Masturbation In Relationships? - A SEX Therapist's Guidelines for Self Pleasure

Is it ok to masturbate when you’re in a relationship? Is it weird to still want to masturbate even if you have a partner? Should your partner be fulfilling all of your sexual needs? Do you have to tell your partner what you’re doing? Does it count as cheating?
What’s the proper masturbation etiquette? Is that even a thing?!
We dive right into this spicy topic and give you our best tips for navigating masturbation in your relationship!
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How To Start Talking About Sex With Your Partner - Even If You Never Have Before
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Hi there!
I’m Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.
I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, Lifehacker, Rolling Stone, GQ, Esquire, Playboy, and many more.
I look forward to helping you take your sex life from ordinary to extraordinary!
Get my weekly emails (and a free gift!) by signing up at: vmtherapy.com/...
#masturbation #sextherapy #sex #relationships #communication #expectationsvsreality #ltr #longtermrelationship #marriage #relationshiphealth #sexualhealth #talkaboutsex #talk #communicationhacks #sexandrelationships #sexpectations #romantic #romance #sexy #relationshiphacks #sexhacks #sexandintimacy #selfpleasure

[@benjeanettebooth1800]

An excellent open discussion about a topic that needs less shame and guilt in married and long term relationships.

[@beadgalb]

Great video. So many people and / or couples feel masturbation is taboo like you said. We all need to expand our sexual horizons.

[@alexandralavigne8601]

I just found all of your videos today and they have calmed me and helped me so much with how to bring stuff up in my relationship.

[@vanessaandxander]

I'm so glad to hear that, Alexandra!

[@bobh9817]

Great video guys!!!! Wife and I are learning to incorporate this into our lives and it’s been great!!!!

[@ananieves7619]

Honestly this helps. Not until my 30s did I think it was ok and gave myself permission to do it and not be ashame of it. I wish it wasn't like that especially for females.

[@Workerbee2024]

I love it and never had any hang ups about it. Doesn’t matter if it is in or out of a relationship. I can do what I want with my own body.

[@vanessaandxander]

YES! Love this!!

[@bigrigchristfollower9020]

Actually that's wrong if your follower of God because it says in the Bible that your body is not your own and it says not to keep from your spouse cuz when you're married your body belongs to your spouse and your spouse has your body so it says in the Bible don't hold from your spouse except for fasting and when you come into agreement so I agree that you can masturbate but if you're following God it is only supposed to be between you and your spouse

[@yeisonalvarez6842]

I wish I was with a woman like you, mine does not allow it and makes me feel shameful

[@ackerjawaka4742]

​@@yeisonalvarez6842my ex used to love doing it for me 😜

[@TheLayinLo]

@@yeisonalvarez6842 I know it’s crazy right?! My ex explicitly forbid it. She shamed me for bringing the topic up! I came to find out after we had been together four years that she had been doing it the whole time. I caught her ‘red handed’ and then she looked me right in the eyes and said she wasn’t. All I could say was, “Well you are aren’t playing monopoly.” 😂 i ended it because I love myself enough to not tolerate being in a relationship with a liar and hypocrite.

[@HektorBandimar]

Relationships have always messed up my masturbatory life, I was married and I have been in several long term relationships. The relationships alway break down in the same way, I manage to stay interested sexually for about a year, then my interest rapidly cools down to the point where I avoid sex altogether. I much prefer masturbation to being tied down to a routine sexual relationship with the same person day in day out.

[@florbaquero3685]

I have recently found your videos and I want to thank you for the great information, tools, tricks you provide to help people have a healthy and strong relationship. Your videos are very helpful and informative...

[@hammerandthewrench7924]

I think it matters to be honest and set boundaries if desired. This is a private thing, so I personally do not want to hear, or be at risk of walking in on someone doing that. It triggers me due to some trauma. But I also don’t mind that he does that, I get it. And it’s totally fine but it’s not fine to make others a part of it against their will. Especially if they’ve brought it up.

[@AndrewLesterTimothyBourne]

Absolutely empowering and improve awareness, with this information I could be a lot more mature personally, thank you both, Andrew.

[@scottfergusson8411]

If your partner is not putting out or is not in the mood….they SHOULD NOT keep you from getting a good release.

[@evanprince3564]

Very helpful, people need this kind of education.

[@travishall6548]

Love it! Great info, Plus it's grounded in science. The only thing I had a hang up on, was I could tell that he was reading from a teleprompter and could see it in the reflection of her glasses so it might be seen as less genuine and I get the idea of a script so you can stay on topic and get all the info in the video without rambling. I get it I do. Just my impression and opinion. Like I said other than that I think this video is a blessing.

[@vanessaandxander]

Thank you for the feedback, Travis! It's helpful to hear. In our more recent videos, we've been branching out more and going off script. We recognize that authenticity is more important than a perfectly planned out script :)

[@einarreriksson4598]

I'm trying to get my wife to do it. I bought her toys. It's not about me watching, although I wouldn't be against it, I want to help her with her anxiety disorder. I know that orgasms release natural hormones along with reducing cortisol. I think that a big reason that she is reluctant is how she got raised and the stigma tied to it. I personally have thrown those out the window. I have no problem with taking matters into my own hand, literally.

[@katiepowell4772]

I’ve always had the opinion that it’s a disgusting thing and it’s just been a guy thing….but recently had a little conversation with my boyfriend about it, because his had a sexual relationship before but I haven’t and he has mentioned it to me. I’ve never had any sexual experience and never anything with myself and wouldn’t have a clue about touching (how to) myself/masturbation wish there was some in depth info on it for people who are completely new to the world of masturbation

[@vanessaandxander]

Thanks for sharing, Katie! We'd love for you to check out our Masturbation Masturclass at shop.vmtherapy.com/masturbation-masturclass/! It's designed for anyone looking to learn more about their own pleasure, body, and confidence in and out of the bedroom. Hope this helps! 💖

[@tressannbryan2502]

Unfortunately some partners demonizes masturbation talking about its an evil spirit and a sin.

[@martyeich23]

Thanks guys. Great video. Communication is the key to a happy healthy relationship. I guess I’m really lucky or somehow made some good decisions. The only time wife and I don’t have sex when one of us wants it, is if one of us not feeling well or if we are both too busy. I’m 67, wife is 68. We have great sex almost every day.

[@alexandrariabova7874]

Great information!

[@catta_h]

Great video! I have a new LDR and we had a wonderful long distance video call intimacy before we met in person, he traveled to meet and of course the psychical connection was amazing as expected but we said goodbye a week ago and we still Video call Daily but he doesn’t want any intimacy in video call he said he felt how good is in real with me and he Misses me and doing it himself isn’t the same. I don’t know if this is true. We also had some talks about how difficult will be for us to be together in the future because our distance is huge and there is a Language barrier, anyway he says he loves me and shows interest but the intimacy dynamic has changed. Can be because we met 11 days ago and he needs more time to feel desire again? Can be the emotions lately are too big and he can’t think of this at the moment? We will meet again in November and are waiting for that day but I was concerned by the sexual part in distance Thanks for the advice

[@justinjames4446]

Fantastic information.

[@vikkipickering646]

Great info

[@nhorkansi270]

Thanks only now i found it

[@zaggner]

You guys are awesome!

[@vanessaandxander]

Thank you!!

[@crystalswan5785]

I disagree

[@0morphine0]

I can not find on your website how to contact you to set up sessions with my wife. Please advise.

[@vintageragdoll1991]

I know You're not in the business of giving out free therapy but how do I get over my partners addiction to pornography and masturbation when it's been used as a tool against me when "I act up, act. A certain way?" It doesn't matter how far I've came and worked through changing myself It still keeps happening and It still gets lied about until I have evidence to prove otherwise.

[@TheLayinLo]

I’m not a therapist and not licensed for anything like that but I do have real world experience with a partner like yours. If your partner is punishing you or using it as a tool to modify your behavior it is time to leave. No maybe, you must. Rather than go into a bunch of details here, I will suggest you find a source of support emotionally and a confidant that you can have candid conversations and ‘reality checks’ with. I wish you the best and hope you find someone who will appreciate you and support you.

[@mario18guate]

What can I do now?

[@kbanghart]

What do you want to do now?

[@mario18guate]

@@kbanghart idk I feel so confused

[@aerodylluk2543]

I've always done it from a very early age. As an adult I am fine with it, fine with my partner doing it. But I try not to do it as an alternative to my partner. For me if I am in the mood and my partner is in, I ask if she wants to have sex. If she isn't she may offer to help me if she feels like it, if not then I may just go and sort it out myself if I feel I have a real need. Often if she helps me she gets in the mood in the process so that is a win, sometimes though I just have to deal with it on my own, I've even masturbated next to my partner in bed. We are very open about this kind of thing. I'm not like this with every partner and only really do this when I feel a real urge and for some reason or other she is not available at that moment. It has enabled me to feel much more open about my body, habits and sexuality.

[@balticstain7150]

Hiya i did comment but never got a reply...

[@SeniorAdrian]

There's a difference between masturbation and masturbation while watching porn.

[@JacobWillumsen]

Why ? If it's not ok to watch porn while masturbating. It is equally not ok to fantasize while masturbating.

[@matty8272]

Tried it. Nothing special. Married and I have yet to enjoy sex. It's like a job that I'm not being paid for. Your confusing needs and wants. Food water and shelter are needs. Everything else is a want.

[@MissChocolateTraveler]

1. Maybe you’re asexual? 2.) maybe you had a lot of meaningless sex when you were younger? 3.) Do you associate sex with shame? These are common for people who feel like sex is a job! Learning more may, help you enjoy it again! Goodluck :)

[@matty8272]

@@MissChocolateTraveler it's hard to enjoy something that's never been enjoyable. It's only ever been a let down. People talk it up to be some amazing feeling thing and it's not. All the work for a tiny little tingle isn't my definition of pleasure. I get more enjoyment from a good meal.

[@MissChocolateTraveler]

@@matty8272 that’s completely understandable! Many people just don’t enjoy sex, and if you identify as asexual there’s nothing wrong with loving your partner but not being super interested in sex! Cooking together is a good way to bond :) and enjoying a good meal it’s always nice! It’s awesome that you’re open and honest

[@tapeweight]

Quick Shot saved my marriage. I wish my wife loved 🥰 that feeling of climax . But not her thing … #Cuddles but I still love her so much . So I’ll go into the closet … lol 😂

[@lisskreutz2051]

What's quickshot?

[@stephenluke2347]

Living in a sexless marriage for more than 30 yrs after a good sex life interupted by ED it is the logican soution to my needs.

[@robal53]

Very helpful. Thank you both for your openness and honesty

[@crystalswan5785]

This is not a video for somebody trying to get pregnant. I need opinions and I'm sure a lot of other women need opinions and Men about what to do about masturbation when you trying to get pregnant and the person you're with smokes marijuana so you could only do it around the time that the woman is fertile.!