The Skills to have Difficult Conversations - Letters from Esther Perel

In this livestream, we’ll explore how to have difficult discussions with those we love and trust. The deep divisions in our society are often present right at our family dinner table. Let’s have the courage to have the hard conversations.
I’ll be discussing this month’s Letters From Esther: Change is in the Details. Read it here: estherperel.com/blog/letters-...
This is a part of my monthly newsletter series, meant to inspire reflection and action in areas that are important for your relational intelligence. To sign up for the newsletter, visit bitly.com/lettersfromesther.
Link to Esther on This Human Moment with Keith Yamashita: www.thishumanmoment.com/joine...

[@kalipotmeng]

I absolutely adore this woman's wisdom and eloquence. Incredibly helpful. I wish everyone in the world could listen and learn from her. Even on the level of countries, political leaders should learn from her in dealing with geopolitical relationships.

[@chantelfoley1249]

Watching these videos has struck a chord. They evoke so much emotion. I find myself crying. After 47yrs of life I'm finally gaining some tools to help me navigate relationships that I never had before. She's my virtual therapist. Thank you Esther for sharing your wisdom.

[@orthhaus5263]

I absolutely ADORE how youthful Esther remains as she ages. She is so so passionate about relationships and about life!!! Goals af

[@AZheatherrr]

I can only hope to be as beautiful as her one day and half as intelligent. Esther has changed my life. I respect, admire, and adore her.

[@monahasan3169]

The tone the timing of a conversation is crucial

[@connierempala1269]

Adore you and your directness and openness to the foundational human needs. You've changed my life in the past few months 😎❤️

[@drsusanboden3376]

I really agree with you Connie. The biggest gift has been her admission that she no longer tries to change her husband. Wise, courageous, centred woman!

[@nombulelobopape7095]

@@drsusanboden3376 0000000000000000000000000000

[@mars1783]

She's been such a blessing for me too... I get too wrapped up in my own storyline, and sometimes forget how universal these questions are!!!.... I have been experiencing a shift from thinking as a victim mindset, to a Victory ✌ 😅 consciousness!!! I know my gifts talents 😌 ☺ 🤗 and humor 😄 can lift others by we all experience struggles in one form or another... LOVE 💘 y'all ❤ feel blessed to be a part of this global community of wisdom seekers!!!

[@stgeorge041982]

I have never been in a relationship...I’m recovering from addiction and trauma .... this talk, this woman is helping me prepare for relationship. This conversation is incredibly powerful and empowering. I feel capable and able. You are an angel Esther! Thank you for this gift 🙌🏻🙏🏻❤️😊

[@SashaTownsendTulsa]

I love what you said about dialogue versus debate. I was very fortunate to be raised in a home where I was encouraged to think for myself (my mom wouldn’t think for me even if I directly asked for her opinion!) and where critical thinking and supporting your position were important, but not as important as listening to the supported opinions and perspectives of others. My faith informs my love of the beauty of diversity. I love the dialogue. I love seeing things from another person’s PoV. I don’t always change my mind, but hearing new ways of perceiving the same reality always broadens my perspective. As long as others don’t go into debate mode, I’m happy to listen, to take it all in, and see the world simultaneously through their perspective and mine. It’s only when my POV comes under attack and seems to be the only one scrutinized that I get defensive or upset. I prefer the atmosphere of dialogue and the sharing of different ways to see the same thing. I’ve always loved the elephant story, the one about people sharing their experiences of different parts of the elephant. What I love is that all of the people were right, and the only way to see the whole elephant clearly was to take everyone’s experience into account. I think there are important ways that we can apply these ideas, if only we were willing to listen. That being said, I know that my preference for dialogue over debate may be seen as stubborn to someone who thinks debate leads to singular truths. I don’t think that debate does that though; I disagree. Debate is about winners and losers. Dialogue is about understanding and listening. Thank you for this, Esther!

[@lalas.2215]

Debate=ZeroSumGame/ Winners/Losers

[@messrsandersonco5985]

Yours is a very interesting perspective on the difference between debate and dialogue!

[@MsAuthenticite]

You have been well raised.

[@ABSG7]

Esther’s hair is fabulous!

[@daniellesagang1037]

The colour is great.

[@Aris-Darling]

Amazing advice as always. Thank you.. I love the River, the Kettle, and the Bird analogy on peace. For the sake of learning, I'm recapping this in the comment for my future self to revisit: The River is the absence of discord where two people are maintaining peace just for themselves, the Kettle is dynamic peace, where two people are achieving something together that one cannot do on one's own, and the Bird is when two parties merge to one in achieving something together. I hope to have all types of peace in my life and relationships/friendships.

[@ramirenriquez6795]

Can't believe she's so open to sharing her mind with us for our learnings

[@dannyallegra]

Oh Esther, one day you won't be in this world and I am gonna miss you sooo much. You have nurtured my life with your wisdom in so many ways. I am grateful for your existence and all the work that you do. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! 🙇‍♀️

[@tamacapellini152]

Just know you could depart this world before her.

[@EveningTV]

Critical Information so long as the parties are willing to self reflect and who empathize with others. Without those qualities the conversation may backfire. Thank you Esther!

[@zoeymartin732]

I chose to be a "healer" of sorts, mostly just a crazy dog lady but ya know xDDx, and honestly i cant begin to understand how i even got presenented to this path and now i'm fighting with my own inner wants of love of high regard over high self love

[@zoeymartin732]

I dont understand how to bring the conversation into convos without making people just get disterd by my over whelming emotions on the whole subject of life

[@peo_peo]

I agree. If only one party is doing this and showing change, then it becomes unwanted emotional labor dumped on said person. I'm really interested in the conversation surrounding boundaries. I've let myself go in relationships, but now - it's good to accept some relationships as the river. To allow that relationship to exist.

[@meanderingmind9391]

River, Kettle and Bird metaphor is amazing. I loved it 🌼🌻🌸

[@tcbl]

Wonderful discussion. I would love to see you hold this same talk again, Esther, now almost a year since its original broadcast in July 2020

[@christinakrag5307]

Love the depth Esther brings to real life & how to handle feeling/recognizing our real emotions to become more connected is a lost art- and so needed in the west. We become more human. Thank you.

[@mayanova8152]

Love the new hair, suits you so much!

[@miekebaras7198]

Maya Nova what has this remark got to do with what she’s talking about?

[@mayanova8152]

Mieke Baras Are you the comment police? Go comment on what you need to.

[@mayanova8152]

Mieke Baras Is it because you need to be right, combative and prove I’m wrong in some way? In Esther’s words 13:58 😂

[@IS-gk4jf]

This is so good for people that fire up with aggression in a conversation or the opposite and shut down and not want to listen. It sad some people stop talking because it ends up a stressful conversation

[@peo_peo]

yeah, or someone just straight up leaves.

[@OlympiaSophie]

Was actually going to write that but then saw your comment. It is sad that another person's emotional response either giving you the silent treatment or becoming aggressive can make you repress your own emotions

[@IS-gk4jf]

@@OlympiaSophie yes it is sad when we let other people's reaction or communication skills effect us sometimes. Iately I have been assuming every conversation or interaction will go very well 😏🤞 but if not im having fun making it a challenge for myself not to get upset and pitty the other person instead.❤

[@IS-gk4jf]

@@peo_peo ❤

[@OlympiaSophie]

@@IS-gk4jf It's amazing how letting go of that toxic anger and moving on to pity can really change your perspective of that person.

[@mars1783]

I FEEL. SO INEPT THAT IM STUBBORNLY DIFFICULTY IN LEARNING IN A CONSISTENT MANNER , ESP TECH..... LOVE 💘 YALL.... THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR THESE TALKS!!!

[@picturefish40]

I'm glad I'm still single, I read all her books and several others. she makes sense to me. I love fishing in the San Diego bay area. cooking and reading.

[@ecitb3005]

Lucky you. If I can choose again, I'll never get married.

[@nicoleyamin2516]

Thank you for your wisdom Esther, you have no idea how much help we need with our relationships and you have really given so many pointers. I'm sure everyone is wishing they have you near for a therapy session to loosen the knots. we love you and adore you, thank you xxx

[@sswillard22]

Im so happy to see your face! I’ve been listening to your podcast for years!

[@Joannekrill]

Thank you for the hug! It’s my first hug this week!

[@TheDeniseb85]

Extremely valuable: The most important thing, I feel, is to lead conversations in which you stay connected with the people who you disagree with; it’s your one chance of actual impact. Try to communicate in a way where not only those will applaud you and nod their heads who would have agreed with you in the first place. I was googling „how to react to racist comments“ and I didn’t find anything satisfying. This is what I needed. Thanks

[@hederahelix4667]

Thanks for your wisdom ! love your husbands painting in the background ! Hugs from Ontario

[@ava-jl1ll]

Can you do something on when is it time to give up/break up? What are considerations? Esp if it’s a long relationship?

[@rosejacks8662]

Thank you very much, I will definitely watch this again. Very helpful!❤️

[@michellelauzon9307]

Im a new kid to Esther and I am hooked. I hear her voice in my head lol and a little side note that isn't her hair here so fkn hot? My Gosh..she looks so good

[@angieash9560]

Beautiful soul

[@allkindsamusicchick]

I'm enjoying your presentations so much! Thank you for your insight!

[@rcz2023]

Thank you for sharing your knowledge

[@daniellesagang1037]

The empathic leader. Thank you Esther.

[@bardoteachings]

You look beautiful! Thank you for streaming your talks and your radiant personality!

[@marlenemcmurtry2889]

Wow your message is powerful! Thank you! I needed this!

[@Yehudit]

The message I grew up with is: those outside of the house are more important then those inside the house .

[@dreamlife2351]

Whoa. Me too

[@chelseabrowne3023]

LOVEEEEEEE the virtual hug.

[@thewannabevegan5191]

The stages of peace part at around 24:40 really resonated with me.

[@roonkih5074]

Thank you very much Esther ❤️.. you are such a light ! 🌟

[@RaheelaBarkat]

You look so beautiful, even more than usual. I have always loved the way you speak, you’ve taught me a lot ❤️

[@carlaveliz8475]

Thank you! You are so wise

[@paulmcnamara-paulstennisac5610]

Amazing woman. Ty.

[@lizhagaman8442]

Ester, you are a beautiful, beautiful spirit! I thank God for finding you and listening to your podcasts as I have done in recent days. As a result, I have knowledge of the facts of my emotional relational and erotic construct, and now have a self-awareness I did not possess only a few days ago. Aware of "the problem" for years, I finally understand why, thanks to your work. I will be contacting you directly, but wanted to say thank you, here. ❤️ L.H.

[@sheilasvw]

Thank you!!! 🙏🏼😊

[@bruhjun]

I appreciate you sharing your wisdom 🙏🏽

[@ancabostinariu6550]

2022 very nice lectures and still very current. On zoom again.

[@dheanissamardhini2712]

Aww this came to me right when I needed some wisdom on hard topics ✨ love it 🧡

[@kristine6996]

Thank you ❣️

[@tabassumtahera]

I love this woman❤You are such a wonderful person❤

[@thegreenwoodelf8014]

Thank you Ester for your insights 👌🏻💜🔥💜

[@nomsayolisa1804]

I love you Esther thank you for the enlightenment 😘😘

[@coyharlingen]

thank you so much

[@stephaniebalosbalos1866]

Thank you so much. Listening to you helps me a lot clarify many gray areas in my life especially on the relationship level .

[@marthenri]

Thank you.

[@abbygiraldo9022]

Quelle inspiration de femme ❤️ j’adore 🥰

[@clemislilly6559]

With much wisdom comes sorrows !

[@firasbaltaji1533]

I missed it live! :/ Thank you Esther for a thought-provoking conversation. Love it! Political, sexual, social, religious subjects are all up for dialogue. In my opinion, "the kettle" is definitely the way to go...

[@OlympiaSophie]

Thanks for sharing this. If you can handle difficult conversations or difficult personalities then it can honestly make your relations much smoother.

[@theartoflove33]

Thank you for being exactly how you are. I am a fan of your work. I feel tuned into my experience in a wonderful way. Thank you for sharing your medicine in such powerful potent relatable ways. I appreciate and adore you.

[@DaxXadify]

When will you finally come visit the Philippines? Please visit and hold talks and guestings, roadshows and clinic.

[@niamhkelly6018]

I ❤️ Esther!!!

[@venusdemilo493]

I'm so grateful to Esther, your intelligent, your empathy, wisdom teaches me a lot. My view at any relationships changed completely. All my life (I'm 41) I struggle with my powerful mother yet very kind and helpful, only you open up my heart to her. Same with partner, I used to blame him for not making me feel happy, or making me feel guilty, whatever, yet what I should change is my reaction and my views. Thank You so much. I love you and God bless you 💕 💕 💕

[@kshinokevin]

I totally need this, in order to talk to my elderly, highly critical and religious (Irish/Roman Catholic) mother, with anger management issues and mood swings (she had lost her marbles, even before 2013, the year that my father had passed on/away). She is set in her ways and don't want to change: to listen to people's advice; (friends and/or total strangers / outsiders) people that want to help her: like her own Doctors' advice (who tell her to either see an urgent care facility or go to the ER (at a hospital). It is the "My Way or the Highway"-type of attitude. Sometimes, she talked to me, about the same issues to me, that I heard from her yesterday (a broken record). Total Strangers seem to take the Place of her Own Family.

[@kshinokevin]

For her, it is hard to tell the difference between a Normal (rational thinking) Person and a Abnormal Person, who has Mental Illnesses, due to substance abuse issues and/or could also be homeless. Sometimes, it has come to physical blows: sometimes, she rocks her rollator/walker violently or pounds on the walls to gain my attention. She needs to sleep more (only sleeps 2 hours a day; sometimes, she is up for 24 hours !); have less anxiety and stress in her life, but be happier, I think, because there is only one person that is helping her out (which is me); but I need help too (for/in respite care or a support group). It is like the film "Ground Hog Day;" my mother may suffer from OCD, due to the hoarding problems, that is currently happening in her own bedroom or kitchen. I feel that it is only going to get harder and worst. Maybe, I might seek out CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) in the future, in order to help her improve her life.

[@zoeymartin732]

I even have a very difficult time even starting to talk about how my day has been

[@vanessaf98]

I'm sorry that this is the case I hope this improves my love. Xx

[@andreapelayo781]

Same here. I hope we improve in time

[@kikinyte6806]

Esther You Look Radiant ❤️

[@bottegin]

The difference between debate and dialogue is wonderful. My question is how can I dialogue with someone who is debating?

[@bottegin]

The concept of river, kettle and bird begins to reply to my question. I guess that when the relationship is fragile I must begin with the River. As the relationship gets stronger I can start using the kettle model. As things get better I can move towards the the bird model.

[@chaltadabba1289]

Your insight is very productive

[@weamhanna3016]

Actual guidance starts at 10 minutes

[@keho723]

10:00

[@keshakellogg5995]

Thank you!

[@navyamekera8145]

Thank you

[@clarkkee7457]

Time is valuable. Thank you

[@tarapengana7271]

Thx, was wondering when she was getting to the point!!

[@koroglurustem1722]

This angel has a lot of wisdom to impart to the world. I have sucked all of what she said (hopefully). So full of distinctions and nuances. For example, at 43:00 she answering the question of a lady telling how to handle the conversation with her husband where she overcomes emotional issues by talking while he doesn't talk much and deals with emotional issues silently.

[@vanessaf98]

Esther is serving beach glam, yass queen.

[@rafeeqwarfield9690]

What a valuable conversation. So many gems! Thank you, Esther for sharing your insights and teachings. I’m on my way to a dinner, and will definitely pose some of these ideas. It is hard for me, and I’m sure for others, to competently deal with other people where we have big differences in preferences, values and or beliefs. Tough work, but what I’ll keep in mind is what you said, “just because you have strong feelings, doesn’t mean you’re correct.”

[@jelizabethpetrie6656]

Love this! Also love Jack’s painting. Does he have a website where they are displayed and for sale? I love this open dialogue on subjects concerning everyday living.

[@gordonmeeks2447]

Routine chores and effectiveness of one another's ways of doing things. Small differences of style or habits can blow up quickly because of insufficient self-confidence or sensitive egos. Petty stuff can lead to crises.

[@gabyllanes5864]

FABULOSAAAA‼️😍

[@marianemashkalo4182]

I love the natural hair color! I'm going to do that too someday :)

[@goa7516]

Life is Life la la la la la ❤️ . - Goa ❤️ .

[@csmith5611]

Really wonderful help, but if you are trying to converse with a narcissist probably counter-productive and damaging to you. How to work out and understand who is a dangerous personality is key. Being gullible and naive and just trying harder is what they love you to do....while they destroy you.

[@morehn]

You really surprised me with that Talmudic part. I'm impressed.

[@tashsims4535]

My Mom,Children, religion and my culture. I am South African and my now husband is Australian. My second marriage. I moved to Australia 9 years ago

[@clemislilly6559]

We can agree to disagree and you still are my friend !

[@lindaprichard5907]

Been listening to your other podcasts, why is Love never enough?

[@dargalcradds8532]

Family , relationship

[@FABIOLINDOCC]

Esther looks beautiful in this video 😍

[@raymondjractliffe7910]

Interesting - none of this is relative to me. Questions that just do not exist for me. I grew up in a family but there are no links at all, never have been. To survive one had to be not there. Separation was the norm, all else was structurally impossible. What I learned the most, on what to do as an adult was - don't do as per experience. I Just turned 65 this month, I know I live a very different life than others.....yet, I remain empathetic, a family man....a quiet philosopher. But the concepts you speak of, I have no understanding of their meaning. I have in time found my place in the universe, but it did take a long battle. Playing poker with three cards was a challenge yet, I did better than most. I was and have been very aware of the voids in my life. One cannot change what is.

[@golgakahvedjioglou2941]

i feel that everything has been assigned to me from my family i am my parents daughter as a child i felt separated and now as i am 59 years young i feel i have become the same funny but true my parents gave me strict boundaries in turn my children didn't so my parenting skills were different now i fell my parents way was right

[@SensualBrunette]

@golga why do you feel that your parents way was right?

[@blakeaaron5698]

Curiosity is the bridge

[@henrybyrd7888]

you and harriet fraad are my favorite bug doctors

[@wenlopez3142]

What is hard is when this discussions happen in online group chats. I try to communicate I would like a break but some people will keep going.

[@lawaleto]

Why did anyone dislike this?

[@carlaalfonsetti8355]

Esther how do you just not loose yourself in other? And how do you do relationships?

[@kimgordon3695]

An expansive Worldview hinges upon true Respect.

[@kimgordon3695]

"Recognition of this & the management of difference..." 💕 Love that Esther

[@kimgordon3695]

Caring thought 1st. Then essential skills. Then Courage ™

[@kimgordon3695]

Anger is the acknowledgement that things could be better ™

[@storyteller4410]

💓

[@goa7516]

A humble suggestion , Let go what ever hurts you , the earlier you forgive some one will make you the happiest human and master in Art of living . Believe in yourself first n the World will believe in you . - Goa ❤️ .

[@messrsandersonco5985]

Forgiveness is the hardest thing to do in a relationship! Without dialogue, difficulties will just repeat themselves..

[@marywest6844]

@@messrsandersonco5985 everyone has different situations. Forgiveness is a choice. There is levels of forgiveness to. It is not a given.

[@zoeymartin732]

How to get everyone to get in their two sense and piece of mind without arguments or confirtations

[@sgs5michelle239]

When I was no longer working after my Ford Fusion car ran over me and continued to drive itself down the road...anyway, I'd been in a career for 17 years. I'm better, still floundering, my boyfriend of 14 years degrades me and is aggreviated and just yesterday said "I miss you, the you you used to be" Breaks my heart because I have to own some of this truth.

[@SensualBrunette]

@sgs5 girl just go watch Shera7 or even Tony Gaskins here on youtube...leave that dusty and get a life! good luck :)

[@jesicachin3952]

You made me become a better wife....a better version of myself.....

[@johnmeyer2072]

Is it my imagination, or does she actually look more beautiful than she did 12 years ago? It's not supposed to work that way is it?

[@breezya45]

John Meyer European diet, skincare, healthcare. Which btw include designated “spa” services. These are often health retreats. Also, good light and camera equipment 😉

[@miekebaras7198]

John Meyer ????

[@charlotteiliu]

She is much wiser and has done much more good than 12 years ago. That’s why she’s hotter now!

[@gavinreid5387]

Filter.

[@amazinghuman3981]

It's not ur imagination alone. Members are many. She is a beauty to reckon with.

[@nurulananda1576]

I hope you give a subtitel english on your video, because i don't understand ebout your conversation

[@theog4643]

Esther Perel and Jordan b. Peterson, lets make it happen

[@jamilaschweiger7292]

The funny thing is I am also from Belgium Brussels exactly French parts she’s the Flemish part. I wish I could talk to her or afford her.

[@garciamilly2423]

do you need help in your relationship get in touch with him on WhatsApp

[@garciamilly2423]

[phone]

[@amycuaresma]

What part of you identity was assigned to you? My older sister of 5 years has labeled me as unwell mentally unless I do what she says. If I do not then she interferes with the people and relationships in my life mean the most. Eventually I went no contact which. After becoming estranged to her I chose to assign myself the role of resilience. After 10 years of estrangement from her I am meeting her tomorrow to make ammends

[@dreamlife2351]

Your comment was 4 months ago but I truly am interested in how that meeting went. I too have a family that labels me (untrue ) with degrading comments. I have had no contact maybe 4 times in my 65 years. Yes still to this day it continues. I am the only sibling with children and the other 2 hold hostage love and true from my children and me because of their POV from when I was 16 years old ( I left home then) I will check this feed for a response, in the coming month. All the best to you 🌺

[@amycuaresma]

Hi thanks for asking. I feel like there can be a deep loneliness to nat having family show up for us in our lives, we need that connection. The meeting was underwhelming. She is stuck in a fixed false narrative of who she says I am and nothing will change that. I haven't seen her since. It must be painful for her not to have access to her own emotions and feelings, she projects outward to maintain a sense of control. I was triggered initially by her demeanor and words. I will write more soon I am at work but I had forgotten I wrote this. Good opportunity for us to share and heal