The narcissist's UNREALISTIC expectations vs your REALISTIC expectations

[@WendyDrayke]

It's cowardice that renders them unwilling to take responsibility for their actions.

[@AnnabBay]

Narcissists are not always focused on an ordered, clean environment. They can be incredibly messy and disorganized. Expecting others to clean up after them and/or live in the mess with them (without judgement or complaint) is one of their unrealistic expectations. Their time and energy is more valuable than a livable environment. Thank you for all of the great insights! I think it is important for people to know that narcissists can unrealistically expect you to live in tangible chaos, too.

[@jasrussone]

This is so important to know. I’m living with an incredibly messy and unorganized person and I am going through WWIII because I set the expectation that common areas be clean.

[@Judyjlefebvre]

Oh lordybe, 12 years with the biggest Narcissist I've ever encountered. I'm away from him and living my life happily & in peace. It took me many years and many tears to get to this point. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for all your help with learning how to identify & heal from all he did to me. You describe his actions and behaviors towards me 100%. I'm staying single because I don't trust my choices in men anymore. 😊

[@cymbolichuman433]

Still you never know

[@unomeecj]

I'm still trying to get out 32 years and counting. I figured by my 53rd birthday. I'm gonna say 53 and free!

[@unomeecj]

But I don't trust my opinion either and I'm gonna do like doctor R said and take a year to do everything by myself Christmas birthdays and reinvent myself relearn who I am what I like do what I want celebrate new traditions of my own before I see anybody I'm going to take. An entire year after that I don't think I will be able to trust myself still however. I want at least know if I go on a date and things my boundaries will be set. I don't have to get involved to where I'm in a relationship too much work. I don't want to answer to anyone any more ever. I don't believe in true love I just can't.

[@karencox8699]

❤❤I love the Silence 😀I have been completely free since 2016 and in my own place! God has fully taken care of me!

[@sushmayen]

They want us to feel guilty for something they do. Its hard to ignore them and maintain our sanity.

[@iahelcathartesaura3887]

1000 million thumbs up to your simple and core accurate comment! (They are babies & toddlers stuck in adult bodies, with all the frustration, emptiness, need and pressure of being an adult baby, which they cannot handle. They do not know what to do with themselves or with any of their relationships. They all want an angel mommy, a true to life fairy godmother because they are babies. And babies are not equipped to take blame or responsibility for anything.)

[@RainbowCatButterflyTV]

So true! So true I don’t know what else to add

[@carolnahigian9518]

just. Plain. Nuts! 🤮

[@unomeecj]

@@iahelcathartesaura3887 💯🙏❣️

[@kriswinters4225]

Exactly

[@unomeecj]

I can't tell you how much I look forward to every show the tone in your voice. How realistic you are you help me so much doctor R IReally. Appreciate you.

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Perfect is enemy of mental health! - it is so true dr Ramani ❤thank you. God bless you❤

[@janelleortiz9046]

After so many years of it it made me sick. Now I’m working on rebuilding my health. It’s weird how much guilt is involved in being good to myself.

[@Nasa87ve]

My mother now expects her 3 adult children to act like we are a family again with her in control. There was so much drama because I had other plans than seeing her on my birthday. And then the raging began. So frustrating that she'll never see that her expectations are not normal.

[@MrMasterDebate]

When my narc grandmother and narc uncle demanded I give them my disability check… when they are so rich they have both 2 houses… and they thought that was ok, my jaw hit the floor.

[@Rb79_85]

Dr Ramani. I just want to say a huge huge Thankyou from the bottom of my heart. I was discarded by ‘the love of my life’ and have been full of anxiety, heartbreak and ptsd following this. It was only after talking to a friend when I told her some of the things he said and did to me that I realised he is NOT normal. Your videos almost read like a script of how this man behaved and treated me. I just didn’t see it at the time. It’s been 6 months and I’m still healing (and still sad over it all) but I will continue learning in the hope it will help me move on and justify to myself exactly ‘why’ I have ended up the quivering wreck that I became. Thankyou x

[@ouaddahjamel5482]

Thank you so much Dr Rahmani. All is right 😊

[@lorihuffstutler700]

"Scary Bond villain office"😂😂😂😂😂

[@AlanChambers]

I received a special gift to celebrate the release of the new book. Thank you.

[@beths9006]

Every, single word of this video is 100% accurate. And sadly, I have experienced ALL of it. Thank you Dr R for validating this for us. ❤️

[@georgirancour198]

When I saw Sleeping with the Enemy I cried. Also Stepford Wives.

[@georgirancour198]

I agree with Dr. R, I was extremely lucky he left, but I can't emphasize this enough, it was as awful, long and expensive as if I had left.

[@TheBaumcm]

Same. Encanto, Waitress, and a host of others, all textbook narcissism and hit just a little too close to home for me to enjoy.

[@EmilyRamirezenergyinsights]

Though I don’t know you personally, Dr. Ramani I love you! You have changed my life in so many ways and I’m so very grateful and I cannot wait to read your book. I’ve been following you for several years and to be able to sit and read a book with your voice in my head is just Divine!

[@sandyhenry3238]

THEY are emotionally and mentally exhausting.

[@moregaming49]

And if you don't meet their expectations they retaliate! The part that makes me need to get away the most is the projection of their own narcissism onto you once they become aware of narcissism and then you can feel them trying to paint you and corner you into a "GOTCHA!" moment where they talk down on you and call you this or that. They are perpetually a victim and if you actually show emotion they say you are acting like a victim! It's like they claim to be the scapegoat black sheep empath, while at the same time literally using you as the scapegoat. I had a gf for 5 years but a year into it I caught her lying to me but she begged me to stay just to ghost me 4 years later while I was at work for someone older with more money. I don't really trust anyone anymore, it feels like I can't, but maybe it is for the best.

[@angelawade1445]

Stay strong until you can get out.

[@TheBaumcm]

The cynic in me wonders if she might not try to actually get the police in on it. Might I suggest some very subtle nanny cams? They make them very small and you can wire them in to relay and download. Most are really easy to use. At least you could have some clear evidence in your defense.

[@TheBaumcm]

Also, I know it’s crazy making. Remember that this is indicative of her faults not yours. Recognize that there is no way to meet expectations since they don’t want you to. They just like watching people hop to, center around them, and in their more sadistic moments, squirm in guilt. I know it’s difficult to trust when the most fundamental relationship is this dysfunctional and you’ve had really bad experiences but instead of focusing on her, focus on what you can do to leave the fear behind. In other words, work on the one thing you have control over, you. Figure out what life you would actually want without her as a factor. Then, go for it.

[@craigmerkey8518]

Thank you Dr. Ramani! I realized as a very ver young child... specific memories around 4 that key family members were going to have temper tantrums no matter what choices I made. I just went on with my life. It was a double edged sward.

[@catut7042]

Towards the end, I found that the best way to deal with my ex saying that things needed to be done and expecting me to drop everything and do it (he actually told me that this was what he expected) was to tell him that if it is so important to him, he is welcome to do it himself. I got the house in the divorce (which is only fair, I was paying for it) and the things he wanted done, still aren't done. But the leaks in two of the bathrooms are now fixed. Yes. Fixing a leak was not as important to him as trim on the floor. Of course, one of those bathrooms was his personal bathroom, and it's now a walk-in closet.

[@frogismyhandle]

Watched this to the end and yeah... this is sad like I was told by my sibling I dont give her the time of day, because I felt her competition vibe on social media, all I did was start protecting my energy... now I've never given her the time of day. When Ive gotten up and gone outside with ptsd, hypervigilence paranoia, onto public transport where I'm stared at by strangers, without my phone data hoping the next bus doesn't leave without me, brought her a treat on a bad day, been there for her last minute like idk...

[@philippiansfourseven]

So true. I’m living in it as we speak.

[@HP_Quinn]

This feels so validating! I used to go out of my way to do something thoughtful and kind for them and it'd always somehow turn into a lecture about how awful I was for doing or not doing something else.

[@lynneforesman1647]

Rules the kids and I had to live by: Absolutely NOTHING out of place outside. All bikes and trikes put away according to “Dad’s” specifications. Dinner MUST be started in the oven or on the stove by the time “Dad” walked into the house. Absolutely no one is to interact with “Dad” for the first 20-30 minutes after he arrives home. After that, interact at your risk. Never interrupt “Dad” when he is watching a T.V. program. Especially the News. I Any of these rules were violated at any time all HELL BROKE LOOSE!

[@ac9938]

I had a Narc guy who is involved in the occult, spied on me via astral projection then dared to get mad at me because I was not wearing sexy enough clothes while at home alone while this guy wore clothes that has stains on them. The double standard is ridiculous! These people are sick and disgusting.

[@vaneeand]

My partner and I are coming out on the other side, after having no contact with his family. If an adult child has no contact with parents and sibling, why don’t people realize that it is deeply difficult decision. It was, and is, best for our nuclear family. “The delusional entitlement” that they have to see ournchildren but cannot be cordial or respect our boundaries. Over one year no contact, I feel lighter. The toxic weight has been lifted.

[@wendy3992]

I'm so thankful to you for what you share. I just preordered your book on Amazon. You have completely changed my life. I was abused terribly by all kinds of narcissists because my parents were abusive narcissists. I went with what was familiar. Because of you I am continually freeing myself from their abuse. It's been a life of hell. You helped change that. I'm enjoying myself now and so much more. Congratulations on everything you have done. You change people and help them out of hell. I am sooooo looking forward to reading your book. Thank you❤

[@nollie9311]

You explained my last 7 years of my life. My kids dad has expected all of this. Cleaning up the mess from his presence has been exhausting.

[@wandakaluzny4963]

Thank you for discussing the plight of a child of a narcissist (mother, in my case). It coloured my world more than I even know.

[@BlackCat-eb7ci]

One of the most confounding things is they expect people to be mind readers to please them. And they think they are mind readers and that their pronouncements are law. And when time passes, and their edicts turn out to be wrong, they never apologize. Do they think they control the world through force of will?!

[@michaeleckert5877]

Prefect will wear you down.You can miss out on so much.😊

[@RatedArggg]

This reminds me of an incident that happened when I was a teenager. My mother went out on an errand, and I decided to clean the kitchen while she was gone. It's not something I usually did, but it was grimy and I thought, why not? When she came home, she immediately starting shaming me for "not cleaning the kitchen." I told her I had cleaned it, and my father told her I'd cleaned it. But she kept on nagging me. If I hadn't cleaned the kitchen? She probably wouldn't have said anything.

[@t_nels]

You can't win and It's not you and respond accordingly.

[@pinkyndebrain4578]

My covert narc husband’s expectations were always going to be disappointed because - he wouldn’t say what they were! I was supposed to read his mind, my family on tiptoes for years…

[@TheBaumcm]

Guarantee of you had met his expectations, he would’ve gotten pissed because he felt violated that you could read his mind. Mine does.

[@anngregre]

I am not a psychologist but I think I am a covert narcissist. I have never thought about me this way. That specifical behaviour is so about me and I don't want to do that way anymore but I don't know how. I don't want to pretend I am not the person who I am. Please please please can you make a video reaching to a narcissistic person about ways to minimise their toxic behaviour. Maybe there is a way to heal... I appreciate your job! The channel is great! Thank you!

[@TheBaumcm]

Good for you for exploring this! She has made some videos in the past specifically for people who think they might be narcs themselves. I would say focus less on the diagnosis and more on the difference between your behaviors and what you want to get an idea if you might need some changes and what kinds of changes to make. For example, most parents want a close relationship with their children but some are a bit unhinged. Some of those parents recognize their role when children push away and recognize that their behavior is not in keeping with their goal.

[@Ben-ru9ju]

“Their scary bond-villain office in order” 😂🤣🤣 Dr. R has a fabulous sense of humor!

[@dyanberg6263]

It’s not just their expectations that are unrealistic. Their understanding of life events are also unrealistic.

[@EuphoniaPooch]

Congrats on the book and thanks as always for illuminating this topic

[@SigmaEmpataLevante]

It is the nature of the beast.

[@BillyLintzenich-wf7sk]

My narc/raging alkie ex gf calls me an abusive liar yet its her who have done those to me.

[@NaturalSpring-k5p]

Its called projection. They just do blame shifting.

[@BillyLintzenich-wf7sk]

@@NaturalSpring-k5p yep thats correct

[@juliadplume3097]

I watch The Tourist on Netflix last night and discovered a new overt narc’ character.

[@YoanGabriele]

Excellent, thank you!

[@cymbolichuman433]

I hope you live in a higher ground area in LA county... I never was perfect! So I accepted that and I use to care, but now that's all over with... I found out that I am so much better off to do as I will whether anybody likes it or not... People like me as I am.

[@MrsKAS1]

I’ve just come to realize my husband is a narcissist. I think I’ve always known but now I’m just so tired of feeling like I’ve been feeling that I’ve been researching a solution only to realize the only solution is slamming the door on him. I think he’s starting a new affair and my resentment is building

[@TheBaumcm]

You can go down a whole rabbit hole of diagnosis and can sometimes forget that the purpose is to find a strategy of treatment. Focus on the behavioral patterns and then focus on what you can control, you. You might find that what you resent, in some part, is actually yourself and who you have become in response to their behavior, that you have strayed from your authentic self because of some jerkhat’s conditioning. In your case, it sounds like you might want to get your ducks in a row, if he might discard you in the long run (many do). Myself? I had to figure out how to assert myself during decision making and not let my natural tendency to consider the other person as a factor override what I actually wanted just to keep the peace, even when it was as simple as a food choice. I’m not always successful but because my strategies focus on me, rather than trying to change them, I’m a lot happier.

[@Bitofthisnthat-v1d]

You should have known, You know how I like things, It's always been that way, I've told you before, Could you not see me struggling, If you paid attention you would have noticed, Isn't it obvious. etc

[@berries8691]

Doctor ramani could you please make a video on realistic expectstions vs unrealisitic expectations in a narcissitic Because whenever i express having realistic expressions like taking care of me when i'm tired or unwell they say dont have unrealistic expectatations .so its very confusing

[@melisherwood5300]

Pre-ordered your book and verified. Will I get the link soon for the resources?

[@nancybrooks5696]

Wonderful video as always, Dr. Ramani! Question: I preordered your book Saturday and didn’t see a way to “verify” my preorder. Today I looked in the notes, and still don’t see a link/way to verify my preorder. How do I ? REALLY want to read chapter 2 and receive the excellent bonus material!

[@DoctorRamani]

Here's the verification form: docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSctSQRwHvrc5344KK1RP3SwmMDZP-nZ6r-adOdygPDtm8vXgA/viewform

[@jellyj576]

So how do we fix this??

[@aliciafradsham5240]

❤

[@brittanyrenee8478]

Repent Repent the day of the Lord is at hand! If you have not received salvation from Jesus Christ you will spend all eternity (trillions and trillions) of years in hell...There will be everlasting torment for you and everyone you know who doesn’t know the Lord. There will be whaling and gnashing teeth. Where the fire is never quenched and the worm never dies. Repent today cry out for mercy! A man must be born again to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Jesus said unless a man is born again he cannot see the Kingdom of God. Have you sought out scriptures to know what this means? Do you know the gospel of your salvation? Do you know where you will spend your next life?

[@moniquejackson7741]

So Brilliant. "We are not designed to be pacifiers, punching bags, or mind readers." Staying means understanding they will continue to expect these with no respect for your feelings or needs. You are so great at this Dr. Ramani. Thank you!

[@iahelcathartesaura3887]

YES! I have been saying that for years! And now with good videos teachers and practitioners like this, I see the whole picture, and know I'm not the one going crazy.

[@unomeecj]

@@iahelcathartesaura3887 💯

[@youngblood8540]

There's nothing realistic or unrealistic in the narcissist's BIZZARRO WORLD!

[@jessicaabbott10]

LOL at “Bizzarro” 😂

[@neant2046]

The trickiest part about trying to anticipate a narcissist’s expectations is that they are constantly changing, because they are terribly impulsive, as well as that they themselves are not always aware of what it is that they want, hence even had you been an AI program attuned to them, it’s more likely that instead of finally getting it right you would simply have gotten crushed by their chaotic mind.

[@TheBaumcm]

Exactly! Goalposts are always moving. Their joy isn’t from someone they love meeting their needs but from watching everyone hop to. You help them solve one issue and either you didn’t do it the way they wanted or another springs up. Once you realize that, then you can focus on working within your own boundaries because their anger is like a fart. It always comes out regardless of what you do.

[@camcab147]

No matter what you did, it would have been wrong. That's what I've found with anticipating the Narcissist.

[@TheBaumcm]

I got quite good at it and then was told off because I could “read their mind”.

[@samuelsparling878]

​@@TheBaumcmI wrote outlines of conversations, then initiated them, checked off the parts, showed it to her...that did not go well, because of course it wouldn't.

[@inessiso7733]

Narcissist detector - What I wouldn’t give to see such a device exist in my lifetime. Love you Dr Ramani ❤

[@sViviftie]

just let me check, I got pretty good over time 😂

[@neilmurphy966]

It would melt down error system overload 😂

[@beekinder6953]

In the UK some women describe themselves as having a "resting bi*tch" face. At 65 yrs old, & after a life-time of Narc abuse, (almost free now), I think that women who have such a face are Narcs. BTW, I'm a woman myself and haven't noticed this in men....yet! So my friend I would say, that observation is now one of my narc detectors. Anyone else got clues like this, just visual I mean? Good luck to you friend, I hope you become a narc detector yourself.

[@brandonhealy7158]

@@beekinder6953I like to think I’m a good narc detector. Anyone that doesn’t take joy in your joy (outside of the honeymoon phase of a friendship or relationship) is most certainly a narc. Or when the narc makes an unemotional response to what you’re saying, whether that’s verbal or non-verbal. It’s worked for me so far. X

[@beekinder6953]

Well said Brandon. You're spot on. There's no joy with them. They don't celebrate your achievements or good news. The genuine emotional response isn't there. One saying I learned which ties to what you said about no reciprocal joy is "beware of folks who don't applaud your achievements". Joy suckers. I imagine for you to have become a good narc detector, you would have suffered at the hands of more than one. In which case, I applaud your journey, determination, battle and gained freedom friend. @@brandonhealy7158

[@unomeecj]

He noticed that I started watching your videos. He went through my phone saw that I had many saved He started watching all of them now hes using these things against me saying the I'm doing these things to him oh my goodness talk about gas lighting.

[@MM-il4hb]

That's insane!!!

[@aditijha5737]

​@@keepitonmeatalltime5008 Oh my goodness, same happened with me too! The narc in my life constantly blames everything other than him for his poor academics even though both him and I have gone to same school with same teachers and parents working at the same department. Infact he even blames me for being better than him and always criticise me for 'showing off' 😂

[@angelawade1445]

Glad you are able to recognize this. These videos are so helpful.

[@unomeecj]

Yes he knew none of None of the terminology before he started Reading about it. That's how I could tell he started using the word gas lighting all the time. Gray rocking love bombing you name it. I knew exactly what he. Had? Done so. I went to his Google history and saw what he was doing.

[@unomeecj]

Hes trying to use it against me reverse it on me. The problem is he's the real narcissist so

[@theyellowshoe]

Hence is the reason I treat him as an annoying roommate. He gets mad, but I just don't care how he feels.

[@annjohnson8437]

"Annoying roommate" ... that's exactly what my narcissistic husband has become. I wish I could afford to kick him out.

[@andreabobbette825]

Does it work? Has that given you peace?

[@theyellowshoe]

@@andreabobbette825 yep! Treat him like a roommate, I've had roommates in the past.

[@unomeecj]

😂 That's so funny. He tells me we're just roommates. That's what it feels like to him, because i've been sleeping on the couch for about eight years

[@unomeecj]

​@@andreabobbette825Girl, please. They never give you peace. L o l

[@PARebecca]

And it's always our fault if their life doesn't run perfectly, they never own their own mistakes.

[@ratgirl13]

Yes, I found myself saying to the narcissist ‘Yeah, that’s Not happening!’ Or ‘Are you mental?’ and not doing whatever this person wanted-they are so delusional it’s downright crazy-they want minions and servants 24/7/365 days a year.

[@annjohnson8437]

You just described my crazy narcissistic husband perfectly!!! 😢

[@onlinebusiness3527]

@@annjohnson8437I left my husband a year and a half ago. The best decision in my life. I hope you will find support and love and people you can rely on and leave this man. If you can’t, I hope you protect your mental and physical health 🙏

[@theresae5362]

I did the same. Just before he ghosted me two months ago, he told me, “you need to be broken in.” I hissed, “you ain’t breakin’ s#!t.” He then labeled me as a self-absorbed pain in the ass. 🤣 Loser!

[@unomeecj]

Absolutely hes turned my children into his minions flying monkeys. Yes men it's so sad.

[@ceilconstante640]

Terrible to shame the scapegoat for taking care of themselves. If I wasn't jumping rings through my A-hole for their needs (all 4 of them) then I was being yelled at.

[@donaremensnyder6686]

I know exactly what you mean, I’ve been doing the same with my 2, I’m always either getting yelled or called names, and the guilt trips, I’m getting better at ignoring what they want me to feel guilty about. I’m definitely NOT BETTER, but better than I was for years. In fact, right now I’ve completely disengaged myself from my son who blames me for his behavior. It’s all bc he won’t admit he’s wrong and literally fucked up my life, and I asked him to help me get things back in control and he doesn’t want to help. He’s gaslighting me, too, and I really can’t deal with his bs any longer. The thing is, I’m a severely, chronically ill woman and I’m single and going on 70yrs old. He knows I NEED SOMEONE (him), so he uses that against me. I get hurt whether I do or I don’t.

[@ceilconstante640]

@@donaremensnyder6686 I understand. I grew up with it. I'm 62 have autoimmune conditions. I walked away from my apartment & belongings to watch my Mom since I'm the only one in FL and single. All 3 siblings are Narscissts. Oldest sister passed away but Psychopath brothers never helped. Oldest came down and got abusive right away. I ended up homeless winter of 2017. Was horrible. I'm going to living in my old car again soon..... before they get here. Your son will NEVER HELP YOU! The best thing you could do is follow Dr. Eirc Berg and start doing healthy Keto. I started in 2015. I'm much better. The saying is Once You Know, You've Got To Go!

[@TheBaumcm]

They will never be happy with what you do because what makes them happy is watching you hop to. Remember, their anger is self generated and much like a bodily function, they aren’t in control of it, nor can you stop it once it’s built up. Much like someone with ADHD, who suffers from unequal attention because of low dopamine (meaning only stuff that really interests them can trigger the pathway), they have unequal ability to empathize and control emotion. Only when they have sufficient pressure from the outside (pay, reputation, etc.) can they keep their cheeks squeezed so to speak. It’s really not you. It’s absolutely them and their delusional internal perception.

[@MM-il4hb]

This video says it all.... wow. She really spoke the absolute truth. I can relate to every word she's saying. My ex (the Narcissists) wanted to everything to be perfect all the time and to be fair and honest, her life and our life together wasn't bad at all! No room for complaints! Put it this way, since my ex wanted more and I wasn't doing good enough she took it out on me and left me and my son like nothing!!!! I hate her so much for the damage she caused. I took her back so many times...in a way it's my fault but I couldn't help it because I have a big heart!!

[@sandrabishop1087]

Have you ever met a narcissist where you have asked them please tell me what you want of me, make a list, whatever it is that makes them happy and I’ll do it ? And guess what? They never come up with a list, they never tell you what they want, EVER. They just continue to mentally and emotionally abuse you daily by criticizing and comparing you to others etc? It’s sheer torture. And guess what? They never change they just change partners…or as I did, I ended it FINALLY. It took me 2 years to get out this relationship bc the pain of being with this person was worse than being alone. I’m so glad I got out, I’m out and free for 9 months now from him possessing me. I’m not looking back and not looking for relationships until I’m healed and praise God, I’m healing! Praying for all of us who have been abused by these horribly toxic ppl! RUN!!!

[@tiaimchen3906]

I am in this relationship for 28 years and still I can't figure out what to do. I am in great pain I just want to be free. But if I leave him he will have no food no house nobody to take care of. But just don't want to go on like this anymore. He is 49 and am 50.

[@samuelsparling878]

​@@tiaimchen3906I'm sorry you're dealing w that. His wellbeing is not your responsibility, his incompetence is likely not real and only a weapon, and even if he's truly incapable that's still not your responsibility. You do not owe truth or faith to a partner that does not reciprocate. You've got the one life, you don't owe it to anyone.

[@samuelsparling878]

Thank you for sharing. Yes, in my experience they will not ever answer a straight question w a straight answer, that would make accountability too darn easy.

[@RuRuJewels]

They don’t even know what they want! But they expect you to.

[@sallyfrost5002]

My narcissistic ex used to yell at me for leaving the room when he was in a rage, yet he would also get enraged if I stayed in the room to comfort him. If I stayed in the room and said nothing when he was mad I was yelled at for not saying anything. If I asked him what he wanted he would get mad at me for bothering him when he was upset.The only garentee was that I would be wrong and I would be yelled at. Basically you can never be right when you're with a narcissist. They will break your heart and make you feel responsible for the heartache you feel. Hugs to all survivors of narcissistic abuse.

[@melissaleak7241]

@Ramani I realize it's not me.

[@donaremensnyder6686]

@melissaleak7241 I know it’s not me as well but, it doesn’t change the amount of damage they’re still causing. These narcissists are my 2 adult kids, it’s very hard to deal with, no matter what I do or I don’t do, the treatment is always the same. They’re going to be the death of me.

[@springBloomsinAwe]

Thank you again for your hard work. Look after yourself Ramani❤

[@lou1880]

This is a perfect summation of what it's like to deal with these people. My elderly mom expects to be coddled and catered to in every situation. Yet she brilliantly portrays herself as low maintenance with minimal needs. It's been this lifelong subtle gaslighting. I grew up thinking she's a self-sacrificing saint who is repeatedly failed by her loved ones. I didn't figure it out until I experienced deep despair too many times trying to be her caregiver.

[@deemaysie6568]

I know EXACTLY what you mean.

[@theresavanriessen1269]

This video is spot on. I'm supposed to magically know a lot of stuff that's not communicated to me, or is communicated to a third person who's apparently supposed to communicate that information to me. Good times. Bonus if something upsets him that has nothing to do with me, I'd always get the blowback. Yay.

[@padmadudgaonkar7518]

They are the satans in saints robes!!!!!

[@naturessweetbees3033]

I swear on anything, that’s good… My narcissistic father believes he’s living a life that he watches from his favourite soap opera. I’m just a little over a year no contact and it totally was the best move I ever did in my life. I’m still trying to figure out…What the hell me so long to understand this? Looking forward to reading your book Dr Ramani!

[@TheBaumcm]

Don’t beat yourself up. We aren’t taught to see our needs as essential and are taught to let others’ behavior go, to be the bigger person, so we can easily dismiss behaviors, especially from a parent whom we are fundamentally taught to respect and from which to expect love. No one with a healthy perspective would expect a parent to not love their child, much less make it conditional. Just like a relatively normal detective having to learn how a criminal thinks, it usually takes experiencing it firsthand. Also, they are really good at keeping up appearances to maintain their reputation which can create cognitive dissonance and further trigger that “am I crazy?” feeling.

[@lt827]

Even if you did anticipate all the narcissist’s needs and execute flawlessly, this could still be a problem. In this case, the narcissist would regard you as a doormat.

[@fionacurrin]

They also might act jealous of you being better at anything than them

[@somewhatstrange2097]

Also, one of their needs is to find fault. So they'd be angry with you for not screwing up.

[@mollycote1021]

Thank you, Dr Ramani! You have helped me so much!‼️❤️‍🩹💕💕🙏🏼

[@hexemaggy8512]

Dr Ramani, thank you. During your zoom meeting on your birthday I cried so much because I recognized so many things you talked about in myself. 2 weeks ago I left my narc boyfriend. I had put myself and 2 of my needs first and he raged at me. I left him, I deserve better than enduring and rationalizing his behaviour. I too am important. Thank you❤

[@ericb8413]

They are never attuned to your needs. 100% true. They don’t care about you, only what you can do for them. They suck!

[@Esmeralda18026]

Yup. Done, gave everyone the best possible start, then they reject. Not bothered but will never never ever get involved with narcs again.

[@annjohnson8437]

We try to be "perfect" for the narcissistic person in our life to avoid their wrath. My question is: how do we deal with the hate/anger we begin feeling toward the narc when we can never please them and cannot cut them out of our lives? I can barely stand to be in the same room with him at this point, but I'm stuck financially.

[@TheBaumcm]

Dr Ramani has likened it to grieving, both the person we once were and the relationship we thought we had or should have had. Sometimes you grieve lost opportunities. First stage of grief? Anger. Resentment. What I might suggest is focus on your mindset and becoming more authentic to yourself. In my case, I was angry that I was not the person I am, confident, competent, master of my own destiny, and not afraid of conflict (not fighting but differing). I started working on being honest in my emotion and fighting the fawn response or the tendency to act content when I wasn’t. I stopped making decisions based on what I thought the narc would want, when it was important (pick your battles), and agreeing to things just to keep the peace, and when they were passive aggressive, hinting that they wanted me to read their mind, I asked for clarity, because you know they already said I was terrible at figuring out what they want. Another was dimming my talents so as not to make the narc feel less. In short, I stopped letting the narc be the voice in my mind, stopped giving up pieces of myself, which made me resent them, and I felt a little bit better able to handle the slings and arrows because the me who fundamentally exists, my basic moral compass and decision making, was unearthed and revived. It made me feel powerful and that cannot be taken away, just given up.

[@olyooshka]

They would actively pressure you into cosplaying a character they need in their life right at the moment, and actively rage if you don't; yet if you cosplay what they want you to cosplay - they would lose interest in you and go get new supply behind your back. While the lovebomb phase is intense, there never is an active and hands on "so what would YOU like, what are YOU about"; there always is a "so what purpose can you serve" w them.. It is a shallow cold and hollow experience while it lasts, even during the lovebombing, it's a terrible harmful experience when it starts crumbling down.. Their full scope would unfold within a few years, but the red flags could be multiple previous breakups and spiteful hateful comments about all those exes.

[@matthewwozniak9138]

Mad tv show had a skit called lowered expectations. lol

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

Thank you. Totally needed to hear all this right now as I can be way too hard on myself for mistakes or thinking I need to do it all and ‘be perfect’ to be worthy or loved. Learning I don’t have to try so hard, beat myself up, nor take the blame for everything. Keeping my boundaries positive self talk and realistic expectations for sure. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@SigmaEmpataLevante]

I am so not taking him back! Enough is a meaningful complete Word.

[@Jay-ql4gp]

I received constant rage and constant guilt trips. And then when I had a dysregulated emotion, I was told that as the oldest...I should set the example. Meaning I wasn't allowed to feel anything about how I was treated and just accept it.

[@ApocalypseofMichael]

I used to say to new people (Back when there were new people) after they complimented me for what they liked and thought about me "You'll not like me when you get to know me." "Why?" They'd ask and I'd reply "Your expectations of me are not me, they are reflections of what you want me to be for you not me." I wasn't aware then. Love bombing man! I was a smuck for it! Ignorant trust I had for all, despite knowing the world we lived in. The qualities they love bombed you for are the very qualities they will feast upon, tearing you down for not being what they want after telling you, you were everything they want. Toxic psycho spectrum types dietary needs. They feast on destroying you and keeping you a disheveled husk of the person you once were and then detach; for now, unless you set boundaries. All those weapons of expectation they use are not you, they're just weapons they use to hurt you but goodness, do they stick sometimes. These videos knock them out of me! Thank you! The spectrum of toxic people is being understood in our personal relationships. Dr Ramani, this is a "Brilliant" thing. I hope we can ascribe the notes and colours of bandwidth and spectrum of toxicity to higher eschelons of Humanity to see the toxic excrement storm we're all in. Those whom have even a mediocre toxic intelligence can manipulate people for their own ends. Look at our leaders and rulers... It ain't pretty! They're clever too... I bloomin' love you Dr Ramani❤

[@TheBaumcm]

One, their anger is like a fart. It’s coming out, usually at the most inopportune time, generated by things that happened before your interaction, and nothing you do will stop or delay it when it must out. Go DEEP, as the good doc says. Two, they aren’t pleased when someone who loves them helps them or anticipates a need because you are removing something they can complain about. You fix a problem and you didn’t do it right or a new one pops up. It’s watching people hop to and center around them that makes them happy. Once I learned these two things, I was able to feel more authentic because I was able to operate within my own boundaries without feeling guilty for letting down someone I love.

[@daykibaran9668]

Hey 👋🏻

[@youngblood8540]

Hi 👋

[@VMorgenthaler-yp6yz]

Yup, they are triggered by your ordinary, everyday human acts of kindness, patience, empathy, generosity. Been 6 months no-contact post-discard. Then she calls. I know what's up and call back to satisfy my curiosity. Yup, she wanted to ask if we could be "friends". And that she hopes that I find someone worthy of me. So her feeling of not being worthy of me makes me unworthy of her. I turned her down on any contact, let alone friends. If she really believes she's unworthy of me as a romantic partner, why does she believe she's worthy to be my friend?

[@rjkrecap]

I had a female friend, I say the word "friend" very loosely as I don't believe she was ever one to begin with. She used to treat people like this and have very high unrealistic expectations. She would never take accountability for thing's going wrong even when she was the one at fault. Shed try and make I and others feel bad for attempting to help. Alot of red flags in that relationship, and I'm grateful to be out of it. Females can also be narcissistic. it's just not as common.

[@cindyhollenback7025]

It’s so painful, mine is my own mother. I’m the only one left in the family to put up with this. 😢

[@merlinwizard1000]

19th, 5 February 2024

[@jeffreymitchell1988]

Thanks!

[@DoctorRamani]

Thanks so much for your generous support! ❤

[@aintdatsnipes177]

They want the best of everything, as long as they don't have to work for it.or put forward effort

[@privateprivate8366]

I wonder if there could be a video done, regarding narcissism and caregiving. Because people DO need caregiving. However, it is VERRRY easy to be threatened, coerced, smeared and even bullied, by those who need care and enablers around them, who decide one person wi carry the responsibility of caregiving. Obviously, there might be natural caregiving roles, within families. But, I’ve seen and been the target of attempts at forced caregiving, by neighbors. This has happened to me alone, twice and I’ve heard it from others. I don’t know there are actual solutions, in these times of the Aging of America, against single living and a long term declining economy, compounded by people who don’t simply need care, but feel entitled to it, from whomever they feel they can force into it. But, in comes the topic of narcissistic abuse where, you can provide help to an appreciative neighbor, who tries their best to mitigate their circumstances and those who are narcissistic, who may be covertly excited to get a crown of grey, so they can overtake someone else’s life and life like kings and queens, unattached to any idea, that they may be destroying the life of another, because they may have even retired early, with no medical or financial plans and aren’t interested in the still gig economy, that a caregiver must also navigate. As I know it is a game of survival, I DO feel empathy for aging narcissists, in this situation. But, I will not trade my health, personal finances, and retirement, for someone, who I owe nothing to, so they can have a soft landing.

[@andreimj]

I am so excited, I really can't wait to read the book. I bought a reading light, a journal and a nice pen. I am trilled to begin this journey of healing with all of you guys. Thank you Dr. Ramani

[@R.L.Buick.]

Request your assessment, Dr Ramani. After a week of extensive sleep from fall with head trauma, enabler mom died in her sleep. Narc dad seems unnaturally happy. (70 years of marriage) Q: Could release of insufficient "supply" or dead weight being removed account for this reaction? It's understandable that there is a lack of processing empathy or feeling of loss. (Cannot find any info as why a narc would display joy after spouse dies.) Thanks for your time to share wisdom.

[@margaretgrace5902]

He probably has new supply lined up, and doesn’t have to loose half his estate in a divorce. Interesting that he doesn’t feel the need to feign grief.

[@TheBaumcm]

Might be happy that he can now use this as bait for new supply, the grieving widower role. He could also, in his age, find it harder to keep the mask up or might just not care to around you.

[@insideAdirtyMind]

Thank you for your work. You really helped me very much and I am at the other side of the world. Thank you.

[@kathrynsheartland]

This is one of your best videos!

[@bingoandtoto]

Narc make the victim NEEDY , that is the point of the relationship with narc. They intend to give you 0, not even 0.01%, 0% whereas they urge the victim to give 100. Not 99.9%, 100%

[@doctoramy1593]

beautifully executed… thank you.

[@craigbrowning9448]

Has sung by Michael Jackson Scarecrow in The wiz: You can't win, You can't break even, .,..And you can't get out of the game.

[@sharonarosen7308]

Fabulous book! Hubby saw it and knows that I know. Now he's playing the$ control game. No surprise there