Tim Minchin - If I Didn't Have You - Full Uncut Version

Tim Minchin's take on love and relationships. Hilarious.
For all official Tim Minchin stuff. (Which this isn't, I'm just a fan)
Please be decent and visit www.timminchin.com or his official fan site at www.angry-feet.com

[@fayeandollie4066]

Possiby inspired by Voltaire, who wrote: "if I was not with you, my dear, I would no doubt be with someone else. But how nice that I have chosen you, and you have chosen me, instead of all those others."

[@jordanfinch6247]

That's pretty nice. In a way, that makes love between two people *more* valuable

[@benturner6888]

Maybe, he is a genius but it's just a plain and simple fact, Voltaire is what nearly 500 yrs he's predecessor. I'm sure some one quoted something close as Voltaire 1000yrs prior, Tim would piss himself if he reads he is being compared to Voltaire and as ludicrous as myself

[@alexismontez4230]

@@benturner6888 Voltaire was about 1700-1750 ish

[@Guy1ncognito]

@@benturner6888 Tim (sort of) compares himself to Voltaire in his own song, Dark Side. So I reckon he's on board with the comparison.

[@torniquetemain]

a little late but where did he say that?

[@The7wc]

"It's not quite as sad as it sounds... but it's pretty fucking close." Tim is amazing

[@emanggitulah4319]

Feckin Savage 🤣🤣🤣

[@Conniebobbles]

I lost it at "I don't think you're special. I mean, I think you're special but, you fall within a bell curve". Love his honesty! 🤣🤣

[@Crimethoughtfull]

It is a strangely uncommon fact that *this* is, actually, the most romantic song in human history. ;-)

[@rowanaboat4523]

That is statistically very unlikely.

[@Julesltdr]

@@rowanaboat4523 Romance is in the brains and endocrine system of the beholder, though. (and don't believe those who say that this detracts in any way from the value of romance) Statistically, this could be the most romantic song in history for a large number of people.

[@Spookydeathasian]

Followed closely by I Wanna Grow Old With You by Adam Sandler.

[@TheNefastor]

@@rowanaboat4523 It falls within the bell curve.

[@spooky6723]

This reads like a line from hitchhikers guide

[@DannieShaw1993]

The way he kind of squeels "she made me like this" is so cute and makes me laugh EVERY time.

[@SteelTheStoic]

This helped me through a really traumatizing breakup. I was sad because the woman I thought was my soul mate didn't want me anymore. I was miserable, then I saw this video, and it helped me heal. Tim, if I ever meet you, I'll make it a point to tell you just how much this means to me.

[@peneleapai]

Awww thats brilliant 💗🏋🏾‍♀️💗🏋🏿‍♂️💗 Hope everyting is 1000% better now

[@EricaGamet]

This song had the exact same effect on my life after a breakup from a very long relationship. Made me feel like it was going to be okay!

[@MissBophaLokei]

hey it's been 6 years, how did you find a new soul mate?

[@evildonkey7701]

I’m there now, never heard this before but it’s really helped pull me out of a dark mood.

[@carolinehaf21]

He is worth seeing in concert and he does do meet and greets. Amazing guy.

[@fifimsp]

I love the little wiggle dance!

[@Pebble_Collector]

+fifi msp We all love the little wiggle dance.

[@gwho]

+fifi msp where is it in the vid?

[@damianmc5209]

+fifi msp I keep thinking of Tony the Fish when he does it XD

[@daedalusgraphicdesign2144]

Damian Mc Tony the fish what a throwback

[@Crimethoughtfull]

That little wiggle dance is awesome!

[@Master_Exploder5000]

3 reasons why this is the best love song 1. It's sweet 2. It's honest 3. It's written by Tim Minchin

[@jamiechapman5142]

its not a song about love its a song about maths

[@emanggitulah4319]

As all his other songs are too

[@bonniea8189]

Take a listen to "I'll Take Lonely Tonight"

[@Biodebatable]

Personally I am a big fan of "You Grew On Me"

[@Emanon...]

Still a brilliant love song. My then girlfriend was insulted. My wife now (same woman) has a smile everytime I put this on.

[@valeriafontoura8850]

Smart choice you made

[@Chicklo11]

This will be played at my wedding

[@MiloshVictory]

that would be just like heaven

[@jandavan129]

Lol! I love the cure!

This one seems too strong and many people would not understand. I decided for You grew on me :)

[@camcam_burger]

nah play it at your 25th anniversary, more relevant.

[@emilyjewelle3301]

Cameron B I think the 10th seems more appropriate. 😅

[@wanderingowl6386]

"so what's your favorite song by tim minchin?" "i like the one where he does an impression of a sleeping baby for a looooooooooooooong time"

[@Ergoperidot]

Nice, Game Grumps on a Tim Minchin video.

[@CasperUK31]

The one taken directly from Billy Connoly in "Billy and Albert"

[@EdMcStinko]

I had a hard time breathing after listening to his baby impression, that was hilarious.

[@genarodriguez7875]

it was so accurate, I nearly died choking on my own laugh because I have a child XD

[@Whackjob]

Tim Minchin, when he first started performing, took his shoes off as a way of dealing with the nervousness of performing in front of a lot of people. It's his variant of the "pretend everyone is naked" routine. It was different enough to where people took note of it, and now he does it because it is expected of him. That, and it still makes him comfortable.

[@enter_feeling6042]

"The next song requires a boot

[@APersonTM]

Thanks! I actually was kind of wondering about why he did that

[@Whackjob]

@@APersonTM You're welcome.

[@ThePixel1983]

​@@enter_feeling6042A very good song about a "good" book!

[@chronicprocrastina]

I just discovered this man today. I have a feeling my life is about to get really good.

[@davidreynolds4684]

And weird!

[@spmoran4703]

It will .

[@rufus1346]

did it?

[@LostandFoundTravel]

"Bell Curve" in a pop song. So great.

[@Eriyonai]

Dakota Cooper 4:44 he says 'bell curve'

[@hunter398]

Dakota Cooper You'll learn when you're older.

[@tomfleming7850]

Dakota Cooper Normally distributed

[@italianita7119]

Whats bell curve?

[@tomfleming7850]

It's an interactive graph which rings when it reaches the highest number. Usually over 9000.

[@krrez]

Not that anyone cares about my opinion, but one more vote for "not sexist". I don't understand how it is sexist to say "If I was not dating you we'd both be dating other people and they might be better or they might be worse, but don't get me wrong I do really like you." Like, where does sex or gender even come into that?

[@Pebble_Collector]

+krrez Because sexism is the new fashionable thing to get into; most don't have a clue what they're talking about or what the ideology is all about therefore spurt bullshit out of their mouth at rapid succession in order to conform to the way society is going.

[@krrez]

Haha, dude I will talk about sexism all day. I can talk your ear right off about male privilege. One could accuse me of having a hair trigger for seeing sexism in something. There just isn't any in this song. It's literally not there at all. I am the sort of bleeding heart liberal who owns multiple guns though, so I am quite a weirdo. (Yes today is the first time I looked at replies to my youtube comments in like two years xD )

[@Zinkx.]

lmao >< and same @krrez

[@chaosmastermind]

@@krrez You only find it everywhere because you are looking for it. Just like a hammer will see everything as a nail.

[@krrez]

@@chaosmastermind ok I'm bored. I didn't say anything about "finding something everywhere" so I have no clue what you are even talking about. I was a totally different person three years ago anyway, lol.

[@jeremiahd2209]

I can't be the only one who learned the meaning of alopecia from this song.

[@whitherwhence]

Oh, good, l was starting to think l was alone

[@michaelafischer6177]

+The Doctor. simply The Doctor. You have to admit, there's a certain irony there, given your username is "The Doctor". (Disclaimer: There is no reason for this thread to become an onslaught of Whovians who falsely believe they need to educate me about Timelords.)

[@whitherwhence]

Michaela Fischer​ ah, yes, but you're forgetting one thing - doctor of what?

[@michaelafischer6177]

+The Doctor. simply The Doctor. Naturopathy? (Haw, haw.)

[@jeremiahd2209]

***** best of luck with your nuts ;)

[@EmmaDingle]

Has to be one of my favourite skits and songs ever. Never gets less funny or true.

[@AttilaAsztalos]

+1000 for liking Tim Minchin (too bad I haven't seen anything new of him recently). About the song - I suppose he's quite right, theoretically... but I can't stop wondering whether I might just be on the "what if NOT" fork of reality - and how much longer do I get to wonder at forty. Anyway, tomorrow's friday - so cheers! ;)

[@SimonGreensocialmarketing]

Love Minchin, very astute clever comedian/songwriter!

[@CuddleCuttlefish]

Attila Asztalos Good luck to you friend, and remember that it is mathematically impossible for you not to find a woman right for you.

[@tishawatson5676]

My husband and I did not have a "first dance" at our wedding. So when we do our renewal of vows we will be using this as our "first dance"! LOVE IT! LOVE YOU! This is phenomenal!

[@rjuskow]

Brilliant idea!

[@decemberferret]

that is the dumbest fucking idea i've ever heard. Do it. You deserve to be embarassed.

[@idriwzrd]

december ferret I hope you find a sense of humor, eventually. You'll be happier and your life will be better for it.

[@oilusionistaxd]

nice hahaha

[@oilusionistaxd]

tis song is funny but i not recommend use that how your "first dance" :D ^^

[@Mattseak]

Not mention everything else about Tim Minchin, but I'll just have to admire how he can memorize all these songs :D! I mean some 10 minute songs with such a verses!

[@leelee2350]

I think Thank you God would probably be the hardest one to memorize.

[@5alpha23]

And here, ladies and gentlemen, you can see why Tim is one of Bo Burnham's greatest idols.

[@gettinolder3010]

Was thinking that the whole time

[@crucix1483]

"..that my wife is some kind of wilting flower of a woman, who cowers in the corner of my kitchen as I periodically beat her with bags of comedy oranges." That is some of the funniest shit I've ever heard 😂😂😂😂😂

[@bilindalaw-morley161]

Everybody, hopefully, has things to be thankful for in this time of quarantine. Some have started gardening. Some are(trying yet again) to learn to knit. Me? I’m so thankful I found this guy. I laugh out loud a minimum of once per song. Minimum. That might not seem a lot to you, bit as someone with Clinical Depression, believe me when I say it’s a lot. What’s almost better is having something to pleasantly anticipate. I’m not even dreading running out of things to watch because I know when I repeat, they’ll be even funnier....and, I’ve realised yet again there are advantages to living alone. People don’t like to be told to shut up cos the good bits are coming, especially when they’re all good.

[@FLohPiano]

I'm happy you've discovered Tim as well!

[@ryanjones4150]

My wife found Tims music on KZbin, and shared it with me, because she knew that I would think it was awesome. And I did of course, because it is. She often would say to me that if she was gone that I would have somebody else, and I would say that I would rather have a picture of her on my nightstand than to be with anyone else. She passed about two and a half years ago, her picture is sitting right here next to me and I'm alone. That's how I want it. She was the greatest woman ever, it was so hard to find her, it would be impossible to find someone even almost as good. That's ok. if you have that kind of thing, cherish it, you never know what will happen.

[@figeepoet]

@ryanjones4150 I am so sorry for your loss. I do hope living with such a loss has eased to manageable now 🤗 Your comment is sad, beautiful and also really poignant. I'm glad you two found each other and shared time together. Take care and, in her memory, be happy 😊🌹

[@Ruralmn]

listening to this song makes me feel optimistic about the future. I don't have here but someone else will surely do.

[@TheEmmaHouli]

obviously she thought the song was about relationships and love when it was clearly about math

[@Lcsmu]

Funny thing. I remember this comment from 7 years ago.

[@isaacgaleao]

@@Lcsmu cute

[@maryperigoe2225]

@@isaacgaleao don't be an ass on the internet. It's unbecoming. Be kinder next time.

[@isaacgaleao]

@@maryperigoe2225 sorry

[@wojciechjankowski5707]

I would love to watch a sitcom based on Tim and Sarah's life.

[@bee6195]

Would watch!

[@peneleapai]

Where is it? 😍😍😍

[@GoogleUser-dwcy]

The documentary "Rock 'n' Roll Nerd", which is on KZbin, shows brief moments of their daily life.

[@nicolewilliams9255]

.☆

[@sfbayareagirl]

Better yet, find and watch “Upright”. If you like Tim, you will LOVE this show he wrote and stars in.

[@Zafrina133]

She MADE me like this!

[@MyKittywarrior]

I can't tell if he's complaining, or it's a compliment towards her

[@jilliansmith7123]

It's just funny.

[@lauraakers3566]

@@MyKittywarrior Well, the man is wildly successful, so...

[@garrettk7166]

@@MyKittywarrior Compliment, and an acceptance from him.

[@catharineorellana3522]

The Most Honest Love Song of All Time. "It's quite clearly a song about maths."

[@Swameh]

I want this kind of relationship.

[@wolframstahl1263]

I can relate. I'd love to have someone I could share bluntly pragmatic thoughts and jokes with. They seem to be an awesome couple!

[@frankG335]

Don't we all.

[@alvincay100]

"Awww, are you studying feminism at Uni..." HAHAHAHHA

[@dynamo1154]

@Drinks Home I think you mean that your hand will be the only thing left 🤣

[@pinstripe5487]

Anyone else get the Fiddler On the Roof reference? God I love Tim. Happy to provide context to those who didn't get it.

[@leelee2350]

Yes, I've watched people react to this and they didn't get the reference. A lot of Americans react to Tim and it goes over their heads a lot of the time.

[@Shayscribble]

The wiggles give me life.

[@Thomas_Winters]

Really? Cuz it straight up killed me

[@ardenboshier643]

What could be sexist in this song? It's true. And you could say the exact same thing about men.

[@Exsugarbabe1]

Imogen Boshier Exactly and like he says nobody has met is "downtrodden" wife.

[@ardenboshier643]

Ruth Barr What? I just don't understand what you're saying. It's probably me, sorry.

[@AyyDraws]

Imogen Boshier It's cos she isn't downtrodden, like Tim says, she's pretty messed up too

[@simonjeste]

Ruth Barr He also said the song is not about sexism, or even love. ...it's about maths! ^_^

[@Exsugarbabe1]

simonjeste True, it could be shown in a maths class, or a sex education class, it's a multi functional comedy song.

[@verasinkovics2308]

"it's quite clearly a song about maths" ahahahahaha i lost it there

[@chaosmastermind]

I mean, technically.. it is. Statistics, bell curves, and probabilities are the main focus of the song.

[@ilovewiki]

"I don't think you're special...I mean, I think you're special, but you fall within a bell curve."...best love song ever. lol

[@BriarRose1985]

This song gets stuck in my head so easily. He has such a way with words. And the wiggle cracks me up.

[@conkers78]

His brain is amazing to be able to memorize and recite such complex and well written songs seamlessly with no hesitations.. Damn

[@janicecahill9947]

What a beautiful family Tim, Sarah and their children are, Got to admit got a big crush on Tim. May they all have many happy and healthy years together.

[@Thomas_Winters]

May we all find a Tim

[@Owenmccefc]

"So don't worry about my SICK FUCKING WIFE" I pissed myself.!

[@jandavan129]

What a clever, clever man. A brilliant lyricist!

[@BeNice108]

Can't bring myself to stop listening to Tim on repeat. It's all just so good!

[@dainiusdiciunas3196]

He has a great wife and looks so proud of her.

[@GuerillaWelder]

"Pentecostal? small bladder. .." lmao love it! reminds me of a joke, what's the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist? when a Baptist sees another Baptist in the liquor store they say hi to each other:D

[@formerctgovernordannelmall1452]

haha yeah, I used to be a Catholic, which is nowadays FAR more common in regions like New England. and we new englanders are well known for our seemingly cold indifference towards others lmao. in the south, people are generally SO nice! it's like, you can strike up a conversation with somebody on the street and both people can have a good time of it! in the north, however, if you said hi to somebody they'd walk away thinking "why the hell did that person talk to me?" lmao I love that southern sense of extroverted attitude so much more!

[@keepdancingmaria]

No, you've got it exactly backwards. Catholics will acknowledge each other, because they are allowed to drink. Almost all Baptist sects are not allowed to drink, so if they see one another, they will pretend they don't, out of shame for being caught buying alcohol.

[@hollybroughton8768]

This bit always comes to mind when I listen to Telly because in the part about their little lives and their medium size sofa, and the quite a big telly you can tell how clever of a feller he is

[@Ender7j]

My firstborn died the day she was due about 5 years ago, it haunts me...but I still found his humor funny. Not everything is about me

[@Crimethoughtfull]

"it isn't quite as sad as it sounds...but its pretty close" hahahaha...esp funny b/c so obvious they love each other so much! :-)

[@NobodyNowhereKnowhow]

Even though I've wanted to meet Tim for a while now, I've always thought his wife must be an incredible person also, and would also love to have the pleasure of making her acquaintance. Now I'm pretty unsure... Unsure of who I'd rather meet because Sara(h?) sounds like she could be even funnier than Tim, either way I'd totally dig meeting Mr and/or Mrs Minchin.

[@SomeAHole]

+NobodyNowhereKnowhow Man...There are so many people that I'd like to meet...I thought I was the only one who thought about that. Dunno, to be with someone like Tim you have to be a very specific type of person. I mean, I don't know very much of how he's outside of the stage, so, yeah, I think, maybe.

[@mistervelux]

@Josh Hewitt i would have a go at both of em... at same time!!

[@wolswinkel]

If you look at the frequency with which the term 'bell curve' features in comedy songs, it does not form a bell curve.

[@ebonyl9312]

How could you produce any type of curve? What variable are you putting on the X axis?

[@meganmclerran4333]

this has to be the most genuine love song ever written

[@davidschmidt6013]

'Never met or even saw Tim's wife, but I have MASSIVE respect for her. she has a LOT to deal with that most women would/could never even imagine." Good on ya', Mrs. Minchin!!

[@KyleRayner12]

Love the Fiddler on the Roof reference, to say nothing of the statistics. Such a clever piece. :)

[@magiv4205]

The wiggle takes this from great to exceptional

[@memetmuzafferoglu]

He is not only good at musical comedy. He nails stand up act too.

[@persnikity12345]

I'm a strident feminist and I saw nothing sexist in this song... it's just clever and funny.

[@persnikity12345]

***** Well played good one xD

[@CountPenta]

persnikity12345 That can't be right! If you were a "strident" feminist you would've found something to be offended about and blamed it on the patriachy :)

[@persnikity12345]

omg lol xD Believe it or not, some strident feminists are chill! :P

[@persnikity12345]

...there are gay Muslims...

[@persnikity12345]

there are well over 1 billion followers of Islam... if 1/10 people are gay, there are a LOT of gay muslims out there...

[@24magiccarrot]

It's not sexist in the slightest, because the concept is equal in both directions. If I didn't have my wife I'd probably be with someone else that fit within the the bell curve of what I like, and likewise she would be with someone else that fits within the bell curve what she likes.

[@erwohnthiernichtmehr]

I think this is a great love song. Realism is fucking hot.

[@sfbayareagirl]

Tim Minchin is an international treasure. ❤

[@brody10123]

“periodically beat her with bags of comedy oranges” was the original title of Eat Pray Love

[@abramsonrl]

Liked her before, of course, but now I like Tim's wife even more. May have to prove I'm psychic under reasonable scientific conditions and take Tim up on his offer because that's nothing short of awesome. And plus another piano would be great.

[@zzpazi]

The leg. What will you do with the leg?

[@justinsmith5169]

pazi He'll use it for the piano pedal of course.

[@kathrynmorton7262]

Love it!!!!

[@WolffenViewer]

Hahaha, still love this song. Sounds like an awkward conversation where the guy is just digging himself a deeper hole, while still trying to explain himself. XD

[@quiroz923]

First I was "Sexist? How...?" SO I listened to it again. "Yeah, okay, I understand how you might have gotten that impression... but you're wrong."

[@ThibautVDP]

"she mmmmaaaade me like this..." D:

[@bethanyredd2948]

How does this still only have 1 million views? Technically, 1.9 million, but still.

[@thepablorz]

The internet is a strange place. Anywhere else 1.47 million views would be amazing. Come the internet, and suddenly that's low distribution...

[@bethanyredd2948]

Now it has 1.4 million...

[@bethanyredd2948]

Going from 1.9 mil to 1.4 mil views? Maybe I had meant 1.09 originally.

[@bethanyredd2948]

1.9 million views now 😇

[@HootyFruityOwl]

I watch this from time to time because it reminds me of myself and my husband; we have very similar humors to Tim and Sarah, and in fact, my husband introduced me to Tim's comedy when we first met. It was an interesting date, to say the least 😂

[@everfluctuating]

i think that college student thought it was sexist because she thought tim was saying his wife was statistically insignificant because shes a woman and not because any one of us who is currently happy with a significant other would not also be happy with someone else

[@ShuyinItaly]

I WANT A WIFE LIKE THAT! I started laughing so hard during those last ten seconds!

[@arui9630]

This will play at my wedding and my divorce

[@philipthraves9245]

This is BRILLIANT - a modern Shakespeare's My mistress' eyes .... superb!!

[@jmckenney3851]

Apparently according to several of my friends “If you were a love song, this would be you”

[@BluzeyGurl]

I love the baby breathing part...so true! Tim is awesome! Watch is other song about babies, "Lullaby"...too funny!

[@marthacraig934]

OMG!!!! ILY Tim Minchin. GENIUS

[@GabeWinter]

The end is the best line...

[@Lorieellesh]

He's brilliant - I love this.

[@bloodisfrightening1203]

You could say Tim is correct that true love isn’t really rare but you could also argue that by saying that or agreeing to that proves that you yourself have not yet found this almost mythical “true love”.

[@avrahams1]

This is AWSOME! I've been listening to Tim for the last year or 2, and I discovered this perl of genius just now...

[@Danielson1818]

I tried that little wiggle dance move. It actually feels even more awkward than it looks.

[@bilindalaw-morley161]

Oh, goodness.....the wiggle! The wiggle!

[@crackerjackrappr]

Is Russell Brand's character from get him to the Greek based on Tim?

[@laminator69er]

The last minute made me laugh so hard I now have cramp in my stomach, oh my god, serious man love here!

[@thebackyardbear]

How in the HELL can his songs be SO RANDOM and he remember all the words?

[@catharineorellana3522]

He's a genius!

[@stefanf922]

Here from Adam Savage's tested

[@EgorGiOs]

As a physicist i find this to be the most romantic song ever...

[@gteck10]

There are not many perfect tens. This is one of them

[@archiestewart3306]

I watched Tim Minchin live this week and he was incredible, when he performed this song it was amazing Edit: I should explain that he had a live band and it made it so much better

[@Anne--Marie]

Where? I am dripping with envy (Florida, USA).

[@archiestewart3306]

Anne-Marie A Newcastle England, it was amazing

[@Anne--Marie]

@@archiestewart3306 You know that you are incredibly lucky! Good for you!

[@sarahjones5669]

How have I never heard of this man! Holy crap! I am blown away!

[@AmberAmber]

Omg that's Sarah joke was my go-to for getting ppl. to quit checking on my babies🤣🤣🤣 (my babies are 23 & 27)!! I LOVE that Sara made me less monster-y!!🤣💖💖

[@dolphins6010]

tbh its more romantic to be chosen over many other people rather than not being chosen just you're they're only option

[@BearSennepai]

He's got guts... xD

[@fallendmr]

David WIllforss you say that as if it is a bad thing...

[@BearSennepai]

It was his dying wish, soooo...

[@BearSennepai]

Maybe a little... ;)

[@BearSennepai]

;)

[@wub-0-tronic117]

every1 does... xD

[@Jeric-gq7pr]

Everyone’s saying ‘it’s not sexist’ but I haven’t seen a single comment saying it is

[@jokidd4005]

Tim Munchkin has so much talent, he's brilliant

[@somegirl558]

I used to love this And now ..I still do lol.

[@CrappySpy]

Yeah he is! lol Glad you enjoy him. He needs more fans. Not enough people know of the brilliance of Tim Minchin.

[@evhantheinfidel]

It is my deep sexual fantasy to be beaten by a bag of comedy oranges wielded by Tim. That made this standup really awkward.

[@Ashakat42]

You are my kind of sick!

[@TheSquonkOfPillingerForest]

Perfect. 😂👌

[@JDines]

I'm guessing it's not your first experience with awkward "stand ups."

[@FallingOranges]

Weird kink, but okay.

[@SouthernersSax]

That very last joke is the embodiment of the "they had us in the first half" meme.

[@EyesOfTheInternet]

Adam Savage sent me.

[@deborahdepaoli1952]

I love Tim. Such original material. xxx

[@ervisaabdyli5074]

Yeah, yeah... If I didn't have you Yeah If I didn't have you to hold me tight (If I didn't have you) If I didn't have you to lie with at night (When I'm feeling blue) If I didn't have you to share my sighs (Share my sighs) And to kiss me and dry my tears when I cry Well I Really think that I would Have somebody else (If I didn't have you) If I didn't have you Someone else would do Your love is one in a million (One in a million) You couldn't buy it at any price (Can't buy love) But of the nine-point-nine-nine-nine-hundred-thousand other possible loves Statistically, some of them would be equally nice (Equally nice) Or maybe not as nice but, say, smarter than you Or dumber but better at sport or... fucking... tracing? I'm just saying I really think that I would Probably Have somebody else (If I didn't have you) If I didn't have you someone else would do (Someone else would surely do) If I were a rich man Fiddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle dee I guess I would be with a surgeon or a model Or a rellie of the royals or a Kennedy Or a nymphomaniacal exhibitionist heiress To a large chain of hotels If I were a rich man, maybe I would fiddle Fiddle diddle diddle with the rich man girls I'm not saying that I'd not love you If I was wealthy or handsome But realistically, there's lots of fish in the sea And if I had a different rod, I would conceivably land some Even though I am fiscally consistently pitiable And considerably less 'Brad Pitt' than 'Brad pitiful' Am I really so poor and ugly that you think Only you could possibly love me? And I Really think that I would Probably Have somebody else (If I didn't have you) If I didn't have you someone else would do (Someone else would surely do) Look, I'm not undervaluing what we've got when I say That, given the role chaos inevitably plays In the inherently flawed notion of fate It's abstruse to deduce that I found my soulmate At the age of 17 It's just mathematically unlikely that at a university in Perth I happened to stumble on the one girl on Earth Specifically designed for me And if I may conjecture a further objection Love is nothing to do with destined perfection The connection is strengthened The affection simply grows over time Like a flower Or a mushroom Or a guinea pig Or a vine Or a sponge Or bigotry ...or a banana And love is made more powerful By the ongoing drama of shared experience And synergy, and symbiotic empathy, or something So I trust it would go without saying That I would feel really very sad If tomorrow you were to fall off something high Or catch something bad But I'm just saying I don't think you're special I mean, I think you're special But, you fall within a bell curve I mean, I'm just saying I Really think that I would Probably Have somebody else I think you are unique and beautiful You make me happy just by being around (Just being around) But objectively you would have to agree That baby when I found you Options were relatively thin on the ground (Thin on the ground) You're lovely but there must be girls as lovely as you Or maybe more open to spanking, or table tennis... I'm just saying That I think that I would Probably Have somebody else I mean I reckon it's pretty likely that if for example My first girlfriend, Jackie, hadn't dumped me After I kissed Winston's ex-girlfriend Neah At Steph's party back in 1993 Enough variables would probably have been altered By the absence of that event To have meant the advent Of a tangential narrative in which we don't meet Which is to say there exists a theoretical Hypothetical parallel life Where what is is not as it is And I am not your husband and you are not my wife And I am a stuntman living in LA Married to a small blonde Portuguese skier Who when she's not training Does abstract painting Practises yoga And brews her own beer And really likes making home movies And suffers neck down alopecia But with all my heart and all my mind I know one thing is true I have just one life and just one love And my love, that love is you And if it wasn't for you Darling, you I really think that I would Possibly Have somebody else If I didn't have you If I didn't have you Someone else would do Someone else would surely do

[@sharonrodgers1136]

Tim there is no one on this earth that could get inside your mind so if there is going to be anybody that is you 100 %

[@asdfffs]

When that baby grows up... and watches this

[@IceMetalPunk]

...and says, "Mum was right, Dad, I DO like pussy better!"

[@TheNefastor]

... she'll laugh her ass off. I would.