The Long Suffering Wife & her equally toxic partner | Khadija Mbowe

[@katiez688]

The fact that he had such a big smile on his face the whole time knowing he was about to humiliate her in front of her friends and family is so f’d up. He could have told her the night before like Jimmy did. He really seemed like he was enjoying humiliating her.

[@invadingminds]

Yes!!! That was so creepy.

[@IshtarNike]

Clay has deep deep issues.

[@Roros404]

This part! Everyone saying that AD should've been left on her own, but love bombing is a real thing and is super confusing for people who don't have an immunity for it.

[@ayomidedareabel5525]

​@@Roros404tbh nothing he did was love bombing. Didn't compliment her, didn't buy things for her dude couldn't even do the bare minimum and come home when needed. She was just blinded by his looks, probably was dickmatized. She also projected her idea of him onto him

[@summeretry251]

And I couldn't believe he looked into their friends and family at the altar and asked "do I look like a husband" knowing full well he was gonna say no

[@jessicawilliams3849]

Let’s be real. Many women were raised to expect men to be horrible to them and that it is their responsibility to show him the light. That’s why red flags seem like part of the journey and not an issue.

[@xysarenottheprize]

“He hits you because he likes you” Girl bye 🙄

[@lng2750]

That part!!!

[@afrofaeries]

I remember rejecting my Mom’s statement of, “If he makes fun of you he likes you.” I got a beating afterwards because I was “being defiant” 🙄

[@catcat9582]

Yup

[@alyssaguillite9999]

My mom. And she says she’ll leave and never does. Suffering in silence or just suffering period is a thing and many don’t leave because they don’t know life without their man.

[@hadiyahbrown]

The blonde EAT DOWN! ✨😍

[@fra593]

Yassssss and the eyebrows are everything‼️

[@issy0613]

No crumbs, plate cleared 👏👏

[@gloriam.6853]

MHMMM was just getting ready to comment this!!

[@imtime22]

Facts

[@sarahtaylor546]

Stunning ❤

[@yallratripbye9570]

I agree with everything you're saying! But I'd like to add that domestic abuse does extend to emotional/psychological/verbal abuse.

[@zannis5441]

I mean that’s the point of it

[@hornsby618]

on top of men wanting to trade up when women age, if a woman becomes disabled in any way in the majority of straight relationships the man will leave her once she becomes disabled. if the man becomes disabled the woman is more likely to stick around.

[@TuxedoMasc]

The statistic of the how more likely men are to divorce their terminal cancer patient wives kills me inside a little - sooo sad, not all men but these numbers don't exist for no reason.

[@Msyinett]

He was smiling, but there were instances when his face seemed to scream he was disgusted. He even shook his head no during the ceremony when they said their long path together and talked about her in the past tense. He knew he would not say yes; he never planned to.

[@EvilShadex101]

I’ve never understood the concept of struggle love. I’ve met quite a few women who have gone through this and it about kills their ability to be in healthy relationships. Giving a sense that a relationship isn’t “real” if there isn’t some sort of drama or suffering involved.

[@samaraisnt]

it’s a trauma response from a past wound…they only knew love through hardship so an easy love doesn’t seem “natural” to them. That’s why one needs therapy if stuck in this destructive cycle.

[@AroundTheBlockAgain]

This is exactly it. I have friends who say that it "doesn't feel like falling in love" if the other person is emotionally available and open, actively invested in their wellbeing, honest, reliable, etc. Y'know. All the things a healthy relationship is SUPPOSED to be.

[@celondelon351]

An element that is important to this discussion is colourism she’s a dark skin black woman who has been further marginalised by her light skinned counterparts so not only does societal pressure regarding marriage plays it part but culturally the struggle love narrative cuts that bit deeper.

[@sassylittleprophet]

I was raised in a Christian fundamentalist cult (the Independent Fundamental Baptist church). I am an AFAB enby, so I was required to wear skirts and dresses that went past my knees and shirts and dresses that covered my shoulders and any cleavage (which I had none because my abusive parents low-key starved my siblings and I). I was low-key arrange-married when I was 19, to a man that I eventually did want to marry, but I didn't want to be in a relationship with him in the first place but felt pressured to because of my parents and fundamentalist society (anyway, it's a long story). I was his "long suffering wife" for almost 3 years. He was abusive as well, though not as much as my parents. He treated me like all I was good for was being a pretty trophy on his arm and an obedient little wife in the kitchen (and eventually, mother, which fortunately never happened). This man literally made me tie his shoelaces, so if that gives you any idea as to the type of person he is. He'd compare to "other women" and I'd try not to be jealous (honestly, I was more sad than anything) because I was like "oh he's just struggling/going through a hard time" -- looking back, he *totally* wanted me to be jealous. Almost 3 years into our marriage, on his birthday, I called his mom and asked her how to make their home pizza recipe. I baked his family's homemade pizza and a peach pie for him because it was his birthday, and I wanted to do something nice for him (and in my family, it was a tradition to either take the birthday person out to eat their favorite meal or to make the birthday person's favorite meal that night for dinner). Also, it took me like 5 hours to make all of this. By the end of it, I was so proud of myself. Another thing, he had this whole "I don't like surprises" mindset which I realized later meant that he didn't like not being the one in control at all times. So he gets home, and I show him what I did. And I am so excited and happy, and a teensy bit smug that I actually *did* surprise him for once (because he was very proud that I had "never managed to surprise (or impress) him," he was an entitled, unappreciative pos is what I'm saying). But I thought it'd be fine because it was a *good* surprise, (it was not fine). He said that because I "surprised him" and he "didn't like surprises," he threatened to take the keys to my car and go celebrate his birthday with his brothers while leaving me stranded at our place. And I just broke down and started bawling because *I did all this for him because I just wanted him to have a nice birthday.* And when I was really upset and explained this to him, he tried to backpedal and be like "oh I was just joking." I left him 3 months later. Girlies and AFABs of all genders: *know* 👏 *your* 👏 *worth.* 👏 (Edit: Oh my God, *YES,* my ex was a momma's boy.)

[@lemonline3719]

Holy SHIT!!! Glad you're out of that!

[@mcgc93]

I'm so proud of you, stranger on the internet. So so glad u got out. Truly hope things are better now🙏🏻💞

[@sassylittleprophet]

@lemonline3719 *thanks!!!* Me too!

[@sassylittleprophet]

@mcgc93 thank you so much! Things *are* much better now, I have my bestie and my partner, and I was in therapy for a little while (had to stop because of trouble with insurance), but I'm *stable* now. 💜

[@savshady15]

Wow!! I’m so proud of you for getting out & look how far you’ve come 🫶🏻🤍

[@eve90601]

i really liked what you said about the nuclear family cutting us off from our community, I've had a similar thought for a while, in imagining my future, as a 20 year old, because what I don't like about the thought getting older, 30s/40s ish, is the idea that friends get so busy with their kids and partners that you rarely get to see them, I don't want to lose the close friendships that I have because I truly value them, yet it seems like an inevitability in the culture that we live in and what I have seen once people really form their own nuclear family. I know that there are ways around this but it seems like a common reality for many people.

[@quietcell]

It really is a thing. I'm 42, have a child and I don't feel that should end your life. My original friends are largely unavailable. I survive by having a bunch of younger friends so I can continue LIFE. You can refuse it. We get to choose. Sort of. I'm hopeful that more people will begin to see all that's wrong with these dynamics.

[@viridianacortes9642]

This is bizarre thing about U.S.A. culture. In Mexico the idea that you’re too busy with your husband and kids that you don’t see your friends and other relatives as much, is just not really a concept in Mexico. You’re friends, siblings, cousins, and other relatives are so integral to raising your kids.

[@selalewis9189]

I’m also in my early 40s. I don’t have kids, but I love spending time with my friends who have kids. I enjoy celebrating those times with them, even as we age. Don’t worry so much about how your friendships will change 20 years from now. Instead focus on keeping and maintaining the friendships you’re creating now. Not everyone will be around, but you can work on maintaining relationships with the people that make it easy.

[@eyesofwater123]

It's alarming how people put up with a dysfunctional, toxic, unhealthy relationship like some badge of honor or hoping to be rewarded with their partner's love and loyalty. That is scares me.

[@acemarvel1564]

Good thing I'm planning to stay single, there is no way I'd ever go through with this

[@user-js2cg7xs6c]

Same❤️‍🩹 the amount of emotional labour some men expect from women in relationships is insane.. being able to have genuine peace in a comitted relationship as a woman seems like a luxury

[@FrozEnbyWolf150]

I'm afraid of ending up on either side of a relationship like this, having seen examples of it from my own family. I'm aroace, so at most it would be a QPP, but my disability complicates matters and I don't want to be a burden on someone else.

[@imoneareyou]

lol same I have a literal fear of marriage because of this, it’s literally like once you’re ‘locked in’ it’s necessary and expected to endure anything and everything that happens even if it’s clearly wrong.. 😟

[@vyoletsiren]

there’s this Alanis Morissette lyric “i don’t want to be your mother - i didn’t carry you in my womb for 9 months” that came to mind with a lot of scenes with Clay. clearly he is actually seeking a nurturing guide, rather than an actual romantic loving relationship. - that’s what therapy is for lol. he’s so chronically insecure it was almost painful watching AD seemingly wilfully suffer through it all. It was so sad seeing the broken and defeated look on AD’s face when he came to her dressing room after. i hope she’s learnt she doesn’t need to be someone’s mother or a shoulder to cry on.

[@fionagallagherapologist5968]

both clay and his dad are insanely self-absorbed. i noticed that throughout this process, he barely asked anything about her and all of their conversations were about how clay thinks that cheating is hereditary and that he needs therapy. their conversations are never about her because he doesn't value her and she doesn't even want to realize that! same thing with his dad, he made clay's wedding ABOUT HIM. clay needs to want to break the cycle of trauma or it will be passed down his bloodline.

[@elsiemon]

It just hit me that LSW stands for Long Suffering Wife and not Licensed Social Worker 😂 I mean, that's essentially what the long suffering wife does for their partner lol

[@magnoliaskogen]

This is hilarious 🤣 and true

[@Dibi-wx5yp]

😂😂

[@SlighlyMacs]

My mother literally did all my dad’s paperwork, booked his appointments, balanced the financials and when he shook his empty cup - she would come to fill it! Literally his accountant, chef, social worker, bartender and waitress. (She is now in her late 50’s and acts like a total teenager)

[@alkahinat4558]

Facts! 😭🤣

[@kemaila]

“Im for women’s rights and for women’s wrongs, ok?” 😮 it’s in my pocket for later

[@seedsofsedition]

I didn’t watch the show but I’m glad to see you talking about this, I feel like it’s a sister problem to toxic masculinity. I want a woman who keeps me accountable and feels loved not one who is there because she feels like she has an obligation to be.

[@tessdickstein]

I am someone with very strong boundaries because in the past I had dangerously weak ones (granted I was quite young ~18y/o). My now boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months. When we started dating he had just gotten out of a ~6 year relationship and he and his ex were very immeshed and he was not practicing any intention of self actualization or really intentional relationship building with anybody in his life at that time. Was sort of just going through the motions. We have developed a deeply intentional, patient and loving bond even though I was much more head strong at the start (which came with its own obstacles for both of us). Through my example I have taught him a lot about how to establish and communicate boundaries. Through his example I have learned patience and to be calm. He has taught me how to pause. It’s been beautiful, for us both.

[@userysl]

Beyoncé is also long suffering 😂

[@FryNeedsCalm]

Cultivating self-compassion, self-esteem etc is SO important for everyone but especially for women of all kinds. I’m feeling the best I’ve ever felt in my life. A relationship like this came my way recently and walked out real quick lol. I really liked this guy A LOT and we had a lot in common and had good times. But he was emotionally unavailable and had a substance abuse issue. Never judged him but I set boundaries that he didn’t cross. But even with that good behavior, ultimately I said to myself „this gonna take a lot of work and is this what I really want?“ And because I know myself and love myself, the answer was no and I left. There wasn’t even a fight or anything bad that happened. But I was able to see that this trope of „struggle love“ and long suffering was up ahead. Lemme get out of this before it gets there. My point is, it was my own self compassion that saved me. This situationship only lasted a couple of months and not years or decades. I’m so proud for choosing myself and walking away.

[@joelleblanc8670]

I don't have much sympathy for the "long suffering wife" toxic dynamic.. as someone who was raised by a woman fluent in this, and have aunts and cousins who have also chosen this path. You try to gently suggest they could move on, leave, find someone else, have boundaries, go to therapy... and all that endless complaining will become an impenetrable WALL of defensiveness of their (apparently wonderful all a sudden) partner.

[@Aelffwynn]

Yeah, I'm having trouble with this one. My mom finally got out of that dynamic but my sister and my friend are both in it. I finally told both of them I'm not listening to their complaints anymore. If they want to make a better choice and need my support, I'm here. But I'm not gonna hear them bitch and moan and then watch them go do it all over again.

[@Nishapur]

I had to go low contact with a friend because of this. The constant complaining but lack of action stressed me out.

[@Rosa5311]

I know this all too well, these women will complain non stop about their partners and when you come with solutions, they don't wanna hear it, I'm over it! I'm not trying to victim blame but I feel like there comes a point when you have to take responsibility for yourself and those that have been forced to bear witness to and be part of your toxicity.

[@cmg25]

Well said

[@TomMinnow]

Giving sympathy at a certain point is just soothing their hurt enough for them to go back for more. I had a friend who became a completely different person, just fell into her man baby boyfriend and was only ever talking about how horrible he was. But then got mad at me when I agreed he was horrible and she should leave. Then she finally left him and had the audacity to say "why did yall enable that, why didn't anyone say something?" I DID AND YOU GOT MAD BESTIE they do not hear it.

[@zorro......]

I will say that while I agree that the nuclear family ends up isolating couples from their social support, I don't think that's an issue with romantic relationships at all! I think it's an issue with people defining their romantic relationships in accordance with societal expectations, instead of what they want and feels right. As someone who is not straight, not cis, not religious but from a religious family, what's societally expected feels so wrong that I basically have to re-examine every societal expectations relating to love and family and then re-define it to be something that nourishes me. On top of that, the fact that my family is not accepting of LGBT people in the slightest means that I found my own family in my closest friends. And so, when I meet people, with or without the intention to date them, I'm always upfront that my goal has always been to move in with my best friend, and to move in with my future romantic partner if possible. My best friend, of course, was also welcome to do the same and to have a partner that could live with me and mine. And ideally, because we have gay friends who may one day come out to their families and end up estranged, I've always been inclined to getting a home with spare rooms so that any of our friends can always have a bed to sleep in for as long as they want or need. And now with my boyfriend of 5 years (and my bestie has been with their partner for 4 years), we're planning our future and lives together around that. We are so enamored by the idea of cohabiting and surrounding ourselves with people that we want to be around and choose to nurture everyday, and people that we have been choosing to nurture for years now. Our romantic relationships have just added new people to this circle, and are an additional support for us, the same way we try to be for them. We're all friends with each other and all love each other to varying degrees. And I think that our romantic relationships have grown our community instead of isolating us because we choose to let it, instead of following societal expectations for a nuclear family living alone in a home

[@scoutlegionchild]

I was in a LSW dynamic almost a year ago now, and this year my lesson was to learn how to respect myself. This video really helped me articulate and process some of my thoughts around boundaries and service more eloquently, thank you for sharing 🙏

[@courajess]

2:37 cackling at “Taurus.” “Aw, never mind.” *click 😂😂😂😂

[@hayleighjohnson1361]

You’re like the older sibling I’ve always needed. Every time you drop a video you drop some sage insight. Thank you 🍃

[@totalemilyalwaysforever45]

I love this corner of the internet. Thank you Khadija!

[@blueneonstars]

I would be super interested to see more breakdowns of realty tv couples and the connection to social expectations/ways people were raised/cultural upbringing etc. and compare to healthy relationships or looking at the parts that are healthy and the parts are not in order to learn and grow together! ❤❤

[@ginasreview1030]

``INTENTION & EFFORT.´´ Yes, this please. SO important in a friendship, with family & most importantly, a romantic relationship. Especially a MARRIAGE. Not just, ohh we like the same color, music, whaterver, what about the deep things ya know. Very important.

[@NebulaWILNIL]

18:50 bald headed and confused took me out for a straight MINUTE. It’s too real!!! Signed, someone in a hetero relationship where both partners consciously choose and enjoy building our lives around each other, which includes holding space for the sense of individuality that prevents becoming the long suffering wife and bald-headed confused husband 💜💀

[@greenakutabi]

I am a trans woman so take this with a grain of salt but men are not raised with the skill of self reflection. They're perfectly capable of learning it but they're not raised to do it. Relationships force you to and that's the first time a lot of men introspect, often to the detriment of the women they date.

[@ButtonsTheEgg]

The way that I also wanted to light myself on fire when he asked for a hug lmao. You echoed every single thing I paused this show to talk about out loud in my living room to my boyfriend lmao . At this point the best part of this show is pausing it and discussing the problems with your partner / friends bc wow . Messy as heck

[@ireefree2024]

Clay is a perfect example of following the footsteps of his father instead he could do the complete opposite and have a wonderful life. In the end it's on him. But he wasn't ready at all, he shouldn't be on the show. AD on the other side wasn't really either. She's jumps on any man who gives her attention. But attention doesn't mean intention. And she's chasing these broken guys. Instead she should do therapy and find a great guy.

[@jlouiseknust]

'🇺🇸 Let men be baby 🇺🇸 ' 😅😂

[@chimtaelol472]

just wanna say LOVE THE MAKEUP AND THE WHOLE LOOK AND THE HAIR AND ANDSFNKJDFSJAKAJ I was paying attention to what you said I promise 🌝

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Ty and okey 🌚

[@lp9074]

I feel like some people love to sit in that victim state and feel sorry for themselves. AD is way too old for this. Girl stand up!!!

[@catherinemeno6030]

Watching this did more for me than the 2 years of couples therapy leading to my breakup lol

[@XabeebaX]

The pause when she started singing "I need a girl..." I hate that he put his voice on every song even if the actual talent made the song. Waiting on that video drop!

[@grandsome1]

21:20 "Who's a good boy? Yes, you are! You're a good boy!" Sorry, I know everyone needs affirmation but that all I could think of. Blame it on that Dogs of War sci-fi book I read, that features a really good boy.

[@777.molove]

this hair looks so stunning on you

[@alittleblawg]

I feel like what i’ve noticed is that many collective/ and esp religious societies also lean into this dynamic bc 1) masculinity/femininity are so strictly bound to sex 2) women tend to be told their only job is to nurture and thus never get the chance to grow into themselves until their children are grown 3) arranged marriages of the past really didn’t take personalities and goals of the individuals getting married and sm more into consideration at all, and when their are no kids to take care of, that’s all that’s left and can cause tensions between marriages or more commonly- more silent suffering on the woman’s end 🤣😭. i feel like the “i can fix him” mindset is a 21st century romanticization of the relationship we have seen modeled growing up where women sacrifice and put up for their husbands

[@taliavarela9840]

My intuition was bothered with Clay the entire time. I kept telling my mom this guy was bulls**t. 💀 Everyone who reviewed their relationship always acknowledges how self aware he is but a man can be self aware all he wants but still not want to change or just not ready for something at all. So tired of collectively struggling for these guys. 🙄

[@natatatm]

Honestly I'm relieved for AD that Clay didn't marry her and I hope he doesn't marry anyone at all before unpacking his issues. It was so obvious how much more mature and caring she was and how he might as well have been planning on cheating and then making it her fault since he "told her" he may do that.

[@stephaniepantalonie]

I also screamed when Clay said his longwinded no to AD

[@dontperceiveme3025]

I can't concentrate on the video because the make up is eating. The lip? The lip?! Looks amazing

[@chikamsoodume3601]

Why are people so surprised he said no ?!? I don’t get it .. he kept saying he had commitment issues the WHOLE time !!

[@shaneking5246]

That man has been a walking red flag from the first episode. ALL the signs were there from the beginning. I don't get how anybody was rooting for them. Poor AD was just blinded from the idea of marriage ("finally it's my turn") that she ignored every red flag. even though she caught some of these red flags pretty quickly ("if you get fat I'll tell you to go to the gym") and were even discussed by them. I'm like whyyy do you continue putting up with that manchild whyyy did she do this to herself

[@user-ez9tz4vt4g]

I hadddd to subscribe after the "not the teardrops on her titties" and the entire "deleteme" ad lmfao

[@cinnamongirl5410]

This ''but I really learned a lot about myself'' smh The objective of the show was clear. It wasn't character rehab on the back of another. Who gaf what he ''learned''. Learned he's a player, but he already knew that.

[@tacrewgirl]

Good analysis

[@ShaeDaily]

Baaaaby I just watched this 2 weeks later. I’ve seen other break downs but baby you hit the nail on the head. I dated a guy like him. Child….I was Her 🤡 thank you for sharing this perspective. The girls need to hear this LADIES THIS DYNAMIC NEVER WORK IN YOUR FAVOR!!!!

[@camadams9149]

I hate these kind of women... and it's because I see myself in them and I don't like what I see. Im always the most competent person in a zip code. I've never wanted much, what I do want I always get, and I perform a miracle monthly... so Im use to being the backbone in a relationship/group/community. In my relationships I always end up being the one doing everything, fixing the man up, and then finally snapping when Im still doing 100% months down the line after completely transforming the guy into a winner Idk. I know it's a result of me believing my value and "desirability" entirely hinges on the value I produce for others (and being very good at producing value) & I know that is not a sustainable relationship method, but Im also unsure how to get a desirable relationship with a different model

[@morgeduid]

any other sapphics watching love is blind just screaming at the girls to date eachother??

[@ManicPixieDreamGurl]

30 sec into the video and I have to say…Were there actually people who believed Clay & AD would get married?? Clay who in 80% of their on-screen conversations spoke about cheating?? I love you Khadija but like…were we all watching the same show??

[@KhadijaMbowe]

I WANTED TO BELIEVE IN THE IMPOSSIBLE 😭

[@sancehnhassanin8954]

Had to slow this down and watch it twice. This is important for the times!!!!!!

[@emberchord]

In this show specifically, it is so insane to me, how many absolute-isms & superlatives these people describe their relationships and themselves.

[@MsNG82]

Nah I’m not about that misery ride or die bs. I’ve seen my mom be treated like 💩 by my father. Lead to nothing. Be with someone who treats you good if not stay away. Periodt.

[@jillilucy]

“Oh wait I can’t sing that diddy video coming “ 😂😂😂😂 I just LOVE you Khadija❤❤

[@elizabethnossa727]

please unfold the thing about the nuclear family and the community in the future!!! love it ❤❤❤

[@bubblesishardcore]

She don't have boundaries!😭🙌🏾

[@photostrips]

omg your make up looks so good in this video!

[@emilyhackmeyer9661]

Not on topic, and you’ve always looked good obviously, but lately 🤭🤭 like im blushing you look so good. Love the commentary on this phenomenon too

[@annelipietersen2287]

Will Smith is the long suffering wife in that relationship

[@rachell1931]

So wierd how you made a video about my mom... (also respectfully, you look beautiful 💜)

[@gavinmccabe2908]

In a relationship, love is not just how other people make you feel which, I believe, is where many of us go wrong. Once the original spark fades people often check out. Truly caring for another persons well being is so much deeper than the original romantic type love that we have all be conditioned to seek out. I agree that having a community is important and can provide a sort of companionship but, as we get older, our youthful community can tend to thin out as people move on or have families of their own. It can get very lonely as we move into our mid thirties, early forties if we are not in a stable relationship. I'm not saying it's for everyone obviously but having a compatible person in our life can help stabilise our emotions. Life is to be shared I believe and our friends won't always be around as much as we age.

[@im19ice3]

i didnt even watch this show but i felt so angry at that man, very insulting how self-centered he was

[@mmirandaaaax]

I was also gooped

[@natalielewis3720]

I feel like such a jerk saying this because this is a very well written episode, but Khadijah just looks so GOOD! their make up that hair color the contrast between the hair color and the dark outfit. This is their look

[@sheritamullings6533]

Girl spoiler alert...the streets are saying they may still be together #FreeAD

[@DeannaJacksonDJsDelectables]

Struggle love is just not it... Also, when you end up with someone like that Clay dude, that should be your wake up call that "struggle love" isn't it...

[@mindlessjamila]

The fact she said no matter what he did she wouldve still said yes, oh my sisters

[@imanipatterson7429]

I think we shld give Cardi a break bc music and film industry is the same/ and probably already recorded the music video before she went off on offset. AND just bc she’s “done with him” doesn’t mean they can’t be business partners. I think part of your assessment of her is off bc it ignores the underlying and overlying circumstances.

[@LoveToday8]

I really hope AD gets some good therapy. You shouldn't need to carry the relationshi. the moment you feel like you're carrying the relationship you can either have a conversation about it or end it. Clay gave AD plenty of red flags and she chose to ignore them. They both need therapy.

[@Thaelyn1312]

Weeeeeell shit, I have a new phrase to describe myself lmao

[@samanthajune]

I'm commenting this before finishing the video but, it makes me sad that AD and Clay are still together I really hoped after he said no at the alter she would look back and reflect on their relationship and realize she should move on and be with someone whose emotionally mature and ready to be in a healthy relationship leading to marriage!

[@davehan241]

From what I see, none of the guys are actually wanting to get married and most of the women are desperate to get married. Those are BAD odds...for the women. For us dementors sucking up the human desperation, pass the popcorn. This is my first season watching this show, so I don't know if it's always been this bad, but it seems like they're trying to overtake 90-day for popularity.

[@comradecats]

such an amazing video we love to see it 10/10 khadija always coming thru with the freshest greatest takes 🩵🩵🩵

[@shaynacameron4530]

society has conditioned women to endure this type of suffering and created a sense of fear amongst women that being single is just not okay.

[@sufi8903]

Back that yes but now women choose to endure... It's the women enduring looking down at the women that opted out..

[@shaynacameron4530]

@@sufi8903 they look down on women like that partly because they are afraid to be alone

[@sufi8903]

@@shaynacameron4530 I think things have definitely changed, I see more women opting out of the societal norms..

[@shaynacameron4530]

@@sufi8903 yeah that's true, which is good and makes for better healthy relationships

[@sufi8903]

@@shaynacameron4530 It will take time for our male counterparts to accept...the old sociatal norms made them lazy partners..

[@peacejoylove8542]

Notice how Clay's father suggested he get a woman like his mother. The same kind of woman he mistreated and dogged out. It's as if these men refuse to see the dysfunction, confusion, and mistreatment they perpetuate down throughout the generations they help create. It's unbelievably upsetting and disappointing that men like this who have proven time and time again that they dont deserve access to a woman's body, time and energy, create nothing but a legacy of confusion and hurt at the expense of the women they claim to love and their children who like Clay, grow up confused. It's a cycle that feeds off of the desperation of women who put a man before themselves. Watching AD look at the other girl like she was crazy for "buying the car without test driving it." Only to be turned down at the altar was ironic and heartbreaking, to say the least

[@lauriethomas4145]

This

[@srowe1528]

🎯🤦🏽‍♀️

[@armchairecon]

These are the guys they like tho? Takes two hands to clap.

[@peacejoylove8542]

​@@armchaireconexactly. They allow it, so it continues

[@SoufyAsth]

@@peacejoylove8542’They allow it’;…. Why is that always women’s fault. These men are perpetually looking for mommies who regulate their behavior, “allow” or “forbid” whatever bs they want to put women through. Grow tf up and be responsible for your own choices for once.

[@imani0nline]

The scariest thing about struggle love is when asked what they love about you all that comes up is what you do for them or how you make them feel. Like you can't even lie and say my eyes or something !

[@lauriethomas4145]

Or your big white teeth

[@sainttrai]

But isn't acts of service a love language? Did you want him to lie??

[@iammar1159]

@@sainttrai It’s an issue when that’s the ONLY reason you say you love someone. That’s not love because once you’re able to get the same things from someone else, what would keep you from leaving your current partner and moving on to someone else who you feel can do more for you? Or when you feel like you finally got enough to move on to someone new whom you really wanted to be with. That’s what happens all the time to the “come up” woman.

[@anelemultiplied958]

I agree. It doesn't feel right. It sort of gives you foresight of what will happen to the relationship if you stop giving them whatever it is that they need. It also makes you subconsciously uphold their perspective of you and pushes you into a corner of being whatever it is that they require.

[@Killjoy_Mel]

Eh I don't know. One can express their personal qualities through deed. I don't know how some passive quality somehow is more worth loving than complimenting, say, generosity based on how you have expressed it to others. My eyes are just my eyes, I was born with them, I didn't earn them or learn them, I got them from my mommy, they just sit in my skull and roll a lot. We love people because of how they express their qualities, not because of what they are or have. Even parent-offspring love is transactional. Yiu love this baby of yours because of how they love you, you'd love a baby a little less if it was just a random, inert lump of flesh that didn't interact with you in any way. One can argue that you love that child in your belly already, but you don't love that kid for who they are. You love the idea of them, what they represent to you, how they make yiu feel. All human relationships are transactional. All of them. It's not a bad thing. For love to happen, there must be active communication and expression, it is all based on how this or that trait of someone affects YOU. Again, it's not a bad thing. Loving something for existing without expression is not love, it's infatuation based on an idea, not action and expression.

[@yourfriendnge]

I just don't understand the people (men) who come on the show and act surprised that when they're expected to get married. That's the whole point. Why come on the show if you're still trying to figure out if marriage is for you? You are not only robbing people of an opportunity but also putting other individuals in harms way and using them for your own personal character development, which is so narcissistic well. It's a waste of time, but of course, they'll continue to get casted for entertainment purposes.

[@caseyw.6550]

Almost every time Clay word vomited all over us, I'd scream back "WHYYYYYY ARRRREE YOUUUU HEREEEE?!"

[@FunkyLittlePoptart]

None of these people are there to get married. They're there to get famous. It's TV...

[@caseyw.6550]

@@FunkyLittlePoptart Well, there HAVE been several successful (for now) marriages to come out of this show. But I think the longer the show is on air, the more it will be all fame hungry folks.

[@Carlos_Quintero_]

One can hope and do the work to THINK they are ready. I believe that's what Clay did/wants to continue to do. Doesn't mean they will be though.

[@debbieakadely1212]

tbh, a lot of them come for the clout the show gives them that then gives them access to more women, or even worse, to enter the netflix cinematic universe of reality tv shows e.g trevor

[@a.l.michael6240]

I was the long suffering girlfriend and broke up with him last October. His family hated me and I was convinced that he hated me at times. It was hard, and I had to start my life all over again, but I’m much better now. Love doesn’t have to mean struggling and suffering and arguing in between the good times. NEVER again.

[@iwantabiscuitplz]

Fucking well DONE. I'm happy for you!!

[@Sickhippie-d8t]

How did you do it? I got close with his family, it was at a vulnerable time but I already got side eyed cause I stopped showing up as much and just really go to work or home. I don’t even go out, I let him use my car to help his family cause they were in need but now… it seems like just grocery store runs and bullshit as to why they are “in need”. But at the end of the day, I know I’m not the bad guy but they make your life hard when you do choose to leave (I’ve seen it happen) and idk, I need help.

[@Opinionatedcancer]

@@Sickhippie-d8t What are your standards, boundaries, ad expectations? What are you getting out of the relationship? What do you want out of the relationship? If the relationship doesn't align with your standards etc, maybe its not the best thing for you. I'm not asking you those questions but I think those are questions that you should ask yourself. Men will use you up for as long as you allow it

[@JustSOThyckk]

Literally me rn and he won't accept the errors in his ways or the fact that we broke up fr

[@NanaLia_18]

❤❤

[@AgeismGoesBothWays]

I noticed a long time ago that men seem interested only in attracting women and not how to maintain a healthy relationship. But they also hate getting dumped. It makes no sense.

[@ireefree2024]

Attraction doesn't mean intention. Man are hunters, especially avoidant types, it's all about the hunting. If they have the girl it's boring and these guys move on. On the other side, it's about having a plan b. So the girl is good enough for some action until the right girl comes up for him. So they won't like to be dumped... I'm happy married by the way but I know these guys aswell. Unconsciously girls choose them like AD because of missing self-love... I have been there too in the past.

[@cheyennec5546]

@@ireefree2024 God I hate it when people use “they’re hunters” in an attempt to explain men’s awful behaviors and reasoning. They’re not brain dead cavemen nor are they lions acting on instinct. They’re thinking rational humans being fully capable of making the choice to respect & value women and relationships & it speaks to their individual character, maturity, and upbringing when they don’t. In this case, Men attract women but can’t maintain a relationship because of personal character & ego. He needs someone to burden his unhealed wounds and can’t respect or value his partner because he doesn’t do so for himself. He hates being dumped because it would crush said ego and fuel his established self loathing & misery. Tl;Dr: These men aren’t macho “hunters” pursuing entertaining prey, they’re weak selfish pissbabies who hate themselves & need (many) women to feel wanted because they’re miserable & insecure.

[@cheyennec5546]

@@ireefree2024 Nah, we’re done with “men are hunters” BS to explain away men’s trash behavior. They are not Apex predators acting on instinct or braindead cavemen, they’re thinking human beings completely capable of rational thought and basic human respect towards others. Many of them simply choose to not extend that towards relationships & here’s why: The reason men get in relationships they don’t nurture and fear break up is because of ego and insecurities. They want to feel wanted & taken care of while avoiding communication, honesty, & effort as they’re not mature. The moment a woman is wise enough to opt out it hurts their sad little ego.

[@Pinkdiva-gv8lx]

I wanna feel bad for AD but she literally said she would follow him off a bridge whilst he self-fulfilled prophecied his way through their relationship. These are the consequences 🤷🏽‍♀️ god bless her though

[@Rosa5311]

It's like she was so self aware but then decided to basically say nah f*** that

[@karmAnonymous]

it's such an odd cognitive dissonance.... there must be a reason... trauma probably. I hope that she & all women struggling like that... learns from here on out 😮‍💨😞

[@rayseyeoman7540]

It was AD saying that there was nothing Clay could have said or done that would made her change her mind of saying yes to him….was when my empathy for her went out the door.

[@TraumaTalksWithT]

Amanda Seale described it best: smart woman, dumb girl

[@elainelikesboba]

she just doesn’t know her worth

[@Strawlighte]

clays reaction when he first met AD where he stuck his face in her chest and called himself a baby and didnt want to disappoint her was such a clear sign of his intentions and attitude coming into the "expirement"

[@xysarenottheprize]

Standard bm looking for a mom and not a wife.

[@Seancarter2010]

Yeah but she was only concerned with how handsome he was so that’s really on her. She wasn’t focused on character

[@nhlehlats9119]

People will always tell you who they are and what they want.

[@VyCityMusic]

I was gonna comment on patreon but Khadijah was far too kind at acknowledging "flashes" of Clays 'maturity' . Clay did everything to communicate that he was NOT a husband and had no intention on being one . I mean, he didn’t even know he got a wedding band at the wedding..😳 hes a 30Yr old Entrepreneur who doesnt understand that ? Although i feel bad for AD, i do remember her saying “when I see a red flag , I paint my nails red” . So there’s that . I truly believe she was really attracted to Clay and he appeared to have his “life” together; and all of the things that were cautionary signs, she put it on herself to be patient with. I believe AD has dated several Clay’s , but this one she was just attracted too more . I’m more shocked that people wanted to see a ‘yes’ just because they wanted AD to be happy ,but the NO was the result I was rooting for . The man said “I know you’ll fight for me” seconds after saying no to marriage seconds earlier . He’s a delusional sociopath . And that’s from a straight black male who’s about to be married .. I’ve seen “Clay”my whole life and they always get the girl they want and don’t won’t . The results are the same.

[@mchelseanicholeu]

He wanted AD to dump him so he could look like a good guy.. that’s why he kept letting her know he’s not the one.. and even though he wanted AD to dump him, he still wanted access to have sex with her.. smh just gross to watch him play that game in her face

[@lilyxo6914]

This is it!! I’m so shocked at Khadija’s reaction to Clay and Ad’s relationship, and at the hundreds of people who either wanted Clay to say yes or were convinced they were endgame. I’m trying to decipher the psychology of it all. In the Black community, is it the result of the popular ‘struggle love’? For non-Black people, I’d it because they don’t uphold the same standards of love for their Black peers than their own?? I can’t help but wonder how people would have reacted if Clay or AD were yt? Idk…

[@eniola5088]

Honestly, i am glad someone is saying it. Rooting for AD and Clay is rooting for struggle love. AD needs to be held to account just to much as Clay. Her tearful ending could have been very much avoided 😅

[@VyCityMusic]

@@eniola5088 Absolutely ! He gave her every opportunity to be ALARMED. I recall her saying she had gone to therapy for being in this constant dating loop of doing the same thing over and over . It’s no shot to AD but I think considering her being a former NFL Cheerleader and working in nightlife , it’s exposing her to a certain “type” that feeds into the very cycle she would like to break .

[@happyaccidents156]

Anyone with sense/ experience knew this wasn't going to work out. Clay is a walking red flag who clearly has some deep trauma around relationships to work out, and AD, has a terrible picker. When her two picks were between Matt and Clay I knew it was a wrap for her.

[@FlorecitaRockera11]

AD has to return to therapy unfortunately. Clay always talked about her in terms of what she was offering, but nothing about what she was as a person. Unfortunately, she was a reflection of many of us who still struggle with codependency

[@eringoblah]

Him allowing her to be humiliated in that way is a major devaluation event. It’s traumatic for AD, but the sad thing is that it will probably cement her resolve to prove her value to Clay to prevent that sort of event happening to her again. It wouldn’t surprise me if they stay together and he continues to do this sort of thing to her in more subtle ways, and this keeps her on the hook trying to prove her worth and questioning her own intuition. Happens too often.

[@sufi8903]

She allowed herself to be humiliated...It's not all on him, she is not stuck, she is a willing participant... She has power too in this situation..

[@teasharp]

@@sufi8903 she didn't "allow" herself to be humiliated. She had her trust violated. He had every opportunity prior to the wedding to say he was not ready. But he had her believing that his growth through her was enough for him to marry her. She definitely SHOULD have seen the signs that he would treat her a certain way if they DID get married. But to say she "allowed" him to humiliate her absolves him of the responsibility to respect her enough to have such a serious conversation BEFORE making it to that point in front of both their families and national TV. I definitely think BOTH his parents enabled and encouraged this complete lack in accountability and respect towards AD (and probably any romantic partner in his life), just because he went through some ish. He's too old to be let off the hook like that, as is AD. But she didn't "allow" him to do anything.

[@sufi8903]

@@teasharp "trust violated" how?? These people knew each other for less than two months...she's a grown smart woman, and too had a choice to make on whom to settle down with... Why would any woman want to cajole a man they've know for a few weeks to marry them... She kept volunteering to sacrifice herself, "I'm strong for the both of us, etc"...how is he to blame for her over performing in that short space of time.. As a woman, I can't blame a Clay for being a Clay...it's on us women to see things as they are and not what we want then play victim... Even she said if it wasn't for her efforts, it wouldn't have worked...

[@LoveStarsWorld]

She too could have left. @@teasharp

[@Seancarter2010]

@@sufi8903omg bless you. This is the first sane comment I’ve seen related to this whole thing. I don’t know how anyone takes this seriously they’ve only known each other for a matter of weeks. How is everyone so emotionally invested is it all about a dress and a tv ceremony? Marriage is a big deal I wish people would respect it more

[@stellamuka1087]

Literally saw a yt shirt where a husband upgraded his wife’s wedding ring because they almost divorced during a rough period but managed through and literally all of the comments were about how god wants to bless their marriage and stuff and I feels like we don’t talk often enough about how struggle love is upheld especially in church and the connection with using the words “we’ve had some really rough times we nearly broke up but you’re my go to” because that’s not a good thing

[@Rosa5311]

Agreed, I've heard so many Christian couples talk about rough patches they've been through and it's literally just the husband cheating

[@isabear478]

@@Rosa5311 right like youd think its financial

[@07tthom]

Chile yes!!!!

[@gazellehelene5380]

Struggle love isn’t upheld by the church. Church women keep choosing men that don’t love and respect them, who are not truly saved and delivered, yet they keep getting upset that the church don’t let them divorce even though they knew that the choice of a husband was one and done. From the start you know you can’t divorce, so why be hasty in marriage? In fact, why get married at all? It’s not like you are going to go to hell if you never marry, and it’s better than being stuck in a miserable marriage for the rest of your life. Please stop blaming men or the church for a choice you willingly made. There was no need to rush into marriage and ignore red flags; you could have fasted and prayed, went for deliverance services, been upfront about yourself and what you want, interviewed his family and friends, so many things. These women did not have to get married when they know they can never leave once they say “ I do.” Please take some accountability.

[@isabear478]

@gazelleh5880 so from what I'm hearing it's the churches fault

[@gracedemerling9492]

I don't think "boring" is the correct word to describe a long-term relationship. I think it is comfortable; you become at ease, and securely settled. With this, the need for the "every two day adventures" is not needed because you feel comfort in the presence of your partner; not bored.

[@haryel5058]

I like this one 🥰

[@Luvandrockettes]

Totally agree ❤️

[@latronqui]

I agree. In a healthy long-term relationship, the opposite of exciting isn't boring, it's comfortable. If I'm bored I'm going to be looking for something else, if I'm comfortable I stay.

[@normandy2501]

It just won't seem that way in the current generation of dopamine addicts with supercomputers in every jean pocket.

[@user-vc7ub8zc1b]

I conquer. Unfortunately, this is why some people cheat - seeking constant excitement. Relationships should be fun but you can’t chase an everlasting high because it doesn’t exist (in ANY part of life).

[@k_singsss_1556]

manic pixie dream girl being used by someone as a stepping stone towards their growth and betterment but it leaves you empty / near death

[@stephaniepantalonie]

Very real women are supporting actresses to these unstable men

[@pixiestxNyomouf]

Yep, priming him for the girl next door

[@ellethegenie]

The platinum blonde hair against your skin is just gorgeous ✨

[@latreciaherring1229]

Agree totally!! Cool tone hair and lights are making your skin look so rich and warm in contrast.

[@finetobeferal]

This whole look is 💥

[@anicaha]

Right, this is her color

[@fabbarnes]

What I truly don’t like are people falling for Clay’s antics. I was NOT shocked at all, he objectified her from the front and told her it wasn’t gonna happen. AD paints her nails red as she said, too desperate cause she should’ve been left. She doesn’t see it, Clay blessed her with that no, unfortunately she didn’t learn her lesson.

[@lilyxo6914]

I’m shocked that people are shocked he said no

[@sufi8903]

​@@lilyxo6914 those shocked are suffering from the same thing AD is...

[@carrington2949]

I am so glad to see this comment. Like who did not see that plot play out after watching this dude. He spewed bs in a way that would make any politician proud.

[@samaraisnt]

What do you mean by “she puddings her nails red” ? is that a euphemism? Did I miss something?? Are you slut shaming?? I don’t get it it’s so specific 😭

[@shortyp1000]

Black women: Finances are important. I noticed how the pastor that presided over AD and Clay's wedding mentioned money isn't important. 🙄

[@65avo65]

The most hurtful part of watching this was my friends’ reactions. They were looking for every opportunity to defend this dude throughout. Made me realize what that they accept and was so depressing. The bar is in hell in more ways and for more people than I thought.

[@quietcell]

💯

[@BittersweetMayhem]

I think people want to think someone can change. That someone can be the best version of theirself because of them. With their help. Nobody is perfect and you won't find someone perfect but then going too far and putting up with someone who is constantly afraid they might cheat... I mean.. that was sad. I felt bad for AD

[@mxandrew]

I think what’s interesting about this issue for me is the way that, as a lesbian, this is something I’m still constantly having to deconstruct from my being raised in this society. Society assumed I would be the long suffering wife to a man so many of my instincts and vibes around relationships come right back here every time.

[@monsterglacier]

Having this same struggle as a gay trans man

[@kingbee44]

Another queer woman checking in here to say same, sis.

[@advisorywarning]

same here babes… it’s definitely been a long journey of deconstruction for me as a queer ex Mormon 🫶🏼

[@lauragarcia9767]

As an aroace person I really appreciate the last part of the video because it touches on something that I/other aroace people have been talking about for a long time: romantic relationships are placed on a pedestal above other types of love to the detriment of those other types of love. I've seen it happen several times where former friends of mine will start dating someone and completely neglect the rest of the friend group, only to come back if the romantic relationship ends. It's really sad tbh, especially since that "tunnel vision" ends up hurting the romantic relationship too; it's just not healthy in general. I think also because of that pedestal asexuality/aromanticism are unfairly viewed as "lonely" and I've had allosexual friends say that my lifestyle is isolating when it's not; I love my friends and I nurture that sense of community, it just looks different because our lives are decentered from romantic love.

[@krustomer]

this also goes hand-in-hand with hookup culture!!

[@lauragarcia9767]

@@krustomerExactly!

[@VideosForYou90]

I love this comment, I finally feel understood somewhere. Literally all of my friends ditched me for their boyfriends when I've been in their lives for such a long time (and probably will be longer than their current boyfriends). I wouldn't feel as "lonely" as someone who's asexual if I wouldn't get ignored every time the people in my life find new romantic love.

[@JuriAmari]

Thank you. I’m demi/acearo flux and that’s always been my greatest fear if I ever get into a romantic relationship is getting isolated from my friends and family, especially when we make one of our own. It’s not about about one kind of love overtaking another. I need all kinds of love to thrive - take away one and I’m a shell of myself. The worst part about this culture is it’s almost expected and practically endorsed (mostly for the woman/AFAB partner) that the social sphere’s gonna get reduced down to the nuclear family once you’re married/partnered/have a family. That’s the last thing I want in my life. I love my friends, my family, and my community and a future partner needs to understand that otherwise it’s not gonna work.

[@lauragarcia9767]

@@JuriAmariThanks for the perspective. It's scary to think about how women/AFABs are encouraged to center their lives around men, but it's also weird when I think about my personal experience. Growing up I spent a lot of time around my mom's social circle, and my mom was the one in charge of planning/organizing major events with extended family. It's a duality where women simultaneously maintain the family socially while also being told to neglect their other relationships.

[@jane-ud4ub]

but...but hollywood movies taught me that if there is no STRUGGLE then it's not true love. 😭

[@xmiunax4385]

Disney and Hollywood need to be sued for brainwashing 😭😭😭

[@midnightstar3340]

Girl, that's Taylor Perry.

[@smirbelbirbel]

"She has an esteemed position in the man's eyes. But that doesn't stop him from disrespecting her." That about sums up my last relationship. I miss the good times, but I'm glad I'm out.

[@Jj-cf6yb]

Exactly....REJECTION IS A PROTECTION SOMETIMES

[@BlackGirlLovesAnime6]

Ladies! If you could not see the obvious red flags in clay from the beginning and the deliberate bob the builder mentality that AD had/was ok with then I’m sorry you have more healing and evolution to do.

[@astoldbynickgerr]

Exactly this!!! How could you miss that? 😅

[@peacejoylove8542]

AD strikes me as more of a Martyr. She said in the beginning she was willing to have men learn through being with her, or something like that. A weird, but deeply telling statement.

[@janellecande]

Facts!!!!

[@JustAnEmptyCageGirl]

The saying "believe people when they tell you who they are" is true for AD,as well. She told us who she is. The nail painter, the red flag embracer, mother of all man babies ...

[@FunkyLittlePoptart]

What did AD call herself? Fix-A-Ho? She knew what kind of trash she was buying.