What I Learned About Hyper-Independence and More from a Recent Health Scare - Terri Cole

[@terri_cole]

Let me know below: can you relate to feeling hyper-independent during a crisis, and not being able to ask for help or reach out for support? If this is a struggle for you, remember to grab the guide as I have tips on how to start asking for help in there: www.terricole.com/hyper-independence-guide

[@flyincosmo9356]

🙏"Worrying about causing others' anxiety," then dwelling in guilt for not sharing... totally tracks w/ the Catch-22 of hyper-independence.

[@terri_cole]

Such a concise way of putting it, thank you ❤️

[@user7-o9w]

We see oursleves spending most of our time being the strong for others and we don’t always have to be the rock for everyone, because real strength also comes from seeking help and finding the support we need. Allowing others to help us isn’t weakness, it’s a building of connection.

[@terri_cole]

👏👏👏

[@cherylleezack1260]

Hugs love and healing prayers to you. What a beautiful outlook... There is a therapist who spoke to the cancer saying, "I direct, command, code, coevery cell in my body to be well right now" and she cured herself. ❤

[@GLSetser]

Terri, Your wisdom is astounding and I appreciate your honesty. Thank you for sharing and for being so vulnerable to help us all grow and learn. I have learned so much! may peace be with you and our whole world and especially this very special community. The conversations here are so very important to share and pass along. Thank you all! I love you.💕 ❤

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for saying so- this warmed my heart 💕

[@leanneb9111]

Oh Terri....yes yes yes. That's me all over. It has always been too hard to be vulnerable when it comes to health scares. I tell noone except for my husband and one best friend. The rest of the time I walk around masked. Which is painful and exhausting. It was a useful video. I seriously need to work on this. Thank you for your honesty. So glad all is good.❤

[@terri_cole]

I am so glad this was helpful to hear, and I am holding space for your pain and exhaustion 💕

[@cherylleezack1260]

Thank you... I find it hard to ask or accept help. I will even see myself short for others better off than me

[@terri_cole]

I see you, Cheryl ❤ Thank you for watching!

[@cherylleezack1260]

@@terri_cole thank you for sharing 😇🙏🏼

[@MelissaTaylor-m6r]

❤ I am so happy to hear you are cancer free!!!!! You are an amazing lady. Thank you for helping so many of us with various psychological issues. I love that I can always count on you. Thank you!!! ❤

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️

[@PaulineCarpenter-o5c]

So happy you are okay Terri and thank you for sharing you're a painful story that is something we should not go through alone!!

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@NjD....]

I'ma hypo to the 9th power.. ended up in the ER twice cuz "I had" both AIDS & (according to googling my muscle spasms (which actually turned out to be a simple magnesium deficiency)) ALS. Years ago I was passing a kidney stone (yet we didn't know it was that) & doc asked me to take several tests, including an HIV test.. OVER THE WEEKEND. That was a mistake. My abstinent re-virgin self went absolutely insane just to be told in the ER psych-ward that it was neg & sorry we scared u, had to rule it out. Been worrying ALL my life in vain. I need/want to change that.. Think it has to do with trust & how I was raised as a child.. So glad ur feeling better, my dear Terri. I kno the feeling. We take relief for granted. It feels so freakin' good. U be like: let's party! Lol Thank u 4 sharing ur experience, ur wisdom, & 4 being brave/vulnerable. As a result, I can learn from this. 🧠 U are not alone. & u are loved.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️❤️ I have a video about worrying here that might help: kzbin.info/www/bejne/eofQeYehZZWDpJo

[@NjD....]

Yes.. It helps. Thank u. And I always welcome wisdom. Whether asked, or not. The gifts that matter n life - Your understanding & insight r gifts to humanity.

[@independent8724]

Hi Terri, I can totally relate to some of that. I was brought up to be strong , independent, don't rely on anyone , (Do what you have to do , work if you want something & can't afford it , get a part-time job. I don't ever ask for help from anyone. My mothers very strong & independent. I don't confide in too many people. Keep my personal business to my sekf, (very private person). I'm very loyal to those that I love. My spiritually is very important to me. I release my stress by going outside in nature , (walking), also do meditation s n pray. I'm happy that your test results came back negative. Know that you must be relieved. Have to be a solid rock for my family. Put my faith & trust in God. I'll mame it a point to go make appointments now. Thank you, Blessings , to you. 🙏❤😇✨

[@terri_cole]

So glad you're making the appointments you need, and thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts ❤️ Nature and meditation is so important to me, too!

[@catseyeview7]

Hi Terri, Holly here. I am sorry to hear of your family health history and your personal scare with breast cancer. I am halfway through your book - love it. Love your channel. Can't wait for your new book and your third, fourth, etc.!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for sharing, Holly ❤️ I'm so glad you're enjoying it! I can't wait for the launch of Too Much!

[@robinlynn8087]

Aw, Terri, I'm so sorry to hear about your family's health history and all you had to go thru. Thank God your results turned out well. You really are such a TREASURE!! We all are SO GRATEFUL for you. And, yes, I can totally relate to not wanting to burden others. I, also, can relate to that feeling of 'I know I will be ok'. I really resonate with you. God Bless You, Terri! 💞🙏

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad it resonated and thank you for your kind words, Robinlynn ❤️❤️

[@honeymoonavenue97]

I’m wishing you the best. Genuinely. You’re so wise and help us so much. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this as well.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much 💕

[@CMackenzie-e5u]

Thank you so much for sharing this news with us, Terri. Sending my very best wishes to you. You are so treasured. You have no idea how much I appreciate you and everything you do for your whole community. 💜

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for saying that, it warms my heart ❤️❤️

[@cherylleezack1260]

Sorry you went through so much stress ❤

[@birdie6916]

Thank you for being so transparent, Terri. I am so happy that you are okay. I got pretty emotional watching and listening to you. As a breast cancer survivor, I can totally relate to that fear when there is something in the "dreaded" portal...and not wanting to tell certain people. I think I do that because I am trying to protect myself from their reactions, and yeah, always been the go-to person for my circle so when I went through my cancer ordeal, it was bizarre to be the one in need while also calming everyone down. Somehow I was lucky enough to have made it through. I think if the people in our lives were good at managing their own emotions then we would feel safe sharing the big, scary, life-altering things with them. I recently had a recurrence scare and told no one but my fiancé and my parents. Luckily I am ok, but very sad that I can't share these things with my sister...I know she loves me, but her inability to control her reactions and her freak-outs give me so much anxiety and fear that I have learned what to share and what not to share with her. It feels like I am keeping a secret, but I know it's protection for my own mental health. Thanks so much for this video, Terri. 💖 You are such a guiding light and an inspiration!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for sharing the wisdom you've gained with us, Birdie ❤️❤️ I'm so glad things turned out to be okay for you. I agree with you that it's amazing to have folks in our lives who can manage their own emotions so we feel safe sharing. Having to calm people down when we're going through something hard is so exhausting!

[@lorievanson]

Terri, thank you for this powerful message. I am so grateful to hear that you are all right, and appreciate the reminder to pay attention to health. I look forward to reading “Too much.” Appreciate you 🙏❤️

[@terri_cole]

The appreciation is mutual, Lori ❤️❤️ Thank you!

[@3kboom]

Thank you Terri. I totally identify. And I am so happy to hear you are ok! Cheers to life!

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@Summer_Harvest]

Thank you for sharing Terri. 🌹 I was listening while driving. 😅 Going...Yes!🤚🏼That's me! 🤚🏼 I'm so relieved everything was alright. 🫶🏼

[@terri_cole]

Me too! Thank you 💕

[@moen4645]

Thank you for sharing your observations over something so worrying and delicate Terri. I can relate to how you felt as I am not very good at giving worrying news to others at all~ and understanding the pros and cons when going throu something like this is so valuable. It is a very scary illness 🥺and so glad to hear that everything went well for you. 🙌💕

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for witnessing me and empathizing ❤️❤️

[@marianchioveanu9167]

Wishing you heaps of health and vitality, Terri ❤❤ ! Thank you fot all you do 😊

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@denisel780]

Thank you for sharing your vulnerability and your story with us. That had to be very scary to go through. I admire the ways you were able to cheer yourself on when the "what if" thoughts tried to creep in. I love the gifts you took away from the situation also. Most of all I am so happy you received a clean bill of health in the end. ❤

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much, Denise ❤️❤️❤️

[@LadySunflower-52]

THANK YOU Terri for sharing your scare with us. I am so grateful that the results were fine. One thing that would be helpful- I picked up the message in my youth to be a feminist was to never need anyone. You should handle everything yourself. When life taught me this is simply not true, I ended up picking people that made it worse for me to go through the event. I was better off by myself. How do I break that cycle? I am so excited to get your new book. It truly is a gift to the world. Thank you.❤

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing this- I think a lot of us internalized this message to some degree! It is difficult to break the cycle. I think the tips I shared at the end help- be discerning. Discernment is a foundational part to breaking the cycle, because when we are discerning about who gets the privilege of being in our lives, we can intentionally choose to befriend supportive people who get it. I believe that when we begin healing and recognizing our worth, we begin attracting amazing people into our life. Like I mentioned in the video, those of us who are codependent tend to attract broken-winged birds often. I certainly had that experience in my 20s. But when I began setting boundaries, getting to know myself, and asserting my needs, so much changed. ❤️ I have a video all about discernment here that may help: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rGK4gmubZb9_n7s This video on trust may also be useful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fWPMpXacmJ2de9k

[@silviaconjar1184]

❤ Love and kindness towards you and all what you felt. Hope you had a great support no matter what...

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much, Silvia ❤️❤️

[@silviaconjar1184]

❤❤❤ Oh thank you for showing up with th your thru power and authenticity... And teaching so much to world

[@chaniawillow]

So good. Thank you for this reminder Terri. Glad all is well. Hugs!

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@seaglasscolor]

Terri, so glad you are OK! Now I have a suggestion for you and the other viewers. I also just went through a health scare involving dermatology. Please, people, have a full body check by a dermatologist to rule out any skin cancer. And do not be embarrassed to have the dr. check in all the “hidden” places. Very important, because skin cancer can show up literally anywhere on our bodies, even under fingernails, etc. Terri, so important to remind us to get our mammograms, and regularly.

[@terri_cole]

Yes, yes, yes- I have a whole video on my skin cancer journey, too: kzbin.info/www/bejne/j6TJlHuJgLSkgJY So important to get our skin checked! Thank you for sharing, and I hope things are okay 💕

[@seaglasscolor]

@@terri_cole They are, and I found a great new dermatologist! She happens to be a female.

[@terri_cole]

So glad to hear that ❤️

[@evamussio7533]

... I can relate to not wanting to be vulnerable ❤... thank you always for your helpful and enlightening videos xxx

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for watching, Eva ❤️❤️

[@junerm21]

We really love you a lot as our sister for all the good things you have done for us as your viewers. We will keep you in our prayers. I am so glad I met you, Terri. You're an amazing lady!

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@MauiJOY]

So glad it was benign Terri. I too, had a benign needle biopsy...waiting for the results seemed to be worse than prior to it. The first person I told was very negative and it became all about her so I just kept it to myself, then only told one other who was very supportive. We all need hugs when feeling vulnerable...reach out even if the first one is not helpful. LOVE You Ms T!

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry you went through this, too ❤️ The waiting is awful, isn't it? I'm more sorry to hear that the first person you told made it about them, but I am glad that the other person was supportive. Thanks for sharing ❤️❤️

[@cherylleezack1260]

Yes I find it very hard to ask for help

[@cherylleezack1260]

Yes I have for some time recognised there is nothing we have to do as such, we have a choice... ❤

[@Martty_4]

I tried trusting people who would discuss my life with others and they weren't emotionally safe and I got pretty traumatised after that to ask for help. It's very hard to recognise who is emotionally safe sometimes. Especially when u deal with covert narcissist

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry to hear that, GD ❤️ I do have videos on these topics to try and help raise awareness of what trust and safety looks like: Spotting emotional manipulation: kzbin.info/www/bejne/gWXPl2Bjjphnrtk Spotting emotional abuse: kzbin.info/www/bejne/e6vHm6F-jb2Gmqc Emotional safety: kzbin.info/www/bejne/nGPYnmqwZa6gq8k Emotional maturity: kzbin.info/www/bejne/omSaaIyBnK-kjMk Learning to trust again: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fWPMpXacmJ2de9k

[@Martty_4]

@@terri_cole thanks so much Terri. I will look into them. Ur very kind and I am greatful we women have u🎆💟🙏God bless you

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@lisacoleman9398]

My maternal aunt also had breast cancer. And in 2020, I was diagnosed with breast cancer 4 months after my father died alone in a nursing home. It was small, caught early, had a lumpectomy, radiation, no chemo. But I am on a hrt medication to keep me in remission. Hrt giving me hot flashes and mood swings. I made it thru the other side and im lucky it was caught soon and small. This year, I have cptsd (childhood trauma and also as adult) and I'm going thru betrayal trauma in my relationship. And the husband just wrecked my car 5 weeks ago, its totaled. My mother recently had a stroke and the maternal aunt now in late stages of dementia. I'm quite isolated and around a lot of mental health problems. What keeps me going? Seeing my grandkids every Saturday, crafting, yardsales, thrift stores, music, my pets, my education and striving to keep evolving and learning, antidepressants, individual counseling, watching and reading self help materials on my mental health, watching people like you on utube❤, and somehow managing to keep a sense of humor most days. Thank you for your wise guidance. Hugs❤

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love and strength your way, Lisa ❤️❤️❤️ Thank you for sharing what keeps you going.

[@endopause]

Firstly, so sorry you had to go through that, though you navigated it beautifully of course 😊 Secondly, can’t wait to read your new book!! 🩷🌸

[@terri_cole]

Thank you ❤️❤️ I can't wait for you to have it!!

[@endopause]

@@terri_cole pre-ordered today and of course signed up for the bonuses 🌸✨

[@terri_cole]

Woohoo 🙌🙌🙌

[@cherylleezack1260]

Yes I worry about causing concern for others

[@MMM2World]

Thank you so much for sharing your recent experience with us, Terri. I’m so glad to hear you’re okay. I can really relate to not wanting to be vulnerable and having a very hard time asking for help from anyone. Also, there are not many people I can ask b/c they all seem to need help themselves. As for the health care system. I’m receiving help through the affordable care act which I’m grateful for, but I hate even going to the doctor for the same reasons and could actually use other types of healthcare like dental care, counseling and chiropractic/ bodywork which mostly isn’t covered by my insurance. I also need a job or to get on social security, one or the other (or both.). I really appreciate your opening up as it helps me a lot to feel more comfortable making an appointment at least to see my doctor.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad my sharing makes you feel more comfortable ❤️ I have a video around advocating for yourself within the medical system here, too: kzbin.info/www/bejne/pp2omGadaaiNd80

[@Maliilse75]

Thank you Terri for sharing your story and being vulnerable in the process. Personally, both my parents go into fix mode when I tell them something is wrong. I also do that unconsciously, thinking it might help and to show my concern. The truth is, not many people have the high emotional quotient to deal with these uncomfortable periods. You seem to have an incredible network of friends and colleagues with high EQ, you should add that to your gratitude list! It's not a given. :)

[@terri_cole]

I am incredibly thankful for the supportive folks in my life. ❤️ I'm aware isn't a given- being what I consider a true blue pal takes work and dedication. Part of my mission is to raise people's awareness and hopefully their EQ as well! And that's also why I'm talking so much about high-functioning codependency, as I think *many* of us (especially women) were raised to show their concern in this way, and when we make the unconscious conscious, we can then make different choices.

[@Maliilse75]

@@terri_cole Thank you for all your hard work. ❤

[@uniquelybeyou]

Thank you so much Terri for this topic, I was just talking about this very topic to someone and it effects on me and how I don't ask for help in certain areas.

[@uniquelybeyou]

Thank you from heart felt share and vulnerability 💜 Conversation is so helpful from this episode...all your shows have so many gems Navigating road of trust and receiving 🌻💜🙏

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad it was helpful ❤️

[@valodimopoulou8865]

I had a similar health scare at the age of 28, a small hard lump on my breast which had to be taken a sample for biopsy. It was an emergency needle biopsy done in the doctor's office 😮 I had done no therapy work and for a week my feelings were all over the place. I was terrified, I wasn't eating, I couldn't sleep, it was a living hell. Like you I have dense breasts so I go for a combination of mammogram and ultrasound in order to get the best possible results. I have no family history but my breast density and my type 1 diabetes make me prone to almost everything. I started mammograms from the age of 35. Prevention is key and good mental health.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry you went through something similar ❤️ It can be so nerve-wracking to go through! Glad to hear you're getting mammograms regularly. ❤️

[@amymcdaniel2935]

My mother moved in after my dad passed away. My wife has been supportive in that she helped us move and like allowed mom to move in. But she complains incessantly. The dogs are barking. I can't stand it. When your mom sits her glass down out in the living room, I can hear it. It's been really difficult dealing with the loss of my dad and trying to be there for my mom. I'm not sure how to deal with my wife's complaints. She makes valid points, and I've set a lot of boundaries with my mom. But it's making me sick, and I don't know how to set a healthy boundary or get my wife to say her valid points to me in a way that isn't with anger. If you have any suggestions I would greatly appreciate them. Thank you for your work. I listen to Boundary boss on audible. I am currently working on the workbook and excited for the new book coming!!!

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Amy ❤️❤️ I just want to validate that this sounds really difficult all around. Would exchanging messages with your wife make the situation less emotionally charged? I would maybe start by writing a letter or letting her know that you need to clear some time to talk (when emotions are neutral). "Hey, I know my mother moving in with us has been difficult to deal with. I hear you and have been trying my best to set boundaries with her to make it easier on you. I don't love how much it has changed things for us, either. But I need to ask you for patience and support. I am still grieving the loss of my dad, and my mother might be, too. I can feel myself getting physically sick the more pressure there is in the household. Can we please figure out a way to move through this together? I need you on my team, and I feel like we're not on the same page here. I'd really love your support." Of course, edit it to what feels true for you. The point is saying, "I hear you and I see you and I know that this isn't fun for you, but it's also not any more fun for me. Us against each other is not working. How can we come back together here?" I'm not sure how open you've been with your wife about how you feel in the wake of your dad passing. Perhaps she doesn't realize how much of an impact this is all having on you, and you sharing this will change things. If your mother being with you is temporary, try to focus on that and there being a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope that helps ❤️

[@lc5666]

I don't want to have to process other people's feelings about my struggle. I have enough to deal with from the struggle -- I don't need extra work. Interested in what moving past that might look like.

[@terri_cole]

I get that ❤️ And I don't advocate for sharing things with folks who you'll need to take care of, because no one needs that on top of everything else they're struggling with. I think discernment is key- who is safe to share with? Who will truly support you and show up for you in the way you need them to? You're looking for someone who halves the burden you carry. Beyond that, I invite you to question why you need to process other people's feelings about your struggle, because you're right- you don't need the extra work! If folks don't take our news well, we can assure ourselves that it's not our side of the street, as I mentioned in the video. Someone reacting badly to your news is not yours to carry. People messaging for updates? Their messages can go unanswered, or we can have a script ready (or an auto-responder on our email): "Thanks for your concern, I don't have the bandwidth to provide updates at this time. I'll check back in when I do. Thank you for respecting my space as I navigate this." If you do have someone in your corner who can handle things, let them issue updates on your behalf. They can act as a bit of a barrier to insulate you while you go through what you need to go through. We are never obligated to share what's going on with us- it's a privilege for folks to be in our VIP circle. ❤️

[@sharonb519]

No use asking anyone for help because the only person you can count on is yourself.

[@sailorsallyrockinrarity2130]

When I cheated on my ex-husband, and ultimately decided to divorce him, the only people I really told were my parents, my brothers, and my in-laws. My ex-sil (married to my ex's brother) was a long-time friend from even before we were dating those brothers, and at first she supported whatever I needed to do, but then changed her mind and insisted that I get back together with my ex. Eventually she threatened me to either get back together with him or I would never see my niece and nephew again - which hurt because my nephew is my godson. So most friends I had with strong religious affiliations - even if I knew in my mind that they would be far more understanding of my situation - I avoided talking with out of shame. I am still picking up the pieces from that. I need to reconnect with people. It just sucks that I still feel so much shame from what I had done, and there have also been other people who were very clearly not pleased with what went down. Which don't get me wrong, I understand, but I need to know where I can rebuild and where I need to cut my losses.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️ That is so hard to deal with. Your ex sister-in-law had no right to insist you get back together with your ex and then use her children to control the situation. I hope you're able to find someone to confide in, even if it's a therapist or an online support group. ❤️

[@sahilgulati5376]

Hi Terri, could you do a video on 'Self Esteem'? If you have already uploaded it, can I maybe get a link? I would really appreciate it!

[@terri_cole]

Yes! Video on self-worth: kzbin.info/www/bejne/jZzWkmSroaZ8hdE Video on confidence: kzbin.info/www/bejne/oX22XoGanLmqq5I Video on how boundaries help with self-esteem: kzbin.info/www/bejne/l36nnH5vpLqIhbs

[@cherylleezack1260]

Sharks represent fearless movement as an animal Totem

[@Abu85749]

If you listen to Lousie Hay, she says everyone with breast cancer can't say no.

[@independent8724]

Make

[@nancylang4294]

No use asking for help from a narcisstic husband.