The "Middle Ground" Between Trans People and Transphobes? | Kat Blaque

[@MattBeebeMusic]

"Generally speaking, a middle ground is met mutually. But in a scenario where I have to meet somebody between their rejection of me and my existence, the only real thing we could do is put me in a position where I have to stomach their rejection of me, and they at the bare minimum, just have to not antagonize me for existing." yep. this. this is it. this is why.

[@MattBeebeMusic]

@Johnny Hammersticks if I could insert a gif of Gordon Ramsay telling you to fuck off in this comment, trust that I would

[@MattBeebeMusic]

@Johnny Hammersticks what the fuck bro go home 😭😭

[@SheGingerSnaps]

The older I get the more I think there never really was a middle ground here. You just have to shut up and take abuse, and they call that a compromise, or not show up. People with a certain amount of privilege are really unwilling to live with any level of discomfort. I have a developmentally disabled sibling and I've (luckily extremely rarely) seen people made unhappy just having to see a disabled person. Society has to change to where the onus is on the person to handle their own discomfort, rather than punish people for existing.

[@iamjustkiwi]

The biggest mistake we make us thinking we have to worry about the comfort of others when we chose to present ourselves as we are. My biggest pet peeve is the appeal to children. Children are the most open minded among us, they can handle a lot of ideas, hence why people accuse us of making issues between them and their kids. Its like, I'm sorry you suck so badly as a parent you can't handle explaining anything other than a strict binary to your kids. Be better.

[@nelsonth]

Truly. Especially when they throw worse conditions in other countries or the past, in our face, to say we should be grateful. Like saying, "at least we don't throw you off buildings!" Yes, and?! That's not even the bare minimum.

[@Magical_Melanin_Megan]

Preach!!! More of this please

[@KatBlaque]

@Johnny Hammersticks An easy one would be that cis women aren't dealing with the long list of issues transgender women deal with because they're transgender. For example, I had to legally change my gender marker before I was employable and I wasn't able to do that until I was in my early 20s. That's half a decade of me struggling to find work and being rejected because I was transgender and my paperwork didn't align with my appearance. That's a very basic and central part of being cis. Generally speaking, you are not fighting for the most basic aspect of being recognized as your gender.

[@Mariooo57]

@Johnny Hammersticks Just to add my own experience as a trans woman to what Kat has said in her previous comment, but personally I'm currently struggling with my legal name change. The fact it's not done yet has been holding me back in so many aspects (changing jobs, going back to school, figuring out another living situation...). Finding a new place to live has been unsuccessful so far, and until my name is finally changed, the only solution I can think of is to find roommates that are trans as well or at least trans friendly. It's a strange dissonance because I am perceived as a woman on a daily basis and rarely get misgendered anymore, yet on some of my paperwork you see the picture of a person who looks drastically different to my current self.

[@suoutubez19]

Great video. I don’t like the notion that there’s always a “middle ground” or that you’re just supposed to suppress yourself to make another person happy. Why should you have to be nice to people who “disagree” with your existence?

[@nukiradio]

There is no middle ground with people who want to take your rights away

[@whittybench5788]

Well, as someone who LIVES with transphobes who are in most control of my life and what I’m allowed to do- you kind of need that middle ground to not get kicked out because you don’t have anywhere else to go and grow In simplest terms

[@FrozEnbyWolf150]

It's like those people who think they're being politically nuanced by trying to meet fascists halfway. How are you supposed to compromise with an ideology based entirely on causing direct harm to groups of people? Then again, I have no problem agreeing with half a fascist. Just as long as I get to do the chopping.

[@Zephur0s]

yes, for me the LEAST I can offer to my family who is against the lgbt community is empathy and the benefit of the doubt that they have their views like this because of their religion or they are just ignorant and that they don't understand certain things

[@nerdfantasyxox]

@@whittybench5788 that’s not a middle ground, that’s just oppression. You don’t have any power in the situation so it’s not a middle, it’s you being forced to concede to their abuse.

[@smelly4498]

i respect my dad as a human being and the man who tried to raise me, but when his beliefs impact laws that directly harm people like me, i have to take a stand. i am not trans but i am queer, neurodivergent, and disabled. so much of my grief has been because of his control over my life, and his inability to allow me to be happy by my own definition, and not his. i suppress so much of who i am to please him while letting him take as many shots at me as he wants. i am a people pleaser through and through and most of my therapy this past year has been devoted to setting boundaries and eventually letting him go. i don’t intend to take up the important conversation being had here, and i have so much respect for your strength and emotional intelligence. my heart goes out to anybody who has to make these difficult decisions, and i hope one day we all find peace.

[@sarmegwantwatchmovie]

Yeah I had a kind Dad who genuinely loved me and yet still voted for people who would take my rights away. Hard to reconcile that kind of love, let alone reciprocate it

[@aazhie]

@@sarmegwantwatchmovie my mom tried to defend T Rump's No Trans in Military BS and I think that just baffled me. I really can't decide if I deluded myself or if they were really just that awful. It's a dreadful position to be put into, I feel that...

[@elyaequestus1409]

I can really relate to that experience. My parents are the same way, they love me, they care about me and they would do anything for me. Except accept my neurodivergance and accept that their daughter isnt 'taken by autism' but just autistic. And that my basic state of being is basically cause for offence on their believes on how the world works. Instead of providing tools so I can advocate for myself, they denied it and their convictions caused me to hate myself. Now I am in therapy with them to find middle ground. And what middle grounds looks to me, is accepting who I am, what I am and them laying out what their expectations are. Because I am done doing their emotional labor for them.

[@teallineart8805]

@@elyaequestus1409 I can only guess what middle ground looks like to them.

[@elyaequestus1409]

@@teallineart8805 I think the simple answer is that for them middle ground is that I keep my 'autism in check' so that it doesnt have too much impact on them. 7 months later, we are still in a similar stale mate. They still expect me to 'read the room' and 'understand what they are going through' instead of communicating this like a healthy adult does. Knowing that I am being gaslit helps against the gasliting. Speaking up against the gaslighting and about the confusion that they cause, also helps a bunch. I also have have surrounded myself with people that listen to me and make me feel being heard. The fact that my trauma responses are becoming an inconvience to my parents, frankly helps a bunch with altering their own behavior. It is just a very, very, VERY long road.

[@hsg57]

Imagine the kinda privilege you need to have to think we need to hear out someone who causes us constant harm.

[@nukiradio]

The audacity

[@v.3T]

Nobody is harming you tho. Projecting something that someone might have done to you, is litterally harmful and will only spin the wheel of hate even further

[@ravenfrancis1476]

@@v.3T Transphobia is inherently harmful.

[@muscularclassrepresentativ5663]

@@v.3T rhetorical violence leads to real violence. So do bystanders. Being infected with hatred and bigotry makes you terribly dangerous, fresh material for hate crimes or even genocide. Rhetorical violence has always come first

[@FrozEnbyWolf150]

@@v.3T In psychology there is a direct causal link between rhetorical violence and physical violence. The former never exists in a vacuum. To understand how this works, consider sexual harassment, and what usually ends up happening to the people it targets. It's not just isolated harmless words.

[@trenvert123]

I also don't like the idea of it being a child's responsibility to make the effort to repair the relationship with their parents, after the parents have damaged it.

[@charliebeaux4059]

YEEEEES LIKE WHY???? YOU BROKE THIS OMG AHHHHHHHHH

[@ooostarb3rryooo]

There is no "middle ground" when humanity is the center of the conversation. And there's a cognitive dissonance to ask the victim of the oppression to willingly go into an oppressive situation and just "save face" for the oppressor. While the oppressor is continuing to abuse someone's existence and identity. Which is traumatizing to the victim. You wouldn't ask a woman in an abusive situation to meet in the middle with the abuser. You wouldn't ask a holocaust survivor to meet in the middle with a nazi. And hopefully with same logic, you wouldn't ask a BIPOC to meet in the middle with a racist. Why are Trans people the exception? Why ask a Trans person to endure emotional, spiritual abuse just to save face? Some of ya'll really need to sit with yourselves and ask why you give so much grace towards the abuser, but not the person who's being abused. 🙃

[@chocokittybo]

@Johnny Hammersticks Misogyny doesn't negate cis privilege any more than racism does. And most of the challenges that cis women face are also faced by trans women. Because most bigotry isn't based on what a keryotype says your chromosomes are, it's based on how people perceive you at a glance

[@Rosemary46840]

Trans people aren't The exception though they do this to black people all the time, otherwise I do agree with you completely

[@admiraloverdone]

Kat: ‘I was probably making art or some other nerdy shit’ Me, drawing while listening to this video: you know what-

[@HanaTheRussell]

I feel this so much. I hate when people say family is everything and trumps everything. We have to look out for ourselves at a certain point. My family was abusive to me and I cut them off completely. I don’t love them. Some people have this idea in their head that you are existentially required to love your blood relatives and if you say you don’t then you’re just in denial or going through a phase. My parents were abusive. I left them six years ago. I have never once regretted it and my life has been so much better since. I don’t love them. And that’s ok.

[@themuffinmaster22]

I cut off my abusive family four years ago. Best decision I ever made. I still have complicated feelings towards them, but they have no control in my life anymore. I'm glad to see that I'm not alone in experiencing this. Good for you, deciding to take care of yourself and do what's best for you. I hope you have people in your life that love you and accept you as you are.

[@halifaxx55]

My mother just unloaded all her childhood and marital trauma unto me and my brother because she had no one else to turn to to do it. I have forgiven her on my end a few years ago, but that reality will ALWAYS be there. It will NEVER go away. I ran the fuck away from them as soon as I could and visit every once in a while.

[@stuckinthelazycorneragain4016]

My father was abusive and a criminal and I cut him out of my life a long time ago, best thing I ever did. I don't love him and people shouldn't expect me to because he is "family"...no he isn't. People often pity me or feel bad for me for not having a dad which is infuriating because I chose to leave him because he was literally ruining my life and my mum is all I have ever needed and wanted. You NEVER have an obligation to love or stay with people who are awful.

[@paulmcgrory5165]

The family structures in late capitalism are disintegrating. The sound and fury against transgender is a lashing out against the dying of an obsolete institution. The churches and conservatives are raging against the dying of an imaginary concept. And they accuse transgender of being imaginary.

[@stevegruber4724]

ooh ooh, i get to break out my favorite um actually! The original phrase is "the blood of the battlefield is thicker than the water of the womb" because the bonds between people who shared in a struggle are stronger than the bonds between people who happen to share relatives.

[@cinemaocd1752]

Transphobes, homophobes, racists all hiding behind the shield of religion. Why not look at the inclusivity and love in religion instead of the tiny particles of hate??? My mom is a bigot and she got way worse the more religious she got. My dad was just homophobic, not terribly religious. He's dead now, so I don't have to worry about including him. I'm a bi woman who came out at 50. A big part of that delay was the years of homophobia I was exposed to at church and home. As far as I'm concerned if she wants to come to me at the holidays, that's fine, but I will never go through the stress and expense of traveling to her. She knows that and whines about it, but honestly IDGAF. My son is bi too and I'm sure as hell not going to expose him to more bigotry than he already has to cope with to make her feel better. Thank you for all you do, Kat, you are one of the clearest, strongest voices on this platform. Enjoy your holidays and celebrate with your found family.

[@nukiradio]

The church doesnt have a tiny particle of hate. I too, grew up in the church, and wound up ejecting myself. They all glean their holiness from how much they're not [group goes here]. The whiplash between a myth of acceptance and a lecture of damnation gets exhausting.

[@XxxX-cv7mh]

Because their religion tells them to hate those things. I don’t know if you’re aware, but it is clearly evident that the Bible takes an anti-homosexual stance.

[@jayebailey9332]

Their the Same people to tell you there is no hate in their religion.

[@apinchofdisappointment]

@@XxxX-cv7mh mistranslation

[@XxxX-cv7mh]

@@apinchofdisappointment Explain how it’s a mistranslation.

[@ForeignManinaForeignLand]

I have similar sentiments when it comes my acquaintances that are also extremely right wing. How do I continue a friendship with someone who essentially invalidates my very existence? We had camaraderie before they went full mask off with their racism. Do we still have solidarity?

[@nukiradio]

No

[@brib6046]

There was never any solidarity. They never saw you as a person if they invalidate your very existence. If they can not see your humanity, why would you even want their camaraderie? I had to cut a lot of acquaintances and “friends” off for this same reason and even though I have virtually no friends now, I know it’s healthier to not have these people in my lives. And I am being more proactive with finding healthier relationships for me. I wish you the best of luck doing the same. From your other comments and videos I know you are self aware enough/conscious enough to recognize healthy friendships.

[@ForeignManinaForeignLand]

@Samantha Ivy thank you! This mostly extends to White colleagues that out themselves on social media

[@ForeignManinaForeignLand]

@@brib6046 i absolutely agree 💜

[@TheLily97232]

I personally cut off people who doesn't align with who we are and stand for

[@oops383]

I cut out an entire side of my family because they maliciously would “talk politics” with and about me. I said I wouldn’t visit again if I wasn’t respected as a person because it had been years and no one would respect my pronouns. I didn’t even change my name. I was polite. I was patient in explaining everything. I responded like an adult when I would be screamed at for simply correcting pronouns quietly. It hurts that it’s seen as me hurting my mother when I’m the one who has problems regarding dysphoria and isolation. Ive still constantly been asked and expected to educate almost everyday while reaping no benefit, including my correct pronouns being used (this should be a given). It’s just exhausting; I’m not sure what a middle ground is when all the effort comes from one side and nothing from the other

[@Yaddayaddago]

👏

[@IsaRican810]

I find the bit about not having to agree on ideology particularly interesting because ostensibly your ideology is based on your morals. Why on earth should I have to put up with people that I think have shitty morals and ethics? Because we share DNA? That’s patently ridiculous. If you’re a bad person who brings negativity into my life I don’t give a damn if we’re related I’m not putting up with it. That’s the exact logic that had my mom putting up with being abused by her mother for decades.

[@rozinamouz9286]

I 100% agree. Its not like we are disagreeing on pizza toppings or a trivial matter, this is peoples lives and human rights. If we dont agree on those then we dont have compatible morals and I dont want you as part of my immediate circle, the end

[@brokenfoxproductions]

Honestly, I'm kinda jealous of people like you who at least were tolerated to some extent by their parents after coming out. When I came out as bi/pan in middle school, I got dumped in foster care, and then when my foster family found out I was queer, they really badly abused me and sent me back to my biological family, who just let me be homeless in my teens and 20s and have repeatedly tried to have my jobs, homes, and kids taken from me. The only person who doesn't hate me is my grandma, and that's because I take care of her since she's been widowed. It kinda sucks to be hated by the people who were supposed to raise and support you support unless you can support them.

[@OpqHMg]

This is atrocious. I'm so sorry this happened to you 😔

[@brokenfoxproductions]

@@OpqHMg it happens to a lot of people, unfortunately. Not all parents deserve their children, and a lot of children deserve better parents or guardians.

[@lefthasty2122]

So sorry to hear this ❤

[@zeeenno]

*hugs*

[@LavenderBeeHoneyTea]

This breaks my heart. 💔 I hope you are doing better and safe from their evil.

[@stardustdaydreamer1581]

I'm non-binary, but I've had similar experiences with my parents refusing to accept who I am, refusing to even try to use my pronouns and name, and still expecting me to put in the work to have a good relationship, and that's not even considering the other parts of my identity that they've disrespected. I can understand that it's hard to get used to they/them, and I can understand that they're old, and this is new to them, but I also understand that I deserve to be respected for who I am, as do you. Honestly, this video made me feel so seen, especially with my current situation with my parents. Thank you, Kat. You have genuinely made my afternoon better.

[@thelastkushbendr7091]

So it’s disrespectful for your parents to call you the name they gave you at birth

[@AlexandritheGr8]

@Stardust Daydreamer my niece now identifies as non binary. They are 17 and has been queer at least since they was 12 or 13. I believe I am their only full allie with their dad reluctantly supportive, but not when my sister is around. Watching this video and reading your comment further helps me understand what they may be going through, not able to express their self and it saddens me a great deal. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with the world. Whether you know it or not, IT HAS HELPED ME❤

[@jbak87]

No such thing as non-binary.

[@MamboCat84]

I'm non-binary with a conservative family so I felt very similarly "seen" by this video. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to be respected as a person. I realised I'm non-binary a lot later than Kat realised she's trans but the situation she describes is similar. I've not been to see my family at Christmas for the past two years, this will be my third, because as an adult I just can't take it anymore.

[@phia._.]

@@jbak87 Oh..well then how did these people comment? Hmm..must’ve been the wind I guess

[@aravisthetarkheena]

My philosophy is "if a friend did this to me instead of a family member, would I still be their friend or would I accept that." Family members should never be able to get away with behavior that no one else would ever get away with.

[@supersoniiwave]

Masterpiece of a video, the ending line gave me chills. This is why I get so damn frustrated when cis, straight people tell me "I just don't care about politics", because I don't get a choice. My existence as a trans person is political whether I like it or not. As a trans person living in the Midwest, I'm aware that every day of my life I occupy the same spaces as people who would probably want to kill me if they knew more about me. Cis people choosing to stay away from politics is such a display of privilege that it kind of makes me sick, knowing that 2021 has been the deadliest year for us yet. We never got the choice to care or not care.

[@ane3sha]

yeah like that tweet was NOT it. the personal is very deeply political. i’ve never been one to debate bro my parents, but it doesn’t make any sense that one could still have a close (positive) relationship with someone who fundamentally believes you shouldn’t exist.. if you have that, maybe you shouldn’t? 😭 like maybe its time to make new friends

[@bobbler42]

Religion is a terrible excuse for bigotry. Enjoy your holiday.

[@rimut230]

@@malcolmreese2175 "sob sob nobody lets me to harass people because I am a Christian sob sob" dude you can have whatever religion you want but speak for yourself aight?

[@mezziriggs3873]

When I was at college I made friends with 2 Muslim guys, we got along great, and one day they asked me which political party they should vote for if they don't support gay marriage, and I told them I was bisexual and NB. A year and several respectful debates later they both joined the LGBT society at their university, they sent me a photo of them both surrounded by the gays and the trans and I've never felt more proud of anything in my life! I don't think you should force yourself to be around people who are willfully ignorant and bend over backwards to convince them, but it goes to show that some people are willing to overwrite their programming and can change if open to it. It's worth trying to reach these people.

[@lordanzu8763]

I just want to say that that's awesome and I'm proud of you for doing that!

[@brib6046]

I love this blue hair so much! Colored hair on Black women, especially blues, are my weakness! And it looks phenomenal on you!

[@benathon5444]

I don't think her hair is her blue I think it's just the lighting

[@KatBlaque]

@@benathon5444 yeah it's the lighting, but I have had colorful hair in the past;

[@cthulhutheendless1587]

Hair still looks great tho

[@dseray9494]

Had a moment with that comment But the hair looks great alright

[@biffenheimer]

@@KatBlaque I was in the comments thinking "oh damn I thought it was the lighting, that's her hair?" Anyway sounds like a heavy video. My gut reaction is to say the "common ground" I'd prefer to have with Transphobes to just sorta refer to the generous distance they keep from me. Preferably on the level of kilometers.

[@Sgublaka94]

It’s very hard for me when I get crap from my parents for being a cis-man who has a bit longer hair and wears nail polish. I can’t even imagine what you trans-people endure. I love all y’all trans-peeps ❤️ You deserve more but that’s all I can give for now 💙

[@neoqwerty]

You're valid as hell, man. Hair length and not having boring-ass plain nails doesn't say a single thing about your masculinity, it just means that's the style you wanna rock.

[@sillygoose2878]

@@neoqwerty and it’s a dope style

[@koii319]

Normalize men not being boring and start participating in some fashion !!!!!!

[@RJLK0518]

I think that political beliefs are very indicative of one's character. I hate when people say "We can still be friends and disagree on politics." It is incredibly reductive of their overall beliefs. If you believe people shouldn't have rights then you're a piece of shit, no way around that. Saying it is "just politics" is so disingenuous and disconnects your beliefs from the harm they cause.

[@nukiradio]

I feel the exact way. The whole "no, I dont think you should have rights... we're still friends tho right?" Thing is horseshit

[@mo.ka.9661]

It's incredibly reductive to reduce it to people "not having rights".

[@felixflax19]

@@mo.ka.9661 agreed - a lot of the time the difference is one about the definition of what it means to “have rights”

[@mo.ka.9661]

@@felixflax19 no, what it's the question of what counts as a legitimate right

[@r.i.pmydog7723]

@@mo.ka.9661 just look at the human rights list, silly. all those rights are legitimate

[@epicstare99]

I'm having this exact issue myself with my family, only instead of being religious, they're liberals who say they accept trans people but it all actuality are just as transphobic as the religious right, hiding behind "concern" for trans people. I've been out to them for 2 years now for context and I still get deadnamed and misgendered everytime I see them. Everytime I bring it up to them in a sympathetic and patient way, all I get met with is excuses on why they don't do it. "I've only ever seen you as the gender you were assigned at birth", "you need to be more patient, I grew up in an Era where trans people didn't exist", "if you keep bringing this up all the time no one is going to want to hang out with you". My mom in particular came over to my new apartment and in front of both of my roommates misgendered and deadnamed me the entire time. It was insanely awkward even for my roommates who felt like she was talking about someone else the entire time. I texted her later in the week politely saying that what she did was pretty hurtful even though I know she didn't mean it. Surprise, surprise, I was met with the same excuses I've been hearing for almost 3 years now. But my alt-right incel brother who lives in their basement who has threatened, harrassed and even assaulted multiple women is just "misunderstood". I'm considering not talking to them anymore after this Christmas because for them to be happy with me, I have to surpress my own identity and completely forego my own happiness. I don't want to, but anytime I try to meet in the middle with them, they get angry and throw every excuse in the book at me as to why they can't/won't do it.

[@kkimsey5866]

Ug, that sounds so terrible. I'm sorry you have to experience that. I hope things get better either because your family fixes themselves or because you don't have to deal with them anymore.

[@chrissy9997]

"you need to be more patient, I grew up in an Era where trans people didn't exist" This excuse really stands out to me. My early baby boomer / late silent generation grandmother at least makes an attempt WITH growing dementia! She's far from perfect which is very understandable in her current condition, but she tries and doesn't make excuses. Heck, she's very excited to tell her church friends about me which she is well meaning about and I'm ok with since I don't really hide the fact that I'm trans outside of presentation.

[@stormchasingk9]

For me, the worst thing was people that'd say things like "I still love you, that's between you and your maker." Insinuating their maker wouldn't make such a mistake with me. Sometimes I look back at friends I had in my life, and wonder if they'd have been my friend still if they knew I was gay.

[@elohiymkingdom9453]

I'm not religious at all. I have a friend that is gay and it doesn't effect my relationship with them at all. Who am I to judge them. That is not people's place.

[@ane3sha]

as soon as i heard the question i thought, if there’s a middle ground, trans people are already on it. the real question is how do we get cis people to that middle ground? there are so many sacrifices trans people have to make simply for survival. how the hell you meet somebody halfway while.. not traveling your half of the way? 😫

[@bryyyyy]

The “stop switching” comments were always so strange to me Bc my parents would say it to me too and I would be like ?? 😭 it’s how I walk go away!

[@KatBlaque]

Lol same. Like my only way of being around them was basically to lack a personality and be quiet cuz anything I did got me called out.

[@magolor7856]

I have family who told me to stop running with my hands out. In general, my more feminine gestures and ways of speaking have been the subject of ridicule and jokes since junior high school. Though, it hurts the most when comments come from family, regardless of if they've been said with the best of intentions.

[@nergregga]

I can relate so much to all of this. I've spent for too much time in the closet for my family's sake, to not make them feel uncomfortable, while sacrifising my mental health in the process. I am so, so tired that they persist to hold on to that misrable shell of person I used to pretend I was, instead of seeing the guy whose finally got his shit together and grew up. It's still always about their feelings and their comfort, and it makes me not want to be around them.

[@KatBlaque]

Yeah and for me it so bizarre because I don't even remember that person it's been so long, but that's all they remember.

[@bedoil]

I'd like to get to a point where existence in itself isn't considered political (if that's at all possible). As a genderqueer person I've had people turn my gender into a debate topic right in front of me. As an AFAB person, my bodily autonomy is something I'd have to fight for (I've heard way too many stories about women being denied tube tying and such). Not to mention all of the systems in place that make nearly all of our identities political. It's tiring...

[@asterismos5451]

ok fun life hack where if you mention being trans to a doctor they are way more likely to give you birth control or similar things without needing you to beg at them quite so much.

[@bloodbuddy7]

I'm not trans but I relate to so much of what you are saying about your family's simultaneous rejection of you but expectation that you be around them and just accept the disrespect... It is a horrible feeling to be forced into being someone you're not, supposedly in the name of 'family love'.

[@juniperfox1064]

Yes yes yes, all of this. It gets so frustrating when people fixate on a trans person’s gender and take issue with it, and then frame trans people as the ones who are persecuting.

[@v.3T]

It's so frustrating when trans people focus so much on their gender, that you can't avoid the topic anymore and when your opinon dosen't reinforce their views, they fear all trans peaople. (trans-?phobes?)

[@bixxbite7461]

@@RyanOManchester I really don’t see what your comment has to do with what OP is talking about?? But also, “force of law and collective temper tantrum”?? It’s pretty dishonest to frame it like that, because what else should trans people try to do but gain protection through law, stand up for themselves and not engage with people who don’t respect their identity?? Like, what’s the alternative?? Letting cis walk all over them and be okay with being misgendered or deadnamed?? Most trans people don’t think about their gender all the time and just wanna vibe. They aren’t demanding that EVERYONE change their entire view of sex and gender like you seem to think.

[@tonylex3760]

@@RyanOManchester When you were born the exact thing you're describing happened to you ! Arbitrary conceptions and gender roles were forced on you by media, direct parenting and laws, why don't you say the same thing for that ? Why don't you oppose that ? It's simple. It's because you grew up with those conceptions on gender. That's why it does not feel like a social construction but "fact of reality". I just think this whole trans debate is FAR more simple than all this. Here it is: there are people don't feel like the gender they were assigned at birth, not addressing them by the gender they want LITERALLY makes them far more likely to commit su*cide. So let's not do that and everybody lives.

[@magolor7856]

@RyanOManchester You seem to have a reading comprehension problem when it comes to comments made by trans people or their allies. In the, probably over a dozen comments I’ve seen you comment to, not one person suggested or even implied that they want or are trying to change the way others view gender and sex. It seems to me, you’ve come to this comment section blinded by your own preconceived notions of what trans people feel and say and then proceeded to argue in bad faith. You are welcome to comment in the comments section, but I’m not sure what you think you are contributing to this discussion with the same few sentences you’ve almost word for word repeated.

[@v.3T]

@@magolor7856 it seems to me you have a life comprahansin promblem, they are, that's why i am cobstantly scremed at for saying: " I DON'T GIVE A FLYING F***, LEAVE ME BE". But none of you want to listen, the second sombody says YOU contribute the problem by forceing everyone to use that wasy of thinking. And you can't tell me that nobody is pushing that stuff, becouse it is literally thought in kindergarden.

[@idkok8897]

man this hits close to home as a cis lesbian with a religiously extremist family, I can't imagine what it's like for trans people. Wish you the best!

[@Envision_]

Do you date girld(!)cks? If you don't, they you are a bigot

[@idkok8897]

@@Envision_ Actually as a matter of fact I do/would date trans women if I weren’t already taken :) what was your point? Also more respect, please.

[@idkok8897]

@Johnny Hammersticks Im not bi. I don’t care what you say. I’m secure in my sexuality enough to know that dating trans women doesn’t make me any less of a lesbian. Use whatever transphobic label you want though, doesn’t really affect me.

[@idkok8897]

@Johnny Hammersticks Nah, lmao it’s not homophobic to include other people (of the same gender ofc). And if you don’t want to then, um, go ahead no one is forcing you to do anything. And yeah, you’re right Johnny, you aren’t going to change my mind to convert to bigotry. And for your information, that is none of your business. I shouldn’t go into detail about my dating life to “disprove” your comments invalidating my identity.

[@GrayzoneGab]

Dear Kat, I have watched your channel on and off for years now. I don't know if you will see this, but I just want to tell you that I know you've been through so much, and your resilience is inspirational. Never cease to be who you are, and being proud of it.

[@stannonbeador]

It's crazy how being mistreated by family can make us wonder if prioritizing our own happiness is acceptable. Can only imagine how much tougher it is for a trans person than a gay man but proud of you and everyone else here who has chosen to love themselves in spite of the world sometimes begging us not to ❤

[@sindraxo9249]

It was really cool that you linked your personal story so seamlessly with the reality that trans people face. The "middle ground" is us essentially self-harming for the comfort of people who don't care to put in any effort for us. I think anyone would agree it's an incredibly toxic relationship. Life is far too short to bother doing that for malicious people. It also really got me thinking when you talked about how your father deliberately wanted to adopt a boy and that might affect how he treats you. As someone who is also adopted I wonder if my parents might have felt the same when I first came out. Gives me something to think about.

[@nukiradio]

My biological father hated girls and women. He desperately didnt want a daughter, not even as his second child. Welp Sorry

[@sindraxo9249]

@@RyanOManchester I'm not forcing anyone to overhaul anything. Just like Kat everyone I meet sees me as a cis woman. I challenge 0 gender norms. Besides nobody owes the world their identity. You can be whoever you want to be. It's everyone's job to treat others with respect though. We learn that in kindergarten.

[@aw7145]

@@RyanOManchester and to add on to what SindraXO said, the existence of trans and nonbinary people and the differentiation between gender and sex doesn't suddenly make it so that cis men and cis women can't be men and women, nor does it force individual people to change their conception of their own gender in any way

[@melaniewilson1742]

@@nukiradio I’m sorry but this made me laugh so damn hard, single-handedly made my day.

[@mo.ka.9661]

@@sindraxo9249 It isn't anyone's job to treat anyone with respect. Nobody owes your idenity validation.

[@melissabaril3363]

I've been a cis person my whole life, and yet, it's not difficult at all for me to imagine that being forced to engage in incessant accusations of not being who I am would be unbelievably tiresome, and cause me to put as much distance as possible between myself and the Spanish Inquisition. Life is too short.

[@THATGUYJT]

People don’t want to understand that

[@llGemini19]

This video could not have come at a better time for me. I got a shocking taste of reality at just how the people you'd think would be accepting of you turn out not to be. I won't get into the details, but I had a very negative experience with a family member who I thought wouldn't be problematic and it just proved to me that even the people you think would be ok, can turn out not to be. Also unrelated, but the blue lights in the background make it seem like your hair is also blue and it looks gorgeous!

[@theindigoboogeyman243]

Yeah, something like that happened to me too a few years ago. I hope you've been dealing with the holidays ok, shit can get especially complicated around this time of year.🖤

[@SailorLarkspur]

can never stand hearing about the tragedy of abandonment from parents... I know it means nothing from a stranger but I admire and look up to you so much Kat. To be so strong and lovely and helpful to others despite the hardships you have faced is such a triumph it deserves acknowledgment. Hope you have enough people in your life now that tell you that.

[@Setsunako6587]

I (sarcastically) *LOVE* how people with nothing to lose always want marginalized people to "be more sympathetic" to their oppressors, but that energy never seems to go vice-versa 🙄 Just came to like and comment. I'll come back to watch the rest and leave the cool kids emoji when I'm in a different mood 🤦🏾‍♀️ Love you, Kat! The podcast/call-in show has been giving me *LIFE* 💖

[@zombieprince5139]

Like others have said, it doesn't make sense to try to be friendly and respectful with someone who doesn't agree with my existence. It's ridiculous to think that we as trans people should just accept transphobia quietly in order to keep things "peaceful". If a person starts insulting the other mid conversation, is it expected of the other person to just smile and take it? No, then why is it different for us?

[@KatBlaque]

@RyanOManchester, I think what people in your position need to very firmly understand is that by the very nature of a person being transgender, they've already accepted, understood and acknowledged the way most people see gender and sex; and how you continue to say in other comments "womanhood and manhood". We know how most people feel about gender and sex and that's part of why we feel alienated and it's also a part of how a lot of people eventually come to understand themselves as transgender. When you are raised being told that this is what you must do, how must feel, how you must present yourself because of your sex, you are very firmly getting that message. I've never really "demanded" that anyone change their own conception of gender and sex, but I do acknowledge that many cis people cannot possibly accept or acknowledge transgender people without questioning this. The problem here is that you are presenting transgender people as disruptors to a system that truly isn't absolute. Yes, many cis people understand their gender as a reflection of their sex, but in all reality, gender has very little to do with sex and is instead a collection of ideas around how someone should be if they were born a certain sex. There's a pretty big difference between a transgender person upsetting your understanding of gender and a transgender person forcing you to accept them. Like I said, I've never really had to do this. I was accepted very comfortably as a woman very soon after physically transitioning. I didn't "simply declare myself to be something" and then demand that the rest of the world conformed to my perspective; I devoted years of my life, sacrificed the very relationships discussed in this video (which is extra alienating when you're adopted) and had to deal with a lot of other rejection before I was able to exist in a space of comfort in this world. And that space of comfort is largely predicated on the fact that I assimilated into a narrow idea of gender. This is why I describe myself as quite privileged in that regard. my experience is unique, but still not terribly uncommon. Going back to my fist paragraph, most transgender people are incredibly understanding of the fact that most people will not understand them. I don't think we register that as transphobia on average. What we do tend to register as transphobia is actual antagonism because we are transgender. Being misgendered or deadnamed on accident hurts, but most people expect that it's going to happen. Having someone antagonize you because you're transgender is very different. It is intentional and it's there to break your spirit until you relinquish your gender entirely. It's there to make the space so unfriendly to you that you either stop participating in it or detransition. That's what people are saying they don't want to stomach. Please read some of the comments from trans folks in the comment section.

[@BelMisi3000]

@@RyanOManchester Imagine if this was the Renaissance and the church was saying "wow you really expect us to reconceptualize our entire world view just because one dude is going around saying the earth is round and not flat?!?!" this is what you sound like. You're uninformed and unwilling to step out of your ignorance to see how it hurts other people

[@Parrot5884]

Something that frustrates me is when I hear people say "Will if you don't befriend [insert adjective for someone who oppresses a minority l] how will they change?" The reason I hate hearing it is because it _always_ carries the implication that marginalised people are in the wrong for not fostering friendships with people who hate them/advocate against their rights/etc. I understand the importance of conversing with people on the opposite side of the story, but it is entirely unfair to expect the people affected by such individuals to just be friends with them. Spoiler alert: if you don't believe in my rights, I don't like you, *and why should I?* I appreciate the marginalised folks who regularly have conversations with their oppressors, but it is entirely unreasonable to expect _all_ marginalised folks to do that.

[@melaniewilson1742]

THIS. YES. Engaging transphobes is the above and beyond for us, not the expectation. There are people like Kat who have been doing this for years, but most of us just want to live our lives. The fault isn’t on us for trying to do that, it’s on transphobes for politicizing our identity and making a huge fuss about it. I see the same thing with black people. There are racial activists and whatnot doing good work, but most black people aren’t invested in discussion of racism beyond “I would like to be treated normally and with respect, please”.

[@Mae_Dastardly]

Hello, Werm

[@selectedshipper8282]

“I guess that’s my middle ground” *THE AMOUT OF SHADE IS ABSOLUTELY ICONIC*

[@Ladyladieladee]

It’s so wild that they have such a wildly successful and well adjusted daughter, and they don’t even want to acknowledge it. You’re amazing and I’m glad you’ve established boundaries you are comfortable with.

[@bambii_thinks3147]

You narrated this really beautifully Kat, i don't know why im crying but it was moving. Thanks for sharing.

[@yourTownsEnd]

Being non binary, I am sick to death of cis people (and some binary trans people) acting like who I am is *soooooo complicated* and whining about how it's *soooooo hard* to use my pronouns. It's not that complicated, and it's not that hard, and I know you're not incapable of trying, you're just choosing not to. I've chosen not to keep the company of people who will not choose to respect me.

[@neoqwerty]

The only time enbies are complicated is when you're writing one and they have more than one pronoun set, it's a scene with other characters who also use one of the pronouns, and you're left trying to make it clear who's who without sounding like a Smurf with using names too much. But that's a writer's struggle, most people aren't writers despairing over pronouns, they're just lazy butts. May you have less idiot exposure for next year, friend.

[@elohiymkingdom9453]

I don't agree with pronouns. I think they are ridiculous.

[@nadiagrzeszkiewicz-oneill573]

@@elohiymkingdom9453 you used pronouns three times in that sentence alone.

[@elohiymkingdom9453]

@@nadiagrzeszkiewicz-oneill573 yes I know but I'm not going to refer one person as "they".

[@nadiagrzeszkiewicz-oneill573]

@@elohiymkingdom9453 what do you do when you don't know a person's gender then? pick a random pronoun set that isn't they/them?

[@sugarsugar475]

Kat, you are so grounded, intelligent, and more self aware than most people. Thank you for educating us and helping us to understand the transgender experience.

[@v.3T]

So why do the people here all so arrogant, hateful and dismissive, even tho I do agree with kat on many issues and nobody ever tried to harm a Transperson. I mean bruh i get called shit (by you) and your side still wants to canvel everyone they don't like man. If yall would meet people face to face, rather than just childishly screaming at everyone, we wouldn't have a problem in the world.

[@AndromedaChace]

@@v.3T many trans people are harmed by those who hate them. That why they can't always give everyone a chance and can be defensive. It's literally survival.

[@KatBlaque]

@@v.3T what do you even mean that trans people aren't harmed? I have a very even tone in this video but trust me, I've been more than harmed by my family rejecting me. It's what lead me to being vulnerable enough to be groomed.

[@v.3T]

@@KatBlaque well i never had family, school tryed to be my parents, i was always an outsider becouse i was diffrent and the austrian government is trying to lock me up for it. You don't see the whole picture, and i get that it is very emotional for you, but you can't ignore everyone else if you want to change world. Who we are is determined by the scars, and that just creates more and more hate, becouse all of us have beein tought that everybody else is the problem.

[@KatBlaque]

@@v.3T I'm sorry but I've been creating content like this for 16 years of my life and it's honestly deeply fucked for you to insinuate that I haven't been doing the work to help people unpack Transphobia. You might be new here but I've helped thousands of people and that's me being modest. I DO see the big picture. Cis people are not and never will be invested in understanding transgender people to give a fuck enough to shift their transphobic views. That's the big picture and I'm still here trying to help people.

[@R0mbVs]

Honestly this. I pretty much wont interact with my fathers half of the family because I have always felt othered. How I would kill for them to see this and realize that at best a lot of this is how they make me feel. Thank you for being so forthright and for being you

[@faemaiden5090]

Oh yes, just in time for the holidays! Playing this for my pseudo-catholic family who dare call themselves progressives while also call my cousin her dead name, thx Kat!

[@PalacinkyPDX]

About two years ago, I broke off contact with my religious (Orthodox Jewish) oldest brother. He's a big fan of Dennis Prager, Prager U and Ben Shapiro, and when I brought up my concerns about it, he dismissed my perspective and how, as a trans woman, I have no right to complain so long as he's 'nice' to me. He wants to have a phone conversation about what vacations he's going on, or talk about the distant past, and I just can't do that anymore. On some level I love and care about him but I'm not going to put up with his passive aggressive garbage. It (the middle ground) just isn't worth it to me. Unless there's a genuine effort on that other person's part to truly listen, learn and evolve, connecting with them is a waste of time which will just eat away your insides.

[@aprilflowers5738]

What strikes me as “rich” about Jewish conservatives is that they’re consorting with the same people who not so lonng ago historically, would’ve seen us as sub-human and “Christ killers”

[@gray7624]

As a young person who’s figuring out their identity (I identify as genderqueer at this time) who lives with a very religious family, this video had me in tears. My family is sweet. They’re good people. But that doesn’t stop them from talking about how “there’s definitely a gay agenda” and “trans people are delusional” or how it’s a choice, how it’s not real, and other stuff. It makes it so difficult. So I’m at a point in my life now where I act like my real self when I’m away from family. And then I pretend it’s all whatever when I’m home. It is so horrible. Yesterday was my birthday, and I went with my parents to the store. I wound up feeling that overwhelming clash of who I am inside vs who I have to pretend to be and wound up crying in the middle of the underwear isle. Existing is so hard. So to anyone out there who isn’t accepted- or is only partially accepted- I want to say that you are strong. You are amazing. And you deserve the world. Be you, okay? There are people out there that will accept you.

[@francesca8895]

Thank you for this. Sending you all the love in the world.

[@shadowynne]

Hey, I'm adopted and raised in a strict religious family, funny old world. I love your channel and take great comfort and insight from your videos

[@emilyganguly277]

I just straight up fight with my parents, it's been brutal and heartbreaking, but they know for damn sure I'm not going to back down or accept deadnaming or he/hims without fighting for myself. It's brutal to surrender all hopes for a middle ground, but when you don't pass you are forced into permanent defensive positioning. The box gets put on me every day, and every day I rip out of the box with a smile on my face. It's made me hella strong; but it was so painful my path.

[@Noble-X600]

Thank you so much for these videos, you as well as other KZbinrs like Sam Collins helped me let go of my disgusting transphobia and years later it’s still helping me as I try to understand and uplift and love my trans girlfriend. C: please keep these up! I’m genuinely interested and I love you as a person and creator so much!

[@THATGUYJT]

Im a cis black man but I do hold the same kind of views associated with the LGBTQ community my family on the other hand no. I try to point them to educational things and tell them maybe they should see things from the communities point of view but it's like talking to a brick wall tbh just living with them and having to hear ignorant conversations gets under my skin sometimes. I don't know how to handle it cause it's just like how don't you have no empathy for that community and they also come off as the same conservative white people they hate so much (my family is black) which is sadly Ironic sometimes I even think it would be easier to be like them so I don't have to argue but I just can't think like that. Hopefully some day I can move out and have less interaction with them for my own mental health and find some people I can relate to.

[@THATGUYJT]

@@Gloopglorpthealien believe me it’s stressful

[@elohiymkingdom9453]

Everyone will not agree. Sometimes it's just life.

[@leviacronym6770]

Living with toxic people is hard and I feel that. Don't change yourself unless you're doing it to better yourself. It's always easier to do the wrong thing and harder to do the right thing. I'd rather challenge myself every day then give in and be like the people that hate me and others.

[@steelplatedheart]

"Meet me in the middle." Says the unjust man. I take a step forward. He takes a step back. "Meet me in the middle." Says the unjust man.

[@roguepumpkin1514]

It’s impossible to find a middle ground with people who don’t want you to Exist

[@des8336]

I almost got emotional at the end when you said that was your middle ground. I love it when we take our power back by setting boundaries. If you give me nothing but breadcrumbs, maybe I’ll toss a little flour your way too.

[@kjonely5787]

That reminds me of when I came out to my missionary grandparents as a lesbian... you can't really agree to disagree when one side is arguing that an important part of your identity somehow means you're somehow less worthy of respect. It boggles my mind that a religion that likes to say God is Love spends so much time going around hurting so many people. Actions speak louder than words and when the actions cause harm it doesn't really matter if you do it while saying you love the person you're hurting.

[@katherinemorelle7115]

There’s really no middle ground between respecting someone’s humanity and not. You either do or you don’t. And afaic, those who don’t aren’t worth spending time with. It’s just not worth the damage to my mental health. Thankfully, I didn’t have to cut out my parents, but I have cut out other family members.

[@katherinemorelle7115]

Also, your hair looks absolutely bangin! The curls and the scarf… the way the light hits it. Knocked it outta the park.

[@spacepiratecaptainrush1237]

"Meet me in the middle," says the unjust man, you take a step forward, he takes a step back. "Meet me in the middle," says the unjust man.

[@emeraldcrus8r]

I do not comment often, but I wanted to share my story to show appreciation. I found your perspective invaluable when trying to better empathize with my sister-in-law who is of Honduran dissent and no longer attends family gatherings because of the otherizing she experiences and the emotional labor that her and my brother-in-law go through. I was able to use this empathy to better express to the rest of the family the fatigue brought about by these casually racist and otherizing comments in a confrontation Christmas Eve. I am happy to report that one of the family just dropped by to further discuss these concepts as well as request educational materials, to which I immediately shared this video. Thank you for the work you do, we truly could not have properly started this conversation without you.

[@KatBlaque]

Aw that really means a lot to me to hear!

[@nerdfantasyxox]

I don’t believe in middle grounds in regards to human rights regardless of religion. If you have to tear down another persons core part of what they are and can’t control to validate your beliefs then you’re ethics are trash.

[@magolor7856]

I couldn’t agree more!!

[@sarmegwantwatchmovie]

Perfectly said

[@rosa9865]

What about women? Do we deserve any rights?

[@magolor7856]

@rosa 98 Yeah. Of course women deserve rights. I’m a little confused as to to why you’re asking that. No one in this thread said that women don’t deserve to have rights.

[@adelaide7822]

@@magolor7856 I have a feeling that the person is a terf, and feels that trans women are "erasing women's rights"

[@HeroSaintless]

I've been binging your videos for a few weeks now, and I am not surprised in the slightest to hear that you were a singer. Your voice is so beautiful, hun. I've been out for about a year and a half as a binary transwoman and the thing I'm most self-conscious about is my voice. Listening to you gives me hope that I can get there some day (and I learn things from the video too, how nice!) "One of my biggest frustrations with Christians, honestly, is that frequently they will frame their desires as the desire of their deity." This is a great point, and it was so heavy that I had to pause the video and sit and think about it, ha ha. I grew up with religion being a big part of my adolescence too, and that explains a lot about the problems I had with American Christianity.

[@raraavis7782]

This reminds me of a conversation I had with my best friend, when we were maybe 17 or 18 years old. I had lost both my parents to unrelated illnesses at age 15 and 16, while she had been sexually molested by her step uncle - apparently without her mother and stepfather doing anything about it, when they found out. Her biological father had a new wife and kids and didn't care about her at all. So she said to me, quite matter of factly: 'Well, your parents are dead and that sucks, but at least they loved you and protected you, while they were alive'. I'm 41 and those words have stuck with me all my life. Now I'm not sure, if my pain back then was any less than hers, but at least I can let my parents and my past 'rest in peace', as they say. How could you ever just get over having been abused or abandoned or rejected by your parents? How can someone do that to a child? I'm so sorry, your dad never came around to really accepting you even later on. I can't imagine, what that must feel like.

[@felisazure1820]

I relate painfully to your experience. I've had situations where my parents act accepting, but then act strange about the clothes I am comfortable with, my pronouns, or the concept of a name change. Being with friends I thankfully can be myself, and I've learned to not care about their discomfort and just worry about them all. They can handle it and I shouldn't have to put that pressure on myself. I'm taking it one step at a time. But I'm privileged in that. I'm glad to see people discussing how many family members make the idea of being trans political, and how trans individuals should not have to argue about their identity, even with family. So many don't even try to understand how they're putting someone in that position and it's so frustrating. This video was so well spoken, thank you for putting it out there.

[@francesca8895]

I have similar sentiments about my family attending anti-LGBTQ churches. On one hand, I can understand how people don't subscribe to every belief that the church they attend has. At the same time, I feel uneasy knowing that people close to me are funding churches that preach hateful rhetoric against queer people. I'm still recovering from religious trauma so it's tough. I wonder if there's a middle ground there. I don't feel like there is. Great video, Kat. I continue to admire your strength.

[@euqinecart33]

kat is always on point, precise and classy about everything she makes videos about. it's beautiful to watch.

[@LinkleMcA]

Ah yes. The classic middleground between "treat me with basic respect" and "I view you as inhumane and or unholy." There's no middleground that is acceptable because one side is asking for a bare minimum and the other refuses to even give that.

[@lebou9540]

I cut ties with my family on Halloween and moved away...and sadly will never see them again. To each is own but I will not put up with ignorance, and I'm a cis gay male. I couldn't imagine being a transwoman. Happy holidays, Kat!

[@magolor7856]

I’m very sorry to hear that. My deepest sympathies. That can’t be easy.

[@MEGATONHAMMA]

Your story touched me. I admit I’m not as educated as I should be about trans people but, I’m always willing to listen and learn. Thanks for the video.

[@KelechiEzie]

You’re just so brilliant! You are a better woman than me and probably all of us. I’m a cisgender woman and as a black woman I feel like I’ve had a way into empathizing with the absolute trolling imbued in some of these questions you get … Like can you find a middle ground with someone that hates you and doesn’t think you should have voting rights, reproductive rights etc. etc. ( listing my own struggles here with both sides-ism) and I just think it’s so absurd. Yet when you take the time to answer you display everything with such clarity that it gives me hope someone who perhaps wasn’t being completely sincere will actually come to a new understanding. Also the sense of self that you developed so young is absolutely astounding truly.

[@austin.luther]

I am incredibly lucky to have a loving and accepting family. My husband, my parents, my brothers, they all accept me as a man. My dad slips on my pronouns sometimes, but I came out when I was 32 and I know it's just from habit. My father's family is a different beast. Super religious (dad is the black sheep atheist) and live in pretty little Christian bubbles. I mostly feel reluctantly tolerated around them. My older brother is very protective of me at family gatherings and he stays near me very purposefully calling me "bro" and "dude" so everyone knows not to misgender me lest they face the wrath of The Nick. I don't know if I would be capable of your strength if it was my immediate family that was transphobic. You are truly inspiring.

[@Spungle15]

For LGBT+ folks, the personal is very much political. Well said Kat.

[@saynotohate8074]

And that means they are right?

[@traineraude]

i'm a nonbinary person (thought i was a binary trans guy! figured it out after transitioning. still mlm though!) and i Personally will never, *ever* pass as a cis man. i have to accept and love myself for that--not despite that, FOR it. so thank you for mentioning that most of us will never 'pass'. it genuinely means a whole lot.

[@tobeseve4020]

Honestly so much of the trans experience for me, especially in high school, was living the double life and hiding my transness from my family. It's normal for me. To the point that I can't conceptualize what it's like for trans people with accepting families. Like, yeah it sucks, but I'm so desensitized to transphobia from my family that I kind of don't care anymore? But it means I have no tolerance for transphobia outside of it. My mindset is basically if I wasn't born and raised with you living with you for my entire childhood, I don't have the time or mental energy to deal with you making attack helicopter jokes. I have a threshold for the total amount of transphobia I'm willing to deal with and my family saps it up so quickly.

[@brib6046]

I always appreciate how candid and how much you share with us. I know how disappointed and upsetting it is when a parent can not see past the vision they had for you, and be happy for you to be your own person. Because I fell on hard financial times I had to move back in with my parents and it has been tough because I have changed so much and keep trying to enforce the boundaries and respect I expected when I was away from them. I also commend you for the amount of compassion and understanding you give to your dad (and your mom) and I hope to be as strong as you are one day.

[@DrakenWolfwood]

Not much to say except this was a very good and insightful video. This middle ground stuff always exhausts me, especially when what it means to “meet in the middle” requires SO much more from someone like you compared to your parents

[@aaronymous9]

The middle ground argument often is very one sided, one party can insult you, disrespect you and joke about your existence while you just have to sit there, or laugh and go along with it to make THEM comfortable, not YOU, not both parties. It's only about one side. Never about both. This reminds me a lot of when I told my ex best friend I was a transgender male, she was heartbroken, because I wasn't her "gal pal" or anything anymore, she lashed out at me, and was very upset. And when I decided to cut contact with her? She made everything about herself and was upset I would have the AUDACITY to cut contact with someone who didn't respect me, my identity, or my mental health.

[@serpenking]

this video hits really hard as someone in the same situation, desperately waiting for the part where i get to stop pretending and actually be happy. every day feels like a struggle. thank you for showing everyone that it gets better

[@IfLifeIsALeaf]

This has such parallels to the situation my partner is dealing with at the moment with her relations, since the death of her mother. It makes clear how it really doesn't matter what the reason for the hate, it's impact and implications are similar, particularly when it's "family". We tend not to use the word "family" for "relations". Family are the people who love and support us.

[@Toxic_Femininity]

I also was adopted, and my mother and I we’re disowned by my fathers family when he passed (I was 8) then my mothers family disowned us because of a disagreement in lifestyle, and it’s been just me and her since 2005. She passed away last year and I feel completely untethered. Luckily I have a strong and beautiful “chosen family” thank you for sharing your story, makes me feel seen. Love you lady 💜🥲💯

[@magolor7856]

I'm glad that you have a chosen family that accepts you, and I'm deeply sorry for your loss. I hope your life is filled with happiness and laughter, and I wish you the best of wishes.

[@ancientmingyu0604]

So, I’m 26 years old and I’m a trans man, pre T and pre op. So, no hormones and no surgeries yet. My journey as a transgender man really started when I was 14 and my then boyfriend introduced me to a new genre of music that went hand-in-hand with a very certain fashion (Visual Kei, a Japanese genre if any of you are interested). That included a lot of men, usually at least one out of every other band, dressing very feminine, wearing beautiful make up and using wigs or hair pieces/extensions and I was absolutely mind blown. I was head over heels in love with this and I distinctly uttering the wish that I could be exactly like that. A man but dressing very typically feminine sometimes. At that time I had no real examples of men dressing in typically feminine clothes, doing make up and having long beautiful hair. So those men were my first real example and I immensely looked and still look up to them, their fearlessness, impeccable style and utter beauty no matter if they present as feminine or masculine. I right away discarded that thought as absolutely silly because I had no idea that transgenderism even existed. Fast forward to when I was 18. During those four years I do remember often wishing I was born a boy. So many times in fact. I felt really uncomfortable with my body, with being a girl, with being looked at and treated as a girl the way society treats girls and anything that has happened to me because I was a girl. And this exact thought is still very permanent in my mind btw because today it still makes me ask myself if I’m really trans or if I just want to run away from the way I am treated because I “am” a girl but that’s for another day. I had a trans friend at that time, a trans man who was in the middle of transitioning and it took me months of us being friends and talking about his experiences until it one day just finally clicked in the loudest possible way in me that “Hey! I feel so strongly with him because THIS IS ME!!”. And since that day my life has significantly changed. Fast forward to the current day. My first out of two younger sisters has completely accepted me, calls me by my chosen name when we’re alone or with our friends, I came out to my friends a long time ago and have a boyfriend of almost 8 months now who completely accepts me for who I am as well and whose family accepts it just as much. The problem is my family. The only person I have come out to, besides one of my sisters, is my mom and the first talk we had about this months ago was just terrible. She told me that she was proud that I was brave enough to tell her but that she just wanted to shake me and tell me to wake up and stop this. And afterwards she did not mention it again and let me tell you, I was MISERABLE. I was so scared that I would loose my mom and that she wouldn’t love me anymore and cut me out of her life if I ever mention it again. My family, especially my mom and my sisters and I, have been through a lot of bad stuff which has resulted in a lot of mental illnesses for all of us but we always had been a unit in a way and I feel like I couldn’t really move on if I didn’t have her in my life anymore, which definitely is a topic for my future therapist if I ever find one. But just a couple days ago I talked to her again. Very carefully because I just needed clarity on her stance. If she really would cut me out I needed to prepare myself for it, is what I thought. All these horror stories of people being shunned by the family, disowned and completely removed from their life kept on running through my head and I was deadly terrified. So I just had to talk to her again. And when I did it turned out that not only has she taken it seriously when I came out to her and had thought about it a lot but she had even told her therapist about it. And he said to her “Your child’s happiness should be your own, too. And if that’s what makes your child happy you should try to be happy about it.” And she told me that that’s what she would be trying to do from now on. She said she can understand where I’m coming from a bit and that she can understand if I want to transition, that she would be there and although it obviously feels like she’s loosing her first born, her daughter, which she is, she wouldn’t lose the person I am and I become and that she also wouldn’t lose the memories she has with me when I was younger. And she said that she loves me and will never stop loving me. We kissed, we hugged, I literally cried because I felt as relieved as I never have done before. You guys cannot imagine just how incredibly relieved I was. I will be forever thankful for having her as my mom ❤️ My grandparents are rather religious, evangelical and I don’t know how they will react. I’m still not even sure if I really want to tell them or not. My uncle and his wife will probably come around like my mom did and my great-aunt, well, is honestly not that important. There’s no father in the picture and the only reason why I haven’t told my youngest sister (who’s 13 and has a transgender friend at school) is because she tends to spill a lot of stuff unintentionally when around the rest of the family and because up until recently there was that uncertainty between my mom and I. But the future, thankfully, does look way brighter for me now. I finally have gained another little piece of myself in a way, I feel, by having my mom stand behind me. Just today I caught this sweet ass woman wanting to call me “meine Süße” which is a German form of “my sweet” in a way. Like “sweety” or “honey” but in German it is feminine. She wanted to say it but stopped herself and instead literally called me “my sweet child” which is such a huge step, in my opinion. I love her so much and I’m just so freaking happy right now. I hope all of you have a great day and that you’ll be happy and healthy ❤️

[@_etwas_]

I read your story and I am really glad that your situation is going to turn out fine! I am sitting here with a big smile writing these words right now! Please keep in mind to you always have the option to turn to counseling and advice organizations! No matter what is happening, if you feel the need to talk to professionals, please don't hesitate :) You deserve to be happy! Ich wünsche dir und deiner Familie nur das Beste, passt auf euch auf und frohes Fest dann :)

[@ancientmingyu0604]

@@_etwas_ Omg thank you much 😭❤️ Das ist so süß von dir!! Ich weiß das wirklich zu schätzen und es tut unglaublich gut das mal von einem Landsmann zu hören, auch falls du Schweizer oder Österreicher sein solltest 😉❤️ Ich wünsche dir und deiner Familie auch alles Gute, Gesundheit und frohe Festtage! 🥰❤️

[@_etwas_]

@@ancientmingyu0604 Dankedanke :) Bin selbst Teil der queeren Community (ace und agender), daher finde ich es wichtig, dass wir uns gegenseitig helfen, unterstützen und stärken! Vor allem finde ich es unglaublich mutig von dir, dass du dich schon so früh geoutet hast... Ich selbst bin bereits Mitte 30 und habe beides erst die letzten Jahre über mich herausgefunden. Vorher war immer nur das Gefühl, dass das alles nicht ganz stimmt, aber jetzt ergebe ich selbt mehr Sinn für mich, wenn du weißt was ich meine. Nur habe ich den Eindruck, dass es mittlerweile "zu spät" wäre, mich zu outen, auch weil die Leute um mich herum jetzt nun mal anders kennen als Mann und Hetero. Kurzum habe ich auch etwas Angst davor, dass es mir da ähnlich (wenn auch nicht so extrem) ergehen könnte wie in Kat's Video. Meine Freunde und Family sind zwar tolerant, aber du weißt selbst, wie kompliziert dass ganze zu erklären sein kann, vor allem wenn man das Gender/Sexualitäts-Thema von vorne erklären muss und gegen die eingefahrenen Annahmen angehen muss. Es ist zudem auch nicht hilfreich, in einem kleinen Kaff zu wohnen, das überpropotional AfD wählt. Viel gender-nonkonformer Ausdruck is da leider auch nicht... Naja, ich werde meinen Master in Psychologie machen, engagiere mich in der psych. Beratung/Hilfe von LGBTIA+ -Leuten und irgendwann komme ich nicht drum herum, die Leute vor vollendete Tatsachen zu stellen, aber das schiebe ich noch vor mir her.... ..Wollte dich jetzt auch nicht mit meiner Lebensgeschichte vollmüllen, aber ich wollte damit zeigen, dass wir zusammenhalten müssen. Menschen wie du liegen mir am Herzen, ihr/wir verdienen Glück, Gemeinschaft und Sicherheit und deshalb mache ich mir auch gerne immer wieder die Mühe, und wenn es nur in einem doofen KZbin-Kommentar ist :) ..übrigens sehr inklusiv von dir, auch Österreichys und Schweizys zu erwähnen ;)

[@gabby.maya11]

Thanks for this video Kat. I feel the same way sometimes about my parents. I’m not trans (I think??? Been questioning my gender lately) but I am Bi and gave up Christianity that my parents raised me with my whole childhood. I always hide myself from them and they disapprove of my life choices which is stupid because I’m just a regular person. But they see everything I do as sin. It’s hard to make middle ground with people won’t make an effort to meet in the middle

[@halifaxx55]

You got it there, "middle ground' to them is you making all the effort and them, none. It's like this with friends and family, I have removed myself from them in a lot of ways.

[@BrittanySimon]

You are so compassionate Kat. It's definitely what attracted me to your work 🙏

[@Non-Dari]

As I told her before, our life path number is 6 the number of nuturing and being compassionate. That's why I also felt drawn to her. she's living out her purpose by being the light and voice for us who felt like we were yelling into a void for so long!!!

[@cronchyskull]

I am listening to this, thinking in turn about my own relationship with my extended family, the things big and small I feel I have to suppress to please them... All while drawing Bulbasaur.

[@KatBlaque]

haha I'm working on a video where I draw pokemon from memory. ahah.

[@cronchyskull]

@@KatBlaque A woman of excellent taste! 🤣 I look forward to it!

[@magolor7856]

That's awesome and also really wholesome! Bulbasaur is such a cutie! I have a drawing, somewhere in my keepsakes, of Slurpuff and the Regi trio. LOL

[@cronchyskull]

@@magolor7856 Not gonna lie, this drawing is a bit of a magnum opus for cute I'm so proud 😍

[@magolor7856]

That’s pretty awesome! I’m glad you’re proud of it, and I’m sure it looks amazing! 💜💜

[@erianaharrison8783]

Black cis female here who has been watching your videos for years, who genuinely cares about trans issues, supports you, wanst to be informed and to understand, and wishes you and other trans people the best! I hope I am not a tiny %1 minority. 😭 Love you Kat! ❤

[@billyb7852]

I remember being called to HR in an old job about disrespecting a colleague’s religious beliefs. His beliefs: that all gay people should be imprisoned, killed or castrated. That all gay people were a danger to children. That all gay people were paedophiles. That it was his duty as a man of God to proselytise to me, to save me from an eternity of burning in hell. The woman in HR informed me that his right to religion was protected by anti-discrimination policy, and that my position as a gay man was not more important than religious rights. I will never forget the way she explained it. She said: “That’s what equality means.” And smiled at me like I was stupid. I grew up Christian, those beliefs are not Christianity. I honestly think if I had said anything along the lines of what he had said of me about Christians, I would have been disciplined and fired. A lot has changed since then, so I don’t think it would happen now, but I never take my working rights for granted, and although I can understand the perspective of that lady in HR, I think they’re wrong, I don’t think that’s what equality means, and I really hope she doesn’t work in HR anymore.

[@caitlinstanley8329]

I could never understand what it is like to be trans. My experience with being an openly gay woman has been similar. I'm expected to not talk about being attracted or dating women. My mother is allowed to demand that I stop being gay because its a sin and she doesn't want me to go to hell. (This is like a once a week lecture.) I'm expected to go to church with them every Sunday and sit through a mass about how people who are different go to hell. I can't really go to family reunions bc me walking through the door causes problems. My mother gets angry if I wear male shorts or if I go out with friends anywhere bc I might be going to do something gay. She and my grandparents talk about me marrying a man eventually even though they know I'm gay and completely ignore me when I correct them. When I moved out, I made sure it was right before the holidays because I didn't want to still be in that house when the holidays came around. Since I moved out only two months ago, I'm less depressed and honestly I have less suicidal thoughts.

[@evanunhinged5771]

Y'know, this exploration of "the middle ground" does make a lot of sense. I think a lot of people who try to ask for that middle ground see it as trying to reach a "net-neutral" thing, but that's kind of impossible considering the scope of the argument. Being transgender is a neutral thing, it's just something you are/can be, whereas hating and shaming someone else is (I *hope*) inherently bad. So when you try to find the middle ground between "neutral" and "bad", you still end up with, at least, "kinda bad", so like 😅 It doesn't really work the way a lot of non-ally cis people think it does

[@LOYUITA]

Kat, queen I adore this. I feel a lot of people don't dive into this complex way of addressing family life and boundaries. Proud of you because I imagine it must've still hurt to speak about it all, even with the confidence. But hey, at least you'll be spending the holidays with someone who loves you for you and won't reject you ❤️

[@dusundavarfreohr3491]

Wow. What a CRIMINALLY underrated video. I love you took this personal angle at an issue when you didn't HAVE to. You could have just discussed this, pulled up a couple of streamers or political figures and called it a day. But you decided to be vulnerable, and by relating heavily to you, it exposed some hostility and doubt I find in myself when thinking about my estranged parent. I feel like you provided a lesson not just on the trans experience and how trans people are viewed in the world, but, within a much wider scope - a lesson of understanding and compassion for myself and others. Thank you.

[@straberryshinigami15g97]

This is a very timely video. I always get a ton of anxiety around Christmas time because honestly, half of my family does not deserve presents. I agonize over giving the presents when I don’t feel like they deserve presents from me, when my dad won’t even use my correct pronouns, and my stepbrother is angry about me being a non-binary person. I’m going back to visit (I live in another country) for Christmas, and honestly I don’t want to give them Christmas gifts because it just seems hollow, like all of the trauma and abuse I’ve suffered has just gone away now that I’m an adult, but it hasn’t really. What makes it even more complicated is the fact that my parents are divorced and my dad side of the family lives so close to my mom so it’s like if I want to see my mom I kind of have to see my dad because the two of them are still in contact. It just sucks because I don’t want to give people that don’t deserve it presents. I would rather not see my dad. I’d rather not see my stepmom because unlike how much she’s trying right now to you be a better stepmother, she always gaslit me as a kid from the abuse I got with my dad. And I confronted her about it ,and then she also denied it and try to gaslight me again. So yeah I wish I could just not see my dad‘s family but it’s complicated.

[@Moonshinehearts]

When you share your struggles I feel a little less alone. Thank you for bringing me this comfort

[@nerfirelia3994]

When I came out as trans nonbinary, to a whole group of people that I considered friends, some of them were Transphobic, I didn't and couldn't associate with them anymore. Only a few stayed my friends who were mostly trans women and some other guys who respected my identity. In short, I wouldn't continue being anyone's friend if they turned out to be transphobic, I couldn't find a "middle ground" with them either. If I couldn't change their mind on my identity and the entire trans community as a whole, the friendship stops there. I can respect them as a person, of course. But I won't agree with their bigoted and close minded views on me. Even family or just people at work etc. you shouldn't associate with, if they are transphobic and eat up whatever the right-wingers feed them. If they can't come to an agreement with you, that your existence is valid, then you shouldn't talk to them. I would cut off anyone from my circle if they happen to be like this. Unless they truly want to understand the community and the people and have a change of heart.

[@LADYCLOVER18]

Great video. The best decision I made in 2021 is to start getting educated about trans issus and cis privilege. I'm still learning everyday and the content you put online (andr others trans youtubers) is amazing. You are heard. I hope you spend an amazing holiday. Stay wonderful!

[@corvideer1738]

I've been trying to figure out this conversation with my parents. Thank you for this, you're doing such amazing work

[@magolor7856]

I hope all goes well.

[@chelseas561]

Thanks!

[@Irrlichtwinter]

If a trans person is expected to compromise and compromise and compromise some more, while the other party just rests on their point of view and continues to negate the trans person's existence & identity, how is that a "middle ground"? A true middle ground would require the other party to politely respect the trans person's gender & pronouns, even if on the inside they disagree, otherwise, the pain and harm of the interaction will always fall heavily on the side of the trans person. You can never find a stable middle ground if one of the participants is disproportionally hurt by the exchange.

[@colegroulx6277]

Thank you for making this video Kat! I’m a 30 year old trans man and haven’t seen my family for years because of them not understanding my transition and their religion (French Catholic). I myself have tried to explain to them how I feel since I was around 13 years old, and have been met with slurs, guilt trips everything under the sun. My dad recently reached out to me saying he felt no connection to me as a child anymore and that he wishes we would talk but only if I “go back to the way I was”. I may send him this video, in hopes that since it’s a very well spoken and great explaination of how I feel when we try to talk to one another. Thank you and much love ❤️

[@bellastname1244]

Great video, and man it is really distressing how often bigots say to meet them in the middle, as though swallowing just half the amount of disrespect and hate is okay, and equal to asking the bigoted folks to just treat you with basic human respect. Like someone offers you a fistful of dirt and asks you to eat it, and you say no, so people tell you to just eat HALF then, and why are you refusing to just try to compromise a LITTLE.

[@bellastname1244]

@Johnny Hammersticks I have no idea how what you said related to my comment.

[@deku3i]

@@bellastname1244they are being transphobic, ignore them.

[@bellastname1244]

@@deku3i I figured that would be the case, yeah safe to ignore them completely.

[@illiwd]

I felt this one hard and had to watch it twice. I'm not trans, but I remember being a little black kid (unaware of my queerness or gender fluidity) and dealing with abuse and hate from my own family for things I didn't even understand about myself yet. Then, years later, it was exactly as Kat said. They magically popped up with, "it's ok, we tolerate and forgive you." I suppose people like this generally think we all wait pinning for them to tolerate our existence, but I do not have the spiritual/mental/emotional energy to spend on that. I built my life and choose my tribe, neither of which have room for hate-filled "tolerance." Thank you Kat.