What's Behind the Narcissist's Perfect Illusion

[@sirenachantal471]

What kept me going back to my parents? The Bible-honor your mother and father. It took a GP to tell me to stop talking to them. He said to stop for 3-4 months but I felt so much better that I stopped completely. I now honor them differently. I’m grateful for the good things they did. And I give all of us peace by keeping distant.

[@mandyjames8211]

So happy that you have made the loving choice for all of you and drawn the line.

[@LoRaineyDay]

Setting an example of healthy behavior for your parents is a sign of being compassionate and having an inner fortitude most people can't achieve. I hope you have a healthy level of respect and love for yourself 💖💯

[@DrDanielFox]

I'm glad you found a way to honor your parents and create a peaceful distance that works for you. Gratitude goes a long way.

[@nickibanks5185]

Your comment was the top of the comment window & I saw....what kept me coming back to my parents? Then the bible - honour your mother and your father😮 OMG that's 💯 my reason. Even though I knew they were going to ruin me financially mentally & as a bi product of everything... physical symptoms too. I'm an only child so I felt stuck in my belief that I had to do right by them even at my own happiness and wellbeing. Well eight months ago I went no contact completely. I had to leave everything I had left in this world that wouldn't fit in my little car & disappeared. Struggling to start again as I'm 50 now & had gone back to visit them after having left them for 2/12 yrs to work my guts out to make up financially all the time & lost opportunities I sacrificed for that past decade. The visit was weird right from the beginning. I was basically love bombed ( disturbing) and I saw how run down the family home had become due to their alcohol and TV ( mum) Facebook ( dad ) addictions. So I dobbed myself in to work full time on the house and property to get it to a standard that would get them a good $ to be able to purchase a brand new villa in a private retirement village that they chose. OMG!!! Everything was stressful and chaotic they made everything so dam hard from lack of communication and leaving me to do all the work, bad weather basically everything that could go wrong went wrong . I do believe they tried to sabotage the whole thing even though they wanted this villa. Probably to show me up when it went wrong thinking I'd give up then they could play victim & blame it on me for leaving them in the lurch. I didn't however. I stuck it out through the hole opened to the packing and cleaning out years of hoarding. At the end I was left with nothing as I'd lost my accommodation in the town I was working & everything in it because I couldn't afford the time and expense to get it back. Had nowhere to put it anyway. So I ended up randomly driving to different places/ towns to find a new home with nothing to put in it & I haven't even had a message from them or any of the extended family since. No enquiries as to my well being ...nothing. I really don't think honouring your parents means letting them f#€k you over surely not. Well I did my best & learnt the hard long way. Something seriously wrong with this world when theres elderly parents out there with kids that have abandoned them and they deserve to be loved & honoured in there older years. Then you have ones like ours that go out of there way to manipulate and try to break down their kids. Then they make up their false narrative to look like the victim 🤨🤯 Anyway all that out ...bit of therapy ( sorry) I hope you are continuing to thrive without the influence of your ...so called parents😊

[@Lulu-oi9ue]

The bible and religious ideology creates narcissistic people and victims. It thrives on narcissism. Best to avoid and deconstruct your beliefs and learn to critically think and analyse.

[@blueriver44]

Having this power disparity explained helped me so much to see this today. I'm always trying so hard to get my partner to understand and I just thought he couldn't understand but also felt like there was a stubbornness to it. I kept arguing but today I finally saw that. He needs to keep that distance to stay on top, it's more important than connecting or being on the same page. I finally was able to detach and just let him say things which mocked me. I just realized this is not worth getting into it. I feel disappointed but also some relief that I am realizing my partner probably has these traits. They seem to have gotten worse over the years...

[@MarkLupson-it6xu]

Professional presentation. Easily understood and perfectly relatable to the appropriate audience. Balanced.

[@princefruit]

As someone with Borderline, you have been absolutely instrumental in help me learn about, and manage, my BPD. You were able to do this because of your informative, empathetic approach to this information that rejects stigma. I've sent so many fellows with BPD from an online support group to you. It's been very disappointing seeing a lack of that same approach with out cluster B neighbor NPD. While it's important to understand their harmful behaviors, your videos on the topic have painted those with NPD as only negative. There are a million videos out there on how bad Narcissists are and how to avoid, cope, etc. I would really appreciate videos that approach NPD with the same level of understanding and care that you do BPD. There are those with NPD or NPD features that want to do better for others, and need someone to speak to them that's on their side. As an expert in personality disorders in general, I find the disparity in how you talk about BPD versus NPD to be a huge shame. As a fan who only got to where I am because of your books and content, I hope you take this constructive criticism to heart.

[@reneegardner2286]

Maybe try going on to KZbin and checking out some NPD creators there. Wanting positive information about NPD is kind of an oxymoron tho

[@DrDanielFox]

Thank you for sharing your perspective and feedback. I will definitely take your thoughts into consideration for future content.

[@princefruit]

@@reneegardner2286 I have seen some very informative, well meaning people with NPD on here trying to curb stigma, and I wish them the best. I don't necessary want "positive" information, but information presented in a neutral, empathic way that teaches, but doesn't demonize. Especially from a reputable, licensed health professional, it could give hope to a lot of those affected by NPD. There should be people in the industry who see those trying to get better and have their backs. If you have any resources for me I would appreciate that a lot!

[@Alexa-xk7gi]

It's different. As bpd we feel bad when we hurt someone else, but we did it either way cause we felt the need to defend ourselves. But we deel shame afterwards. With NPD i truly believe they don't even care about others when they hurt them. Not even their own children. They only care in their needs and they see us specially their children as if it should be our mission to satisfy them. In their mind NPD create their children now the children should serve them .

[@ArashaSP]

Dr. Fox, can you please speak on Covert Narcs? I suspect my husband is one. How does one navigate a relationship with these types?

[@ericborczuk135]

Even worse/more subtle than "you look good in that dress, I never thought it'd fit you" is something the form of which I've heard a ton: "Oh you actually look good in that dress" (or some other such compliment) Use of "Actually" is so f'd up You actually are pretty good at math! You actually look good today! You actually are such a good parent! etc etc

[@DrDanielFox]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it's interesting to see how subtle word choices can impact the meaning of a compliment.

[@markoflb]

Spot on Dr. Fox!

[@chilloften]

This was so awesome, and really shows the crazy making and how you cannot win. And they would not comprehend this message, AT ALL. It can take time to notice this behavior, and when you do notice, it’s over. Bye!

[@DrDanielFox]

I appreciate your kind words and insights on the topic.

[@Lulu-oi9ue]

My mum judges, criticises, controls and demands obedience. I’m an adult and the only reason she approaches me is under these circumstances or if she needs me to do something for her. She’s a cold hearted women but to everyone else she’s a “nice” lady. My mum contacted her ex boyfriend because she had a plumbing issue she didn’t want to pay for so he came fixed it and now she’s dating him again. We are all tools in her toolbox to use at will.

[@ibrappin4fun]

I love the "AABBBSSOOLLLUUUTTEELLYY" 😂😂😂

[@DrDanielFox]

I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.

[@mandyjames8211]

Amazing work Dr Fox 👌 thank you

[@DrDanielFox]

I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.

[@jcollins3182]

Dr. Fox I really appreciate this question, and wondering if you have any more content exploring what patterns you see in people who choose these relationships? Or if anyone else has recommendations? Trying to unpack this at the moment.

[@Peace-d6r]

Let’s discuss how this happens as well genetics and trauma these folks have been thru a lot

[@WhosWho-rg7fd]

What about those who have been through a lot of trauma and difficulties but are not a holes?

[@PeterShaw-ne1yq]

Narcs misperceive compliments and offers of help a something negative

[@joedaley6031]

this last bit is really helpful - what drew me to them... I've had some insight on this I think this but I need to do more work!

[@DrDanielFox]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts! It means a lot to hear that you found the content valuable.

[@thomashennessy3585]

Excellent video - I’m challenged by the questions that you ended with & I'm not sure how to answer them. 1. I got here after meeting someone intensely interesting. 2. I’m in that same relationship - and, for starters, now understand that she shares these N traits with the adult women in my childhood. I have expertise in handling female, wounded N traits - so, perhaps it feel natural.

[@DrDanielFox]

I'm glad you found the video thought-provoking! It's great that you're reflecting on your experiences and making connections.

[@KrayaFcknRiver]

I bought your bpd work books!!

[@DrDanielFox]

Awesome! Thank you! I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.

[@joedaley6031]

they are very skillful at what they do! although I have always been very easily taken in

[@billytitus1519]

How can NPD be transferred to children of parents with NPD? How do these gestalt forms present themselves, and which parameters are determinative for the severity of as well as the transmutation of the NPD, into for instance BPD with the child. Otto Kernberg speaks on how the development of NPD can be a defence against BPD in the child. . And lastly, could mania be a defense mechanism against the depressions I initially suffered? Thank you for the video, and yes I ceased contact with my parents, but lovingly, for the second and final time.

[@DrDanielFox]

Understanding the dynamics of NPD transfer is crucial for breaking the cycle. It's a complex process, but awareness is the first step.

[@mccarthyti]

It’s because the parents aren’t able to love their own children, it’s the connection that even very young children can sense isn’t there. It’s not that parents aren’t there to change the diaper… it’s deeper than that. If you’ve ever had a relationship with someone pathologically narcissistic, you know what I’m talking about. You can’t feel the disconnection when they begin getting into a deluded state of mind and acting narcissistic.

[@snowredsnow666]

laughing out loud I love the way you present :')

[@DrDanielFox]

I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.

[@karenjennings5950]

Is narcissism genetic?

[@accomplishedtheory9502]

I didn't realize this new "friend" of mine was a narcissist. First he would always seek out complements and I found it odd I was complementing this guy like everyday. Then he tried to flex some superiority over me because of his nicer TV etc. Once I realized this... when he came back for his next dose of compliments, I just gas light the heck out of him. Then I took back some previous compliments and gas lit those as well. Gas lighting a narcissist is hilarious. I'm also his favourite person and the one that he envies. He seemed to go away now since I no longer am the narc supply. But if he ever wants to show his superiority over me again I would invite him to knuckle up with me in the backyard to see where we both fall on the food chain. Just kidding, my wife wouldn't let me do that 😁. I just grey rocked and distance from this goof. Cut them off silently.. Thank you for all you do Dr. Fox.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Good job

[@accomplishedtheory9502]

@@godzillamanstreb524 Thank you. I am so happy to have this awareness now. I just thought I was being nice to help this insecure fellow out. But as soon as he made that first comment belittling me it was like a light bulb turned on in my head.

[@andrew33933]

Battle of the narc's

[@reneegardner2286]

Narcs don't have a favorite person. Borderlines do

[@accomplishedtheory9502]

@@reneegardner2286 ok in other words I was the one he would go to for narcissistic supply

[@redhead-y1o]

Not even going to lie Dr fox, I know as a narcissist they may come across as 'arrogant' and 'domineering' but the fact you didn't have 'Dr Daniel Fox, License psychologist from Texas.' at the beginning of your video really ruined my weekly drinking game to your videos. Why must I be so superior and understand every word in this video, usually I'm sloshed by the seven minute mark. Also, pro tip for a drinking game HOT SWEET TEA WITH RUM. Thanks Texas.

[@michelletoni3067]

You must be one, you sure know the most about it.

[@DrDanielFox]

Thanks for the compliant, the second part of your comment. I understand it can be scary to think someone could be an expert in something and not have it. However, there are a lot of heart surgeons who have never had heart surgery 🤔

[@CharleneCotton-wb7yv]

Are nanabot real

[@Peace-d6r]

Pretty stigmatising tag line .. I thought you were better than that I hope the contents of the video is more logical and empathic rather than pandering to the interests buzz words . Wendy behari has a lot of compassion and logic and posts thoughtfully about this.

[@johnandersson8258]

From Behary's book Disarming the narcissist: "Instead of appearing wounded, they will hurl the prickliest words at you, avoid you, or demand your applause for some other part of their wonderfulness. You may find yourself surrendering, offering an 'I’m sorry' of your own in an effort to quell their unrelenting reactions and mend their tattered egos." To me that seems pretty close to the tag line to the video, which I find quite accurate actually. And if that is felt by some to be stigmatizing, well... reality can be hard, but it's still reality and thus precisely what narcissistic people aren't in the least helped by having continually concealed from them. And explicitly mentioning shame, guilt, doubt and so on as an underlying complex doesn't exactly demonize but rather humanize narcissists in my opinion. Furhtermore, as far as content go, craving compliments to fuel superiority is pretty much directly deducible from the diagnostic criteria of the personality disorder in question. (The DSM diagnostic critera in themselves are in my opinon quite problematic, though, since they don't leave much, if any, room for personal suffering (as for example compared to the criteria for borderline personality disorder) thus making it the "asshole diagnosis" even though it's quite obvious that such unstable persons are in fact suffering. Hence it could be argued that it's the diagnosis itself that is stigmatizing.)

[@jenniferroberts8370]

To humanize is empathy The fact is this disorder is extremely emotionally abusive It’s human nature is to try to understand the disorder Nothing wrong with what he said

[@Peace-d6r]

Sounds like bullocks about choosing not to access the empathy . The research is not that much and we don’t know a lot about narscissm yet or the brain lets acknowledge that .

[@mebeasensei]

It doesn’t stop the booming KZbin narcissistic community ….billions want to be told their foes and woes have nothing to do with them, rather, they are victims of narcissism

[@gatsu37]

Overly villiflying for the sake of pandering to victim mentality. This channel used to be more objective and informative.

[@DrDanielFox]

Interesting perspective. Since it is still based on research and clinical experience the basis is the same. Some topics are harder to see than others. I appreciate your candor.