What To Do When Your Child Holds A Grudge - Laura Markham, PhD

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Laura Markham, PhD Psychologist and Author, shares advice for parents on what to do when your child holds a grudge and won't let it go.
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When a child holds a grudge, we should let it be the child's choice whether or not to forgive the other person or give the other person the benefit of the doubt, and we should make sure the child knows he or she has that choice. When a child (or anybody, really) holds a grudge, he or she might be thinking, "if I forgive the other person, then he or she might not learn the lesson I want him or her to learn, and he or she might do it again." If you think about it, adults give children consequences when the child has done something wrong, and the adult wants the child to learn not to do it again, rather than immediately forgiving the child, or giving the child the benefit of the doubt. Also, if we don't let children choose whether or not to forgive someone, this may eventually lead to the child being unsure who he or she can go to if he or she has a conflict with someone else. For example, let's say you ask a child how he or she likes his or her teacher, and the child says, "oh, my teacher is very nice," even though really, the child can hardly stand his or her teacher! The child just wants you to think he or she likes the teacher just so you will not talk to the child about forgiving or giving the teacher the benefit of the doubt. Or so you won't act like the child is at fault when he or she really isn't. I used to be a grudge holder when I was younger, and I did not like it when my parents tried to get me to forgive, or give others the benefit of the doubt. I might have been thinking something like, "if I stay mad at the other person, he or she will learn his or her lesson, and won't do it again." I remember one day, the summer before 8th grade (I was about 12 or 13), I was jumping on the trampoline outside my family's greenhouse business in Upstate New York, and our golden retriever (then just a puppy, barely 1 year old) ran over, grabbed my sandal off the ground, and ran away with it. I ran over to hurt her, because I wanted to teach her a lesson (not to take shoes). Apparently, one of our employees overheard her crying out, and ran over to yell at me for it. I am very sensitive to yelling, and I thought she knew that, considering that she has known me since I was born (she had been working for my parents since WAY before they even knew I was coming). I was SO mad at that employee for at least several months after that, and would not talk to her AT ALL! In fact, I would do whatever I could not to even see her! I would get off the bus after school and walk right to my house (which was on the same property as my parents' business), instead of stopping in at the business to say hi. I would be outside waiting for the school bus, she would say hi to me as she was pulling into work, but I would not say hi back.