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i couldnt be grateful about studying at cambridge, and i felt very bad about it. my time at cambridge, though it looked fun, magical, and amazing - was very painful for me. it revealed to me parts of myself i didnt know i had, new heights i didnt know i could fall from, and pain so… intangible, so weird, so deep, so… unnecessary that still dug its way into my heart.
i didnt know this was going to be my battle. THIS. the very thing i actually thought i could handle - it was not it for me. but in hindsight, only in hindsight, i could take a thing or two to be grateful about. the way it taught me self acceptance, self forgiveness, and self love.
it took me some time to realise why i have been hating myself so much. at first i thought it was my look (i gained a lot of weight back then), but it was just a red herring. it was that i hated me for not being able to prove myself that i “could” - that i could be a “cambridge material” of some sort. when i didnt, it was very hard to face myself and to face my parents, and to face everyone else. i lost. i lost the battle i thought i could have won. and it was painful. especially for someone growing up putting academic validation above everything else.
but hey.
i’m here. i’m still here. and i’m at a much better place now regardless. perhaps it means i had won the real battle. i didn’t succumb to the result. i marched on. and i’m proud of myself for that.
hugging myself for holding on. thank you, thank you, thank you.
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