Why I Gave Up on Dating | three years of singleness, celibacy, and decentering men

[@elliedee5221]

hit me up on instagram @/ellie.deeee with any questions, or just to see what I get up to in between uploads :)

[@Smarthalayla]

Celibacy my a_s. On the minute you would like to get laid, you would had many guys to choose from. Maybe not the one you want, but you would have many guys standing in line and that's the main differences between women and men. kzbin.info/www/bejne/mqrIn4aOab2GkKM

[@andromeda1903]

i love how when you say the universe hands you a lovely person on a silver platter and your doggo shows up

[@elliedee5221]

I didn’t even notice that lol!! 😭

[@hahaishereman]

We love the “married at 19” to “men ain’t shit” pipeline

[@lemonsaresocoollike]

yes!! after a breakup back in June where my ex kept all of our mutual friends (I met him at work after moving to a new city), I realised I had neglected all of my female friendships. I’ve spent the last 9 months decentering my need for male validation and developing really strong female friendships and you know what? it works!!! I finally understand who I am. I’m not afraid to do datey things by myself, or to give love to my friends that I previously wasted on boyfriends who didn’t reciprocate. you are speaking nothing but the truth

[@elliedee5221]

thank you!! and yes, female friendship as so sweet and so important. learning to cultivate more of it is truly life changing ♥️

[@lenad628]

I love how more women actively decide to stay single recently. my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me 14 months ago and while the breakup fucked me over in many ways, i spent this time to become comfortable with my own company and it has been so valuable honestly. the men that have since then approached me romantically (my ex included, lol) absolutely cannot compete with the level of peace i found and until one of them can, i will settle for a life on my own (and a dog as soon as my work schedule allows me to)

[@frapsa_]

building meaninigful friendships is so hard as an adult, I'm almost 27 and I don't think I ever had a good friend (especially girl friend) my whole life and now it's even harder, I feel you

[@ppermoons]

I'm 25 and never had a friend I was a priority to, I always felt like I'm the 'plan B' friend if someone couldn't hang out 🤷‍♀️

[@rachelwhite438]

It’s actually largely because we are so male centered as a society

[@elliedee5221]

making girl friends can be so difficult, especially if we’ve been hurt by girls in our past. learning to find good female friends and heal that damage has been so worth it for me though! ♥️

[@TMeyer-ge5pj]

I'm like the opposite. I have lots of friends but I never have a boyfriend lol

[@ireymm]

Been Celibate for 5 years now, i dread dating men tbh i think i'll die single lmao

[@elliedee5221]

honestly I’m with you 😭

[@Tarotbyjessa]

We all die single lol, even the Queen of England was buried solo in her casket 😂 Kidding aside, it's good to enjoy our company, afterall no one else will prioritise us other than ourselves.

[@Catbeantoes]

Same! And I’m at peace with that

[@Datb2]

SAME! Lol

[@vegetablecarcass]

i was in a relationship for 7 years and never prioritized myself and had no friends and after we split I started to find myself more and more. its been almost 2 years and I dated a bunch since then but only in the past few months I've realized I have so much more potential and I have been putting all of my ambitions on hold by prioritizing the people I dated. The opportunities in my life are endless now that I have shifted what is important to me

[@fabulousrat4626]

The queen has returned 🙏

[@maggiescarlet]

I'm not really interested in discussions about hook-up culture (no offense I've just heard it before, I'm sure other people would like it) and more curious about the specifics of whatever hobbies or interests you've been cultivating during this time, or maybe a video about nurturing friendships when you have loner tendencies (cause me too). I don't have a strong friend group now I'm back in my home city since most people have moved away, so I've been working on keeping up my long distance friendships, regularly seeing individual friends that I do have here, and recently joined a local women's book club which I'm loving :)

[@elliedee5221]

yes I would love to talk about that! it’s been a big learning experience making friends as an adult, but the work is worth it. now I need to find a women’s book club in my area lol ♥️

[@isabellabass5346]

I think a lot of this is great advice, Ellie. I’ve been in a relationship for over 3 years, but I also hate first dates. I’d much rather be comfortable with someone. I took a lot of last summer to get to know myself even while being in a relationship, so I don’t think you have to be single to do that. For me it was important to get closer to myself and God, but I think learning about yourself in general is important.

[@elliedee5221]

so true, and thank you ♥️

[@krushkannon]

been single for nearly 5 years and i can honestly say that i’ve rarely ever actually wished i was in a relationship LMFAO especially seeing everyone else’s experiences

[@cassidybrewer]

After my breakup from my son’s dad in 2020 and beginning to coparent, I knew I needed at least a year. I took two years to be celibate, no dating, and sober (still sober to this day, but I feel the need to include that because it added to my clarity greatly). Dating in this day and age is very tough but you’re so right to be intentional and placing emphasis on self care. Single doesn’t mean anything bad, as long as you love and choose yourself daily!

[@elliedee5221]

exactly!! I don’t drink much either, and I think it can do wonders for mental clarity and emotional wellness

[@brookepage3752]

Not me getting a Bumble ad on this video 😭

[@sarahconnors8909]

just ended a long term relationship a month ago and this could NOT have come at a better time. this feels very affirming and encouraging for where i’m at and where i’m headed. as a lesbian, i’ve already de-centered men romantically but it’s a really good reminder to find my worth only from Me and what I bring to the table!! loved the video, thanks for sharing your experience :)

[@elliedee5221]

thank you!! ♥️

[@marilynreynolds6893]

Thank you for coming back and making this wonderful video. You echoed the thoughts that I have had for years. People need to hear this and take it to heart. I hope someday that one shiny needle flies out of the haystack and lands in our lap, or pricks our heart, but until then I will love myself and my friends and my solitude. As they say in the hood, "you go girl".

[@kevinpaul9484]

So wise. Very therapeutic listening to you speak about being single and finding yourself. I’ve been single for a long time and love experiencing life by myself🎉

[@elliedee5221]

thank you! and yes, it really is wonderful being your solitude

[@joshuamoore8560]

*I* need that man to like me... and that man...(points at self) is THIS guy right here. Welcome back, Ell!

[@bluehairedvixen]

She queen is back!!! I was wonder how she was

[@elliedee5221]

I’ve been good thank you 🤠

[@momoblood]

Dude, I love your videos... like you never miss! I really enjoy your vibe and all, lately i don't get excited about yt anymore but when I see you updated I click right away! Keep up the good work!

[@why_pen]

ironically watching this days after getting married 😂 but my husband is the one encouraging me to work more on myself, to live life outside of just our relationship, to make and nurture connections with other people. and through my relationship with him i have gained a relationship with his family and friends as well, i got a lot closer to his sister who I'd already considered a friend, but we've had more opportunities to bond since i started dating him! it's definitely not bad to be in a relationship, but you have to find a balance and to find and keep a hold on your own identity. really excited to learn so much this year

[@l4ndree]

i have been single for a while now (got out of a long term relationship about a year and a half ago) and i broke into my journey with becoming comfortable with my own loneliness. for the most part it has been extremely freeing and i have really fallen in love with myself. but lately, the feeling of not feeling pretty/datable enough for a future partner has really been nagging at me for some reason. although i don’t have any interest in anyone as of right now, and i personally would date myself? LMAO anyway, it was so nice to just listen to you talk about this. i feel like it cleared up that mental block that i have been having lately. ❤️

[@jessn8007]

needed to hear all of this!! recently deleted all of my social media and ordered a flip phone to focus on myself and my healing journey 💖 this video was a breath of fresh air especially the part where you said not every guy that you’re attracted to should have access to you. i have struggled with being in emotional entanglements with men that pursue me and it’s not just on them, i am the problem in a way too…. bc i haven’t valued myself enough that i allowed myself to be treated less than. and you’re so right that as a society; women are taught to cater their entire persona on appealing to men. i need to find myself before i let someone in again, it’s gonna take time and that’s okay. thank you 💕

[@Vildeeh]

This video hit the nail on the head for me Ellie. You manage to verbalize my exact thoughts about intentional inner work, how the loner tendencies affect our abilities to engage in friendships, especially in adulthood, and how atrocious dating and the dating culture is. I have been following you for some years now, but your videos after the divorce especially helped me a lot as my own relationship came to its end. I would've loved having a friend like you! 😊

[@muadhnate]

Congratulations ladies. Wishing everyone the best.

[@Tearituplikewasabi]

One of my faves like I wish we were friends irl 👏🏻 this came at such a coincidental time. Just got confirmation last night that the guy I have been crushing on for years has been seeing- coincidentally- a pretty, smart, clever, skinny blonde woman who wears heart shaped glasses that is also one of my favorite people! Now that I know to pack it up this video was really nice to watch ty Ellie lol

[@laurasanvel6289]

I decentered men in my life when I realised I'm a lesbian, it's been the most freeing experience and It has put my life and my soul "in the same wavelength" if there's a way to call it

[@myownbravado]

After like a little over a year of telling myself that I needed to breakup with my boyfriend of seven years, I FINALLY escaped a few months ago for good this time and it feels like my third eye has been opened. There are so many little things I’m discovering about myself whether it’s something silly like I’m actually a morning person??? Couldn’t ever figure that one out because my ex would guilt trip me anytime I tried to go to bed before midnight. Or bigger things about what I want out of life, creating, or whatever else. I’m so excited to continue to learn about myself and hopefully actually make some friends but ya girl is struggling on that front 😅 your story is super inspiring though, as always, and thank you for giving me the courage to dump my crusty ass boyfriend! Or for planting the seed, at least.

[@fairypretty1]

the fact that we were working on the same things made me feel like i’m not alone🥳🥳

[@Julia-co2sl]

I would love your take on hookup culture! What are some of the communities you mention in the beginning about finding yourself, that helped you? I think it goes the other way too - I would say I have always been good at building female friendships, but have sought out validation from those friends instead of from within myself. It doesn't need a boyfriend to kind of lose yourself unfortunately. Or maybe it's not losing yourself, but rather stagnating your progress of finding yourself. Anyways, i would love to hear more about this!

[@nightcrow4508]

Hi Ellie, sorry for being late! I'd love a video talking about your thoughts on hookup culture if you were down for that video! Your takes are always refreshing and I enjoy this new style of content that you've been making on this channel and your other one :)

[@elliedee5221]

thank you! I’ve really enjoyed making this kind of content :)

[@micahledesma9458]

I miss youuu!!! I love watching your videos 😭❤️❤️

[@Czena]

stopped looking for a relationship after a really bad 6 month experience with a guy and it was great to truly start loving myself and higher my standards. wasn’t until a couple months ago i found the most amazing boy and i never thought i would be in a relationship again for years until he proved himself to me

[@elliedee5221]

so happy for you ♥️

[@Saraht2001]

queen could you please do the video on hookup culture🫡

[@hedgejae_]

this is exactly what i needed.

[@alexav.2084]

Woah…was literally thinking about you today and wondering when you’d post again. Crazy!

[@stewartmatthews1551]

I agree with what you are saying ellie i have been single for a good while now and i feel happier and prefer to have friends that are girls because friendships mean more to me then being in a relationship because being in a relationship is overrated these days nothing wrong with people that qre in a relationship because i am a picky fella when i wanna be in a relationship with someone

[@duskt1ldawn]

thank you so much for sharing!!

[@leslietherae4807]

Question, and I'm genuinely curious but did you have good, responsive parents? This video has me reflecting on my life and I've always put validation from men at the top of my priorities since I was a preteen I had always needed attention from males. I feel uneasy in relationships and I have taken periods of a year or so at a time of being single and celibate and those were probably the happiest times of my life. My parents were really neglectful. Probably searching for the same things as me. I'm in a sort of situationship right now and I probably should get out because I feel left out of his life and maybe I could have a conversation with him about that but yeah, because I'm scared of rejection it's hard to address my concerns and actually have some real intimacy with anyone

[@Jennifaah]

Ellie dropping more truth bombs. Can you be my life coach?

[@elliedee5221]

lately I have been dreaming of being able to coach people some day lol so this was nice to see 😂 ♥️

[@Jennifaah]

@@elliedee5221 you can do it!

[@samanthalaine8064]

YES! Release yourself from the constraints of cringe!!! THIS

[@fat_ninja_status]

Thankfully all my problems in my life disappeared after I said no to every hand out they requested and told them to get themselves together especially after jail and if life brings them back around my way cool if not have a good life. Course health has gone downhill, and I've just accepted being alone and good with it. So yes, like our parents/ adult figures told us growing up, get your self and your life in order before you start dating and being distracted by a partner or friends. So yes, hopefully you get your self in order and at peace before bringing anyone else into your bubble.

[@nattiemae]

How did I not get a notification for this?!?!?!!? 🤬🤬🤬🤬

[@Dessamator]

I got forced into celibacy, as my partners Glioblastoma got worse, and more recently his passing. Since his second brain surgery, it was more like I just had another presence existing in the same apartment. I love him and miss him, but it was as if I had much longer to morn him before I literally lost him. But you're not wrong about having that time to get to know yourself better. I believe we're constantly changing people. At least I am. I try to learn something new from every experience. I even started my own channel right around the time my partner went into a long term care facility because things were going on with him we just didn't understand. The prospect of caring for just myself is actually scary. I'm not ready to date, but I know that I'm like a cat. I'm both an introvert and an extrovert (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠) And because I'm disabled, having physical friends isn't easy at all. Of course, finding a person who will be able to keep up with my brain and nerdiness... I guess I'm a tall order to deal with (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠)

[@elliedee5221]

so sorry to hear about your partner, but wishing you the best on your journey ♥️

[@Dessamator]

@@elliedee5221 Thank you very much. I hope that you get to have every happiness that you deserve too. I always look forward to your videos (⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡

[@Shaylin964]

Women of wisdom

[@icecreamcake6238]

I know parasocial relationships are bad but sometimes I literally feel like we are the same person. As in, our lives have been so similar to a scary degree and very much in similar timeframes. Although, I will say, I DO judge the hoes because I have yet to meet a single one of them who is actually having that phase for any other reason than trying to escape themselves and their past hurts, and usually they will whine to me about how much they hate what they are doing but not adjust that behavior anyways. Plus, I'm sorry, no one is above accidental pregnancies (if having het hookups and both are fertile etc) and STDs yet they often act like they are and rarely ACTUALLY practice anything remotely "safe". Like oh, you get tested once a year after hooking up with 20 people? How is that going to help anyone?

[@elliedee5221]

unwanted pregnancies and std’s are some of my greatest fears 😭 it is really concerning to see some people throw that caution to the wind :/

[@hamantha217]

emotional independence in relationships is almost as important as financial independence, I wonder why it often gets overlooked. I tried to fill the gap of not having any friends with a boyfriend in college, and I lost myself in that relationship SO QUICKLY, my personality just vanished into thin air. It was so bad that I had to give a 4 years long break to dating to explore myself. now I have 2 girl friends, a much higher self respect and a sense of humor

[@ellztrez252]

What methods did you to to find who you are more and how do you know what kind of person is making you unhappy?

[@DeadCat-42]

%68 of men aren't dating. Dating is dead. Online dating put the sociopaths in charge. No man I know is dating anyone except the players women should avoid. Good men shouldn't even bother.

[@AnjewlaSparks]

You should really go in about hookup culture, dating, & all the things you mentioned at the end you said you weren't going into detail. I would thoroughly listen. I think it's gatekept in a sense & silenced to talk about those subjects.

[@rachelwhite438]

Yay!

[@theencourager2686]

❤ LOVE your transparent truth! Celibate Male Divine Feminine. 3rd stint of celibacy and looking at this one to be a very, very, very long time. Like Nikola Tesla really. Thanks for sharing. Egyptian Shaman Empath Gaia Beacon On KZbin at The Encourager

[@catcat9582]

Gigi hadid voice

[@Cherrypopppp]

You sound like Gigi had if

[@mannequinskywalter]

i think i've said this before but you look qnd sound like gigi hadid 😔❤

[@TheMagneticEdge]

enjoy your solitude and celibacy, but don't blame men for your problems. Just be a good person and don't make it about gender

[@ThatOneDude248]

I am subscribed to this channel and idk why💀

[@elliedee5221]

divine intervention tbh

[@ThatOneDude248]

@@elliedee5221 probably!

[@IamLegendaryguy1998]

You can talk without using a microphone in your videos

[@andromeda1903]

yeah if you want crappy sound quality wtf

[@Drseyazdrseyaz]

This is why the World’s population is Dying. You should be back to TRADITIONAL STATE OF THE WORLD. Sad 😔 how the Worlds becoming😭

[@FROBcom]

Lmao 😂😂😂😂

[@whalechief]

i appreciate this as someone who will date someone but take a min of 3-4 years before i get into another one. i need to marinate. thrive. rebrand meself. pickle my brain perhaps. but thats me time, those years

[@Raresammy]

Have you ever thought about making a group chat on Instagram with followers to potentially help connect with people? I feel like your followers mostly have a similar mindset and it would be a great way for some to make new friends and build uplifting relationships!

[@elliedee5221]

that would be a great idea, or maybe a channel on Instagram! I’m still not totally familiar with how they work, but they seem to be good for building community like that

[@Raresammy]

@@elliedee5221 yes! Definitely!