STOP Doing THIS! It’s Ruining Your Sex Life! | Alain De Botton

[@TheDiaryOfACEOClips]

Check out the full episode here ➡kzbin.info/www/bejne/pXqac6t4g9Vkq6c

[@ChocolateJewels]

"stored anger that neither party knows it's there; anger stored from micro-incidents of disappointments" - yes, yes, and yes.

[@aileenokeeffe88]

What me and my partner do is go out on a walk and complain about things. Airs out any problems and being outside helps us both relax. It's not like we have massive arguments but if we regularly get out of the house and walk in nature it's a safe place to mention for example that the other persons snoring is driving them mental at night or that I don't clean up after myself enough. We try to get better and not make mistakes but what we can't control we walk it off 😅

[@randomnobodovsky3692]

Great idea.

[@invisiblespirit5476]

There’s actually research that shows walking in the same direction initiates a sense of partnership and teamwork. It’s very effective. :)

[@helenalin1493]

Wow this actually sounds like a great tip… thanx for sharing!

[@Ashley-g5d3y]

I love listening to this. Listening to him talk about the mind and the body as being separate helps me understand he may follow dualism but I like that he acknowledges anger as an important drive for sex.

[@ashleysoudah]

asking your partner how have you annoyed or upset them is good relationship advice in general.

[@L.Drizzle]

​@lonewanderer_n7 Yeah, but it's great advice for those instances too, because then you can break up with them as early as possible and move on to a happier life.

[@nestorrfortuna1]

Did you dated my exwife?​@@lonewanderer_n7

[@AUDIS3ROB]

What’s wrong? NOTHING, I’m fine 😡

[@God_Knows_Who]

thanks, i dont have to watch now😊

[@whatisahandle221]

PS I also like the advice columnist, Carolyn Hax, for her different but subtly helpful viewpoints on boundaries between two adults, marriage vs in-laws vs personal issues, etc. Eg Carolyn Hax / Tell Me About It: Set boundaries; no more rescues JAN. 12, 2009… ANSWER: To the mother: “I understand your distress, but I am not the one you need to talk to about this, as I am not making these decisions. He is.” Repeat as needed. The mother is wrong to dump her anger on you, but you are wrong to receive it. It is not your job. To the boyfriend: “Your family is your business. I will no longer be involved in making plans with them; I’m happy to come along, but whether you see them, and what you tell them, are up to you.” You will also stop lobbying him to see his family. You are not his secretary, nor are you his family’s agent. … www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2022/07/15/carolyn-hax-wife-insists-husband-wear-shirt/ : So your decision isn’t shirt or no shirt. It’s which principle do you want to serve: personal autonomy or marital harmony? Your call, not mine. Though I recommend all spouses choose the latter until their integrity won’t allow it and they have to embrace the former. … Boundaries - www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2022/07/08/live-chat-carolyn-hax/?no_nav=true#link-af548f9bce9748f6afb8b930e7866c11 (Unfortunately, Hax’s column stopped being syndicated and went behind the Wash Post paywall several years ago.)

[@donderbos88]

It’s the School of Life voice!

[@lavatr8322]

His way of describing intimate emotions, and teasing in relationship is just phenomenal... Also as a non native English speaker, listening to His vocabulary I felt wonderful

[@agenericboringhomosapien8108]

right

[@joshweatherly8715]

Good conversation.. didnt really address the question of how to reignite intimacy after too much familiarity

[@Kittyququmber]

And too much resentment. How to get over it. Not just that “he used the word Really with too much emphasis on the y”. What about all the transgressions and or discourse, lack of support just to name a few.

[@donalclarke]

The suggestion in the first 3 minutes is so good and might have saved my marriage had i known it!

[@magusto627]

Resume: communicate your frustration with your partner

[@EMuro-wu7uy]

Also sometimes someone feels rejected, and too many rejections can make someone feel unlovable. Unlovable is Unsexy, the other person doesn't see it that way so those micro problems become huge issues. But some things can cause lower sex drives. But sex and live changes over the years.

[@rodterrell304]

This is why the bible says “ do not let the sun go down on your anger” .

[@peacefulheart1431]

After 2 sessions, I understand my reaction to my husband's advances. I will try to correct them😊

[@dimitar297]

You are in a gay relationship.

[@kodeh7931]

Good for you

[@americanexpat8792]

Alain is great and one of the most pragmatic people I know in this space.

[@zenceLde]

Awesome Clip which gave me a never heard, yet necessary perspective.

[@fqlynx]

Very interesting insights. Makes sense.

[@mehranashkanian2747]

Very interesting. Must watch it again carefully 👍

[@th7297]

I think he seriously has got a point

[@LinnLinnok-fe5tq]

Thank you for bringing on intelligent guests who have reasonable and rational things to say on the topic of sex in relationships. Too many (mostly men) automatically blame women and/or push “pickup” style advice which only perpetuates the problem.

[@kevintse2870]

I’ve been around pickup artists for decades. When it comes to long term relationships, they fare MUCH worse than the general populace. The only people I know who seems to have sustained a long term marriage are Paul Janka (very surprisingly) and MAYBE Socrates. For the most part pickup guys have relationships that end horribly and then they cope by saying the girl was about to hit the wall.

[@jackdeniston59]

So what do you do to take responsibility for your mess? Not a damn thing right.

[@jamesharper8373]

Gonna take a wild guess that you're a woman

[@LinnLinnok-fe5tq]

@jackdeniston59 you’re projecting your own mess onto a stranger on the internet.

[@alaalfa8839]

Some female sexologists said maybe 10 or more years ago on Czech TV, the couple holding hands is also a sex. which means that nonsexual gestures are sex too. probably it's because you care about the person, exploring the city and walking hand in hand. not just because you want to have sex. This guy reminded that it's about vulnerability and intimacy. The videos that just give random advice are probably not driven by a desire to love someone, cherish someone, respect someone and caring for their well-being.

[@lindabarrow4480]

Around 8.40minutes … familiarity… Esther Perel talks about this too, the difference between desire and love … so interesting… Thankyou

[@sjbechet1111]

Jarvis Cocker - "There's nothing sadder than a hotel room that hasn't been fucked in".

[@simonverrill]

I hope this isn’t an ignorant comment, but is the voice from the School of life?

[@florarocha5842]

Yep, this is the guy from the School of Life.

[@simonverrill]

@@florarocha5842 thank you!

[@THETURKISHKEBAB1]

I thought this. Very distinct voice

[@isaacopoku8294]

I asked myself the same thing 😂

[@samphelps856]

Not just the voice, but the head of it all

[@petesfeeder]

Something to ponder I believe is like familial love building a love language so does sexual experience build your relationship with sex. This can make things very troubling.

[@susmateja]

Good point!

[@kodeh7931]

I have no idea what you just said.

[@petesfeeder]

@@kodeh7931 do you have a question?

[@downbntout]

How did all this match the thumbnail?

[@RyanCarvalho]

Does he sound oddly similar to James Hoffman (the coffee gent) or is it just me ? 🙂

[@1412mariLU]

I know what you mean, but Jameses voice is sits further back in the throat and makes it sound more voluminous, whereas Alains voice sounds more flat. Also James uses his lips a lot more to pronounce things, which gives him a very distinct sound. But they do have very similar accents and language melody.

[@RyanCarvalho]

@@1412mariLU that , is a brilliant analysis & comparison of both their voices 😊! I’d have never noticed any of this, until you mentioned it

[@Gregski3]

Thats him from the future😂

[@professoroflogic8788]

If you equate sex with love, you're bound to be disappointed. People who live together eventually get tired of each other. If either party is dealing with unresolved trauma or addiction it also contributes to getting tired of the other person. If you both let yourselves go physically, that also contributes to getting tired of each other. There isn't a quick fix for this.

[@gabriellewhalley1328]

Yeah you have to flirt with others for oxygen

[@ColonelMuppet]

You need to tease that out further. It is entirely women’s fault! Whereas men become more adventurous as they become more sexually accomplished in a relationship, women go the other way, they become more secure and less adventurous. The data shows this huge difference. This “honeymoon” period is a joke - it is merely FEMALE desire going back to normal again after a period of intensity in the early stages of a relationship. The man will keep up his own level of sexual interest to the same intensity as the honeymoon stage. Women just aren’t sexually driven. The work has been done. See Baumeister, Cantanese and Vohs 2001 Strength Of Sex Drive by Gender. De Botton’s psychological approach is worthless vs biology.

[@sussybaka8605]

is there any fix? Everything just leads to monogamy being flawed and pointless

[@Sometimesiwanttoread]

@@sussybaka8605it’s flawed in the eyes of men. Maybe change your prospective

[@elliotmeek3375]

Great advice here

[@kopsie6379]

So many good tidbits in this segment. ❤

[@jccuchvjvj]

Do not sleep together and sleep 8 hours.

[@LarryPanozzo]

Where do you sleep? In different beds or different rooms?

[@cherylscott7109]

Thanks

[@cesarsales22]

Raining upwards is easier than women taking responsability

[@LarderTime]

MISLEADING TITLE annoying trick 😡 This video talks about some things one SHOULD do to HELP sex life.

[@Szaam]

Joke's on you, Alain I haven't got a sex life.

[@cupcaceandchocko]

Maybe resolve your own anger without releasing it on your partner?

[@karasmusic123]

Many lack the techniques and processes to do so. I like to go out into the yard and yell at the sky (away from people so as not to trigger anyone's nervous system), pray, or punch a pillow and vent to friends. Some don't self-soothe because, in the moment, they don't even realize the option exists. Some have never been taught how to self-soothe at all, and just assume it happens by not having been coddled and having had your parent teach you to stuff your feelings down, which doesn't calm them down fully or fully allow you to process by being present with them, and, instead, turns you into a ticking time bomb. Some people haven't been taught about the importance of taking a pause during an argument so that the emotional part of your brain has time to calm down and the logical part of your brain has time to come back online. All of this comes down to emotional immaturity that has to be grown out of. Emotional intelligence has to be learned. Some don't take any steps toward it because they fail to see the benefits and some just think feelings are the devil and refuse to think about them, which, ironically, allows feelings to blindside them when they aren't expecting it.

[@TonyJacques-c1b]

Dont be so daft make a cuppa tea sit down every day and have a chat about anything have a laugh at life

[@Inprogress_of_newbeginings]

Not doing rhis, killed my relationship

[@Andy-mr8te]

Thanks for clarifying this. Up until this point I thought it was my wife that was ruining my sex life.

[@TotalOneEighty]

😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@angelaramsay1778]

not 'our sex life' ? does she owe you 'your sex life' ?

[@Andy-mr8te]

@@angelaramsay1778 It was a joke.

[@etherspin]

​@@angelaramsay1778if they have a monogamous commitment then that's the setup quite literally

[@fivebooks8498]

@@angelaramsay1778 Yes she does. Not only should she be doing it. She should be wanting it and liking it. If she’s not gonna hold up her end of the marriage then she shouldn’t get married. Stay single and live with your cats. No man needs to take care of a woman who is not interested in him.

[@idontleavelikesileavecomme655]

Someone is cheating about sex 10 times a year

[@rich11a15]

Too much overthinking!

[@chesolder871]

Porn is the problem

[@ardidsonriente2223]

In most cases, porn is just a symptom.

[@gabrielcaleb9277]

A problem...rather than the problem...?

[@kinnikuzero]

​@@ardidsonriente2223addiction in general is a way of coping to a missing part of one's self

[@kinnikuzero]

@@kc6810 I totally agree with you, but we also must try to fulfil our children's needs so that it's unlikely for them to develop such habits. It's usually a function of a few environmental conditions such as neglect, trauma and loneliness that facilitate addiction.

[@georgelampropoulos1704]

A big problem, but not the only problem. Sexless marriages are not a recent thing.

[@rodterrell304]

I’m already used to not doing it anymore. I’m free

[@hortonsstuff6948]

List gets longer lol

[@vincemarshall8550]

dont think the medical intervention has helped tbh

[@deanduplessis433]

Clickbait, I've watched this 3 times and I still have no idea what I shouldn't do. No desire to go and watch the full video.

[@LarryPanozzo]

It’s about what you should do more than what you shouldn’t do. Playfulness, teasing, resolving frustrations & making sure no anger builds up

[@autonation.ke1]

👍👍

[@tiniceek7945]

what aboit porn for this issue? I think it can have a lot of impact here 😬

[@aafgahfah]

Sex is great but it is not so great that it is worth navigating the maze of women’s caprice to get it.

[@StefanKostka137]

Jokes on you, I dont have a sex life 😎

[@banzabreizdude]

I mean... Let's live alone forever, sound easier

[@chaoticprogress]

The biggest and most obvious reason sex dies in relationships is because we were only designed to lust each other for a short period. To have sex. And reproduce. There's nothing that says we should be with 1 person forever or even 10 years. We've created this, due to loyalty and jealousy and there is part of - for raising kids, that's built in, to stay together long enough etc. but, that says nothing about continuous attraction. Familiarity breeds contempt. At the beginning - the person and situation is new, surprises; new new new, fuzzy feelings, lust, love, ahhh - oop? what happened? Yeah, gone, because the endorphins getting you high and in a deluded state have now settled. Phase is done. If you want that continously - you have to reframe your idea on sex and love and relationships. You can have that, over n over. But only for a bit. Then it stops. That's the same. For everyone.

[@Jane-yg3vz]

The seven year itch is a real thing. I'm experiencing it now myself.

[@workingmanaudio2754]

I guess I’m lucky. That hasn’t changed for 20 years.

[@timothyn4699]

for the kids as they certainly grow up better and with less issues in a two parent home that is stable, and for true emotional intimacy you need someone who's going to stick around. You can't really trust or open up to someone if you feel like you'll never see them again, or if they can abandon you at a moment's notice. In having someone who's willing to stick through it in the good and bad, enables opportunity for people to find healing and to really be seen, yet still accepted, making them stronger and better people. but a loose sexual and promiscuous culture breeds unloyalty, cheating, and inability for ppl to have that safe space for growth and acceptance, and single parent broken homes

[@jacobciverson]

This resonates with me but on the other hand my parents are high school sweethearts and been together for 40+ years they still laugh and have fun…so I don’t know what to think anymore… long time lover at heart but the iPhone came out when I was in 7th grade 😩

[@Titere05]

I don't know man I've been with my wife for 10 years and we still have sex almost daily, and enjoy it. No, I don't feel swept off my feet when I look at her, but whoever said that should last? Let's apply the same concept to cities. When I was a teenager and I "explored" a new part of the city, I felt trepidation and a fuzzy feeling too. It was like an adventure. That magic is now gone, but I still live here and like it. I don't need to move cities every 6 moths because I don't feel like I'm in an adventure anymore. That's just crazy. I think people expect surreal things and thus miss the goodness that is already there

[@javiazar]

The sex is easier at the beginning because people tend to get fat and unattractive as they age. Show me a fit couple with a sexless marriage.

[@Gnomesmusher]

I know one. They've been married for 25 years together for 35. The woman is very fit and attractive. The husband from what I can tell is reasonable attractive and fit. Better looking and healthier than most guys his age. But anyway, they don't have sex because the husband for whatever reason has no sex drive. So the wife has been out there on dating apps for over a decade having casual sex with multiple men. And the husband still hasn't a clue.

[@LarryPanozzo]

🥲

[@fivebooks8498]

Anger??? Yeah well who is the one always angry? Who is the one never wanting sex. Always the woman. I can tell you this. Anger isn’t the problem.

[@jimschlosser1621]

Lol yikes. Sounds like you need to do some self reflection.

[@fivebooks8498]

@@jimschlosser1621 I’m not the one angry. Sounds like the one angry all the time needs the self reflection.

[@JanBetonnetje1]

You're the problem mate.

[@fivebooks8498]

@@JanBetonnetje1 What did I say that could possibly make you think I’m a problem. I don’t have any problem at all with my woman wanting sex.

[@DeathcoreManiac]

What sex life? 😂

[@tedkoppel13]

This is pretty much all terrible advice. Being open and clear with your partner about your frustrations and irritations before they spiral into something larger is a great idea. Going to dinner with your partner and giving them a laundry list of the things that irrationally irritate you about them in an effort to help the two of you have more sex is, point blank, insane. Nobody wants to hear that, and nobody is going to feel particularly warm towards someone who just told them that the way they say the word “really” is annoying. They’re going to feel either insecure and self-conscious (neither of which leads to sex) or they’ll lash out. I could rant about any number of other things said here, but my main takeaway is that Alain de Botton needs to go touch grass.

[@maresam3910]

I feel you so much.

[@xmchughs]

You didnt understand it

[@tedkoppel13]

​@@xmchughs I'm sorry, I'm sure I've missed nuances here or there, but there is no version of "go to dinner with your partner and take turns telling each other all the things that annoy you both about each other" that's good advice. And you want better advice? If one of your complaints about your partner is the way they say the word "really" (this is his example, mind), get over it and don't ever mention it to them. It's your problem, not theirs, and making them aware of your every dumbass thought just will leave them feeling under the microscope. Plus you're likely to hit on some sort of irrational thing they're self-conscious about and then they're going to get angry with you, and vice versa. If you're spoiling for a big stupid fight, absolutely take time out and list your grievances with your partner. If you want to be constructive, pick your battles for when it's something your partner is doing that can and should be changed in some way because otherwise your irritation will fester.

[@eyoo369]

This is only for couples that are spiritually matured and can listen to each other without judgement. This is not meant for the relationships that cling to unhealthy attachment issues or still have unresolved issues within them. There's quite some logic behind this idea. As we take turns in speaking on moments where we might've frustrated our partner. We allow the thought to come free from our brains and our nervous system. Thus having less friction for the sex to happen again. But like I said only for mature developed people

[@tedkoppel13]

@@eyoo369 On the contrary, this is specifically advice for people with unresolved issues within them, even more specifically with the unresolved issue that they aren’t having sex because of lingering unspoken resentments. If it’s meant only as advice for people who are spiritually open or whatever, well, then there isn’t a problem to resolve. You’re going good, what with regularly clearing your thoughts from your nervous system and all. But you’ll note I did say it’s a good idea to air issues you’re having with your partner sooner rather than later. And for the record, I would argue that mature, developed people by definition are people who have learned not to give voice to some of the thoughts they might have given voice to as four-year-olds, knowing through life experience that those thoughts can cause hurt and be generally unproductive.

[@helloiamthechosenone]

8th comment

[@mmachaal]

If you want to hear a lot of words where nothing is really said, watch this entire clip 👍

[@CoiutzMicutz]

u lack brain cells

[@phoenixrisin2269]

We had sex 10 times last weekend. What’s wrong with people

[@MrPhilipRoberts]

No this is too feminine. This is not the answer

[@AlbertBalbastreMorte]

What's your masculine take?

[@MrPhilipRoberts]

@@AlbertBalbastreMorte take on what he said? My take on what he said is that this will get you cheated on

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

​@@MrPhilipRobertsYour alternative take?

[@misscogito9865]

@@MrPhilipRobertswhat makes you think that?

[@MrPhilipRoberts]

@@misscogito9865 I think it’s well known that on average, women aren’t sexually attracted to effeminate traits in men

[@Johnericgadot]

Hi! May I ask a question? May I ask if Is there any chance that you`re looking for a video editor to create valuable content and make your KZbin Shorts, Instagram, and Tiktok more ENGAGING?

[@ultimobile]

uh - before the contraceptive pill around 1963 most people got married in order to have sex - and drive-ins before marriage probably involved BJs or backdoors to avoid unwanted pregnancy. Cheech and Chong said 'after 10 or 20 years she puts on 10 or 20 pounds, and sex becomes kind of disgusting'. See also the Coolidge Effect - males' sexual interest is triggered by new females, yet interest in repeated sex with the same female tends to fade - en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

But it's women who go off sex after a year of living together. Domesticity kills female libido, maybe their Bf's hygiene ain't all that great either, so sex becomes kinda disgusting......