What I realized about men -- after I transitioned genders | Paula Stone Williams | TEDxMileHigh

[@lw3269]

She's 100% correct. I own two companies, and I have a gender neutral first name. When I communicate with people via email, it's astounding the difference in the level of respect I get when people think I'm a woman, vs when they think I'm a man.

[@mickmamahawkmickmamahawk5829]

He.

[@deeandrews7051]

Is this why jobs traditionally performed by men, even unskilled jobs, like lawn mowing and handymen, are paid (by the hour) more than secretaries who operate computers and complicated computer programs?

[@5DNRG]

That is very telling..and a statement on where our devolved society is still stuck at due to the toxic patriarchal people who've dominated over the past centuries...but that's changing fast!😊

[@arielstrafing5225]

BORRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNG

[@janedoll3237]

@@deeandrews7051 How much money you make is largely determined by supply and demand. This includes the supply of workers willing to do jobs. There’s often a higher demand for jobs like handymen (which is skilled labor), because there’s fewer people willing to do the work. The bias against blue collar jobs by snobs like you just makes the work more lucrative for people that know how to do it.

[@Entelehija]

"As a male, I was allowed to express my anger. It was a sign of passion for the subject. Now, as a female, when I express my anger, the whole room goes dead silent, and I become "that crazy woman"." - SO TRUE!

[@gawdlike4075]

Become a man since it’s so easy

[@nemzi8969]

No true at all 😂

[@theconsciousmovement9669]

Mens lives are DEFINITELY SOOOO EASSYYY

[@marvin2678]

Thats Not a "female"

[@himwhoisnottobenamed5427]

@@theconsciousmovement9669 🤣🤣🤣 Yeah right.

[@bluedancelilly]

"Until female traits are respected as much as male traits we're never going to get anywhere near gender equity". Right on!

[@bluesideace]

@@asg8813 what about the sentence did you not get? "As much as"...as in the same amount. Where did anyone say women should be above men???? Please stop trying to create drama, where there is none needed

[@crystaleunoia3974]

@@asg8813 I don't even understand how you could've read that wrong.

[@blackpamba7304]

It depends on environment. Some traits are needed more in some branches of work. You have different traits on nurses and construction workers. Worked in the health department. I don’t think my value as a man worked🤔

[@Shan-ShanH]

Until we as women, stop letting biological men erase, control, and take over our sports, our experiences, etc., then we as women are part of the war on ourselves. This man has never experienced what it’s like to be an actual woman. And shame on any woman who let him think that he has.

[@ycAuntieLala]

When women respect their own traits and not scorn them then there will be a hefty move toward social equity. It is not always the men who need to change. Women waiting for men to make all the changes is exhausting. Each has their own traits to bring to the table no matter what the environment or circumstance.

[@politemenace5781]

"If in all of your interactions with women, you would assume that a woman knows what she's talking about and treat her accordingly, it would go a very long way." YES. When a woman talks to you, don't dismiss her, don't assume she's exaggerating, don't assume she's overly emotional. Talking to other women I've always felt as if we exist in a different space, living our own reality that nobody else is aware of, and that's because most of the time we try to talk about our experiences, we're met with doubt and unwillingness to understand. And every time we try to be heard, our voices are drowned out by louder voices that feel entitled to talk on our behalf. It's harmful and it makes you question your own sanity. So when a woman talks to you, *listen to her* , and maybe even try to see things from her point of view. It will make all the difference in the world.

[@cherylalt101]

Well said polite menace, very well said!

[@titanbuck7]

💗💗💗

[@jaystone5036]

One solution is, with experience, finding women who listen to you earnestly and always want to find solutions to problems too.

[@BlueHazyDreams]

@@jaystone5036 Problems aren't all meant to be solved. Sometimes they're meant to be processed, grieved, and accepted.

[@jaystone5036]

@@BlueHazyDreams how is that true in relation to her comment ?

[@saragarofano9727]

She's like the science professor that loves you because you're weird and not specifically because you do good at science

[@Call-me-Al]

That sort of environment lets you do better science. Studies have shown that you work better in less cutthroat environments, because you waste less time on mitigating risks and sticking to things that aren't much of a gamble.

[@saragarofano9727]

@@Call-me-Al Which part didn't you understand, specifically,

[@Call-me-Al]

@@saragarofano9727 ...? I wasn't arguing against you. I was just adding to it.

[@saragarofano9727]

@@Call-me-Al A HA

[@ellencampbell3921]

Magic school bus- Miss Frizzy! The fake higher octave is the same. Lol

[@mizzamystar]

"The world can change for the better, but somebody has to pay the price". There it is. The mantra for our times.

[@TheKrispyfort]

The purchase is totally worth the investment costs

[@aneumeier4433]

This says it all and why social change and justice has a tough road ahead. Those who control (and benefit from) the system have the most to lose.

[@blackpamba7304]

Like this hasn’t been said before 🤦‍♂️

[@levmoses742]

Yup! Cause the price being paid now is devastating for everyone in the long run.

[@levmoses742]

@@aneumeier4433 And the most to gain. Increased quality of life to name one.

[@jayare6804]

Speaker - makes great point about promoting equality for women Pan to audience - guys with arms crossed, straight faced

[@Lorrainecats]

Yes, I noticed that too.

[@kencowan3438]

If there is one major difference here between men and women, it is that men have been taught NOT to open up as much. If they talk about a problem, it is more from the basics and pragmatics of the problem. So it is HOW someone discusses things that becomes quite possibly the problem. Example: two articles in the NY Times about a new technical gadget..The man explained what it was, what it was supposed to do, how well it did or did not work, and then gave a summation of his general thoughts about whether or not it was worth buying. The woman writer took an entirely different approach, where she talked about how she had problems getting it to do what she wanted; she made it into a personal narrative. To put it bluntly, using a typical, highly disliked expression - she made it all about herself - discussing HER relation to the object, wheres the man made it all about the object. So one problem for women in dealing with men might be that they take an approach which men will stop listening to, as they are not getting the information they most feel they need. Second problem: women are allowed to "chat" in ways that men are not. In fact, women are always complaining that their husbands/boyfriends etc don't express themselves enough. Yet that seems to be the never-ending goal of women. I saw this firsthand one day when driving back from some event with three women. I was astonished to notice that for a lot of the trip, one woman would say something and suddenly all three were giving their points of view at the same time. It became a cacophony where it was impossible to follow any of them successfully, but none of them seemed to mind that no-one could really follow their narratives. It became obvious that "expressing themselves" was a goal in and of itself, and whether or not anyone was really listening didn't matter much at all. Of course, that was three women together. If a man had tried to say something too (I didn't bother...) - then he would quite possibly have been accused of trying to monopolize the conversation!

[@Ihchkciyiyhgifuofyr555]

@@kencowan3438 some of what you described is just classic toxic masculinity. Hormones coupled with societal expectations do make men and women respond differently. Both sexes could use toning down with their gendered way of expressing. Men do need to open up more, according to psychologists it's the leading cause of men's mental health decline and suicide ideation etc. Can't be bottling sh*t up all the time. Men being more expressive needs to be normalized. Women could really do with less expressions lol. Watching all these women in a house living together on a reality show, they all have 1 million problems they need to be babied for and constantly complain about and their problems take priority. Give them solutions and you've hurt their feelings... they're always playing the victim, etc. I do believe over sharing or being overly expressive is something society pushes on women to make them more vulnerable and less independent. Difference is, withholding emotion is still seem as more respectable than over sharing. There should be a healthy balance. When men can express themselves more, not only are their relationships healthier & suicide rates go down... it helps them become more independent bc men are no longer solely reliant on women for emotional stability and can rely on their own emotional fortitude.

[@laliday]

@@kencowan3438 You dont get it. Men typically build something abstract to fulfill some desire or a technical goal. Women think about how the device will be used, what needs it solves and how it will affect the community and a family. For example, a guy will build an outhouse because it's needed. A women will notice whether or not it's even safe for others to use and if it's accessible. Another example side walks and curbs. When men built them they were not accessible because they didn't need them to be and didn't care about the other 50% of the population. When women design them they are accessible because they are the ones who push strollers a lot and they know how hard it can be. So I think men should be asking more questions and be more open about various perspectives. What you got out from those articles speaks more about you than the writers. The woman wanted to use the gadget to fulfill a need. The device had to serve her needs taking into account various limitations. The guy just talked about what it does so the audience had to do more work imagining and thinking of the device in context. Based on what I understand both articles are valuable and complement each other. If both had the same structure, the second one would be redundant. But they don't. Both complement each other and being something unique to the table. This also happens when teams composed of diverse individuals solve problems, innovate, or create. They diverse perspective (including gender-based) bring more value to organization and increase profits too, and actually this had been studied a lot and these are the results. So instead of marginalizing on group truly believe them and be curious about what they say. Stop seeing it as a complaint or self absorption, excessive emotions etc. and start believing that this information is valuable. It can make your company more successful and your life could also gain qulity

[@jayare6804]

@@kencowan3438 thank you for sharing your perspective. It's always interesting to hear someone else's point of view. I agree that generally speaking, many men and women are taught to express themselves differently, and there in lies a major points that Ms Williams was making - that until perceived female traits and ways of expression are valued as much as their male counterparts, true equality will not exist. In the examples you provide, a value judgment is placed on the way the women in your anecdotes chose to express themselves. That it can be a problem, and the implication is that women should adjust. Why not men open their understanding? In fulsomely describing a tech gadget, there is value in understanding how a person relates to it and the benefits or issues presented. With a group of people, there can be value in collective emoting (perhaps they are unable to do so otherwise, e.g. home, work, etc. Also, some people can follow several threads of conversation at once, so what you may deem a cacophony of conversation, someone else may describe as efficient, effective, etc. Also, I think it depends upon the circumstances of where someone is "opening up" to determine if their expression is deemed socially appropriate. Women are often unable to open up about their thoughts and ideas in groups of men, particularly in male-dominated work settings, whereas their male counterparts are encouraged and praised. I see another commenter in this thread discussed male repression of emotion and the negative impacts on their mental health and society, so I'll just say here that I completely agree.

[@sorrelk6926]

I’m a trans guy. The 10% of the time that I manage to be read as male to someone, I notice how wildly different they treat me. In a sense, it makes me glad I’m trans, I hope those experiences being afab help me be a better man to everyone.

[@orikaydar7326]

I hope you'll have such great life, you have the capability to be the best men possible and i believe that you'll take it. I love you, I know that being trans is hard sometimes but you can do it and you can go through. Always know that the community is here for you and everything you'll need and that we are all amazing people (including you) 💞

[@aldenheterodyne2833]

I'm pre-everything and still _always_ read as a woman. I really hope that my 25 years as a girl will make me a good, kind, and empathetic man... And hopefully an amazing husband. All I can do right now to that end is to learn, and give knowledge I already have. I try to make trans women happy by giving them pieces of the girlhood that I unwillingly experienced- turning something painful for me into something wonderful for someone else. I try to impress my hypothetical future wife by learning how to cook for her. I try to increase the chances of my hypothetical future family's survival by saving and learning to be spendthrift and resourceful- even though I have a decent job with a good income now. And even now, I like giving people things- especially children. If I make candy or cookies, I'll give the excess to the 5 year old next door. If I see a family that clearly doesn't know what stinging nettles look like, I'll go into the place where the kiddos play and harvest all the nettles and thistles I can find. And If I can catch the family outside, I'll teach them what nettles look like. My brother says that interacting with children as a man is socially iffy. I hope I can still do nice things for kids once I start looking like a man.

[@spaceman081447]

@@aldenheterodyne2833 RE: ". . . and learning to be spendthrift and . . ." Definition of spendthrift: A person who spends money in an extravagant, irresponsible way. Somehow, I don't think that you meant the above.

[@jaclynramsier5271]

Such interesting social opportunity trans folks provide the world. Any argument that it is anything other than how the same behavior is received by others is out the window. You didn't magically get dumber, smarter, more or less competent, but your opinions carry more weight and respect. I am sorry for the struggles you have had to transistion and thank you for bringing that light.

[@MB-qp5ge]

I'm AFAB non-binary. When I'm perceived as a man (usually online, because I'm read as a woman IRL), the difference is INSANE! I feel like people actually listen to me! Instead of doubting I know what I'm talking about (until I prove them I do), they just accept that I do know stuff (unless I show them otherwise). It's pretty sad that we live in such a world

[@graceyang9607]

"But here's the thing- you started closer to the finish line than anyone else." *claps*

[@ellencampbell3921]

He wants to pretend to be a woman? Just a geeky guy who has too much money. The hunching is preventable. He needs yoga not hormones.

[@o5640]

@@ellencampbell3921 she i s a woman and she surely knows herself what she needs and what she doesn't

[@sw8228]

@@ellencampbell3921 Your disrespect for this woman is the same patriarchal disrespect men give to all women in society, don't appropriate the oppression just because you're uncomfortable.

[@ellencampbell3921]

S W You are disrespecting all women when you call him she. He is a fraud. Women never want to see him teaching children. Never want to see him as my doctor. Fraud. Like Bruce. Desperate for attention.

[@o5640]

You have totally and absolutely no right to speak on behalf of all women,by the way

[@makrauchenia1]

'Lost is a place too' - I love her :D

[@d.ramirezforero]

@@kingkoua1 Her* treat people as they don't want is disrispectful.

[@arianopoien]

@@kingkoua1 her

[@IngriddenHeijer]

This was a very powerful quote. Resonates...

[@allietesta9566]

Ikr. I’m gonna get that tattooed to my forehead or something, it’s such a good quote.

[@achieving.excellence]

I know you run the race with integrity but you started closer to the finish line than anyone else - well said Paula!

[@Macrodude1]

People start where their parents, and their grandparents, etc. put them. If you want everyone to start at the same place, eliminate parents.

[@zvipatent]

@@Macrodude1 You make a good point, but other points, IMO, are that men are traditionally expected to be the bread-winners, and are naturally more aggressive. So, I'd say men are also closer to the finish line due to DNA, personality, and expectations

[@BlueHazyDreams]

@@Macrodude1 Because that's practical. /s It's not a matter of evening the starting line, it's a matter of getting people to even ACKNOWLEDGE they started the race ahead and keep that in mind when they rush to try to cross the finish line first that maybe someone else ran faster and harder to deserve that victory, and the only reason they're ahead is because that person is behind.

[@crisalcantara7671]

Y'all are just a bunch of privileged brats lol

[@wraithvendeta]

I started my life so poor that we usually didn't have power, we ate roadkill and existed on food stamps when we could. Please tell me again how I started ahead of anyone in the race?

[@aliciawei4265]

I work at a startup that has terrific gender equity with more than half of leadership positions filled by women. It is a completely different experience working here compared to back when I was the only female engineer on the team. Because the system I was in changed so drastically, I am able to clearly see what an empowering spot I currently occupy vs how the system held me down in my previous company. Before, I thought the problem was me. “Why couldn’t I say something? Is it because I get too nervous and my brain doesn’t function properly? Oh I could’ve said something there that’s helpful but it’s too late now and it’s too awkward to revisit the topic. This must be a me problem and all I have to do is try harder.” Oh boy was I wrong. Gender inequality exists. Systemic power imbalances disempower women.

[@MultipolarBear485]

Or maybe you just hate men.

[@sammyruncorn4165]

@@MultipolarBear485 I didn't spot any words of hate against men in her text. Only complaints about the system and self-doubts. She might be sth. else (shy, sensitive.... I don't know) you could consider to be the case (why she was in the position she was and felt the way she did), but unless you read sth. about her raging about man, I would leave hate out of the discussion.

[@goondocksaints9597]

So how do you handle those thoughts now? How are you different?

[@aliciawei4265]

Goondock Saints a few things come to mind...one, when those thoughts come up I try to recognize that those thoughts are normal and also mutable. The thoughts are like little clouds drifting in and out of my body, no need to laser focus on it. Also, I seek out situations that empower me while disengaging from other situations or people. I guess same point about shifting my focus away from the bad and onto the good. I am grateful for these situations where I am able to concretely see how capable I am. Another thing I noticed is that when I perform below my goals, I don’t think about it from a gender perspective as much, which is good since that’s not something I can control. I think more about other factors that I can reasonably change. But general self worth esp as it relates to gender issues is something I continue to work on. It’s quite fun having something to work on because I know that in a year or two I will be even more accepting and comfortable with myself than I am now.

[@wololo696969]

And you really believe, men wouldn't get discriminated against in a predominantly female field? You're delusional. Humans are humans and humans don't like people who aren't like them. And what bigger difference between two people could ever exist than what's between the legs? It affects so many things, while stuff like skin colour only has miniscule effects on your body. Btw, I used to be a nurse in a big hospital. 90% of nursing staff was female, about 65% of doctors were female. Do you think, as a man, you could just have normal conversation without someone pulling power moves directed towards your own gender? Things you will never hear about in the media.

[@melizbeth1]

Sad so many of the men in the audience seem to be checking out. Some are arms folded and another is shown looking down at his phone. As humans we don't see the 'other side until we are living it'. Thank you so much for your perspective, Paula Stone! You Rock for your courage and perseverance....

[@trinity4827]

Unfortunately its doesnt surprised me. Men lives in their own little minds, they are hardly willing to acknowledge any living or experiences besides their own without dismissing/belittling it. This only show their weakness. Lack of empathy it's a big weakness. They live in their own fantasy that its feed by the male community itself and often times by other women. I know many women, including myself, whose many times decide just not to speak up or evidence any male defect in order to protect their beliefs/illusions that seems to be the foundation of their own sanity because we see that they cannot handle without it. Men act like they everyday lives its a battlefield in order to downplay female struggles, meanwhile they cannot handle the thruth outside their own fables and delusions of grandeur. Since I started to work, I realized that men have it easier than women. By saying this I'm not trying to downplay their problems, but it's a fact that women have so much more obstacles that many men wouldn't even dreamed of.

[@phenomenal-xv4ey]

Yes I wonder how many women understand what it is like to be a man. If women understand how much privilege they have.

[@gushamilton5188]

It's because she references myth and lore instead of facts. 5:05 it all makes sense.

[@0abo713]

Explain to me why 80% if suicides are men .. 90% of the homeless are men .. 99% of mental problems reported are from men .. and still this women claim that being a man is "easier" .. ofc men are gonna be the richest because they have to . Because if they didn't become successful.. they're invisible, Hated on and scared from.. so stop believing the rich and start asking the people that actually have a touch with reality.

[@jonathanSpg]

Its because she wasn't really a man She has no idea what shes talking about Men "mansplain" i can agree with that but not just to women Men masplain to everyone equally

[@spinnerfidget9546]

I like how all the men in the comments assume that by someone talking about women's issues and problems, that's the equivalent of saying men's lives are easy and not caring about them. Like you can't talk about your experiences otherwise it's misandry and sexist and exclusionary. Women talking about women isn't erasing men. It's not saying they have it easy and it's not saying they don't have problems. It's just not being discussed at the moment. Not everything has to be about you.

[@mmmstudios6540]

True! Sometimes us guys just need to listen. No one is being targeted in this speech. It is a calling for people to rise up together and fight for gender equity and equality! Us guys need to listen, be patient and understanding of the sexism women experience. We have privilege. We can’t deny it. And we need to do everything we can to fight for gender equity and equality.

[@joeschidt5037]

@@mmmstudios6540 you go girl.

[@complexlittlepirate3589]

@Priyanshee Shah Exactly, yes.

[@user-oe4wr9tn2n]

@Priyanshee Shah Do you even know what struggles men have, because I can make a list. Don't assume men have privilage without statistical proof backing it up.

[@michelesapone2104]

We never talk about male problems , female problems dominates the media .

[@ennamorgan9673]

I absolutely love her succinct message, non-confrontational delivery, and that she cares enough to BE the change she want, and to not just speak about that change!...A true leader.

[@RedLikeWine]

Well said!!!!

[@existingthing3888]

@@4KnowledgeThatBenefits well she does what she can now that she has transitioned, she couldn’t really be a good guy that changes things because she’s a woman, considering that, as she spoke about in the end, she is the change she wants to see when she gets the opportunity. I’m not sure if you meant for it, but it comes of a bit transphobic to write ‘she’ and ‘woman’ like that.

[@allietesta9566]

I don’t really get the whole “putting her name and pronouns in quotes in order to show that you don’t recognize her identity” thing. Like Paula is her legal name, and she/her pronouns are the pronouns that describe her identity the best. Do put quotes around people’s nicknames? Do you only use names that are used to describe someone as an infant? Please explain how this seems like a good decision and an effective way to like “protest her identity” or something lol

[@Kabullo76]

he's a dude

[@Kabullo76]

@@allietesta9566 he's a dude

[@mikalahenderson9220]

"You know one single thing would make a huge difference guys-if in all your interactions with women you would assume that a woman knows what she's talking about and treat her accordingly, it would go a very long way."

[@michaniewiadomski7911]

Tried that, many times. Just to hard-learn in the end she doesn't need advice or solution, but rather consolation or just being heard. So after all, she didn't knew what she was talking about. Otherwise she would tell "Hear me out" instead of "I got a problem" or "what would you do". And of course then the legendary "You should've figured this out!". No, I shouldn't. I treated her as if a man was talking to me. And this happened not once, not twice, and not with a single woman. That's just one example, but there are more. And because of that this video seems quite untrue to me. I agree it's certainly different to have different gender. But it's not "men have it all".

[@VengeanceBG]

Sure, assume everybody knows what he's talking about and see where this will lead you.

[@lisalisa5513]

​@@michaniewiadomski7911 Well, I think it´s hard to talk about that without a specific example. I feel like the situations Paula was talking about are more in the business field or when it´s about knowledge concerning a certain topic. Whereas you are probably talking more about private, day to day conversations? I would assume that in the situations you are talking about there´s a miscommunication happening: She wants something from you (e.g. being heard oder consolidated) and you think what she wants is something else (e.g. a solution or advice). In my opinion it´s unfair to say it´s the woman´s fault you didn´t understand what she wanted, BUT in my opinion it´s also not fair to say it´s totally your fault the miscommunication happened. So what I´m saying is that, instead of looking for who´s to blame, I think it would be more productive for both sides to work towards communicating in a way you can understand each other. I agree with you that it would be wrong to just say "men have it all". There are certainly also benefits to being a woman. BUT white men are the ones with the power. They are in the powerful positions where they can make decisions, where their voices are heard and their opinions are what makes up a lot of the public dicourse. And that´s not fair. Because the popularity doesn´t consist of 100% white males and they can´t speak for everyone. They don´t know about the needs and the perspectives of the other people. That´s why you need to invite everybody to the table, to listen to them and take them seriously.

[@olly_evans]

You can't make someone respect you. You have to prove yourself. Thats not how it works. Men don't respect each other just because they're men, but because they've made there inherent value known.

[@SD-ft5xj]

See that’s exactly the problem. Men’s trust to other men is freely given, not earned.

[@kcse]

A few years ago, at the start of a meeting on the budget for the upcoming year, the only male bodied person in the room, but not the only dean in the room, advised me that we would not be discussing salaries because he didn’t want the discussion to get “emotional”. Having been a lawyer previously I was trained to address conflict head on. So I told him in front of all my female bodied colleagues (being one as well) that discussing salaries is an essential part of budget planning and I had not planned on beginning emotional in discussing the budget but if he had planned on detailing the discussion by choosing to make such a statement as his opening gambit then he should know he would not succeed. I also emailed him immediate following the meeting regarding his statement. That it was absolutely insensitive and could be viewed, reasonably and legally so, as discriminatory against the people in that room based solely in their gender. I wrote the email with a “this is a teachable moment” approach. He responded later that night with an apology and asked to meet in person so he could apologize face to face. We did. He did. I think he meant it. But he did not budge on the budget. But he never said anything like that again. And so I count that as a success. We might not win on the merits but if we can make someone with more privilege aware of the Discourse of Privilege AND they become more mindful of that discourse, then that’s a step in the right direction. We’re not always going to agree. But we need to hear and listen to one another, respect one another, and work toward equality everyday. Especially now. I listened to this Ted talk when it first came out. It’s even more pertinent in light of the fallout caused by the Dobbs decision’s elimination of the privacy right of a female bodied person to make the most intimate of decisions to continue or terminate a pregnancy.

[@marvagordon4280]

Unfortunately, even if it is not said, it can be thought AND acted upon! Sheesh, it is probably even worse them - unspoken, it is an unknown factor😬

[@jenniharrison6759]

The two times a man has said the word emotional in a business context, "I know some people get emotional when X comes up" is the one that I remember, I have said "if you believe you are going to get emotional then you can always ask for a minute to compose yourself". They could not clarify what they actually meant without admitting their intent.

[@biapac7849]

I would have fired you

[@erindeerhart5538]

That man's words had nothing to do with privilege. Just a preconception that talk of salaries would make the women emotional. A faux pas at best, sexism at worst.

[@melissasaint3283]

I would like to know if there was a pay gap between him and most of those female colleagues was, and if so, what it was.

[@katiekorell9776]

I just moved to a new location in my job. This location is all men. On my second day I was told by an elderly white coworker that I was too aggressive. I came from a very busy location so I'm used to working fast and hard. He was upset that I was doing my job too well. The conversation I had to have with my new manager was challenging, as I had to be very careful not to offend any of the men who seemed upset a woman was coming in and talking charge. Grow up guys.

[@CelesteAnise]

I kept getting blocked in positions too. Never taken seriously and had to try to be extra careful when dealing with the male ceo or owners. I finally had to just step away from the conventional job sector just to get my sanity back after years of abuse and wage theft in the workforce

[@brookesteele7432]

A lot of people at work are just simply lazy.. the way I grew up, you do your best and never leave a job half done.. which seems to be an unknown concept among the people at my work. I think I could get a hefty raise this year, but I’m due in October and will be missing weeks of work which makes me kind of have to ‘restart’. If I was a man I definitely think I’d be making a lot more, and the work would be easier cuz I wouldn’t have to work at 26 weeks pregnant💀

[@tympanumeffect]

@@brookesteele7432 Having grown up in the "do your best and never leave a job half-done" mindset...and recently transitioned to what I would have considered the "lazy person" mindset, I believe there are several valid reasons why calibrated mediocrity is the best approach. 1. It's energy-efficient. I've had a lot of roles in my professional career. More often than not, the best worker doesn't get rewarded with recognition and better pay. They get rewarded with more work...for the same pay...because they're reliable. 2. In certain concerns, I'm smarter or more well-informed than a lot of my leaders. The majority--though not all--do not take kindly to someone who outshines or outperforms them. The mythos of leadership is that leaders are the most qualified and capable--and we all subconsciously buy into it. Outperforming or outshining your leaders disrupts that mythos and indirectly calls to question their placement in the hierarchy. So, sometimes, it's good to not do *too much* of your best if doing so places you in that social quandary. 3. Sometimes, the people who came before you figured out this social ecosystem--and they calibrated their actions to achieve balance. When newcomers arrive and disrupt that balance, it can easily mess it up for everyone else. My friends and I got together right before the pandemic and had a laugh when we all compared job experiences from our past twenty years of working. We all grew up with the middle-class, puritan work ethic of "work hard, do your best, and life will reward you for it". So, we all as individuals became very technically competent in our various fields. However, in comparing our experiences, we all summed the same realization. Jobs success is only 50% becoming competent in your vocation; the other 50% is successfully navigating the social environment. Accurately calibrating your performance is part of navigating that social environment. It determines your pay and your opportunities.

[@cathybutcher4826]

@@CelesteAnise I'm glad to see you use the term wage theft because that is exactly what it is. Wage gap is a nice, soft word for something much uglier. I absolutely feel as if I'm being stolen from while men that are much less capable and qualified are making the same or more than me.

[@CelesteAnise]

@@cathybutcher4826 usually women in the workforce are expected to perform other duties outside the scope of the job as well but not the males. It is maddening and yet you can never stand up for yourself but owners and ceos do not care about retention they only care about their egos.

[@Theroha]

I'm going to make an effort when I return to work after COVID to listen more to the women I work with. I'm in event technology which is very male dominated. As a smaller man, I'm glad I have the guys on my team that I do because they can throw around more weight than I. I've learned the most about my industry by watching the women. They are the best lighting techs I've seen. One woman is known around town for her expertise with stage decor. If the industry wasn't as full of guys as it is, I'd probably have met a femme expert for every subject matter in my field by now.

[@icameinlikeawreckingball2504]

Thank you.

[@carolinesabin9600]

Thank you! I'm a theatre director and have employed many excellent female technicians etc over the years.

[@boredshrimp9425]

Thank you ! We need more men like you

[@benjerrysicescreammm4274]

@mortuusequusphobia they're synonamous

[@benjerrysicescreammm4274]

@mortuusequusphobia oh ok

[@wallflower8153]

The men in the audience: 👁️👄👁️

[@amycarroll7698]

Folding their arms.. you can tell they have a million barriers blocked in their minds hahaha I hope they did take even a small percent of this in though.. progress!

[@doccomeau2770]

@@amycarroll7698 if this is any patriarchy male privilege bs. Its not worth listening too. You women have laws tailored in your favors. You are the privileged ones. You have the same rights without the same responsibilities and have the law on the side. Unequal treatment under the law is the very definition of oppression.

[@jpandelross1865]

Yes

[@thebenjcrew]

Doc Comeau They don’t have “laws made for them” they just have laws that try to make them equal. And even then, the laws don’t work as much as they should. The equal rights amendment hasn’t been passed yet, and until then women won’t be the privileged ones. Also men don’t treat women as equals and because men are in charge, that also prevents women from being the privileged ones.

[@SuperKarinaG]

@@doccomeau2770 "you women"...sir you just proved her entire point. The laws were made because we are seen as unequal and therefore needed them where as you are born with these things handed to you.

[@paulademichele1313]

There is another sublevel with men I wish she would address since she must have lived it - men's emotional lives are suppressed from the age of 5 years old- a major reason they experience the "deer in the headlight" moments, why they suppress women expressing anger and why they avoid any kind of feeling level response and keep things under control in the head. Also why they run off with a secretary, have heart attacks, breakdowns and commit suicide in their 50's and 60's. The "man box" is real - and it's the emotional abuse of men by men. The male emotional suppression cycle is the price men pay for their privilege. The idea of not being on top of everything kills their egos - but being trapped in that idea kills them literally. This is male culture transmitted to young boys. And that is not changing.

[@terriem3922]

Totally agree . Male culture is way way way too destructive. I feel sorry for individual men.

[@HALOSnHORNS]

yes we need to cut the notion that in order to be a man you cannot cry or have an emotional response outside of screaming, shutting down and hitting something

[@ima.m.1658]

Yes, they hurt others and themselves with those traits and beliefs

[@theangelwearsprana1869]

Nailed it

[@ycAuntieLala]

But is the “male box” perpetuated by only men? No. The thing that is hard for people to admit is that the female box and male box are perpetuated by both smexes and genders. Until this is acknowledged it is always two steps forward one step back.

[@biglakejudy]

Do you notice, especially the guy in the front row with his arms crossed, that the men aren't applauding? Only the women for the most part.

[@nicholelarue2499]

@Sarah Fong , what? What part of this Ted Talk did you get abusive from?

[@MasinaTai86]

America is one of the worst for equity, it's the land of hypocrisy, ignorance and fear.

[@taleandclawrock2606]

@@nicholelarue2499 the assumption of privilege automatically derides and diminishes women.

[@AngelVocal]

@Sarah Fong Ah, yes.. you seem to be... delusional.

[@AngelVocal]

@@taleandclawrock2606 You're sounding like a rich kid right now, I hope you know that lol

[@SN-sz7kw]

Yes. Treat them like they know what they are talking about. And stop interrupting. Please. Speaking as a retired female veteran. 32 years of being interrupted by men with half my experience. And having to prove myself. Over & over & over again in a world where men with half my integrity & dedication were automatically assumed to be competent.

[@leohoang773]

did they try to offer some different options than what you were talking about ? I would imagine for being competent at your field, there's nothing left to discuss, you simply carry out the job or taking another direction, was it the reason those men were there for ? I heard the same story from engineers where newbies came in and discuss a new way of building a structure, to eventually decided on the old method, as it always goes, doesn't have anything to do with gender.

[@idafriedman1449]

Leo Hoang there you go, proving her point.

[@marysueechols2845]

​@@idafriedman1449 😂it's truly wild

[@turangaleela1982]

I genuinely think that if a man enters a room full of people, he is instantly granted a certain amount of respect, trust, and recognition that a woman rarely experiences. I am a woman, and I catch myself adhering to internalized sexism. It doesn’t make you a sexist to have those subconscious thoughts. We all have those thoughts. It’s about recognizing it and questioning why we feel those ways.

[@AKMGuitar]

stop overthinking, there are plenty of successful women who gets equal respect if not more than most of other men.

[@marvin2678]

Guess youre thinking wrong

[@marvin2678]

Espaciallly the one about Trust

[@marvin2678]

Pls answer md

[@paulryan9818]

Powerful men. Not the plebeians.

[@leah3801]

"Lost is a place too" is beautiful and would make a great book title

[@bananachip92]

Since Paula comes from a religious background, I'll add my two cents. Many religions teach that women should be deferential to men. HOWEVER, why should a woman listen to a man who himself doesn't know how to submit?? Paula said it well, that female traits need to be valued the same as male traits.

[@CrumbsDM]

I have found that I have been treated differently in church. It's even in the church unfortunately.

[@bananachip92]

@@CrumbsDM Sad but true...

[@CrumbsDM]

@@bananachip92 yes, I was 'too emotional' at certain injustices so therefore I was in the wrong. Sad because it alienates so many women or makes them downtrodden

[@bananachip92]

@Sarah Fong Off the top of my head, one trait that women get looked down on for is their sensitivity. Women are more in tune with their emotions and also express them more, which can be seen as a weakness. They are also more sensitive to the feelings of others, which means they are able to gauge the emotional state of another person faster and therefore tend to the needs of others better. Again, this can be seen as a weakness. I believe however that when used well, this sort of "soft skill" can be used to great effect in the corporate environment. People like each other more and are more willing to work with each other when they can understand each other from an emotional standpoint.

[@p.t.9171]

Sarah Fong It’s not misogynistic. Women are more in tune with there emotions.

[@poisonmist13]

My moms forced into traditional gender roles by my dad. He works, mom manages the household, the laundry, the meals, the cleaning, ext. She basically became my dad new mom. I refuse to play that role. I’m happy being single.

[@wmacy]

You don't need to be single. I used to think that too. But there are men out there, like mine, that share household chores and respect their wives as equals. If I feel like I am doing more than 50% of household work, I let him know and he changes. You do not need to marry your father.

[@wololo696969]

@@wmacy Who earns more, you or him?

[@buttlicius2026]

@@wololo696969 doesnt matter if they contribute equally to the payments and other money related things in the household

[@eeaotly]

@@wmacy Yeah, but it's a problem when you find a fine and egalitarian boyfriend/fiancee but you discover that his parents are NOT sharing his views. Add to that the fact that you're both young and kind of broke and you can't afford not to live with his parents. And therefore you cannot afford to live your life according to your views. AND your boyfriend/fiance doesn't have the guts to confront his parents on this issue, because he was always a good child, tolerating everything and preferring peace over sincerity.

[@jovaniolivares9460]

Was she forced into birthing you too? What is ur solution? Sounds like a fair arrangement

[@tnvpm]

I noticed there wasn't a lot of applause from men in the audience.

[@andreaandrea6716]

I also noticed that! No one likes to have themselves exposed! Super UNcomfortable.

[@grimes6357]

After a while you sorta get tired of hearing about how easy your life is. And it's hard to determine whether some of her examples of systemic sexism, such as the wage gap, are true or just propaganda. I for my part am wary of that type of narrative.

[@andreaandrea6716]

@@grimes6357 EVERYONE has problems, that's the nature of life. And no one is saying that YOUR life is easy or devoid of problems. But please don't shut down and close the door when people are telling you that they are suffering indignities that you don't see or notice or experience. It does not mean that they are not happening. Just ask any women friends you have about THEIR experiences ... and LISTEN. Use THIS talk to open the door to a conversation. THAT is all that I, a woman, am asking ANY man to do. Not just for me, personally, but for your sisters, daughters, mother, grandmother and partners... I promise you, we are not making this up.

[@grimes6357]

@@andreaandrea6716 Because people are not always objective I'm generally slow to trust second hand information or harbor a second hand opinion based on personal testimonials or anecdotes from others. I usually need a person to point to something outside of themselves (such as a study or some form of evidence) to corroborate what their saying, unless I trust their judgment. I acknowledge the possibility that there are things happening outside of my awareness, and I don't mind listening to someone so long as they're also listening or willing to field questions. It puts you at a disadvantage to listen to someone who's not doing the same. And people have the burden to prove or support what they assert if they want to convince anyone else. My thinking is this. It seems to me that there's an opinion, deeply ingrained in our culture, that women encounter sexism and lead lives that generally come with a greater set of problems than a mans. It's what I call a socially sanctioned opinion, meaning that it seems to be accepted implicitly. When proffered out in society it encounters little friction from others, few doubts or questions. People who hear it often just go of course. That means that it generally doesn't need to withstand any critical analysis or scrutiny, which then means that it doesn't need to have any veracity to be accepted, it doesn't need to be true. It seems like no valid proof is given or demanded. So I don't know what's going on behind the scenes. Is there this much sexism out there or is this an example of confirmation bias running amok? Is there an over-attribution of things to sexist intent? For example, when she shared her story of being fired shortly after transitioning, it was implied that this happened because she was a woman while ignoring other potential causes such as the fact that she was then trans. She may also have been telling us half the story as people often leave out the bits that don't reflect well on them. Why was the cause of the firings immediately attributed to sexism? She said women ask for raises every bit as much as men do, they just don't get them. How would she know this? Personality studies have found that women are higher in the personality trait of agreeableness than men, which would suggest that they are actually less likely to request a raise or negotiate their salary. Why isn't this possibility so often not at least entertained, especially when it makes sense? It could be in part because people can find simple, prepackaged explanations attractive. A catch-all explanation that one can apply to a wide assortment of cases spares one from having to think on a case by case basis. People may also find singular causes more palatable than complex, multivariate causes for things. It makes thinking easier. Is there an overemphasis on the plight and problems of women? It seems that way sometimes. I think that when women present a uniquely female problem, there's often a countervailing problem faced by men on the other side that's easier to sweep under the rug. For example, Paula expressed how as a man she would be allowed to express anger in the boardroom, but not as a women. Yes, it is more socially acceptable for a man to express anger, but it's also more socially acceptable for a women to express sadness. This may be part of the reason that men are less likely to draw on social support during difficult times and to bare problems alone. Not that I want the freedom to cry in public or anything. I am willing to listen. I've just found a lot to question in what I hear.

[@tnvpm]

@@grimes6357 I'm sorry, I only read part of that. Because, damn. Of the part I read, let me tell you what I heard. "Yeah, yeah. Same old, same old. "

[@sannalo11]

"Until female traits are respected as much as male traits, we're never going to get anywhere near gender equity." It took me a long time to understand that empathy, compassion, compromise, listening, sacrifice, cheerleading, and not needing a parade for every accomplishment were not only excellent skills, but the foundation of civilization. Those men on the yacht not only have the privilege of being white men, but of having many women in their lives give their skills for free. Maybe women don't need to wait for men to give them a chance. Maybe we need to give those skills in fair trade only.

[@tellmemoreliesmyfriend237]

They "gave their skills away" in exchange for a particular lifestyle. Do you not see that trade happening?

[@anio1349]

This reeks of "blame the victim" mentality

[@tellmemoreliesmyfriend237]

@@melissaja1977 No woman other than my mother did anything for me. I was a wife myself until the death of my husband. We willingly go into that lifestyle. We make that choice. Don't get all uppity because you found that the lifestyle didn't suit you.

[@celianunn2070]

@@tellmemoreliesmyfriend237 "we choose that lifestyle" like young girls aren't taught from birth "how to be a good wife" 🙄 Sorru but even though that lifestyle isn't for everyone, believing that it isn't being shoved down our throats us just obtuse. Or are you really that brainwashed?9

[@jacobus57]

What of SINGLE women? We don't trade jack for anything, and in my two marriages I contended with weak men who expected some kind of mommy rather than a full human being. They demanded "support," whatever the f that is, while offering absolutely none to me, the person working the far more demanding, higher paid jobs 🙄

[@HelenFolsom]

"Lost is a place, too." Love that.

[@danielhambling1219]

And is this man pretending to be a woman is lost all right. And he's there......in make up.

[@olbdj9239]

"It's never too late to do the right thing... We are all on a journey into the unknown" Elsa and Anna are taking notes

[@Moonlitwatersofaqua]

As a woman I would not want to let go of my position of power in the name of social justice. I see why this is a hard message for people to accept. deference is a hard trait.

[@rsrt6910]

That's because power and respect are mostly EARNED in the US. People who've sacrificed and busted their backs to get what little power and respect they have are always going to ask the people who demand it out of whatever twist of moral justification "Why? What have they done to EARN it?" (By the way, existing, eg: your race and gender etc., does NOT constitute "doing" something.)

[@virtual-viking]

I'm sure you made a lot of sacrifices to get your position, because that's generally the case with any position of power. The idea that they should given out like candy on Halloween, to someone who majored in gender studies, is something that only makes sense to someone who majored in well... gender studies.

[@virtual-viking]

@@g.i.r.l. My post was in response to Holly Snow.

[@edwardfala7723]

@@g.i.r.l. This is based on what? I just see a lot of your opinion and generalities.

[@edwardfala7723]

@@g.i.r.l. You said that women did much more to earn their place and would be much more successful. That has nothing to do with the percieved sexism. Where I work every single top position was specifically handed to a women. Some are very talented some are not. You are speaking in generalities and from a standpoint of emotion, not substantiated data. Also, I don't take the words of people that speak in multiple platitudes and debunked theory. Lastly, the only privilege she grew up with was wealth and influebece. Pat McEnroe was asked if his children would grow up to be successful tennis players and he said no, they suffer from affluenza. As with most everything, follow the money.

[@lifecloud2]

I loved this line, "... assume a woman knows what she's talking about and treat her accordingly." Whew! It sounds so simple but it would make a HUGE difference! When I was working, at EVERY SINGLE performance appraisal I received I would answer "I'd like to be treated as an equal member of the team, with respect and appreciation for what I contribute," to the question at the end about what I wanted to add. I said this so often that I just started copying and pasting it into the form. I was there eleven years. With each appraisal, my boss would say, "We're already doing this." As if he was. And if he was, I wouldn't have continued to ask. When I retired, they gave me an engraved vase that said something like, "With gratitude for your years of service, yada-yada." When I accepted my vase, I said, "This is all I ever really wanted."

[@chrisodebeek787]

As a woman, you are not taken seriously, till the facts confirm your vision. And then, you still don't get the credit you deserve.

[@c.l.1960]

@@chrisodebeek787 YES. THIS. Exactly this. Someone always has to check up on what has been said by a women to verify it is, in fact, accurate. It's extremely frustrating.

[@chrisodebeek787]

@@c.l.1960 Thank you. Life and the world would be so much better if we all be regarded as human beings trying our best on this earth regardless your origins or gender or appearance. But would require that some of us accept to let privileges go.

[@0abo713]

Explain to me why 80% if suicides are men .. 90% of the homeless are men .. 99% of mental problems reported are from men .. and still this women claim that being a man is "easier" .. ofc men are gonna be the richest because they have to . Because if they didn't become successful.. their invisible, Hated on and scared from.. so stop believing the rich and start asking the people that actually have a touch with reality.

[@NomadUrpagi]

well then "assume a man wishes good for you and is not going to harm you". why dont you do it? we distrust women because they want to be believed just because they are women not because of their expertise.

[@mdwilliams4697]

Proud of my sister and her work. Her transparency are a model many of us need.

[@katiearbuckle9017]

Most of her stories about her past impress me, but even now she impresses me more.

[@koriw1701]

I am so happy that you appreciate all of Paula's charm and beauty, and that you honor her for her giving us this desperately needed perspective. I am astounded that she has been brave enough, strong enough and bold enough to share it with the world. You are both very lucky people to have each other! Bless you both, and PLEASE thank her for all of us who fight for our own freedoms in this male-dominated society.

[@pinkcatminht]

@Sarah Fong Paula is a woman.

[@marloesk9753]

I was going to say does she know though but than I des covered your telling her know, so she probably does. Thank you for saying it here to.

[@RoseOriginals]

She really gets it now! Please thank her for me, and stress to her how important it is that she shares her message.

[@erinbathie-moore8478]

All of the applause was from the women. I couldn’t see a single man clapping...

[@erinbathie-moore8478]

Fsabe z Fair enough

[@Eli-pm1pi]

Then put your glasses on, I didn't really see a difference, especially since it were always close-ups and not many people clapping in between anyway. The message of Paula was beautiful and delivered without anger, please don't take this to bash on men. Rather support the good message.

[@DrJones0801]

Did you just assume their gender?

[@NAConen]

E Wen Did you just fault her for getting emotional? 🤣 Wow you learned nothing.

[@yaniragarcia8329]

Fsabe z I understand your point. No one fighting for gender equality wants women to be handed anything. We just want women to be considered as equal to men. The problem is if a man and woman have equal achievements, equal skills, and equal experience it is still much more likely that an employer will hire a man. I don’t know why when speaking about gender equality people always assume the issue is hiring women no matter their qualifications. That’s not the point. We just want women to be equally considered based on their work and efforts and not under appreciated as they have been in the past.

[@MMDAMV]

Notice that the comments of dissent are from the very people Paula is speaking to

[@DaBoomz13]

You are allowed to have different opinions.

[@MMDAMV]

@Jesse Schwartz It's a message they need to hear. What will be the true sign of their morals is what they do with the information going forward.

[@overgrownkudzu]

@@ellencampbell3921 SHE is right and you not listening makes you part of the problem.

[@ellencampbell3921]

Émile Imagine that was your dad! Creepy af.

[@slevans100]

Yeah, I'm sure 99% of men can totally relate to a trans-woman whom was a the offspring of rich parents and likely a multi-millionaire CEO who can take vacations on a yacht. Or did someone forget to send me my free college, academic preferential treatment, yacht license, and million dollar gift basket?

[@valnisiamangueira3483]

what a cold, cold, cold male audience...

[@Urrelles]

She just used class priviledge and made it into male priviledge, then wanted men to give up power. You never ask people to give up power. You ask them for helping achieving the same kind of power. She basically disregarded the multitude of famous women who started poor and became huge business owners, and disrespected most of the men who made the same achievements. She was born in wealth. It had nothing to do with his genitals. She lost wealth because she lost respect from her peers who saw her transition as a sign of confusion and weakness. If she were a woman from the start (like Ivanka Trump) she would still be on those private boat cruises with CEOs livin it up and managing giant firms.

[@rsrt6910]

The men weren't the problem. All the statistics I've seen boil down to women don't like taking directions from other women (2/3's). So there's nothing that needs "fixing" with the men so they were probably bored and insulted, but polite enough not to outright boo or leave.

[@Brianbeesandbikes]

@@Urrelles well said and, in terms of reducing elitism, one gets together with other ppl to organize to take away by legal force the advantages of the trumps and christian ceos ...

[@lexih7653]

They're being berated. Thats why.

[@xblindedbythelightx]

Rs Rt youre part of the problem

[@dinofrog926]

If she was fired from her jobs because of her gender wouldn’t that be illegal?

[@sharonmccann4483]

not if the organization is religious. also still legal in some states.....

[@neuroseptember1020]

It should be. There’s a case the supreme court is going to rule on soon

[@foxbox2879]

In %95+ of cases, yep. There are a few weird areas in law with this, but it's blown out of proportions.

[@Danielle_1234]

It is very hard to win a case like this when in most states you can legally be fired for no given reason.

[@rsrt6910]

Yes. It's been illegal for the last three generations. Federal equal opportunity act of 1963.

[@skwervin1]

In my industry I have often been the only female in the room, on the shop floor, at the table and was still juggling being a mother and wife. It isn't easy and boy do I know the whole brush off thing. But maybe because I am ASD I tend to but in and MAKE myself heard. I know it sometimes didn't make me any friends but when the points I raised, and the improvements and changes I forced through, came home to roost, THEN they really appreciated that In see things in a different way. One writer said "Men think in straight lines, women think in circles" meaning we often approach things from very different angles. When it comes to safety and strategic management and damage control you really want a woman on your team and for God's sake listen to her.

[@83N02]

Imagine saying that last paragraph but replacing feminine with masculine.

[@AvaNightingale]

@@83N02 lol as if that's not status quo

[@83N02]

@@AvaNightingale What I'm trying to portray is that saying that would be regarded as sexist.

[@Theroha]

Men, women, and everyone in between. May I present exhibit A: Ben.

[@skwervin1]

25 plus years of working my way up sunshine. I have brought up items in meetings and been ignored yet when my male offsider brought up the same thing using the same words he was listened to and congratulated. And the deafening silence when he then said..."I was just repeating what Wendy said"

[@jdee4956]

As a woman in business, lots of men have not taken me seriously. I find it gives me a great edge! They find out I have outmanoeuvred them when it is too late. Paula is a wonderful woman!

[@janinafisher101]

That makes me think of the Danish series "Borgen" about a woman who becomes the Prime Minister of Denmark. Worth watching.

[@VarunK-ii8eb]

Leave Men alone. Why should they treat you seriously?

[@raeperonneau4941]

❤️ Thank you! What an amazing opportunity to see things from both sides. I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you’re willing to share your experience!

[@oonagoodman8811]

NOTICE HOW MANY MEN ARE SITTING WITH ARMS CROSSED IN THE DEFENSIVE POSITION!

[@dantemancini911]

Ask yourself why...

[@juliancoenen4917]

Calm down

[@kiim0]

wow, even when we show up to try and listen to understand, it still "bash a man" time huh

[@00alda00]

@@juliancoenen4917 you calm down. She just described the situation.

[@randomairbreathingman8927]

@@00alda00 with all caps and "!", so calm down is pretty accureate, also, it doesnt seem like they need to calm down.

[@daaayum_gena]

She should read audiobooks - her voice and cadence are so soothing.

[@alexc2421]

@Alpha Centauri Her voice is definitely different, and not the typical 'soothing' voice for many people, but entirely honestly I love the sound of it and find it somewhat musical, and soft. If you aren't a fan there is no need to be rude.

[@nicholelarue2499]

I usually can't stand female voices for audiobooks. I will have to agree that her voice is very soothing. I would be very interested in listening to an audio by her. :)

[@pencilfriendpaperscribbler6032]

While I agree that her speaking style is well-honed and accomplished, I don’t find it at all relaxing to listen to someone who is constricting their vocal chords so significantly. This is how we instinctively identify nervousness. I'm not suggesting that she is nervous, I'm saying that the effect of nervousness is created by artificially constricting the vocal chords, and the style does not override it. It would be far more relaxing to listen to her speaking in a more natural register. I found myself feeling tense the entire time even though I am a woman and am entirely in agreement with her material, and it is certainly not because I am unaccustomed to trans people. The effect is instinctive as it is caused by affective empathy.

[@padijeff5675]

Society is run by men!☺️😼🦁

[@coolfred9083]

@Alpha Centauri Lol *you* must be joking! How can you not understand that people have different opinions to you.

[@amazonia20]

Some times seeing how some men simply have zero desire to listen or change makes you wonder what would happen if men woke up to find themselves without women. Just a planet full of men, sometimes I think it's only something this extreme that would cause some guys to pay attention. Way to happy life is like minded ppl. The men who don't want to hear, personally I leave them to one side and focus on the guys that do, they are the ones who will pass it on. As for the rest well that's why humans don't live forever so society can evolve.

[@Kabullo76]

I am convinced that the men that you do not consider good and that you put aside are grateful to you for this😂

[@JuliaMeer]

@@Kabullo76 did you feel better after this comment?

[@ayeishaj9281]

You made great points actually. So true

[@freedomworks3976]

That womenless state exists. Prison.

[@erindeerhart5538]

@@freedomworks3976 Please don't tell me you think women's prisons are full of lovely ladies braiding each others' hair and making friendship bracelets?

[@s.carolinehey6672]

OMG - Thank you Paula! - I been a Senior in the company I work for, from the day they hired me. For the senior position they needed to be filled. I was the best candidate out there. They never hired a senior from the get-go before... That is 5 years ago. Every annual review I asked for a pay-rise, and was rejected. They didn't even match the annual inflation rate. Zero. Last years, being with them for 4,5 years, having trained 10+ junior into mid-level and senior roles, having build them a breath taking portfolio on clients... I received a 66 Cent (!!!) pay-rise per hour. Yes, NOT a typo ... 66 C.E.N.T. per hour. - Insulting... but for legal reasons, being a foreigner, I can't leave just yet. I am bound to live with the insult everyday until I have completed my 6 year mark.

[@katrand5357]

and they know you have to live with the insult

[@norikootsuki4661]

BTW: this is my wife’s account. Paula, thanks so much for your input and depth of perception. No surprise here, the vast majority of the audience who applauded is female.

[@luckydragon9779]

For those of you who are saying "Look at all those men who aren't clapping... this speech is clearly upsetting them" just remember, not everyone shows their emotions outwardly. DO NOT MISTAKE a person crossing their arms or staying silent as someone who is not listening or agreeing.

[@scoreunder]

At these events, people usually clap every time, even if it's just out of a sense of politeness. Compare this to other TEDx talks that don't touch such a sensitive topic and you'll see what I mean. There are definitely a lot of men in that crowd feeling personally attacked and defensive. This is a well-known problem. You *cannot* just straight-up tell someone that their group is privileged, because their first response is *always* some variant of "I'm one of the good ones" or "we're not all like that" and they take it as a slight against their own character instead of as an invitation to help solve a wider societal problem.

[@barrylowther3652]

Yes men do start from near the line, the front line where 800,000 were killed and wounded in the first world . None of the suffragettes who were fighting for equal rights fought for women,s right to be conscripted.

[@lindajackson5839]

@@barrylowther3652 We didn't even have the right to vote back then ,never mind joining the bloody army,,

[@bryancull7010]

@@scoreunder The issue of cognitive dissonance and bias has the interesting affect of people doubling down or the backfire syndrome when they feel attacked. Hopefully with time and reflection these ideas can be evaluated without taking them personally and be seen worthy of consideration.

[@BlueHazyDreams]

@@barrylowther3652 That you think conscription is a right at all... I don't think anyone should be forced to fight for a country, especially one they don't believe in.

[@HeritageDrPepper]

All the women in the crowd clap and cheer and, at the end, stand up while all the men stay silent and seated.

[@autreelodia3456]

"Lost is a place, too. And sometimes you just have to spent some time in a place called 'lost' "(c)

[@paperbackmoth]

She has such a calming voice and a lovely way of talking. I hope to see more of her Ted talks!

[@da9231]

Why did you say "she"? That is a man.

[@AuntoraB]

@@da9231 and he doesn't even sound like a woman.

[@brightestfuture]

That is a man, that feels he is a woman. I will not play make believe with adults that are missing a chromosome.

[@crisunderwood8110]

thats a trans woman, yall are making such fools of yourselves, go touch grass and read a book

[@amyh3873]

@@da9231 some people need to police the thoughts of others with their ideology. What's your excuse?

[@janetttyminski7295]

The male gender has always been more highly valued & respected. If you remember your years in elementary school, how often was the class president a boy vs girl? While in college, it was obvious to me that classmates paid more attention when a male made a comment than when a female did.

[@jeffthomas5291]

As it should be!

[@MissionNeetPgMarch]

2.2k dislikers are triggered insecure men

[@pragyasingh5880]

This comment deserves more likes 😂

[@charliewesterfield5262]

The comments on this video sadden me greatly

[@24get24give]

really? they're just about exactly what I'd expect

[@TheKrispyfort]

Why?

[@denisemcdougal6445]

Why

[@williamwells434]

"unless you also transition genders..." *looks around suggestively* that was actual gold

[@lurklingX]

just want to say, thank you for being a calm, rational, and non-attacking voice for trans ppl. there's so much toxicity spewing out everywhere even at people who mean zero harm and are even allies. also, very engaging ted talk.

[@transgreaser]

I so want to do a duet with her! I transitioned at 50, and I will never be able to unlearn my feminization. 💓💓💗💓💔💔

[@katrand5357]

Are you in a well-populated area? Maybe you could set up a Meetup Group.

[@JustSomeKittenwithaGun]

You look like a guy

[@berf9445]

Any advice for someone transitioning later in life(34, transman)?

[@Anna-sn2jb]

"Until female traits are respected as much as male traits, we're never going to get anywhere near gender equity." Exactly, but this means so much more than simply "more leadership opportunities for women". It means in many cases entirely different leadership structures, and ensuring that girls are taught how to be self-confident, bold, direct and assertive (and for assertive girls and women to not be labelled "bossy"). As a woman, I don't even want a leadership role, because I do not have the self confidence to assume I have the right to tell anyone what to do, least of all middle aged men. I don't want the demands and pressure leaderships brings, but is that because I, personally, am not capable; or because all I've ever seen and known growing up is that men are more competent, and women need to be kind, caring and deferential towards men? It's not simply that women don't "try hard enough", or "have the balls for leadership", it's the macho idea that one NEEDS balls to be a leader. It shouldn't be an old boys club, but the atmosphere in many board / management meetings is so often filled with masculine traits. Confidence that verges on arrogance is championed, standing your ground regardless of being right or wrong is championed, having the last word...

[@leohoang773]

to add to the last part, man consider each other "expendable". It's just the question of who's going to take the fault if it all ever comes to it, or who have the ball for a business venture that's going to make millions ? So to assess this whole situation from gender norm wouldn't be adequate. Men are just willing to make sacrifice for their success whilst woman are more calculated of their losses. So men are already built for it, it's not important whether he is masculine but if he's ready to make the sacrifice (often, upon himself) to take risk and bring back success. And so would this be a fair question to bring up when it comes to woman leadership, should we force the "yes" answer onto these woman so that they highlighted as the captain when the ship goes down ? Cause that's certainly going to happen

[@Anna-sn2jb]

@@leohoang773 yes, men are already built for this because men built the world the way it is. Being a stay-at-home mum is not a job, it's not seen as work. Traditionally, women were expected to look after the kids, keep the house clean and tidy, make the meals for the family - and this also isn't valued. We don't get paid for this. So capitalism literally values male traits, and not female ones - but that's no surprise since men invented capitalism.

[@manyaperkins1939]

"Lost is a place, too." Whoa. Who else needed to hear that right now?

[@xopi2521]

It was if your world has been turned upside down. One day you’ll find out.

[@gracec1665]

Wow...I admire your courage to talk about this subject. I have always wondered if men actually know and act on being at the top of the chain...and it's a yes. You can't be happy in a world where you are knowingly act as if everyone else is beneath you. Lack of self awareness, compassion, and total selfishness. Just treat others as they would want to be treated. It's that simple. Ask.

[@zvipatent]

To disagree with her takes courage. The seals are continuously clapping. For the record, I agreed with some things she said ... but disagreed with others.

[@charchar4276]

@@zvipatent what things did you disagree with?

[@TaylorMaurandbhangra]

"Until female traits are respected as much as male traits..." - No. Not until we stop assuming that certain personality traits are exclusively "male" or "female." Those are social constructs that we've invented and that we still cling to, even though they often have nothing to do with being male or female (i.e. aggressiveness, creativity, curiosity, nurturing behaviors, etc.). I once adopted a kitten from someone who had found a litter from a stray cat in her garage. The kitten I fell in love with was bold, communicative, and adventurous. Because of these traits, the woman had incorrectly sexed this kitten as "male," and when they are little, it's kinda hard to tell. So I thought I was adopting a male kitty. But soon after bringing this kitten home, I realized she was, in fact, a girl kitty. A girl kitty with traits that this person had assumed were "male," and so did not investigate further, when in fact, those traits are available to anyone, and it didn't matter what "kitty bits" she had, she was just being herself. We need to stop gendering personality traits altogether. And that's really hard work, because it's so ingrained that most of us in Western culture have been taught that those categories are fixed and immutable and "true." But we have made them up and used them to sort people and to decide who they are, rather than to actually SEE them for who they are... ...and to sometimes make hiring/pay/relationship decisions based on what we think rather than reality

[@enamored1]

You’re right, but until people stop separating traits by gender in society, she is right.

[@garybrindle6715]

Agree totally , putting people in stereotyped boxes is a waste of time, judge people by how they behave, work and play.

[@turnleftaticeland]

Yeah. All men have “female” traits and all women have “male” traits, they’re just taught to suppress them. Women get called “emotional” compared to men but… is anger not also an emotion? Once everybody learns they are allowed to express the full range of human emotions, things will be better. But only then.

[@Godkiller08]

Men and women tend to have different traits and that is what made society, not the other way around.

[@oliviawutam]

The men looked like ' get me out of here'

[@CrumbsDM]

Will do them good to listen. After all guys are so good at listening 😁

[@Pantominas497]

They are BETA MALES not to have walked away.

[@safir2241]

@@Pantominas497 lalalalala me no like unholy facts i'm an alpha lalalalala

[@EstebanW-zu8xb]

@@Pantominas497 ah so your one of those neckbeards from Reddit ain't ya?

[@Pantominas497]

@@EstebanW-zu8xb no look at photo I am just a real man

[@Mimijona]

About the anger expression - sadly even in a predominately female workplace it's the same with the silence and then calling emotional. Even witnessed an NGO firing a former volunteer who became an employee, who raised valid points for the org, but fired just because of emotions by women. Granted, the president was a man, but even with the rest being women, eh, didn't help at all.

[@karenschneiderdavis3658]

"sitting on the couch binge-watching somebody else's journey" is exactly what I'm doing right now..... but it's alright I'm gaining amo for more fights against sexism and I really appreciate her humor and brevity she brings to this conversation

[@sallieschuetz1796]

I can only say WOW she is sooo right…..and I have been waiting for SOMEONE to say these words to the world!

[@norikootsuki4661]

This lady hits the nail on the head every time. People might think this is easy for her to say because she has seen both sides of the story. Thank you for your great insight Paula!!

[@Queer_Nerd_For_Human_Justice]

I'm trans and it's true, a lot of us have special cultural insight given to us by our situation.... When I started transitioning, it was like taking off the rose-colored glasses. The entire world changed.

[@spaceman081447]

I am a guy who has always believed in gender equity. However, if a woman is "furious" at me about something, and I have no clue as to what she is furious about, I am NOT going to "cop a plea," so to speak, and meekly agree with her. I wouldn't do that with a man, so why would I do that with a woman?

[@carolrose]

I'm a woman and I absolutely agree with you

[@spaceman081447]

@@carolrose RE: "I'm a woman and I absolutely agree with you." Well, naturally - since we both believe in logic and rationality rather than "political correctness."

[@hakunametata4941]

I am a first generation immigrant to the United States. My parents worked hard to give me opportunities that they did not have. I am privileged to give my children more opportunities than I had because of my hard work. I hope my children will perpetuate the hard work that proceeded them so that their children can share in their privilege.

[@xxBreakxxAwayxx3]

statistics show that families pass on 2/3 of generational wealth/privilege. So your kids will probably have 66% better odds, because of your efforts.

[@valeriefaabergpitel7356]

Well, I was an excellently qualified individual in my field who was constantly passed over for Management positions by men for 25 years and only attained them by leaving those companies and seeking and obtaining Management positions at other companies which negatively impacted my career history by making me appear to be unstable. Men will always stick together. It will never change.

[@marvin2678]

Youre Just bitter

[@marjorie989]

What a charming and endearing speaker. As a woman I learned alot and I thank you for your wisdom, insight and sharing, I look forward to the day when men are sharing in the way you mentioned creating truly equal opportunities for all💜

[@dj4745]

As a simple retail female I learned I had an annual review/raise AND the boss had the ability to give merit raises. I'd push and get the best raise possible on annual review and then six months later I'd push for the merit raise. It didn't always work but I was a good employee and the boss always felt guilty if he couldn't give me what I asked for this time around.

[@nofybn7794]

Sure, he felt guilty.

[@spiceyfrenchtoast9421]

@@nofybn7794 what does his gender have to do with anything, should his birth gender mean he automatically is a bad actor.

[@gumbilicious1]

I was supposed to have reviews, but they just pencil whipped them because I was on the road 200+ days a year. I didn’t get raises, so I had to quit and in a couple months they hired me back. They never felt bad about not giving me more money, I had to leverage my talent and skill to get more money and it was always well under what I was worth I had to quit and change professions to get a stable personal schedule and more money. It took a few months and much of my savings. I don’t expect anyone to look out for me, if I want improvement then I am in charge of that. I recommend it to anyone

[@coolkid9901]

@@gumbilicious1 Good thinking. The business world is ruthless and there's only two ways to avoid it. Switch to a different market, or become the owner of a business. Basically go somewhere else, or go the top.

[@mackingcheeseinthemichaelwave]

I am a trans man, the last time I was mistaken for a woman was over a year ago. What I noticed was how much people don't care about men's emotions, I always felt a pressure to keep my emotions away because I even then had that "boys don't cry" voice in my head, but it got much more intense after passing consistently. You really do have to put on this mask when you are depressed/anxious, and in relationships with women it's more socially acceptable to be focused on her emotional wellbeing rather than mine. I would say that the most closure you will get is with male best friends, and even then, there is a limit to what you can talk about to each other most of the time, because it's just weird. We really are alone.

[@googlereviewer5307]

This is because of misogyny.

[@iamthepocketironpocket1889]

Please somebody (male) listen to her. She has lived with so many different perspectives in her life.

[@Kabullo76]

HE

[@andreaandrea6716]

Paula Stone Williams, I am so grateful to you for this talk. I don't know if you have kept in touch with the comments... !! But this talk has poked so many people where they are NOT COMFORTABLE! It is very very interesting. Thank you!!!!

[@AnnaAngeli2]

What an amazing TedTalk! I resonated with so many of the things she talked about. I wish I could thank her personally for her talk

[@lowzibojine]

I was only just publicly trans (pretreatment and medical transition, I identified as neither female or male) when I was a line cook. I was paid more than my male counterparts because I was better at the job and more qualified. One of them found out and kicked a fuss because "they're a girl" I wasn't a girl. I was non-binary. (At least he respected my pronouns xD) But anyway I got a pay rise too just in secret because I still deserved the higher rate over the *junior* line cook. Because I was a fully trained line cook, I could *run the kitchen independently* and was the *boss* of my section. I'm now fully out of the closet as a trans man. My head chef knew I was definitely a trans dude, even though I wasn't ready to publicly identify as such! he treated me like all the other lads, I got the same respect as the other boys. But I have to stress... I was lucky! Most women or female presenting or just *not* male people aren't lucky. More often than not you're overlooked and ignored because you're not a man. There is a lot of injustice towards women. It sucks. Just look at America.

[@Reids0me]

As a young man, this is a tough pill to swallow. But I hope that if the time comes up, if I am ever an executive, that I'll remember that in order for women to have a more equitable presence in the workforce a man will have to give up their spot. Something cannot come from nothing, more women in leadership positions means less men in leadership positions.

[@al_pal_]

She's absolutely right. The only way to truly understand what people are going through is to live it yourself. If all men and women could switch places for a week, the gender equality gap would close immediately.

[@marshamiddleton5910]

Loved this. Important message. Plus she’s entertaining. Would love to hear more from her.

[@aimster2084]

Does anyone REALLY think men are willing to give up one iota of anything to pass it along to a woman? I think it's almost funny how we appeal to men because they might have wives, daughters, mother, sisters.... they think of these women the exact same way. They're not giving up squat. And YES I know that not all men are like this, but most of them absolutely are like this.

[@paulgilbert2506]

Do you think men give up anything and pass it along to other men? OF COURSE NOT! Men who get into positions of power usually have to claw their way there... usually over other men. And you know what... women who are able to play that game dont give up their hard earned gains either. Not to men, not to other women. What world are you living in princess?

[@steenroefs3003]

I don't get why people are disliking this...

[@yaacovba]

Because she is misleading, in today's world the smart people who've got it move ahead. Yes there are companies that want diversity (mediocrity) but they generally don't make it in the long run. Of course that is not the case in the Universities where mediocrity shines.

[@alexhuk7353]

Equity and equality are two very different things.

[@Mububban23]

I've worked in all sorts of workplaces in my life - labouring and yard work in all male environments, bars and cafes with 50/50 male/female staffing and management, business environments with male bosses, one with a male boss and female 2IC, and now a very female-led environment where all bar one of the leadership roles are held by women, and staff mix is maybe 60/40 female/male. in my personal experience, female bosses by far create a better environment. They tend to be more caring and supportive and understanding when life gets in the way. More understanding and supportive when you have kids. They're more likely to ask you "How are you?" and actually genuinely care about the response. And because you feel valued, you tend to be more loyal and do that little bit extra when required, rather than just clocking off asap, which probably explains the boost in productivity and profitability. Everyone's experiences can vary of course, and of course there'd be terrible female bosses out there, but in my own experience, female-led workplaces are simply nicer places to spend your 8+ hours a day. I wouldn't change my current workplace for the world.

[@kirsten85409]

My fiancé (a man) won't even work for a male boss anymore. He prefers a female boss because he has had so many negative experiences with male bosses who aren't sympathetic when they've overburdened their employees or when he has gotten sick, resorting to rage when things don't go as they expected. According to him, the female bosses he has had have been more caring, sympathetic, understanding and generous, often creating rewards for simply being a part of the team and showing up with a good attitude. He would have anxiety attacks when his male bosses berated him, which went away when he started working for a woman who was kind, thoughtful and caring towards her employees.

[@Hadezul2]

This response kinda proves that sexism isn't an issue with the lower paid jobs. CEOs are a different matter.

[@llm8268]

Agree, more often the female manager takes a much more collaborative and supportive approach. I’ve seen good male managers but also I have seen some male management go into hormonal rages. Sad but true. Not once did I ever see that level of bad behavior from female management. The female is exceptionally suited for leadership if we want a collaborative, supportive, egalitarian and thriving society. For now it’s war, greed and power. Pretty sad.

[@userdoesnotexist424]

women are more interested in people, on average have higher empathy, probably wired for childcare in the first year, since women do most of the care then. doesnt mean all women are like that though

[@kaz9242]

In other words women are high in agreeableness and men are high in disagreeableness and there is nothing wrong with it. In some industries, you have to to be a disagreeable hard core person to be somewhat successful like politics. Softness is weakness

[@peterschmidt4978]

What she's saying is right, but she's only referring to the positive aspects of being a male, not the negative, like homelessness, suicides or dating. She's also not mentioning the positive aspects of being a female. The simple fact she's standing up there and saying: "There are things you don't get" is impossible for a men to say. No problem since she's a women now.

[@bemeeklezvelveeta6719]

I feel very heard by her

[@annarhianne1543]

@S C What do you have against women being heard?

[@bemeeklezvelveeta6719]

@S C I think you should do some journaling yourself friend.

[@bemeeklezvelveeta6719]

@keith cunningham ok.

[@annarhianne1543]

@keith cunningham ok.

[@deleenc5203]

Feel...OMG.

[@sarahbella3350]

Thank you so much Ms. Paula for this. You are empowering to men and women

[@mariadegan1029]

I love the way Paula speaks, with truth and much humor, thank you 🙏

[@nprvictim2951]

Privileged isn't bad. It means you're in a good place to help others. And even if you don't it doesn't make you a bad person. I'm here to tell you there is no shame in privilege.

[@ImNotaRussianBot]

Share that privilege. You had a huge boost up, now extend a hand and boost someone else up.

[@janinafisher101]

There's shame in if it you abuse it, and don't use it to benefit your fellow human beings.

[@annapolak8707]

The hardest thing to do is most often the right thing to do.

[@bananachip92]

That's why most people don't do the right thing =(

[@calimorales9880]

I thnk its the other way around. Hard ≠ Good, but the good thing can often be very hard.

[@TheKrispyfort]

Do the right thing, not the easy thing

[@doricetimko332]

True dat

[@staceylynn7749]

Paula, thank you for the work you do opening our eyes to your experience. It is very much needed. You are an amazing person!

[@lindagriffiths8926]

PS: I have worked alongside many men & wo-men, both feel! victim's and perpetrators of their own destiny/fate. Both feel misheard, misunderstood, unrespected and small at time's. Pigeonholing traits/feelings/characteristics is foolishness and creates more division no matter how kindly! or rationally done. A-human needs to value who they are! at their core! not their personhood/ego but the beauty inside!!! 💡💡💡💡💡💡💡💡💡🐝 Bee 🌞 🐝 🌞 who you are! Bee 🐝 U-ti-ful! 🙏

[@jadnajjarine9355]

I’d much rather listen to a woman speaking about the struggles that come with womanhood.

[@200Nora]

This is one of the best speeches I have heard i my entire life. She certainly has my respect and admiration.

[@2ndself354]

Inside my little world, the only thing i can do is to ignore the mess, anger and all the bad things happening for this and focusing on myself. Everybody should save enough time to start a new way of thinking, to realize that common sense and respect covers everything and everyone. And i just want to focus on that.

[@hanslim4031]

I don't know if their message was to give up spots for women, which I don't agree; spots should be given to people qualified for that role. But treating people equally regardless of gender. Yes I'm all for it.

[@amberramsey5928]

The best and worst of both worlds. I love listening to Paula speak.. So empowering.. Anyone can start over at anything! Positive energy.💜

[@Boogaloog]

How inspiring! This is the best Ted Talk I've seen

[@christinelavoie2644]

The "stop interrupting" advice: Yes. That would be big.

[@shellyjustice7227]

I absolutely love Paula. I am so glad she did more talks...

[@ewagrabowska000]

What a wonderful person. Inquisitive, compassionate, caring, both brains and heart. Thanx Paula

[@bcheducation4319]

Very powerful on so many levels. Such a piece of wisdom to recognize that this person on their journey healed and moved forward with enough wisdom and openness that they evolved their soul. Moved me to tears...