When Narcissist Says "I Love You" - What Does It Mean to Him?

[@scottd52843]

People who love you don't devalue and discard you when they don't get what they want.

[@twinpeetzmoolsaasa854]

i find with a borderline you really see the competiveness, the discard seems to be a kind of victory. My opinion would be it restores the grandiosity or switches them to secondary psychopath or so to deal with the emotions, something like that.

[@Metronomu]

Exactly people who love you don’t see you as a transaction ✌🏼

[@twinpeetzmoolsaasa854]

@@discostar1984 yes

[@K119_]

@@twinpeetzmoolsaasa854 this does not resonate with borderline personality disorder in my opinion.

[@davidrife1999]

@@K119_ yes.. you wonder🤔

[@veral2274]

Never felt so unloved and lonely within a relationship as when with my ex-narc. He finally discarded me with the words: you're so lovely, don't ever let anyone treat you badly. Which is laughable, really, because no one ever treated me - and never will, I won't allow it - as awfully as he did.

[@asmahassan909]

The exact same thing happened to me. They are very sad people inside

[@angelablaney4575]

Same here

[@jswan312]

In my off and on rollercoaster relationship, my ex-narc always tried to keep the door open during a discard, too. After devaluing me to the point of abuse, he’d snap back at the end of the discard and say or do something to leave one foot in the door, in case things didn’t work out with whoever else he was pursuing at the time. 🙄

[@shilohbreigh3591]

NOTHING. It means NOTHING. He is saying it to make you feel good because he knows you want to hear it. He is benefiting.

[@AllergictoIdiots-gd9ev]

Exactly

[@dominus6695]

a bandaid to all the betrayals, crossed boundaries and broken promises (trauma bond)

[@Beanp2025]

One of the best episodes out there that explains the internal world of narcissists and borderlines. They don't love, they don't have the normal wiring for love. Living for years and decades with someone who doesn't love you causes trauma like what unloved, unattended, uncared for children in Romanian orphanages suffer. This on top of regular abuse.

[@Beanp2025]

@@MissPrissy6688 Actually, that's what the more empathetic should do, volunteer at orphanages. These little ones need love, care, hugs.

[@HyperaeonWhiteKnight]

What do you base this idea of the Romanian orphanages on? Stuff you once read in a paper 30 years ago?

[@kyliesmith9782]

I had to pause this to write this comment. "You can't love someone by digesting them. Love, is not a culinary experience" 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 Professor, I was sitting on my bed (at 3.42am) after awaking from a restless sleep, thinking and ruminating about my ex. As I do when I'm feeling low and weak, I reach for your videos and came across this one. It's amazing to me that after everything I've learned, I'm still able to come back and have those profound "wow" clarity moments, that only you can give me (I don't mind feeding your grandiosity, you feed my thirst for knowledge 🙃) Then, through the highs and the lows of this roller coaster journey you take me on, you seamlessly break my somber disposition by the insertion of your dry humour, with comments such as that. Have gone from crying to laughing in the blink of an eye. Perhaps I am Borderline, eh? 🤣 Thanks for the emotional buffet

[@elementalAlma]

Literally was with a vulnerable narcissist for a year and he told me he loved me… then one day he flipped his switch and started the real abuse and I asked: but just yesterday you said you loved me, and he responded, “i was always just saying that because I thought that is what you wanted to hear” I left.

[@hedonismbot3274]

Just been devalued by a narc woman. She told me "i love you". 3 days later devalued me and said "hahaha how naive of you to think i could have loved you.".

[@suzanne4396]

I ended it, after 7 yrs, 4 months. Now, He " loves" me. Now, he wants to spend one on one quality-time; now he asks after my well being, how my day is going, what my plans are.. shows concern. Fake; all fake, I know. Just doesn't want to lose his reliable, steady source of supply and unconditional love. The sex I gave him, always available on demand with a snap of his fingers. But, no. My feelings are gone.. there's nothing left to give him. He killed it.

[@elementalAlma]

@@suzanne4396 good for you to move on to receiving someone that deserves you. Don’t accept any more trash in your life.. it’s so hard because at first it seems they are perfect and you want to believe them, but now you know they red flags and you can see them when they are approaching

[@elementalAlma]

@@suzanne4396 the little shaman channel is also good to watch

[@hedonismbot3274]

@@paulmillard9535 thank you. Yeah right ? She really wanted to hurt me because she has all that hurt inside. Wanted me to feel her pain i guess. It reminds me of an quote from the movie american psycho : "My pain is constant and sharp, and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape."

[@johnnygames7511]

Doc V calls us his Shoshanim, because we are the flowers, the lilies or roses, in his garden. Like the Jungian caregiver, he is the Gardener; he is watering his lilies and watching them grow.

[@CodyCole80]

It means you are giving them something they want or benefits them, or you’re doing something that makes them look or feel good.

[@veral2274]

Lovely three course dinners, sex, and adoration.

[@brookeerdman8338]

Truth be told. I miss the golden period. Genuine or not, it was great. But I’ve gotta accept the reality. Narcs can’t continue with that and disengagement is inevitable.

[@LEAPwithIngrid]

I believed the lie for 36 years. Incomprehensible cruelty.

[@iRockwthMJ]

I totally understand...😟 I'm sorry 😔

[@ImpulsoCreativo9322]

Me too

[@MixxxedFruuts]

I spent six anguished years wondering if I was crazy because I couldn't reconcile reality with what he would say. I was always so confused when he would be in a rage calling me every name imaginable every day, while also yelling at me that he loved me in between death threats. So friggin' crazy.

[@zeljkaznatizeljka2758]

Oh honey. I am so glad you got out of that. It must have been horrible.

[@Fangelfeather]

I am so happy and devastated at the same time to see so many of us here. How is this so common?! The one I was with also called me every name you could imagine and even would tell he he hoped I would kill myself. My daughter just had a baby and he offered her and her guy a place to live while they get on their feet and I can't believe it never even occurred to me he only did it to keep me from seeing my grandbaby...how could I have actually thought he was trying to be helpful and kind?! My experience is a bit different in that this guy hates me 100x more than he pretended to "love" me.

[@kyliesmith9782]

Yep. Me too..

[@Ysmfotografie]

Love, hate, rage,yelling, gaslighting, lying,insulating, love again, admiration, devaluation, texting hearts, silence treatment, triangulation. It is all there in seven years..and than he has a new target. I am not interesting anymore. Feels used and abused.

[@nathansmith6365]

Love is not a culinary experience.....I love that....I'm also a Chef.....but cooking genuinely... requires a person to have honest love inside them and be willing to share..

[@md-mx5zb]

Terribly sad individuals. Never feeling or knowing what love is their entire life

[@saffronskies333]

There is a big difference between, "I love you because I need you", and, " I need you because I love you"...

[@ben-cl5in]

Accurate af

[@ArohiKhurana-kn4hv]

Yes it feels like according to a narcissist, "I love you" means "I own you."

[@berardfedele3486]

The one I was involved with said it all the time. It suckered me in deep. I finally figured it out that she didn't love. Was something else.

[@mari-annenystrom3801]

Thank you for telling about moods! My partner said many times that his moods depends on my behaviour - or how he felt my act. I always told him, that as an adult he has responsibility about his moods and his anger. Many times he became to be angry to me all the suddenly and we had fight where he blamed me. But it is true what you tell about moods. I have lived that.

[@jowoods7015]

20 years with one… the most horrific things he has said since I left about me… but in the next breath, how much he loves me and we are soul mates, how we are ONE… next minute ABUSE again

[@patriciarussell4111]

I was treated like a Appliance. I am not a Toaster.

[@suslynn4033]

“Love is not a culinary experience.” 🤣🤣 God I love this guy

[@laurenhall1070]

They can't love, they mimic it and can't mustard up a true emotion to save their lives. My exhusband groomed me from a young age, and the divorce 23 years later a total wipe out! Our children lost and brainwashed. The biggest mistake of my entire life, even after the multiple nasty break ups before marriage. I moved on, many times and he just kept coming back., manipulated by a master! We are a no contact family now, when I say family he got to my children as well. I'm sick about it, but I guess it was so painful in the end, so much time had passed. I had to cope without the drama anymore. One wedding photo, one family photo he popped in on while photographer was there in all those years toghther. I saw my home once in 7 years and the house is filled with 3 people photos everywhere. Very strange to see it in progress..He took down all photos when I put them up while married of our children only not us as a family, as we literallyhad none basically. He parades around with a single poor me dad stance. He's also a rippimg alcoholic and drug user to top the drama he created. His family knew what he was and would never help to make a normal or healthy split. They discard you in the most disgusting and disturbing way, short of killing you basically. Not many will expirence this type of disorder with a partner, thank God. You couldn't wish it on ypur worst enemy.. Oh and sex is used as a weapon and gas lighting. Not a healthy exchange in any way. He to end a long marriage, had multiple affairs and basically gave permission to get a boyfriend, and we weren't divorcing, more gas lighting. When that did happen eventually, he went in for the ultimate excuse to kill off the marriage.i was forced out of a life we built over 23 years with nothing but the clothes on my back and not even an ID for months. I'm ok now as best as I can be,, but still shell shocked years later. Horrible people need their place in Hell and praying Karma will take him where he deserves!

[@katalincatchpolenefister8954]

@@rosepink8953 I'm sure that's what happened they are evil and turn everyone against the victim so they have no one...nasty disquasting individuals

[@laurenhall1070]

@@sanjmalik6282 Well it's part only of my life, people in general have to put those negatives tucked away. I'm all about moving forward. Yes it was very stressful and agonizing to expirence. Yet, and positive additude and a glimpse of better has to take it's place. I'm sorry you expirenced such corruptions in your own life of similarities. God has a plan and you have to trust it.

[@FostersAccount]

Quite a story! Must have been a slow burn. Sorry that happened to you. I'm curious.. did you try and leave earlier, even before the children?

[@FroggyFrog9000]

Yes many such cases, thats why I believe out of all this PAIN we can develop clear methods that anyone who knows them can assess people around them, particularly potential marriage spouse, to see if they have personality disorder before getting involved with them.

[@ImpulsoCreativo9322]

❤how sad. Im just about to start the divorce process, after he basically and purposely left us in 0 in the bank account, and will screw me lf our second home in Mexico.its so enfuriating, so thanks for letting me know Im not the only one.

[@amandapryar4675]

My narc tells me ALL the time that he loves me, but one day whilst I was in a hurry to get to work he kept telling me that he loved me; I was aware of this but I didn't acknowledge him! Then he stood in my way and TOLD me that he kept saying" I LOVE you" my reaction to that statement was...Oh sorry " love you too". Now he makes sure that he has my individual attention, THEN he tells me that he loves me, just to give him the feedback and attention he wants!!!!

[@Aries2372]

This is the part that sends the survivor to therapy

[@sushmasinha8054]

When the narcissist says "I love you",it actually means they hate me 😢

[@cindyhalpern5011]

Here’s

[@mushroommagic1697]

Yup

[@Natibebe]

Why?

[@brookeerdman8338]

Or… ‘I soon will hate you’

[@FroggyFrog9000]

yep

[@feyza9191]

I learned the most comprehensive information on this subject from this channel. an invaluable resource for healing and understanding

[@tiffanyroberts3855]

Love equals actions. Words are lovely, but without actions to back up the words, the words mean nothing

[@dominus6695]

Exactly! This person was just throwing words at me to get me to stay in the relationship, for their benefit. All the little material gifts were just hooks to keep me entangled, I gave them all back. Sex or the (mostly) lack of it turned into a manipulation strategy. When there was a fight / disagreement she would show her private parts as if that would solve the issue. I never fell for having sex at those times. When there was a potential for intimacy, sex was always dismissed and avoided (after the bombing phase).

[@biancaswart9701]

I think it is mislabeling. Was thinking the same this morning. Thank you for putting things into perspective, Professor. -Survivor

[@franlewis1607]

Thank you Dr. Vaknin for this most excellent lesson on mislabeling love and intimacy.

[@tolunda80]

So grateful for your lectures; I learn so much every time.

[@dominiquelizarzaburu]

Sam: "love is what normal, healthy people experience". Me, with tons of anxiety and having being crushed by a family history of narcissistic personality disorder: "Well, I guess love is not for me"

[@MixxxedFruuts]

No, don't do that to yourself. I believe he was merely establishing a baseline upon which he could build his main points and arguments. I don't think he in any way meant that the door of love is closed to those of us with mental health issues and trauma. You are worthy of love and care. You matter. 💖💖💖

[@davidrife1999]

@@MixxxedFruuts I agree with your comments- but who are these “ healthy normal people “ who define what love is? How do we know they meet this definition? If they are truly so and you ask them what it means when they say ‘ I love you’ they have as many difficulties explaining this, indeed describe love with the same terms and dynamics that the “ unhealthy “ do. If one doesn’t describe or consider promiscuity, novelty, exhibitionism, masochism, boundary breaching, envy and abuse as elements of love and intimacy; does that mean that they aren’t “ unhealthy “ after all? If we then say their motives and drives, are “ hidden” from themselves ; BUT we know better, these people don’t really understand their internal processes as well as we do… 🙄🙄🙄 WHAT are we saying - ACTUALLY ? And the controlling and self protective elements characterizing the introspection described around the 35 minute mark sound like a description of anyone suffering CPTSD .. are they also incapable of truly loving and knowing intimacy ?

[@anumer897]

@@davidrife1999 "CPTSD" is not a personality disorder, so therefore treatable with therapy, among other things.

[@beacleary9889]

My healing is slow, but steady now; you’re insights are priceless: you are an authentic expert, & I am beginning to be truly able, to hear, & identify with it all; you may be a narcissist; but you are genuinely trying to help us all; that we might be stronger, & in a much better condition, to ward off the abuse; stop it; & understand why it’s really happening; what’s really going on…..x

[@pamelakelley5535]

The narc I was with tried constantly tell me what I was thinking or feeling about whatever we would discussing. It drove me crazy. Like he had some power it was insane.

[@protospha]

All narcissists are emotionally immature... they are, and always will be, children in adults' bodies. It's not their fault that their emotional growth was stunted at an early age.... but still, it sure is hard to feel any pity for them!

[@doctorroc8633]

Omg 1{}{}% true she told me she was prosperous

[@anumer897]

@@protospha Very true! I still feel that they should at the very least know how to CONTROL their bad behaviour on a 24/7 basis. Sadly, they won't.

[@Somatic-wisdom]

the one I was with did too, it made me crazy constantly saying, you can tell me about you; but you can't tell me who I am and why I am doing the things I chose to do. I would say you can ask me about me, but you can't tell me about me...repeated x 1000 so crazymaking

[@FroggyFrog9000]

Yeh and in conflict with a npd, they will often attribute motives to you that you know you never felt and never even thought of. Its common for some reason.

[@alyajewellery]

I’m probably a codependent, I have never been in love. Maybe it was gut instinct to protect me or I have other issues. I went along with the shared fantasy hoping I’d fall in love eventually.

[@kisigma1011]

It the biggest lie ur gut can tell u just remember everything a transaction trade for trade there is no love no more in this world

[@gypsymoon7763]

Sam you are hands down an expert and full of knowledge. I have been a fan for years. Thank you for what you do.

[@bsmith7266]

Is there a more important lecture than this one? In all of physics in all of math in all of affairs, I cannot believe there is .So profound and genius - the essence of wanting to be human, even if you only have a mask to give

[@anouschkamampaey6786]

That was really interesting, thank you for teaching me some new insights. I myself have borderline and am obsessed in wanting to know what love is. For 6years now I am doing my best in learning new things about myself and others psychology and spirituality. And now I have been going to therapy for one year, there I have learned more about letting a person be as they are. Connecting by asking questions. And feeling my own emotions. That was very helpful. My goal is to love in a healthy way. The idea of it does make me a bit anxious because love is not grasping, wich means I have no control over the situation. I can not decide for someone to want to choose me. So at the moment I do my best to love myself without a spouse. And do my best to love others from a distance for who they are, good and bad. Even though it feels quit challenging everyday, I feel that wanting closeness and neediness all the time but I try to change my behaviours instead of egoistically feed it.

[@xiaomausmi7821]

This talk is crazy revealing and full of epiphanies!

[@susanrose4792]

After almost one year of no contact. My partner died yesterday. I have mixed emotions. How could I cried overSomething that wasn’t real. Now I’ll never be tempted to reconnect which would be a death sentence for me. I guess that’s all right it’s a fight to the death it’s either him or me I choose me. He can’t hurt me anymore. But will his memory haunt me I don’t know it’s too soon to tell!

[@nancyinthegarden3160]

I’m sorry for your loss. It’s very bitter sweet bc you’re feeling an attachment to a fantasy relationship. I am considering leaving my husband after 38 years. Ive stayed believing I could do it for him but I have to go now for me. I can’t fix him. So, I’ve struggled with the possible outcomes, but I’m sure now, I could probably never predict how this will pan out. I just know for certain, what I can and can’t live any longer. They are sick and it’s not my job to fix sickness. When one door shuts, another one opens. That’s life for all of us. New beginnings are healthy to grow. So take the smallest step towards your future self without that person. Smile for whatever you did have that pleased you, however temporarily. Move forward and begin to stop the mind from entertaining these unhelpful ties to a sad past.

[@CodyCole80]

I think it’s a blessing.

[@TheDeSantisVan]

How ya been?

[@jimmysauvalle7115]

Thank u Sam .. also is funny how they recycle the same words with everyone . Like “ you are my soulmate, the Love of my life , the Only one I want , the best sex I had , The one I can’t be with out , My true Love… n bla bla . But when they say it it seams like they are reading from a script.. I found out after my Ex wife BPD that she called all the same even the ones she cheated on me with .. ..

[@iramsavir5631]

Exactly like my ex narc! Verbatim, everything he said to me, did with me, he said to and did with all his past affair partners and now his current supply. He memorized a script that for him worked wonderfully to snag new supply. A lot of his "conquests" had long-term crush on him and he took full advantage of that.

[@ariellepoetry8299]

He said I love you and he had to walk away in a panic. Immediate emotional dysregulation. I was kinda shocked by his reaction. I thought we were saying it platonically but his reaction didn't match the moment. I was then discarded soon after.

[@ChiGodeSiAccontenta]

Thanks as always professor. Clear and deep your reflections.

[@maryellenp4994]

We love to hear your voice too. Thanks for another brilliant lecture.

[@ryanwalker2340]

Oh my GOD - I was engaged to a Borderline (8 years ago) before I even knew what Borderline was, or that she was one, and she convinced me that we were "twin flames"! First time I heard that term in 8 years. Bringing the nostalgia! HA!

[@K119_]

I have bpd. I’m in recover y (yes you can recover, it’s a learned disorder brought on by abuse, physical or mental) In my past I was very much like this, I fell straight Inlove with the people I was dating. It was like I couldn’t see myself without them once with them. This drove everyone away, then sent me into depressions because my “favorite person” was now gone. I had a shit ton of therapy, and had to be honest with my behaviors. I’m now with my boyfriend of 6 years. I refuse to marry until I’m ready. He’s very aware of my disorder. And he’s had to highly research borderline personality disorder, join support groups, and go to therapy with me in order for us to function with our child. But it is possible to heal. I’m writing on this comment because I recently quit a job where my boss was a narcissist and really triggering me back into bad behaviors. She would always use the word “twin flame” with me. Weird huh? Lol 😂 Anyways. Red flag for me. A narcissist and a borderline?!? A recipe for disaster lol 😂

[@ryanwalker2340]

​@@K119_ I figured this was possible, I wrote a comment below asking about it actually. I have a friend who has Borderline and she did a lot of DBT and stuff and really worked at it and is honest about her condition. I feel like she is infinitely different than my ex who would never get help. I felt like she tried to warn me early on but couldn't quite SAY IT and would later revert to blaming me for however she was feeling or acting. I'll say this, though, the sex was ridiculous. So I guess that stereotype about "crazy chicks" being great in bed holds true. So you'll always have that ace up your sleeve if you need it. "Sure, Borderline Disorder can be difficult but you know what they say..."

[@K119_]

@@ryanwalker2340 I think the biggest thing is we have to admit that we can be extremely problematic. And we have to tweak our lives accordingly. Currently I just quit my job even though money can be tough, because I set a boundary with myself not to engage with people who are unhealthy. Sex can be a crazy subject. I used it to manipulate a lot. It was a release of emotion for me, like smoking a joint. In my recovery I actually am in a stage I’m repulsed by sex because of my past, but I’m learning to overcome it slowly, this comes with self discovery. My boyfriend is really unhappy with that part but he’s learning that a lot of things I’m going through aren’t “forever”. Im sure he’s the one cuz he’s put up with a TON of shit from me and poor guy just holds tight lol.

[@K119_]

@@jdashlovela borderline personality disorder

[@teresacotton7923]

My ex said it during lovebombing and even fished to get me to say it too. Then he shortened that to LY, or an emjo of a heart. I felt he was feeling guilty for saying something he didn't feel. He was very uncomfortable saying I love you. He told me once my actions would show how he felt when I told him his actions didn't match his words.

[@patriciaventura1282]

You are my hero!

[@9me9a92]

He is MY hero

[@calico-kitty-chrissy]

👍

[@nabi36912]

Totally

[@Ami-dk9pl]

Thank you Sam, for your wisdom and also for not allowing publicity, so annoying on youtube!

[@succulentlife3343]

Yes interesting. Also very depressing. Maybe the next one can focus on what love IS in normal because I know a ton of people and have worked with tons of people and I can't think of one couple that does not have partial elements of much of what is mislabeled love.

[@succulentlife3343]

Unfortunately the Bible is interpreted many ways and it's definitions are taken to extremes or diluted just as much.

[@asheredee]

This has opened my eyes Professor, now I need to accept this

[@lynchang2007]

Saying i love you for the Narc is just like a greetings only that you can say for everyone's.

[@audreytodd9701]

As a borderline who has done a lot of work, when I’m with a healthy person I have developed mechanisms not to split them because I love them and doing that to them wouldn’t be fair. I have a neuro typical ex who I don’t resent at all, we had a compatibility issue. I think though that I will never be capable of truly loving with love avoidants, or someone as fucked as I am.

[@jontoering7792]

Good Morning my favorite educator!

[@ginamendez7758]

Good morning Dr Happy New Year and all the best for 2022🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@suzanneburgess9209]

I learnt something about myself with this that I've always wondered why I do it. It's an extremely painful continuous intrusive cruel disorder to live with. Self sabotaging behaviours which are compulsive . It's a brry painful disorder

[@vibehigh5280]

Makes so much sense. Thanks Prof Vaknin!

[@magdadiamantopoulou7996]

Thank you Prof. for this video. You are great 🙏

[@moranasprowler]

All the New Year candy or something, Prof. Vaknin seem to be on somewhat higher energy levels today. ✨😁 Listening to this after my classes in quantum mechanics, I find myself wondering which of the two is more abstract in nature??? I need to find a palpable object of study before I lose my mind...

[@kimfunderburk5796]

I love your accent and the sound of your voice as it is life to me

[@ryanwalker2340]

Are Borderlines really beyond progression? Narcissists I know there's nothing you can do with them because they lack functioning hardware to feel the way "normal people" feel. But, with Borderlines I know some who get DBT and gain some level of mindfulness and learn to regulate their moods and emotions through hard work. It seems with control feelings like love, as the happy go lucky experiences it, might be attainable to them, no?

[@josephsnisky1851]

It means that they love screwing around with you and on you.

[@mizzomiz]

Is there at all "happy go lucky" mentally healthy humans? That is the big question. With psychology you might always find something. It's all covered if only one goes looking for it.

[@shereeconnolly2457]

This is very informative content. Very much appreciated Prof. Vaknin 🧠👌

[@sunshine8495]

Yes this happened to me on Facebook a few years back. Hadn't had one conversation with this man. He even claimed I was going to be in his future.

[@debmccafferty1007]

He was most likely a romance scammer

[@AshStar18]

Just finished an argument , and i had tears all over my face, and he said, order the replacement cartridges for my razor😂😂😂😂 I started my search for his mental disorder that day itself. You saved me Prof.

[@sara-dx3ix]

They lie constantly, they are strangers. With education and understanding, i look at him now and see 'Nothing' in his eyes.

[@trinity6764]

This was a real eyeopener .Must watch this again ! Does anyone know if this topic is covered in any of Mr Vaknins books ? This was facinating and spot on .

[@ToddAnderson-si5kk]

35 years with my wife and she gave it all away herself by throwing all of those narcissist words and definitions by telling me I was all of that I finally I took a couple of days off to read and study up on narcism now I am in a state of shock especially knowing my whole life with her was built on deceiving lies and control last year we went out to West POINT Nebraska hauling cattle when cattle where unloaded whe went out to supper anda little small town jewelry shop which that whole evening she was distant and cold she cancelled our reservations for the little motel and put her finger up in my face and said you are driving back by the house so I can get out and I Will NEVER go wjth you again or be your partner never ever again so we left heading back .e got over to Illinois along about I-74 in Peoria Illinois she rolls window down kinda leans out I hear something strange l

[@britnimeighan3050]

Professor Vaknin, if it’s not, true, real, genuine emotion and intimacy, then what is it? I can picture exactly what you’re saying, I just can’t comprehend what else there is to feel in the body other than touch and emotion.

[@koreenalaw8644]

Thank you for this incredible lecture!!

[@karinteeples6517]

My Cerebral Narc husband of 30 years has said he loves me twice. I’m not exaggerating. I yearn to hear those words, it ain’t happening 🙄

[@calico-kitty-chrissy]

Marin Teeples I told my Narc, "love is shown not told." He doesn't get it, I am not surprised. 🙀

[@lrowlands53]

NPD and BPD are existential disorders then? In other words, disorders of the who and what am I. That’s definitely a concept that helps me place these disorders in relation to myself. Instead of seeing these people as entities who have drifted at some point away from ‘normal’ - and are therefore accessible no matter how tenuously, it serves me better (in survival terms) to see them as incomplete and dysfunctioning beings.

[@lrowlands53]

@@jiltedlittle6868 Thanks. I was aware of that take on the disorders, but in the context of this video Dr Vaknin has focused on their bizarre expression of identity.

[@lrowlands53]

@@intuitivevibes1818 My ex was described by a psychologist as being BPD so I have lots of experience with behaviours and a few years later I had a long interlude with an NPD woman. Experience sometimes sucks hard.

[@YouMarch308]

This is one of the best videos Prof. 💯 facts you hit all of them.

[@leonorquinteros6255]

my narcisist never said I love you. Except when he was dying after having cancer.

[@MN-ns1lo]

Needed a nurse.

[@susanl698]

Pretty sure you know my husband, and then decided to do a video about him!!

[@NastazyaPhylipovnaTchornaya]

Thank you, as always.

[@vincentwilliams8685]

Always amazing stuff! Thanks again.

[@-Mimi-1]

Thank you so much Sam for this knowledge. My ex intimate partner would say to me, Of course he loved me...70 percent. The other 30 percent was reserved for distrust of me.

[@theshadowknows2708]

Projected distrust, of course.

[@MixxxedFruuts]

Wow this is so spot on.

[@nat6442]

Funny nice addictive professor😂😊

[@aalves9453]

This video explains why the borderline was so keen on making out in suburban Wal-Marts. There I was thinking I was irresistible 😄

[@latikabenz6289]

My ex husband (the narcissist) was never capable of saying “i love you” 😢

[@iramsavir5631]

Well, at least he wasn't lying and saying I LOVE YOU if he didn't mean it, unlike my ex narc, who said that to everyone he met as if it was going out of style. Saying "I love you" was part of a memorized script and so easy for him because he was a pathological liar and serial cheater.

[@chelseawinter1]

So when the narcissist is stalking me, he “loves” me? Smh

[@maslizamuhammad5275]

Stalkingggggggg u to find out hows u re doingggg...to see any chances for him to HOOVER u back into the RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE..basiclyyyyy to repeat the CYCLE OF MANIPULATION and ABUSE..not because he is so in loveee crazyyy about u ohhh nooooo..u must ACCEPT THE FACT that all type of NARCS ARE UNABLE TO TRULY LOVE like the NORMAL PERSON..by the wayyyy..im one of the SURVIVOR EMPATH FROM THE EVIL MY EX COVERT NARC..take care😊❤😅😂

[@ladymother5488]

Well now I finally understand! Thank You Sam Vaknin

[@KIIINGDAVID1]

this is soooo deep ... I love it 😀

[@dodo-e4x]

Happy new year. My favorite professor on YT. ✨😌

[@catherinedunne1799]

Hahahaha exhibitionism. I have thought about this a lot. I went to Art college, (drew countless nude bodies) graduated, became an acrobat, started dating a cast member who was a model at the college (now happily married circa 2014), one night someone called asking him if he could model but he already had a gig, asked if i wanted to get paid to sit around and drink wine and eat cheese which started my job as a muse for 3 years. But really i didn't think much of it at the time other than it was easier and paid better then the bronze foundry i was working in.

[@brendaplunkett8659]

Thank you, that was very helpful.

[@lectornovato]

Being with a narcissist or borderline is being an expectant of an oedipal monole.

[@desrez6]

I love my property and like admiring it.. but there is no love because it to painful for them to reflect.on their true feeling. The ego prevents them from showing love to other people

[@dzanasaynes4782]

Amazing lecture 👌

[@pedroavilez2003]

A narcissist women told me I broke her heart and I was like Jaja haha 😂 I no what you are

[@pedroavilez2003]

@@jiltedlittle6868 thank God I am not

[@iseeyou2810]

@@pedroavilez2003 you sound like the Narcissist, finding joy in other hurt. Are you sure you arnt the Narcissist?

[@pedroavilez2003]

@@iseeyou2810 did I hurt your feeling s

[@CharlotteRodgers-d6u]

Brilliant work

[@aliaamorsy5744]

I love listening to you. It makes me realise what is wrong with me and my life. I was diagnosed with BPD, and am married to a narcissist . I would like to know if knowing about one’s personality disorder helps to lead a normal life, to minimise the heartache and the hurt we inflict on others. Can there be a guide to that ?

[@mf4068]

I know so many BPD who get with narcissistics. I wonder why this keeps happening. Codependency perhaps?

[@anumer897]

I think overall, it's possible and manageable by a BPD person to live a somewhat normal life, but definitely not so for an NPD person. In my experience, the NPD can bring out the WORST even in the best of the best, angelic and most normal and well-grounded person. So, if they are with a BPD, they will most definitely be able to destroy the BPD quite easily. So, I would guess you would absolutely have to leave him if you are looking for a 'normal' life. Right now, you have double-whammy where you are!

[@Give_Me_The_Night]

Yep, me too! 😢

[@fiftyshadesofgrey1991]

They have a rational cognitive "empathy"

[@samvaknin]

Cold Empathy. It is not only cognitive, it is also reflexive. And it has nothing to do with rationality.

[@jessicadorsey8483]

Very good. You make me laugh. Thank you.

[@glossylove21]

There are healthy normal people? Im thinking about studying psychology. Never too late to deep dive into something.

[@lannal4626]

I was also wondering where are these healthy normal people 😂

[@carolbell6744]

As a borderline I now know why I loved a Narcissist for 10 years. Thankyou for your vital expertise in your field.

[@daniellem578]

Your videos are very good!!!

[@Bunch335]

When will psychologists and psychiatrists start discussing and breaking down Healthy Narcissism? The world has purposefully made the character, Narcissus, as such an evil villain to where it turns others into more borderlines and unhealthy narcissists with victimhood entitlement or false self entitlement. Keeping people as "pain addicts".

[@Bunch335]

"I love the sound of my voice!" ---Healthy Narcissism.

[@nicolayoung7973]

Great acting but love is a question we will all ask if stays long-term with a narcissistic entity because there is very qickly a Nothingness in there gaze a void vacant space in between rage and verbal abuse then boughts of depression or actually disappeared inside and from there your locked out in every sense.

[@nikkiblackey4209]

My husband has been blocking every device I bought this past year and then used any account I tried to make and lock me out of it then I believe that his friends used those accounts to impersonate me and also hacked 3 different bank account and stole over 3 thousands dollars

[@fayes.9204]

It’s interesting that you used the term “terra incognita”. Do you think there is such a thing as cultural narcissism, and is colonialism a part of it? Does colonizing/ forcing new people into your culture amount to a similar self love you described?

[@10062112]

Dear Sam Vaknin It dont think that anybody have ever could find out what really was going on with John Lennon and yoko ono, in there symbiotic relationship, which I think was boderline and narcissism, when it is where destruktive, and that was what split the Beatles. I think that Lennon was a borderline and yoko was the Narcissist that kontroled him. But I am shure that you know, and I would love to hear you analyze the case. And thanks for inspiration in every way

[@samvaknin]

I met Yoko Ono in person a few times (in New York in 1983-4).

[@10062112]

Ok. I am sure that you know what was happening in Beatles after yoko ono, I will say, occupied John Lennon. I have talked to many people, about this, and it seams to me that they see her as an artist. I see her as a very dangerous narcissist.

[@montega.]

Thank you Dr 😮‍💨