The unsexy truth, the hookup culture | Lisa Bunnage | TEDxSFU

[@goodgirl140]

My parents always told me that it was normal to have sex and that when I did, to make sure it was with someone I trusted and cared about. They also told me to go to them if I needed birth control or condoms. As a result, I waited until way later than my peers to have sex, because I was always taught it was normal, whereas everyone else thought they were being rebellious and grown up. Also, my Dad grew up in the 60s, and I asked him if our generation has more sex than his and he laughed. He said that it was probably just as much, but people were under more pressure to hide it.

[@msjkramey]

goodgirl140 thank you! my dad refuses to talk about it, but my dad used to be a sex educator. She was a little bit of a hypocrite and had biased views on morality, but I knew all the facts. I can name about a dozen forms of birth control and know all about how Planned Parenthood actually functions, even though I've never been

[@GeoNeilUK]

Your Dad is the best parent!

[@Samzillah]

My mom was sexually active at 13. My dad was in his teens, but idk when exactly he lost it. All they were ever taught was abstinence. My uncle lost his virginity at 12. My other uncle knocked up his gf at 14, lost it, and then she tried her hardest to secretly get pregnant by him until she had my cousin at 16. My grandmother has told me how common it was for girls to drop out of school and get married because a baby was on the way. Or how many girls would leave school for a year to 'stay with family' when really they were hidden away, gave birth and then put the kid up for adoption and came back like nothing happened. These issues arent new. Its been proven that good, comprehensive sex ed can make someone more likely to wait. And those people tend to have less regrets about how they lost their virginity, and have better sex lives. Normalizing and educating is important. Teens need to know the full anatomy of both sexes and intersex conditions to understand themselves and their possible partners. They need to be taught about relationships and consent. They need to know how to protect themselves against std and pregnancies.

[@samanthaslagel8138]

goodgirl140 that's really cool of your parents dude

[@jaketaylor2775]

goodgirl140 My parents were the same, and I honestly think that is the right way to do it. By being so open about it and trusting me to make safe choices, it took the mystery away.

[@ouareaugirl]

20 year old here. I talked to my parents about sex growing up. Very open about it. Better than anything I got at school. My friends think it's weird, but I'm grateful for it.

[@BratBustersParenting]

Excellent :)

[@Amy-wh9dz]

Excellent! That is very rare. One day when I was 12, my mom just handed me a short book that literally used a "birds and the bees" reference. Honestly wish my mom had just had a conversation with me about it.....she said I could go to her for any questions, but what kid is going to start that conversation? Adults need to initiate! Glad to hear that your experience was good.

[@sidney4022]

Hopefully its not as awkward as the time Grunkle Stan gave Dipper "the talk".

[@SMBShippuden4]

I know this is 5 years old, but if you’re still active, what did you get out of that?

[@jandunn169]

My son didn't want to talk about it. So my question is how to you talk about something a kid doesn't want to talk about?

[@macjeffrey3794]

I am 20 years old and I have never met or even heard about anyone who has ever been to a rainbow party

[@hrm087]

Same. I’m 23 and the closest I ever got to one was an episode of Law and Order SVU

[@urlhoney]

im 19 and confused

[@THEWOLF9295-p2q]

Drew Perez Good Luck with that

[@rustyblade9400]

Drew Perez same brother

[@sk8neverdiez]

Exactly what I was thinking.

[@lancerd4934]

"I talked to the kids, I assure you rainbow parties are a thing" - I've _been_ a kid, I assure you, the kids are messing with you lady.

[@BratBustersParenting]

I've talked to police who have raided these parties. Some of the kids are as young as 12-13 ... horrible.

[@Keepitgoinging]

She says it like it's a fact.

[@fatefatefate]

@@BratBustersParenting 😂😂😂 So these “police” you speak of just were granted a warrant because “Hey we heard some ruckus around town this is where the boys are coming to get the succ care for us to take a look inside?”

[@melancholy-kate9116]

shame and guilt are ok 👌🏼 a lot of parents are in the same boat. ignorance is not.

[@daniellemasterson7590]

@@BratBustersParenting Crazy...good way to get an STD.

[@isabelreyes6387]

She is using her experience with troubled kids as a generalized perspective of kids. I can tell you my 13 yo is far better than how I was at 13. I thought I was just lucky but my friends seem to have the same experience with their kids. Also parents are way more involved in their kids lives than when we were growing up - Odd how that seems to be more effective at keeping our kids from engaging in risky behaviour than corporal punishment.

[@king.2597]

The problem is using teens you know to be in uncommon circumstances and using them as a layout for all other teen who don't live in those contexts

[@bplayerr1]

​@@king.2597exactly, the exception does not make the rule nor your micro experience extrapolate out into the macro

[@TheLittleColumbus]

Everything she says is true but her opinion of the facts are out of touch. Discipline does nothing to affect curiosity towards sex. Education is needed but should put safety before prejudice.

[@miaa7097]

exactly. ..

[@vacvictor4616]

+Little Columbus problem was she did not take her kids to career day.

[@redgreen7279]

+mightyknight She cant have it both ways. Either kids respected folks back then or they didnt. If the catalyst was getting smacked in the head then she inadvertently proved her own point. It cant be the sex to hear her tell it. Then everyone would behave now. It seems she proved a point she hadnt intended.

[@emmasmith6104]

I think you guys are missing the point. Discipline doesn't always mean being "smacked in the head," many times it means just saying no, being actively involved in children's lives, and helping kids recognize their mistakes. Her point isn't to use physical discipline, her point is to be involved in kids lives so they can come to their parents and ask questions instead of turning to other sources.

[@karinefonte516]

Sorry, but if that's what she meant, she's gonna have to improve her pitch a lot, because such ideas passed waaaay far from what she said and showed. And that tells a lot about her talent as "family coach".

[@MsSomeonenew]

So in the conclusion of the talk: - talk to your kids about sex - stay very awkward around the topic, apparently that is natural - give them minimal information - and give them no sense of normality, i.e. claim you don't do it Well that is the perfect blend of not changing a damn thing, it will stay an awkward topic if you make it an awkward topic. It is clear through the talk that the lady never got comfortable with sex, and that she want the norm to be here level of discomfort.

[@BratBustersParenting]

Yup, that's exactly what I was getting at, lol.

[@taiwithers6425]

And remind them that the only sex is M/F sex.

[@YoginiMami]

she leaves it up to each individual parent about how they should go about talking to their kids about sex. The important point is that parents should be talking to their kids about sex. period. she doesn't have a book or set of guidelines parents should follow, bc there are none, each child is different just like each parent is different. we have to learn how to do that on our own...as long as we talk about it! sex!

[@pascalHenrich]

this Women is out of Date

[@haleyp6660]

As a very naive 12 year old I am very grateful that my mother gave me "The Talk" later one night after my little sister had gone to bed. I'd always been very modest, so as you might imagine I was quite upset upon learning of body parts I never knew existed and what men and women do with one another and how a baby is actually made. The prospects of sexuality gradually becoming more prevalent in my life as I entered high school was hard to stomach, and even though my mother was very gentle with her explanations,at the end of our conversation I told her that it wasn't a very nice story and that I hoped none of it was true. Alas as time went by and I moved into high school it could not be avoided and I found myself on mute and feeling terribly awkward when sexuality was spoken about so casually among my peers. Sex Ed was excruciating to say the least! But the point of my story is ... I am one of three. I have two sisters - one older and one younger. We weren't sheltered and as much as it may sound like I was raised in a convent ... I wasn't. It was only a few years ago I found out that both my sisters never had "The Talk" with my mother. They didn't need it, apparently they knew practically everything by 12 and they told my mother so. One is 10 years older than me (gen X) and the other is 3 years younger (gen Y). I think that the way children learn about sex varies from child to child, just like the way they learn any other subject does. It was something I struggled with, I couldn't grasp the concept, the idea, much like algebra! but my sisters thought nothing of it - It was completely normal for them and yet an utter outrage to me. So, I don't think it's very wise to out and out blame parenting techniques throughout the ages, nor pornography, nor the rise and rise of technology or evolution of social norms for teens. Everyone learns differently, makes their own choices and can decide what they do and do not want to participate in. If these rainbow parties were going on while I was a teen, well that went straight over my head, but that's not to say that my friends or my sisters weren't involved (I didn't need that imagery). Each to their own and if their actions aren't hurting anyone else, grating against their morals, endangering their own lives or illegal they can do as they please ... Needless to say my sisters and I all grew up to be "well adjusted" adults and I seriously doubt that had anything to do with our teenage sex lives, whatever that may have been ... (again, I did not need that imagery).

[@lydiabarbry3310]

As a teen I can guarantee that "rainbow parties" are not and have never been a thing

[@BratBustersParenting]

It depends where you live.

[@SmartArtzzz]

As a teen I've heard of parties like this but I've never heard of the term.

[@sahulianhooligan7046]

Anecdotal evidence

[@izziefrazier6823]

They are ... they are a thing where I live...

[@ZanetaW]

The only time I've heard of them is on SVU and I had to Google it, they literally made it out to be a huge thing but none of the friends I've had from all over the world had ever heard of it

[@jasonvargas441]

Whenever your argument is "Everything was better in my day", your argument is invalid.

[@HarryJohnson69]

But it’s true tho

[@jasonvargas441]

Alex Dashkoff It is not tho. If a parent blames a lack of respect or negative behavior on the time or age their child was born, they're just bad parents.

[@HarryJohnson69]

But she’s not doing that with her children, she’s observing how the behavior of the teachers and parents have changed throughout the decades and how it has negatively impacted the kids. I am convinced that if schools had corporate punishment for me in highschool, I would’ve had more respect for my teachers and would’ve gotten way less detentions and suspensions

[@jasonvargas441]

Alex Dashkoff I believe and have experience myself that respect is not something you get from punishment. If you *fear* your teacher and parents, or fear the punishment you'll receive if you do wrong, that is not respect, that's literally terrorism (I don't wanna sound dramatic, but I think the word fits). I do believe parents should be closer to their kids and watch more closely too, but I firmly believe respect is something that you get through some kind of admiration, therefore, setting the example instead of just punishing and scolding is a way better solution.

[@HarryJohnson69]

Jason Vargas 1. Terrorism are acts of violence for political reasons, so terrorism would be both extreme and very inaccurate. 2. I think that the old days are still better than today where the parents are trying to be friends with their kids. NO! That’s not the type of relationship you have with your kids. So naturally if you change the relationship dynamic then the kids are going to look st the parents differently, and the respect is not going to be the same. Parents need to assert their power. Maybe corporate punishment is not the right answer, but parents certainly need to be more strict with their kids instead of super lenient like they are today

[@DoomedScholar]

When does she talk about hook up culture?

[@jay5954]

ikr, it just seems like an actual cringey 'boomer' rant. Probs the worst TED talk I've seen so far, lost respect for her when she started her 80s/90s rant

[@barboradubr1970]

It's all about the base of hook-up culture - how it started and why and what is the danger conected to it. Try listening again (:

[@billny33]

Probably the stuff about rainbow parties.

[@a_fellow_human]

Yeah...didn't really get much from this.

[@TheJamesRedwood]

Corporal punishment meant kids feared adults, not respected them.

[@MrNamenamenamename]

+TheJamesRedwood thats not what the talk is about

[@adamslemp9880]

+TheJamesRedwood I was spanked (when I needed to be) and I respect adults. Or are you going to say I'm confused and repressed or a liar because I have experience and disagree with you?

[@TheJamesRedwood]

Mr. Me Correct. So?

[@TheJamesRedwood]

Adam Slemp Spanking is not the sole example of corporal punishment. In fact it is the form specifically designed to avoid the label "assault", though if you did that to a fellow adult in most countries it would be considered assault if it was not consented to. This is not a joke question: When did you need to be spanked?

[@adamslemp9880]

+TheJamesRedwood: Spanking wasn't the only punishment my parents resorted to--I was more often put in the corner or had privileges taken away. It depended on the severity of the offense. (And concerning adults: forcing a fellow adult to sit facing the wall would also be considered harassment--adults and one's own children are different cases for several reasons.) I wasn't spanked often, but one example of behavior that would lead to it would have been deliberately lying to my parents (in order to get away with something) and then persisting in the lie once I'd been caught. I'm sorry I can't be more specific--I don't remember any cases in elaborate detail because honestly I wasn't traumatized by them.

[@MarleyMe95]

Usually I give people the benefit of the doubt when I disagree with them but I feel like this woman's research method was looking through Urban Dictionary.

[@xx1983xx]

These "examples" came from her clients, who were young adults. She didn't need to research much when they told her what was going on in their lives. Why do you doubt? And specifically, what are you doubting? Credibility? Then you're missing the ENTIRE point of her presentation.

[@Amy-wh9dz]

She has experience which is worth more than numbers on a sheet!

[@HhfGs2478]

K X Notice JC doesn’t respond with any logical reasoning. May not have any logical reasoning haha

[@amberslahlize7961]

I think you misspelled "experience", shes seen a lot, and experienced a lot more in life than you have. Something Urban Dictionary pales in comparison with.

[@adamdavis1648]

@@xx1983xx But she seems to be assuming that what's going on in her clients' lives is also what's going on in most young adults' lives. For all she or we know, her clients might be highly unusual young adults doing things most young adults don't do. This is why studies and stats are better than anecdotal evidence.

[@TitanOfClash]

I like how all of her facts were backed up by statistics and solid logic, oh wait...

[@giannisniper96]

+Henry Tompkinson statistics is always misleading to people because most can't interpret it

[@TitanOfClash]

Graphs?

[@earlgrey2130]

+giannisniper96 Would you rather have people just make up shit and then hold talks about the made up shit? Oh wait.. that just happened

[@giannisniper96]

ahaha! true Samurailord

[@manassinclair9257]

+giannisniper96 Are* and it depends on how those stats are presented.

[@TheBoeboe]

"I looked it up on wikipedia and it said it is an urban legend, but it is not" This lady is soooboit of touch

[@joanlynch5271]

What are you referring to? Try to be precise in what you say otherwise it is a useless slur.

[@travelertrash1153]

I normally love ted talks but I am already half way through the video and still haven’t heard a point.

[@Garl_Vinland]

Local Grandma angry that kids are getting more action then she is.

[@jdanielzuk]

She makes a huge point at 52 seconds. It looks to me like maybe you're just not in the same conversation.

[@joman388]

I agree,very very poor teaching of values,must be a modern day phycologists,alot of talk,little said.thanks

[@bgi384]

3.55 she talks about latchkey kids etc which is very relevant

[@thomasrichardson5425]

its a straight up lie that things are getting worse: kids today actually have less sex than they have in past decades, and often later. research confirms this again and again. Her cherry picked personal experience with kids who have been specifically referred to her doesn't reflect reality.

[@Ancientandoneofakind]

Very true.

[@yaeli_i_guess]

Thomas Richardson with a hint of juvenoia too

[@yaeli_i_guess]

Not so much a hint

[@evabakhuis7659]

Thomas Richardson You have any sources? (Not criticizing, just curious!)

[@victoriabrittain5329]

Thomas Richardson ppppppjpopoojpp

[@aaronashamccracken8125]

Why is everyone upset with this lady? Porn is changing our culture is such a sad way.

[@deerheart87]

its only going to get worse

[@mundoinvisivelxd1936]

because its those fuck turds who do this stuff ,and they hate to follow rules or social norms ..they don't like to be censured .

[@barondavs4412]

AaronAsha McCracken She is trying to blame it on one thing, when in reality it is not that simple. A lot of things have to do with why our society is the way it is. And she is also kind of putting out the idea that everyone from the younger generations are like that, and the truth is everyone is different and have different life situations. Some people are raised in family situation according to her ideals, with no porn, and grow up to be just as "bad" as the rest of us.

[@BratBustersParenting]

I only had 20 minutes for a talk that could've taken 2 hours. I don't believe porn in changing our culture at all, I believe that parenting has taken a back seat and THAT's what changing our culture. It's allowing porn, violence, peer pressure, etc. to take over. Kids are lacking leadership which is what parenting is all about.

[@cobbija]

I think many people agree with you on this. Nevertheless, the amount of judgement and prejudice that comes across the talk doesn't make it sound solid. I felt the kids were causally mocked for what they said and did. I don't think I would trust my curiosity, my bullying problems or my sexual questions in such an environment. And I do think the way women were portrayed was very harsh. Where's dad when mom went to work? Why are we taking mothers going to work as the main reason this is happening?

[@someoneorother3638]

Seriously? The 60's is your comparison decade against hookup culture? The decade of free love? THAT was the time when adults aggressively watched the young'uns and kept them out of trouble?? Somebody's wearing rose coloured googles looking at the past!

[@Ancientandoneofakind]

Someone Orother More like "conservative" colored glasses.

[@Bad1Mushroom]

lol, thats the point... she started with the 60's cause it started to change from there.

[@HitRealm]

Actually, counterculture still made up the minority of the U.S. , it was just a vocal minority.

[@VirandoGringa]

when she said "kids respected adults back then" I just came to the comment session to see if I was the only crazy one. But no, you understood too. She is definitely wearing rose coloured googles haha

[@barneybowler4695]

Hippies were a very small segment of society, not the norm. The sixties was a great decade to grow up in, but Boomers are the worse generation. Their parents were the greatest generation.

[@MyBinaryLife]

The swinger generation is literally having Ted talks about how they’re confused that their kids are the same as they were when they were kids.

[@lancerd4934]

@@taliesinhalliday I mean... she talks like she is

[@3Demon100]

"Who tf raised y'all" - Someone who raised y'all says

[@edgardorodriguez5665]

The REAL 2020 Election! Let's end the debate once and for all! Go vote!

[@MGL83]

Classic "it was better in my days" old person rant. First of all, when she was a kid and was watched and hit with belt or ruler, this did not make them respect adults. It just made them fear them.

[@d.e.b.b5788]

Like most parents, they think fear=respect.

[@MGL83]

I think Machiavelli meant it for king vs people, and there he could be right. When dealing with individuals, mixing fear and love seems like a recipe for abusive relationship.

[@MGL83]

+Anthony Labruno A ruler and his people, and parent and child are not the same relation. There are similarities, but child cannot decide about itself or be responsible in the same way as adult is under law. Moreover, fear can mean much more than dose of respect. Depending on which meaning you intend, it leads to either respect or resentment and those make very different types of relationships. Maybe more accurate word would be deference?

[@MGL83]

+Anthony Labruno I'm not talking about own experiences, and let's not make this personal :) I know what you mean, but I reject that idea of love and fear. Love implies caring and wanting to protect, but fear can mean being afraid for own safety, and in this sense they are at conflict. For example, in relationship you should have love and respect, but your equation implies that you then also need fear. Do you think if it would be healthy if your partner has to be afraid of you? I hope not. :) I say it's same with parent-child. If child needs to afraid for own safety, then I think something is very wrong there. Same with that god-fearing thing. I know it comes form culture and tradition - I anyway argue that it's a horrible idea. I think a parent should not be a threat to his child. Only way it would be ok (and I suspect that was intention of whoever coined this term) is if by fear we mean deference, but then a wrong word is used. Semantics, sure, but the word fear is often used to defend things like beating kids, or "putting some fear in them". Badly used words can have bad consequences, and we should say exactly what we mean rather than using too broad expressions.

[@MGL83]

+Anthony Labruno Ok. In that sense I can agree.

[@Gleebaer]

I am a little confused by the end of this. what is her message exactly?! Talk about Sex but don´t talk about sex? When she praises to be open about it but has difficulties to explain, to a room of adults, what wierd partygames are being played and also comments this with "to embarrassing" it strikes me as contradicting. Sure, being open about Sex is important and you don´t have to go into detail regarding your own sexual practices but if you choose to speak about sex in front of other people then just speak about it. Open and directly.

[@adielwilson8749]

Open and direct doesn't mean giving a whole bunch of explicit details

[@cristiejob]

I absolutely agree with your second sentence 100%, Lee La Launebär!!

[@rigorousproject4466]

She's confused it appears

[@BratBustersParenting]

I wasn't prepared to discuss everything with 3 year olds. By the time they were teens nothing was left unsaid.

[@samanthaeves6532]

"I feel bad for the men that are checking out these woman." Or you could, you know, feel bad for the child getting eyes by the older man.

[@ellisjackson3355]

Samantha Eves yeah screw the dudes, right? Lol...

[@nuanceblacksywin4868]

Why not both?

[@Ashtonkessler]

How about feeling bad for both...

[@EpicFreeStuffs]

Men arent doing anything wrong by eyeing a *teen* not a *child*. Stop trying to exaggerate the situation to fit your agenda.

[@namenotfound6881]

They're confused. If children want to go around looking "grown" you can't blame a man looking at someone who he thinks looks age appropriate. He didn't know. Geez. I looked 13-16 well until I turned 18. 13 year olds look older than I do now. It's crazy and it's because its push up bra this and crop top that and booty shorts with cheeks hanging

[@kaitlinmcguire7086]

I think you’re confusing “respect” with “obedience based on fear”

[@kajetanradulski9267]

Hail our glorious regime! Leadership of the party will create order based on fear!

[@nickh424]

Fear is a part of leadership. So is respect.

[@jaredm1162]

yeah... that's the vibe i'm getting from this lady

[@christinaanne8726]

Seriously, shut up.

[@adielwilson8749]

Respect starts with obedience based on fear and/or mutually agreed upon rules

[@valerias6179]

This is the first TED talk that I didn't like

[@carolinesedberry8855]

It's bewildering that she barely touches on the need for better sexual education in school and pretty much completely neglects to talk about the role sexism plays in our culture regarding sex. The problem isn't sexual activity it's the sexist and detrimental nature of modern pornography and the strange dichotomous way in which we as a culture treat sex(sex is simultaneously tabooed/shamed yet extremely prevalent in its most negative and falsified forms). There's nothing wrong with having safe, consensual, recreational sex the issue is that young people are watching porn that degrades women and offers a fucked up brand of sex. She literally told a story in which a girl didn't like a boy, yet felt obligated to perform oral sex that brought her no sexual pleasure, followed by a story in which a boy felt entitled to a sexual favor of the same nature. I'm astounded that a professional could overlook such an obvious dynamic where sexism is so blatantly present. Not only this, but she pretty much implied that its better for children that a woman's role to be limited to domesticity. Furthermore, instead of acknowledging how disturbingly sexualized young girls are expected to be, she extended sympathy to the poor men who have to refrain from fucking them. Not even gonna go into her weird glamorization of the good old days when schools could physically beat children to instill respect... This is so ridiculous I feel horrible for the kids she's supposed to be helping.

[@carolinesedberry8855]

+Caroline Sedberry Like yeah lisa we get it our generation is fucked up when it comes to sex but maybe for different reasons other than "sex shouldn't be casual because I say so" like maybe because a certain group of gender is actually being hurt and oppressed by our culture regarding sex?? And I know this is crazy but hear me out: maybe we should stress communication, empathy, and education as a solution instead of literally trying to classically condition children to not do stuff using physical violence as punishment. lol

[@RihannaIsIluminati]

If you actually listened, that's exactly what she said. She mentioned corporal punishment briefly in her example of her youth, she never advocated for it. She used it as an example of community-centered raising of children and respect for adults. Her solution to this issue is for parents to get more involved in their kids' lives and express their values and expectations outside of Sex-Ed (which is necessary) at school. The solution isn't more Sex-Ed alone, it's accurate Sex-Ed plus good involved parenting. Also, what the hell does sexism have to do with anything?

[@RihannaIsIluminati]

***** "I'm radical feminist" Well that explains a bunch. Don't you feel like you're coming at this issue a little biased? This talk was meant as help for non-radical feminists (like 99% of America) looking for solutions to enhance their non-radical feminist children's upbringing.

[@dekippiesip]

There is nothing wrong with porn, as long as you take as entertaining material, NOT educational. Im a 24 year old virgin that enjoys watching porn, but I don't see it as educational or representative in any way. You should take it like a James Bond movie, deep down you know that's not the way intelligence agency's work, and you know you shouldn't do these crazy things with cars. But you watch it cause it's fun. As long as one can see porn for what it is, their should be no problem. The problem is with the viewers who think it serves as an accurate description of real life sex.

[@hmicky-mickey]

Caroline - This stale form of argument that women are reduced to just being domestic (as if domesticity is a bad thing) and that there are good forms of porn (LOL WOW you literally lost most reasonable people and you sound not only brainwashed but born with in the echo chamber of the millennial generation and your conditioned now to think porn can be a form of, wait for it, feminism? What the &^@ is wrong with you?!) And you're duplicitous and confused by saying, correctly, that girls are sexualized, and disturbingly way too young. Yet you think porn for females is okay. You'll never hold any form of governmental educational job with that deluded, immoral, hip pro sex positive, sexy, we're all ok, vomitous thinking. Nor should your super hip, because you don't understand anything related to Maslow's hierarchal way of thinking or any type of social argument to how humans behave sociologically, so please stay away from schools and just confuse your own kids or future kids and send them out to the wolves where your daughters will be used even though they were trained to think there are positive porn material for women (and all your other mumbo jumbo).

[@WindmillChef]

When I was 14, attending The Dutch equivalent of High School in The Netherlands, there was a kid in my class who experimented and smoked some Hash (like Marijuana). Everyone thinks that in The Netherlands everyone uses light drugs but this is false, very few Dutch people do. Upon learning about this the father of this kid looked into his savings account, determined that financially he could miss 2 years of work and quit his job. For the next year he spent every waking moment with his son to ensure that his son wasn't doing drugs. He came to school with us, joined his son's sports, everything. It made a lasting impression on me. Our children are the most significant and most important thing in our entire life. I'd like someone to try to make the argument that they are not. NO ONE is going to raise our kids for us, no school, no after school program, no psychiatrist, no paid people. If you don't raise your children, no one else will.

[@raktor1996]

Good intentions, but maybe he went a bit overboard by being with him all the time. If the kid was okay with it it's fine, but this can inhibit socialization, which can have bad longterm effects. Of course not as bad as being a junkie, but i think there is a middle line.

[@sergejstjepic2239]

Paul Bras That’s an amazing story

[@maxwellbolzman7077]

Some parents need to hop off their kids tip and give them some personal space

[@JCSuperstar777]

The solution is not to bring anyone into existence. The one thing we know for certain is that no one chooses to have a child for the child’s sake. You are doing no one any favours by having kids - *least* of all the kid. Find a different way to feel good about yourself than perpetuating your genes. We have enough.

[@LOve-bq4gc]

Paul Bras You sound horribly entitled and naive. I doubt at least half the nation could afford taking 2 years off of work to spend time with their kid, even if they wanted to.

[@julialake6486]

I must have been the unpopular kid in school. I never heard of, let alone was invited to, a "rainbow party."

[@BratBustersParenting]

They're usually held by older people out of college. They provide alcohol, drugs and the revolting ideas. Sickening.

[@callies8907]

They're not real. If they've ever happened, its because parents went on a moral panic crusade and gave their kids the idea.

[@FirstLast-fr4hb]

Someone one told me about their party in highschool, I was incredibly jealous at the time.

[@SenhorAlien]

Many people in other comments talked about how they heard about it or even went to parties in which a rainbow party happened.

[@raymondflores5176]

@@caseydakus7130 where im from there is a large swingers community

[@ooin_otaku4282]

There are valid arguments against hookup culture but this ain't it.

[@marklewis4793]

i'm 50,and i can tell that my fellow dinosaur is out of touch.

[@Rellikan]

So you're in with the kids ey? That's not creepy at all ahha

[@avatargoat1514]

Lmao

[@cryora]

@@Rellikan A parent can has finite ability to cockblock to protect their children. Eventually, they'll run into a suitor they can't handle and that guy would end up being a lot worse for their daughter than all those previous guys they had cockblocked. A parent tries to cockblock to filter for the perfect guy for their daughter, but not taking into consideration the limit of their cockblock abilities, ends up filtering all except for the most ruthless guy.

[@avaeiben4170]

You are a legend

[@TheSkyHazCloudz]

So basically, no evidence or research. All theory and speculation based off of her limited personal perspective. It's like they went and gave a highschool guidance counsellor a TED talk.

[@BratBustersParenting]

It's all based on my discussions with teens, therapists and police who often raid such parties. I wish it was just speculation.

[@mattd824]

I've met high school janitors with a better understanding teenagers and youth than her

[@amberslahlize7961]

You mean, based off of her vast (but limited) personal experience? Yeah that's life kid, grow up, get used to it. Even YOU are basing your argument on your own limited personal perspective.

[@adamdavis1648]

@@BratBustersParenting How do you know that most teens have done the same things as the ones you've spoken to or the ones you've heard about from therapists or police?

[@adamdavis1648]

@@amberslahlize7961 How do you know her experience is vast? Also in life we have studies and polls, allowing us to learn what MOST people have experienced instead of just what the people we've talked to or heard about have experienced.

[@Lukeriah]

I never comment on KZbin videos but I have to make an exception. This is hands down the worst Ted Talks I have seen. I worry for the kids this woman is coaching (the ones she is judging and LAUGHING at behind their backs) because they are clearly being fed outdated ideals from someone who prefers spanking (abuse) to sexual curiosity and experimentation. Sex is a biological function. If she had any true concern for the well-being of others she might approach this subject with a little compassion and attempt to understand what kids might be looking for and, if they are in fact getting hurt in the process, use love to guide them towards healthy and safe alternatives. The only lesson I can see her trying to get at is talk to kids about sex, though that isn't a natural conclusion after her ramblings. If kids are looking to porn to learn about sex, yes, that is a problem. The bigger problem? Someone who self admittedly cannot talk to their own kids about sex is in charge of teaching other's kids about it.

[@adamslemp9880]

+Lukeriah You might worry for her kids, but I worry for you. Discipline is not abuse (beating is, spanking is not), and what the hell is "outdated" and "idealistic" about not giving blowjobs to dozens of guys you don't even like? Or is that a model of the standard relationship you strive for?

[@guccibase]

+Adam Slemp thank you

[@JasonRennie]

+Adam Slemp Seriously? Hitting one part of the body is okay, but another part is not? Maybe you'll consider the conclusions of the APA: "Many studies have shown that physical punishment - including spanking, hitting and other means of causing pain - can lead to increased aggression, antisocial behavior, physical injury and mental health problems for children." www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking.aspx Fooling around with sex like the speaker is describing can be psychologically challenging to deal with, but that sort of behavior is only unusual if it's widely suppressed. Hitting your children is directly harmful. Parents have it hard and I think even generally reasonable parents will occasionally get overly frustrated and hit, but there's a huge difference between that and condoning it.

[@SpeakerWiggin49]

+Lukeriah : Agreed. This is the least forward thinking person I've ever seen in a Ted Talk. Sure I think kids have better things to do than going to parties and having orgies, but suppressing that causes problems as an adult.

[@Lukeriah]

Adam Slemp I think women can sleep with whomever they please, whether that be no men at all, or 100 of them. It's her body, her business, her life. Not yours. Let me repeat. Her body, her business- not yours.

[@NevaehBeatez]

This lady makes a lot of correlation = causation fallacies. I haven't heard of a single study that has proven that technology is the CAUSE of the hook up culture. They're just highly correlated.

[@YoutubeShortsIsACesspool]

and as we all know correlation does not = causation

[@theboyisnotright6312]

It is the cause, this is my opinion.

[@Ariovistus50]

It IS the cause, women have way too many options, they can't make up their mind and let themselves be used by fuckboys.

[@rtxmax8223]

tech is a weapon. Its not the cause, the upbringing and the environment is the cause.

[@NevaehBeatez]

@@CRM-114 People literally had 6+ kids in the past. You think hooking up is something new?

[@Loesoeman]

I would like to see if there’s any statistical evidence that shows if there’s any correlation between strictness of parents and kids being involved with hookup culture. Because nowadays i don’t think it has to do with that anymore, but if there’s statistical evidence, I’ll believe it

[@karambalagamba9162]

Go out meet some Girl with very strict parents, there are not as many as there used to be but in my experience the ones with strict parenting are the ones that lose control and I think you don't necessarily need numbers to prove that

[@robertwilber1909]

more to do with public school and internet access

[@joshuahummel3319]

use common sense and compare the western world to asia

[@robertwilber1909]

@@joshuahummel3319 like Thailand, where hookup culture is accepted, you just have to pay....

[@Loesoeman]

@@joshuahummel3319 bro what are u saying? How can you compare that without having been there? Doing that i’d have to use stereotypical subjective facts which also doesn’t prove anything factual

[@franciscobaptista1370]

Amazing how everytime she looked like being ready to drop a solid fact or interesting story she would just randomly tell a bad joke.

[@tanakaren1822]

She knows from decades of counseling experience that it makes the unpalpable more easily taken in.

[@bplayerr1]

Lol

[@jrichards4742]

No Lady belts did not make children respect their parents it just made them afraid of their parents, and not willing to ever tell them anything, so you talked a lot but really said nothing at all.

[@BratBustersParenting]

It's tough to fill 20 minutes with a speech. I'm used to interacting with audiences so this was a real challenge for me. My only message was right at the end: TALK TO YOUR KIDS.

[@jrichards4742]

Point taken. Thanks

[@FirstLast-fr4hb]

at least they were around to talk to

[@SenhorAlien]

It did make children respect their parents, or at least made my brothers and I respect ours, and worked the same way for other people in this video's comment section.

[@Moreninha55]

J Richards k

[@Rangernewb5550]

I agree with most of the comments down here. As an 18 year old, I can honestly say that the large majority of teenagers are not doing anything like she's mentioning. Of course, there are those select few that do stupid things just cause; or are brought up in a shitty manner that makes them approach sex without emotion. Those people always exist. And it's most likely these are the people she's counseling. Look at the description for this video. See how they're listed as fact. Alot of these couldn't be further from the truth. Sex is no more than a handshake? Preferring oral sex to kissing? Rainbow parties? Maybe/definitely with a handful of socially deviant kids; But to generalize? No. Most teenagers approach the opposite sex the same way you or I would, but with alot more awkwardness. Porn does teach kids the actions involved in copulating, but research and discussion with peers are how most kids learn the birds and the bees.

[@BlackLabelSlushie]

That's interesting to hear. I have always been surprised by my mom and her three siblings who all grew up in the height of the 60s hippy/free love heydey. Why? Because NONE of them were involved in the hippy/free love culture at all. Even though their family was liberal, they were all active & social and lived in urban cities like NYC (not repressive/conservative parts of the country). Her explanation was similar to yours - yes the hippy stuff was a trend that everyone knew about - sort of like rap is a big thing today - but MOST people were not really into it or involved in it. We get this twisted perception today that almost every young person was into it but that's totally not true. By the way she didn't hate hippy stuff or judge it. Just like I don't hate rap. It's just not 'my thing.'

[@dianevanderlinden3480]

@@BlackLabelSlushie exactly. Like the assumption that everyone of a certain age has done drugs, etc. drives me nuts.

[@RonaldRaiden]

Ted talks are just influencers

[@derrymr]

Do you have evidence? Where are you getting your information? What you are presenting is anecdotal. One person's experience is no evidence of any general trends.

[@bplayerr1]

It depends on where you live. I love in a big city and yup, that's how it works. Now, most men/males are not getting laid. But most girls are sharing the top 10% of desirable males and getting laid by them.

[@RealtorYogi]

My experience when I was babysitting is that all kids have curiosity about EVERYTHING. My approach was to answer their questions with a matter-of-fact tone and with the agenda of empowering them with knowledge. A few older kids at school (11 and 12) were holding certain knowledge over the little kids (7 and 8 years old) and tried to make them feel stupid for not knowing certain things i.e. tossed salad. When the little kids intellectually learned what the heck the older kids were talking about it diminished the power they had over them because from their perspective and how I put it so bluntly yet tactfully, they realized that what the older kids were talking about was really not that interesting. After that, they started asking me about meditation and music - not cookies. Really cool kids btw. Knowledge in the right context and with the right delivery is power. The main thing that was impressed upon them was that someone cared enough to listen to their real concern and that was appearing stupid. It was not about sex it was about knowledge. Mostly I appreciate this talk and her glmpse into the devolution of the meaning of physical connection.

[@hmac6086]

This is the first TED talk I’ve ever seen that was really terrible.

[@maasbekooy901]

How so?

[@sahilbhatti7944]

I think she is one of those rainbow kids.

[@shanuv12]

@@sahilbhatti7944 😂😂😂

[@Snips.tano89]

@@sahilbhatti7944 bruh I'm dying omg😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@joshmcnulty5950]

“It’s the norm for a rainbow party” ....ummm no!?? I’d never heard of it before and I’m 21 in my prime at uni

[@SoulStar47]

Listen, this woman is taking about 13 year olds. Things change. She works with these children, talks to them.

[@kaylithorsen7017]

Aliceson Soto I’m 13 and again, I’ve never heard of and have never met anyone who’s been to a rainbow party. They don’t exist

[@kaylithorsen7017]

Yanna O no I can’t, but the fact that I’ve never heard of one or known anyone who’s heard of one proves it’s not “the norm” like she says it is. If it was really so popular and common for girls my age, I think I would’ve heard of it

[@lancerd4934]

@@SoulStar47 Rainbow parties were a moral panic when I was in high school 20 years ago. It's not a new concept.

[@junipersages]

Trying to make it through this Ted talk, but in the first five minutes she seemed to rely on a lot of historical cultural stereotypes and advocate use of corporal punishment when actual research flies in the face of using that technique in parenting (despite the fact that it is still quite prevalent in the US and other parts of the West). Going to try to finish but so far this talk isn't going so well. "Lack of respect for elders" does not explain the hookup culture.

[@BratBustersParenting]

I can't watch it all either as cringe watching myself. That was my first ever "speech". Much easier doing interactive presentations. Skip to the end, there's a funny story about me talking to my kids about sex.

[@Suzanne4415]

+Bratbusters Parenting, FWIW I think you're an excellent and funny speaker. That's why I was so put off when the content went in a direction I didn't expect and don't agree with at all. I feel bad for being SO negative now, but understand that your ideas here really are offensive to some of us. It comes across as if you're judging the kids, more than being supportive. I think a lot of parents will come away encouraged to judge or distance themselves from their "crazy kids", more than empathize. I say kids but I'm talking about the girls, really. The way you described it here, it sounds like these boys are acting horribly entitled. I'll judge them for that crap. But you don't really adress this very gendered difference in what the "kids" are doing. That makes it unclear what you're shocked/concerned about - casualness about sex? Or this whole thing with treating one gender like their mouths should be at your disposal whenever you've been nice to them? You can dislike both but those are really different actions with different effects on other people's lives. And I so don't believe with causal connections you make with less authoritarian parenting styles, mothers working etc. All of that makes it harder for me to appreciate the humour and the good common sense stuff you also said.

[@jsinkcreations]

Gazmendi Noli cop go xfgbjzl o v xub yhhb m all movies yeah entertainingb n m w u9

[@XMissManoloX]

and also the "i feel sorry for men who look at young girls" comment.... that really needed to be more thought through. sounded way too apologetic for the sexualisation of young women. I'm sure that's not what she directly meant but it made me feel very uncomfortable.

[@egregius9314]

"Kids really respected parents back then" rubs me all the wrong ways. Kids FEARED parents back then, that's not the same!

[@michellehessheimer5060]

This is perhaps the worst TED talk I've ever watched.

[@wilhelm.reeves]

XD

[@celinehosea507]

Why?

[@TheNaruto2314]

Personal opinion seems to get in the way of facts. Misleading conclusions based offen the opinion as well.

[@FirstLast-fr4hb]

watch more, there are far worse 😂

[@amberslahlize7961]

I've seen much, much, MUCH worse.

[@twistedbabyrose]

I am so incredibly disappointed. I listened to that whole thing hoping it got better or got to a point, and it just... Didn't.

[@imashokU]

Never thought I’d say this, but the KZbin comments section here is giving me faith in humanity again. I’m so glad people can think for themselves. So much wrong with this presentation.

[@AR-kh6rr]

I like partying because my mom had a job and didn’t beat me!! Makes total sense

[@ElianaTheReader]

I clicked on this because I think that there are some really valid critiques of hookup culture and I wanted to hear an insightful talk about it, which is what TED usually is. But seriously? She blames it on women who don't stay home with their children, even though there has never been a time in US history when the majority of families were two-parent nuclear families with the woman staying at home while the man works. She also forgets that by nature of seeking help from a "parenting coach," her clients are not a representative sample of the population. None of this is at all valid social science, and none of it reflects my experience as a young person.

[@Rellikan]

Yes. TED talks usually aren't valid social science. TED talks are just talks, usually. Her point was that children don't connect with their parents anymore. She wasn't blaming anyone.

[@milangaur2778]

I suggest you to watch it again with free mind not with a made up mind

[@toeachitsown2050]

I dont understand her

[@Sonicboom238]

The nuclear family existed for a long time, hello? Two parents working is a relatively new concept.

[@mariobaldwin8041]

They don't watch their kids like they should because their too busy blowing cocks themselves.

[@humanyoda]

If you offer cookie baking instead of an answer to a question your kid is asking you, the kid will get an answer somewhere else. This lady is part of the problem.

[@BratBustersParenting]

How am I part of the problem?

[@timdunk7278]

Bratbuster don't waste your time on this one. Some folks spend their time making statements that may appear as knowledgeable, while they are simply misguiding and missing the point. Your point about the awkwardness of talking to our youth about sex is clearly stated, just as clearly as how HUMANYoda is an phony.

[@BratBustersParenting]

Thanks Tim but my intuition says that humanyoda is young and has problems with his parents which is why I was trying to get him to open up. Just went into coaching mode :).

[@madelyntoday7093]

So he's going to get an answer about whether or not his mom pulls a divinyl from some stranger on the street? I think she gave her children an appropriate amount of information. She answered their questions (except for one) and told them that its normal to touch it but not to let other people touch it. I'm sure she's comfortable answering most questions but sensibly doesn't answer personal questions.

[@YoginiMami]

she mentioned a response should be "age appropriate", meaning the response will only be "lets make cookies" if the child is still too young to comprehend. when the child reaches a particular age, then her response will be different...i think she did a great job

[@maddiefield382]

I went to a highschool where we were taught abstinence only sex ed. We weren't even taught about forms of birth control, or anatomy, or anything. Litterally, "just don't have sex." My parents never really talked about it either, I learned everything from the internet, not porn, but like articles and stuff, and riding the bus. I was luckier than most though, even though I lost my virginity young, at 16, I protected myself and had been with the guy for a year before. He's the only partner I've had and we're still together. However, several girls at my school had gotten knocked up, lots of them didn't even understand how fertilization and pregnancy worked because our sex ed was so bad. You can preach abstinence all you want to, but teens are going to have sex regardless. Teach them about sex and what's what, how stuff works, etc. Tell them abstinence is best, but that way, at least they know how to protect themselves.

[@FirstLast-fr4hb]

Thank you free information age for promoting responsible informed activity.

[@Rellikan]

Very lucky, most women don't find the love of their life the first time. It's quite tragic. Parents should be talking to their child about it. Who else can a child trust more?

[@AlexisMaria]

same.

[@sidney4022]

Did your school teach about the dangers of STDs?

[@FinalMythology]

I never seen girls getting knocked up before, I always assumed they were dull, where the heck is this at

[@Malu5193]

I raised in the 80's and since I was born my mom worked. She was a present mom although that, and her job never decreased her autority. This speach is completely personal and based in own experiences.

[@WomenofHighValue]

Malu Carvalho I highly recommend listening to coaches however. They have tons of research/case studies from a variety of people - and what they teach come from stories of people experiencing very often extreme things - but it could be where people are heading unless their course is corrected.

[@Casmira.Draconid]

Ah, yes. The classic "Improvement of society by dragging undereducated and inexperienced kids who trusted you with their personal lives" tactic. Such wise. Very reason. Wow.

[@abigailescobar1001]

Hehe all by the name of science. I would be dissapointed if my "coach" talk openly on a personal secret type experience of mine.

[@seymour_videos]

I'm curious. Who did she drag?

[@letsRegulateSociopaths]

I think she wants to be hit with a belt again...

[@linavollrath7522]

Never letting that woman anywhere near my future kids.

[@Seththeprince]

same

[@LilyOfTheTower]

Is it because shes Canadian? Kidding. But I am genuinely curious to hear your thoughts on what you dont like what shes saying.

[@FirstLast-fr4hb]

dont worry, she'll only teach them to bake cookies

[@mairedaly4548]

I think she's pretty good actually. I've 25 years working with kids, and this was an honest warm and informative talk. Different coaches and therapists have different styles.

[@amberslahlize7961]

You probably don't even live near her...so relax future mama. Paranoia is bad for kids and will rub off on them.

[@lets.get.intoit.]

Blaming everything on women becoming independent. Smh

[@mundoinvisivelxd1936]

shut up ..this has nothing to do with independency ..it has to do with time they spend with kids ..also with loliness that kids went .

[@lets.get.intoit.]

shut up ..this has nothing to do with time they spend with kids

[@Hud19]

Yeah, I stopped watching halfway, because I could see the rhetoric forming. Shame on you TEDtalks

[@lets.get.intoit.]

Same. And I agree, I expected more from TEDTalks

[@Hud19]

Why are women accused of child abandonment when pursuing their career, while men are celebrated and applauded for doing the same thing?!?

[@danielknapper4193]

Damn this lady should not be speaking on this topic.

[@BratBustersParenting]

Too late, already did. :)

[@xx1983xx]

You must not have kids, or know any young adults.

[@anastasiabananastasia]

BratBusters Parenting I really find ur name so interesting a tell.

[@tfny100]

Why not? Lol

[@jade5615]

BratBusters Parenting I thought your talk was excellent and found myself nodding along in agreement throughout the entirety of it. Love how you respond to the haters too! 🙌🏼

[@parad0rn]

the classic "violent video games" argument

[@svenjaaunes2507]

sees one in a million case: "this is the norm"

[@djkoenig4716]

Really poor TED talk. To much malarkey.

[@arrakisdweller3438]

Perhaps I'm not the only man who felt being unfairly categorized when she brought up shaving. I started shaving from neck to toes about 10 years ago, at the age of 20... and it had nothing to do with porn, my sexuality or even aesthetics for that matter. I got the idea when I compared experiences with women, asking them questions like "how would it feel to you, if you had as much hair as the average guy does?". Long story short... once I tried shaving, I found it awesome that I could regulate heat better in the summer, dry faster after a shower, feel more comfortable and less electric in my clothing and have an easier time using skin care products. Because it's not an aesthetic, or porn related decision, I also don't have any trouble accepting that not everyone shaves. So please, don't assume that people always have the same reasons as others do for changing things about themselves or their lives. It's not necessarily a "direct result of pornography", there's lots of other ways a man could find out about shaving.

[@KD-xf6kf]

+Arrakis Dweller I completely agree as a woman as well. I wish there was a permanent solution for body hair removal (laser hair treatment really isn't). I hate that women think that those who shave are due to pornography or wanting to look prepubescent. It's really just about comfort.

[@d.e.b.b5788]

Oh Jesus Christ. It's about oral sex. Nobody wants hair in their teeth. There. I wrote it.

[@Suzanne4415]

I think the point is most 14-year-olds don't have these experiences that led them to one choice or another, but they're under all this pressure to look this way. I have never seen exactly why we absolutely need to force kids to get naked in front of each other once a week for ten years. 95% of the worst bullying stories and junior high traumas are from locker rooms. It wouldn't solve the problem obviously but why not let them have some minimal privacy.

[@chikaka2012]

I think people in their 40s and 50s were much more sexually free than people in their 20s and 30s today. But we weren't as influenced by pornography. I wonder if younger people have less sex bc of porn. Real sex can't compete with it. Guys probably feel disappointed with the real girls they are with and girls probably get tired of being expected to do uncomfortable things to get or keep a guy's interest

[@ParallaxView111]

Kathy B boys and men are defiantly getting screwed up www.webmd.com/sex/news/20170512/study-sees-link-between-porn-and-sexual-dysfunction Pornography almost ruined my marriage.

[@snugglebuns6193]

I've been watching a lot of TED talks over the past couple of weeks, this is the first bad one I've seen.

[@manylittlefish693]

Same. I absolutely agree with you.

[@treatmereallyniceys8616]

Karen please don’t give a ted talk again

[@honeybee8989]

If you can't handle her speech, why don't you go bake some cookies instead? 🤷‍♀️😉

[@petehuskins]

All the way through you tell us that lack of communication between parents and their children about the subject of sex is a big problem. You even joke about the prudishness of your parents and grandparents generation when it came to talking about sex. You brought up the subject of the availability of porn, how most kids have access to it 24/7 on their mobile devices. And still parents are too embarresed to discuss it 100+ years after the "Victorian "era. Even you, a specialist in the field changed the subject when quizzed by your son. What hope is there?

[@MarcillaSmith]

None, Peter. There is no hope. There is no hope at all

[@BratBustersParenting]

Believe me, once the cookies were baked we started talking ... all the way through the teen years. Nothing was left unsaid and now that my kids are adults they say they'll do the same with their kids. Open communication is so important.

[@angelfly168]

She couldn't repeat some of the other ones because it is too embarrassing?? O.o What exactly does she do for a living again?

[@SenhorAlien]

Talks to teenagers about their personal lives and things they do, I suppose.

[@lucyisconfused9788]

I'm now fourteen years old but my parents taught me about sex when I was eight. I can't really relate to most of what you said in this talk but that's probably a "good girl" who does her homework, gets As and Bs, has about three friends in total and the wildest parties I go to are when someone accidentally fizzes pink lemonade everywhere. However, there are some people in my year that drink vodka and smoke weed and give blowjobs at parties. That shit is the main reason I deleted snapchat. How can you expect to solve this problem if when your child asks about sex you don't answer? They're obviously just going to find another means of answering their question. Sorry this comment is so long...

[@BratBustersParenting]

Believe me, I answered, just not in that moment as it took me off guard. My kids talked to me about sex right through their teen years, even though I didn't always want to hear it. We also had a lot of laughs over how awkward some of our conversations were. They're adults now and say they'll do the same with their kids as want them to be able to talk to them about anything and everything. I'm glad you can't relate to what I talked about as it's the minority who are involved in the hookup culture, but it's definitely out there.

[@thegraymouser12]

No need to apologize! As a parent of children inching ever closer to teenage years hearing the feedback you've given under your specific circumstances (which is far closer to what my children will probably experience compared to my own experience) is important and may help influence parents watching this. I commend you for sharing!

[@TheMormonSorceress]

I remember when my mother gave me the talk, and I was disgusted, but later as I got older accept that it's natural. She also told me afterwards that it is meant for your future husband only. And so I saved my self till I tied the knot with my sweet, odd, and funny friend. And let me tell you, It was worth it. It brought me closer to my sweetheart and I began to understand why it was only meant for marriage. So please, what till you find you're significant other

[@fogpimp]

Tedx really lets anybody speak

[@briannamartocchio5274]

I scrolled past all the unnecessary paragraphs for this comment

[@neeborken]

This is post modern nonsense with no account of the economic/technological changes. This is all the opinion of one person with no reasonable consideration of the environment we live in.

[@Matoaka01]

But i think she does have a point. If parents dont do it then kids will learn from other sources, which might not be very reliable. I dont think she is anti technology, just pro responsible parenting.

[@mundoinvisivelxd1936]

this have everything to do with her said ..you are just a young idiot .that hates when people censure your activities.

[@FirstLast-fr4hb]

It wasnt a speach on technology -_-

[@lisab9541]

As a former high school educator and a stepmom and aunt, and student of sociology, she is right on about all of this. 10 years or more ago we were finding kids sneaking into school bathrooms for oral sex, it was considered the "new" good night kiss. That was before they had camera and smart phones.

[@catm5650]

respect is different from fear children feared adults

[@FirstLast-fr4hb]

true

[@SenhorAlien]

Fear is a complement to respect. If they are not afraid of any consequences, why should they not do it in the first place? The laws are rules, and the police is there to instill fear and punishment on those who don't obey the rules. Though I said that, I assume you have the intellectual capability to understand that I do not think parenting is all about beating the children to understanding, but knowing when to give appropriate punishment, including physical punishment if it is the most effective for the occasion, and also love and compliments when deserved.

[@shaunwhelan17]

@Matthew Morycinski "privileged"? I don't think my parents did this because they were "privileged." I grew up poor in Detroit, seven of us in a 2 bedroom place. So please, stop throwing that word privilege around to describe things, knowing full well it's a buzz word.

[@carterinhamm6661]

Wow, what even was this talk? I'm disappointed in TEDx, really.

[@sampeacaml9307]

What you called ''respect'', Miss Bunnage, in the 60s, did not sound like respect to me, it sounded like fear. Still, I agree with you, somewhat. Authority and consistency is important as a parent. All is about balance.

[@frappalina]

unbelievable that the audience laughs. what is to laugh at a troubled 16 y.o.

[@thumbprint7150]

This is what disturbed me; she was playing for cheap laughs and she got them - at the expense of a young person.

[@scottmcdonald6201]

I found that story sickening and I hope it's not true. However, the sheer ridiculousness of it does at least tempt one to laugh (if only to keep from crying).

[@ralegade7710]

It's funny when it's not your kid

[@KevsGuide]

Very true. Like everything in life basically. Very true

[@quendelf]

Here's an idea. Compulsory sex ed classes where parents HAVE TO ATTEND TOO. One day at school, provided by an outside source. This would solve all of the issues in one. It would break the awkward ice, mean parents and kids could talk afterwards, and allow questions to be asked and answered.

[@FirstLast-fr4hb]

Thats a very awkward idea, it would certainly open a lot of social barriers, it could do a lot of good,parents are already considered "outsiders" in general, along with older people, thanks to spending 6 hours a day half the year with people born within a year of them, creating this bad habit of social isolation among most of the population.

[@astromastro6026]

Whenever you hear "true story" it means that it's true.

[@BratBustersParenting]

lol

[@alexiogomes955]

This is the type of nightmare mom that shows up in my dreams.

[@naraendrareddy273]

She's a good responsible mum.

[@zktaylor]

She has a lot of statements that require proof, are only backed by anecdotal evidence, and come across as just nostalgia for a different time. I have a very different experience than her as did my parents. This talk needs statistics and research to back it up. It just comes across as alarmist and frankly out of touch

[@oriadaislami4152]

I'm so happy to hear her speak about a topic that really needs to be considered and taken very seriously with our generation today

[@RonaldRaiden]

Needs?

[@darleynyz6744]

5 years later, the hookup culture is still going on and is worser

[@amyjotorbett]

new title: further demonizing the Internet for all of the oldies who already hate our generation

[@littleleakyleakythere]

I was skeptical from when she advocated for corporal punishment, but it got worse when she talked about "violent" video games and I completely shut down when she said "I feel sorry for men who are looking at these girls". That's unacceptable, and I don't think I'm going to be able to make it through the end of this one.

[@drizzle452]

And my parents who grew up in the 50’s and 60’s actually said they weren’t supervised as much. They could leave in the morning with friends and periodically come back throughout the day with doors left unlocked if at all, trusting everyone in the neighborhood/town was watching. There was also a lot of naive trust back then too. If my parents really believed in their upbringing, they would have modeled their parenting style the same way-but they didn’t and I saw their flaws first hand

[@nodecafplz]

You can't talk about the reality because it's too embarrassing? If you can't, who can? The reality might be harsh but that's all more the reason you MUST discuss it.

[@BratBustersParenting]

It was awkward at first but I got over it and throughout those important teen years we talked about absolutely everything. So important to have open communication with your kids.

[@MrNamenamenamename]

I think the problem/message here is not letting children become involved in sexual acts and practices when they're too young and that porn definitely influences some childrens sexual development (it did mine), and as for corporal punishment she ends with wanting to talk to kids, corporal punishment has nothing to do with her argument except that it was the norm for when she was a kid

[@rdkuless]

Those kids didn't respect those adults (after being swatted) they feared them and they feared what would happen when they got home. The 1960's was a fear based society.

[@BratBustersParenting]

I'm a product of the 60's and certainly never feared my parents, but sure respected them.

[@katlyntrowell]

Some parents didn't know when to stop

[@underhear_1544]

This is pretty skewed and weird, this lady’s like an SNL character

[@genesisdeters1886]

Thank you for bringing this topic to the table. In this age us young adults sometimes feel so independent and empowered that we may forget to honor our parents, while also honoring ourselves. We should be taking care of our bodies and thus treating them with respect. No it’s not all of our parents fault for going to work, it is up to us, the younger generation to take responsibility for our actions.

[@herahagstoz6934]

Just was watching a documentary by Michael Moore regarding better practices of other first world countries. One of the the more eye opening ideas was in France where sex education includes how to love your partner as well as yourself as an integral part of how to approach sex. There is no denial about the sexual urge in teenager's lives. In fact it is accepted and then the subject is expanded to include better sex practices, such as how to have quality sex. This woman is clearly ashamed and uncomfortable about sex. She should not be working with children around this subject. Her discomfort will be projected onto kids she works with. She says she can't deal with it. She even says the topic makes her uncomfortable... Maybe she should be dealing with this instead of attempting to counsel others. I disagree with almost everything she says. I wish I could speak to her regarding this talk. There are just so many things off about it.

[@jb846]

A mix of oversimplification, mysogeny, and an astounding lack of self-awareness. If you don't find sex "icky" then save yourself the watch.

[@thedudette15]

Is it possible that people shave out of comfort and not because OTHER PEOPLE do it?

[@Amy-wh9dz]

Yes it's possible. But I truly don't think that's the norm.

[@chikaka2012]

Jake Dean Yeah, we shaved back in the 80s, but not the whole thing. And guys didn't do it, but some definitely should have

[@SebastianTheGreat]

“Rainbow Party” sounds like something a news organization would see somewhere online and drum up a 5 minute segment about how it’s ruining our kids, but actually doesn’t exist

[@gwenrees7594]

Personally I found this talk weak and unconvincing.

[@davidpetersen1]

You are being polite. It is atrociously vapid.

[@thetruthk5138]

Apart from that is was ok ha ha

[@FtonDavid]

15:51 "You don't discuss your sex life." ... "It's not appropriate." --> Seems weird to me, but okay.

[@msjkramey]

K. David Woolley yeah, and she talked about being "age appropriate," too. as if there's no way to do that *when you're a small kid* Don't let anyone touch your bathing suit area or kiss you like a mommy and daddy do to each other. But kissing isn't bad. You just have to wait. *when you're older* yeah, we have sex, and that's all the details you need to know other than that it is amount that we agree is healthy, and it's about consent, compatibility, and respect. look at that! not being explicit, but also being a role model!

[@simplyaireeyell1731]

3:17 Huh… I think she mistook respect for fear.

[@simplyaireeyell1731]

4:15 So what she's saying is abuse = discipline = power? Which is the same thing as abuse = power… right… okay.

[@SortOfEggish]

How is this lady's reputation not crushed by this abysmal "lesson"? This should have been covered as a monumental failure in every sex, parenting and "millenial" blog and magazine the second it was published. Terrible use of non-science.

[@You_work_tomorrow]

Rainbow party, a norm, I am literally laughing right now with my brother. You are an old lady who has been successfully trolled haha.

[@laurenli4314]

What is a rainbow party?

[@emanuellelemos5361]

I don't think kids losing respect for their parents really has anything to do with mother's getting back to work. Respect is something you earn.

[@arianacordova5567]

If a kid seemed disciplined after getting a "whack on the butt with a rolling pin" then it wasn't out of respect. It was out of fear. And fear between a parent and child is not a healthy relationship

[@SenhorAlien]

Uh... sure. Whatever you think, buddy.

[@rosevincent214]

Just for arguments sake... what do you suggest exactly?

[@koolmckool7039]

I may just not be part of this norm here, but my dad spanked me and I always wanted to do things with him.

[@kwaal]

Actually, studies have shown that the average person today has fewer sexual partners than they did a few decades ago. It's just that this activity is a lot more visible due to technology - If sexting was a thing in the 70s, believe me they'd have done it.

[@mindhunter8772]

That's not true. What's your Source?

[@bellatucc2530]

*uses a photo of a 25 year old* this is what 12 year olds look like

[@neonmatcha9739]

They didn’t lose respect; there was no respect to lose, what they lost was their control.

[@AnnaCatherineB]

3:18 it's not called respect. its called fear. Violence doesn't ever engender respect.

[@The_Skrongler]

I have found that it is at least as useful as discipline to be emotionally close to your offspring. Even if you're trying to be there all the time watching their every move if they don't care what you think beyond what you do to them for stepping out of line they will act out whenever possible.If you only care about the "respect" that comes from fear they won't trust you, they'll turn else wear for guidance and follow those instructions whenever you aren't looking. Make it an actual relationship, have real conversations about what you need them to do to stay safe and about what they need from you in terms of independence and other emotional needs. No, don't be a pushover, make it clear that your trust must not be abused and that they have to respect you to be respected back _but do respect them back._