The Real Reason You Keep Pushing People Away - Connor Beaton

[@ChrisWillx]

Hello you savages. Get my free Reading List of 100 life-changing books here - chriswillx.com/books/ Here's the timestamps: 00:00 What is Attachment Theory? 05:15 Why Is This Useful in Evolution? 12:53 How Attachment Styles Are Formed 23:07 Attachment Before & After 18 Months 26:15 How to Discover Your Own Style 30:47 The Core of Anxious Attachment 34:42 Tactics to Regulate Anxious Attachment 46:31 Is Anxious Attachment More in Women? 53:27 Understanding Avoidant Attachment 1:03:11 What Does Being Avoidant Feel Like? 1:12:29 How to Regulate Avoidant Attachment 1:24:49 Can You Improve Attachment on Your Own? 1:30:18 Having a Foggy Memory of Childhood 1:35:48 How to Help an Anxious/Avoidant Partner 1:42:44 Where to Find Connor

[@zinahsdiary4433]

thank you Chris for having this episode. this is my favourite one so far. i have watched several podcasts on this topic but this is the one that hits the bullseye. it explains everything and also HOW TO MANAGE your attachment style so u can work on moving towards secured... thank you so much for this and keep up the good work! love your channel ❤

[@soydansogukcesme470]

The stuff he talks about men refuse getting help and pushing the therapist away even when those men realy interested and trying to move forward.. - Shows how hard and deep men are traumatized from childhood. If girl cries the world stops.. No one gives a f** about boys. Even the own mothers teacher aunts fathers onkels and so on. We all halfway abuse boys but no one screams at girls.. no one punishes girls but boys need to learn. - We literly f** up men. On top of it we have woke culture and fe**ismus who drives woman to behaive more avoidens towards men. And movies and again teacher goverment and so on. Everthing is literly build so that you as a boy get crushed and even as an adult men get crushed. It is so sad if you see all that in the world. - And then the next woman comes out and gives a talk about how men need show emotions and be more in tune with their feelings. -> No one talks about that we(mothers/woman primerarly) as society need to stop "opressing" boys and just meeting their needs instat of giving talks to meet and do more so woman are more "safe", making them behaive more towards men negative.

[@Portia620]

I know one that is avoidant and one that is anxious! Both lack internal self confidence and love! I figured out super fast with how they carry themselves.

[@mr.bluenotedoobop]

As a fearful avoidant myself, this guy nailed it perfectly on the head. You learn to rely on yourself so much that you just feel frustrated at yourself for not being able to let go and just ask for help. You just lie to yourself and everyone around you about being okay, but inside is this storm of negative emotions and self hate.

[@Mr_Penguins_Pet_Human]

I'm anxious and my wife avoident and he nailed both.

[@tonyoramos1]

He didn’t nail fearful avoidant at all, the research is quite clear that fearful avoidant responses can run the gamut to anxious neediness and avoidant pseudo-independence, this is why they are called disorganized: the researchers could never predict the fearful child’s response, whether he’d be mad the parent had gone away or whether he couldn’t care less. His response characterized them as just a more intense avoidant and he emphasizes their sameness

[@dant3175]

Can relate

[@dant3175]

​@michaelhowington4205Completely uncalled for, dude.

[@HalfB]

@@dant3175I think he meant it as a symptom not an insult. Be well .✌️

[@lukehardin9]

Connor’s the man. Great male-oriented approach to self-development without the limitations of the red-pill worldview

[@Photik]

Love his podcast and book!

[@sherriflemming3218]

Red Pill is messed up. The misogyny and hostile sexism towards women is appalling.

[@nicolem889]

Male oriented? Really?

[@bodbn]

Red pill is the beginning from there you have to explore further.

[@mrsherwood2599]

​@@sherriflemming3218it's a response. What is it a response to?

[@RyanBooker79]

Connor articulates men’s emotions extremely well. A wise man to follow gents.

[@ManTalks]

Appreciate the shout out brother.

[@Margo-b2z]

And women's as well. Avoidant here.

[@dominostimes2119]

@@ManTalksas I said in the general comments it’s the ONLY podcast/interview/video in the whole internet that answered ones of the big probs that I had until this day since these 6 last years (start of my severe 2 years long depression). And you did that job thanks to you and Chris. Am so grateful for that. So thank you Connor to bring the light to so much darkness 🙏

[@dr1flush]

There’s no such thing as men’s or women’s emotions. There are only human emotions

[@ThousandWordsMediadotcom]

Women too…

[@DrGreenGiant]

This is the first time I have heard someone acknowledged meditation can be harmful for those with severe PTSD. It's so refreshing to hear.

[@DanceintheRaine666]

The "Healthy Gamer" dude eloquently and succinctly explained THE phenomena of a particular FORM of meditation NOT WORKING for an individual.... He said self-serving less educated instructors have a vested interest in pushing the ONE (of the over 112 meditation techniques) technique in which THEY are trained....rather than observing their method DOES NOT WORK for the individual (or the individual at this TIME of their lives)...and recommending their client SEEK ANOTHER teacher/technique 😅~ one which IS effortlessly EFFECTIVE ~ they "double-down" and insist you TRY HARDER. This is a RED FLAG that particular instructor IS INCOMPETENT and SELF SERVING. The solution is NOT to "try harder"...it is to SEEK a technique which /teacher WHO is both EFFORTLESS and HELPFUL to YOU.

[@Mooncookie954]

Great video. One of the things rarely talked about is how family emeshment can lead to avoidance. Some people felt they had very loving parents when in fact they were quite enmeshed.

[@PatODonnell-gk9sx]

Yes totally agree

[@UnknownHumanOnline]

What do you mean ? Not English speaker so the word "enmeshed" doesn't make sense to me ?

[@Mooncookie954]

@@UnknownHumanOnline Emotional Enmeshment: This is all about feelings. People feel like they're responsible for each other's happiness and sadness. It can be hard to separate your own emotions from everyone else's. - Intellectual Enmeshment: Everyone thinks the same way.

[@artynegelen786]

(Dismissive) Avoidant Attached here. Grew up with a Disorganized Attached father and a Secure Attached mother. My father dealt with war trauma (Japanese Occupation in the 40’s) and he was very verbally violent. All I could do as a 4 year old (and on) is go into freeze, shut off and avoid. I did this for 43 very long years. For you people out there, Avoidant Attached people want to connect! But we feel unsafe in our bodies and we are scared to be vulnerable again because: ‘what if?’. Somatic Experiencing is helping me heal and to move into Secure Attached now and oh boy…. It is worth it!

[@kognitivescientist]

Similar history, almost in secure zone now, would like to compare methods of recovery. Just drop the dot in the correct place between my German and English parts of the name, and add dog and gmail extension after, if you ok to connect and talk.

[@smokingcrab2290]

The problem is your defense mechanisms with your dad are being used to prevent you from bonding with people who have had nothing to do with the experiences your dad gave you.

[@finalthoughts2762]

​@@smokingcrab2290 Captain Obvious at our service

[@qqq111444]

Good for you man

[@blueyedmule]

​@@finalthoughts2762but . . But I thought I was Captain Obvious these last 40 years!

[@WhisperingWitchASMR]

Like many of us, I have watched/listened to what now amounts to hundreds, if not thousands, of videos and PCs pertaining to self-help, mental health, wellness, and the like. Not a single one hit my innermost soul as hard (nor resonated with me as much) as this blessing to the world. Thank you both beyond measure. 💓🙏🏻🌹

[@sadginger4924]

I try to be sympathetic towards avoidant men when it comes to dating but it’s hard to try to show sympathy when they ghost. Did I get played? Did he begin to catch feelings and run from them? Regardless I was heartbroken and never got an explanation as to why they disappeared after seeming so eager to start a relationship. The lesson is, it’s not your job to fix men, hope they go to therapy and improve but don’t destroy your mind trying care for them when they’re giving you nothing

[@jibarabicha4853]

Preach girl!!

[@StrategyCats]

Dont set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm

[@bodbn]

Like Tony Soprano says. Those that want respect give respect.

[@mrsherwood2599]

What if you learned to make better choices? Did you not hear one word of this?

[@jackdeniston6150]

Because we have tried talking to women about failures in how you treat men, and you fail so completlely to listen. Tantrums, attacks, denial, anything but learning. You have been taught to treat men as things, and we dont want that anymore.

[@DeepSouthern_Outdoors]

Disorganized attachment is what everything has pointed to for me but I had a hard time accepting it because I was never physically abused or in fear physically. In the rear view mirrow..my family/home/care providers went to crap during my teen years. I actually had 2 primary father figures at same time(1 was grandfather). Grandfather murdered in robbery at 13, father diagnosed with severe illness during same month and eventually became extremely needy physically and needy as in selfishly demanding, tons more shock traumas in the family, then my mother started to lose her mind trying to hold us all together. I was emotionally closest to her before all of this. She became highly emotionally unstable and unsafe for me to be around emotionally and she'd lash out so I walked on egg shells. I even remember holding my breath in the mornings when i heard her foot steps going down the hall never knowing if she was coming to attack me for not being more helpful or if she was going to ignore me. These teen years are years I remember learning to withdraw from conflict and withdraw from bonding with my parents emotionally even though i strongly desired the bond we used to have before the world fell apart. Now I'm married to an avoidant woman and our relationship is extremely difficult for us to bond and I just recently discovered all these attachment issues and have no idea how to fix it all. (It was nice just to type this out somewhere where I'm anonymous)

[@alex_4trth]

It seems like I have a Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style. My mother is Securely Attached and my father is Avoidant Attached. I know I had this fear growing up that if I mess up I will get punished for it. I didn’t get much explicit encouragement but I definitely got some error signals when I made a mistake or messed up. On top of this, although I had a great childhood with a pretty healthy home environment, I was rejected by two girls at 16 and 17 years old who I really really liked and the second one crushed me and I rememeber saying the words “never again” to myself and shoved it deeeeep down. I think that shaped my avoidance mostly as I find it petrifying to trust the relationship developing without me having a guard up. It is my responsibility to let go of. No one is to blame. My biggest takeaways: •You can’t think your way into secure attachment •You have to connect with the experience, the sensations, and the nervous system, rather than memories and thoughts. •You should implement exposure therapy alongside inner work and let go of that charge that arises

[@XZ858XZ]

I think Chris asked a good question about brain scan differences in people with attachment disorders. I wish there was a bit more of a discussion about this here but I wanted to add that there are differences as evidenced by brain scans and clinical research, and it is fascinating especially when it comes to avoidantly attached individuals. There are numerous published studies that show avoidantly attached individuals suffer more memory issues, respond less to stimuli, and overall show fundamental physiological differences in their brains. 🧠 it’s not as simple as they feel anxiety about intimacy and then ghost; they actually in many cases aren’t wired to even receive and experience closeness the same way secure or anxiously attached individuals are, so their experience of “anxiety” is likely not the same. I personally would be so excited to see an episode with Dr. Kirk Honda who runs the YT channel Psychology in Seattle. His content is high quality. He has hours of discussion on attachment theory on his podcasts and KZbin channel.

[@Margo-b2z]

I wish Chris had asked if psychedelics might be helpful.

[@smokingcrab2290]

Wow this explains why my wife shuts down all my bids for bonding and connection. She simply can't experience it.

[@DaOverman00]

@@smokingcrab2290 How did you enter into a marriage if she can't experience bonding and connection? I think you should reevaluate your marriage and start taking steps to protect yourself and your assets. Think about what you stated, if she can't experience it, then you need to question what motivation she has to be married to you if she is actively combating your attempts to improve your relationship. Does your wife tell you she loves you but then subsequently performs these actions? Please evaluate her on her actions, which from this one comment I can tell are probably abhorrent and exploitative of you. I truly hope I am wrong.

[@hspinnovators5516]

They also don't have serotonin, healthy dopamine, or oxytocin or vasopressin. They mostly survive on cortisol thus the health problems and early death, addictions, impulse etc

[@UnknownHumanOnline]

​@@hspinnovators5516Do you have some recommendations? Like videos or books? I would really appreciate this 🫂🙏

[@actionjackson1836]

This entire conversation is an absolute goldmine. Thank you, Chris & Connor!

[@vagabondcaleb8915]

Guilt results in a desire to atone. Shame results in a desire to hide. "Love is always stronger than fear."

[@bradkaral1188]

Guilt is not appropriate if you haven't done anything wrong. The same applies to shame.

[@chilloften]

Guilt is…something you did wrong. Shame is…I am bad.

[@Reallgeemachine]

Shame is the master emotion that drives change. All emotions are good when used correctly. By denigrating shame you are ironically shaming people for feeling it at all.

[@UnknownHumanOnline]

​@@ReallgeemachineWhat about feeling guilty , if you did something wrong ? I would say if you don't have it , change is impossible? What do you think?

[@simpson13s]

for me, best podcast to date. exactly what I needed eternally grateful

[@stefanplayngo5430]

I am really emotionally avoidant. Though I cannot say this has anything to do with my upbringing. Actually my mother was always very caring and approachable, and frequently complained that I never shared with her. This avoidance definitely fortified itself when I understood how terrible people are at listening and understanding. So I grew up becoming a good listener and a great avoidant. I always carried the mantra with me that "If it's my problem, it's mine to worry about, and up to me to find a way to fix it"

[@andianderson3017]

People who never accept help unintentionally (or not) constantly put out the message that they are superior to everyone. Other people need help-not me. You need help because you are weak and I’m not etc etc. I’ve talked to my husband a lot about that. It’s not a message he intends to send at all. Just thought I’d mention it. People often feel very proud of never receiving help, without realizing how actually demeaning it can be to others in the long run. Accepting influence is important.

[@williambryant1672]

@@andianderson3017 I don't ask for help because whenever I do they use it as a way to dominate/shame me either in that moment or in the future. It creates vulnerability, whether you like it or not.

[@RitaP41]

And your dad...?

[@andianderson3017]

@@williambryant1672 Who’s “they”?

[@williambryant1672]

@@andianderson3017 parents and women I've dated.

[@nannuky1128]

Chris, I want to thank you for ASKING about the difference between the dismissive avoidant and the fearful avoidant attachment style. If it weren't for you, your guest wouldn't have even mentioned it. His short response also shows he doesn't know much about that third insecure AS, or - what's worse - believes it's just a subtype of the dismissive avoidant one that doesn't even deserve to be mentioned. As a fearful avoidant woman, I do not relate 100% to the dismissive avoidant people - one of the things I'm scared of is how anxious and dependent I get once I start to care about someone. They never experience that. I do want to thank Connor for a few things though: for making it clear that you can't think yourself into the secure attachment style and that you need to use other ways and methods of healing yourself; and that you can't do it alone - you get hurt in your relationships so that's where you heal as well.

[@michelleichikawayourhawaii9362]

I’m anxious, my ex is avoidant, but it almost seems like he has a lot of narcissistic attributes as well. He would turn off his phone and leave for 2 days to go party with friends…. While I was home with the kid…. Took 13 years and I finally left. He also has addictions so that was an issue too

[@Cre8Fire34]

My ex DA girlfriend is also a narcissist. Chaotic and toxic and dark.

[@sidwoodstock]

1:22:33 - For those looking for the same thing I was, the combination of both, he called Fearful-Avoidant or Disorganized-Attachment and he mentions it here. "Really deep desire for intimacy and closeness while feeling completely unlovable and distrusting people to accept who you are and actually support you."

[@mohamedfahim5017]

Thanks!

[@universaltruth2025]

The worst kind of attachment to have imo. I have this type. It’s exhausting.

[@JoanneGuelke]

@@universaltruth2025 I think I have disorganized-attachment too. Married to a dismissive avoidant after listening to this video...

[@universaltruth2025]

@@JoanneGuelke Yes same. I think FAs are attracted to DAs to begin with as they seem calm and prob have a familiar style as the family of origin.

[@simpleman7203]

I hope it gets more attention and good protocols. I think it's better to take what improvemes both avoidant and anxious type and apply to get better

[@amyfigueroa1911]

This episode was really eye-opening and offered information I haven’t heard before. (And I listen to attachment material all day for my job). Really great episode. The mental health perspective of men with avoidant attachment style is not talking enough about outside of dating context.

[@anneb889]

I’m not a man, but this guy is great and this is one of the best discussions I’ve heard. He helps me understand my husband better.

[@5kaykay5803]

Thank you, Chris, for bringing up the dual attachment style, "fearful avoidant,". I haven't really looked into attachment styles, but I'm sure there are a few people out there who can relate.

[@deia-says]

This was so insightful. As a woman that grew up in an unstable home (alcoholic father) and raised in a country that was in war we fled our home and I had to grow up quickly. at age 10 I was filling in my parents taxes, taking responsibility early on. Didnt really have a childhood. Now I have trouble trusting people and being in relationships. Feelings overwhelm me and i have an emotional wall around me. I often wonder what my life would look like if I was raised in a calm and stable home but I also know I am resilient because of it.. This helped understand myself much better..

[@torbjornkarlsen]

Chris, I urge you to invite Canadian developmental psychologist Gordon Neufeld to have a chat. He's buddies with the very famous Gabor Mate and they have written books together. He is really great at communicating attachment theory so it's really easy to understand. Sadly he's not very present in the podcast universe, but he really should be, and I'd love to have someone get him to comment on present topics like the culture wars, politics, the psychedelic renaissance, etc. He's a hidden gem!

[@chasekuapahi4385]

12:52 Allowing the guest to pick what they want to talk about from the host’s options. Powerful.

[@Happy-Me.]

I have a Secure/Avoident attachment style. I am the eldest and was given responsibilities at a young age and therefore have had to rely on myself to ensure that things got done! This has nade me a "man of the world" which is very attractive especially to a female who is anxious attached but conversely can cause issues with their fear of abandonment. Sadly, these individuals can suck the life out of you! All had been through a lot and overshared but eventually you feel burdened by them! I think also that your attachment style can change with age and circumstances and is hard to break away from! I like being in a relationship, do not fear connection and have never worried about being left. What I think I fear in a relationship is engulfment!

[@deia-says]

I am the same as you but female.... :)

[@perrysarluca4118]

Same here.

[@Jack-Pi8ni]

I have avoidant style, recognised a few years ago by a friend in mental health. I was a ‘mail order’ adoption via a London agency and at four months I was flown out to my adoptive parents living in an African colony. My new mother, a single child who’s father died when she was two, didn’t warm to me and struggled to bond, frequently leaving me with a neighbour, my dad was on an upward career path and his time was limited. At 3.5 years my sister arrived after fertility treatment and she became the focus. I was a mischievous kid , a handful and would often escape the house to explore. Primary school was stabilising, weekends and school holidays would be daily escapes into the bush with my school pals, on my returns I would be punished, hand, shoe, dog lead, swinging broom, belt whatever was to hand. At nine after being brought home by the police for the third time I was sent to boarding school, 1200 miles away in South Africa, to be ‘straightened out’ left there 3 days before school started. I became a scrapper to manage the bullying, a behaviour which came with frequent canning. After starting I didn’t return home for two terms, there was a problem with my adoption which delayed a passport being issued. When I got home, we were sitting around a pool where my parents told me I was adopted, that I wasn’t their natural son and about the passport issue. I got up and sat the other side of the pool and cried, my sister came round and gave me a hug and told me I was always going to be her brother. That pool became symbolic, I felt unwanted, school became ‘home, I dreaded end of term and became independent. At 14, my folks returned to the U.K. and a whole new set of experiences. There’s more but whilst my folks were indifferent to my sports and career successes, my sister always kept me tied into family events. This cast covers much of what I felt and feel, experienced and experience.

[@universaltruth2025]

That sounds like a nightmarish experience. I cannot imagine how you survived that 😞 really awful.

[@dominostimes2119]

I still don’t understand after all this time, these decades and experience of life how we can still be in this situation where our parents didn’t want us at the time and haven’t developed an inner maturity enough to maintain our level of psychological sanity. So much waste 🤦‍♂️

[@Jack-Pi8ni]

@@dominostimes2119This style is more common than you think. Everyone is different in how maturity and experience develop their coping mechanisms, something a psychiatrist and a cast like this will help you understand. This communication style starts as a baby, adopted or natural, it is about the level of attention and affection it gets from its parents, a connection pattern that continues between them into adulthood and even onto how the grandchildren are treated. I never had therapy but over the years I would write down my thoughts to help me figure out and work through the moments, which I’ve pulled into a script for family record so my children understand how dad became dad.

[@universaltruth2025]

@@dominostimes2119 time alone doesn’t heal psychological wounds. They are really hard to heal. So much damage is done in those early years that has long term effects. Its so unfair that the victims are the ones that suffer the effects until we die it seems, except if we do a lot of ongoing work to recover.

[@dominostimes2119]

@@universaltruth2025 that was my case 6 years ago. Been on severe depression for 2 years minimum with regular suicidal thoughts, on my complete own to recover and dig in this whole mess. Self educating again and again, inner work constantly. Here for the avoidant style that still remains and have no solution for, didn’t acknowledge it and my regular incoherent interpersonal and intimate relationships.

[@FirehawkVFX]

@4:38 he says an avoidant is afraid of connection. Thats not what the book says or what my psychotherapist says. An avoidant just learned a different strategy to get connection and this is a theory - they learnt that it didn't seem to matter what they did, that their caregiver wouldn't provide connection consistently, so they shut down, or turn the shoulder to protect themselves until the caregiver eventually provided them connection (if at all). its just a different strategy to get connection.

[@jossfangirl]

Interesting. So waiting on an avoident to make the first move - as a man - is something that may not happen. A guy I dated bragged about one of his ex's chased him. And broke up his previous relationship. It seemed to me he felt that proved she loved him ... every case is different.

[@Mscroft45]

I’ve never known what was “wrong” with me. After watching this episode. I’m sure that I am fearful avoidant. I’m definitely going to bring this up with my therapist today. Thank you for this episode. It’s really helpful ❤

[@ksinghj]

Chris you did a great job of asking the right questions, at least the ones I personally wanted the answers to.

[@Thaulopi]

After 54 years on this planet with more heart-ship that one person should have, the best attachment for me is to have NONE..zero..only to myself. This redeemed me and made me whole and happy

[@jghetto85]

That is not healthy, we need connections in life to fully enjoy it

[@Thaulopi]

@@jghetto85 Why dont you leave it to me to decide, if something works or it does not`??

[@jibarabicha4853]

I agree, we don’t need romantic attachments. They are more trouble than they are worth. Attachments to good family and friends is better.

[@membersonly4977]

I've argued/yelled at my phone/you guys on other topics, other chats & podcasts, but this is your best work yet! (not womanhating/projection/patronizing to the ladies) Emotionally 'in tune' intelligent and humble and honest. Beautiful! (for quite some time lately lol) Ive wished i was a lesbian. But I still love men! ❤

[@EpicNoobSofiya]

I like this podcast, bc it doesn't bring shame to avoidant partners. Although, that still doesnt mean that we have to do whatever an avoidant partner says or wants, especially when their coping mechanisms is to be physically or emotionally abusive to you. Name calling, disregarding, acknowledging that theyre rude to you but dismiss it as who they are is wrong. You can be as patient as you can w avoidant partners, but if they make it very clear that theyll never change and will continue to live w their insecurity and project them on you and make you suffer alongside w them, you'll have to make the decision to leave. You can still love them, but you cannot change a person, they can only change themselves, you can inspire them, but think of your partner, how much do you truly know them? Abuse is abuse, no matter how broken the person is. imagine how many court cases wouldve been dismissed if that wasnt the case I think whats most important is, if that you do decide to leave, make sure you make it clear that you still love them, but their inner issues are projecting onto you that it can make a secure person insecure

[@TheArtOfRevolution]

My god, this explains so much. Im in tears

[@Kate-rv6kx]

THANK YOU for discussing the drawbacks of mediation for people with trauma. I've never heard this on a podcast before; typically meditation is seen as a prescription for everything, but it can be a stressor for some. I love all the actionable suggestions in this episode.

[@panth1556]

Wow this is a goldmine thank you

[@CornflowerBlues5]

Brilliant, brilliant interview, thank you! This has been invaluable.

[@jaimet3235]

This was a brilliant exchange of wonderful thoughts , not that I would presume to be intellectually capable to qualify this marvelously instructive sharing of most helpful ideas. Thank you so much, gentlemen.

[@daalmightpanda]

What a great video, I honestly needed this video. I know have a better understanding of myself. I’m an avoidance person and often shut down when I get to a point.

[@clouddancer46]

No mention fearful avoidance is also disorganized so it's a combination of avoiding and anxious that is my lucky duck Go to under stress

[@JustMe-zv1vf]

Wonderful episode! Thank you both!

[@Cre8Fire34]

At 1:22 - Chris described a Fearful Avoidant. My condolences to them, and to any one with them. I'm AP ( 50% secure, 25% AP) - had an extreme DA gf, and that was bad enough. But to have BOTH characteristics? Holy shit. Hard road.

[@Spinevoyager]

This is fantastic and has given me alot of insight into some of my own relationships -- thank you.

[@Alticroo]

listening to this hurt a lot very insightful and really personal...

[@masterphillips]

This is good stuff, but it doesn't just apply to intimate relationships! You can be securely attached intimately, but be anxious or avoidant in platonic relationships or friendships (always trying to impress friends or avoid "clingy" ones). How you interact with strangers can also help you figure out your attachment issues.

[@wild3812]

Great episode. One thing I disagree with - overbearing parent is likely to create an avoidant attachment and not anxious.

[@universaltruth2025]

My husband is extremely DA. My problem is the he continually has the effect of disregulating MY emotions. He stonewalls for any length of time. Goes into his dark depressed shell, noise cancelling headphones on. He’s partly deaf as well so it takes a lot of effort even to get a basic message across, and then he has a look on his face like ‘why are you bothering me? What do you want now?’. Then once he’s finished being in his dark cave of self pity he suddenly appears again, initiating the odd comment - though the depth is as deep as ‘I’m going to the shop to get something for dinner’. That level & depth. BUT when it comes to his friends and brothers or workmates, (basically anyone except me) - oh no - the charm suddenly pours out. He manages to crack a joke, smile, laugh. Suddenly he’s got some energy, some warmth, some charm, some intelligence. But with me - oh no its single sentences. Blank face. No smile. No warmth, no humour, no empathy. So by the end of HIS stonewalling - now I am furious and disregulated. I am exhausted and can’t focus on anything. I don’t want to speak to him or acknowledge him. Ie *I* am the one fkg stonewalling now. But that is NOT my nature. It’s not the way I used to be. But now he’s discharged all his shit into the air and our home, he’s feeling good again. Feeling good that he’s passive aggressively punished me for some sh*t he won’t verbalise. Expects me to just carry on. Meanwhile I’m resorting to alcohol and sleeping pills just to fking function around him. These people are impossible to live with. I’m stuck now with dependent kids. But it’s killing me. NEVER get into a relationship with a DA. They will destroy you with their cold indifference and lack of empathy and then sit back and say ‘wow - you seem to have a problem with your emotions, you must have problems, pull yourself together’. Fkng psychopaths is what they are.

[@taahirkamalchagan4018]

Excellent discussion. Get Heidi Priebe on next. She fire 🔥

[@MmntechCa]

Fearful avoidant myself. It's great (he said sarcastically) because it creates this lovely feedback loop. I've suspected my dad of having NPD for a while now. Mom is a chronic worrier. So, imagine growing up in a home where you're always getting conflicting feedback. Nowadays, I don't like how I behave in romantic relationships, because it's always constant anxiety, so I avoid them. Even among friends, or places like at a resort where it's people's literal jobs to serve you, I still feel weird voicing if I want something. I've just adapted to it TBH. Suppose I could go see someone about it, as like Connor says, bro-ing yourself out of it doesn't seem to work. I did mention the anxiety part to my GP a couple years ago (during the coof) but was brushed off. Therapy is very expensive, and as per Chris's recent discission with Abigail Shrier, feels kind of scammy, so IDK if it's right for me.

[@MuscleBandit]

As a dismissive avoidant I can concur that the inner turmoil is so real and tangible. I really need closeness and intimacy and just cannot create it, at all. The only person I trust is myself so I'm the only one I can be totally open with. It's a nightmare.

[@AngelekaL]

Hello sirs, this is a great video and very thorough explanation of how attachment works. ❤

[@Lemal88]

Holy crap. I needed this at exactly this moment.

[@djrixxard]

I needed this ages ago.

[@DanDoesGame]

All my anxiety is around food & what I look like.... which makes no sense because I'm at a po8nt where idgaf what others think. It's like some sort of internal self standard or something

[@our.secret1130]

Attachment is built when we go through a hard time in relationship with someone and come out the other side okay-Dewey Freman

[@Photik]

Might be helpful to add a link to his book Men's Work for people to check out.

[@Yanay30]

Great interview, Connor has amazing insights into this. I'm on my own journey into defining and improving my attachment style, so this fits right in. Thanks for bringing him back.

[@DANJEDI]

Chris Williamson X Connor Beaton: consistency in consciousness Good Show 👍

[@drewpocernich2540]

Men: choose the mother of your children very carefully. Women: choose the father of your children very carefully. Regarding love, we often think of and are fed the message that love is altruistic, but this (imo) is just one of two parts of love. The other part of love is attachment. Attachment is the aspect of love that is selfish. You can only have love without attachment if that love has first moved through attachment. To go straight to love without going through attachment first is to not love, but be indifferent. Attachment (when healthy) helps us determine if someone is a suitable partner for us.

[@grizzlerspidey7941]

Thank much needed and anticipated

[@HindsightFPV]

Is it possible that I went from anxious attachment to avoidant after being in a mentally abusive relationship with a narcissist?

[@sheryldrew1617]

Yes, same here.

[@lambchop6278]

Interesting guest. Interesting topic. Lisa A Romano would also be a great guest to have on, if interested in this subject. She's very good.

[@godsblaze]

Guess it makes sense why I'm 'happy' being an international truck driver and single 🤣 I recognize myself in almost all the types 😅 I love my job the clients love me, and most of the day/night I'm alone driving the truck no need to deal with shit that doesn't matter... Oh but then you get that feeling your missing out on building a family... Have no real social life and so on... Then you get the comfort of the thought, well you don't need anybody to be happy so don't worry about... Well it's true social settings are exhausting for me so that's why I loose myself in my job so that way my my mind is at peace... And the circle goes round and round...

[@jschlaud6]

I got my undergrad degree in psychology. I don't use it professionally but it's helped in my daily life. It seems everyone in this field, around this subject, tends to go back to childhood as the culprit...but I'm curious if an avoidant posture can be assumed later in life? I really don't have any childhood trauma to speak of but I do find myself sometimes recognizing avoidant characteristics in myself. Open for discussion...

[@Dita.k]

Thank you for the great episode. I’m a huge fan of Connor’s work and your podcast. Cheers! ❤

[@seansirois3532]

Awesome. Loving the guests recently!

[@viviantejada]

Incredibly helpful video. Wow.

[@brownsugardelima]

I am dating an avoidant personality man right now…at least I think I am lol he doesn’t trust…but disappears for 2 weeks at a time,..I’m older now and really I don’t trip about it … he is very amazing person , we get together every so often and have a great time … much different then I was young I would not tolerate the disappearing act.

[@mattanderson6672]

Thank you guys

[@RitaP41]

If you're watching this, you're no longer a kid. You can Choose. And if you can't choose freely, there's Therapy.

[@jackiego1]

Such good insight , man but it’s a shame nearly every example, anecdote, and advice presumed we already have a partner. Got avoidants it’s an issue and barrier even getting into one. That would’ve been more relevant for advice in my opinion.

[@thebetterwave1625]

Avoidance attachments can be enforced by the environment outside the parent(s) Guardian relationship and perpetuated in adult life by seeking the familiar.

[@RitaP41]

You VALIDATE an Anxious person. Helicopter parent is usually an AVOIDANT problem. And growing up with UNCERTAINTY/INSTABILITY creates Fearful- Avoidants.

[@leann7859]

I'm curious on the parenting advice of letting children "cry it out" to self-soothe. I wonder if that is still deemed as "good" parenting advice and to how that can affect their child's attachment style.

[@etfacetimehome]

sheesh the avoidant talk hit me like a rock

[@lethargicimagination]

I flip flop between avoidant and anxious attachment, depending on the relationship dynamic, which im still tryna understand and work towards secure

[@artynegelen786]

Avoidant Attached here. What is helping me moving into Secure Attachment is Somatic Experiencing by Dr. Peter Levine: Childhood Trauma plays a huge role in this.

[@sycamore82]

If this is your first time hearing about this, welcome to the party… but be careful.. Going out into the world now viewing all your relationships through this “attachment” lens as a lay person (newbie) is not recommended. Study up, know that not everyone is “either this… or that” don’t pigeonhole. The world and the relationships are very complex. Don’t fall for the trap of thinking you’re seeing the world with new eyes and now I can navigate it properly. Like an infant, exploring is good but at some point that baby will fall and hurt itself. You are no different as an adult viewing the world through this lens for the first time.

[@vanessanesener4028]

Rockstar | Billy Hargrove (Stranger Things)

[@karma7478]

Ok so the answer is never fall in love with an avoidant. Got it.

[@johnsir6457]

This was very interesting.

[@flamechick6]

How do you conquer the anxious avoidant, i have a little of both. I must've missed the thing as i do remember him saying you cant do it cognitively lol 😅

[@PatrickFletcher]

I need a best friend like Connor ...

[@who_is_dis]

Ouch - that explanation of what it feels like to be a fearful avoidant adult really slapped 😂 been single for the past 8 years now. It’s like a constant internal fight. Even hearing his point about therapy, I still can’t get behind it. Still seems like bs to me.

[@AWEdio]

I think I am both, anxious and avoidant. Hilarious fun trying to maintain relationships 😵 Oh, it's called fearful avoidant.

[@AWEdio]

To be fair, I am significantly more avoidant... and Connor just literally described my last email to my therapist, almost word for word!!

[@VikingSummer]

Premium content.

[@laurathurlow3634]

Where are 50% of people securely attached? Lemuria? Avalon? lol boyz great interview.

[@northstarearthstar]

Good content!! Ty!

[@ky7299]

He hasn't addressed the issue of "ethical avoidants". People who are self-isolating themselves from other people because they are either afraid or have internalized blame. These people are not just alone, they are often taken advantage of by other people because of their strong ethics and tendency to blame themselves, thus solidifying their impression that every is out to get them. These people don't have a partner to sync breaths with and they are the most wronged, neglected and vulnerable in individualistic western societies. These are the people most likely to off themselves during Christmas holidays, especially the males.

[@francgo]

Men: choose the mother of your children very carefully.

[@k3V2181]

The thing is that from a child the only model we have of a woman is our mother. Many times we unconsciously chose women based on that ideal unfortunately. Therefore, let me edit your statement to better reflect the true reality. men: choose your mother wisely.

[@IndigoBellyDance]

Women : choose the father of your child carefully

[@IndigoBellyDance]

@@Wavewave583truth

[@IndigoBellyDance]

Why only point fingers at women it take a man & woman to make & raise a baby. There r plenty of bad fathers & husbands

[@v9b23j]

"The Romantic Bond is the completion of what is unresolved/unrepaired in the parental bond. Therefore the relationship is the therapy. We come together to complete, reenacting traumatic or adverse events so that awareness can be brought to a reemerging dynamic or feeling state in an effort for it to be healed, we do this through conflict and repair. This is the very purpose of the relationship. The greater the childhood trauma and neglect, the uglier the conflict and reenactment will be". THE PREMISE OF TRAUMA INFORMED RELATIONAL MODEL (TIRM) by The Trauma Recovery Institute

[@badomen6933]

If I was an adult farther having a child. How would you recommend to nurture my child? Part 2?

[@SesquipedalianDragon]

lol im like im avoidant because of how anxious i am

[@Princesspeace888]

Same 🙃

[@Arquebusier89]

Avoidant is a survival mode. How you get someone out of survival?

[@risingdamp220gaming6]

Felt like Sarah Connor getting vaporized by Skynet’s nuclear strike on LA when he was talking about avoidant attachment. Good talk Gents!

[@teardrop-mx8dh]

I won't click on blue pill stuff anymore, one last thought: concerning women issue only; if you actually have trouble approaching/communicating with women, good luck improving yourself, curing your "insecurity." Then good luck not facing serial rejections from women.

[@bezoznaught5261]

Ya, I'm at the "I'm too fucked up to fix it now" part, I hear what's being said, and want to believe I can be happy someday, but uhh ya

[@eileenfuentes6975]

Dismissive vs fearful avoidant 1:00:34

[@marinavila]

I'm a mix of both 😅 1:01:03

[@JannaMeyer]

Why? Because most moms work these days and a lot of babies/children just don’t develop a secure attachment style.

[@Jhawk_2k]

When my mother came home from work her attitude would depend on how her day in the office went, and there was always office drama. The inconsistency of what she would be like when she came into the house wasn't healthy growing up

[@ryoukento]

All this rings hollow coming from people that are desired in some form or another. Connor speaking about the ability to peace out in a relationship would have far more impact if he struggled to find a side piece or another relationship 1-2 years later. Not instantly having the validation to become avoidant. It would probably flip his attachment to anxious if he couldn't do so. Also Vise versa. Anxious people would become less so if the available options to them weren't near non existent.

[@fangblade360]

Oof. This explains a lot about my internal dialogue. Thanks!