TRAUMA BONDING Explained

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Trauma bonds are emotional bonds with an individual that arise from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse perpetuated by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishments. People with CPTSD have sometimes been conditioned by traumatic bonding during childhood; the pattern often continues in adult relationships. Here's what it looks like, and here's what to do when you find yourself trauma bonded.
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[@purplefireweed]

You perfectly describe my old relationship, which I have been free of for six years, after 8 years of that constant hot/cold plus gaslighting sprinkled with ragefests. Everything you say rings true, especially about creating and maintaining connections with real friends. The isolation of trauma bond relationship creates deep wounds.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yes. Isolation is a breeding ground for bad things.

[@yvonnemariehorvatr.h.n.nut3315]

narrastic

[@bleaubloomd]

You could have written my story above. I’ve moved out of state on my own after his last “rage fest .” I started working and am proving to myself that it really was me holding things together through the years of abuse. It’s still hard 2 months later and I hope it gets easier as time goes on. Thank you for sharing your experience. ✨💯❤️❤️✨✨

[@snowqueen24]

Ouch.☹

[@parishah7494]

Sounds like my mother

[@CyborgForgael]

One thing to look out for: an abusive partner knows that they can keep you by limiting your connections to other people.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

YES.

[@jaimed.e.6384]

I think im like this. Or i thought its normal. Thanks for letting me know that its toxic behaviour.

[@lc5666]

Nobody talks about how good it feels to "make everything ok" when you're in an abuse cycle. Thank you for telling people about this.

[@Yriel129]

Starting a fight in the early evening, fighting and threatening with a breakup till around midnight, makeup cuddles and falling asleep next to each other, waking up to the reality that there's something terribly wrong. My ex with BPD even started blaming me for "going crazy in the mornings" because come morning, I was feeling relatively normal, and the emotional turmoil was back and I needed to back to the "frontline".

[@cecischaeffer2669]

I think I had a trauma bond while I was molested from age 15 through 21, when my biological father constantly threatened abandonment if I did not comply. I thought it was love. I am now 65 and I still suffer from the guilt for participating in this hell. Now I can put a name to it and understand why I stayed in this horrific abuse.

[@skymeadow7762]

I'm so sorry, you stayed because you were broken, me too

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That's a terrible thing to have happen, and you can get free of all that suffering! bit.ly/2rukHvh -Cara@TeamFairy

[@skymeadow7762]

Same sis🦋🦋🦋 I love you

[@jessie330]

His sickness was not your fault. You wernt able to get away if you where you would have. You did what you had to to survive. You are worth happiness xxx

[@Megan6772]

I'm so terribly sorry that was your experience. Sending so much love your way. Hope you find peace and healing 🕊️

[@gailroland4575]

Wow...I am willing to accept "crumbs" because that's the very best I got as a kid.

[@theangriestoftabbies]

And yet you were told it was a four course dinner and to be grateful for it. You’re so ungrateful for not wanting these crumbs.

[@mdmmalou]

@@theangriestoftabbies Yes always have to be greatful for a crumb. Also always under their heavy conditions ofcourse. The lady who called herself my mother ugh..she was awful. 😝👎🏼

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Not anymore!

[@freebein]

You all just get me. 🥺

[@lorimiller4301]

I would get a card that said they loved me but it was a lie and I knew it.

[@lorraineharvey3200]

I was trained by my family to accept crumbs and NEVER ask for more. My adult life has kept me hooked into relationships that trauma bonded me very quickly. I had no idea, thank you. My only focus is recovery. Thank you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You can do it! We have more help if you need it courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/ -Cara@TeamFairy

[@borderlohr]

please add details about your ideation of, "crumbs"(?)

[@BeKind2Earth]

I'm so done with being hooked. After 36 years I've decided to put up a wall when it comes to my husband. He's a drunk. He doesn't care enough to stop for our grandchildren myself or anyone else. I could have some forgiveness if he at least tried but he doesn't. I'm working on putting my inner peace first. Thank God the friends I do have are wonderful along with my family

[@markbaker8089]

A lot of my hot/cold behavior is what ruined my first marriage. If your going through this, get help. Don’t wait. I wasn’t able to have a meaningful relationship until I did.

[@thewishingpooltarot5425]

Your honesty is commendable, glad you owned it and got the help.

[@jennytaylor3324]

That chicken thing sounds horrendous, Anna! That was a depressingly accurate description of my longest (4 year) 'relationship' with my 2nd boyfriend, at age 20. He was 30, and behaved like a gent for a whole 6 months before we officially paired-up. It was as if the very minute he realised I was 'hooked', he became abusive. I think it was the night after we first slept together. His pattern was nice, then either raging or drunk, or just drunk & raging, and he was horribly paranoid. Took me 3.5 years of knowing i had to get out to finally cut the cord, and I suffered many a humiliation in that time. It was as if I somehow knew that nobody but i could 'slay the dragon' (that's what it felt like), even when others offered to intervene. Felt fantastic when I finally did. What amazed me the most was watching this apparent grown man, who had literally terrorized me for years, disintegrate like the paper tiger that he was. We have the power, but it can take years to get away from these people. And you're right - none of it was happy. I didn't even love him. It made no sense, except to say that my dad has bad anger issues and similar patterns, minus the booze. You live in the programming of that never-ending hope for the relationship, I suppose.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm relieved you got out and are in a place to see your own patterns! When we heal, we don't even attract those types of people anymore!

[@ynntari2775]

My parents have two phases that cycle non-stop. One is the heavely abusive phase, and the other is the neglectful ignoring phase. When they're in the neglectful ignoring phase, they shame me for fearing or hating them for what they did in the heavily abusive phase, either saying it never happened or that I'm being too sensible and egoistic.

[@hwway4488]

Hope you can get out of there asap

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Oh dear... minds*** of high magnitude. I agree with commenter -- time to get out!

[@leaaugusta9924]

😮 my parents are EXACTLY the same! It's that gaslighting afterwards that makes it so painful for me. Because they are "Christians", they alternate between "it never happened" and "you should forgive us" and sometimes sprinkle in a "you're being selfish". So effed up. I've never talked to anyone else who's experienced the same. No use getting away from them, though. I keep repeating this in other relationships - friends, bosses, roommates...

[@Myspirit904]

My last relationship was exactly this... it was a slow and insidious process that had me feeling awful. Taking back my life and leaving him was incredibly powerful.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Being empowered to do what is good for us feels so amazing! I'm glad you got to experience that feeling! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@freshstrt3140]

its challenging to let go... theres something in the burn that feels so "good"... i hate having to admit this. Its like all of my senses come alive, and my hearts on fire, and colorful musings of eternal truths on how things "should be" stream through me... I end up living in this imaginary world, learning about all that could be, should be, would be, but isnt. I truly want to experience healthy love in this life. I know i have the capacity within myself to share healthy honest love, and grow with someone. Theres nothing in the world more that I want. Ive spent most of my life avoiding and staying out of relationships. For the first time, I know what it feels like to truly want to share my life with someone. I thought I had found that person, but it turns out 🙏🏽😔 no, he is messing with my head quite badly, and breaking my heart again and again. Ive never cried so much in my life. All that is shared in this video, describes my situation point blank. Its so hard to accept. The love is so deep and so real when it is there, it is the most beautiful love and connection I have ever felt in my life. But then things go sideways, and there is no getting through to him, nothing I can say will be heard, and I am faced with an endless ongoing circle of false accusations and claims, invalidations, blame and dismissal. And he never ever comes back around and acknowledges his episodes, or takes any ownership. If I try to talk about it, it turns into another round of projections and deflection and blame. He accuses me of the very things that he is doing and saying to me. Its so painful, and scary, and confusing, and devastating. And my heartbody is left, looking, longing, yearning for love and loving. Being loved by him is like following a carrot through a mine field, scraping up breadcrumbs along the way... 🙏🏽💔😔🙏🏽 I pray for strength to pull my head together, tear my heart free, and get out.

[@mindylehrman6471]

I’ve been where you still are... I left him 10 months ago (after a 2.5 yr devastationship/manipulationship) I hit my “breaking point.” Hopefully 🙏🏻🙏🏻 you will soon too (you can do it! 🙏🏻😉💜)! It’s not easy, but really, you’ve already been living in “hell” on earth being associated closely with this person. Anything becomes possible again for your life once you’re free of this oppressive stronghold of an individual. Songs like “Lose you to love me” make complete sense once you’re out. 🤗💜

[@freshstrt3140]

@@mindylehrman6471 thank you so much.... 🙏🏽💙💞

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

@Katheryn_Kelly more self work is needed, which you seem to be aware of. My membership includes courses for Healing CPTSD and Relationships, both of which would be very useful for you given this pattern, a pattern I completely relate to! bit.ly/2rukHvh -Cara@TeamFairy

[@msims1081]

Sounds exactly like my former marriage!

[@debbiemulder173]

OMG! I could write this right now too.. Right now because this is where I am too. Right now right this minute. The burn yes the burn. It's so true for me too.......

[@hwway4488]

I feel like I can't relate to people who have had light, fluffy lives, who have no idea what this awareness of real awful is like. People who have experienced hardships seem to have a lot more empathy. Less self interest. Actually interested in getting to know the core of me rather than use me as a disposable friendly face or affirmation factory to go through the motions of a friendship with but not actually seem to care if it's me or someone else fulfilling that role. It's not that I have trouble opening up or regulating sharing or being accommodating or reciprocating, but why is it only people who have been through something recognise me, see me or seem to care about me as an individual and my journey. Why are regular people so unmoved by the people around them and so unaffected by the knowledge of the suffering another person could be experiencing. Maybe you have to have experienced it to relate with or appreciate how someone else could be feeling. Are 'healthy' people just ignorant/spoiled through not having gone through traumas or experienced hardship or suffering?

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That's a touch one! I understand what you mean but, in truth we just never know what is going on with another person. Maybe their lives were terrible and they are convincing the world otherwise, maybe their lives have been relatively painless and so they have little empathy, impossible to know.

[@danadd8510]

I struggle with this as well. I completely understand what you're saying. ~DDH~

[@kimberlysmith7311]

Hi. I feel what your saying . I think that ( just my opinion) often people who have experienced more challenges , are forced to look and go deeper , and when we do we hopefully see that we are MUCH MORE then what happened to us or our stories, because when your abused , the first way we escape is going into our minds, witch takes us out of the present moment, stuck in the story in our heads, and if we keep repeating mistakes eventually our ego can't take anymore and we become conscious, and conscious of the fact that we are much more then the story of our lives. That we are all one and connected. So we may end up being deeper and more compassionate. Pain is inevitable , but Suffering, is optional , even so, people still unconsciously choose it. It is imperative to educate ourselves on the things that Crappy Childhood Fairy teaches to understand the workings of our minds, and just as imperative is realizing that we are SO MUCH MORE then our minds. That we are the consciousness of the universe. We all are. One giant whole, just pretending to be many. Eckhart Tolle explains it much better 😏

[@lorif894]

@@kimberlysmith7311 you did a damn good job yourself! 💙

[@Fefe559]

I feel the exact same way, and don’t get it either? But laughed at “affirmation’s factory” lol. I feel like that too…my affirmation factory is quite terrifying, they wouldn’t last a day in my head listening to my inner critic. Lol

[@noellecelnik4347]

Mom was an alcoholic when my older siblings and I were growing up. It created that hot & cold, where she wanted what any mother would want (to spend as much time with her children as possible) but she was single, had no support network, and was battling her addiction. There were good times, but a lot of lonely times. Mom got sober, got therapy, made amends, but the victim mentality of my siblings has lead them to exhibit increasingly abusive behavior in every interaction Over the last 10-15 years (since she quit drinking and got help.) They rationalize and gather together to commiserate around old trauma - but paradoxically, the abusive behavior only began *after* my mom started treating her addiction, like they were scared of her before, and rage-filled after. There was even one instance where one of my adult male siblings physically assaulted our mom (She was absent, but never hit us. Maybe spanked once or twice, but she felt awful and stopped doing that early on) They blame her for my dad's decision to kill himself (even tho he was mentally ill, full of rage, and was refusing to take his meds at the time - they've basically created this mythos surrounding him, and my mom caught the smoke in the aftermath) I'm the only one of the siblings in therapy, the only one who has addressed these underlying issues and mended my relationship with my mom as a person. I took the rare opportunity to work with my mother & a therapist to trace the threads of trauma going back in our family. It's brought an enormous sense of strength & resolve, as well as a release of that nagging resentment.... I'm confident I would have been fine doing that on my own, but it brings me joy to have had the chance to include my mom in the healing process. To forgive and move on, and catch up on the hugs we both wanted when I was small. Do you have a video about children of addicts becoming abusive toward their elder parents in adulthood?

[@Newmoney1122]

Thanks for sharing

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

This is an interesting idea for a video, I suggest writing Anna [e-mail] and sharing this scenario. Put 'Ask the Fairy' in the subject line to indicate you are interested in this as a video topic. -Cara@TeamFairy

[@kathleendrake6500]

Crazy high tolerance for Toxic behavior learned from Parents and continued in love romantic or adult relationships. Not studied. Mostly a dynamic learned from Both Toxic Families. The Abuser and the Victim. Involuntary Response to an Abandonment On/Off again. I Deserve to Be Loved Safe, supported, and accepted.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for listening! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@fluermor..]

I got into relationship in my late teens that latest 10 years, it was truly horrendous. At this time, I had a bad home life and needed out and he took what I had told him about my situation and played an Oscar role, until I left with him. The abuse began immediately. I haven’t been able to be in a real relationship since. I only managed to run away once my daughter was born. That was were my strength and protective state came in. My wake up call. I do really agree with a comment below about it being extremely hard to make real connections with people who have lived very different lives. They cannot simply begin to comprehend you. That is a fact. I work with survivors and there I know I am helping where I can, in a way I know how. Thank you for your work. X

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing with us, glad you are OK :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@valerieinman2084]

This is the VLOG (the talking to, the real) I needed my whole life. Very triggering for me, I kept disassociating (flashbacking). I just kept playing the tape over and over until I could receive the message. I have been a part of trauma bonding my entire life. I am 51 and committed to healing and stopping the spread of dysfunction by starting with me. POWERFUL, thank you, Anna.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You are most welcome @Valerie_Inman. I'm glad you're here!

[@chelseamiracle128]

I think I can see now I have been fearful avoidant since I was a child. Which would explain my past tendency to isolate and fall for imaginary relationships or relationships with crumbs or abuse on offer. I was ashamed of being a child of abuse. I was scared normal, loving people would hurt me. My father was on the autistic spectrum (undiagnosed) and had bipolar disorder. He was unpredictable, verbally abusive, and simultaneously unpredictably loving and accepting of his children and spouse. We lived in fear of who he’d be when he got home from work and he refused meds. I lived a childhood of pure terror and lack of safety or security. My parents were so wrapped up - I felt left behind and invisible. I took that to mean I didn’t matter to them. Really, they were worried about paying rent and feeding us. Well, my mom was anyways. My dad was home because he kept quitting jobs due to instability and believing (falsely) that his coworkers were conspiring to kill him. As I get older, I see my parents tried. They loved us a lot. It just was unfortunate that my dad had to hit rock bottom (lose his family/spouse and home forced into treatment) to be able to have some semblance of a functioning life. It makes me sad but also I love him and he loves me, and now he takes meds. He has always loved us.

[@Hello-zf5lq]

My group therapist trauma jinxed me and the whole group - he would charm you at first but then would encourage people to criticize you and mock you in your face.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

I hope he was reported

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

There are some pretty strange ideas out there about what group therapy should look like, thanks for being here!

[@hwway4488]

I'm so sorry that happened to you

[@JAYNEmM1962]

Finding that friend is as bad as leaving the abuser. There just isn't anyone the narc can't charm. Then you're under attack from two ganged against you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

When we are working on healing our CPTSD, we have way more chances of attracting healthy people in our lives. Lots of help on crappychildhoodfairy website. -Cara@TeamFairy

[@JaneJohnson1951]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy What's the URL? I really need help in this

[@lorimiller4301]

@@JaneJohnson1951 if you click on the downward arrow on the right side of the description box there's a list of different courses. At the bottom of the list is a link to her website. Hope that helps.

[@JAYNEmM1962]

@@louisscott8732 👋

[@JaneJohnson1951]

@@lorimiller4301 thank you Lori 🙂🙏🌈

[@dinomauss1157]

So happy I found this channel.. thank you. I have so much gratitude to all these professional educated women putting this knowledge out there. This stuff is so needed especially to those of us that were just simply brought up wrong to be frank. To think this lovely woman and Dr Ramani are basically the mothers I run to for advice and guidance because I know somethings not right, somehow makes me feel blessed. I know there’s so many women out there that just don’t have these resources. I feel to cry for my own mum, I wish she could understand all this and not be so caught up in the toxicity of that family. Nothing but love and respect for you fairy godmother 💛

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That is so nice! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@lorif894]

The Body Keeps the Score

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Excellent book!

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Oh that chicken story💔.....Gosh it’s like when we paid 25 cents at a carnival to look in the trailer window @ adult Siamese twins watching tv....that memory is seared in my mind and it was scary to see as a child.....I ❤️ it when you said if you’re in an abusive relationship I’m going to tell you flat out to get out‼️🌹🌹🌹🌺🌺 you’re the best Anna cuz you’ve been in the trenches 🌿

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

This is so weird... *I saw those Twins in the trailer.* Arizona state fair, 1973. I will never forget it either. It was 50 cents. I stood there for about half an hour. Quite an impression. Also that night I won a blue ribbon for a rabbit I had raised.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy oh wow! that is so wild....I was in suburban Cleveland....I remember it like it was yesterday 🍭🎪....that is so sweet you won a blue ribbon 🎀.....I miss the simplicity of those days

[@gnarbeljo8980]

I had no idea this existed in the 20th century anywhere, let alone the US. And I was born ’68! How incredibly disgusting. 😳😖

[@thefisherking78]

I've had someone in and out of my life a few times with relationship patterns increasingly resembling what you describe here. I don't believe it was generally deliberate, although the last round almost did feel like a targeted hit after it ended disastrously. I just think trauma shaped both of us to act in unhealthy ways and we tangled with increasing instability trying to replicate the high. I still struggle to avoid idealizing that intense chemistry while ignoring all the damaging things that came with it.

[@epicmage82]

I kind of see it as some love is better than no love. 😥

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yeah, that does not feel good at all. -Cara@TeamFairy

[@JuliaRux]

I have only had trauma bond relationships in my life because of severe abuse in childhood. This was extremly eye opening! I'm also addicted to falling in love, confuse love with anxiety... You got a new subscriber :)

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Welcome to our CCF community! :) Nika@TeamFairy

[@pearlthefairy]

This perfectly describes my relationship with my mother. She forces me to take her crumbs and gaslights me if I refuse. I don’t have a choice. I need to move out of this household

[@sulpicije]

Thank you for this video.. My father comitted suicide after second try, and my mother tried 3 times.. All in periods of when i was 2,4,6 and 8 yrs old.. After that depression life of my mother.. You get the picture.. Happy moments.. And recently relationship.. Trauma bonding textbook.. Crumbs of nothing.. And rejecting great opportunities for that.. . How crazy is that!? And cream on top she has asperger.. Combination to dream about.. Again thank you.. I was consumed with guilt and shame for bunch of things.. As days go i feel more free of all of it.. Education, bodywork, food, meditation.. Understanding what is happening is the key of healing..

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You are doing great, sorry for your hard losses -Cara@TeamFairy

[@TheVoiceofChief]

I watched this video from start to finish because I just ended my relationship/situationship. I finally woke up and I'm trying to understand more about trauma bonding as my friends couldn't understand how I'm feeling about this and they just think I'm "stupid". Thank you for this video as I learned something about myself.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad it was helpful! Nika@TeamFairy

[@nourishheallove]

I’ve been in a trauma bond with an unavailable man for 10 years! I can’t let go for some reason and I’ve tried so many times. Even when I don’t see him for months at a time I’m still attached somehow.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We have more support for you at the Crappy Childhood Fairy website! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Soohook]

Thank you for sharing your wisdom, care and compassion with all of us. You are a very special soul. I am grateful for your presence in this world. You are a ray of sunshine in the dark corners of our hearts.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

What a kind thing to say! We appreciate it! Nika@TeamFairy

[@TanzaniteHayley]

I’ve recognised it, I’ve been pushing them away. They are so predictable. He’s so pissed off with me because his bullshit isn’t working, I’ve been matching his investment and behaviour to the point where he tried to DENY it in the same conversation so I quoted him verbatim and left! Mic drop moment. No coming back from that hunny. He needs therapy but even if I tried to tell him sincerely I’d get accused of sarcasm and patronising so I’ve let it.

[@andrescanario9738]

That sounds like you’re dealing with a narcissist and he’s manipulating you

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're realizing you can't help him, just yourself :)

[@TanzaniteHayley]

@@andrescanario9738 you are probably right, I think I attract them because my dad possesses narcissistic traits.

[@Newmoney1122]

@@TanzaniteHayley Hello

[@Inseparable724365]

Fantastic ... best explanation of trauma bonding I've ever heard !!!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad it was helpful!

[@Inseparable724365]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I never knew this was something a couple could do accidentally. Always thought it was a sociopaths weapon to keep an abused mate on the hook. Fiance and all 3 wives had traumatic childhoods. The relationships proceeding with all the dysregulation probably caused some trauma bonding. Getting free from the fiance and first two wives required acts of congress (there was some stalking and other shameful desperate stuff that went on). Back then I had no idea what CPTSD was (actually before it was recognized). Somehow me and my 3rd wife made it 20 years now. Mostly because we've been working together for the past 15 years. Now armed with an understanding of what's happening life (and love) is getting better each day ... Thank You Anna

[@My_House_]

So weird to live your life and all the sudden noticing that a lot of people ( emotionally ) live a totally other live because they were loved or raised different. Guess that's somehow the lost feeling or something. If it's the home you were raised , abuse by others as a kid , violent relations; as soon as the wrong becomes the standard you're on a hard different path. 😐

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

It may be a different path but we can get to where we want to go too! It takes more work maybe, but the gift is we are forced to do work that ends up having us more it tune with ourselves and sensitive to others than those who don't need to do it. There is a whole community getting to know each other at Crappy Childhood Fairy! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@chuckkelehan4131]

Thank you, I've left a " relationship " with a bipolar, narcissist partner. I was a heavy alcoholic when we met and easy to control.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Good for you:) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@flygirl2172]

You are so smart about this Mrs Runkle....you are helping all of us. The universe is going to reward you for all that you do. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

:)

[@alimay8344]

After an incredibly abusive childhood, all I wanted was love and safety. I couldn't understand why I would end up in one abusive relationship after another. I forgave my ex even after I almost lost my life. I always blamed myself for being difficult to love. I was also left with facial scarring that destroyed what self-esteem I had left. I thought I didn't deserve respect or love as I had degraded my self worth and reputation. Thankyou for helping me to understand why this is happening and helping me to make permanent changes. Sending you love from Australia

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Rooting for you! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@caroliner2029]

My Narcissist younger sister has been emotionally abusive all our lives. She subjects the object of her rage to regular cycles of silent treatment. She'd lie and regularly create drama out of nothing, and try to drag me into it. It was extremely painful and depressing. I was ground down by it. One day I watched a documentary about conditioning lab rats to keep pressing a lever to get a reward. After some time there'd be no reward, and the rats would keep pressing the lever to get the random reward. They called it 'random reinforcement', and I suddenly realised that that's exactly what's happening with her. Meaningless random reinforcement, that makes me hope that someday she might like me. Might love me, as I loved her.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

The great thing about Anna's courses is that we don't need anyone to change to get free from this suffering ourselves! It is truly liberating! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@apple369]

Whew, Anna! I so appreciate how you serve up the truth. I like this heart of the matter approach very much. I went thru a very brief trauma-bonded romance nine years ago and I'm still smarting from the whole experience. The pain is greatly diminished but it sure does linger. I found your videos about 6 months ago and started the daily writing practice about that time as well. It's been quite powerful and I'm starting to witness different reactions to familiar situations. Thank you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That is so great to hear! I'm so pleased it is helping you!

[@Dean-mg3re]

Best explanation of trauma bonding to date. Multi examples given and clearly. I understand it better now. Thank you. (Basically, acceptance of abuse for the comfort of needed attention and apparent love).

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks so much for the encouragement! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Zekrom569]

Basically i had my fair share of trauma bonds as i was raised with a very fragile self image. What i have to say is the cognitive dissonace that comes with it is very soul crushing and that's why the receiving end of that behavior is trying their best to make the relationship work out because that way it resolves their cognitive dissonance in a positive note and that's why abusers utilize this technique to hook their victims into their ploys

[@psycherevival2762]

I appreciate your down to earth approach to these topics. You are compassionate towards those who are suffering without doing so much of the “bad othering” that can be found in so many other channels on connected topics, especially narcissism. I think that CPTSD can look like narcissism or narcissistic qualities sometimes if we don’t understand what’s really going on under the hood.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

It is very intentional to keep the focus on ourselves and avoid blaming others and we appreciate you acknowledge it. You're right, a person who is often dysregulated can and often is mistaken for a narcissist. Holding back judgement is a big deal if we can do it. -Cara@TeamFairy

[@psycherevival2762]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy It’s a big deal and so so tough! Especially if we are looking outside of ourselves for approval. Making others bad and wrong can help us feel better about ourselves, albeit temporarily. It’s not much different from what narcissistic behaviour looks like.

[@JohanIsraelsson]

Thank you for this. It perfectly described my previous relationship. I got out, fortunately.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing this with us, I'm glad you were able to get out! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@talonf.3786]

Parental depression causes this too.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Lots of depressing variations but we can get better!

[@jessicapatton2688]

I have a traumatic memory with chickens too. We had a pervert greasy neighbor guy we called chicken-bob. He would catch them put them on a stump and then chop their heads off with an ax! I remember seeing the chickens body jump up and run around and into stuff for a minute before it’s body recognized it was dead and it fell over. I totally forgot about Chicken-bob.

[@CC12203]

Thank you 💕 Every time I listen to you, my whole life makes sense! You always explain things in a way that resonates and is so clear.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad!

[@TheFabricTeapot1]

You just explained my life. Thankfully I got help and got away. I still struggle.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Big hugs for getting away! Sometimes you have to keep vigilant against the tendency. It's a worthy project.

[@trevawhitmoyer682]

You are meant to explain this…understandable and poignant. Thank you!!

[@letsgooooooo111]

This video just changed my life. I now perfectly understand what was going wrong with my ex. Everytime just before or after big or small (but mostly big) moments of emotional intimacy she would do something so selfish or say something mean, dismiss me or be hurtful. I would start a fight and then we would argue, and the arguments never ended or got resolved. She also has CPTSD. The more I was willing to forgive, the more she started fights and the more exhausting the cycle got!!! We were so in love but she was so avoidant it became intolerable so I ended it. Thank goodness for this channel and therapy! I finally understand what the problem was. She was emotionally unavailable and sabotaging intimacy!!! I have abandonment wounds so I would start fights over her threatening the safety of the relationship! My threats of leaving her kept the bond alive. Oh my!

[@divinecommerce3912]

Thank you for giving us the awareness to break the patterns and give ourselves the love we always wanted!! XOXO

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Always!

[@Beanfam444]

I kind of felt this with a dismissive avoidant person I was seeing

[@jsmith7240]

Thanks Anna. These videos in particular are so hopeful. If childhood was unhappy, family split apart or just miserable I think I felt driven to make my own happy family. Unfortunately I fell into bad relationships like trauma bonds and getting out of them were traumatic because it felt like losing my family again even though it was a toxic situation which wasn't a good replacement anyway. Having this information is just liberating so I can see the bigger picture and not feel such a failure if nothing else and believe that it could be different.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I get it! Just the idea that things could be different is mind-blowing at first! This is the tip of the iceberg, there is a LOT more available to you! This is link to look at Crappy Childhood Fairy membership bit.ly/2rukHvh -Cara@TeamFairy

[@carolynkepler2826]

I had this when I was young. I couldn’t explain why I couldn’t leave my mother. Only recently, because of these videos, do I have words for it.

[@lavenderandgold8588]

my ex-boyfriend, that i believe i was in a trauma bond with, would easily go from "you're the best" to "i hate you". he also has terrible anger issues and lashes out easily. i think he got it from his mom, who was also abusive, but i think the problem he's never healed from what she put him through.

[@tamikas6519]

This is so me. Brought me to tears. Thank you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

So glad when people find the work helpful, thank you!

[@tamikas6519]

This is .evey relationship I've had. Been told BPD .... this explained some much.

[@elsbethgross4675]

This is one of the best Videos I watched in a long time. I'm in a Narq relationsbip for a long time and have been trying to leave, but he keeps hanging on to me, that tells me had a crappy childhood.My life has been great, before i met this person, and it will be great again with a loving person, with a lot of love and devotion.

[@josevillanueva9705]

I remember my biological father took me and my mom and younger brother to burgerking and he didn’t buy me and my mom anything to eat but he did to my younger brother. I’m pretty sure there were more things that happened that intensified this emotion. But I always had this feeling that I didn’t deserve to eat. I felt guilty about eating food, I felt ashamed about eating. It sounds kind of funny now, and I’m glad I can eat now, and that I could realize this. Thank you for your help 💪🏽

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

So cool you recognized that was going on. That's what freedom looks like :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@vyshnyaivanovna6460]

All it takes to get me in love is being mean to me and then apologizing. I feel like I am a robot with a cheatcode for accessing my engineer menu, secret control button or something. People press it by accident sometimes and it messes up my emotional life almost instantly. It is laughable, but keeps me really struggling. It is sometimes easier to keep a conflict slow burning then feeling the need to give myself up to them after them just being polite and showing a more friendly side. I`ve used to have long and heated conflicts with my only caretaker throughout the childhood.

[@angiegurl2007]

This was so beautiful.

[@abkerrye1]

Can you comment on your view of this trauma bond dynamic happening when the trauma bonded person is being mistreated by the person with CPTSD from their childhood and not the other way around?

[@plj103]

This is great stuff to absorb and integrate fully into one’s life, and relationships.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Definitely!

[@sidlife365]

Nailed it!! Why does God do this to people and deny proper nurturing! This has a lifetime impact.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

God doesn't do this to people. People do it. People have free choice.

[@self-care_warrior]

I've asked this question in my mind for years. There's a quote that says "When the devil can't have you, he sends a narcissist" It makes sense as a Christian and understanding that the enemy wants nothing more than to take you down but it doesn't make the pain any easier.

[@gavrinmahaffey3656]

Thank you Anna.this was very very helpful and encouraging.much appreciated ⚘⚘

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad it was helpful!

[@Risa-tz9nx]

I’m 24 yo and it’s already my 6th relationship, not counting the non-defined ones, sometimes I just feel very ashamed that I cannot handle a long term relationship. I have BPD and I’ve been out of the previous toxic relationship for approximately 6 months now. I do suspect he is a narcissistic but sometimes when I recall all the goood moments, that I’ve never gained from my parents (e.g., someone to calm me down when I lose control over my emotions; someone who’s willing to be there for me when I’m in my dark times; someone who’s willing to give me reassurance). It is just so hard. I know myself tend to think all black and white, as much as I’m trying to recognize it, I sometimes still have very strong withdrawal symptoms. And other times when I could recall all of those emotional abuses in between the good times, I feel scared and relieved that I got out. I’m still in the process of healing and idk when I’ll eventually heal. The saddest thing is I can still feel a part of he is living inside me. We never got a closure bc we had a very long distance (went thru living together, long distance relationship then just broke up). He didn’t seem to care neither of my feelings in the end, rather than focusing the fact that I wanted to end it fully, and trying to control me one last time. I just feel very broken inside. And I don’t rly want to talk with others since they prob can’t understand.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sharing, it's a great baby step :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Privatenospying]

My parents were like this but were non drinkers! Wish there was some excuse for the abuse🤬

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We just don't know what drives people to act the way they do, and we usually can't ever know. But you can find out for yourself what drives you! Thanks for being in this community :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Lizapendleton]

Brilliant video

[@angelinewhite3528]

Very helpful you are well informed and seem highly intuitive or having experienced trauma bond ? Not being nosy but I thank you for shedding light on this topic

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad it was helpful! Anna lived in childhood trauma so she knows the problem from her own experience. You can read more about Anna here: crappychildhoodfairy.com/ (scroll down). Nika@TeamFairy

[@safiteaprivate1997]

everyone talks about how victims of trauma bonding had abusive childhood, but what if they had a very supportive and loving childhood, and are still in a trauma bonded relationship as an adult?

[@martingd777]

From secure af and in total love for 2 yrs and then the last year of covid and last year was a spiral descent into trauma bond hell. It’s the worst heartbreak. 1/2 of covid fine, the other half and the mental health and addiction after was just …. If we could turn back time..

[@pilarguerrero3405]

Hi Anna, thanks a lot for this video, now I understand a lot better a phase in my life. Thanks for giving a name to everything and for explaining clearly that there is no need to feel ashamed. I appreciated that bit a lot! Much love to you and your team!

[@jdubrey1527]

I was with him 17 years. He would love so intensely, buy me extravagant gifts, then turn on me and accuse me of cheating and even demand I give the gifts back. He accused me of being in possession of stolen property when he demanded the gift back. Then he’d give it back to me, and the cycle would occur again. I just him out of my life a month ago...

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm sure you're still struggling with such a recent break up, so glad you're looking for support, we all need it! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@herbylovebug1340]

Then a calm peaceful relationship feels bad and strange. The chaos is what feels normal. Unfortunately some do use extreme control, not physical but mental and emotional. When you feel that unworthy it is near impossible to make a friend.

[@lastthingsministry]

Yes I had to break through the nausea around loving relationships because I was so burnt out from the abusive ones. I had to actually break through a pain barrier to go for love.

[@grand_air_trine_astro]

It started out him abandoning me by cheating and reconciling with his ex behind my back (before I realised what trauma bond or narcissism was) than the fear slowly over the years made me hooked into trying to get chosen and made me use the same tactics on him. But I've finally cut the cords as his ex is still very much in the picture (they have kids together and she is equally trauma bonded) and done another cycle just recently in July and he abandoned me again. After I briefly reconciled knowing I would discard him to hurt him as much as I could. I'm not proud but temporarily it soothed the deep pain he caused me. He wouldn’t let me go he enjoyed two competing over him hence done it with her and me for 4.5 years.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Proud of you for moving on! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@dagmarmedabrejlova8825]

this is so my mother, she's not alcoholic or anything, but that doesn't matter

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

no, it doesn't. Glad you're here :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@elleh6642]

This is the best video I've watched on the subject, thank you so much ❤

[@ellislorant5479]

My Landlord/"friend" is emotionally reactive. Wants to be best friends and tell me everything she's feeling but when I set a boundary gets angry and dismissive and tells me I need to move out. It's been back and forth for months but I'm done. I realized I have lived there for 10 months, know them for years and they barely know me because they have zero interest in me aside from what's beneficial to them.

[@ellislorant5479]

But I have done this before and just hope I'll be able to end the cycle.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You're seeing the pattern- small steps :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Healingfromtheroot]

This video is exactly what I needed and have been searching for. Thank you!!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You are so welcome. Thank you for being here! - Ashley, Team Fairy

[@larrylorimer3065]

It took 3 marriage counsellors as she was firing them, the last one I said that was it for me and 8 months later I was removed never to see my children again. I got away and yet my children are suffering and nothing Dad can do for them as they are still living with her even in their 30's. I wish they could have had a childhood fairy!

[@Tarahastingshassan]

Amazing explanation. Best i’ve heard. Thank you ❤

[@DeborahLou72]

This is rather unnerving to me. I have several psychiatric diagnoses, one of which is borderline personality disorder, and I also have attachment issues from a very difficult, painful, and terrifying childhood. My daughter is 11, and I have been unable to be consistently there for her emotionally. Could there be a trauma bond here?

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You are the best person to answer this. The courses are designed to help you better self-assess your relationships, where we might fall short, where we might sell out and there are many strategies for healing going forward.

[@a.k.7424]

Hi Deborah, I think if you can acknowledge to your daughter that there were times that you were too upset to be there for her, and if you can try to communicate to her when you are upset that it isn't her fault and that it isn't about her, that can help her to keep her trust in her own feelings. I was "coparenting" with a violent, narcissistic ex who could never apologize to our daughter after he behaved badly, so I knew that when *I* messed up with her, or lost my temper, or made a mistake, that it would be really helpful to her if I could admit that I had made a mistake, and that I was sorry. I also made efforts to repair my mistake and to problem-solve once we were both calm. The other seemingly simple thing that was really helpful when I remembered to do it was to mirror her feelings, especially when she was little (if the feelings were obvious): "You look sad-- are you sad about leaving your dog?" My own mother battled depression, ptsd, and sometimes would explode angrily in scary ways, and it still means the world to me that she left no stone unturned trying to get healthier. Your child will notice if you keep working to get healthier, even if you still mess up here and there.

[@patricia4767]

I am dealing with this now and it’s so difficult 😞

[@richardmcgruder5437]

Boy this sure explains alot

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

So glad when I hear that!

[@anastasiyamemetova3849]

I love your videos so much!

[@Super.Whimsy]

Amazing video. Thank you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you liked it!

[@annabellepare]

exactly my previous marriage

[@Anita-dc6ks]

Me, definitely. With particularly one sibling. And friends I get too invested in. They each present differently but have the same root - a searching for real connection. Lots of me chasing , being lured in with crumbs then feeling ( used as a one sided support blanket ?) . Ignored when not useful. The worst thing now is that I recognise it. And the part I play in the cycle. But I don't know how to find friends healthily. Tbh I think my husband and I are trauma bonded as well. But that acts out differently. Not the high drama of my previous abusive relationships , but instead two people who didn't get much love and validation when young , circling each other ? ( me getting emotional scares him. So I shut it down. Any suggestions gratefully received)

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Taking the 'Healing Childhood PTSD' could radically help you with facing your own truths and fears safely. This, in turn, helps with all other human connections! bit.ly/39NxUBo -Cara@TeamFairy

[@mamasitatita]

I needed this 🙏🏼

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

:)

[@vixter28]

Been in a couple trauma bond relationships Yuck ! Feels horrible Latest one is a narcissist alcoholic! Just broke up last week!

[@dianeyoung8068]

Sounds like my relationship with my father and my mother to a lesser extent.

[@sadie9386]

Dear Fairy, please can you do a video for those of us who are trauma-bonded to our mother. Thank you.

[@EarthAirFireWaterSpirit]

I needed to see this

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

So glad you did!

[@alera520]

I noticed this even in my closets friends.. the one I though was my best friend is not really my friend anymore

[@evp911]

I was the child who was in the trauma bond, but now I’m the abuser to my romantic partners and I feel so messed up.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Check out these videos about CPTSD people in relationships. There might be something to help you and perhaps your partner. Don't Let Your Partner Blame You for Their CPTSD TRIGGERS kzbin.info/www/bejne/iF6vcmeYftCCnrM Is Your Partner Affected by Childhood Trauma? Here's What to Do. kzbin.info/www/bejne/ZmaTnKigaaacntE Partner with CPTSD? These Tips Can Help Have a Great Relationship kzbin.info/www/bejne/mnq6h4Wkd56CasU If Your PARTNER Has CPTSD, You'll Want to WATCH THIS kzbin.info/www/bejne/o6WWmX2cbth3arc Couples That Trigger Each Other's CPTSD Reactions: One-on-One Coaching with Anna kzbin.info/www/bejne/Y6mbiGeNrZV2i9U Fighting Doesn't Always Spell the End for Couples with CPTSD kzbin.info/www/bejne/b3K1YXx5oZt_aLs CPTSD: How to Stay Regulated in a Relationship kzbin.info/www/bejne/lWOkaZhvjsl9sNE Julie@TeamFairy

[@mysticmardi]

Is it possible to have a trauma bond with my adult child? It’s a similar pattern and the feelings are just as devastating and I constantly blame myself

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yes it is possible.

[@mysticmardi]

Well I listened to this one video here and the lengths I have gone to to try to connect are beyond self-respect what I would normally in a relationship be willing to do how do you break the cycle? It’s the one relationship I have with this PTSD it’s like hemorrhaging but I can’t bring back the past

[@mysticmardi]

I want so much to have peace but it seems unlikely I can distance myself in this relationship without betraying my feelings for her

[@dc3898]

How do people "learn to unlike this feeling" and find a way to have a relationship after trauma? How do we learn to overcome this conditioned response?

[@vanessamadrid2330]

I am afraid I am in a trauma bond but I think I may be the abuser? I keep playing hot and cold because of the anxiety I feel....just a feeling of something is horrible wrong and I freak out and want top leave but I can't ....I feel so lost and hopeless....He self diagnosed me with BPD and Narcissism...I do not want to be one of those types as I am feeling so much shame, guilt and helpless...I am in therapy and my therapist said I do not have BPD but I have CPTSD - I feel like I have emotionally abused him because I would freak out and act in a way that I could not control....I love him so much and I do not know how to let go - especially if I am the abuser I know I have to leave because I do not want to hurt him......I need help! I cannot go on like this. It hurts so much....I am at a loss

[@linncoox3611]

My partner with c-ptsd is stuggeling with isolation. I feel this is giving me a trauma bound response. I get seperation anxiety and gets wery sad and low whenever we are seperate because I always feel anxious that an isolation period could start if I leave. His fear driving this is when he feels worn out he (as most people do) has easier to get annoyed and that reminds him of his abusive father even thoght he dosnt do more than maybe sigh and raise his voice a little bit. I dont want to push him when he feels the need to isolate cause I belive its on his own plate. The trauma bond feeling is pretty much taking over the real bound and I am even thinking about ending it just to not be in this coodependent state of mind al the time even thogh i feel love and attraction for him and he is really good and kind, just cause the isolation is triggering. :'( Whats your thoght on how to keep the relationship healthy?

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I would recommend some of Anna's courses so you can better examine what you are getting out of (or not) this cycle. There is a lot of help available at www.crappychildhood.com and support where many others have had this EXACT issue (including me). It's not a hopeless situation :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@linncoox3611]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you Cara

[@ClandestineGirl16X]

The chicken part made me cry. I hope the owners of the chickens was arrested for animal abuse.

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

I'm in the middle of it right now.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We usually are with unhealed trauma, I'm glad you're learning more about the condition of CPTSD -Cara@TeamFairy

[@catheybottiau6365]

Wonderful, thank you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks so much for being here!

[@catheybottiau6365]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you for being here. This is very helpful. 🌹🙏