WHY PEOPLE IDEALIZE INFJs BUT NEVER REALLY GET TO KNOW THEM

[@Wenzes]

Have you experienced that people first are fascinated by you but when it comes down to it, they never really get to know you?

[@kevinyarusso326]

I have seen that. As your video points out, a lot of that could be avoided by showing up differently very early on.

[@simovtransportmedia1137]

Let's see now who is watching this in 3:18 in the morning. On the topic. That is our main talant, we know what we want from ourselfs to look like and we follow that vision mostly without realizing it because that is how the Ni works, it always calculates everything and that's our main programe, we cannot stop this procces. Well it leads to many downtimes as we have painfully experienced, but on the other side that is what gave as that fearsome loyalty. And on the other side that is what make us that strong personality. First we are introverts, we are very introspective from the beginning, but all that dramatic relationships that we have sufferd in have gave us extra time to figure ourdelfs out and bacame more and more confident in our values.

[@deborahwolff5651]

Yes all the time!

[@tiho8194]

Okay, I now understand a bit more of what is happening... Thank you for the eye-opener 🙂

[@theresefournier3269]

Animals, more so! 🕊️🎶🐦🎶🦜🎶🕊️ People, most people?!🤔 How could they...😴 ever?! 🦩

[@matilda4406]

When we make space for someone, we learn who they are, that's our gain. Their gain is that they are understood and accepted like never before. They love that of course, but that doesn't mean that they know us. We have just been kind to them. And we learned something in the process, so it's a win win. At least it starts as a win win. Then we give our opinion... and shock horror ! What!! lol

[@Anonymous_Anon882]

Mhm. INFJs don’t exactly find it easy to trust, either (I certainly don’t).

[@matilda4406]

@@Anonymous_Anon882 Mmm, and... is that a good thing? Or not so good? And why or why not? What would you tell your best friend? Or your child?

[@Anonymous_Anon882]

@@matilda4406 it’s good in the sense of keeping toxic people out. INFJs (and the ENFPs who are level-headed enough to be worth talking about) may have a hard time asserting boundaries at certain points in their lives but generally a life where trust isn’t handed out willy-nilly has its perks.

[@matilda4406]

@@Anonymous_Anon882 I would agree, Andy Anonymous

[@cydmarantis]

This was very helpful! I began being more authentic a few years ago but did not understand why people are either very drawn to me and look to me for guidance or are more cautious or avoidant of who I am. I am an INFJ who carries a strong sense of morality and justice.

[@theepitomiclife4170]

This feedback is amazing. I never saw it from that perspective. I couldn't understand why people freaked out when they saw even just a little of the real me. And the fact that I love perfection doesn't help.... Thank you for such a great video.

[@janeofthejungle4]

I feel like we’re ALL mysterious, deep, beautiful and powerful human beings and I believe that it’s our purpose in life, to get to know and discover that imperfect, yet amazing, spirit within. It seems to be very challenging territory, for many to venture into, despite the concept being SO unbelievably simplistic. Know Thyself.

[@lindateuling7862]

This was interesting to listen to, believe me! I especially went through this before I was married, and still dating. I showed a lot of the qualities you mentioned here especially accepting people the way they were - which caused guys whom I dated to project all kinds of qualities onto me that weren't always accurate. Sooner or later they found out how independent I was, and other things they didn't see before. It definitely changed the dynamic of the relationship. I believe this can show up in any relationship, whether it's friendships, work relationships and even family! (Family members often don't know each other as well as they think they do.) At this point, I want to treat people well and I do want them to feel comfortable with me - but I know I have to commit myself to be genuine and let people see what I am really like earlier on.

[@LadyCharity]

I do not want to be idolized for being "different". I am responsible for my own happiness and have separated the projection someone has of me from my own personhood. I do think it is me to be observant, it is me to be creative, it is me to be poetic and it is me to be spiritual. That can come across as mysterious to others. I can be open as well but it is sacred to me to express my full self to people who do not value it. That is who I am and when I am at my best on the deeper end. The regular banter that appeases most people does nothing for me and that is ok! I am more of me when connected to those attributes. I'd also like to be appreciated as well for who I am at a basic level (human being) not what I do as a 'different' personality lol...and it is true when you do share the fullness of yourself it can run people off but I have learned to not have high expectations for other people. That has saved me much stress. I also limit my engagement with certain people who are energy drains.

[@bobyk87]

Congrats for nailing it down so well about the mysty aspect of the infj and how it can really hook even some people we never thought we could cause that reaction. One simple way that works for me is being more talkative, as I am the silent guy. My silence creates too much space for the other, which should be actually mine, if it's going to be any sound interchange. It helps to quickly debunk whatever false impression they might be forming about me. So although I might not be infj maybe infp or even intp sometimes, your message on this talk makes a lot of sense to me. Great work.

[@mr.goodwrench8273]

Have I experienced that people first are fascinated by me but when it comes down to it, they never really get to know me? Yes. It is mostly because it does take some time to get to know me if I can trust that person. If not, then before there is a strong attachment, I move on quietly. A lot of folks are impatient and won't give this process enough time. Patience is a virtue. That's where letting "them be them" is advantageous so that we can understand them as well. After all, we do want people to allow "us to be us".

[@KaySade321]

This might be my favorite topic so far! Really have some work to do on all these points. Thanks for outlining things so clearly.

[@Just-99me]

Every time I think someone close to me knows who I really am ,it turns out that they never did. I don’t even get disappointed anymore haha Great video wenzees 💕

[@jamesnativeenglish7581]

It`s great that you can understand this and break it down and articulate it so well. I wish I had learned to be authentic a lot earlier in life.

[@Nedmar]

This is a rather dense topic indeed. My mother, God rest her soul, used to say that she just does not understand me. She never did in fact. She was always accusing me of being secretive and hiding my feelings. Same happened with practically all people I have met in life, none got to understand me. The most poignant example was that of a woman I met some 2 years ago, she became absolutely fascinated with me to the point that she got a crush on me being almost 10 years older. Well, she thought she knew me, and that was her mistake, for as time passed, her mind began whirling more and more regarding me. She just could not understand which kind of dynamics were driving my behavior. It was my fault really that everything reached that point for she had many problems and I began listening to her endless speeches and giving her advices. Well, what else could one have done? The poor misleaded soul might have thought that I was showing a genuinely deep and sentimentally meaningful interest in her, whereas I was just acting according to my raison d'être, as a keen listener and advice giver and giving lots of space to her. Well, time passed and I could see that she was getting more and more bewildered. She said she saw something unique in me and so on but I did not become addict to that for I see this behavior of getting elated by receiving such compliments as something pointless, and besides I was being myself, that is, somebody no one can really get to understand. She became really obsessed with me to the point of trying to control my life so that I began recognizing the danger and pulling discreetly away. So, I don't see why one should rely on that kind of admiration, first and foremost because of being an introvert who does not want to attract people's attention. I mean, what for? And it is a good thing indeed to be liked less in the beginning so that one will not hear always the same: "You were like this, but now you have changed". No, sorry, I did not change at all, I was always who I really am. It is up to you to get to understand me and not get carried away by some wonderful initial impressions. Yeah, I know I am a walking riddle, but it is not my fault. But how do I manage to be less liked? I am just being myself, I cannot assess beforehand what impact my behavior will have on a given person. I am an extraordinary listener and a keen giver of advices, but it seems that the bulk of people just cannot manage to properly digest this kind of personal approach, they just start developing all sorts of colourful ideas and nurturing expectations which of course do not come true, for that is not who one really is.

[@aj3376]

R u Gemini as well?

[@Nedmar]

@@aj3376 I'm libra actually.

[@Just-99me]

Story of my life😩 people always accuse me of changing just because I was nice to them then when I don’t agree on the things they projected onto me they accuse me of changing, I’m 22 yo now and I’m really sick and tired of relationships with others , I don’t want to meet new people and everything repeats again

[@Nedmar]

@@Just-99me Indeed, our behaviour is misleading but we can't help about that, and people get gladly used to being treated nicely. So I think it is up to us to set boundaries right from the beginning so as not to unwillingly mislead others. Hard as it may sound, we must learn to be much more self-centered and assert our position every time so as not to give so much space to the person we are talking with, for that openness and that high level of empathy will inevitably nurture a very wrong (and welcomed) impression in our talking partner.

[@TroyPosey]

Excellent video topic Wenzes! 👍🏼 Oh yeah... People are fascinated by me typically, because they can tell right away that I don't fit any normal "mold"... But like you said, most of them don't give a crap to get to know me, like what makes me think and do the things I do, and see the world the way I do, why I feel a certain way about something... I think a lot of that has to do with this selfish egotistical society we have created. The "influencers" and social media has created a fake reality of shallow and conceited people who are self-absorbed. They don't care to get to know anyone, including you. They don't even know who THEY are deep down inside. They follow trends, and styles, and what's viral, and what is "hot", etc... They don't have any sense of individualism. I think INFJ's are born with individualism, yet we try to hide it to fit in with "normal" people our whole lives, and that only feeds our "chameleon" personalities trying to fit in...Which is NOT good for us. We should be ourselves and always encourage other INFJ's to be proud of being their authentic selves...Especially in our modern society. Also, I've noticed that every time I open up to a woman, she ends up ghosting me, or slowly abandoning the connection by pulling away. It's so damn frustrating! It's why I stopped opening up to people for about 20 years... And why I held so much inside and it did so much damage. Nobody ever gave a crap to really get to know me. After this recent turn of events with several of my closest female friends not following me back on IG after having to start a new account, I feel myself starting to close myself off again... And I don't want that. But it's naturally happening. I just wish people weren't so scared to accept who they really are, and that people (including STRAIGHT men) have emotions and feelings, too. And if nobody ever nurtures that part of their psyche, than it can be damaging and even crippling emotionally. That's why I like talking to you...I feel I can open up and be myself and not feel judged, because as a fellow INFJ, you understand me, whereas most people I will ever meet in my lifetime, never will. 🙂 Just my thoughts. Would love to hear your's, Wenzes. 🙂🌹👍🏼

[@nedthestaffieegan3452]

Love your insight Troy and I am just so glad to hear someone else feels exactly the same way as me. I've been trying to be more authentic, where I am aware of the masks everyone wears and my own masks. After a recent traumatic surgery something happened where I came out of it a different person. At first I thought it was just post op trauma, but I think I went through a spiritual process where my false self has fallen away. It's been a gradual process for me to see more clearly and understand the real me who's been in hiding. But I just can't wear the masks I used to in order to make interactions easier. I'm scared in case I'm rejected or the real me makes people uncomfortable, as I have big rejection issues. I decided I needed a total break from communication with the people in my life to allow me to grow a new protective shell around me, so I'm not totally exposed and vulnerable. I really hope this gives me the time to reflect on my relationships and old ways of relating that have been dysfunctional, so I might be able to have a better relationship based on honesty and feeling safe enough to be myself. Wishing you luck on your path and thank you for your wisdom 😊

[@heatherrichardson7025]

Wow this is me. I’m a talkative INFJ that loves to understand the way people think. I tell them my observations in a polite way. Unfortunately they see me as too direct and honest. They don’t appreciate my authenticity and would rather me be quiet and not express myself and sugar coat rather than telling the truth.

[@alext.9033]

Yeah, it's kinda a fact of life with 95% of people that we meet with! That's more of a reason to find your tribe lol

[@kevinyarusso326]

You shared a wealth of insight with this one. Had never thought too much about projection. Makes a lot of sense to this INFJ. I bet your master class is powerful! Thx! 🙂

[@janeofthejungle4]

I had two people who are close to me, over two consecutive days, tell me they had a bad dream about me, recently. In the dreams they both revealed to me that they woke up feeling as though they weren’t measuring up. Neither knew of the others’ dream (the two ppl don’t know each other, they only know of each other, through me). This broke my heart. I have been slowly coming out of my shell and not adjusting my language or perceptions of reality, for others, as much as I did in the past (I’m in my early 40s now). This seems to be verrry upsetting for people. I’ve not been mean. I’ve just been very open and honest about all my beliefs and understandings of life, in general. MY FEELINGS, about the way I VIEW the world and the reality around me. I find that things are unbelievably simple and we just make everything so much more complicated than they ever needed to be. It’s a lot like what it seems Jesus was trying to teach us. Just, be good. It’s easier and it feels way better. It doesn’t need to be society’s version of acceptable or successful. All we need to be is our own best version of, whatever we know in our own hearts, is good. But my simplistic perspective seems to cause severely unsettling and insecure feelings in people. I don’t quite know what to do, now. I don’t want to make people feel this unsettled way, but it’s been a phenomenon that’s happened since I was a small child, when my mothers friends would tell her it felt like I was looking straight through them😳 When I was a teen, it was exceptionally bad. A lot of things said to me by peers would be prefaced with “I know YOU don’t approve, but…” and yet, that was never the case. It wasn’t ever true. But I always examine things very objectively. I guess that means they think I judge things, in an unfair and harsh manner..? Idk. I suspect that may be it. But idk for sure. It’s like I’m a mirror and all they can see is their own bad when all I want them to see is all the amazing things I see in them! And they seem addicted to the good that I show them and tormented by the bad, which I ignore! I don’t show them the bad. But I guess, when I’m acknowledging their good, maybe they feel forced to also face the not so great parts. Like, a force of reality causing a natural balance, perhaps? I mean, it’s a necessity of knowing self, to see all, the good and the bad.

[@janeofthejungle4]

Justin Peters - Thank you. Those are some extremely kind words! Wow. I don’t think I’m always as honest about myself as I’d like to be but I certainly won’t ever stop trying to strive toward more of that. Sometimes I go to my dark place. As we get older, though, I believe we’re meant to get better and faster at pulling ourselves out of that dark place, within ourselves. That’s where character strength building and resiliency grows, I think. I hope you’re aware of your own ability to see so much of others, as you’ve done here, with me. I hope you understand your own purpose. You’re clearly everything and more, of what you so very kindly identified, within me.

[@Anonymous_Anon882]

And that’s why the more abstract love I have for humanity as a whole stays contained within my inner-musing-space. My close friends are people I’ve generally known for a good number of years. As a whole I’m more inclined to like than dislike people (that’s for sure) but full trust isn’f summat I hand out willy-nilly/just like that. The more concrete love I may have for people for that reason is more localised and by-the-number (a not-very-large one).

[@yuugaouzuki18]

I have started to be myself, to be authentic by watching your videos. Thank you.

[@tee6614]

You be talkin about my whole life so fluently

[@Aesthics]

12:12 oof great point

[@abrahamgute7961]

Wow....wenzi... you start to becoming an insightful psychologist...!! Great for you 👍👌

[@danr5104]

This reminded me of a poem I wrote years ago about not fitting in. It started out; I live alone in a house of one-way glass, I can see you and you can see you......, then towards the end it goes; My friends are in, my friends are sane, could it be that I could be in, sane? Thank you Wenzes, your words are helping me figure out how to unlock my door and open my windows

[@mlbullbooks]

Good points! Exactly why I'm mentioning certain things in my latest video. And even though it might happen automatically sometimes, I actually don't want anyone to idolize me. That's not why I'm here. Something that I thought of recently is the fact that INFJs just don't thrive with everyone, and that's okay. It's one of the reasons we're considered rare, but the same goes for other personality types too.

[@Janiprox]

Thanks. I understand better some difficulties I've been having for quite some time. The content of your videos is really impressive. I've watched a few this summer and always come away feeling less like I'm totally alone in this world.

[@GothicNoir]

People view people in the lens of “their” light. It’s not always about what other’s think, nor is it that you should take their perception of truth, as “thee truth”. People are used to people auditioning for a role they’d like them to play, because by nature they’re used to people fitting into a box and we all judge to a fault at times. My advice is to just be your authentic self, and you’ll attract authenticity in others as well. Those that aren’t supposed to be in your garden will refract instead of mirror. Those that were supposed to zag, that continue to mirror will understand mutually that you understand their twisting of truth. Regardless, it boils down to mutually understood boundaries. That should be adhered and respected. Thank you, Wenzes! 😄

[@wildforest6851]

Like I guess I never called it fascination and certainly actually never felt good about this because I had a thing in which it sucked to know that the closest people to me didn't know me and didn't even mind doing it...so Yes, absolutely I've seen and been in situations where people that you just meet they like you and some of them are kind of excited about you if you will, but I always knew that that wasn't real because they were not really seeing me, so I actually never really took it as something positive or gratifying. But, yeah I definitely know that we are mirrors for people and that actually is my problem to feel that I will be able to meet somebody that will want to meet me. I had numerous projections on me hehe. I am more conscious about this, but still not so sure how to do it, like I actually feel that the only thing for me is to be able to express myself more, but that then it just relies/depends on the other person for them wanting to get to know you or not.

[@Just-99me]

Same

[@Anonymous_Anon882]

As INFJs people like us far more than we like them. We love who we love and emphatically-tolerate (at best) people who aren’t in that bubble (often for the purposes of cultural psychoanalysis, well-meaning as it always is).

[@dinavedernikova4131]

this is like…something i’m going through right now. I mean realisation. And I actually feel bad. But it seems a bit more clear now. Your video helped to understand a bit more. thank u for that.

[@frahohen]

I see the unknown side of us the greatest strength. If I do want a private life I sustain it. I do not see it as an issue, because in my private life I can be who I am. In my job life I can also be who I am, but I will never share to much. That is my strength.

[@aquariusstar7248]

That default mindset--"worry, what is not working right, others are why i feel so bad"💥💥💥 Ive been seeing this in myself this week 👀 Thought i was being more self-empowered in my self-reflection but i guess not!!

[@mahimaishaya7458]

Spot on! And perfect timing! Thank you!

[@aquariusstar7248]

Is it just me--or do INFJs put on these "facades" bc we are afraid we cannot live up to others' expectations?🙄 Omg....this video is so on point🎯 "We cannot rely on others admiration"💥💥

[@ziyandandzwanana1011]

I am so glad I came across your video, the is so much to learn and understand. The journey continues, thank you for different yet accurate information.

[@hypostatic1]

Can’t thank you enough for all your amazing videos!!! Keep them coming!

[@rosalynjolly2565]

The light beautiful inside and outside

[@forexrecaps8133]

thanks for the video,,please read this example of an INFJ: note I'm not trying to be religious but take as a story if you have ever read about Jesus Christ. I believe that Jesus had a personality very similar to that of an INFJ. The fact that He was from heaven trying to live among individuals who are continually thinking evil, who are different from His pure intentions to save humanity. He did not engage in casual conversations/small talk, He was very passionate about His mission of saving humanity from sin, had a very small social circle of 12 disciples of which none understood Him except for John while the other ,Judas, betrayed Him. Also He could read peoples intentions although with far infinite perfection than any other human since He was God. So , my fellow INFJs ,you are like Jesus, if you accept yourself and stick to your values with your pure heart. You citizenship is of Heaven where love abounds forever!

[@mr.radiolips4964]

I just want to say thanks. From Someone learning in the background. 👍

[@Mamasprincess-i9s]

People can't really project anything on me since as an INFJ I've become more assertive and confident like my favorite singer Polina Gagarina for example yep I did yet I went from abandoned to admired

[@nedthestaffieegan3452]

Excellent video thank you!!

[@danishmatters]

Thank you for this. Happens all the time. A real Challenge to work on. Could you make a video on how to Express yourself more at First encounters? And how to do small talk? I’m lousy at that and get so uncomfortable that people excuse themselves and pull away. I Think they Think that if I can’t do small talk then WHAT Can I talk about - whereas it’s the other Way around: let’s Cut the small talk and get into something with more substance. Still, doing that with strangers also makes me feel uncomfortable, I try to ask questions but I run dry. And the other person rarely asks me anything - and when they do (and I actually speak and don’t emmediately get back to them out of fear of attention on me) they pull away after 30 sec with an expression on their Face as if I’ve taking the whole time (and not them!). Next time I come across that person s/he avoids me all together with an expression ob their face saying “oh no, the talkative one!”. I hope I’m not alone and would love to hear your take on all of the above. Love your videos ❤️

[@kiawalker6203]

So true! Very helpful

[@jasmin1773]

True. Just noticed today!

[@mwauranjunge7660]

I was waiting for this so much...

[@Kakarott2023]

I LOVE your channel!

[@danherrmann8755]

My female friend was an opioid addict self induced by a Doctor for 30 years. She is gone. The drugs fried her brain. But the doctor is not held accountable. So sad.

[@Anonymous_Anon882]

Very sad indeed but what’s that got to do with this clip?

[@svendahlsten3132]

Thank you ☺️🇫🇮🇫🇮

[@pac4458]

I see... 😊, I don't think you can know it all about a person especially if you ain't really close to the person or always assuming things about that person. That person can be projecting her/his real self only to people she/he deals closely with while the rest know and admire the person from afar without knowing the real person which wasn't let out to them. 🤷😊. I know some people are really good at studying people while many others are not, so they just say anything about the person (wrong or right).

[@randomfornow]

so everyone talks about this but how come I've never felt idiolized by anybody? Except when I start talking MBTI and enneagram numbers but otherwise...?

[@theresefournier3269]

Back to Basics! Most of us would benefit, from simple breathing better. Deeper! At least nine deep breaths, before a meal, takes you out of the fight or flight mode, where all organs, are literally, out of commission! The body's in constant state of stress or survival mode. Nine breaths?! Could you do that, for you? If not, "Houston!!! we have, a problem!" 💔😘

[@SamsonPavlov]

🔥🔥🔥

[@larapunk3532]

I would like to ask what's your enneagram Wenzes? I agree with u, but there's a point, the intensity, being poetic is part of some of us, whatever we done, we still go up and down, I can't live with the normal calm state, another thing that I still remember how I felt lost when nobdy get to admire me as past, being different and unique is a 4 enneagram thing, I was afraid to lose my feelings from being this calm and organised etc but I knew its my nature

[@billihawk368]

Whats Infj???

[@kuangtien3980]

Look up MBTI ..... it is one of the 16 personality types. There is an test online , about a 15 to 20 minute questionnaire which determines your personality / characteristics.

[@ruinedpurity7996]

INFJ girl having a heart to heart talk link here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/gYvOqnaPo7F3Z7c

[@stebarg]

Sounds sort of nice, but can't make much sense out of it.

[@rosalynjolly2565]

Nope

[@linascibelli7592]

Blah blah blah, so many words said and My questions is still, what the heck is INFJ? More confused how this video infiltrated its way into my cupcake search. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[@randomfornow]

um do you know the MBTI system? This video is not about what the INFJ is overall so if you want to know that google that.

[@matilda4406]

When we make space for someone, we learn who they are, that's our gain. Their gain is that they are understood and accepted like never before. They love that of course, but that doesn't mean that they know us. We have just been kind to them. And we learned something in the process, so it's a win win. At least it starts as a win win. Then we give our opinion... and shock horror ! What!! lol