done it, so that makes me feel entitled to do the same. It's self defense.

[@xamilshahriar736]

One of My favourite Job to do every year 😍

[@PaulEglinton]

I tend to see the door slam as an important choice that needs to be made. One way or the other, you have concluded, it's not in the interests of your higher good to be investing your resources here. But, unlike the analogy of the closed door, you are always open to consider a situation. That is. You are not acting out of hurt, your heart is open, and you are able to look at it from a higher perspective. Yes, sometimes it takes a while to let things go to arrive at this perspective.

[@AM-rl6mq]

I have called it "hitting the wall".

[@kay6622]

OMG man. That makes a lot of sense

[@DiscoveryWonders]

same. it took me 7 years of a relationship to wake up, living hopefully until the moment when the last thread silently exploded into the abbys. and then. poof. all was gone with the wind ;). I've door slammed a few people in life. I resonate with your interesting story 99.999%, except for your estj opinion, because I know really emo intelligent estjs. I think it all depends on how ppl were raised and how they developed the weak functions over time. To me Intjs, and sometimes istps appear colder and sometimes ruthless compared with estjs. also I don't have babies :) but I know that postpartum depression is a very common thing. I think most young mothers I know, had it. My close friend had it so bad she wouldn't even stand up from bed to feed the baby. it was that bad. turns out she has a hereditary serotonin problem related to depression... which is also common apparently. gosh, I hope if I'll ever be a mom I won't go through it. scary...

[@alicecooper1066]

I’m not sure I door slam people. I really like your analogy of the sand slipping through your hand. I feel if I “door slam “ it’s because there just is no substance left to work with at all, and usually it is with others very toxic behavior that I completely just stop wasting my energy on them.

[@vivianeprudentiabuelens9142]

Do not underestimate the INFJ !😊 24:56

[@eternalschizm6985]

Honestly, I don't believe it has anything to do with a "need". I believe you proved your point, it's automatic. The farther you get in life, as an INFJ. Or rather the more experiences you accumulate, and learn to trust your intuition the easier it is too see things for what they are, and not what we want them to be. I believe unhealthy, and healthy would have to take the consideration of another into play. At the end of the day, it's about trusting the life experiences.

[@melindacapps3119]

To your last point. I agree, I've unfortunately been door slamming people in my early 30s because I'm only now coming to terms with my needs and attempting to communicate them. I think that if an INFJ is an effective communicator then this door slam would not happen. As an INFJ who was not brought up in an open communicative household and having an Asian background, I know that that is some of the core difficulties I have with communicating and articulating how I am unhappy in a relationship because the basic simple concept about what I need is not second nature to me. When I do have "talks" with people they are not sugar coated and they are to the other person very out of the blue and cold. It scares people but I donwould be able to articulate their feelings and maybe not have to have this internal buildup that results in a door slam. Thats what I think. An INFJ who has mastered the ability to decipher and communicate their feelings effectively. Even though yes innately its hard for INFJs to pinpoint how they feel and that's part of the problem. I don't know, I hope that there are INFJs like that. That is my life goal. Thank you for your videos, I have the same conversations out loud to myself lol so its interesting to hear it coming from someone else.

[@dr.hebagadallahclinicalpha9871]

INFJ female here, I think we don't need to explain our door slam. It is simply go no contact with cluster B. Partial/ civil door slam is gray rocks , when you don't share your emotions, dreams etc. It is not all in the heads of INFJ because of paranoia . It has science behind it now. People dismiss the result of our Ti expressing our Ni as A Ti Child that alinates people , because it is not that mature and they already know. The reality is : we have known it . They repackaged it . Door slam is simply: no contact or gray rocks depending on the situation. We (INFJs take credit for that as the masters of intuitive psychology)

[@cinnamonswirl4490]

I think INFJ'S have very high expectations and they understand why others don't have these qualities if you like, but if you lower your standards then you are not being true to yourself and will still be unhappy. Yes we invest, commit and fight for our relationships yet when we gave our all and feel unappreciated, unrespective, unloved then that's final we are done!

[@noddycool2703]

I often feel like people think that we are born with certain personality types. I'm not so sure if that's true. I think a lot of our behavior stems from childhood trauma or just in general from the experiences we make in our childhood within our family systems. I think behavior (including thinking behavior and feelings) that we exhibit in adulthood are mostly a result of that. So it's kind of difficult, for me at least, to distinguish between behavior that comes from that and behavior that is 'merely' a reflection of someone's personality type. When it comes to problems within relationships I tend to analyze them through the lens of trauma and/or personal history. I find it interesting that people who focus on analyzing personality types don't talk much about i.e. trauma and people who focus a lot on the role of childhood trauma don't focus on the different personality types as much or at all. Nevertheless, I also know the feeling of trying to make a relationship harmonious and honest. In order to reach that goal I'm always analyzing the other person and myself. And I always try to make the other person better by making them realize certain things about themselves so that they can grow and change in a positive way. Often times I put so much energy into that that I burn out. (And again, I wonder if that's my personality type or if it's a behavioral/ emotional pattern that manifested in my childhood when I wanted to 'save' my parents by finding a solution for their problems.) I personally feel a little bit iffy about the term doorslam as it's often used in a self-righteous way and as a justification for a behavior that (at first glance) doesn't seem very mature. I also 'doorslammed' one of my closest friends a few months ago (I didn't even know much about personality types or haven't heard about the INFJ doorslam at the time) because I felt betrayed and was very hurt and disappointed. At the time I was SO sure that this was the end of a long friendship (which had, besides the negative, also very positive sides). But the more I think about it the more I feel it's important for me that I explain myself - my reasonings, my feelings towards the person and our relationship - in order to honor myself and our past relationship. Even if it's the end of a relationship I think it's important for me to try to communicate and explain how I felt to get and provide some closure.

[@victoriousjoy9338]

I'm enfp and this sounds so much like the famous enfo bitch slap. I spend years being really good to someone. Then after 2 or 3 serious betrayals, there will be a very quick end because you realise that it has been one sided all the time. What do you think??

[@twanncanady6413]

Forever we

[@mathildemoreau1407]

Hi Clay, thank you for this video. I was wondering if you would be willing to talk about what is an INFJ like as a parent ?

[@phil-2226]

Some of us learn via our mistakes .