What makes a friendship last? | Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi

Sustaining friendships - and making new friends - can be challenging, even when we know it’s important. So how can we make our friendships last without feeling overwhelmed? And is there a formula to follow for making new ones? To find out, data journalist Mona Chalabi turns to her most trusted sources: data and her mum.
Want to hear more from Mona? Follow Am I Normal? on Apple Podcasts: link.chtbl.com/AINyta
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[@TED]

Love the new TED original series Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi? Check out the full podcast audio on the TED Audio Collective channel here: kzbin.infoelKVLCRdOcI

[@mothratemporalradio517]

TED person, hi there! i had several of my comments go missing which i think began in one of these threads. i have subsequently been repeatedly unable to respond to a gent who replied to me. The nature of my comment was in no way offensive. i have never tried this with a channel before, especially a great big one, but could i please alert you to the issue and ask whether you might try checking your spam folder for this video for comments of mine? i accept the exchange in that thread os paralysed, but it's disturbing to have this happen when doing nothing wrong, and I'm sure it's not you. After my comments disappeared here, they went on to vanish elsewhere for a spell. i can't tell if it's over yet or what caused it, but if you have any opportunity to have a look-see, I'd be very grateful. Especially given the substance of the topic.

[@cassidymudd1394]

I really enjoy this TedTalk format. Short, but stuffed full of content.

[@TED]

Glad you like it! Have you watched any other TED original series like The Way We Work, Body Stuff with Dr. Jen Gunther or Sleeping With Science?

[@h.l.malazan5782]

Yeah, take it in, woman. Build that social network. The world is burning down, but let's find you that person to talk about it. SMH.

[@user-ij7tj8jc8r]

I've noticed that my goal is make something out of friendship, learn something new and grow up. So when friendship ends I never feel myself dissapointment or sad because I know that I got new good memories and lessons, I'll keep them through my life to the end. I just want to say thanks to every friend I ever had, I'll never forget you, no matter how we ended up

[@asar2252]

Making friends after you grow up is as hard as it gets. 🙂 It's just never the same.

[@nosebleedpuddle]

The trick is never to grow up.

[@agolooritte3057]

@@nosebleedpuddle accurate accurate

[@asar2252]

@@nosebleedpuddle Stay kid at heart.

[@sandyly2687]

Agree! 😶

[@DemetriPanici]

I personally think it's a mixture of proximity and how much you have in common with the person. Those two things eventually lead to true love and care for another person.

[@Frozan]

Her mom is so smart, should have been invited Friendships🍀

[@DemetriPanici]

*“Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.” - Marcus Aurelius*

[@tetrar1790]

Here

[@mothratemporalradio517]

Another thought is that as explained, these practicalities of responsibility limiting time, privacy and energy as one increases in age don't only affect women, but i would actually be interested to consider whether men's connections might remain somewhat more sustainable over time for the following reason. Women are conditioned to bond over long conversations revolving around personal relationships; but men are conditioned to bond with each other over action, engaging in activity first, with talk together coming on the heels of the action as a secondary action. i think that these personal exchanges about relationships and feelings are much harder to sustain when periods of long absence intervene. By comparison, if you're doing an action packed activity together, the onus is removed from focussing on shared expression of experience, instead you're creating a new experience. Increasingly i wonder if that's a very pragmatic approach when there's disruptions to the maintenance of a bond. On the other hand, the rates of men's suicides are always much higher, and i likewise often wonder whether that too relates to the tendency to not really talk about feelings in terms of masculine conditioning. i know men and women can be friends too, it's just interesting to consider the role gender or gender conditioning might play, for better or worse, in maintaining connections.

[@louisyoung1916]

@@mothratemporalradio517 A thoughtful comment on the Internet? That can't be. Where am I? 🙂 You make a good point about gender-related contrasts in this area. I wouldn't be surprised if somebody actually does a study on the differences between how male and female friendships weathered the pandemic. 🙂

[@louisyoung1916]

@@mothratemporalradio517 Aren't computers wonderful? 🙄 I only see one comment from you about this; in fact, I only know you replied to mine because my g-mail notified me. I can see the reply in my mailbox, but I can't actually see it here (under the video). Regardless, what I *can* see of your posts matches with other things I've read, and I agree it's an interesting question. Specifically I wonder if men's connections might take place more in work settings and so might have continued with less interruption from the pandemic, since at least some workplaces were unable to shut down completely. Whereas women's connections might be more dependent on social settings, and simply "meeting at the coffee house" was just about impossible for a long time. 🤔 Disclaimer: Just a theory, and there are exceptions to every rule, of course. 🙂 Thanks for the (invisible) reply. Have a great day! 🙂

[@KWifler]

If only the belief that you are a good person were enough to make it so. Sadly, such a belief often goes contrary to the truth of oneself. And the desire to think such is a sign of one's inability to measure up to one's own expectations.

[@samikirk05]

I have 3 very good friends. I have known 2 of them for over 50 years, one for 45 years. Quality over quantity seems to be my motto. *Friends* are people who build a space in your heart and stay there, regardless of where life takes us. Then there are friendly *aquaintances* ... the "social" friends you have a coffee with, "solve world problems" with, have a laugh, exchange small favours, etc. The long term friends are treasures who seem to appear out of nowhere. The others come & go. If they or I move away, they vow to stay in touch, and most do. For a while. Don't get me wrong. ... I like people. I enjoy their company. But if asked to choose, it would be a no brainer.

[@billymitchell158]

30 good friends? am i crazy like that's a lot.

[@Ilovebaboon2001]

Nah you not! I got 2 💀

[@trangle1506]

there are some friends that we don't text or meet frequently, or even once a year but when we meet, we still feel full of friendship.

[@Haji84]

I don't have friends to lose anyways

[@agolooritte3057]

And then the narrator's obnoxiously sparkling sharps will break into draining blood cuts, the flower red, the one beaten up in the cold wind, which s actually stunning your statue. Don t break your statue, someone is gonna visit it. And yet the shot capture will course your eye ill, like the cam's breaking legs, on the computer's narrator, the statue. But in fact it s Narrator's computer. So, charge your RAM (Roger Ain't Make) and GPU (Gorgeous provides utility)

[@hajimehinatasupremacy]

@@agolooritte3057 wtf does this have to do with anything

[@agolooritte3057]

@@hajimehinatasupremacy what's the common sense of wood and stone? That s aye, axe. Eventho they can t stick just like that. But even if you try to stick the stone and then try to create other axes, there's still one stone or wood who ll crack, or a lumberjack killed by a falling tree

[@user-no5us3ni6g]

2:15 2:39 2:56

[@duarteassuncao]

Thank you so much for that explanation!! It opened my eyes and changed my way of thinking about friends!!

[@mothratemporalradio517]

Great and timely subject.

[@jckkkkkk4731]

I'm extremely happy with my three pals because even when we meet at least once every three months, our friendship remains as strong as ever T____T

[@alyahhodijah9250]

Great! Very fun explanation! I also think that friendship is something important, because it must be really nice for someone to support and share stories with each other. I also have close friends who haven't seen each other for a long time, fortunately we still like to communicate online because we are now far away, wanting to play together is also difficult because we are both busy with each other's business! For all of you who can still enjoy time with friends, have a good time!

[@lanfour4444]

Who else has friends but no close friends? 🙋‍♂️

[@superstar082100]

great video that came to me at a perfect time!

[@user-lv4dh1pt6m]

Nice topic!

[@freedom9240]

There’s no way you can have 20+ friends, acquaintances? Yes

[@anjanaa89sa]

It is easily possible if you grew up in an over populous nation ;)

[@prasundas6558]

@@anjanaa89sa still not real friends just casual friend u can have that number

[@bellyyi2465]

When it comes to friends, it's quality over quantity.

[@elmawatson1913]

I am one of those people who give space to my friends if they want to make friendships with other people. and I lost connection with my friend. but I think, by doing that other people will have the opportunity to make friends, because I'm one of those people who easily make friends with anyone. This video made me realize how important it is to keep the connection unbroken.

[@kforest2745]

Some people have what it takes to be trustworthy, that’s actual worth

[@toni4729]

Memory helps keep freinds. If your memory is genuinely bad you will lose them.

[@mothratemporalradio517]

interesting comment. That said, i will say my mum has a shocking memory and recently lost a lifelong friend she always kept up with even tho she lived in a different country for ages. But, i still think i can understand where you are coming from in terms of personal connection.

[@toni4729]

@@mothratemporalradio517 Yes, I live in Australia and moved from one State to another. Now I don't even know my brother's or my daughter's addresses. I recently rang my daughter and asked her if she knew where my brother lives. She didn't. I don't even know if he's still alive. I haven't seen him for years. It's not as if we fell out, we just lost touch.

[@mothratemporalradio517]

@@toni4729 greetz fellow Aussie. Our great Southern land has its pros and cons concerning massive distances. How many whole European countries would fit inside of NSW? There may be some ways to try and track down your brother and get in touch again which I'd definitely encourage you to do! I'd be more than happy to try and help and maybe some other people will have some good ideas too. At least you will know his full name unless he changed it. That's a start! I'm guessing your parents are no longer alive, would that be right?

[@KWifler]

Also, depression can cause memory problems. Also I saw some studies that showed that socializing a lot can improve memory and cognitive function, so it may go both ways. I'm not even social. To me, friends are people I'm not afraid of. I'm always on guard that someone will mess with me. People can be such pesky monkeys.

[@TrueCrimeQueen]

Amazing 💖💖💖

[@lilactreehouse]

Love that puppet!

[@sarma3105]

make more videos whit her please💓

[@mossiahcreatordesigner.5366]

Facts!

[@arantxaurrutia0]

I love Mona, since I was born in Bassano del Grappa.

[@beverleyhirst9380]

I’ve been listening to your Ted talk on Spotify and I’m far from average. At my first school I had 1 friend, she had a friend, so I shall count her as a half friend. When I went high school my friend became a half friend and I gained a new friend, that’s it. When we were 21 my first friend died in an accident and I didn’t make another friend, except my ex-husband, until I was 30, but that friend now lives in Luxembourg and I do not. These days I don’t have a true go to for anything friend but I know people but I’m not sure they would turn up at 3am if I needed them - except for one of my sisters but we now live a 100 miles a part. I’ve never had loads of friends I’m happy with 1 but not having 1 means life is lonely. I’m 58, does it change with age?

[@ronalddancaliva883]

You don't need to have lots of friends sometimes friendship vary when it gets to the point that you don't get to hang out as often as you used to.. Sometimes when it comes to your gestures, beliefs, friendship gets ruined all you have to do is to filter the good ones from the synthetics

[@nuchar]

Your mum is a genius

[@philipdamask2279]

Multiple moving is a major problem for sustaining friendships. Friendships rewuire helping each other out.

[@farangizaktamxonova3644]

Moving several times Lack of opp. to hang on_dissolving of friendship Half of friends over 7years Go out_knoking doors Difficult times_demonstrate who is caring

[@GordonPavilion]

I maintain that quantity time is essential for (meaningful) quality time to occur

[@motivationbaychannel6891]

It's absurd how most people wake up in the morning just wondering without a specific goal or purpose to go for. We all came from somewhere and we're all going somewhere. The architect of the universe didn't build a staircase leading nowhere.

[@zozanaktimur6092]

yes yes yes.

[@IAmTurbogfx]

No. The universe does not care about your goals, where you came from, or where you are going. Also: it's just as absurd to have a purpose or goal as it is to have none. Why would it be a shame to just live for the sake of it. In the end, what else is there really, that you're certain about? Your creator (whomever it may be), put you here, just because they could.

[@nafeesmuktadir3199]

So what about when we meet a person we sometimes immidietly know he/she will be my friend

[@despairia]

Ahahaha... *stares at the empty void*

[@Ilovebaboon2001]

“20-30 friends” me with 2 friends 💀💀💀

[@dorkwell]

Great little video, but 20-30 good friends? I feel like if you put trust in that many people you are delusional.

[@KWifler]

The only way I could ever get anyone to like me was if we were all forced to be in the same room together for some amount of time. I always had a fear of strangers, anxiety disorder, bad immune system, no energy, no social interests, weird humor... and now I am not forced to be around people anymore. I'm even considering getting my meals shipped to my home. I'd like to have a partner, but unless someone barges into my home and squats there, I really doubt I'm ever going to make another friend for the rest of my life.

[@_klee7469]

I'm at 0 friend right now, since graduating college 13 years ago then at work with constant change of personnel then being on a nightshift couple of years ago

[@Mehranpathanoo]

All dreamers out there keep going this is temporary situation it will pass your success will come be patient never give up just keep moving forward no matter what ✊ ✊ 💪 let's motivate me😒

[@KWifler]

Except, the opportunity for outbreaks is partly dependent on the pool of interacting hosts. Since the host pool is global and growing, that means that outbreaks should theoretically occur more frequently forever until they become constant as the size of the host pool increases.

[@no_rj1891]

I am in friendship wiyh my 9 yers elder villager who guided me in choosing career.

[@IELTSExpert1]

this is a great channel to broaden my ielts knowedge , I hope that you all will get BAND 9 IN IELTS SPEAKING TEST

[@sakshi8302]

Will ted like my comment? Btw i have had a friend for 36 years.she and i love to hang out together,we literally always helped each other from high school break up recoveries to the financial helps.

[@aleesp8282]

I only have about 5 friends and we don’t talk all the time because everyone has their own life. I probably talk to them once a month and see them maybe once every 3 months to once a year 😂

[@thefoodtubeprincess]

Same!!!!!!😢

[@jeraldbaxter3532]

Twenty or thirty GOOD friends?! Perhaps my idea of what makes a good friend is why I have very few friends.

[@My2cents.]

One is caught up playing the impassioned protagonist in one’s Subjective Narrative of Self🎈

[@silvermica]

I’m an engineer who lives in Silicon Valley and desperately seeks companionship - but, I have no family, no friends & no love. If I were to disappear tomorrow - no one but the bill collectors and my employer would notice. I will die alone. No one will miss me. It’s a sad fact. :(

[@FedJimSmith]

you buy companionship there with your salary, go to a bar or somewhere similar

[@user-wc4mx1in7k]

How Can WE make happuless

[@coldmir1258]

20 or 30?? i barely have one...

[@yume693]

I guess when you make tedtalks from home you can be as creative as you want

[@PlaylistLovingLover]

i made my now best friend in 5 minutes-

[@tarekz9992]

I literally have no friends. I have lots of family but no one gets together anymore. I try to get us together but it never happens. Sad really and not sure how to change that

[@iaprawitasari3028]

Hope you Will find your bestfriend

[@IKEMENOsakaman]

Hmm I make friends quite easily. I don't know why.

[@SimonSozzi7258]

Mom is right.

[@senuauwu]

WELL 1 year and a half and all my friendships have disappered I dont have friends. Thanks covid

[@acasualdatascientist54]

[@thefoodtubeprincess]

I DISAGREE WITH BECOMING FRIENDS ONLY WITH THOSE WHO HAVE THINGS IN COMMON WITH U?? WHY NOT LOVE 💕 PPL FOR WHO THEY ARE IF THEY ARE NOT ABUSING YOU? Weird and all! WE NEED ONE ANOTHER ❤❤❤❤❤❤I WANT FRIENDS!!!!

[@fynii2460]

Talk and Ideas are Cheap. Execution and Implementation are Expensive.

[@bornwithoutconsentobviously]

I have like two or three friends. Sort of. Damn.

[@trevorjennings721]

Hello 👋

[@bornwithoutconsentobviously]

@@trevorjennings721 Hi.

[@trevorjennings721]

@@bornwithoutconsentobviously how are you doing today,hope you’re fine and safe from the COVID19 virus??

[@bornwithoutconsentobviously]

@@trevorjennings721 I'm not doing too well but thanks for asking. Hope you're doing okay.

[@trevorjennings721]

@@bornwithoutconsentobviously well dear I’m fine😊.hope your taking medication??

[@jacktaipen2077]

20 or 30 friends, spending minimum 60 hrs with each, damn , must be nice

[@Mibs-Mibby]

That sounds exhausting lol

[@jl-dq5ch]

20 to 30 friends!? No wonder you're having trouble keeping up ...meanwhile I'm over here struggling to find a second friend

[@yume693]

Well I hardly make 2 friends every two years and loose 10 friends that I don't even have

[@kirillline4758]

Rose Kaplan forever !!!!

[@tabularasa]

Who has "20 or 30 good friends" at *any* time? That's not even realistic for a popular schoolchild! This script is dishonest.

[@timoonn]

respect french chips ok

[@mrnarason]

No friends

[@asar2252]

Or you could try Sheldon Cooper's method.

[@lilactreehouse]

What is his method?

[@asar2252]

@@lilactreehouse search it on KZbin.

[@FaiGal]

I lost all of my friends in less than 7 years…

[@thesudaneseprince9675]

@@Outstanding_Gal I think it's a better idea to ask why they lost their friends rather than to judge without further information. There are reasons a person might lose their friends due to no fault of their own. Do you agree?

[@kellycumpson7465]

Dont listen to that other person, i had to reatart a few years ago too and its hard. Keep your heart open and join some clubs with things you like. Its easy to find your people if you have a passion to share.

[@sielthesnail5628]

Who has 20 or 30 friends?

[@shitmusic8117]

20 to 30 friends... impossible

[@avigailrose1473]

I see that you have a lot of multi cultural faces on the Guess Who board... You forgot to add someone wearing a kippah.

[@AmyFerguson]

Make puppet stand ins normal!

[@meganhoward8820]

Sims social math IRL

[@trevorjennings721]

Hi 👋

[@lmperfection]

20 to 30 good friends?! HAHAHAHAHA is that NORMAL? I have no good friends, and 5 coworker friends.

[@ismailmatrix1]

Jokes on you, I have no friends

[@Enkeria]

Try not to move so much..?

[@areluna8392]

z

[@vectoragaming1745]

No.9 comment

[@gabyr.1561]

Aaand when you got too many guy friends who are just looking for "with benefits" and could turn into romance...

[@ChildofGod98765]

I was fired from my job for not getting the vaccine. I’m a single mother with two boys. I’m struggling desperately to provide for them. I’ve been out of work for over a month. I’m so ashamed of my situation. I have no family nor friends to help me. But I KNOW GOD WILL PROVIDE! Thank you Jesus!

[@_Everyone__]

Wake up! There is no God or Jesus, get the damn Vaccine you fool!! Religion were invented to control the masses, long before people knew anything real about the world, you are all sheep's being manipulated, read a book!

[@pamelah1220]

You let yourself get fired when you've got mouths to feed?

[@vectoragaming1745]

Your one click can change my life

[@CourtneyCoulson]

Geez, TED has really gone downhill.

[@TravisL.Desmadreson]

A whole lot of nothing! TED, do better.

[@olgaShmolga]

Meh, funny video, but very little "brain" value. Just some common knowledge.

[@_Everyone__]

Lol 20 or 30 good friends? yep just go on and fool yourself believing that. Clearly shouldn't be speaking of the subject at all. Do they pick random people from the street making these videos?

[@kilo5927]

These Ted talks are always so pretentious

[@jackvoss175]

Umm, if they disappoint you, maybe you should watch something else? I don’t watch them if the subject or delivery doesn’t interest me. From the For What It’s Worth Department

[@kilo5927]

@@jackvoss175 good thing I don’t then.

[@jackvoss175]

@@kilo5927 G’day, Kilo. I agree. I hadn’t thought of the descriptor “pretentious” for the TED talks. But, I did think of the words “eroding”, “weakening”, “running down” (as in a clock that’s slowing down because it needs to be rewound). Previously, I could count an listening to someone who was well versed in the subject. Lately, it’s getting to be, “Here’s my opinion about …”. I can get opinions at the coffee shop, barbershop, etc. Cheers, and my best to you. Courtesy of Half Vast Flying

[@Nihilist_Porcupine]

@@kilo5927 Lol so you go around commenting on videos you don't watch? Also, there's literally a hand-puppet in this one; if you think that's pretentious then I don't even know what to say... Don't watch Sesame Street! It'll fill you with proletariat rage against the bourgeoise.