WHEN THE INFJ FINALLY STOPS TRYING TO BE SOCIAL (this happens)

[@alexanderlai9160]

I feel bad for friends that struggled through the pandemic. I was fortunate enough to be able to work remotely... and it has been the best 2 years of my life! The pandemic gave me the excuse to be the introvert that I knew I always was. Now that things are "going back to normal", it has gotten more difficult to live so carefree.

[@flux_inverter4500]

I agree. The Zombie Apocalypse was a blessing to introverts. Though, not much changed in my life as I have been "socially distancing" my whole introverted life. It was nice to not have that expectation of socializing.

[@EnviroArtiste86]

i work in a grocery store, i was sooooo jealous for everyone who got to work from home!!!

[@jamlaw]

So true!!! I feel like I'm leaving this introverted wonderland where everyone got to ("had to") do just what I usually want to do and the world around me felt quiet. Like now I was "fitting in" because everyone was socially doing what I usually do! I felt safe and lucky to be healthy so I say that with that caveat of course. I definitely feel this agonizing pull getting "back to normal" too, realizing more than ever how awful it feels like everyone just forgot this time of introspection and (relative) peace. Like why would you fools want to go back to the same chaotic social sh*t?! It's been a hefty slog.

[@maximinoblas1171]

I understand 👍 😐

[@AL-dy1lj]

Oh what an understatement

[@thomasneal7126]

When I was in my 20's and 30's the harder I tried to fit in socially the worse I was treated by everybody around me. There was a strange side to this though. People I knew in my social circle never liked being around me in social settings like parties, family gatherings, nights out at the bar etc. but if any of these people ever had a tragic event in their life, I was the first person they called.

[@billfarley9167]

So hang on to that, because it's who you are. All your other "stuff" was simply you trying to fit in. Become comfortable in your own skin and life will be good.

[@Alexocull2]

Same. It was always awkward and I could tell people loved me, but they hate inviting me to social events. At first, I was wanted, then not excepted because I was awkward and I hate small talk. Then less invites... then no invites at all ,even to the things I would enjoy... I like nature, zoos, museums, libraries... boyfriends that take me to big family functions I'm not comfortable and awkward...then no invites to smaller functions like camping where I might have had a chance...

[@kacake]

I feel you, they only come to us when they are in trouble, I want something positive coming from my social circle, well, honestly I can only handle 2 to 3 friends but for life, I just really want 1 special person who can have deep conversations with, extraordinary adventure, and active spiritual life

[@jefffisher3455]

I greatest decision I ever made as an INFJ was when I was at a party and I chose to not lift a finger to engage in any actions in the direction of moving into social interaction. For the first time in my life I left a party in a high energy state, in love with myself and life. I’m through with socializing to “fit in.”

[@Automedon2]

Boy you hit the nail on the head. The best part of any gathering, for me, is getting in the car to leave. It's a sense of freedom. For years I've accepted invitations to Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners from well meaning people who thought I'd be lonely. Last Thanksgiving I turned down invitations for the first time and what a sense of relief. God bless the people who think to invite me, but I can't go through the awkwardness of being in groups any longer. I'm retired, and only work 3 days, but apart from that I'm alone in my house and I finally, after all these years feel like I'm who I'm supposed to be.

[@jefffisher3455]

@@Automedon2 I'm happy you found your way! 🧡 Thanks for sharing!

[@marcp.1752]

Me too. No more "socializing". I don't care about the masses, don't care what the others (may) think anymore...i'm done with this.

[@jamlaw]

Oh wow that's amazing! I had a rough social night the other night on the edge of not wanting to be there or be very social, yet felt swept up and obligated to engage (in karaoke, or talking to my friend)... I was bouncing all over the place, caught between two truths/ways of being. I'm now overthinking and beating myself up for being all over the place (even though externally I was looking like I "fitting in" most likely). It strikes me as being able to receive. Like we have so much practice giving, to be in a state at a social event of receiving, as you did, sounds liberating and refreshing!

[@jamlaw]

@@Automedon2 oh so true! I left an event the other night that rattled me and didn't go as well as I had hoped. I peeled out and made a U turn and zoomed home like I was in the Fast and the Furious lol. It was amazing.

[@hollyhayes9640]

As an INTJ, I agree: find your own niche, and you'll find other people in that same niche.

[@pkpk5307]

INFJ be careful with Narcissistic people!

[@nicholamc2629]

This mind shift was epic for me. I go weeks without seeing anyone and don’t feel like a weirdo anymore for doing this. I have a small group of friends, all of whom I’ve had for years and they get that they probably won’t see me for a very long time but when they need me I am there for them. Texts and the occasional phone call is what I’m willing to give in the times when support isn’t needed. I left a toxic work environment but haven’t discovered what I want to do yet however, I’m not willing to take the risk of going back in to a working environment that has the potential to crush my soul again so am taking my time. I have lived alone for the last ten years and will never live with another person again. It takes too much. Finally, I know that all of this is okay! Finally. ❤

[@billfarley9167]

You did exactly what needed to be done. When one becomes comfortable in their own skin, especially living alone and continue to have a few close friends that understand you, then you've arrived!

[@aramis5301]

As an INFJ, I mastered the "island" thing very early on, but as you say... Although it's better than codependency, it is not fulfilling, either. And now I'm stuck in this phase because I was forced to move again and again, and whenever I DO manage to make the kind of "special" friends I truly connect with, they are the ones who have to go away. And after so many years of being "self-sufficient", I can't really stand it anymore. It's like I've reached an overdose of being alone all the time. I know very well how to live on my own, and I definitely won't compromise my values or pretend to be someone I'm not, in order to make friends, because I understood a long time ago that it's a bad idea. Still, I have no choice but to force myself to go out, again and again, otherwise I'll just never meet the few people I really do need to feel happy. And it's so, so hard to meet them, let alone meet a potential partner that isn't scared of me, that it's becoming really hard to remain hopeful.

[@melvinloyalist6758]

This cut me to my core. I’m in this exact same position right now as well. Thanks for commenting this, Aramis. You’re not alone, friend!

[@guitarman0365]

Yup. Even people fine being alone still need something otherwise we end up painting a volleyball and calling it Wilson. Lol it does get tiring being "different"

[@Mahtalliel]

I can relate to this. I need my alone time and I understood long time ago that I don't like engaging in the social gatherings at the same level as other people. But at the same time I crave having meaningful relations, that are not possible if I won't put myself out there. I moved to this city 5 years ago, I was busy with work, then pandemic came... now I'm making an effort to meet strangers to at least find 2-3 people that i can hang out with from time to time in the place I live. Sometimes I suddenly feel so scared of being alone and not needed by anyone. It's truly terryfing

[@Mo-xn4cx]

I exactly felt that way too and Hard the Same conclusion + i recognized i Need to search in places where people with the Same interests are for example i think if im backpacking im More likely to find a matching personality than in a Club since i like hiking and Philosophie about Life Were clubbing feels pointless since im not having fun and i dislike that music

[@Mahtalliel]

@Shanna it seems like most people are satisfied with having very superficial relationships

[@DoTheThing.locals]

In my experience, pretending to be normal cost me multitudes more energy and stress than just being myself and letting people go if they don’t accept the way I am.

[@billfarley9167]

I recommend you read "The Myth of Normal" by Gabor Mate. An excellent read.

[@kyleesmily3433]

Learning about this has helped me so much I’m tired of thinking I’m socially awkward people just don’t understand shit like I do I hate Smalltalk and big crowds I just want conversation I can chew on you know😢

[@wr4050]

Me too. Nope I don't try. People don't get me that's fine with me. Im not antisocial or awkward. Im on a higher wavelength governed by truth.

[@wr4050]

And I agree with you Kylee. I hate crowds. I hate gossip and small talk. I love intellectual and depth. I am deep, a deep thinker and a deep feeler. As INFJS we just dont fit into this crappy society or life. We are called for a higher purpouse. I dont care what others think of me or say about me. No I dont fit in and never have. I'm a leader not a follower. I dont follow the crowd or the latest trend. I'm not a sheep. Im a lion. Except I am a sheep of the MOST HIGH GOD. Yes, only He is my Shepard and can lead me. No one else. I hope this encourages you too! 😚

[@makeitcount2985]

Same.. Small talk 😴😴😴😴😴😴

[@angieang26]

@@wr4050 we are the same people don't get me and just ignored me especially at jobs. A couple of people even told me if I don't change and become social I wouldn't make it in the world. In the beginning neighbors tried but they eventually gave up on me and ignored me.

[@EveningTV]

Depending on who you have around you, it might be a very shocking thing when you are forced to cash in on all those years you were there for others. In my case, I hit a health crisis when I was 33 years old and I realized that I was surrounded by people who were not ever going to be there for me if I was the one who had needs. I think it is great that people are figuring these things out a lot earlier than I did!

[@HomerSimpson85]

Everything you mentioned really hits home for me. I also had an onset health crisis when I was around 32-33 from being exposed to toxic black mold in my apartment building I was living in at the time, as well as being under relentless chronic stress for so long. I contracted this not too long after developing Shingles, followed by Viral Hepatitis just months apart from each other. I'm still dealing with the same/worsening health issues/struggles five years later now. I've developed M.E/CFS and Fibromyalgia, which includes debilitating neurological and sensory issues, such as intense pain, malaise/flu-like symptoms, exhaustion, dizziness, nausea, and vomiting from extreme sensitivities to noise, lights, stimuli, physical and/or mental/cognitive exertion, etc.. I've realized now in my late-thirties that I'm on the Autism Spectrum, which would explain my neuro-sensory issues, lifelong social issues, constant social awkwardness, along with my lack of success with long-term relationships, employment, as well as connecting with others in general, despite being a genuine, down-to-earth, nice guy. I'm still going to be my quirky self as I've always been my whole life, regardless of whether others like it or not. I refuse to be anything other than that. If others can't accept me for who I truly am, especially after all these years, then that's their problem. I've learned that nobody should have to change who they truly are just to be accepted and respected throughout all areas of society.

[@lunarae8037]

Same here. Realized when I went through several health crisis that there were three people there were two people there for me out of dozens in my life. Puts it all into perspective. After years of giving and giving to others. Protecting my energy and still a compassionate person but energy is in the reserves now!

[@Groovytunes96]

Omg same thing happened to me, had a health crisis where I was gravely ill basically couch bound for a year.. then realised I had no one (other than my son) that cared. Now I'm a lot better I'm thinking to move away from the place I was born and away from my mother. My world is so small here now there's no one I liaise with. I door slammed the last 2 friends who turned on me at the time I needed them the most.

[@angelanicholson951]

Same, aged 32.

[@toota9125]

Same at 33

[@atticninja9194]

This is the mind shift I finally had. It’s just a way of changing the thought patterns. The only peoples who’s opinions matter, are the people who’s opinions I validate and give respect to. If you own yourself as an INFJ, you will become a shining light and attract way more people than you want around. I spent the first 3/4 of my life trying to fit in. It’s a terrible double edged sword to be able to understand everyone around you and what they’re thinking and feeling and not being able to fit in. As soon as you stop caring, they will come.

[@aramis5301]

It's not always true, though. I'm in an environment where there is almost no one who is my age, and has the same lifestyle. It's either people who are much older, or even slightly older but already have a spouse and kids (so completely different from me). Or people who have a similar lifestyle to mine, but are younger and more immature. And there is also a high turnover among people in my age group. So basically, yes, I will occasionally effortlessly bond with the kind of "special" people I connect with. But they never stay. And after a while, if I don't go out of my way to meet new people, I truly end up being alone all the time. And while I'm very much used to being alone and living alone, at one point, it's just no longer bearable (I'm talking basically my entire adult life, like almost 20 years spent with very few friends and only less than a year with a partner). I'm always a bit skeptical when people say, "stop trying and people will come to you". Well... Sometimes, they just don't. I think there's some real survivor bias in this way of thinking. If you don't care and do nothing, and prioritize other things (work, personal projects, etc), sometimes you just end up with no friends and no partner (I should know, because that's what I did).

[@Romans1-8]

@@aramis5301 same. gotta get out of your comfort zone. The longer you stay the smaller the box gets the more you push the larger it grows. Try new things... twice! Just to be sure you didn't like it the first time. You'll be surprised. The deep connection I longed for was actually a longing for self integration. That type of connection is impossible with others as they are not you. I realized I was being too rigid in my standards of others. They are not me and have their own value system that exists outside of any concept of me. Namaste!

[@nafy522]

@@aramis5301 members of my family are older than me i tried to be myself with them and they told me i was kinda awkward so now i won't try to be myself with them

[@jerrodlopes186]

I just surrendered to reality and found joy. I no longer long for companionship and I don't shy away from it either. I accept things as they are. Contentment is awesome. It comes down to a choice to be really willing to let go. Let go of ideas of how things should be and just accept and appreciate what is. As an INFJ I find that even if I did have friends they really wouldn't understand me anyway. Being fully transparent, I do have a wife who gets me somewhat. She's an INTP. She's just not into the super deep material I ponder. I've also found that a great way to drive people away is to expect too much out of them. When people grow older and mature, most often they don't long for constant companionship, or even every 3 or 5 days. Mature people can fill their time without the need to be with others but a little while once or twice a week. I go to Bible study one day a week for an hour or two and that's enough to keep me going. I used to go more often, but it was too much. I could write a book on the subject but I think I will stop for now. I advise seeking liberation from all our conditioned ideas and seek to just be content with whatever situation arises. Be well.

[@aramis5301]

@@jerrodlopes186 If you have a wife, then you are not talking about the same reality as we are. I have absolutely no one, except for my parents and my brother, and a few friends but who live far away. I know for a fact that SOME people can understand me, and that no matter how much I try to trick myself into thinking "I don't need anyone to be happy", it's not true. Again, I am a highly independent person and have lived alone for my entire adult life. I don't "need" anyone to take care of me, or protect me, or complete me. But I want to have at least a few people around me that enrich my life. And obviously, constant contact is absolutely not what I'm after, either... I am an INFJ, I can be alone for a long time without it being a problem, and I already fill my life with LOTS of things (ice skating, dancing, music, learning languages, not to mention a highly stimulating job...) but being alone all the time and having no one to connect to at all is NOT a good life for me.

[@nancyneyedly4587]

OMG, the codependency! And filling a role others have designated for you! Once I stopped these things, I was then told I was "aloof" by some and lost those people in my life, but then found out the real relationships I had cause they stuck around.

[@johnnycapps472]

Yep I feel that..... As an infj male I don't find friends easy

[@Charles-kr5pf]

It was such a burden as a teen and early 20’s trying to fit in now I feel no need to do that and it’s so invigorating

[@Tam712]

The statement- "you play a role for people." It's great. It's how I feel or have felt in certain relationships. But I have known, that I was that friend they needed at a difficult time or for a season. Once they found their feet or there was a shift in the friendship, I knew I had played my part. I could release them from my life, being happy for them & without issues. I can do this knowing it will likely never be reciprocated.

[@JonasAnandaKristiansson]

YES, beautiful and relate!

[@folday6169]

Allowing myself to be myself and to be less social comes as a wonderful relief!!! 🌜Fred

[@ritapayton9558]

This is so much my personality, I have felt like it's been hard for me to fit in for most of my life. It's good to know that I am not alone.

[@angieang26]

I haven't fit in since I was 12 years old. And I stopped trying because I can't seem to find people with the same personality as me. Introvert with social anxiety.

[@lauraburdopilatespreacher6878]

As an INFJ, in my mid-fifties, I’ve gradually traversed out of co-dependancies with family, friends, and clients - this took intention and years, felt so uncomfortable yet fabulous w/ each successful shift or quit. Now, I’m loving 2.) Independence ~ living socially as an island, it feels so special! 🎉 Ofc, as an INFJ, I’m aware that there is MORE. I’m on the look-out for it. ❤

[@YAMISOOLD2009]

I'm at the same place I think Laura. Wenzes has given me a new outlook on what is going on with us. I played roles for years hoping to win approval. Almost four years ago I left my last job because I finally realized that THAT role is one I know longer wish to play. My career choice was never really my own. I sort of fell into it...again as a way to please someone. I am lucky because I have a wife who loves her job and is still working and is not resentful that I quit. But over these past four years I have become untethered to all the people in my life who I used to take pains to "relate to". That energy output was exhausting me as well as the work misfit. I am now a (relative) island if I subtract my wife and two children. But as I heal and my energy is increasing, I am optimistic that I may have other opportunities for growth and possibly income. But I resolve to never live someone else's life again or be the secondary character in someone else's movie. Whatever I do going forward will be a fit for me like a hand in a glove and will energize me rather than exhaust me. I don't know about you but I inspired by Wenzes!

[@GG-rk1bu]

I love this! Thank you for letting me know there's light at the end of the infj tunnel 👍🏾😁

[@whfowle]

At some point, I realized that I was better off when I did what I wanted to do, go where I wanted to go, and delve into arts and crafts that I wanted to develop. I will honor any commitment I take on but I'm much more careful about what I commit to do. If I don't like something or someone, I just walk away. It is so freeing for me and I have been far more relaxed since I quit trying to please others. Going alone is just fine. This whole social concept is like living in a jail. I realized I don't gain anything from so called friends that really are seeking something from me. Real friends provide just as much for me as I will for them.

[@williamthompson7020]

Hypocrites, small-talk, two-face people annoy me. I've carried these people around for years. Thank God I'm free now. No more foolishness.

[@leticiatoraci9855]

Great video! People are often assigning roles to you and don't see the person beyond that mold. Break out and be yourself. Stop giving others more than what you get back.

[@lindateuling7862]

One of the biggest doses of self-realization came to me at 18 years old. I experienced the.sense of "obligation" to help others, as you describe so well. But for me there was also a complication: that I was "supposed" to want this - and that "fitting in" was supposed to be the highest reward to get from the Tree of Relationships - and was "really" what everyone wanted. WantIng to "fit," (carefully separated from the idea of conformity) I was confusing because there were other things that I wanted as much or more than socializing. About two and a half weeks of dorm life as a freshman in college taught me that - in spite of what my ESFJ mother believed. I appreciated the points you made - they explained a lot. 1. Stop giving more into relationships than I'm getting back. Yes, for sure. 2. I also appreciated the review of the 3-step process. (Codependence, independence, interdependence.) 3. We're actually aware of how society behaves and are concerned about being judged (we definitely don't like it; who does?). I learned a great deal from my father on doing my own thing. Like me, he was a "friendly introvert," and he had a large amount of confidence in his abilities but wasn't arrogant about it - and he shared some of his own challenges and how he handled it. He was, in a pre-Myers-Briggs way, helping me to "step out of the box." At this stage of my life, I've made my "own" box, and I'm periodically stepping out of that one, too." 🙂

[@spagmarco]

Thank you Wenzes. I spent all my youth trying hard to find enjoyment in things all other people were doing but at a deeper level I knew I didn't give it a damn. I was looking for something different and deeper, at 33 years old I started to desert silly gatherings, such as wedding parties and follow my own real interests, studied hard in happy solitude to switch job and ended up working in travel industry in the other side of the world for 25 years. Now, at 59 years old, if I look at my self from outside I can proudly say that I am immensely happy of the choice made years earlier. What an incommensurable feeling to know that you have lived your own life!!

[@databasenomad]

After so many video's about my search of why I am an INFJ - this is the first one that makes sense. I'm a digital nomad and 62 year old - The nomadic life was my way to cope with real life. Thank you so much - I will look into other of your video's and maybe attend one of your courses - Thanks

[@dayamitrasaraswati6276]

Not trying to fit in anymore is freedom for me.

[@richardmattocks]

This shift literally happened to me in the last month or so. It was a revelation when it happened. The release / relief has been phenomenal and I’m still processing it.

[@JonasAnandaKristiansson]

[@soylentlolmilk]

As an INFJ i find that trying to be how everyone expects me to be 'out there' is exhausting and at the end of it, I have felt like i don't even know who i am any more, like an imposter. I'm anxious about showing the parts of myself that make me, me...especially my shadow side which is dark and sarcastic. I'm the one telling the story that people don't 'get.' I find it really hard (even in a big city) to find 'my people,' and so i spend time at home just pursuing my interests and thinking my thoughts. On the other hand, I'm always the one making the effort with people and i don't get much back as far as long lasting relationships. If i'm out of sight, i'm out of mind.

[@billfarley9167]

I can relate to that. Am now 90 and it wasn't until I was about 75 when I stopped being what I thought other people wanted me to be. Still remaining kind and helpful when required but in the end, didn't really care squat what people thought of me.

[@kavettahulse]

As a nurse I have to be social. But it does mentally wear me out. I work psych and between patients and coworkers sometimes I have to go decompress and have quiet.

[@thequattro20v]

Is this something that you are good at because it's your work. The social part, I can be good at social if it's work related but when it's off work i'm really terrible? Kinda Jekyll vs. Hyde that way.

[@matthewsolidum3494]

This is how I felt thru the years, for me, to be accepted by my friends and family, I need to socialize even more and please them even though i dont feel like it. Propably because we as INFJs are aware on what society wants and we know how to adapt with it. To an over extent, sometimes we feel like we dont know who we are. We're doing things on auto pilot. Watching this video, helped me tremendously. It gave me the confidence and power that I dont need to be very social that much in order for people to like me. It's okay to own who you are despite what other people think.

[@user-oj5bw7sl8p]

Absolutely correct description of the main INF-challenge! When I started to prioritize my own ideas, time, health, peace of mind, I became so much happier!

[@VenomLeon]

I really needed to hear this, as I am currently fighting depression and trying to figure out where the problem lies in order to turn things around. You are absolutely correct about becoming interdependent and to stop giving more than you continuously receive. I'm so done and tired with stretching my arms so much for people in order to be seen as the guy that seems to have everything "right" and "together" according to social expectations. Bending myself for so long has made me see the exhausting consequences of not having _my_ personal needs met enough. I need to be ME, much much more than ever. Thanks 🙏

[@mileinfjvlogs]

Lately I was thinking about something you said in the video: It's okay to go your own way. it's okay to look crazy. It's okay if you're with your family and out of nowhere you want to be alone and go for a walk. and yes, everyone will look at you weird. and yes, they maybe, will criticize you or make you feel guilty for wanting to leave. but you leave anyway. because it is want you want and what you need right now. I realized that I always tend to bury even my smallest desires. but it's okay to be seen as crazy. It's okay if no one understands you. it is okay if the criticize you. as long as you do what you really want at the moment or in the future. speaking about me, personally, I have a hard time with this. Any action that is not going to be accepted by people I love, I usually try not to do it as much as possible.

[@Spladoinkal]

What I've come to learn now as an older INFJ is to be myself, and the things I need in life will be tempered by life itself. What do I mean by that? Well lets say I own a business (INFJ's are natural leaders so entrepreneurship is one thing some of us will gravitate towards). When owning a business, you have to learn to make good decisions, serve people, etc. Depending on where you are in your business, you'll need to develop different skills. Those skills however will develop naturally because you have to have them at that stage in your business journey. So I kinda just am ME but let life temper me as necessary and that makes me happy and confident.

[@righteousree9837]

Love this

[@cherylp.3347]

Im only just learning to be me, and that it’s ok to be me. I was deeply hurt by the treatment and words I received mainly from family over the years with the intonation that I was weird or that something was wrong with me. I’m tired of trying to explain or be understood. I walked away. I’m done with the struggle of trying to be the way they think I should be. Accept me or leave me alone. I’m healing, I’m getting stronger.

[@dragonwithagirltattoo598]

I am kind to everyone I meet. I’m helpful too. However, I prefer being alone. If I could, I would live on an island alone. Other people drain me sometimes. I don’t like to pretend I’m interested in what others are. And I don’t like small talk.

[@excrono]

I used to be kind to everyone, but they only abused it. Now they have to earn my kindness through their actions, they will be constantly tested and then I issue a grade. It’s better to be alone then be taken advantage of.

[@mules8662]

I have recently fully embraced this for myself. I spent almost the entire summer home alone, to a point where my mum asked me if everything was okay. Actually, I felt like I have never had a more productive, elevating and fulfilling time. I have only a handful of friends that I keep close, but what feels like a million acquaintances, and that’s just perfect for me.

[@handleguy]

Once again, this is great stuff Wenzes. You're helping to build an INFJ community that will help us to learn about who we are and what we need so that we can figure things out sooner than we would if we had to do it all alone, without the help and support of other INFJs. There was no such information available when I was younger and all by myself. How much nicer it would have been if I'd have a community to help me find my way. I can't help but wonder what we will be able to accomplish in the world as a community, rather than what is possible as individuals. It is an exciting thought. Social media would be so different if it brought more INFJ contacts into my life than just those who like to argue about politics and religion. It can wear you out, and never leads anywhere interesting.

[@jerrimenard3092]

I am a writer and an occultist. I am also a homebody. Shallow does not work for me. I can play the game. I have won awards for public speaking, but that is work, a performance - not my heart. When I am alone and in recharge mode, I do a lot better. I am much more calm. My quirky self is relieved. Also, coming out as Nonbinary removed that need to fit in .I question a lot less.

[@gowthamm4084]

I have lived all my life as an hermit.

[@YouilAushana]

It feels good to choose "me time" and accept that I allow "their time" (friends/social time) and be assertive and be my own boss. As an INFJ, I can self initiate a "flow state". I was lost for so long but I do feel "good enough" and be happy with my self. Truth is I always comment halfway through the video because I understand and am in your shoes and already know where the path is headed. "Intuitive jumping to conclusions". 😆 🤣

[@jasmin1773]

Me too x).

[@evanhearne4020]

I feel the exact same. Wenzes has given so much to us and continues to do so. I used to struggle with setting boundaries with people and doing what I needed to do for myself. Now, it is nearly automatic, because there are some moments which are out of your control but they still bug you from time to time. For me, I like to use the word content. For me, contentment is somewhere between overly happy, and overly sad - it's a middle ground. It's where I feel most secure with myself. I used to enjoy getting highs from being overly excited, but noticed it came with a nasty downfall. I like being in the middle as it is very self sustainable, and an indication that I have met my needs. It is so awesome to have your own say with your own life. When I tell people about what I do, they praise me and are encouraged to take back their own lives. It is so weird, but I am so happy that I can be that beacon for someone. It is truly awesome that we can have that power on people while still having an overflowing cup. :D

[@richardcurley1129]

I learned the hard way. You can go out with out being social. But tried to go to a city council meeting as a supporter of my handicapped wife. Made it to the corner of the street. That was as far as I could go. Hit the ground seeing and feeling all the frustration and anger in the council chambers. The people spilling into the hall. Only my wife understood. Everyone else thought, what's his problem. After that I just had to stop going to anything I know will be large. Like hospitals, that's hard.

[@penneyburgess5431]

Becoming an island felt like breaking myself in two. It had come down to either doing that or shattering completely. I have been healing for a while, but not quite ready for interdependence. It’s so good to hear I am going in the right direction. Thank you.

[@MegaCyberleader]

you know your soul is like an earth worm,. Even if its broken in half, it will regow.. Just painful.

[@danceandmore88]

This is exactly how I feel. Knowing myself and not knowing myself, being less codependent, but not ready for interdependence. Maybe we just need to be on our own a little longer so we can grow into our new self. Take care!

[@a.tinygirl872]

so intersting because I'm an INFJ & i just found this channel which is really great 👏🏼 I always care about others & give them 100% of my energy to make sure my relationship with them is good and I'm a good friend who is always there for them BUT every single relationship was one sided !! whenever I'm having hard time they never ask about my well being and what's going on .. they get mad at me for not being there for them when I was actually having hard time !! so I stopped caring & totally cut the toxic ones .. now I feel so much better eventhough sometimes I feel lonely but I'd rather be lonely than be with someone who doesn't really care about me .

[@JonasAnandaKristiansson]

You will be well.

[@billfarley9167]

The give and take of a relationship is normal, but in the end, it should average out 50/50. Use that analogy if you want to assess your relationship with a person. Is it 60/40, 70/30, 80/20 or worse? If so, you need to reassess the situation.

[@santinamarie4699]

I was in the codependent relationship. By the time I got out of it my ego was in different shape. I got into learning Carl Jung personality types. Now I'm very Adept at picking out INFJs enfjs esfjs and isfjs. I get along with all of these people very well. And I feel especially understood by enfjs and INFJs. This has been the best experiment for me and I find I have at least six new friends that I can learn to trust with.

[@HaleyMary]

There have been so many times when my friend literally has to ask me to hang out for coffee at the mall because I enjoy so much time on my own. I enjoy her company though, so I never say no to hanging out unless I was deathly ill. It's something that my mom doesn't understand, how I'm such a loner. I just have been around so many fake people in my life that I purposefully keep my friendship circle small.

[@immortaljanus]

By all means, contribute to society. Doesn't mean you give up on what matters to you.

[@Inspiriments888]

Currently working on gaining personal independence(home/work); Once that is established I am excited to be able to take this course. You are the Truth!

[@JonasAnandaKristiansson]

How are you doing, and how are you going about it?

[@vince1012]

Everyone should do this. Not just INFJs

[@KerrRobinson]

Haven’t even the finished the video yet, and I clicked subscribe!! 10 minutes in and I feel a tremendous weight being lifted off my shoulders.

[@CosmicBoundArt]

I need a handbook on this. I have so much to learn.

[@gokhantoksoy2826]

It is totally worth it !!! I did it (things she talked about in this video) very recently, at 44 years old, after 2 years of therapy, losing my father 4 years ago, changing country and moving to a new city. Just make some sacrifices. And do not worry, most of them will stay (your old network) but you would not mind if they go. If they go, they were not worth it anyways. Believe me, it is so life-changing and a relief. I chose myself finally. You are the master of your life. You will not regret it.

[@cathryn1426]

I hear ya. It's about proper ratios. Find yours. 90% solitude? 70% solitude? Different times, seasons, moods contribute to the decision. The struggle is real.

[@jasminemariedarling]

As a young adult, I "broke up" with the few friends I had, because of what you're talking about. I was giving too much & not receiving. I started working from home a few years later & besides my husband and family, I didn't hang out with anyone, became almost a hermit. It was great for a time but eventually I found that I could make new friends with much healthier people- who gave back as much as I gave- perhaps because I'm in a much healthier state now myself.

[@paceyourself5652]

This.

[@CopperMoon4747]

Well done! 🌟 What you think about you is what matters most! No one else can decide who you are. ❤

[@webeducation]

Many people have hinted to me that I over help. Ya know, in life, the people who have helped me, I never forget. I often reminisce and am so grateful. Some of those people are now dead, and I want them to know their life and giving meant something to me. That they were not here on this earth for nothing. Some of the opportunities/help I foolishly did nothing with, but others, I did. As I get older i just want people who are down on their luck to have the same opportunity. But I am realizing, people begin to resent you for helping them too much. If it is a woman of interest, they will throw you in the friend zone, and "use" you for your resources some more. If it's a friend they will just use you, no need for the friend zone. I feel absolutely selfish if I do not give to others when and if I can. Don't know how to get rid of that selfish feeling. I remember when I was down on my luck 2 years ago, and I walked out of the gas station and saw this homeless man who desperately needed some money/food around Christmas time, and I didn't have it to give to him. It messed me up for almost a month. Making me want to make more money cause I never want to be in a situation again where I cannot help someone because I don't have enough money. But now I am hearing people who need help, don't want help. Am so confused by this. Maybe its the fear that when people receive a gift they feel they are no longer in control? I dunno.

[@Bess_91]

Yeah this is tooo relatable. I honestly thought everyone around me at a point had the same intuition. But that’s false and it became way too overwhelming where I had to step back from everything and everyone to reset. I lost who I was

[@spanican85]

I know what you mean with thinking everyone has the same intuition

[@JodyNewman_]

I relate 🖐

[@viktoriaberg8706]

Thank you, this is a very timely message for me. I constantly feel the odd one out among others, making unusual choices for my age and profession. Choosing myself, honoring my mission and directing my energy toward that instead of trying to fit in, is just what I need to do.

[@sanhitadevi980]

Just entering phase two. Damn. Got a lot of validation. Felt like a supervillain doing so.

[@racefan766]

Enjoying the channel! I took the Myers Briggs Test years ago when I took a real interest in Psychology and understand the letters. Your videos really bring out a conversation about how INFJ's are different and is a real testament on how we need to understand each other better and understand our personality types that will help us interact together. The fact you are an INFJ and have a channel where you step out of your shell and are putting yourself out there is awesome! I relate to this! Much success with your channel!

[@jackwalker1822]

I just don't want to play other people's games. Which happens when trying to get into a relationship with a woman. Maybe the same is true the other way, I wouldn't know about that. Sometimes though I get tired of the isolation and then have the quandary you speak about. Play the social games or be alone. It seems like a constant struggle. I do like alone time but would also like some more time with other people. So I am working on that.

[@danestetson3767]

When you take the step of embracing your being it gives you power.

[@mlbullbooks]

When it comes to socialization, INFJs have to be balanced. If they completely stop being social among people that's when the annoying projection cycle comes from others all over again. Though it seems to happen regardless if INFJs speak up or not, it happens mostly when we're silent. At least, that's how it is for me.

[@min.t3188]

very well-said, Wenzes you are such a relief and help for INFJs and anyone who can relate to this. Thank you

[@bobjoatmon1993]

Yup, through childhood and another 30 years as an adult I tried to fit in. I desperately searched for that companion / wife and was married twice (9 & 4 years) where I was a doormat trying to please 'her' but just wasn't good enough. After the grief phase of loss after the second divorce (I staged for 5 years, more than the marriage lasted) and once I gave up and accepted I was what we are now calling INFJ, I became just what your describing and happier. Yes, I've been celibate for close to 20 years but I do what I want, when I want, I don't have to ask anyone what they want to do the next days off or what they want to eat for dinner, etc. And I have found fulfillment in multiple hobbies that since I'm not wasting money on a girlfriend or bloodsucking wife I can afford lots of fun stuff. I have a fun fast (race)car that I went and had driving lessons for so I frequently race on the local track, I have a sailboat big enough for blue water ocean crossing, I have a nice home AND NONE OF THAT WAS AFFORDABLE UNTIL I GAVE UP TRYING TO BE WHAT I WASN'T AND STARTED ACCEPTING SOLITARY LIFE AND LOVING MYSELF, accepting being an INFJ and not trying to fit in any longer

[@Joshdifferent]

Yup! I did so much “working on myself” to be more social. And I naturally can give good conversations but ima introvert for sure

[@angelaray7272]

I've only just heard of infj. It explains a lot. I'm so glad I've found this channel 😊

[@prschuster]

For me it's tutoring science. It's a very social thing to do, it helps people, and it is a passion of mine.

[@JonasAnandaKristiansson]

Great comment, yeah true. And I can see and "feel" ( there is more to it ) what she is saying, too!

[@rachel691]

I’m literally going through this right now, in the independence stage and working towards the interdependence stage 🙌🏻

[@yoongoongi4349]

I'm 28 now and this has definitely been the biggest lesson of my entire 20's. I went from SEVERELY codependent in early 20's, to grasping for straws of independence wherever I could to escape the situation (by being codependent with different people oops) and then in the last few years I've managed to claim more independence than I ever have before. The issue is, yeah, people do keep telling me I'm living life wrong (which has always been the case) but it drives me crazy because I'm finally at a point where I'm feeling more relaxed and more me than I ever have before and I'm constantly being scolded for them not understanding that I can be happy this way. Society is always going to think a more isolated life is bad and so I just really need to get to a point where their comments don't hurt me because I'm very much unwilling to change and become more social. I've already wasted years doing that and all it did was make me a stressed, emotional basketcase with zero energy left for myself. I'm hoping my 30's will be a different journey because I'm tired of this one.

[@deborahwolff5651]

I am different and I refuse to try to fit in and am comfortable in my own skin. I love my independence and my alone time.

[@chrysalis111]

I'd like to say more... but for now... just WOW. this hits me right there.

[@jasmin1773]

Beautifully explained! Taking others people opinions feels like absorbing everything they say but THEN: spilling out the parts that don't align with who YOU think you are. Being able to do that feels more healthy.

[@spanican85]

Just started the journey on the last stage and it is so fulfilling. This video was so good.

[@nihany7460]

🙏🙏🙏🙏 Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. I can't even begin to describe how glad I am I found your channell.

[@dianatawarar5957]

As an INFJ living with people and constantly craving that personal space made people constantly misunderstand me, but when good things finally started happening, like me taking a job in a remote place, all that personal space I craved for, for such a long time presented itself right in front of me. I could finally meditate, create systems, plan out my life more effectively. I had full control of my life, instead of feeling like I kept letting people down by not being in their space every time.

[@fkitty444]

I agree. You may have to shed/rework your life repeatedly as there may be a que of family, dependents, and friends ready to fill that void. You must have "Deal Breaker" boundaries and be willing to walk, or the repeats will not get past obstacle/person/situation#1, let alone move down the que. Most people do not ask to intrude, you dont need to ask to move on. I myself had the following queue: my little brother, my husbands younger brother, his older brother, his mother, my parents, and my grandmother. Real freedom and joy may not be compatible with family or friends that has no respect for you or your needs. I subscribe to the theory that the worse people behave towards you, the further away you keep them from the heart and center of your life, home, and time. They will sort themselves out of your life, but if you don't have rules and boundaries, you may end up living out the play on repeat in real time. They will use up your life to fill their own. You deserve life and happiness just as much as they do. Their biggest fear is that you will realize it. Thats why they bring the drama, insults, and chaos to distract and keep you where you are. Surrounding yourself with good, sane, people, that get you works as an antidote and balm. Find them. they do exist. Love, Luck, and Joy to You!

[@soniapollock1417]

Thank you so much I needed to hear this so much more aware of how I have been feeling lately and could not understand why.

[@DanielMartinez-bh8tl]

I've recently just come aware of who I am who I am and the crazy part is I was self-aware before I even figured it out at the edge of No Tomorrow whenever I was about to give up where most people would have given up a year ago I stuck in I in Louisiana and I have been at my home residence for two years in the two years my family have been evacuated and I've been basically on my own I've been surviving and fighting for my life I've came close to dying from Hunger I've been left by state country and other humans I was already a loner but I've hit my pretty much limit I've been so alone that I just cannot shut up whenever I'm around people now I can tell it annoys everybody but I am not somebody that gets ignored so what happens is I bring fear to individuals that don't know me and over the years I've gotten used to it good news to always being the one that everybody looks at so I pretty much have claimed that I did because it's easier that way to take blank and became to understand that I am my own greatest enemy trying to make just a little short but I survived four presidential declared disasters could never evacuate didn't have the money father passed away 3 weeks before the first natural disaster stuck with all of his problems that he left for my mother I'm going to do when I get home before this first two years I've had a decent amount of savings built up and a career at this moment I've had two years of isolation hate and now I'm pretty much disgusted with people in general I grew hate the same way people go to sleep and that was like my Edge instead of letting complete darkness in just a little I embraced it I now feel at peace and now I feel so different but what I'm trying to explain is I do not have no support system most of my families either dead are they just don't care what I got to say so now I am at the end of my life but I'm also at the beginning I have to figure out everything career what I want to do if I want to stay in a place that I feel hate it because in my eyes wherever I go I'm still going to have that same feeling but I will say this having the awareness of you and other INFJs gave me the opportunity not to give up for my whole life I thought I was unique and in the only person like me but I have gained the knowledge of I'm just very rare I believe a sigma infj sacred clown but I have nothing right now I have zero in my savings account a negative balance in my checking account whatever credit cards I do got are maxed out I have not received help from FEMA or even my state and I'm done asking for help I've even gotten a job and been fired by text message for no reason but I'm not leaving a message for a pity party I care less about anybody's pity I'm leaving this message to let other INFJs know that it is difficult to do the impossible but we have that one gift that if we pursue something we will succeed do not ever give up because that is not your nature have the best life you can don't let other people tell you what to do do you the and love your life if you love your life everybody around you will slowly turn towards love instead of hate or whatever they have it takes a longer time to influence people like that but it's a better way and less toxic for you keep your head up my friends you're going to be there you're not alone even if you feel like it

[@GMacII]

This video is shockingly confirming more of WHO I am and more importantly the ACTIONS I’ve taken in the past year in regards to my passions and pursuits. I’ve NEVER felt like the “normal” one in the room and tried so hard to fit in that it became so damn draining. You’re right, even WHEN you do accomplish a level in THEIR environment, it still leaves us unfulfilled. It wasn’t until I began traveling the world and living in other countries that I felt a sense of BLISS and Eudaimonia that was so fulfilling and rewarding that I KNOW I’ve found my THING. My only challenge is figuring out a way to monetize this purpose of mine. I KNOW it will come, it’s nerve racking, but I will create IT whatever that IT is. #JustKeepSwimmingINFJs

[@kevin9218]

Currently in the "island" phase after getting out of an 8 year marriage that did absolutely nothing positive for me. I know there's more to life but I'm happy to stay on my own little island for now, at least they (the voices in my head) like me here.

[@lunarae8037]

I’m here because my job keeps telling me I need to change 😅 like I need to be more tough…I’m a warrior and I’ve been through more than they can understand. I don’t want to be someone that others accept I want to be someone people feel inspired by. I’m tired of people telling me who to be I’m me that’s it get over it!!

[@M.R.T.V.Videos]

Excellent video . I almost cried .

[@rcschmidt668]

6:18 That is so true! It is like we live life that is askew to what we see in most people.

[@davidepigliacelli3787]

Wenzes you are always the Light in the dark. 🙂

[@galaxymist7396]

You will be criticized for what you do either way so just do what you feel is true!

[@faridaalao1941]

AN APPEAL TO INFJ FAMILY!!!! I just found out that I am an I n f j 2 months ago and have been trying really hard to build myself to be a better person but I'm kind of struggling to do that ,I just realized I might not able to get it right on my own so I think I need a hand to hold, I'm looking forward to someone sponsoring me for this INFJ epic life bootcamp cause am incapacitated but I so much believe in it, I believe if I can get it done ,it will better my life and give birth to so many butterfly effect ( I have 5lovely kids to nuture) Thank you God bless you as you bless someone.I hope to be heard and rescued.thanks

[@briancossey4773]

It took a while and special circumstances for me to truly find myself. Once I ID'ed myself as an INFJ, it became so much easier to be truly me (to become "comfortable in my skin"); I can't imagine ever going back to what I was. Now that, as an INFJ, I know who I am, I realize I am being TRUE TO MYSELF.

[@Betscu.]

I don't need to fit in and that is okay. I am just looking the right persons to make my life happen. They must be somewhere.

[@pinkpeonyy]

I give all the attention I used to give others to myself and it feels amazing! I’m falling in love with myself and it’s awesome, I’m awesome

[@ryank6322]

I'm an INTP and I find your videos highly relatable. 😊

[@jayrossxo]

I took me a long time to reach this point but, I'm so happy that I did. I'm still getting used to this new version of me because I have my moments but, thankfully I've been walking so long in this version, it quickly disappears the moment I address it within and then realign myself back to the things I enjoy. 😊

[@rcschmidt668]

Thanks for sharing this video. This is very liberating and necessary to hear. I wish I could send this to myself as a young kid.

[@laundrymatters8364]

I like how you put it Wenzes, give only as much as you get. I started doing that about seven years ago and found that if they put zero effort in contacting me, I reciprocated the same. I had a ready answer too if I was asked "where have you been?" I'd say that I haven't changed my number, email or address, I'm not hard to find. Joyfully I never had to say it!

[@jamlaw]

I find that when I feel extra ungrounded, it's usually when I get too many texts and gchat and I'm feeling this impending pressure to be there for all of them. Social media and texting at your fingers is an extra element these days that "demand socializing". It helps to ignore the phone for a day. But I always think "well how long can this last?!!" and then pull myself back on the horse and the cycle starts again. Or I panic and seek out connection and that is a whole other thing! It's a nice thought to think I could just not ever text unless I really want to... 🤯😬haha

[@nnp9790]

I went thru this the past year and it was soooo helpful and a freedom I can’t explain

[@DogsAndDataRus]

I needed to hear this because it's something I knew, but it's like I needed "permission" to just do what felt right and be myself.

[@ocho8172]

VERY encouraging! Excellent articulation. Trackin' 5x5! Thank you SO much, for all your guidance! God Bless, be well!

[@DrTechMedRevolution]

One of the best infj therapist out there 🙌

[@mikelouis9389]

I never and still don't care about being a part of any group but I was constantly sought out. I could always dream up the weirdest wildest exploits. The late sixties/early seventies were a great time to be an INFJ. These days it seems like a dystopian hell scape for an INFJ.

[@raft115]

Once and for all accept it✨👏🎉, I saw someone comment saying , "bye to you world, its your turn now to live alone without me"😁💪👊💥 it is our turn now to turn the tables ✨💥🎉👏👏👏👏

[@shawnpatton3260]

So thankful I found your channel