Understanding Enmeshment

Are my relationships enmeshed? How can I change enmeshed relationships? In this video, learn about enmeshed relationships, individuation, emotional dependency, codependency, and how to change dysfunctional, enmeshed relationship dynamics. #enmeshment #enmeshedfamily #weakboundaries #codependency
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Sharon Martin, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist specializing in codependency recovery with an online practice serving California residents. For the past 20 years, she’s been helping perfectionists and people-pleasers overcome self-doubt and shame, embrace their imperfections, learn to set boundaries, and reclaim their self-worth. Sharon writes the blog Conquering Codependency for Psychology Today and is the author of The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism and The Better Boundaries Workbook.

[@gulliver7419]

My mother was like this, very enmeshed. She did not like you to have your own opinions or even your own way of dressing. She decided I was a strong person when I was little and decided I didn't need to be nurtured (she actually told me this) and let me know with disapproving looks or sharp criticism if I didn't conform to her ideals. She often lacked empathy - I developed panic attacks at age 11 and she became irritated and told me that it was all in my mind. I walked through adult life lost, not knowing who I was and had panic attacks when I ventured too far from the family home. She became annoyed that I wasn't functioning properly in my life and would shame me for the very thing that she helped to create. I have come to realize that I am fearful avoidant in my relationship style with both friends and romantic partners (because of the enmeshment) and yet, ironically I have been drawn to narcissistic people because I guess they are familiar. I am working to deal with these issues but it takes time and can be lonely, painful and difficult as I don't trust people.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Thank you Sharon.....this is exactly what I’m struggling with as a widowed parent with 2 teen boys .....I really needed this reminder today 🌸

[@damienhunt4264]

It is important to note that in many cultures enmeshed families are the norm.

[@Alphacentauri819]

Some cultures are toxic, some societies are collectively insane. Just because it’s the “way it is” doesn’t mean it’s ok, or healthy. Slavery, misogyny, and many other toxic behaviors have been part of cultures and societies…and those are unhealthy and not ok.

[@jthouchens]

This is great Sharon. I’m 34 and realizing my mother enmeshed with me. She actually did exactly what you said in your video - she told me about her marital problems when I was 6. My question is, how do I go about letting her know she has this so she can become self aware and work on it? She is the kind of person who is willing to look at herself and make changes.

[@francesevelynrogers1123]

I understand this in a very deep and painful way. The looking back seemed to keep me safe until I t did not. I am 77 now and have had so many of the best people...giving me sad , controlling support. So thankful for stepping back in with solid boundaries. .

[@norobbery]

Amen! Fortunately, I am out of a 2 year relationship with my 57 year old girlfriend who was a member of a wholly enmeshed family. She and her sister actually lived in the same small town as their parents. If you yelled loud enough from an upstairs window, some family member would hear you. I had dated other girls (who obviously had a family) but nothing even came close to this level of involvement. I forgot to mention that there was an ex-husband living there too. One or more of the family talked to my girlfriend every day and we were pretty much expected to see them twice a week. I never reached the height of priority; family came first. My girlfriend also turned out to be a covert narcissist while her sister was more of an overt. With 2 grown kids thrown into the mix, not to mention sundry nieces and nephews; to say I felt "penciled into the back seat"' is an understatement. If you run across someone like this while dating, just politely excuse yourself from the room and then run like hell!

[@jerlynramos4708]

As with my country separation is really hard for young adults. Our parents took so much care for us when we were a child and do not let us work even when we're 18 already. When we finally graduate in college for around 20-23 years old. Our parents expects us to work for them they even think that almost half or even 80% of our salary are theirs. It's awful I know. I decided to get married this year which is not very common in my country unless you are pregnant already. Most of the adults here decides to get married in their early 30's and for those who get pregnant in their teenage years or even 20's still lives in their parent's home. So, my parents were surprised to my decision, especially when they found out that we are separating from our both parents and live on our own. But this decision I made was not possible without a help of a therapist. I am one of the lucky individuals here in the Philippines, who can get support like that and break this cycle that we have in our country. Thank you Ms. Sharon, my friends (my therapists) are from california too, you guys are great doctors. Your articles are so helpful. Hope to be a therapist in the near future too. ❤️❤️

[@MA-bo4yv]

I am almost 29f, and I relate to everything you said, especially half or 80% of our salary, African parents are so similar to some Asian parents, it's huge burden to me, I wish to get married soon, because trying to change them is impossible.

[@suefinnerty4482]

Thanks Sharon. So many takeaways in this video.

[@brendawells3154]

This was a great explanation. Thank you

[@nataliebeutel7515]

Excellent treatment of this topic, Sharon. Thank you.

[@samdekker90]

I'm a 33YO male and only this week came to the conclusion that I have spent pretty much my entire life in an enmeshed family. It's quite a big epiphany that has me researching the idea. My girlfriend basically made me realise that my family is too close. My mum is too emotionally needy with her children (I already knew this part). My dad always lacked boundaries. And a large part of my childhood was spent in what you could probably call a cult - a highly enmeshed extended family and friend group based on religion that had a single charismatic leader. Anything outside of this was considered evil or wrong. I was quickly out of there in my mid teens. But never really realised the extend my family enmeshment still affects me into adulthood. In my 20s I experienced being told by two family members that I need to be "more family orientated" despite making time for them all at birthdays and events. I have a sibling living with me long term and doesn't seem in a hurry to get their own place. I have another sibling who has their own family, but often overstay their welcome. I have realised my boundaries are not clear and I have let my family cross them without me saying anything. I am done. Thanks for this video.

[@punitsharma68]

I am 32 , I am also struggling with enmeshment

[@alvarosoto8880]

Hello, I am looking for guidance with my spouse . I live in Miami.

[@kimchiandchicken]

Any suggestions for therapists who focus on this topic that are located in Ohio?

[@norobbery]

I would respectfully disagree with you on your last point about how to address this. I would say, look for this during dating and if you know that you are a person who needs quality (and some quantity) time, then this probably isn't the person for you regardless of how nice, good looking or thoughtful they appear to be. If you try to even reach a compromise on the amount of time your partner gets together with her/his parents, not to mention if there is a sibling or two thrown in there that they just love hanging out with, you are going to get some major push back from everybody including your partner. There is a good chance you will be resented covertly for trying to mess with their set up. And, you will be called "controlling", I can promise you that one. No, I wouldn't even fight this one. I'd simply hit the door.

[@bking50482]

Exactly what I did. Beautiful girl i was dating but my god the family dynamic was always just chaos. Constantly guilt trippin her for being with me after her father passed, coming to her with all family problems, supporting her when she was in the wrong just crazy

[@Sally-ih6ls]

So what if you help their parents…the spouse is very insecure if the child wants to spend time with parent, maybe the child/parent are close, encourage family togetherness, work on the family. The other spouse needs to grow up and respect their spouses wants/needs if they want a close relationship with parents. Of course there’s always balance

[@jackiep5009]

Putting a family member’s needs FIRST and being violent toward the spouse is not healthy FOR ANYONE. There is a reason “A man it to leave his mother and cleave to his wife” is in the Bible - ancient teaching of healthy life.

[@Sally-ih6ls]

@@jackiep5009 not if the wife is a narcissist