WHEN the FEARFUL AVOIDANT BRINGS UP THE PAST...

[@sifublack192]

The trait that stood out to me was being hyper vigilant in reading other people. I do notice when I'm talking to FAs and suspected FAs that they have to a tendency to sit silently for a few seconds as if processing whether it not in your body language matches your words. Very insightful video.

[@Mr.Yang823]

It is so exhausted being me... Always reading energy and picking up on the words that are in silence. I do this in work, my kids, and everyday life.

[@joannemcclelland5271]

Ugh, me too. I’m exhausting. Plus now I’m exerting energy not not be so FA.

[@jonwilkinson3886]

Exactly. Real people can't mind read. You're endlessly on the receiving end of dirty looks & pouting trying to guess where you're falling short. Best to cut your losses & move on unless your FA is aware of thier issues and is making real progress towards healing. 😢

[@ethankeller741]

I can't express how insightful this is. My fiancée left me last month, and I've been so confused and hurt. I wish I knew this sooner. Thank you for posting this video.

[@vivy45]

That must be so painful. I'm sorry that you are going through some rough times.

[@sandynazarian1023]

You just explained me! That totally explains my whole life! I wish I had learned this years ago. Thank you for sharing! I have yet to start your courses even though I bought them a while ago.

[@user-me6un7ih3r]

I feel that all of what is explained here regarding hyper attunement, covert contracts, "expecting" needs being met without communicating them and the misunderstandings/miscommunications surrounding them is really extra difficult when autism and the neurodiverse "theory of mind" is also invovled with attachment theory / styles 😢 It's been so heartbreaking for me as AuDHD to learn that not everyone think, feel and act the same as me in any given situation. I feel it would be a good important topic to cover in a video series, neurodiversity / attachment and specifically "theory of mind" explained ❤🙏🏼

[@PushPastParalysis]

I feel seen with this video. Wow. I know you mean the extremes. It’s of course good to give to someone but when you are doing it and are depleted and not getting anything in return because you don’t express your needs, that’s when it gets bad.

[@handleName73]

Thank you for the wonderful explanation!💯It truly resonates with all FAs and their partners. I recall my FA feeling resentful for being the one to raise issues first, rather than recognizing that we were both committed to finding solutions together, which we ultimately did. Their hypervigilance seemed to overshadow our collaborative efforts and stayed on the resentfulness of "overgiving" (which was untrue and rather their trauma of old relationships). I would love to hear insights on how a relationship between two FAs can thrive though (if can). 🙏🏼

[@jerrykasinger8621]

Holy cow... verbatum scenario between my wife and i for past 15-20 years..me being f/a her d/a... I see how we both deactivated from eachother.. the thing thats kept us going is me knowing her, her knowing me... we know how much we do love eachother.. just didnt understand how we were in this spot... craziness man!!😅

[@ge0rgialiv]

My ex who I believe is an avoidant, she always said in arguments ‘you always try to make me look the bad guy’ I genuinely never have even thinking from her perspective I didn’t even after the break up I was supportive and there I put my guard up some to respect her feelings and our individual boundaries and I wonder if she feels bad within and she’s feeling is so overwhelming that’s why she said it multiple times. All I never did from the moment we met was love and encourage and support

[@skibidithomas-j6q]

Just because a person is naturally giving and genuinely cares about others and wants to see you succeed doesn’t make them codependent and if they then realize there generosity is being used or taking advantage of doesn’t make them codependent. They might just be naturally a good person. This is almost like brainwash for the person whos the taker

[@gregvanpaassen]

That's true; lots of people are naturally giving and generous, and they make the world a better place. The difference with the fearful avoidant is that the FA thinks (and sometimes says) "if he really loved me he would know" (what I need/want), and "I shouldn't have to tell him" (what I need/want). That's when the relationship has a problem.

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

If you are giving with the expectation of receiving then you're not giving because you're a naturally giving person who genuinely cares. You're giving because you want the same treatment in return or else why would say you're being taken advantage of or used? That's the way YOU show love and doesn't mean your partner needs to show it the same way. When it's phrased that way, it's a clear indication that relationships need to be transactional when you should really be doing acts of kindness from a place of selflessness. This is why we do not like accepting things from certain people. It comes at a price. While not malicious, it's a form of manipulation. If you want a partner that shares a similar love language, you have to find someone who aligns with you in this way. There's nothing wrong with being giving, but there's also nothing wrong with those who don't give freely like you do.

[@bulldogsnewleaf-m7g]

@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant Is your last sentence about the FA or the partner? Aren't FA's the ones giving and then feeling taken advantage of because they dont communicate needs?

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

@@bulldogsnewleaf-m7g that depends on who the FA is with. If they're with someone more avoidant than yes. If they're with someone more anxious then it depends I'd say.

[@PushPastParalysis]

As an overgiver I respect and appreciate your perspective. But she is talking about those of us who do it to the extreme and leave ourselves depleted and don’t know how to communicate our needs cuz we hate asking for anything. I found this video so helpful.

[@firstnamelastname-ve9gj]

Bob just sees you’re craycray 😂

[@carolinehenry1485]

Question: regarding the idea that it takes two steps to resolve an argument - validating perspective/emotions and a strategy to move forward - is there often a third? I have felt in both my failed relationships that there is this unspoken third step needed - to atone for sins blood must be shed, figuratively speaking. It just felt often like these two steps never suffice. Until my blood has been shed (making me feel bad at every opportunity for a while) for sins real or imaginary, there is no atonement - and honestly maybe that was never enough either. I think it's part of why they can never be "wrong" (it's too costly). And this concept of needing to "punish" is very problematic because obviously bloodshed in a relationship is anything but healing. It's like there was something broken in them (both were neglected/abused children), that the only path they knew to restoration was suffering... And again it's questionable whether that ever worked. Is this common? Or was nothing resolved because they were never able to articulate their actual needs - just throw blame around?

[@eileenfuentes6975]

10:53

[@FloraSora]

Woof. I am. A fearful avoidant. Hahahaha...

[@eileenfuentes6975]

10:40

[@moderngoblin]

Y’all make dating sound so shitty. Here’s some advice if dating them is shitty don’t date them.

[@gregvanpaassen]

Dating is a very strange and unpleasant custom all around. Arranged marriages are much better.

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

​@@gregvanpaassenthat sounds terrible.

[@firstnamelastname-ve9gj]

Exactly 👏