The Neuroscience and Power of Safe Relationships - Stephen W Porges - Smart Couple 116

[@smartcatcollarproject5699]

That's why bullies and narcissists always trigger their victims... keep them unsafe to prevent them bonding and isolate them from other people, so that they can keep them under their influence

[@JaysonGaddis]

its part of the dynamic, most bullies are not that smart. they just feel deep shame/rage and don't know how to get out of their cycle either.

[@amralaasaleh]

Dr. Porges is living in 2050 and even ChatGPT 5 stands in awe to what he is explaining and is aware of.

[@MsAynon]

Stephen Porges is the real life Gandalf! Thank you for always!

[@JaysonGaddis]

lol. agreed

[@yogagaia]

Thanks for interviewing this future Nobel Laureate Dr. Stephen Porges about his brain child the Polyvagal Theory. Also grateful you directed the questioning to relationships and gave Stephen the time to answer them succinctly. I've sent the link to the people I love most and told them this 50 minute interview will change their lives and build a platform for a beautiful future to be possible. That's how I respond to Stephen's work. He should be nominated for a Noble Prize and you are very lucky to have had such a valuable talk with him and I really appreciate you sharing it for free to the world on You TUbe. Thank you Stephen for your willingness to engage us all and foster world peace

[@ecmanaut]

16:00 - Why we need relationships to keep our nervous systems calm 21:00 - How neuroscience understands ‘intimacy’ 25:00 - Marriage before, during and after kids 29:00 - What to do next time you feel yourself triggered and activated 32:00 - How safety and creativity are linked 43:00 - Using your tone of voice to facilitate more safety in your interactions 55:00 - The surprising truth about our happiest childhood memories 57:00 - Why you should never work anything out over the phone

[@JaysonGaddis]

nice. you liked this one eh?

[@Zara_Luna]

Thank you Jayson. Thank you Johan

[@rachelsweets]

Thank you

[@ComplexPtsdRecovery]

Thank you! This is so appreciated!

[@ip3043]

Thanks and totally helpful!

[@kirstinstrand6292]

A dog brought me back to myself. Strangers in the beginning grew into bonding together. We had a reciprocal friendship.

[@JaysonGaddis]

🙏🏼

[@epicallyllc1876]

"Safety is the treatment."...Great interview, thanks for putting it together!

[@JaysonGaddis]

right? thx

[@sarah-cz3uj]

Really neuroscience amazes me everytime, like in many cases,I can't make a realation with psychology but neuroscience,I can feel every single word it says from the bottom of my heart... such an intresting science

[@rueday]

Take homes: "stop"; "aha", "wow!" And laughter. Brilliant process of Co -regulation that I will use as a group facilitator. Thanks David

[@headrat1]

Thanks Jayson. This was the best 50 minute interview I have heard for a long time. So many learnings. Especially loved his description of the importance of co-regulation and his reframing co-dependence from a perspective of attachment, nervous system attunement and basic trust!

[@keira-leewellard1832]

47 years of marriage!! WOW. You guys are an inspiration🙏🏻❤️

[@JaysonGaddis]

right?

[@sandramedina9482]

53 now

[@Naturegirl501]

This was one of the most helpful and informative podcasts I've ever seen. Thanks !

[@horgecondaliza6644]

Mr porges thank you for work in moving humanity forward!! 🙌😀

[@BHAVENZ]

Thank you Jason for your sincere and open curiosity in this conversation.The coregulatory sphere that unfolded in your meeting ..was so tangible and appreciative of each other...including me :) It also touched me with more awareness this time, how Stephen applies directly what he talks about is such a beautiful heartful way.Gratitude is the feel.

[@Milesnaturopathics]

Wow. So much here in Stephen Porges work--needs to be out there more!!! Thanks.

[@RR-gi9vo]

So glad I listened to this a second time! I comprehended so much more! Thanks gentlemen for sharing personal experiences.

[@JaysonGaddis]

Amazing, thank you !

[@maryganzon7253]

thank you so much for that interview. stephen porges clearly has a heart of gold. truly. that is evident. i appreciate how your listening brought forth even more gems. thank you jason.

[@noellecuisine8912]

❤️thanks for sharing this beautiful interview!

[@cocoberlin]

Thank you for this gem of an interview!

[@DreamsOfFinland]

Dogs are Oxycontin dispensers. Everyone feels safer with a dog, our nervous systems relate to dogs, the dogs know more about this than we ever will.

[@JaysonGaddis]

yes

[@whoopsie5]

I don’t agree. I get that soothing from cats. Dogs make me agitated or uneasy or nervous. Too much excitement and activity and demand.

[@prairieN]

@@whoopsie5 me too, also being attacked by a big dog as a child didn't help. Horses I feel safer around.

[@momc1134]

Your response to a dog depends on whether it is yours or another's in most cases...I have been lunged at by tied up dogs in the past so I no have a real fear response to other peoples dogs.

[@dienowplzkthx]

@@whoopsie5 same. I don't handle the cloying desperate neediness and incessant demands to be relaxing at all, not to mention the smell and begging 😆 Give me a small quiet soft purring cat in my lap any day!

[@healthywildfree]

Thanks for the interview. Insightful and interesting for sure. I just discovered the work of Stephen Porges last night, because of a conversation with a friend. Good to learn what he has to share. Valuable indeed!

[@ataylor2206]

Definitely listen to the end- lots of important points in the last two minutes. Another follow up interview??? I’d love more info

[@amyludwig8685]

This was a great talk... and here at the end.. I am really going to look for his work on sexual trauma and how to talk about this.. I agree with you for the work he's done too and thank you for hosting him!!

[@JaysonGaddis]

Thanks!!

[@shaharrabi]

Great interview. Thank you!

[@KatieMcClain]

Thank you for this interview. Very interesting and really loved that Dr Porges shared the info and related to his own relationships. Thank you Jason!

[@JaysonGaddis]

you're so welcome Katie!

[@anneli351]

Amazing content, thanks so much for sharing this inspiring interesting video!!

[@JaysonGaddis]

Thank you very much!

[@nathangilles2839]

Jayson - I love your work ! So amazing 🤩 found you about 3 weeks ago and very affirming work you do all the relationships gurus have produced some anxiety over this past year for me but your words and guests are very informative and practical and affirming and inspiring Thanks 🙏

[@JaysonGaddis]

Glad you liked it, Nathan. Thank you very much!

[@MyBodyIsMyTemple]

Really good questions, thank you!

[@kathleengeigerlicensedprof1755]

Love this!!

[@VincentvanderLubbe]

What is the name of the book of the friend who is an architect, became a relationship therapist and had this little questionnaire in it?

[@MsSlypp]

I have the same question.

[@creativesolutionstoart]

I could talk for hours with this guy

[@JaysonGaddis]

me too

[@marypelliott]

I can't wait to listen to this because not feeling safe is such an issue for me.

[@JaysonGaddis]

🙏🏼

[@user-yk9sk7pg6v]

What a good talk. Thank you.

[@JaysonGaddis]

sure

[@seanelder8641]

Incredibly insightful interview. I thoroughly enjoyed this.

[@JaysonGaddis]

Thank you!

[@melissalanigan6568]

I found u both educational and fascinating its given me an education on the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervpus system i enjoyed the lecture

[@JaysonGaddis]

Thanks for sharing!

[@joy96815]

Thank for upload.

[@LilachLavy]

Excellent excellent talk...

[@JaysonGaddis]

agreed

[@evanshlom1]

Wow finally understand triggering

[@JaysonGaddis]

right?

[@Cooper9a]

Wonderful stuff. My work with highly reactive individually traumatised couples, stepparents is so challenging in terms of them co regulation and being a safe other. So much damage done in those moments and repair doesn’t get to happen. Many of these coupe have never had time with no children or more commonly multiple children with different partners. Would love some teaching around self regulation in a relationship where both are traumatised

[@JaysonGaddis]

listen to my podcasts with Dr Dan Siegel and Dr Stan Tatkin

[@DreamsOfFinland]

trying to self teach, "home school" myself about this and apply it to the fear common to dementia patients, ways caregivers and the world in general could feel SAFE to communicate with, to be around by people with dementia. I worked with body held memories as a massage therapist, John Upledger student, unified consciousness/body work, understanding our body is where our mind expresses itself. thank you for great interview. (does his wife say, "My husband is not just an ORDINARY husband." ?) ha! :)

[@JaysonGaddis]

glad you liked it

[@BHAVENZ]

Thank you Stephen I will enjoy and need to listen again and again.So valuable...... and saying hello...You may remember Zurich...Love Bhaven

[@Jeet_singh8769]

Can you please! Name the book about the SPACE which is written by Mr. Stephen's friend... And thanks a lot for such beautiful both mind and heart soothing...

[@CafeBlueBird]

Fascinating subject - and a highly counterproductive jingle (in terms of calming the nervous system) ;-)

[@JaysonGaddis]

lol.

[@amberstiefel9748]

Mishima's writing seems to have a consistent system of sorts, linked to anatomy.

[@truthfullove1]

OH Wow! That was great Jason! I wish a certain someone could'a heard that ! Back when.... lol .....At least I am hearing it now! Thank You, Keep up the good work! I am proud of you and how you have grown. I wish all men could take a course from you on how to connect with the feminine. Your a Natural!

[@iwishyouknew3413]

DragOnFlyZ TruthfulLove It's crazy how many people are talking about the New Masculinity, Attachment, trauma, personality and relationship styles, secure functioning, emotional ability to self regulate or to use co-regulation in a RELATIONSHIP. It had to start now, diving deep INTO the disowned parts of ourself bc its critical for long-term survival, success and wellbeing. It's critical for men not all men ( women as well) to get out of their own way and stop the damage to their mind , body, spirit as it effects their entire family, happiness, career success, and other major practical aspects in life. It's so deep and Im studing up on neuroscience and neurobiology on top of the former. I so love how Life coaches are teaching this left and right, such as Dan Siegel, Bruce Lipton, Joe Dispensa, Stan Tatkin, Clayton Olson, Gottman Institute and of COURSE... MY FAVORITE MAN...Jayson Gaddis. I love the elephant journal, Ted talks, coaches LIKE BRENDAN Burchard and the Knowledge for Men podcast.I have a life coach for myself but i love studying the science of evolution and human behaviour, understanding the thinking process of people's decisions and hearing success stories. I'm very happy to one day start with this work and coaching people . It's AMAZING to help people once you have the skills, tools and knowledge to experience a life that you never knew existed. Good for you too, I hope the best for you. I am fascinated by the "New FOUND second half part of the parasympathic system. It's interesting. As I'm dealing with a group of parental or fixed mindset family who are physically and mentally ill because they are not going to do the work that's proven to be a pathway for longevity and we have it now, I'm loving this. HOW can introduce this seriousness to a 46 yr old man who doubts EVERYTHING other than his own genius work of health and science. This is changing and it's occurring at a rapid rate. Is it because this science could be fearful of his narritave so he's terrified of sickness and death. So if I dont say anything, it's enabling his limited belief. Is it threatening to him if I bring this up. I have done cognitive therapy for years. Freedom and safety to me is HAVING the realization that I am here now and stay present during times of fear or freezing. I am so resilient due to the physical and emotional trauma during times of my marriage over that time period as well as dealing with major physical and intractable and degenerative diseases that I now on Disability at the age of thirty eight. I see this gave me an advancement in my lufe and I see it as life changing in a profound and positive way. people who haven't dealt with real adversity have A DIFFICULT TIME RETURNUNG BACK TO HOMEOSTASIS AND they can lose THEIR identity and purpose which leads to SOMETHING OUTSIDE OF relationship with society and see success in a MATERIAL way. It's so hard to want someone you love to see the importance of this. next question, Does testosterone levels have any ties to this process ( Vegal nerve) and depleting other hormones or affecting the entire limbic system and balance between the two sides of brains as well ? Because of society, expectations, burn out, stress overload, suppressing emotions by believing knowledge is more important in the long run than emotional intelligence and safety? You NAILED MY FAVORITE Topics. I love this more than anything I've ever heard of . THANK YOU SO MUCH. I am sorry for the grammatical errors and Im not so great bc I've put a crazy spin on trying to make my point on too many topics and hope it's helping to answer any questions I have? THANK you. THIS IS MY TOP 5 PODCAST. GREAT WORK, I LOVE THIS GUEST AND WILL BE FOLLOWING THE WORK.

[@JaysonGaddis]

Thank you! Are you going to join us at the Relationship School this next year?

[@iwishyouknew3413]

You have one early start!!

[@iwishyouknew3413]

Jayson Gaddis is this why men want to play in the bedroom to regulate their stress response that had been highjack over a year or two from overdoing vs being. Meaning that BEING serious and productive is the way to distract from being triggered at the same time come grab ass to release the build up toxic chemicals built in the mammalian brain? Accurate or am I way off. Your question about the tone that triggers your wife is my only one trigger still but I didn't recall any verbal attacks in my upbringing. I'm working on that by saying he's triggered at something that he may not accept in me. There was a huge threat to him if I had a differ in opinion with anything he " use to teach me". With your wife working in the PACT program, how had that helped?

[@mindfulharmony1816]

DragOnFlyZ TruthfulLove a

[@Pro2Metin]

Great insight

[@JaysonGaddis]

Thank you

[@Be1More]

thank you so much

[@JaysonGaddis]

You're welcome!

[@soularwave]

Is there a resource about this for kids? Specifically, triggers and reflexes.

[@JaysonGaddis]

check out porges’s safe and sound protocols. see his website

[@shaytheo]

What is the difference between being triggered and intuition?

[@JaysonGaddis]

great question. Steve probably could answer. Mine answer: triggered comes from a different part of the vagus nerve and brain. this part of you wants to to grow. the triggered part wants you to be safe.

[@JohnnyFive626]

29:30 as I type my spiritual response "compassion" - and Porges nails it!

[@JaysonGaddis]

:)

[@craignicholson8697]

If a neck injury caused 50 percent reduction in diameter could this effect your responses. could this effect your facial expressions and or tone or voice be affected by such an injury. Is it possible that what you feel on the inside come out different om outside when express by your voice and or body language.

[@franzitaduz]

Craig Nicholson So sorry to hear of this injury. Perhaps videos that I found recently, not sure, but I think it was either Dr. Porges or Dr. Bruce Lipton discussing the absence of neurological development in prematurely birthed and autistic children to form facial expression which lead their caretakers to believe they are not acknowledged or loved. I can't remember the specific title, but if you listen to a number of offerings, I am sure you will find it. You may find answers to your questions. I hope you do.

[@pinksalt1057]

I can say yes, but can you clarify what you are asking?

[@Be1More]

still unclear why i stay so much in freeze mode, except it's soothing in some way as i stay out of red zone but miss green zone

[@valzer84]

Irene Lyon's youtube channel has several long videos discussing the freeze response and learning to work with it.

[@chilloften]

Instinctively we already knew.

[@JaysonGaddis]

Great!

[@bernadettemcenteehart5481]

28.04 just before, KM sit and safe and sound

[@JaysonGaddis]

:)

[@luciesupstairs]

🙏

[@anhumblemessengerofthelawo3858]

_when people fail to live authentically in the sacred space of their heart, and choose a mental configuration of unremitting tension, holding sincere belief they can use the gears of the mind to crunch their way out of pain, pain but deepens. All symptoms are dissociative. The "special love relationship" has at its basis the notion of possession. It is an attempt to possess someone physically, mentally, emotionally or in some cases spiritually. The antidote for this is to allow ourselves to be possessed fully by the Creator, through the Holy Spirit. In the end, nothing else will suffice, for you are the Son of God. With a memory problem._ _PEACE TO ALL HEARTS._ *ADONAI*

[@JaysonGaddis]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts

[@MURUR1025]

Bring on Sue Carter at some point.

[@theheidicrockett]

Interesting at the end discussing his research on patients with subdiaphragmatic surgeries, how their brains may not be able to distinguish the intention (the reason) for the surgery and may respond in a similar way to a person after sexual violence such as a change in their ability to relate to others and a change in their sexuality. I'm giving a lecture tomorrow on interpersonal neurobiology IPINB, nervous system dysregulation, and the polyvagal theory. For interested therapists, consider checking out a new book published last week by Courney Armstrong called "Rethinking Trauma Treatment: Attachment, Memory Reconsoliation, and Resilience." BTW I record and sell some lectures on my website by my above name if someone is interested. Porges interview was INCREDIBLY deep. I can't believe there are only 44 comments and the video is over 2 years old. I also found his comment about a body in a constant state of defense, how that causes shifts in the transfer function of the middle ear structures (my doctor friend said he's referring to the hairs by the word "transfer function,") so that person doesn't hear the end of words because the ears are now programmed to detect predator sounds (low frequences,) not the high frequences of a harmonious human voice. I am very careful as a therapist to use soothing tones when doing the memory reconsolidation and talking with the younger part of the client as it heals memories and moves forward in time. Understanding and working with people's nervous systems esp with memory reconsolidation how blown away my practice, it causes major shifts for people in one or two sessions, I think it should be a part of all therapists trainings (to fully understand and integrate the findings from IPNB, LeDoux's research and Porges' polyvagal theory).

[@JaysonGaddis]

Thanks Heidi

[@theheidicrockett]

I'm so in-love with the social engagement system/polyvagal theory I did an educational video with CHIPMUNK demo at min 27 poor chipmunk, it's so cool you were able to interview Porges, thank you! kzbin.info/www/bejne/rWKXeX-gg5yFfbM

[@iw9338]

I'm curious how this plays out in an alcoholic marriage, I guess the healing doesn't occur.

[@hopespringseternal7028]

I W alcohol and peace/safety are antithetical ♥️

[@pinksalt1057]

What is the question exactly? The alcaholic would trigger, traumatize and retraumatize the spouse. Not to mention if the spouse and children don't already have ptsd and stress trauma response Neuro pathways set in dorsal vagal already. Meaning they are a good quite child. This is a vague question. But a loaded question.

[@paulineboyle5836]

During an EMDR workshop talking about an experience I experienced a bolt of energy shoot up my spine like a bolt of steel -took me by surprise - what was this

[@JaysonGaddis]

kundalini perhaps? not sure

[@VengefulPolititron]

so I was in hyper defense for 15 years. nice.

[@JaysonGaddis]

🙏🏻

[@rachelsweets]

Valued information thank you gentlemen #newsubbie

[@JaysonGaddis]

Amazing!

[@bliss4383]

How could he have a 37 y/o son if he and his wife have only been married almost 47 years? Adoption? Otherwise, he’d have been 9 or 10 years old when he fathered that child. 0_o

[@emmajasper9095]

Because he was eg 20 when he got married and then 10 years in to the marriage he had his son x

[@JaysonGaddis]

Thanks for commenting!

[@bliss4383]

Well, doh. That was just too logical for me to think through. Logic, as I understand it, is more of a left-brained thing, and we females are more right-brained. This is according to the work of Michael Gurian.

[@KKKKAAAARRRRYYYYNN]

37:56 discovered that there is biology underneath the

[@KKKKAAAARRRRYYYYNN]

31:15 play

[@WeEducateAndTutor]

Porges is so cute i swear he’s adorable😭

[@JaysonGaddis]

lol

[@nerudaad]

Thank you for not interrupting Porges!

[@JaysonGaddis]

:)

[@KatyaMorozova]

Great guest!

[@JaysonGaddis]

right?

[@KatyaMorozova]

@@JaysonGaddis yes yes! Another good one for you would be Dr. Laurence Heller. : )