THESE are signs YOU were the parentified daughter

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Key points:
0:00 - The parentified daughter
1:17 - Signs you've been parentified
3:38 - Impact of being parentified
6:40 - I want to hear from you

[@OOHyouwish]

Oh look, hey it’s me 👋! Oldest sibling here and I love how everyone always says “you’re so good with people and understanding emotions”. Yall, I was a f’kin therapist to my mom starting at age 5 while having to be a mini adult to my siblings because my dad was always away for work. If anything that comment irritates me because for once I’d love for someone to understand me. It’s the most soul crushing thing, I wish someone would just listen to me…and give me that big bear hug at 36 years old 😢.

[@emaportela4398]

Sending you big bear hug ❤

[@27Marlo]

You are not alone. I feel the same way being the oldest with a single mom battling mental illness. ❤

[@OOHyouwish]

@@emaportela4398 thank you 😭 I needed that ❤️

[@OOHyouwish]

@@27Marlo I’m so sorry ❤️ I’m sending you and your inner child the biggest and tightest hug. I understand, my mom is BPD.

[@OOHyouwish]

@@emaportela4398 thank you so much ❤️ I needed that today. Hugging you back!

[@veni5126]

"Don't remember being joyful, happy or carefree" - this hurts differently

[@YoNeener]

Being a first born, parentified scapegoat is my superpower. After years of experiencing the peace of no contact, I stepped in to help my elderly parents. Nothing has changed in 30 years. My mother still ignores and mocks boundaries. Thirty years and no emotional growth.

[@jules5006]

Sending so much love your way oh my goodness, what you’re doing takes so much strength and I feel awful that I can’t do what you’re doing. My mom has end stage liver failure. Prognosis 6 months-7 years. I can’t bring myself to help her because of no emotional growth, I’m not in a space where I can interact with that

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Thank you for your vulnerability and willingness to share what it has been like reestablishing contact. Sending a lot of love to you ❤

[@ede2362]

For me the funny thing is I was the third of 4 girls but I still got this role, because my father has always been depressed and narcisssistic my mother always came to me to ask to take care of my older siblings and if she had questions about urgent matters and what to do. I also only noticed now how much it still lingered with me that I always had to act older I took care so much of my little sister even if she let her aggressions out at me and I still had the feeling I should be the good child the child you dont have to worry about, I was even proud of that xD. I also took care of my older sister and in the end I feel bad because I feel like I put her in a worse place making her look uncapable, in the end its just because my father never cared enough for us so we had to it and oir mother is oke of the best persons I know but she also had to work for 2 so wasnt there as much and sometimes doesnt accept what really happend back then. The thibg with the memory loss is so real because my sisters are always like oohh do you remember when...no no I dont

[@laerkekerstenable]

I want to really recommend “The Artist’s Way” - a book written by Julia Cameron. To my big surprise when diving into it, it was actually about healing the child in me and letting her express herself - and in that process I “de-parentified” myself as well. I really really recommend this simple and powerful book with gentle little tasks and questions, that really unveil.

[@MarkThrive]

As children, we were also expected to regulate our parent's emotions! We ultimately had to suppress our own emotions for fear of triggering a negative shaming response. Also, they didn't model how to regulate emotions... so we probably entered adulthood expecting others to regulate us as well. Until, I started addressing my childhood CPTSD, I had no capacity to self regulate and understand it's not realistic to expect others to regulate our emotions. Thank you for taking the time to post information about this toxic parenting concept!

[@OOHyouwish]

@@MarkThrive PREACH 👏💯

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Appreciate you taking time to share🙏

[@vonnie959]

Lots of self love, be gentle when talking to yourself, discover your spiritual side, set boundaries with others and find a passion you enjoy. This is what I've learned 💖

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Beautiful lessons you've had the opportunity to learn ❤

[@julieschoolcraft1503]

YES ! I was ! That’s why I never wanted children of my own. Getting blamed for everything and taking abuse from my entire family for not being “ good “ enough even though I was just a child.

[@Xianne027]

Me too!

[@geraldinegranger9186]

Oldest of four in a poor family. My father had mental illness and could not keep a job. This has definitely manifested decades later as raging unfocused resentment. Parents are elderly now and I don’t know how I will cope with their care needs. Please send positive vibes my way. I will need all the help from the universe I can get!

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Sending positive vibes your way. ❤

[@kwkw5711]

Lord have mercy. Break the generational chains and bring healing.

[@naturalhealingmexico]

Yeap! All signs checked....the worst part is these narc parents will become your worst enemies if you don't keep this role, as soon as you stop being "the parent" of them, they smear campaign will start, they are disgraceful beings, guys if you were parentified keep your healing, I wish you all recovery, we all are in this path...thanks Dr Le Pera!

[@danna-dc73]

Feeling like you have to take care of siblings as first daughter when your parents are emotionally unavailable is so real

[@EsmereldaIndigo]

My mom had health issues and I ended up being a caregiver/helper since I could walk. Handing her things that she'd point to since she wasn't able to bend and lift. Carrying groceries for her. Getting into my car seat on my own. And it went from there to the point where we joked "who is the parent and who is the child?!" when I got older. I was a little adult my whole childhood. When I would want something on my own or do/create a pattern in the business we had together, I felt my needs, wants, ideas, urges, and desires were unheard, unmet: "Don't worry about that now." I got used to my ideas, creativity and independence being ignored or met with whining. I never felt supported. When I participated in activities, I felt like a bother. I have dealt with exhaustion and burn out. Also, anger. I am everyone's rock, reliable. But it's exhausting. I feel when I need help or having trouble functioning, I'm told I'm lazy or I've "got it." I had to learn to read energy and emotions: My mom had major thyroid issues so I never knew if she'd be normal, on the peak high energy, "brain dead" stupor, or psycho yelling angry. I have had to walk on eggshells to make sure I wasn't a trigger.

[@wonderwend1]

* hug *

[@justshookie4484]

It's hard to say but I've done this to my daughter. She is the oldest as well. Now it's time to got me to apologize and not correct but fix the relationship.

[@ElvenChaos]

I don't understand why so many people have kids when they shouldnt. I knew from a young age (early teens) that I wouldnt have kids, because of my own trauma. And yet so many adults just have kids ...unknowingly?! How?! Its bizarre to me.

[@Sieggis]

I wasn't supposed to get a kid of my own either. Then crisis over both grandpas dying a week apart. I gave a month to myself to get over it and that horrible need to get a child. It didn't pass. So in my crisis brain I thought that this is how ppl feel when they want to have a baby. And my ex had begged for a baby for 4 years already. So. I went with that feeling. Miscarriage didn't help either. More crisis. Pressured to go work. And then right after the next cycle, pregnant again. Now divorced and our kid living between us... Definitely not something I ever wanted for him. Not to mention that ex is not-so-good parent or person, but I lost in court while fighting over custody, because they know how to seem good and nice and likable. But I do my everything to support my boy, my child, that should have never been born to this kind of a situation. It's not his fault. And I will do my absolute best to be there for him and give and teach all the skills to navigate this life. I'm no way perfect and there are a lot of ppl with different stories. This was mine and I hope it gave you a bit of perspective.

[@mackamacmillan5875]

Why I decided at young age of 12 to never have children and made sure it didn't happen.

[@Eve.N1782]

@@ElvenChaos thank you for your wisdom! 🙏🏼

[@lexpixie1689]

Same here. I knew at my teens I didn't want kids. The trauma led into adulthood with no capacity to even understand myself. I agree, it truly buffles me how people simply hand down their crap to their childern with no remorse.

[@npats550]

@@nadineibarra8279, Sometimes there's no choice. People who have been SA'd as a child or adult. A refusal to use protection. I think it was called "stealth bombing", a few years ago, when a person would put a raincoat on Mr. Happy, then right before "entering", would take it off " because it "felt better". Ignorance. Then Roe vs Wade was overturned. Cultural beliefs like demonic possession. Ties in with religious dogma too. Lack of time and or resources. The horrors I saw when working in health, thank God it was a very few ppl that I saw personally.

[@lexpixie1689]

White board and point form helps so much. Take me back to my teens days when I would have liked this information. Better late then never. Please keep posting. I am learning so much; a new world of existence.

[@lauragadille3384]

Once my sister moved out and went no contact,it became my responsibility to care for the cousins and nieces that visited my grandparents every weekend. I was the maid, the provider, the therapist etc, on top of keeping my grades at a high standards in school. I wanted to work to get a break but my job was Suzy homemaker. I vowed to myself that I would never feel trapped being pregnant and barefoot slaving over a man. I'm 45 no kids no marriage, I'm only responsible for myself and my cat

[@elishagadate]

💙 I resonate with your share so much

[@LiveYourBestLifeAlways-j8g]

I love this back to the drawing board approach. Bring it back. Not sure if I have missed something, but I like this style of presentation. Like you used to do. it is brief and to the point. My ADHD needs this.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Thank you for this feedback! ❤

[@lexpixie1689]

Me too. This helps me a lot. I need simple instructions and white board take me back to my teens when all this information would have been great to know.. Call this technique "transceding time and space"

[@zee-zm1io]

First daughter here. This is me

[@cameliaturda6472]

💜

[@candicesturtevant196]

❤❤

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Appreciate you sharing that you can relate. Sending love to you❤

[@kimberlysoto3490]

Yes. And as stupid as it may sound feeling any sense of peace, joy, or anything genuinely good, now either terrifies me or bores me and I tend to somehow find a way to screw it up. It’s like I can never win. Oldest of all the kids.

[@silviavousden3316]

My mother was an alcoholic and I could not invite friends round in case she was passed out in the kitchen. I would have to make dinner for myself and my brother and sister. I was eventually taken into care.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing what it was like for you. Sending a lot of love to you and your inner child❤

[@mercysmartt9765]

Oh my gosh that's rough. You deserved so so much better ❤️

[@JenMorris-t8j]

Thank you so much for this video!! I can’t wait for the next one. I feel like you’re speaking DIRECTLY to me on almost every point. I can’t even explain how much just being seen has mattered to me.

[@danajohnson323]

I am the first born. It was always my role to take care of my siblings. From age 11 I was the cook, mom, cleaner, mediator between my parents, between my parents and siblings and my siblings. If anything went wrong, I was to blame.

[@lisathehomie]

I was parentified by my parents and siblings as a child and an adult. I have suffered a lot feeling responsible for everyone but myself. I often felt overwhelmed, anxious and depressed. I neglected myself and fell really ill. Now, i am in a much better place. I feel God has healed me from that emotional trauma. I no longer feel guilty for caring for myself and have set the boundaries i need. Coincidently, my health problems have drastically decreased and I feel young again and the healthiest in my life❤

[@maddi3582]

I experienced a kind of default parentification: my bro was born w physical issues (thankfully resolved after numerous ops throughout his childhood). He also struggled at school. I was younger and very bright. Consequently, he got the attention that was needed, I got the expectation. I appeared very capable. More recently, have realised there was jealousy towards me from my family, probably stemming from mum's awful childhood, dad's chauvinism, my bro's issues. I was labelled stroppy by my immediate family, but seen as quite introverted (lacking in confidence) by school and friends. The thing with parentification is the resentment. You're 'built up' by your immediate family, but then they knock you down and back because they project you as 'getting ideas above your station' . Quite a lose-lose situation, really. Years later, I'm enjoying my liberation... it's never too late to be your true self 😉 👌

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

So glad you are liberated from all and are your true self now. That's really wonderful. Appreciate your vulnerability and sharing❤

[@sophiacromwell8017]

Your description is 💯 dead on…. Looking forward to hearing/ watching next week’s vid! Thank you.

[@supraman160]

first son, pretty much all those boxes are ticked... Pretty much Same for guys. i recently worked through 30 years of that anger frustration.... Never felt so free and light. I wish it to everyone.

[@Eve.N1782]

@@supraman160 good on you!

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

So grateful to hear you have worked through that anger/frustration and are feeling free and light now. Thank you for sharing!

[@SavvyScribblin]

This hits home. Im so very tired.

[@caraziegel7652]

i had some awareness of this by high school because i was doing the grocery shopping, taking the dogs to the vet, when the TV died I found a repair shop and took it in, I did order taking and shipping for my parents amway business, and i was often alone with my sister who is probably borderline. i realized i was overwhelmed being alone at home because there was just so much on me. Oh and i was blamed for the death of a dog. My parents both worked full time and my mom was often out of town overnight and I realized I was filling in for her role in many ways, my dad depended on me and eventually seemed to like me more? as an adult it took a while until I didnt get panicky being left home alone. but the guilt over sibling - i'm not sure i recognized that as part of it, exaclty

[@patriciasutherland923]

Thank you for your clear videos. I so appreciate you listing things out and explaining each point. I am healing from lots of childhood trauma--it is so helpful when I see that it wasn't my fault that I ended up so 'kooky', and that everything isn't my fault.

[@kirstierowan2752]

I absolutely love these videos. Even though its a horrible reminder of my childhood, you still help me move forward & away from these feelings. Im 48 & feel everything on the impact list! Thank you for helping me/us move forward 🙏 ❤❤❤

[@j.andrysewicz6209]

Nicole it's great you talk about it, when there is awareness there can be a change for the better, it can be freedom from those patterns❤

[@cal9112]

Thats me!! Eldest daughter, my father died when l was 11 , parenting my mother siblings and everyone around me, now l am 66 , married for 40 years, my sister ( deceased) and l decided not to have kids because not being able to cope with such HUGE responsability, 4 years ago decided not trying fix everyone's problems out of exhaustion , being there for family, friends.. But nobody for me, fed up with people and now couldn' t care less about anyone, greetings from Barcelona

[@midheaven_mimi]

As a first born child & daughter who came up in a Haitian household, I sadly identify with most of this. Makes me have compassion for my adult self & inner child, though I know this will only last briefly, then I’ll be right back to being my own worst critic. Looking forward to the next video! Thank you for your work 🫶🏾

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

So glad you are giving your adult self and inner child this compassion. Thank you for being here. ❤

[@_staceyreid]

You just described every single aspect of my life😮😢

[@nathalieduverna6963]

I was the second child. Mostly the child she blamed for messing up a lot and also the child she wanted to live out all her dreams. I was picked on the most and disciplined the hardest while given the hardest chores and disregarded for anything I liked or wanted to do. Which child am I??

[@Eve.N1782]

As if the subject of ancestral healing wasnt enough for today, this made me feel depressed!! What is this with only the oldest/first born can be the scapegoat??? I am the scapegoat, i am the only one who is able to see and understand what is actually happening. I was the second born. I have always felt unwanted and needed to be the better adult to keep the peace. My sister, who is the first born, was playing allong with the narcistic games, she was not able to stand her ground, ended up suffering with borderline personality issues. And now has become a mother...... And that my friends, is how generational trauma is being passed on.

[@melinda-elisatatar4253]

I don't think it matters the order of birth, what matters is you don't bend their way that's why it falls unto you unfortunately 😢 I feel you ❤ sending hugs and love to you. May you have the support you deserve ❤

[@Eve.N1782]

​@@melinda-elisatatar4253thank you! The whole ancestral healing thing yesterday made everything worse. To much healing for 1 person in 1 lifetime. Thank you for your empathy! 🙏🏼

[@ILikeBigCatsAndICannotLie]

I worried so much for anything my mom had to deal with, big and small.

[@pooja09]

Only daughter 😢 Can relate.

[@nurejannat4029]

A playlist option could help better to follow the healing journey. Anyway, thanks for your wonderful job 🖤

[@Prodrig817]

I am looking forward to next week’s video telling us how to begin to heal. 🎉

[@AuntyE-yq5rh]

Holy 💩 ! This is me! Everything you've said is me...wanting the TV family as mine, taking care of my mom and siblings, worrying about the bills getting paid, don't get me started on the love bombing...

[@beingilluminous]

This definitely showed up yesterday for me as it was my teens who were raised in a healthy way that helped with the crisis when I was the victim. We worked together as a team, my mother, however, could only come out and talk about how much pain I must’ve been in, there was no way she could even think of how to care for me in that moment of crisis, and that struck me how I attracted a lot of partners who also felt incapable of taking care of themselves or another when the time was needed. I raised my kids to be children when they were children and then as they’ve grown into teens, they’ve grown into new skill sets. One became a lifeguard, and that was the one who was able to use her training to help me. I am so grateful for videos like your own with you’re helping us. Identify exactly why we struggle so much and our expectations of life are so distorted. I’m also very grateful that my kids have a much better chance of not growing up struggling like I have because of content and the culture shift so thank you for everything you do 🙌🏻✨👏🏻

[@Secretzstolen]

Omg the amount of TV shows i watched about families and practically made myself an adoptee of TV families just to feel better about my life and family i cannot even tell you

[@jessiematthews6339]

I would really like to see something about how all of this affects only children. Growing up, there were no siblings, so I got to fill all the roles - the Golden Child, the Scapegoat, the Lost Child, etc. There were no siblings to lean on, so I had to rely on myself and ended up internalizing EVERYTHING. My parents were addicts. My mom has BPD and experienced extreme mood swings and rage explosions over the tiniest things. I now have an extremely avoidant personality and am terrified of conflict. I tend to see my role as being the one to smooth everything over and make it ok. I resort to dishonesty frequently to avoid making people upset, to resolve conflict quickly, or to keep the peace. The thought of having difficult conversations or (god forbid!) having an actual confrontation makes me extremely anxious, to the point of being sick. Because my parents both struggled having appropriate peer friendships, I was very parentified and ended up taking care of both of them in ways I shouldn't have had to as a child. I was the kid everyone would joke was "3 going on 35."

[@lyssgraves612]

As a guardian who experienced what's being spoken of and has a daughter (only child) now, I do my very best to be vigilant and aware to not play this out with my daughter. Admitaly, there are moments ... Thank you for bringing it up cause it's a fucking thing that can play out. Big hugs and many blessings.

[@anaviana2641]

Yes all you say is true. The adult me has lived through so many messed up relationships because of this horrible conditioning. I recon learning about boundries (self love and respect and who I really am, my own value towards myselves) is key to healing from ALL the very hurtful and toxic people that I drew into my life. Wish they could taught this life skill in schools but of course the schools have their own hidden agendas to program us /society to be fools so that systems can take advantage of our ignorance / unawareness. Thank you for your very informative practical videos I can understand ❤

[@ozywomandius2290]

I hope there will be a son version of this too! Thank you Nicole.

[@MissBlueEyeliner]

I was the second daughter but this was me. I had a sister 4 years older who was always sick and a little brother 11 years younger. I got a taste of being the youngest, the middle and the eldest and it’s a big old ball of weird.

[@parhamrashti8230]

I actually have to teach very simple things to my parents, how to sit down for meals, use fork, how to looking after them selves etc. and it really overwhelmed me, since I feel I don’t have no one to care me and the people who actually must take care of me, needs me to care them.

[@spacegirl226]

Wow. Wow. Wow. 100% yes. I feel completely validated. Thank you, Nicole.

[@pinkchilldivestmentor]

This is great I commented at your X thread about this under a different name and you spoke back to me. I was describing to you what happens in the fatherless black American community to girls. Overall, black girls have much harder than the boys if you are an outsider, you may not believe it, but it’s true black girls are socialized to protect and cover for the boys. You know, to protect them from all the so-called bad stuff and nobody is protecting the girls if they don’t have a dedicated father.

[@melinda-elisatatar4253]

That must be so difficult to deal with 😢 I hope you are better and will be better and get the support you deserve ❤

[@googlemenow144]

I grew up with my father having narcissistic tendencies and my mother was codependent with some serious things she needed to work on as well. I mediated a lot of their fights from a young age and was brought into my father’s affair. I also was the caretaker of my 4 younger siblings from the time I was 10. I never realized how deeply this affected me. I have always known this was not right but this really bring clarity. I am apart of your self healers circle and it has helped me so much. Thank you so much for all that you do.

[@flormarthas.ferreira4318]

Great video as always! Thanks! All you said aplays to me but the lack of focus was a realy new and relevant information. This strughle creates a sort of dificulty in discover what we want and made me always learn and do things in a hurry like a busy mother, so I got the grades, but do not enjoy the process. I can't wait for your video about how to heal from this. Best wishes for you and your lovely daughther with her cute pinguim. All your videos help a lot.

[@terigallegos5518]

All thee above!!! And then some! At 58 I'm just now figuring out who I am, and what I like!!! My motto now..... "To thy own self be true"❤

[@AlizzaBliss]

I was an only-child but everything else was 💯 me.

[@listentotheanimalscreamsha1511]

You dodged the siblings are a narc just like the f up parent curse. Big hugs.

[@ladyfae4797]

I'm also an only child, and every other box is definitely checked for me

[@mbarcco]

😢this hurts listening too 😒

[@doingthehealingjourney]

So relateable thank you xx

[@Kbradgn]

Oldest daughter in a poor family is here. I felt guilt for a loong time because my family had to support me for my education. And they made sure that it is never forgotten. İm 33 now and realizing that taking care of me and looking after my needs... These were their job. And i m no longer in debt. İ m free

[@iw9338]

Thanks very much, you are doing great work.

[@houseof_hani]

I’m so glad you are touching this subject. It opened my eyes to so many things I had never noticed. Looking forward to the next video ❤

[@Star-333]

All so true. It’s even worse when you have a bipolar narcissistic mother and a narcissistic father AND they have addiction issues. You can do a whole separate video on that. Parentified x a million

[@rookiequasar5763]

I’m the youngest of several, but due to a multitude of issues in my family both immediate and extended, I’ve ALWAYS believed it was my job even as a tiny child to be the one to be the rock for my mom and siblings. That it was my responsibility to be the light, the easy one, to not get into any trouble at all lest I add more to my family’s issues. Only the last couple years have I realized how absolutely wrong my mentality was, how much I’ve been carrying the cross for my mother in particular, how responsibility for my messed up older (eldest sibling of the group, pampered and spoiled and without repercussion) brother was thrust on my shoulders due to a perceived affection towards me that in reality, doesn’t really exist. Now I’ve been resisting the emotional turmoil I have for years been forced to manage, pushing my mom to find resources and counseling as gently as I can due to her significant emotional immaturity. She isn’t a bad person, but she has problems, and they’ve often been made my problems, because she doesn’t make friends and views her children as her only support network. Sounds real healthy, right? Her childhood was messed up with violence and conflict, and it’s twisted her perceptions of what a healthy family dynamic is. Things got better for her as she got older, but then she met my trash heap of a sire, and with their marriage came a completely new danger to her family she’d never seen coming. She was very naive, and religious beliefs blinded her to the cruelty until finally she learned something was really, really wrong. I am NOT her caretaker. I am NOT her therapist. I am NOT her only friend. I am her child, now grown, who now is unable to healthily, happily support her because all the support and energy and trust I had to give was used up growing up- a child managing a grown woman’s compacted trauma and lack of real, sincere coping. I don’t want to live the rest of our lives together being her emotional crutch. It’s not right. It has never been right, especially not her extreme outbursts I have to sit through and suppress all my own emotions to endure safely. She is not safe for me to express myself wholeheartedly, because she can go from listening and attentive to complete shutdown and/or outrage. Often not even understanding what my point was in the first place because she never let me finish. Only after she cools down can I MAYBE go back and review with her, but not always. She needs therapy, but puts off the idea and skips it. Even if I did get therapy myself, life wouldn’t really change, because her way of reacting would keep me stuck in safer old ways. Threats to move or get rid of my cats for not being totally okay with the things she does tends to keep me quiet, but I’m not the problem child, and I hate when she directs all her frustration towards me even when she catches herself and apologizes for it. Because it will happen again. She knows my language for apology, she understands it, yet, nothing changes, which is all I want. Just for her to really grow up, not get more obtuse and resistant to truth despite her saying she wants honesty. Sorry this doesn’t really tell much, I’m trying not to share too much in case I decide to show her any of your videos, if she should ever find them.

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

Wow. You just explained my life.

[@Daisy-di9mn]

I’m not the first born actually the last(out of two) and even with an older sister I was the parentified daughter because my sister has her own issues, etc On top of parents being divorced, both remarried and then divorced again 🥴🙃 So thankful to be able to work on this in therapy now as an adult now. Because this is me to a “T”

[@heyerikan]

Me too. I’m the youngest but felt like a third parent.

[@nildameers3772]

I believe this role can happen to males as well

[@kimberlysoto3490]

I agree. But from what I’ve seen, thankfully males seem to be more prone to rebel and find a way to either leave or distract themselves enough to where they aren’t sucked in entirely to the family dynamics.

[@AsifRaza-oq4nb]

The oldest son here. Father always emotionally and physically unavailable. Mother always relying upon me to talk and share her grief and loneliness. Younger sibling to be guided, taught, and to set a good example towards. Always the sane and grounded one in a family of 3 born rebels. Have been advising my parents conflicts and near-divorce arguments since early teenage. I'm 28 and it took me therapy to find out if theres any other happiness other than pleasing my parents and family, especially my mother.

[@amsiekam]

Im gonna name a few effects of being a Parentified child which I noticed in myself: A) Feeling obligated to help people around me and going out of the way to help people (even when unasked for). Got used, cheated on by toxic people as a result. Many others didn’t value me or my time or my efforts. Some even took credit for my work. B) Emotionally getting involved to the extent that I felt people’s problems are my problems. C) inability to feel myself- see my strengths or achievements. D) Maintaining relationships were more important than how those relationships made me feel. Inability to navigate through my emotions, consider my emotions as important. E) People pleasing even at the cost of my health and well being. F) taking responsibility for fixing relationships that didn’t work out and self blame. I’m grateful that I realized things in time and I’m on my path to healing!

[@clararob9869]

Can you do a video on the youngest child, who always got the dregs of life. Was always the last in line, always given the rubbish option because the older siblings took precedence, always ignored, told they didn't need "help" because they were so capable. Basically totally ignored and neglected. I wish I was the older sibling, at least they were seen

[@kimberlysoto3490]

@@clararob9869 Oldest sibling here and only seen when someone needed something or when I was making them proud. And even when I was making them proud it absolutely sucked because then the comparing would start. I believe this caused my siblings to resent me a lot. But there was nothing I could do because even though I spoke up, it fell on deaf ears.

[@clararob9869]

@@kimberlysoto3490 imagine all of that you felt and bullying, insults,, frustration of your older siblings being dumped on you because you as the youngest are the easy target and last in line for the bucket of toxicity to pour into. As the youngest there was no one to pour our toxicity into. The youngest has no voice at all because not only do the parents talk for you and dont listen but so do your siblings. Again I would prefer to be the oldest, at least you were at the top of the bucket of toxicity amd not at the end of the line.

[@kimberlysoto3490]

@@clararob9869 I hope I didn’t come off as trying to be invalidating (I know I can seem that way sometimes). It’s something I’m still working on. If so, I’m sorry. I just meant to say I don’t think it matters much where you are in the line. They target whatever they see as a weakness. My siblings would sometimes team up with my mother to do the same. They didn’t really understand what was going on when they were younger so they would take her side and only see my reactions as disrespectful. I remember an instance where I finally had it and I started shouting anything and everything I could think of. I admit I was in a more altered state than I had ever been so that maybe could’ve justified my siblings’ actions. But they decided that day to join my mother and push me onto the bed, throw themselves on top of me to restrain me (according to them). I remember not being able to breathe too well. But that’s not even what got me the most. What got me the most is how willing everyone was to take sides without even bothering to ask for my side of things. Even then, I couldn’t begin to imagine how you must’ve felt not having a voice at all. I’m sorry about that and I wish it weren’t like that for any of us. I was lucky enough to at least have my grandmother who wasn’t great all the time. As a matter of fact, a lot of the time she served as the source of the problem. However, there were also many times when she would lend a listening ear and I could see that for her a lot a what she did to us was just what she had experienced and learned. Of course that doesn’t make it ok at all, but somehow it made it make sense for me and allowed me to not feel so unloved and unwanted all the time. At least not by her. We bonded through cooking.

[@amelianna6004]

Sadly it was an absolute shitshow for all the kids in my family. My youngest sister definitely had such a hard time though. Mum was so angry with my dad that I was left to look after the littlest, but it shouldn't have been that way. I left home when I was 17, she was only 7 years old. It was really hard for her. 😢

[@amelianna6004]

You just need that one person who really sees you! Mines was my great gran ... ❤ ​@@kimberlysoto3490

[@ilee2196]

I didn't know I was parentified in a young age. I became a people pleaser not just to my parent but friends, spouse, and just people around me. During the separation, I got to know how my childhood affect me into adulthood, my friendship, my marriage, and people around me. I am/was furious about my parent and myself. It is truly painful to know that I have to be the parent to love the child within me, that my parent is not able to so and I should expect that either. It was super painful that I was looking for the parental love at all the wrong place, friends, spouse, or just people around me. When I just have to learn to how to be the parent to love myself. It was/is painful to accept and do it to myself. But I think perhaps that is the only way to heal at this moment.

[@333Lovelylaura]

It's important to recognize there's a difference between parents being smart enough to give their children opportunities to learn cooking skills, contribute to family decisions and they heard in things they have to say about siblings and even their parents. I lived having some parent responsibilities, so I worked hard to not have my children have the burden of being parentified and also have tools to go forth in the world feeling confident in themselves being able to wash & iron clothes, make a meal or two, be responsible for money and home care while also allowing this learning to be age appropriate.

[@cameliaturda6472]

52 primogenitus here , a sister , kid's of a violent , alchoolic and suicidal father and a codependent mother .I was the only " confident " of my mom , when beated , humiliated , violeted ... My brother and i we work from very eary age's when they build our home , in the field or as caretakers for ten's of pig's , cow's , sheep's ( to have something to eat ) . We were raise as " responsible " citizen's , they " build " our caracter's , they teach us in a hard way , because life is " hard " . Only when i become a mom i start to ask myself what is love and why a sick parent distroy's the other one and the cildren , too . I was married once and tried another " love " telationship between my 20 and my 40 ; i have no tolerance for any sign of violence and alcoolism , so , i am in peace and paid whit " solitude " . Love all of you , from Romania .

[@amelianna6004]

You deserve a lovely safe life now. Not being controlled or abused by anyone. And having lots of freedom. 😊

[@myINFJlife]

This was me, and sadly I guess my oldest to an extent. However, and though there was a ton of trauma for the fact my parents pretty much neglected my brother and me, I found it valuable to have these responsibilities because they have allowed me to be a better mother to my children now. I think it’s important for kids to do chores and to learn how to care for others. However… it is equally important to see when a child needs a break and let them go and be. (It’s important for adults, too… ijs)

[@dianeatpeace337]

Well synopsized! Target hit. 🎯

[@jadedixon3641]

This was me. I don't want kids. I already have 2 great kids. Their names are Mom and Dad. I was the adult in the house from the day I was born and I'm tired of it.

[@ashanein]

It was confusing because i was the golden child. And the youngest. I do remember having some joy in my childhood and being praised for being my mother's extension but not carefree. It gets confusing, since both my older sister and mother are emotionally immature. Being called my mother's confidant and also being expected to be my older sister's therapist really messed with my head.

[@DandLucy]

Checked every one!

[@Proverbs31.1]

This is very interesting. I'm also curious about the parentified son?

[@cdclydesdale]

Yes, I’m curious about it too and feel it should be the same.

[@Proverbs31.1]

@@cdclydesdale I do think the way girls and boys would be parentified has to be different. Equally bad, but different.

[@OOHyouwish]

I’m also interested as a female eldest daughter. Ngl I have always been in my “masculine” since an early age, and I cry/wish I’m able to get out of it in this lifetime and give that power to my partner. Unfortunately, I’ve always picked men who are emotionally unavailable (welcome to the cycle), which is extremely defeating and reminds me of my parents. Not sure if you resonate with this, but just giving my feedback as a female ❤ Sending you a big bear hug to you and your inner child right now ❤

[@Proverbs31.1]

@@OOHyouwish Thanks for replying! As a Christian I can tell you, first of all, that the struggle is so difficult and that with God all things are possible and you can always ask God for help. I don’t know any other fix for such painful situations.

[@Eve.N1782]

@@Proverbs31.1 didnt she made a video about that earlier this week??

[@alexishill3342]

I was the firstborn of my father. I have an older sister who is the firstborn of my mother. When my sister left to go into the military at 18, I became the parent of my grandma, mom, and 3 younger siblings. I have every problem you have discussed, and I have no idea how to fix it. I'm pissed at my mom.

[@iannickolas2990]

Hi, I was the youngest sibling, but I was the one who was parentified. My brothers are from a different father, so my mother was fighting to get their love. Me, I was the unwanted child that they couldn't be bothered with. I was told countless times that I was a mistake and that she didn't want to deal with me because she gave enough to her three first and that she never wanted a 4th anyway. I was used as a therapist and a punching bag. I was told that if I talked about it to anyone, she would commit suisse hide and I would be to blame. That is my mother, but believe me, my father was worse. I am now happy by the way, my mother realized she was horrible to me and changed her behavior. Although she never apologized, I decided to forgive her because I want a mother and she treats me more like a daughter now.

[@estherkamocherobinson7062]

This happens alot and considered normal in my culture both as an immigrant family and in my ethnic group. Not going to feel sorry for myself today. Some parental responsibility from time to time is okay within a functional family structure.

[@Elemenohpea440]

I think it depends on the intention. If kids are taking care of younger siblings because their parents can’t, that’s very different than asking an older child to babysit and compensating them. Or giving kids chores. As long as parents are doing the home management and delegating appropriately, expect in kids to take some responsibility at home is fine, IME. My kids are extremely capable, and they’re very proud of themselves for being able to handle domestic stuff that other kids can’t. That being said, if they have a ton of school work or extra curriculars, I’ll do the chores for them. School and extra curricula’s come first

[@npnpnp858]

What hurts is that my mom did bettew with my siblings. But also happy for them

[@simabennifla8650]

yep this explains my upbringing.

[@cameliaturda6472]

Can you imagine that for one ou us you are the only validation of this kind ??? Love you 💜

[@Xianne027]

OMG! That's me! 😮

[@mels6208]

Well if ya didn't hit the nail on the head. Thankfully I was an only child. So all the trauma is MINNNEEEE!!!! heh. No really, this is very enlightening information and I am looking forward to the healing part. Thank you so much for spelling out what parentification means.

[@eatnplaytoday]

My oldest sister was parentified and then she and my parents tried to do the same to me (the youngest daughter). They don’t even talk to my older brother. They went straight to me for almost all issues as an adult

[@language-n-learning]

This is true for parentified sons too. What might be some differences between parentified sons and parentified daughters?

[@DoreenWeed]

Oldest daughter syndrome. The "fixer". I had to go to my room until I could come out and be good. But "good" didn't have a definition.

[@amyleigh7624]

Never a child, always the parent.

[@christopherburkemccandless2354]

A lot of this could apply to a son as well

[@cindy7733]

Thank you so much for your videos! Could you please make a video about infantilization?

[@mountain85]

I completely agree 💯

[@sierrac4157]

First born oldest daughter here.

[@TraumaRex]

Survivor daughter here. Yeah.

[@mercysmartt9765]

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick! Yay 😮‍💨

[@spoken4eternity]

What happens when EVERY single sign applies?? 😭 …. Mannnn oh mannn!!! The work I have been undoing

[@spoken4eternity]

… side note … one thing good came of this. Acknowledging to heal. Extremely hard work yet heart work. I even just released a book of it. If anyone is interested on Goodreads ‘It is not personal but it is PERSONAL’ 😌❤️‍🩹🤍

[@Sovereignlupi]

Parentified daughter can happen in the reverse with big age gaps between siblings and disability, or more than one sibling be Parentified

[@jenniemama]

All of this! 🎯💯

[@Sally-ih6ls]

Why does there have to be labels for everything, can’t we all move on with life….its done now what can you do, resent parents and estranged from them?

[@ChrissyScavezze]

Pretty much my childhood!😢

[@arianebennion]

This happened to me and then I accidentally dud thisbto my kids because I was still broken.

[@AnatoliaElle]

This is me but I'm the youngest

[@kerry5377]

Is it possible to be parentified as the youngest child? (due to my sisters being adopted, I was the youngest child, but my parents' first born) Because I'm resonating with a number of these signs and impact points. 🤔

[@emma24ism]

I was older but my little sister was adopted, she had behavioural issues, it was not fun, and I was not the best substitute parent at 12 years older than her. I suspect its possible that because adopted kids might be incapable of being 'parentified' then that role goes to whichever child is able to fit the role the best.