my cluster B parent died and I felt.... nothing much (1/2) [cc]

[@Inlittlewayseverythingstays]

It is necessary to self reflect and to break the cycle of abuse, otherwise we turn into those kind of people that tend to say things like: "I was beaten as a child, but it didn't harm me!"

[@TheraminTrees]

Yep, in the past when people have come out with that line 'I was whipped/caned/beaten as a child and it didn't do me any harm', I've sometimes responded, '....aside from making you think it's okay to beat children’.

[@AmanoJack]

I was violently abused as a child. However, compared to my family's emotional abuse, which has all but ruined my life for decades, and from which I may never recover, the beatings were pretty trivial.

[@mimsycookiiess]

@@TheraminTreesthat’s a great response!!

[@ianmiller7735]

@@AmanoJack I hope you're alright now and have found your way to heal.

[@ianmiller7735]

@@TheraminTrees People not grasping how a changed or developed mindset/thought process as a result of what happened to you growing up is in fact "harm", is beyond me. Harm doesn't have to just manifest as mental or physical scars. It can impact the way you think and go about life, and god forbid the cycle repeats again because those mindsets are left unacknowledged. Excellent response.

[@EnigmaticBiker]

"She was so vain, she probably would have thought this video was about her" Well played 😄

[@pancakes8670]

It's a good reminder that the video is ultimately about him, and his own experiences. Such a good line.

[@EnigmaticBiker]

Likely directly paraphrasing a very famous song, 'You're so vain' by Carly Simon.

[@businessman3606]

“Probably think this song is about you.” Is definitely an inspiration of it. Carly Simons I believe.

[@peterdinkler4950]

@@businessman3606one of the classics, I have to listen to it anytime I hear it referenced. First heard it after reading trivia about NIN songs, and seeing it was referenced in Starfuckers Inc. Pretty jarring to go from Trent Reznor to Carly Simons, but that might be why I love it so much, now. It's funny to imagine a Woodstock 94' Trent singing 70's pop, covered in mud. Unironically a bop.

[@bad1080]

oh, shit!!!

[@scorpion2.411]

20:19 To those that think their parents didn't know better: If your parents changed their behavior around friends and family, they knew better

[@misspat7555]

Amazing the things people will say in private with no witnesses, and then claim are misquoted, out of context, were a joke/sarcasm, weren’t said “like THAT”, and so on later. Abuse would be much harder if every word we said to another person were video-recorded… 😕

[@JackCritical]

@@misspat7555 yes and no, i would personally be a LOT more by my self, alone and without anyone if EVERYTHING i did was recorded. i would not be able to abuse or to be abused, just left behind by a society that watches my every move when i am with someone. some things i also dont want to be recorded, there are conversations i have had that i would never say the things i said or be in to begin with had it been recorded, not due to rudeness but with the idea that what i am saying is personal, and is not meant to be listened to by anyone but that person. i see your point but in practice it just does not work. if it were to be done it would have to be by a very authoritarian government, and in that case it would be like china, soviet russia or 1960's cuba, anyone who says anything negative against its leader, will be tortured, arrested or killed. it would be the "big brother is always watching" thing.

[@yippieskippy2971]

​@@JackCriticalwhat you describe is what Roman Catholicism for 2 decades was like for me. I am still trying to be alone in my head in my 50's now (decades long since those formative years).

[@JackCritical]

@@yippieskippy2971 yep, indoctrination at a young age sure is effective, hope you can find a way to be at peace by yourself, as this is hard to get over. best wishes from me

[@sonicsuns]

@@misspat7555 "Abuse would be much harder if every word we said to another person were video-recorded…" Recording everything would make everything subject to public opinion. But sometimes public opinion is wrong.

[@JuriSan81]

I was the golden child in my narcissistic family. I feel horrible about it, even after apologizing to my sister (the scapegoat) and my father (the enabler). I felt so angry towards them and now I know why. I wanted my sister to "stop making my mother sad" and my father "to stand up and do something". It has been a long journey of healing and I'm not even close to peace of mind but knowledge is the best thing ❤

[@awarmcomfybed]

Same, but I was the one who denied and pushed away my parents because they kept abusing and not loving my sister and i recognized that. I saw it many many years before she was able to, but she's since recognized and even found love herself and will probably be moving out in a few months. Advancement IS possible, even if it seems like you'll be stuck forever.

[@john-ic5pz]

i'm curious, why apologize to your dad?

[@JuriSan81]

@@john-ic5pzI felt guilty towards him. He was also a victim and tried to stay away from the abuse. But I know now he's weak and did nothing to help us. Today I don't really care about him but I'm at peace with myself in that regard.

[@JuriSan81]

@@awarmcomfybed❤

[@yvonne3903]

Your mother used you as much as she used everyone else

[@ShrikeofCrows]

I have borderline, and I think it's important to note that the manipulation that comes with it isn't always intentional/conscious. This doesn't negate the harm it does, but when they make a genuine effort to improve themselves and their relations, you should at least give them a little grace. It's a difficult thing to grapple with, but you're under no obligation to keep these people in your life. *Malignant* is an important word here. Acceptance is the first step to improvement, any genuine effort to improve should be encouraged. It's clear to me that it wasn't TheraminTrees' intention to paint everyone in cluster b as irredeemable, just felt the need to point that out if it's not obvious to some.

[@elijahgavin6706]

I disagree that anyone “should” be given grace. Cluster B types can frequently use feigned attempts at turning over a new leaf as a means of regaining access to a subject of their abuse or mistreatment, whether consciously or unconsciously. Grace is a gift, not a right.

[@drudeger]

@@elijahgavin6706 while i agree with you, i think it's important to understand that ALL abusers, regardless of if they are mentally ill or what mental illness they have, will commonly do this. we should not use "cluster b" as interchangeable with "abuser."

[@gaswe9236]

I dont think borderline personality disorder is something you are born with. Its a personality disorder after all. If youve taken yourself down that hole then you need to realise youre causing harm to others and fix it. I used to be an impulsive liar but i never complained about people giving me grace whenever i would straight up lie in their face to make myself seem something im not.

[@rucheetakrishnan5489]

@@gaswe9236bpd is caused by childhood trauma a lot of the time. people are not really born with it.

[@drudeger]

@@gaswe9236 the specific relationship between genetic and environmental factors regarding how mental illness is developed is highly complex. just because you "don't think" someone is born with a personality disorder doesn't suddenly make that correct. regardless, just the same as you cannot "fix" depression or schizophrenia, you cannot "fix" cluster b personality disorders. the same with all mental illnesses, you can learn to cope with and manage your symptoms, and ask for accommodations where it's reasonable. people with cluster b personality disorders are not hurting people just by having a mental illness.

[@teaburg]

None of my narcissist father's offspring shed a tear for him. Though we all had nightmares for months afterwards. Probably just sorting out the past and storing it all away finally. One brother said it was healing to see him look so small and harmless. What a legacy to leave. Yes, we are over him.

[@reinas1713]

Glad you are moving on.

[@teaburg]

@@reinas1713 Thanks. This channel has helped.

[@Human_01]

I'M PROUD OF YOU, LOL. 'THIS' IS THE RIGHT ATTITUDE TO HAVE AGAINST NARCISSISTS AND THE LIKE. THIS IS SUSTAINABLE ('NATURALLY', THE VIRTUE OF HUMANITY CAN ONLY BE SUSTAINED WITH THOSE WHO NATURALLY EXPERIENCE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE). EDIT: NO CODEPENDENT, NARCISSIST/EVIL-LOVING NONSENSE... THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD BE!

[@drivethruabortion280]

Sad.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I feel like that. My mother is so weak now. Still has control over everybody's thoughts mind you but I feel a little more free because she is so weak physically

[@regalx1]

I was like "Wtf is this?!?" How did this man describe the childhood of me and my brother line by line? Is there some bad parenting book that these cluster B parents share amongst each other?!? Thank you for this and I cannot wait for part 2.

[@person7407]

Abuse is systemic . It's never an outlier but an intended disruptive result of a purposefully corrupt ideology in government such as fascism. This is why we all have such similar routes when it comes to abuse

[@civotamuaz5781]

That book is called Bible

[@Amigo21189]

IIRC, Cluster B mental illnesses are identifiable as such specifically because they include this recognizable and predictable pattern of emotional dysregulation and inappropriate behavior.

[@ElodieHiras]

@@NostalgiaLoverxX Even nonreligious cluster B parent learn parenting from the same book of bad parenting as religious ones. While I'll be the first to admit the Narcissism is Strong with the God(s) (the patterns aren't hard to spot if you know narcissists), it's a larger problem than bibles and qurans and talmuds and torahs and so on...

[@kingpong8918]

prager u has entered the chat

[@Sloffytoffy]

I will NEVER stop confronting bad parents on how they're treating their children. I've seen to much abuse.

[@cinderbeserk]

How do you thank someone for literally changing my life for the better? Thank you Theramin Trees, and I'm so thankful for it. Thank You Sir.

[@owojohnson1115]

I agree, TheraminTrees's content is incredibly valuable. ❤

[@DanteMoraes]

Yes, how to thank indeed

[@alexfulcrumart]

when i was very young, i had a broken arm with no cast for a few days, because my family decided i was faking for attention. i am right there with you. great video as always.

[@nyandoesthings]

I had the same with my foot. It'll be five years since this May, and it still hurts. I'm sure that walking on it for that long made sure it didn't heal properly. It probably didn't help that once I got my boot we never returned to the doctor to check in like we should have, I just wore it for 7 weeks before my mom took it away and put it in storage.

[@A-yc2ni]

​@@nyandoesthings​ that is horrible. Does your family do things like that regularly?

[@eshelsh1905]

Just wanna remind everyone reading this that you are not bad, sick, sinful, a monster or any other name used to dehumanise you. You do not deserve no physical, emotional, social or any other type of abuse you have been exposed to. You are a wonderful human being that deserves respect, freedom and safety, and I hope you all make it out healthy and at a better place than before.

[@monikapp3981]

❤you too

[@icahopilm898]

I needed this comment, alongside the puppy profile picture

[@aazhie]

Mother, Mother is a band that has a song called "It's Alright" and it's really reassuring and makes me tear up. Loys if folks in the comments on the uploads of that song from people about very sad situations they have survived

[@sonicsuns]

Thank you so much. I *still* struggle with this.

[@debeb5148]

Not if war, pain, and sickness have anything to say about that lol

[@scumhagg]

I was SO devastated at the thought that you might not post again. No youtube content has been more beneficial and meaningful in my life than your videos. I’m so grateful for your work for this world BIG thank you!!

[@ashlee743]

I literally checked his channel a couple weeks ago thinking the same thing. So happy to see a new post!

[@Roseyla]

I once told my parents when I was in my early 20s that I would feel nothing when they died, same with my siblings, too. I wasn't trying to attack, to hurt them, or to manipulate. I was communicating my emotional landscape, or lackthereof, as by that point, I had been experiencing alexithymia. When my father passed, I felt nothing. It was only some time later I had a moment of sadness, brief, because I could not share music with him, an artist we both enjoyed and their latest album. Many years later, I started to move out of alexithymia, improving on my interoceptive awareness, and eventually learned that my childhood was actually traumatic. I didn't understand that. I thought my problems stemmed from being autistic, not traumas. Now, I realize that in telling my parents what I had, they should have suggested I go to therapy, and yet, nobody would support me emotionally. My mother would blame me for everything, even called me a monster once, when I was just looking out for myself. I was a kid. Fuck them.

[@marcoglara2012]

Question. You cut off you’re whole family? All of them? Do some of them Have a good relationship with each other? I ask because it could be the case that your whole family is dysfunctional. but, more likely, there is a common denominator there. Maybe they tell this story about you?

[@Roseyla]

@@marcoglara2012 I never said I cut them off.

[@brettstephens2736]

Colder than the Arctic😂 I love the way you think

[@Trainfan1055Janathan]

Being told you're lying about how you feel is something I unfortunately have experience with, although not nearly as bad as you. Often times when I was a kid, I'd say things like "I'm hungry" or "I'm thirsty," and my parents would respond "you ain't hungry" or "you ain't thirsty..." One day I questioned them and asked, "How do you know how I feel? You're not me..." And they got mad. To this day, I still don't know why. I wasn't shouting, I wasn't rude. I just had a legit question. I often tell myself, "If I ever have kids, I hope I don't become like my parents."

[@KathysFlog]

Yep! also, "I am hurting". "No, you're a hyperchondriac," which even now, aged 68 and after years of therapy, goes deep and causes me to ignore my needs and delay getting medical help.

[@mutex1024]

Because you said that last sentence, I'm sure it will come true. It's the people without that awareness who continue the cycle of abuse.

[@Venti_Loverer2001]

Your videos on abuse helped me escape a toxic "friend" group who were the worst things to ever happen to me. My life is tangibly better without having to endure their onslaught every second of my existence. I was already aware of the sham of Religious groups but i found your content on them affirming. No clue if you'll even see this but im extremely grateful for the massive positive impact you left in my life. I hope your affairs and whatnot are going swimmingly as well.

[@mydogsareneat]

Mines ruined my life so many times over I stopped counting. I'd need a whole new country and identity because of them trying to not get caught.

[@poduck2]

I have never gotten too torn up when anyone died. I thought that it was just because I wasn't close enough to them. I always imagined that when my mother died, I would completely lose it. She happened to die much sooner than I expected, yet I couldn't find a tear. I was just dumb struck. I find that part of me somewhat disturbing. There is nobody in the world i loved more than her, yet I have never shed a tear about her death.

[@aussie405]

I somewhat relate to that. In my case it seems that I have some level of aphantasia and that changes the grieving process. It is almost like they are just on holiday somewhere else.

[@Rayowag]

I relate to that with my grandma. I cried only a handful of times but grew up with her constantly around and she was like a second mom. It's weird but I'm not mad about it either that I seem to grieve like that. I'm almost more afraid of absolutely losing it and derailing my life because of a close loss

[@jhoughjr1]

Hello psychopath.

[@SoupSpot]

@@aussie405that’s interesting, I have aphantasia and I grieve hard but I never realized why I always couldn’t believe they were actually gone, just out of sight. Thats very insightful of you and weirdly helpful to this random stranger.

[@jaredt.murphy8257]

Some of the imposter lines I was given: "if you leave here, who do you think is going to take care of you like I do?" "God wants you to obey me- do you want to anger him?"

[@phoenixh87]

My mother is similar to your mother. I also have a narcissistic elder brother. I often wonder what my life would look like if I had a normal mother. I honestly feel emotionally stunted and guarded. Caregiving was dispensed as a duty and felt as if it was done without any warmth or desire. I am very good at spotting superficial people, so I have my mother to thank for that. It took living with my brother to fully realise the insidiousness of their personalities. My mother, to her credit, is more honest now and openly admits her divergence from social norms, and she knows she cannot hide behind a mask with me or my eldest sister. My brother, on the other hand, does not realise how utterly superficial and fake he is in company. He derives his value in putting others beneath him and disregards the positives in others when it doesnt benefit him.

[@fotnite_]

My ex had a parent exactly like this. Whenever I was over he would act all calm, but when she told me how he would yell when it was just the family around, whenever I visited I could see the constant tension in his face. The smile he put on felt especially creepy. I'm very glad I grew up with parents that weren't like this.

[@Patmccalk]

Happy to hear your voice again, been watching your content for years, and it’s really helped me grow as a person and overcome a lot.

[@Rickfernello]

I relate so much it hurts. I was not a cunning child like you were. And my mother is almost as bad, but I'd say not that far. For me, I ended up becoming a more helpless person. I can't do anything for myself. I became dependent. And this creates a horrible, twisted attachment of insecurity between the parent. Where you need them, but need to get away from them. Which in turn increases the guilt. There is genuine love that my mom surely must feel for me. Or at least, I want to believe that. But for everything she has done... It is hard to recall moments where I knew that I loved her. It is much easier to recall the moments that I hated her. And I don't hate often, for other people. As for my dad, it's similar to yours, though he found other ways to defend himself as well. Almost the entire video rings true for me. I'm now 27, and have several mental health issues I cannot get rid of. I've dreamed since I was 13 to live away from them. It's incredible how I still haven't managed. I live through a mask around them to appease them and keep the peace. But I dream of one day cutting those ties.

[@neonfatum]

For what it's worth, I'm 29, in a similar situation and I feel you. My mum certainly has all of the classic narcissistic and abusive tendencies, but they don't manifest all of the time and she can genuinely be very sweet as well. It has always been very confusing to deal with and it's hard to not see some something sinister within that sometimes. It really depends on her mood, which unfortunately can and often will change rapidly and for no apparent reason. Just a very volatile and explosive personality. And it's endless, it's like living in a timeloop. She never learns from our many fights, no matter how hard or often I try to tell her how they could be avoided. She's just not capable of changing. Sometimes it's honestly hard to imagine she's even a real person, someone capable of self-awareness. My dad I wouldn't call abusive. He has always put me down, but I don't believe that he ever did it out of malice. He's just inept, ignorant and insensitive, like a lot of men, and like a lot of parents, especially at his age and from his culture. He can't really help himself. I think he cares about me, but he doesn't really know or understand me as a person at all, and I'm too exhausted by the both of them to ever reciprocate or let either of them into my inner world. I've been complacent and struggled with learnt helplessness all my life. I never managed to make something of myself. I do have a degree but haven't done anything with it yet. Now that I'm trying, it might already be too late. I still don't really believe in myself and find nothing intrinsically motivating about doing something for my own sake. I've always been an outcast and haven't really found anyone who cares about me or my feeling. I feel inadequate and like a total failure compared to everyone around me. But I do want to keep trying anyway. I guess I do still hold out hope that there's someone out there for me after all, who cares and genuinely likes me. That's worth living for.

[@fablearchitect7645]

@@neonfatum stay strong and continue trying to seek a path of independence forward. Judging from the comments in this video, this is quite a common life occurrence so that shows that we are not alone in this struggle.

[@Rickfernello]

@@neonfatum What the fuck, dude... Are you me? Everything you described is exactly the same. Except I don't have a degree.

[@Mylifestoriesmaybe]

​@@neonfatumAs someone who's 25 and finishing their degree only at 26, don't you give up hope because I haven't either

[@krumblemumble8628]

HOORAY!!! A long TheraminTrees video! Thank you for sharing your story. Can't wait for part 2

[@Morafak]

I'm sorry you had to go though all of that in your childhood (and much more I assume). But I'm thankful that the world has someone like you now to help us digest our own traumas. Its not easy to get out the trap of abuse and not everyone is strong to oppose and fight free. Your videos help others recognize their own pains and traps. And for that I'm deeply thankful. My humblest thanks for your work sir.

[@aleksszukovskis2074]

you know its a great year when it has 2 TheraminTrees videos

[@pfeifenderleidender7320]

Your thorough and precise understanding of these nightmarish creatures is apparent in your videos. It is admirable. I wish to reach your level of understanding and articulateness. Moreover, your music rocks! Through understanding, surely, we can protect ourselves and our loved ones from these abusive freaks.

[@erikb4407]

I often wonder how long his videos take due to their clarity and articulateness. The animation, music, and lovely tone of voice are the cherry on top.

[@nuggy9556]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You will never know the validation and relief and comfort I feel hearing your account. It’s very similar to my own family dynamic. Instead of figuring out my step-surrogate’s facade in childhood, it took me way longer. I’m in my 30’s now. I have a parental hole in my life, and the expression “patchwork parents” absolutely describes what I have had to do for myself. My mom was “Walter”. I went through all of the feelings, good parent/bad parent, disappointment, betrayal, and then not considering either of them parents at all. I hear of other people having great relationships with their parents and I wish mine could be that way. I wish you well in life, and again, I cannot express accurately how much your videos mean to me. Thank you.❤

[@amorasilverspark]

Wow, the timing on this one. I recently got back in contact with my siblings and learned all of them have given up on our birth giver entirely like I have. She got married to a very abusive man and all of us hated him, but she loved him despite all the red flags and blatant abuse he did right in front of her. She's now completely lost to his manipulations and has isolated herself from her family entirely. If she passed away tomorrow, I would not give it much thought at all like TheraminTrees.

[@culixstar]

felt this one much more than the others. neglective father and a mother that stood by accepting it. he later abandoned her in my mid 20s for other women. i supported her til my late 30s until i visited unannounced and she blurted out he was back, and have been for months. without a word to me. plenty of phone calls asking why the check from the bank hasn't arrived yet, but not a word about him. i cut my support then and there. after that the calls stopped. the feeling of betrayal is very very real.

[@ArtfullyMusingLaura]

This could not be more relevant for me as my mom passed in February of this year. I had difficulty feeling much in the way of grief at her passing. Like your brother, I stayed in limited contact as I was responsible for her financial welfare. My sister went no-contact, and my brothers had occasional contact via phone. I had already grieved the childhood and relationship I should have had. 89 years with her had worn me out. Thank you for this video.

[@threethrushes]

I relate to this sentiment a lot.

[@chancegoldstein]

This is absolutely, "Roberta Flack, Killing me softly"! I found out months ago my Jehovah's Witness 'mother' who has shunned me for 40+ years died back in 2021. Part II on this video, please!!!! I've actually watched this a couple times... Amazing work.

[@LateNightKaiju]

Thanks for your excellent videos. I hope to see the second part of your Cluster B Parent video soon, the first part was really interesting.

[@TheraminTrees]

That's extremely generous. Thank you! Part two is approaching the finish line. Hoping to upload in the next couple of weeks.

[@CoreHope1331]

This channel has helped me recover from growing up in a very unhealthy household, and upon seeing it I immediately forwarded it with high reccomendations to several people I know still going through their journeys to recovery and safety. It's great to know this channel isn't dead

[@brentwilbur]

Man... I am right there with you. I have said to myself and others on more than one occasion that, even though I was "raised" by my mother, I have never _known_ my mother, because I was always dealing with an artificial personality. Similarly, my mother has never known me, because I was only ever encouraged to play some supporting role in whatever grand production was being put on that day. I didn't even begin to develop a genuine personality until my early thirties - which was way more challenging than I would have originally thought.

[@ucankushincorporations1318]

Ever since my dutch teacher showed me one of your videos, I feel more and more "normal" about many topics in life. Thank you for showing me that I'm not alone.

[@YourCapyFrenBigly_3DPipes1999]

Having to live with weak, complicit enablers has to be one of the worst things about growing up in a dysfunctional family home. These individuals have completely refused to even attempt to fulfill their role as loyal protector of their children by completely capitulating to the toxic, abusive, or violent treatment that the other guardian routinely chooses to perpetrate. I don't know if that kind of lifelong cowardice should to be forgiven. I didn't grow up quite like that, but I'm familiar with the dynamic, and it breaks my heart to think of all of the powerless children and youth that had to stand by and watch a weak mother or father do absolutely nothing while the other parental figure vents out abuse after abuse and brings destruction and instability into everyone's lives. I can only imagine the types of disappointment, sometimes rage, feelings of betrayal and disgust it must leave adult survivors with. Very very harmful and shameful. Hopefully all can heal one day but my heart truly goes out to all those who had to watch a doormat enabler day after day. How difficult that must have been and survivors have every right to feel abandoned and outraged at such a parent. Sure they may be deeply damaged themselves and struggling with their own feelings of inadequacy and/or fear, but when you become a parent you have a duty to protect, and just as TT says, that means NOT just taking the easiest way out. It can be scary, but there should be no hesitation to try to get away from the abuser. God bless and forever salutations to those brave parents who drew a line in the sand and said "no more!"

[@hobocode]

I'm so excited for part 2!!!!!! This was a perfect deconstruction of my own childhood experience. I'm on the edge of my seat knowing how you've dealt with the later steps. The adult child surviving and how to cope with intense pain of the years of abuse. I got C-PTSD and lots of physical ailments caused by constant developmental toxic stress.

[@jumpingman6612]

I just accept how it is. It felt like both my parents died when my father passed away. Thank you for all the videos, it have helped me immensely with my thoughts and feelings.

[@harveysengersmusic247]

To point out how on point and close to home this is; I shared this with my sister, and half a day later she came back to me shaken and offering her apologies for enabling and helping out in the horrible upringing i had got from our mother. Mind you, about about 26 years after she and 20 years after i left home. The parralel points in this story to mine where bone chilling. Thank you, for sharing ❤

[@TheraminTrees]

My reply seems to have been hidden, then deleted. I just wished you and your sister well.

[@carlamarinacosta4855]

I started to discover I was raised by toxic parents when I became a parent myself and could stay away from them. From discovery to defense was a quit jump. They try to do to my kids what they did to me. When I lost my father I felt indifferent, and I started to grieve my living mother during the pandemic.

[@killerrme6371]

Thank you, theramin. Your content has helped me blossom from a lost young teenager to an aspiring young adult. The portrayal and intricate explanations of complex emotions and relationships has been a guiding figure since I first found your videos, you are doing great work at changing the lives of others. I look forward to more of your content! Thank you very much for what you do :)

[@TheraminTrees]

@killerrme6371 Thank you very much! It's great to hear the channel has been of some help. I wish you well as you continue moving forward. Peace.

[@catboymothman2495]

This is honestly helping me sort out my relationship to my grandmother. She had a lot of the mask wearing behaviors you spoke about, and would insult damn near anyone when they weren't listening, including her grandkids. She would force herself to be the center of attention at any event, including other people's birthdays. When my grandmother passed away in 2021, my mother was distraught, but I didn't feel much. I still don't feel much, except at holidays, where the lack of feeling on edge is strange. While I don't have the same relationship you do to your imposter, your stories about her helped me understand my own, as well as how I processed it.

[@supremeoverlord0]

Haha, same here! Have a terrible grandmother who I'm just counting the days with, and have gone as low contact with as possible. She really fucked with my father who has all sorts of unresolved issues because of her abusive parenting, and she is to a 't,' like the situation depicted in this video, down to the weird quirks. My grandfather 's health is dwindling, and he's been passive and enabling her behavior his whole life with her. She, of course, is hale and hearty at 80, even after a car wreck she caused from driving wrecklessly. Her relationship with my father really fucked up MY relationship with him, because he's put her first over everyone else in his life, and it's was so depressing to grow up and realize you, your dad's kid, would always play second fiddle to this loud, insensitive mother of his. He's 50, and still has no qualms putting his loved ones in the target of her abuse despite his kids historically and presently crying and getting ill over it, and his marriage dissolving because of it. Sad stuff. Totally get what you mean about the holiday bit. My last couple Christmas have been really pleasant, but it's still so, so foreign.

[@tempestholmes]

Oh my god. I filled that parent shaped hole too... with other people's good parents, with fictional people, even the occasional celebrity. When I would be physically abused I would imagine one particular made up parent coming to my rescue and taking me away from them forever. Hit me as they would, I was miles away and safe with a man who could crush them as easily as they crushed me.

[@ariesresearchgroup2858]

Since the release of this video I've been on the look out everyday waiting for part two. The perspective that @TheraminTrees gives on the accumulation of things we have had to endure from our supposed "loved ones" is something I never thought I would ever find. The research that has obviously gone to the making of this video alone must have been staggering. I really appreciate your continued resolve on helping people through the maze that abuse has put me in.

[@lorincapson7720]

Thank-you, I needed this. I cried briefly for each parent at their passing. I was also glad of it so I could show peers I had some emotional reaction. Otherwise, I finally felt free and nothing more at their passing.

[@russellregister8553]

Thank you so much for making the videos you make. You sincerely helped me during my religious deconstruction a few years back, and your explanation of malignant personalities really helped me understand my sister (who the rest of my immediate family has now ceased contact with for years). Your explanations and animations are so easy to understand. Thank you again.

[@chosenbumbledee1402]

Need the part two so bad

[@Xechor]

Having followed your channel for over a decade, your videos have always been a glimpse into my future.

[@SeekingTruth2023]

19:10 yes, exactly. "When the qualities we seek in people, don't exist, we have to find ways to misinterpret their behaviour to fit our preconceptions..."

[@testguy3210]

Hello "TheraminTrees," I have not seen a new video upload from you in a while, and I hope you are doing fine. I discovered your channel two years ago and have been revisiting your videos on a weekly basis. As an ex-Muslim, I grew up in an abusive environment with narcissistic parents. During my time as a Muslim, I was blind to my parents' abuse and consistently justified their actions. However, your videos have helped me realize that I was the scapegoat in my family, and I now fully understand what went wrong. I appreciate your courage in openly discussing your personal experiences, as many people hesitate to do so. Your videos have had a profound impact on my life, prompting positive changes. I am now succeeding in various tasks and finding joy in many aspects of life. I often share your videos with my friends, and I am grateful for the positive influence you've had on my journey.

[@rustyfynn]

I have watched this video about 10 times! It’s so brilliantly crafted. I was lucky enough to have grown up in a fairly stable family setting, but I recognise these traits in other people - this really helps to explain their behaviours. Looking forward to part 2.

[@rustyfynn]

Me too. It’s a fantastically crafted video. I check every week to see if part two has been uploaded.

[@Terrorblade_596]

I am really excited to see you are back again after long period. And now I am gonna express my gratitude to you. I have watched all the videos in your channel. You opened my mind further broader, and extended my thinking level. The more attempts I question my religion, the stronger my position changed into atheism. I'm from Uzbekistan, and it's been 7-8 months I became an atheist. I can feel freedom although I cannot reveal myself to the people around me. What is troubling me is I am 24 years old and I need to get married a few years later after building my career stronger. I don't wanna get married with muslim girl. But it is almost impossible to find atheist girl who thinks same with me in my country. Oftentimes I observe muslim couples on the street, they look happy. Do you know although there is no God in reality, muslim couples seem happy to me or maybe to others too (although muslims are in BIG LIE). What should I do ? Can atheism give happiness to me apart from elimination of imaginary defects ? I am 24 years old, this is very important period of my life. I need advice from you and others who are experienced atheists, please, what would you do in my case ?

[@TonyAMO]

I've only been an atheist for a couple of years, but one thing every one who calls themselves an atheist must know is that there is no specific lifestyle. You can live your life however you want, and feel proud that you're living a unique life away from any god. If you really want to find a girl, be the best person you can be. Help people. Talk to people. Be nice to people. That's basically it. No rituals, sacrifices, or doctrines. Just having basic human empathy is enough.

[@pechaa]

Hello, I sympathize with your situation. I grew up in a strict religious community, but I am in the U.S. and twice your age, so my experience is different. I am an atheist too and, also like you, quite happy to be free. I feel safe in assuming that some of the Muslim couples you see are indeed happy; others are pretending. I know it's possible to be an atheist and happy as well, because I myself have a supportive, happy family. Can you find other people who think like you on Uzbek Internet message boards? Maybe Reddit or something like that? For me, moving to an urban area was key to finding people like me. There most likely are other atheists near universities in your country. As you are building your career, can you move to a city center? Listen closely for people who use euphemisms such as "not religious." Some nonbelievers feel more comfortable using more ambiguous terms. I think if you keep looking, you will eventually find someone to whom you can relate. At the very least, there will be women who accept all of you for who you are. If you don't feel accepted for who you are, don't settle for someone just because there is a lot of pressure to marry. That probably won't go well. I wish you all the best on your journey in life. Approaching it with care and deliberation, as you are doing, is a very good start.

[@iyzu8413]

Hey stranger, I don't know if this is going to help you with your situation but I would like to at least give you my opinion as a fellow atheist (or more accurately agnostic) regarding your situation. What you do with it is up to you, although I sincerely hope it will help. As far as I can see you have two major let's call them "problems" that you have mentioned. First of all the problem of marriage, you don't want to marry someone muslim, yet atheists are very rare in Uzbekistan and as far as I can see it on the internet that opinion is supported. Honestly, I don't really know if there is much to be done about this situation at all, although luckily you still have a few years to think about it so I would definitely use that time to make a plan on how to proceed with that. The only two solutions I can see are first to search for organisations or communities that are about atheism or at least openly discuss matters of faith and so on and that are not lead by churches or something like that because obviously it is highly unlikely that you would find a fellow atheist there. So basically find activities and organisations where you believe or know the rate of atheists to be quite high or as high as possible and join them so search for a romantic partner. The second solution and the much more difficult one I see is pretty simple at it's core. Leave the country and go somewhere where a lot of people are atheists or at least are not as religious as Uzbekistan. Although that is for obvious reasons quite a harsh solution and not as easy, yet it is a potential solution to your problem. The second big "problem" I have picked up (correct me if I misunderstood) is that you don't know whether or not atheism can provide people with happiness. And I honestly have to say that neither atheism nor theism per se provide you with happiness. I personally know quite a few deeply religious people that are quite bitter about life and not really happy. In my opinion you'll have to find happiness through other means, for example having supportive and healthy friendships, engaging hobbies, a job that excites and fulfills you or even a healthy romantic relationship. Now another smaller point that you mentioned is that a lot of muslim couples look and seem happy in their relationship I would like to point out that that might not be the case (for reference look into theramins video lol, his mother hid her bad behaviour in front of relatives as well). The point here being is that I would postulate having a good, healthy and long lasting romantic relationship is not a matter of what god (or no god) you believe in but much more about how well the beliefs of the two partners regarding god fit together and much more their character and personality traits. I hope this helps and I wish you all the best from Germany!

[@nathangamble125]

Atheism doesn't "give" anything, it's only disbelief in gods. Good people can be atheists, bad people can be atheists. Happy people can be atheists, depressed people can be atheists. Rationalism has benefits, and leads to atheism, but atheism isn't a cause in itself, it's one answer (either "no" or "probably not") to a single question ("do any gods exist?"). I think of gods the same way that I think of fantasy creatures like fairies or unicorns. They don't exist, but some people like to believe in them. Rationally, people shouldn't believe in fairies, unicorns, or gods, but it's not necessarily harmful if they do. The problem comes when people try to base the way they live their lives on what they think the fairies, unicorns, or gods want; and try to force that way of living on other people. Of course, people who believe in fairies or unicorns are much rarer than people who believe in gods, and they don't normally try to enforce laws based on the will of fairies and unicorns; but they do exist. I don't see a point in going out of my way to tell them that unicorns and fairies aren't real. Most theists don't take the extreme parts of their religion's dogma seriously, and don't try to force it onto other people. I'm an atheist, my uncle is an anglican vicar, my aunt (on the other side of the family) is a muslim, and there is no conflict between us. I enjoy engaging with both Christian and Islamic culture as long as I'm not being forced to adopt their beliefs. In my experience, muslims are generous and hospitable, and christians are great storytellers and musicians, though of course this doesn't apply to the extremists. I don't know your exact situation, so I can't predict how easy it would be, but there shouldn't be any problem if you marry a relatively liberal muslim who doesn't have a problem with you being an atheist, as long as you don't have a problem with them being a muslim. Not every muslim is an extremist, though you should certainly avoid trying to have a relationship with any that are.

[@Desimere]

I met a Turkish guy in Netherlands, who i ended up dating for a few years. When i visited him in Turkey, i found out that many people in Turkey are Muslim, but the ratio was quite different in universities, where atheism was common actually. He, his parents, and his friends were all atheist, but only privately. To their extended families, they all said that they were Muslim. I don't know the situation in Uzbekistan specifically, but i think you are more likely to find atheists among academics and in bigger cities compared to rural places. And also, i've found that artistically-inclined people tend to be interested in societal analysis and be part of countercultural movements, so perhaps even if they're not atheistic yet, they might on average be more open-minded. Thirdly, i would encourage you to go on student exchange or find a community of foreigners/exchange students in your own country. Typically, as an exchange student, it's actually difficult to make friends with locals because you're there for too short time to learn the language and they tend to switch out of English within their own groups. It's difficult to make friends with them even though it feels great to have a local friend who explains cultural aspects and such. So your help might be appreciated, and those groups are often more mixed as well in terms of religion.

[@moldychez5429]

I know you probably don't need to hear this, but I'm so sorry for what you went through. Even having watched your videos so many times, I still cannot fathom how one human being can be so evil and fail to see the damage they are doing to those around them. Also I hope you are recovering well from your injury. Stay safe. I'm grateful for the wisdom you share with us. Edit: I realize they did not fail to see the damage they were causing; it was fully intentional. So now the question is how could someone be so intentionally hateful and cruel...

[@pascalbro7524]

You've made a lot of videos arguing against religion and I think a trauma bond being a thing is one of the strongest arguments against religion that I have not heard mentioned.

[@lancelotdufrane]

What an excellent illustration! I’m a senior. My surrogate is still living. My day of release is close. Thank you for explaining the reaction I know is destined. Calm and healthy post to help all of us dealing with the cluster b stealth destruction in society.

[@jeffwatkins352]

Been missing your wonderful videos and so glad to see a new one. Can't wait for Part 2! It's an awesome feat to have grown into so wise a man after that kind of parenting. Wish I'd had you as my therapist decades ago! My parental situation was far milder than yours but it still did a number on me. I never needed to cut either parent out of my life. They weren't bad and I was never abused. But it's still taken me 71 years to even begin to unravel my own issues inherited from my upbringing.

[@lianav707]

My heart goes out to you for the horrors you endured. 😢. I am glad you know you are a wonderful, thoughtful human being deserving of real and true love. ❤

[@user-11Il10I1]

Thank you for this. It's terrifying that your mother was very similar to mine. I'm hoping we would heal from all the traumas inflicted to us.

[@kariannecrysler640]

Very well done. I look forward to the second half. Spot on.

[@colonellzaran2207]

FINALLY THERAMINS YOU ARE BACK!!!

[@lemonywater2979]

I've watched this video so many times. I'm very happy to know I'm not alone, and I'm not crazy.

[@squidy_squid]

I really enjoy it's aesthetics, calm voice and how well told and clear it is. Sorry for the stuff you've been through, we don't choose our families, but I hope you're living a good life.

[@leahparker9033]

I was sad when my mother died because there was no chance anymore of ever having a good relationship with her. I tried.

[@jasminityy4396]

Im halfway through -- this is a very hard watch since it reminds me of home so I have to come back to it. Thank you for sharing your story. I imagine this was hard to make as much it is hard to watch. I hope you are doing well!

[@itsaspiracle]

i was randomly recommended this video and i’m really glad for it my dad growing up was the anti-parent. it took me a long time to really understand and address that, because the abuse primarily came in the form of neglect and withholding affection. even so, there were parts of this video that made me stop what i was doing entirely because they were so eerily familiar. i’ve parsed through a lot of these things in therapy, but there were parts of this that i’d never really thought about, like how inconsistent my feelings are toward my mom… they fluctuate exactly as you described. anyway tldr you got a new subscriber

[@Fstop313]

DUDE i thought this said “cluster b PATIENT” and I was horrified until I read it again.

[@jhonsillosanchez8494]

I read it that way too and was confused, I didn't even know what cluster b meant

[@lancemilliken9078]

It’s about time J/k. Thanks for putting in the time to post. Your videos are incredible

[@hyperelliptik]

Watching these videos help me to retroactively notice things I didn't as I was younger... And I hope it helps me regulate my own behavior because I've become kind of scared of unknowingly repeating some or all of them.

[@sweatergod5386]

I literally had a dream about my mom dying a week ago this is crazy. Glad to see you again!

[@PineTree96]

always a pleasure to see you upload again. hoping you are well

[@alidre2335]

The legend is back!!!!

[@nolanbalzer1796]

Thank you. I'm really looking forward to Part 2. An older roommate in my past exhibited a number of the traits listed in Cluster B. They were able to frame their gaslighting and control tactics within the umbrella of Christian Discipleship and I, being a young, devout believer at the time, fell for it. I even welcomed it at times as "iron sharpening iron". Now, free from both the religious belief and that roommate, I can see it for what it was. I no longer feel shame about being manipulated by them and, at times, even feel pity for them. They systematically disassociated themselves from everyone who held them accountable for their behavior and ended up alone.

[@JamesiaInc]

I only hope that you've told your father how badly he fucked up.

[@Narrow-Path.]

This insight was a game changer for me. Thank you. Cannot wait for part two. Amazing work. ❤

[@booksteer7057]

My mom could turn any injustice we had experienced into our fault. That came, in part, from her Catholic upbringing, which taught her, and us, that if something bad happened to you, you deserved it. Her father, my grandfather, actually used to say, "God don't sleep" whenever we bumped our head or skinned a knee. Meaning it was God's way of punishing us for something wicked we had done earlier. We never had a defender, only an accuser or someone who always took our opponent's side.

[@INeatFreak]

It's crazy how similar our parents were! Had the exact father and mother.

[@AsdfFdsa-gp5qg]

You’re so strong for sharing this man. My personal experience was a bit different - antisocial brother ruling the house with enabling parental figures, and then my maternal let her borderline and histrionic nature show towards my dad and myself - but I definitely clock in at the fundamental similarities. Though I am very lucky to have the support of my dad who got himself divorced on (still enables tho), it’s been a long road to piece myself and my sense of agency back together. That’s been the most difficult part for me I think; not the personality stealing but the sheer level of disempowerment I adopted and ingrained in my psyche. I’ve been no contact for 6 years from both of the cluster Bs and I’m still healing from that.

[@glennerd3125]

Father passed in 2004. I still have yet to shed a single tear for him.....

[@Sweetie_87]

Looking forward to part II :) x

[@jacobginsberg-margo830]

I’ve always been blessed (though I know how you feel about that term) with wonderful parents and a fantastic family. This certainly does put my familial ties into perspective.

[@williamowens6688]

your story will bring peace to others. thank you for sharing it

[@rexr0b0twars80]

you have a very calming voice

[@FlavorsomeMusic]

I relate to this on a pretty profound level, and I can't wait to hear part 2. It's pretty cathartic to hear a story that so closely matches mine, helps me realize that I am not insane or malevolent myself, and that my reactions are totally normal and warranted. Thank you for that.

[@amyschmidt1113]

Wow, thank you for sharing the wisdom you gained, and for wording everything so well. This work you share is very useful to me. I imagine many others, including children or teenagers, could gain a lot from it!

[@gelinrefira]

If your children feel like how theremin felt about his mother, you have completely failed as a parent and a person.

[@scottiepfreely]

You're just being cruel. Don't be like the abuser.

[@chem117group4]

It's good to know its not just me. Thank you. I look forward to Part 2.

[@med4800]

Why do I want to have children even less now ? I’m starting to think that my parents being so absent douring my childhood and adolescence was not such a bad thing after all. They did some damage but they were never there, so at least that gave me independence. Recently they ruined the relationship more than ever, all it took was for me to chose a partner they didn’t approve of and this lead to manipulations, insults, guilt tripping, mind games, verbal abuse and even physical aggression. (I’m 25). After over one year of torture and one year of therapy they mean nothing to me, unluckily. I’m grateful for the material things they gave me and for some positive things but after being tricked for so long (they even faked feeling sick) and used guilt to create an opening to strike me where it hurts, I cannot care anymore about them, maybe just about their past positive immage.

[@Toni-lo9ms]

Your Dad reminds of mine and his relationship with my mother. I was left alone with her after I lost him when I was 7, but for all his faults life without his absorption of the worst of her behavior was far worse.

[@danielthornton1633]

I saw this new video when I was referring back to your channel after reading something that said, “knowing how to think empowers you far beyond only knowing what to think.” Then I remembered something you said, that “those who tell you not to think are never your friends.” So I thought I’d check in, and found this new video only hours old, wonderful timing! I don’t have the same relationship with my mother that I used to. Anytime I reach out it starts well, but she manages to slip in miniature guilt-trips in hopes that I’ll “repent” and rejoin the church. When that doesn’t work it becomes forceful, coercive, unbearable. Of the things that have made me weep, nothing has hit harder than the broken relationship between her and I. Will she ever love me and have a relationship with me, without a personal agenda, as my Christian father has? He certainly understands the importance of a healthy relationship, with no religious strings attached. Why can’t she? Over the years, your videos have helped me become comfortable challenging old beliefs, and thinking for myself. Especially your enlightening words on malignant shame, one of my hardest struggles. Thank you so much!

[@tymera]

Well, thank you for sharing. Have a lovely New Year and drive safely.

[@soursewer3279]

Crazy how well timed this video was made as I was just diagnosed with a cluster B disorder myself 😂 love your videos

[@OmzLaw]

This one was very personal and couldn't have come at a better time. There are some parts in the video that sent chills down my spine, having seen so much of this behavior with both my parents at some point or another. I am glad they are on a road of recovery. Thank again for all your hard work❤ I am now using some of your videos as assignments at university for students to watch at home and for discussions to happen in class. One particular video, the one about the indoctrination of religion, caused so much controversy that 5 students dropped the course because they thought I was personally attacking their religion. Ever since I've started incorporating your videos into my instruction, I have been seeing beautiful interactions between the students. Never stop making these ❤️

[@VolcyThoughts]

When the world needed him most, he returned

[@MarcSmith23]

Jeez, I divorced myself from my narc father at only 17. I’m 60 now. Boy, talk about ripping off a 🩹 being so young to make such a monumental decision.

[@adma8D]

Glad to see you back!

[@ParadoxUniverse]

First time I watched your videos I noticed how fitting the music was to your videos ,dramatic ,intense and so mysterious .Now I just noticed it is your own music ,every thing you do tells your story and your story is very much appreciated .Thank you!

[@cancan9469]

So much of this applied to my personal life. I’m 20 now and still navigating my life away from the abusers. I still feel like I’m going mad sometimes but this video is a good reminder of what really happened, that I’m not the bad person they made me believe I was.

[@Photographs-of-Clouds]

I understand. My father didn't protect me. I wish he had. As an adult I feel unworthy of love. Even though I know I am worthy.

[@ryangooseling]

My hubs went through this. He'd been no contact for many years. Her death was a non event. If anything it might have been a relief

[@veloxsouth]

I referred to my mother as my "sponsor". I was a good student and had my basic needs taken care of so she could brag to anyone nearby that she had the best son. It felt more transactional than parental. Differentiating between my father and mother's footsteps was a finely tuned skill.

[@geordiedog1749]

The worst thing about my father dying was a/ I was in another country on holiday and b/ I felt nothing and felt that I should be feeling something and not feeling something meant I was a bad person. But then plenty of folks said to me “your dad was a twat’ and “you’re a very decent bloke”. So I got over it and moved on. I suppose it was the realisation in later life that he was (very) neurodivergent led to me to some degree of understanding. When I ended up working as an RMN I was told that neglect was the worst type of abuse. But I always thought the type you describe is by far the very worst. Your recovery is a credit to you.

[@antediluvianatheist5262]

Classic. You don't feel bad, but you do feel bad that you don't feel bad.

[@geordiedog1749]

@@antediluvianatheist5262 Exactly. Only that’s a much better way of putting it!