Why I Want to End My Life - A Self-Reflective Exploration on Suicidal Ideation

[@East-Bound]

Unfortunately, this video has been flagged by either viewers or youtube itself. I have mixed feelings about this, but ultimately understand that to some the open discussion of suicidal ideation will always be seen as encouraging the behavior. I try my hardest to be ethically responsible when making videos, and I want to make it clear I'm working very hard to save my own life and will always encourage others to chase after life and try everything possible. To everyone struggling, wishing you the sincerest of luck!

[@judedeprey6831]

Thank you so much for sharing intimate portions of your life. So many of us go through it, but most of us don’t talk about it. I believe this could help many people. I am watching all of your videos, I can identify with each one. I will pray for you.

[@bliss4921]

I feel you should understand that mental health is a driving point for why this can’t be publicly displayed. It’s peer pressure and fully going to spark interest in others

[@East-Bound]

Peer pressure to do what? The only thing my video encourages is to chase after life and away from suicidal ideation and have open/honest conversations about why they crave to end their lives. Being left in isolation with suicidal ideation without any outlet or form of understanding is how people get into positions where they take their lives. And I’m sorry but “fully going to spark interest” do you have any idea how dismissive that is to suicidal ideation? The reason I and other I have met crave to end their lives are often the product of profound trauma and/or hardship. There’s not a single video in the world that could have “sparked” that feeling within me. And you completely miss that I’m advocating for healthier approaches to avoiding suicide. I understand this is a sensitive topic for you but to accuse me of influencing people towards suicide is absurd. I do not cover these topics without pain staking effort placed into ethics and morality.

[@StephanAndreMusic]

@@bliss4921 simply put, no. If you struggle with mental illness / your mental health, it is YOUR responsibility to be mindful of what you consume; social media, food, etc. The world cannot and will not tailor itself to you. That is the purpose of trigger warnings. If you willingly continue to watch something you think or know will trigger you, that is on you, not the content creator. As a survivor of multiple attempts, I can tell you that "peer pressure" had nothing to do with it. Two of my attempts were due to a combination of impulse and depression, the third was a result of long term planning. There were zero external factors. If you cite your own social media binges as part of a reason for suicidal ideation, you're making an excuse.

[@rayandogy1278]

Thank you for making this it's encouraging to see I am not alone and the desire to do and become better is fueled partly by this intimate video you shared. You are not alone. I understand that it's hard and its okay to feel this way. It's not okay to act upon the desire for suicide. Thank you so much.

[@Emmiee114]

Passively suicidal…..always going to bed hoping that I don’t wake up. Tired of waking up.

[@suemilner9691]

@@Emmiee114 I’m here if you want to talk ok x

[@EdithDLT]

To me, I never wanted to kill myself. I wanted to simply stop existing.

[@East-Bound]

That’s definitely where my suicidal ideation moved into, craving the nothingness that it provides

[@Dogloverofficial101]

@@East-Bound I feel that, it is truly hard, but I want to live just for the very fact that what if it does get better? And I remember you said this in the video and I am thankful for that

[@nico3945]

Te same here.

[@makeitrainmoodymane874]

💯💯💯

[@hatem999ff3]

But u can't do that us humans are social beings and if u want otherwise and want to go the other counter side of the truth that we can't stop existing u will lead tu wanting to kill ur self

[@indirabatista6055]

Tired. Not wanting to exist, not wanting, not enjoying... Im learning on a slow pace.. I feel like time stands still while the world is moving forward as if Ill be left behind.

[@williamramos3350]

The only reason I am still here is because I am a coward. All I want is a simple life. Modern society has taken that away from me.

[@BEACHDUDE71]

Or maybe you haven't reached the bottom yet, keep trying to get help

[@MetalForLife1970]

Sad but true

[@artemis1906]

You explained the feelings about wanting to die beautifully. I have been living with this feeling over 10+ years and it's hard to deal with it sometimes. It feels like suffocating and you just want it to be gone. I don't want to work. I don't want to adult and it's not about being spoiled. I just want to breath peacefully for one day and feel like I can keep living but I can't be burden to my parents either. Like Freddie Mercury said: " Mama, I don't want die, I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all."

[@DianthaV]

I never really wanted to die, I just didn’t want the life I had. Hugs ♥️

[@alaididnalid7660]

Try to want the life you have ;) Just saying, being satisfied with things is a way of being. Likewise, if you had what you wanted you would probably find imperfections about that as well if you're wired like that. Too bad one can't choose what to be satisfied with. The one weird thing about that is that some people learn to love what they do have as they age. I hope I'm one of those. (lol)

[@DianthaV]

@@alaididnalid7660 I used past tense for a reason :) I love my life right now.

[@alaididnalid7660]

@@DianthaV I subconsciously interpreted it as a goodbye letter, got confused due to the dark theme of this channel...sheez...Good to hear you're feeling better. Cheers.

[@DianthaV]

@@alaididnalid7660 Oh noooo I'm sorry :/ Yeah I understand how it is possible to interpret it that way. Thanks for your reply aanyway!

[@alaididnalid7660]

@@DianthaV Well, not literally .. I was just tired & scatterbrained and I subconsciously interpreted it in a sad & tragic way that didn't imply any improvement. My bad really, have a nice day...and life, ha :)

[@juziazonk]

man, you may not realize this but such level of self-analysis is remarkable. I believe understanding your own weaknesses and laws that innately push a human to act and react as we do is the key to recovery. Hope the upcoming spring will illuminate some more conclusions in your life

[@TheVeryAngryShrimp]

I'm glad you're opening up and talking about it. Personally, I'm not fond of discussing my own thoughts due to the swarms of people who drown me in saccharine "life is beautiful" positivity (I think that's why more people don't talk about it openly and moreso in pockets with similar folks). That makes seeing this video on my feed all the more beautiful, and you exceptionally brave in my opinion.

[@CheeseLoversUnited]

almost every day I have a thought like "I want to die" I know that I will never kill myself. I've never planned or had true intent. Yet, I have this thought every day Most days I go to work, and work with acutely suicidial patients. Many have attempted. In my less strong moment I think to myself that I work with "actually" suicidial people, as if the answer to my thoughts is berating myself I teach coping skills. I explore with people the meaning of their suicidial ideation. I explore their reasons to live. I teach scientifically validated interventions to improve mood. Through therapies, listening and showing first hand accounts from people who have gotten better, I try to plant a seed of hope And almost every day, I have the thought I want to die I haven't given up my own hope, yet. Every day I struggle to implement the lessons I teach and every day I make a little progress. Eventually I'll be ready for deeper exploration. I don't have a neat bow to tie this up in. I wish I had something profound to say, to justify imposing my story in this way on others who may already be carrying a lot. The truth is, I just wanted to share

[@crisqr16]

Sharing is enough :) Thanks for your thoughts!

[@virtuosa69]

I wonder if bacteria conumed from animal protiens, particularly factory farmed animals, is a possible underlying reason for suicidal thoughts. I have to say the 18 months I went mostly VEGAN except for wild caught fish about once a week, I really didn't think about suicide, but since I began to consume the same meats again, due to family pressure, my mental health has deteriorated again. I'm going back to the semi pescatarian/vegetarian diet again to see if it helps.

[@l.c.8781]

It's curious you work in the mental health field and even so still have these feelings.

[@CheeseLoversUnited]

@@l.c.8781 the patient/provider binary is important but ultimately arbitrary. Just like medical doctors also get physically ill, all of us are capable of being mentally unhealthy or ill

[@CheeseLoversUnited]

@@virtuosa69 good luck in figuring it out for yourself!

[@retronova_official]

I’ve honestly just made up my mind at this point. I’m going to wait until both of my parents have passed, but I’m going to end my life. I’m not willing to live past 70 because I’ve been treated as a punchline my whole life outside my family. Friends abruptly turn their backs on me or disappear. Every shot at romance I’ve had ended in pain and suffering, my location and financial situation limiting any dreams I have, and the world itself turning eviler by the minute. I’ve just had enough, and I’m not convinced that things are going to get any better.

[@richardbrown8269]

I'm 54 and I feel alot like what you explained.

[@lsmemr8789]

I feel kinda similar - I don’t want to make my father see my death - I couldn’t forgive myself for this. But I’m also scared of dying so I’m not sure what I will do

[@YOHANESPRATAMASITOHANG]

I am still 23...and i already want to end my life...its pointless...tired of trying

[@Somebodysomewheresometime]

They don’t- I tried when I was 14 - only stopped thinking well maybe I’ll have a daughter one day. Maybe I’ll find my true love… Well that child is now alienated from me my abusive ex who left us for dead. My life was born trauma - my mom molested me, was schizo and loved to tell me how she should have aborted me like my father wanted. Nothing in this realm is good- I have my dog and she will die one day. I’m sick of this life - I’m sick of this earth and trap of hell

[@devak45167]

I relate deeply to what you’ve said here ❤

[@chgofirefighter]

Nobody wants pain but yet pain follows us. We didn’t choose to be born yet here we are. Suffering comes from many life complexities. If we had a choice pain wouldn’t be our own choice.

[@East-Bound]

Out of all the pain that has befallen me from the sudden death my father when I was young, to the abuse my ex fiancée put me through, and so on, the pain that haunts me the most is the pain I bring upon myself through self sabotage and toxicity. I find hope in the agency I have to remove those parts of myself a strive for a better life. I hope you are well chgofirefighter!

[@simi6152]

My neighbor took his life about a year ago. He didn't leave a note and it still haunts his family because he didn't directly tell his family why! The pain that his family is feeling is just so sad to see!

[@arianbyw3819]

That's truly tragic, but I would also ask if they saw his pain whilst he was alive, or had he made up his mind and hidden that from them?

[@Eryniell]

"I don't want to die, I just don't want to suffer anymore" this is, what I learned, lays at the bottom, is the root of my suicidal ideations. A simple wish it seems, with an incredible force of despair behind it. I'm not depressed. Atleast I don't think I am, but I'm tired, so incredibly tired from all the constant fighting for a better life which I don't even know if it can exist...and even if it can, how long? I'm not in active suicidal ideation right now, but I know it would only take a bit, a small push, always edging when having to explain over and over again why I can't do certain things, having to explain why pushing me would be the wrong thing to do...and also at the same time being worried that I'm using my suicidal ideations like a weapon...but it kinda also is a weapon directed at myself. Not a threat, but a warning to be taken seriously. Not "for attention" but for awareness of how bad my mental health is. It's also a warning to myself, it made me slow down and reach out for help, because I really really don't want to die if I can help it..I just want help, NEED help. Please, if someone has suicidal thoughts, no matter how close you think you are to act on it, take it seriously. It's your own brain screaming in pain at you! find help and get help. Someone out there WILL help you, someone cares, don't let yourself be alone with it.

[@jonnyw82]

Life is filled with so much pain

[@elijahberthume4325]

And so much joy

[@cliffkonkle3467]

@@elijahberthume4325 For some

[@elijahberthume4325]

@@cliffkonkle3467 joy is always accessible no matter how bad it gets

[@elijahberthume4325]

@@cliffkonkle3467 trust me I’ve been through some shit

[@elijahberthume4325]

@@cliffkonkle3467 you just have to let go

[@TingleTheAssassin]

Suicide is a comforting thought, for me. I view it as this: if life becomes far too unbearable, there’s always a way out. I don’t intend to ever take that exit, but it’s always there-and it’s oddly comforting.

[@East-Bound]

I think it offers the ultimate form of escapism, hope, and agency. That no matter how bad things or how much suffering is to delivered to you there could be an end to it. Obviously we should strive to live and overcome, but like you said there’s some comfort to that.

[@TingleTheAssassin]

@@East-Bound Well said East! Seneca, the Stoic philosopher, once said “can you no longer see a road to freedom? It's right in front of you. You need only turn over your wrists.”

[@East-Bound]

@@TingleTheAssassin A beautiful and slightly dark quote, thanks for sharing.

[@toolo7464]

please stay here, I NEED your videos!

[@East-Bound]

I have no plans to end my life anytime soon, just something I struggle with day to day. Besides I have a bunch of important videos I need to make first

[@monaconico]

Please stay with us. You are such an articulate and considerate man. This world needs you. Courage... good luck, be well

[@East-Bound]

Thank you for your lovely comment Monaconico, my stubborn self has no plans on going anyway anytime soon...

[@RaleX89]

@@East-Bound good for you bro! Stay safe and be strong!! Alot of people will give anything to have your life! Think about that! That mindset helped me thru my dark days! My respects, Alex.

[@SorchaRattigan]

I just found your videos and I’m having a binge. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability in such a clear way which actually helps people.

[@East-Bound]

I'm honored The Space Between!

[@TaMarAaQ]

As someone who has dealt with being suicidal in the past this is all very familiar. You are great at putting your thoughts and feelings into words, please keep doing that because it is needed and people can learn a lot from you. Living with that suicidal ideation for long periods of time is so exhausting, I know. But the fact that you still keep going, keep trying to give this all some sort of purpose, tells me that there's still a fibre in you somewhere that knows that life has something to give you and that it is worth trying. I'm not someone who's going to be like "everything will be okay and life will become all great and glittery rainbows" because I think in some level people with depression and suicidal ideation can have a pretty realistic look at life. But as someone who has come out of this, I know that there is even more than that. Life can be more bearable, easier to conquer, less of a burden. I couldn't see over that wall back then and I thought I knew everything there was to know, but I did not. Now, I still get depression, I can still get those thoughts, but I know that now. And life is still hard. But I refuse to let everything slip away because of that. Life can be beautiful and it's just the little things that make it worthwhile. For everyone who thinks that this is the end: Please just keep giving life a change to show itself. I planned on dying before the age of 18. I'd never grow up and I'd never have to deal with all the shit that came to me. I had a tunnel vision on death and for years every day I fantasised about just being able to sleep and never wake up. When I almost did die I realised that it wasn't the right thing to do. I decided that even if I wanted to, I wasn't going to take my life. I was going to die another time. But then the hard part came. Because I didn't want to live. It takes a hell lot of effort, trying, and courage to keep going on. And it still is sometimes. Don't depend on someone else to come and save you and make life amazing. You have to try yourself. The first years after that were so so hard for me and life still is hard. But life also changes. I got different people around me, different schools, work, places. Things change if you live on. And with that change comes challenges, but also experience, and memories. In that time terrible things have happened to me, but good things as well. And if I think of my younger self who thought that that pain would never end, who thought that there was nothing that could ever make me feel alive again. I am so happy that she tried and did fight for her life. Because I wouldn't want to miss this. I know how terrifying life can be and how your own head can haunt you and terrorize your life. Trauma's may be putting you down. But I know that you are capable of getting more out of this life. You have the right to experience what you can. You have the right to make things better. You have a purpose. You can bring good to this world even if you've seen so much that is bad, even if you think you are the one who is bad. You don't have to be happy, you can be whoever you want. But please give it another day. Just one day at a time. Try to experience this world in a way that you haven't before. Because there is more and you deserve to find out, even if you think you don't. Sorry for my rant, I don't know if this helps for anyone but just know that there is a way, this doesn't have to be the life that you are stuck in right now. Know that I understand. You are not alone, you are not crazy, and you are deserving of more than you are experiencing right now. Take care of yourself, I know you can

[@bellatindale3120]

Well said, thank you ♥️

[@alexpower9451]

Thank you 🤍

[@sere5609]

I often feel like I have given up. I knowingly engage in self destructive behaviour and sabotage my own potential successes and realtionships. I don't feel deserving of love or empathy, therefore I don't yearn for neither anymore. I yearn for nothingness. I want my mind to be empty rather than filled to the brim with painful thoughts. But I am still here, so I know I haven't given up yet. It's not necessarily comforting at the moment, but maybe it will be someday. Thank you for being so vulnerable. It helps to have certain thoughts voiced, that I am never fully able to express. I really hope you'll win your battle and share your experience along the way. I for one am really glad to have found your channel.

[@East-Bound]

I relate so much to the feelings expressed in the first half of your comment. I'm sorry to hear how much your struggling Se Re, wishing you strength and closure. We're in this together via the internet! ❤

[@extracelestial9527]

I understand. I really do. I once asked a Shaman how to help myself. How to find meaning, direction, happiness, purpose, passion, recovery... He responded by saying "Help others". That is what you are doing. It's not a cure, it's a path to healing.

[@MelancholyRequiem]

Thank you for sharing this. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for the past twenty years and it's been really bad lately. Thank you for letting others like me know we're not alone. We'll get through this together ❤ Much love!

[@Guys_Love_Each_Other]

It's so gratifying to see that I'm not alone in this, and that we're coming together as an online community to solve this problem.

[@dariusthurman8835]

My life feels like a constant train wreck. Career, love life, family, all trains wrecks.

[@Layizzzle]

This video hits uncomfortably close to home. I’ve always had a nagging and intrusive thought that romanticizes the idea of ceasing to exist. Although I would never follow through with it because of the devastating effects it would have on those that I love, it’s still an ever-present reality I find myself in. I see you, Christopher, and I am very appreciative that you have the courage to speak the words so many others have trouble uttering out loud. 💜

[@East-Bound]

I am sorry to hear that Layla, that persistent nagging is so draining on the soul.

[@zeecee5881]

You have the potential to be an incredible teacher. You are deep and are so well-spoken. Your knowledge is so very important. I hope for the sake of your future students that you stay around for a very long time.

[@priscilam.9808]

Wow, I LOVED your video. I have first started to think about suicide when I was 17. Im 39 now. Im not sure how my experience might sound to all of you out there that are much younger... but it never went away. I just learned to deal with it. The last time I came close to actually doing it was in 2014. I guess you learn your triggers and experiences. I never took any medicine for depression. Everyone has their own experience dealing with suicide. I WISH when I was younger than KZbin was around. Im sure your video will help other people feel less isolated.

[@allyson--]

I am so grateful writings & art exist to capture the array of destinations traveled by the beams of humanity's light (& shadow). It's shocking to comprehend individuals like Shakespeare existed in the same manner as us. And how he crafted stanzas depicting the most hurtful experiences, as well as the wondrous ones, into plays & poetry. Thank you for making this video & regularly incorporating art into your own art/work. It calls me to reflect further.

[@alexlesane4219]

My first attempt was at 9. It wasn’t severe enough for the hospital and some people don’t know but all I wanted was to die. I’m now 23 and still feel suicidal and have had multiple attempts some really bad and some not. But now I realize I can’t do it. Although my mom is gone I don’t want to hurt her or make her feel like she wasn’t a good mom or didn’t help me enough. I love her so much. I also don’t want to hurt my grandmother she does deserve to not only have her daughter and sister gone but her only grandchild too. It would ruin her. I see how she struggles daily with my moms death 4 years later. I’m trying my best to fight it

[@joshforeman1648]

I hope you’re doing okay. I suffer from suicide ideation too, I don’t think it’s something I’ll ever actually do but I think about it every day. Stay strong x

[@desireekidd6764]

You are loved and cared about by so many people. Keep going strong.

[@East-Bound]

Thank you Desiree, although it has been roughly a year since I had any strong plans of ending my life, my community on KZbin and the meaning I find trying to help others is a big part of what keeps me going ❤

[@ForwardLooking832]

Complex PTSD (or CPTSD). Leaves you numb. Originates from emotional trauma. Either a childhood of it, or being involved for too long with a really toxic narcissistic person for long enough. Depression is a symptom. Leaves you living days like you are trying to swim in treacle. Understanding CPTSD might be your way out.

[@ydonnay3145]

Buddy, I just saw this notification, Not able to listen to it all, but You are my FAVORITE person I never met in-person. You are needed here. I am.so glad that you are still fighting. Hang in there. Prayed for you.

[@East-Bound]

Ydonnay!!! Thank you for another amazing comment and flattered 🤩 These feelings suck, but learning how to fight to fight past them, and finally making parts of my life better

[@ydonnay3145]

@@East-Bound 😃😁😇

[@ydonnay3145]

@@East-Bound You are very welcome. Your video reminded me of a poem that I copied on poster board, and hung on my bedroom wall as a teenager by John Donne Holy Sonnet 10; Death be Not Proud. In retrospect I wondered how I found that sonnet. I remember that it struck me, at the time I did not understand its meaning. Read when you get a chance alone with an analysis. It is good stuff.

[@simona_ab]

MDD here, life is beautiful anyway. Hang in there, my friend. I'm serious. 👍🤜🤛

[@smoupnhoize]

I have wanted to die since early elementary school. I cannot say the thought has every really left. Some days it is stronger than others, but it is always there, at the very least lurking in the background. I don't know why I've alive. I ask myself often why I don't go through with suicide. While not the entire reason, I too want to believe there is more than suffering to experience, and want that experience. Maybe then, maybe then I can finally get that sleep I've wanted for all these years.

[@East-Bound]

This hits home, I'm sorry you've been dealing with these feelings for so long, one of the aspects that personally wears at me is how long I've felt this way. But even 3+ years pales to much of your life.

[@rosalindmoger6049]

To divulge such despondent intimate thoughts takes so much courage, not to mention the amount of effort and care I know you invested into this video, so thank you. Your compassionate conscientiousness is unbelievably heartwarming. I can relate to a lot of the feelings you expressed here, and it has helped ease some of my own emotional isolation 💖

[@IWillBeSaved]

I understand you. My long term relationship destroyed me. After all of my hard work. I understand you so much. Thank you for this video

[@gracemurrayart]

Such an accurate depiction of how suicidal ideation feels. "Or if I'm doomed to always be teetering onto relapsing into the worse I am capable of". You strike a wonderful balance between information and poetry.

[@East-Bound]

This is such an amazing compliment. I decided a long time ago that if I must talk about ugly things than I will attempt to do so beautifully ❤

[@FeesLittleWorld]

I'm not suicidal I just wanna die... I struggle with sucidal ideations every day and the coping mechanism I once used to distract myself from this deep wish have become problems on their own. One of the biggest struggles I have is the feeling of not being allowed to have these thoughts because I lack trauma. My life has been pretty good as a kid, I had a loving family, some friends, money was no problem and I was one of the best students. And still... I struggle with this death wish for such a long time. My anorexia was my way to slowly and painfully kill myself and it feels wrong that I survived. Some days I can't stop thinking that I kinda escaped my fate of dying. Actually I escaped it twice when I had a horrible accident in 2019. I feel like death is meant for me rather sooner than later and surviving was a mistake. But I also know that I can't kill myself (plus it isnt even that easy in Germany bc of strict laws and I don't want to traumatize some innocent people). I know that my death would hurt so many people and I love them so much more than myself. So I will keep suffering every day because I need to put them first. I can't let them go through more trauma than I already did due to my eating disorders. Sorry for the rant and for not explicitly referring to you Video, East, I just had to put this one out allthough I know it is selfish and not helpful at all

[@East-Bound]

"I feel like death is meant for me rather sooner than later and surviving was a mistake." this hit so deeply home for me Fee. Like I said in my video, I often wish I hadn't survived my overdose, because I would have been sparred so much suffering and since it was an accident it would have avoid the moral conundrums of deliberate suicide. One thing I want to touch on in your comment that would be insufferable would be not having a concert idea of why you want to end things. One of the few blessings of being traumatized is that it allows no ambiguity for the reasons behind craving death. So to not have that but still feel the same way would be so utterly exhausting and overwhelming. I am so sorry you're dealing with that Fee. Wishing you the best, always feel free to reach out ❤

[@eatplastic9133]

There must be a reason for you to feel that way. Even if you haven't found it yet your emotions are valid and it,s ok to feel that way. Buddha said that life is suffering and it is hard. Doesn't matter how many good things you have we would not evolve if we feel satisfied easily.

[@FeesLittleWorld]

@@eatplastic9133 That's a beautiful quote. The thing is life could be so easy for me. I can go to a great university and do not have to worry about money, I have a relatively understanding and supportive family, a few good friends, no trauma but a lot of mental health problems that seem to have no origin. I already tried to dig deep but I can't find anything that would justify my thoughts. I just feel so disconnected from myself and reality, most of the time I don't even feel a single thing, there is just a massive void inside of me and I try to fill it up with ... Food. Obviously that's not working lol. Almost everyday I feel like this void inside me turns into a black hole and consumes me completely and I wish that it actually did and consumed my body. The idea of turning into quantum particles and strings is so beautiful and peaceful to me. But since this is not possible I am looking for other ways to find this peace and calm. My mind keeps wandering for hours and hours around death and research about ways to die. I will probably go into a clinic soon and try to work on some of my issues but I feel like there is no point because I already was inpatient so many times and nothing helped

[@FeesLittleWorld]

@Nati At 4:30 I wish I could give you a hug rightnow. 🥺💕 Please don't invalidate yourself like that, I guess thinking one is not traumatized enough to justify the depression is just another voice of the depression. Maybe there wasn't this massive thing that happened in our lifes that made us crumble but many small things and hurtful moments that added up. Sometimes I think depression doesn't even have to be triggered by our past. In the end it doesn't matter how we got there cause it's the same horrible and overwhelming feeling we experience. I really do hope you are getting some help and have some people in your life that are there for you ❤️ if you feel like talking you can also DM me, insta is the same profile name

[@melmoon8412]

Today is another difficult day for me of wanting so bad to not be here. But I have more or less accepted this is my reality. This is what I have to deal with. Like you said, somedays it’s a whisper. My job plays a big role on how I feel. It’s very toxic but I cannot find something that pays as well. Besides that, I struggle with anxiety and that is a huge part as to why I do not want to go on. I’m 26 and every year proves to make it worse. If this is all life is and will be. I do not wish to go on. Once I lose my family I probably will finally give up.

[@East-Bound]

I want to express my sincere condolences that you are going through these emotions. It's such a dark and strange place to exist in and so incredibly draining. I want to genuinely wish you strength in overcoming this situation in life and finding the sense of happiness that is lacking in your life.

[@GlennHamblin]

Helping others will always help improve your mood and attitude! Thanks for the Video. It provides me with some insight to the suffering. Stay strong.

[@East-Bound]

Thank you for this comment Glenn. Trying to help others has been one of the few positive ways I’ve tried to bring many to my life

[@bellatindale3120]

Thanks for this video. I appreciate your honesty and your lack of self-pity. I hope you will find hope again. There is no life without hope. Things will get better eventually. Lots of love and positive thoughts from one of your fans. Please continue to he there for us and share your experience and wisdom with us !!

[@East-Bound]

I really appreciate this comment Bella. One thing I wanted to be so careful of in making this video was to not indulge in self-pity or melodrama. A great deal of what I've gone through could be put in unhelpful context of things like fairness, but ultimately, whether or not it was or was not fair, doesn't concern me much. At this point it's more factual than anything else. A quote I love is "It's not our fault awful thing happen to us, but it is our responsibility to deal with the consequences." I am so thankful for subs like you and I want you to know your comments mean so much to me. As a creator I am not entitled to anyone's time or thoughtful feedback, so when it is given to me I appreciate it deeply ❤

[@darrenjamesburnside]

If anyone needs someone to talk to or a friend, im here. I care about you and you are loved.

[@rachaeltramonte1849]

Thank you for sharing this video. You are brave. Dealing with the thoughts of suicide are exhausting. I would do anything at times to just disappear, to maybe have never existed at all. But......I would never leave my kids, so I know it's not even on the table. No matter how bad I feel my kids deserve a healthy mom. So I will continue to fight, I will continue to heal, I will do everything I can to not let the darkness overtake me. Love and light to all of you struggling with trauma, mental health, and thoughts that you would be better off dead. Keep fucking going. You are worthy.

[@rosiew8-fenn]

This took courage! You are so raw and yet vulnerable! We need you xx

[@East-Bound]

Thank you Rosie!

[@Poks639]

Honestly I used to be suicidal when I'm on my teen years till I got my therapy now I'm suffering amnesia so I can't sleep without drugs .. Thanks for sharing . And hang in there it will pass , now I'm listening people and giving advice as well

[@Nat-yp4jp]

Sometimes I feel like you read my mind. You always upload videos about the most taboo stuff that I always think of but don't really speak of. I'm so happy thats you're here.

[@dsabo6426]

The world needs people like you. We need you. Please try every possible remedy before taking a final step. Even try the hokey ones. You never know, it may work for you.

[@East-Bound]

Hey D Sabo, the concept of trying everything possible goes into the strange promise I made that has kept me alive. Which is the subject of my next video on this topic.

[@dsabo6426]

@@East-Bound Yay! Sorry if you said this in the video. I could not watch, too triggering for me. I will watch the stuff you try. I have tried all kinds of things. For some reason the one that is foremost in my mind is this light visor thing. It is just so low risk, so WTH, try it!

[@dsabo6426]

Also, I just want to add that I am a parent. As a parent I am very confident that your father does not blame you. Furthermore, as a parent, I can clearly see that he would be EXTREMELY proud of the person you are.

[@crisqr16]

Still in the middle of the video. Just wanted to address some points while I watch this: Categorization and white/black thoughts are irrational. They might feel like truth but they're just opinions based on your judgement. Feeling/thinking you're evil because you had mistakes and wronged loved ones is one of those categorizations: I do bad, therefore I am bad. But in fact, the only thing true here is that you did wrong. Does doing wrong make you a bad person, when you're trying to do right as for now? I doubt it. So what are you? You're both. You're human. You can get wrong. Mistakes are just that: errors. We all have those to stain our lifes. But what makes us bigger are the things we do to overcome them and compensate. Having wronged people and yourself doesn't mean you're a human trash: you're a regular, flawed person that (as far as I can see) is way into ethics and doing good, who feels overly responsible for what he does, which is, by no means, an evil person trait. Have that in mind. And this too: EDs come with idealization of perfection, and mistakes are far from perfection. Therefore, if you are mistaken, you're wrong. Which is by no means the reality: it's not white-black altogether, it has a lot of grays. You'll want to see tiny errors as deadly, when they're just that: mistaken deeds that can be cured by future actions- and in death, Chris, you cannot. In death you cut off all the chances to make things right and be at peace. I am very sorry to hear you in despair and hopelessness. I do because I feel exactly the same most of the time. I am under three different antidepressants and still find it hard to stay alive, and moreof now with all things going so wrong in the world and in my country. So I know, and I'm very sure loads of people know that life is unfair. Life is hard. Being alive is mostly uncomfortable and unpleasant, a burden if you please. We gotta attend this body of ours to begin with, and all its needs, and we gotta interact with other subjects that are as flawed as we are. But you have a good thing here: you're conscious. You know yourself and want to change things. And that, Chris, is the best of the starts to be able to get a glimpse of the beauty life also has to give. Because, again, it's not white and black. It's a lot of colors in between. As long as you have life, you have chances. You have opportunities to change things. Life isn't linear: it looks like an EKG, with ups and downs. That means that it might change at any moment. Yeah, some parts of it are longer than others, sometimes the ups are not as high and sometimes the dull parts are too hard to change. But that doesn't mean there's no possibility to change. There is, as long as you're alive. Because when alive, you can do things, influence and think. It sounds really good to be able to only sleep and not having to struggle. I know that firsthand. It's like when you arrive tired from a day at work and the only thing you want to do is to chill on your bed. Life is exhausting. But that doesn't mean it's not worth it. Despite all the tiredness, you can achieve amazing things- you're doing so just now, by sharing these complex, human thoughts and feelings. I admire you for doing so, because it's exactly what I want to do with my own struggles- to change them into something that can guide or help others. So, so far you might "feel" like a waste of space and resources, and it's totally comprehensible because you still may have not forgotten some things you did. But you're changing that. And you'll only be able to do so if you stay alive. I can't help but be impatient to see the man you'll become. Send you love.

[@juliemama]

EXCELLENT.

[@cosmicflair]

Brilliant! 👏👏👏 Well said my friend!

[@sweetluvgurl]

Cris QR Yeah, some key things he was saying made me wonder if he has BPD with his way of thinking and stuff, especially with calling himself evil. Unfortunately, society is no better. People are so judgmental nowadays and quick to write people off as horrible for different things. A lot of things come from mental illness. It shouldn’t make someone horrible for something they struggle to control and can’t help at times. That’s why I don’t like a lot of people and keep to myself.

[@NB123-k7y]

Thank you soo much I really needed to realize that ❤️you made my day a little better and I really appreciate that,😊❤❤

[@piasuzan]

I just wanna end the life that I have to live. But sometimes it feels like there's no escape and so the conclusion is to end the life I live right now, which means ending myself. I wanna believe there's a chance to change my life but so many things drag me down and pull me back a d the most important factor in life (no matter how hard you try) is luck. I don't like people who say it only depends on talent and your energy you put into things you want. No it's also a shit ton of luck and I'm young, I can wait for luck but sometimes I'm just tired of giving all this energy I don't have. I hope you stay strong Christopher, we need you.

[@c12486]

There absolutely are endless chances for our lives and our selves to change. I hope you can get some rest and eventually find new strength to do what you need. Amazing job so far. There's plenty of time.

[@piasuzan]

@@c12486 thank you so much Clare for your comment back!

[@East-Bound]

Your comment reminds me of a caption I have on a photo from my time in San Francisco: "In my time in SF I saw some of the best and worst of humanity. Marvelous feats of engineering and city planning intermixed with some of the most heartbreaking, abject homelessness/drug use I’ve witnessed. A harsh & beautiful reminder that life is a two-sided coin. Which side you fall on is a combination of luck of circumstances and the effort you put into creating better outcomes for yourself." As the recipient of both horrible luck intermixed with the consequences of awful choices. I too have mixed feelings on the nature of luck and also believe shitty luck is so hard to fight against

[@piasuzan]

@@East-Bound you're right, this sounds familiar I can not agree more with you. And I like the idea with the coin. Sadly it's true, the coin gets flipped and what side you end up on is just luck. Maybe with intelligence and a little bit of luck and a lot of hard work, you can switch the coin.. But it's so hard and idk.. It's sometimes so confusing why some people have good luck all the time and then for example me, I had bad luck a lot in my life.. I hope we can turn the coin around! Thank you for your answer to my comment. Sending you lots of love

[@changeophilll9402]

I see you and I hear you, East. Your feelings are valid and so are you. I hope that you remember how valuable you are to your family, friends and this wholesome community!

[@paulallen6336]

Thank you for sharing. Sometimes hearing how we aren’t alone can definitely help. So myself with bad depression and anxiety. . .I also used drugs and alcohol to cope and help me stay alive for well over a decade. However, this culminated for me in an addiction to heroin. Stayed in Jails, Rehabs, Hospitals, and have been homeless many times over, I have lost myself while trying to save myself. I want to get sober, but now I can’t even remember why. I’m 31, no career path, or kids. I can’t even remember what my job interests are/were. Nor do even know what I am eligible for, career wise now, being that I have felony drug possessions on my record. Would be nice to have my own family, with a career, a little house, with a kid or two. But I know having a family would be selfish of me now until I get well. I just don’t know how to go about changing this situation. I know many have chosen to end their own life with far more favorable situations than I. That gives me a little hope, because if a celebrity can end their own life, while I haven’t yet, then I must be kinda tough I guess. Anyways, thanks for reading. I hope we all can make it to the otherside of our own struggles, so that we can be someone else’s hero. Stay well.

[@East-Bound]

I am sorry to hear that Paul. In the darkest parts of my depression I always made sure to stay away from Opioids. When I was younger I got addicted to Vicodin and then Percocet because I broke my collar bone twice. That addiction in my teens taught me how dangerous numbing depressants were for me. I knew if I started taking Opioids during my darkest depression I was going to fall into a far more dark place. I instead abused drugs like Ritalin, Adderall, and Molly. Which ironically only made the sober periods far harder to deal with. I was lucky to never get caught or in trouble, despite all the risks I took. I'm sorry to hear that your past is haunting you in the way it is. I hope you find a way to triumph Paul.

[@CaptainSuppy]

Past two years have have been difficult, frequent thoughts of very specific suicide scenarios running thru my head and sending me into multiple day long spirals. Used everything to fill the void and distract me from drugs, sex, gambling, but nothing actually changed how I horrible I felt about myself. I live a pointless existence. The problem is it feels like you are your own quick sand, constantly self sabotaging and then in response self hating and self harming for having fucked up everything once again. I’m happy to have watched this, just hearing someone repeat my own feelings back to me is very powerful. Thank you

[@East-Bound]

I am deeply sorry you relate to the feeling is this video. They are violent, intense, and unbearable: which says a great deal about your own experiences. I relate so much to what you so beautifully put: "The problem is it feels like you are your own quick sand". For so long I tried to pigeonhole myself into suicide by ruining ever single thing in my life and making it as unbearable as I could. But no matter how hard I tried I could never fully commit. I was always haunted by the constant thought at how I haven't ever truly tried to make my life better. It sounds like you are in a vicious cycle and if so that cycle is a brutal thing to break, but it is possible. I know for me, being told such things made me angry and resentful because it meant I had to face such difficult truths and bear even more suffering. But still, I think we all posses the ability to climb from the pits of our own personal hell. Wishing you the sincerest of strength CaptianSuppy.

[@janellebutner72]

I was raised in a dirty, hoarded house by two alcoholics that hated each other. I was neglected, physically and emotionally abused. I had to watch my mother devolve over the years into a narcissistic, anorexic alcoholic. I had to watch her slowly die. I fought like hell to escape. My therapists tell me that I am an anomaly by not only still being alive and not an addict myself but also being a successful and somewhat functional human being. That came at the price of my mental illnesses- PTSD, anxiety, depression, ADHD. But I kept going, because that's all I knew how to do. I found my therapists' comments strange- as if I was going to allow myself to be stopped by the abuse, or by my mom's death, or by the sexual assault, or by finding my boyfriend dead on my floor. The idea of that seemed to foreign to me. Even in my worst times I knew I would persevere because that's what I do best. "This too shall pass" and all that. The breaking point came last summer. Working at hospitals is emotionally exhausting but so much worse during COVID. I did everything right- self isolated from my loved ones for more than seven months. The shit pay, the burn out, the constant stress...As long as I can keep my loved ones safe, it'll all be worth it, I thought. Then my brother was killed by a drunk driver. And that is what finally tipped the scale. Now I get it. Here, right here is the spot where I want to curl up into a ball and say "No more. I've had enough of life, I've had my fill. The heartache outweighs the happiness and I don't want to keep doing this anymore." I'm 35 and while others my age may think "Oh man my life is already halfway over" I can't help but to think "I still may have another 35 years to go? FUCK." But yet...I'm still here. I can't bring myself to end my life. It's likely the leftover Catholic guilt of being told I'll go to hell. The fear of there being nothing after this life. The fear of never seeing my loved ones ever again. The fear of causing more pain to my family. My desire to keep doing my job to help others and provide some comfort to them even if I cannot obtain any myself. The small voice of hope inside of me that says "Maybe it'll get better. Maybe it'll hurt less someday." That voice of tenacity is a bitch sometimes. But my soul feels so heavy, as if I'm a hundred years old already. The facade of being okay is becoming more and more difficult to keep up in front of others. I don't think I can fool myself anymore. There's no right or wrong reasons, in my opinion. And life isn't fair, we are owed nothing. There is no cosmic/karmic balance. It's a struggle to accept sometimes still, but when you are able to it is almost liberating in a strange sense. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in these types of thoughts, and I am glad that you posted this. (sorry for the long post.)

[@-itsnoora-5533]

You don't understand the amount of people you are helping by just speaking about it. Hang in there and take care

[@karmakameleon113]

Hi Chris, new subbie here. I just want to start by saying thank you for this video- I feel that it's ABSOLUTELY needed and is valuable to many people, including myself. Now for why this video is important to me: I tried to commit suicide in 2014, which obviously failed. You touched on what saved me, towards the end of it (or this is my take on it, anyway): curiosity. It's not even hope- hope left the chat a long time ago. After my attempt failed I was exhausted in every possible way, to the point where I didn't even have the energy to try again. I kind of moved into a place of passive acceptance, total defeat. I told myself life sucks, it's always sucked and it'll forever continue to suck more often than not. Life is unfair, life will never be fair, nothing happens "for a reason", everything is random and senseless... 2 things happened while I was immersed in these mantras of life being unfair, random and senseless; firstly, I came to the awareness that the abuse I'd suffered from others my whole life wasn't my fault and that I hadn't done anything to deserve it (because life is unfair, random and senseless). And secondly, the thought crept into my brain that if life was able to "make" all of these traumatic things happen to me for no good or apparent reason then maybe, just maybe it might be able to randomly "make" wonderful, amazing things happen for no good or apparent reason too. Don't get me wrong, I still feel that I'd rather not be here. Sadly, the moments of contentment/positive experiences in my life have not and still don't outweigh or mitigate the trauma and pain I previously have and still do experience. I wake up everyday with this mixed feeling of numbness and dread, like "Oh god, why am I still here? I have to do this shit all over again today?!". The difference now (and the reason I'm still here) is because I'm curious to see IF life can get better, and if so, how much better. I can already tell you that life's unpleasant, so what's next? It's like I've issued life a challenge and am waiting (but not expecting) for it to take me up on it. I won't know unless I stick around to find out though, and (bringing this full circle) that's the strongest message that I got from this video.

[@moenicym9606]

I am truly thankful for you to open up about such a difficult topic! I was worried about watching it out of fear to be triggered, but the opposite was the case. Your compassion for others is so genuine and I hope you can feel our compassion for you in return.

[@emcustard]

I had a friend in high school who sent a goodbye message. Immediately, my other friends and I were reaching out to each other to see how many people he sent the message to. Several of them sent him texts while I called him and asked what was going on, and he told us not to get anyone involved. Naturally, I went to his school counselor as soon as I got to school and told her my concerns, and that I wanted to remain anonymous. I was sent to my counselor's room while we talked about how I was feeling, and he was called in to talk to his counselor. It's been four years since then, and I'm not friends with him anymore (we just grew apart), but he is alive and doing better mentally.

[@123455866201Aaron]

If he hates you, at least he's here to hate you. You did the right thing, I'm proud of you.

[@PeterAct2]

Oh man. That thing he said about overcoming hardships, only to be greeted with even worse suffering and hardship… That completely resonates with me. It’s that sense of hopelessness that the trajectory of life is just toward the worse. For me, this thought manifests as “I’m not getting any younger,“ meaning my tools, resources and resilience are diminishing with age, and if I barely survived hardship in the past, I pretty much stand no chance of surviving it in the future. So what’s the point? Yet, I am still here. Somehow.

[@iqxdc1693]

I cant feel emotion as normal people do which i have came to realise. I only tonight found the only fear i have which is everyone around me growing old and things changing. I just want to be gone and not have to go through the sorrows of losing a loved one in the future. I currently live with my grandma and know her time is coming. I feel if i die before i wont have to carry the burden of her disappearance from this world. People tell me what i plan on doing after high school and i dont even know because i am not planning on living that long. I cant talk to no therapist because i am not good with talking with others. I guess i am just a coward

[@micaylelewis7260]

I needed this today, my friend. To listen to you and to read all these comments has made me feel a little less alone. 💛

[@AnitaCunhal]

You are really one of a kind, keep sharing your thoughts and feelings, it's amazing how well you can put them in words, thank you for what you're doing. 🙏💝

[@East-Bound]

Thank you so much Anita!

[@hoodaticus]

To change into something new, hate something old, while loving the you who now stands between the two.

[@paigepdx6547]

To be - keep going because your life and story has a greater purpose that is still unfolding

[@davilisboa1243]

living is getting harder 😞

[@deficator750]

i just want the pain to stop, i fcked up my life. Starting over... i don't have the energy.

[@klanderkal]

Word for word. I feel the same. It's devastating when it's all over, .. was my fault... and you can't get back what you lost, or ruined. Depression debilitates you, and anxiety, insomnia cripples you. ..... I know it's over...

[@deficator750]

@@klanderkal exactly man. i had everything when i was 30, fucking lost it all few months ago. Almost lost my job, lost my house, lost all my money, in huge debt, my credit score is destroyed. Im slowly recovering. Everything i worked for gone. Im 33 and have to start over.

[@klanderkal]

@deficator750 That really sucks... I know the how complicated and downwardly frustrating and that is... Glad you still have the job.! That's where I lost it. I didn't realize how important, just having a job was. It was my structure, purpose etc... I had 20yrs.. and I blew it. I'm 62... with nothing now. I have so much heartbreak, grief, regret and guilt. The anxiety of having lost everything I had, my future I planned wiped out. I fell into severe depression. There's nothing worse than this..... it's horrifying. Hang in there. Keep that job. It will take awhile... it will be ruff... I hope everything works out for you, and situations get better..! 🫶👍

[@asheranna]

Life is tragic for the majority of us. We struggle like Sisyphus feeling like we are pushing that big boulder up the hill every day. It's rough, and it's easy to fall into the same abuse again. The best we can do is cope, learn from our trauma, and be better than we were the day before.

[@East-Bound]

Sisyphus and his rock are a good set of imagery to draw upon. The burden of a repeated and arduous daily task of pushing ourselves and our baggage uphill. I appreciate your thoughtful comment Asheranna.

[@ronnie-lynn]

As someone with chronic pain, chronic migraines and a brain tumor that isn’t cancerous but is in the part of my brain that damaged my sensory system. Can’t smell, taste, or see very well. Along with so many other symptoms that I’m exhausted thinking about how I’m going to make it a day living with such a low quality of life! 😔 I don’t want to live like this but I won’t end it. Wish I could but I can’t

[@doxydad2818]

I wish you the will to fight day by day Roxy. My sister lives with some of your challenges, so I know it can be daunting and all consuming. It's been years for her & she somehow finds joy in each day. All of us that love her & need her, are grateful she hasn't given up. Bless you 💙

[@voiceofomiej7722]

Zrozumiale

[@samanthaevans3615]

"I'm not sure there even is another side to this". This is largely true. All of these feelings and emotions have altered the way our brains work. Despite all of the pain and evidence to the contrary, I think there is a certain muscle memory to being alive. I think there is strength to acknowledging that being pulled in one direction or another will ebb and flow naturally over the course of one's life. To say there is "another side" will only sow disappointment in one's self when faced with those dark thoughts that came so many times before. Learning to coexist, to fold it into one's identity is essential to living, as someone who has survived an attempt myself. I'm glad you're still here. All the best.

[@East-Bound]

There's undoubtedly a lot of truth to this. The beautiful and tragic nature of our brain's ability to develop subconscious mechanisms to protect itself. I'm torn by the idea you put forth. I don't fundamentally disagree, but it still bothers me partially. Probably because it seems like a concession, even if it's a realistic and healthy concession. Regardless, thank you for this thought-provoking comment and I'm happy to hear you survived your attempt!

[@samanthaevans3615]

@@East-Bound Sometimes life in about concessions. I don't think about it in a bad way (most of the time lol) I know that I'm going to have rough spots - the key for me is having my support system and not insulating myself when it happens. Bit of preventative work as the case may be. It doesn't make the hard days/months/years any less hard, but at least I'm more ready to fight em.

[@mamie6820]

. Your life already has so much meaning and inspiration for so many. By fighting and encouraging others to fight I pray you will be freed of the tormenting thoughts and find an exciting will to live.

[@JustEnufEyes]

Another great video. Thanks for shedding light on this topic 🙏🏻

[@hoodybaker8249]

I've always thought of depression as a nagging bug eating at the back of your brain slowly diluting you. I myself have felt it, but as you said youre stubborn and strong and when your at your lowest of lows I pray you never lose that fight in you . You are not alone someone is clearly watching out for you by hearing your story and...even if you don't believe.when it all feels hopeless remember ...you are not alone I would also say as for me music is very healing . one song in particular that helped when I was struggling was Timshel by munford and son so maybe give it a listen . I know music is subjective and all but it helped me .

[@jacobgillette7656]

thank you for this bro. knowing theres a person that feels the same as you and theyre still pushing helps a lot. love your videos brother

[@DarkAngelJojo]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences and discussing this heavy but so, so important topic! As someone who is very familiar with such thoughts and wishes, it made me feel less alone in this! Much love ❤️ and hang in there! ❤️❤️

[@DiscoveryWonders]

I know it's heavy, and it takes pain and time, but pain comes with an option of acceptance of pain.. and if that ironically is a path of letting go of it ... freeing self of it... .. and this video is sort of a sign of you accepting the pain. I believe, that the numbness you experience currently is a form of enlightenment and a painful transformation from your heavy cocoon into a beautiful butterfly. This journaling video is literally you breaking out of that cocoon. Your life matters A LOT. And this video is inspiring to many to look at themselves and see what is their path of self acceptance, acceptance of pain and letting go of pain and self judgement ... What is next for all of us is the ultimate self love and self care... Not trying to be anyone's savior any more, but becoming a lover of own life and own best friend. Rewiring own mind so the body is safe is an ups and downs process but it's absolutely possible. Sending love.

[@East-Bound]

I agree with a bunch of your points. Specifically about the concept of the enlightenment that comes with trauma. That awakening is both to your true beauty and your true ugly. The gift and the burden of trauma is that is suddenly gives you the ability to become or transformed into something far better, but also just as equally can lead to you becoming something far worse. Thank you for your thought provoking comment Paulina!

[@emilyl7445]

have been watching your videos for a while now and seriously love and respect all of your content but wow this one felt like a punch in the gut (in a good way). never been able to articulate how i feel but the feeling ill never be the person i want to be is unbearable sometimes, and the sense that my fate is already sealed its just a matter of time can be overwhelming. thank you for making this im sure it wasnt easy, it is so appreciated ❤️

[@ayob7384]

OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS. thank you for sharing your struggle in present tense. I too am so tired of being depressed, having suicidal thoughts, withdrawal, never getting anything done - it’s exhausting. Thank you for validating me and being the reason I keep going today ❤️

[@Feber2001]

I want to stop feeling this heartbreak and grief. I just want to go and be at peace

[@East-Bound]

I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing so much pain Feber. It is a dark and lonely place to exist in. I am wishing you strength and solace

[@gurwindersingharts]

I actually realised that I'm not enough I'm bad at everything specially money don't have love is not something existe me anymore just want to end everything thing i don't want anything i don't feel art anymore the way I do

[@ozarxcottontop]

To not be is the true state of being for we know not what eternity holds ... If only it were so simple - sleep for me is a constant nightmare state ... That doesn't seem as an escape but a perpetual Hell .... I nearly overdosed once and as I lay in the ER with them attempting to pump my stomach... Everyone's voice was growing further and further away ... It was then the Dr later hands on me and started to Prayer over me and as his heart reached out to God for mercy his voice become closer & closer until my eyes open ... He stood there in tears .... I can't explain it but I will not question I just strive to be mindful of my negative thoughts & turn them into a positive... Bless you dear

[@East-Bound]

My near death experience was different, I never saw anyone, just heard a voice. Interesting enough I do have a similar experience when I met what I call higher self.

[@Mettigel420]

I'm so glad you're alive. Talking so openly and self reflected about your struggles with suicidal ideation is really brave. Your acting of the excerpt from Hamlet was incredible and fit perfectly into this video. You managed to put into words what you, I and many other people are experiencing and it's so hard to express how you feel to people sometimes because they just don't get this other feeling of exhaustion. Maybe I'll always walk around with this little gargoyle on my shoulder that's nagging me to jump in front of the next vehicle I see on the street, but the future is the future and it might have some very good moments of personal peace in store for us. Thank you for being here and I wish you a good day!

[@East-Bound]

Thank you so much for this lovely comment Henry. I'm sorry you relate to this feeling, but I have that peace from suffering can be found amongst the living. Wishing you the best and I appreciate your support ❤

[@kajsmit4177]

I just want to end this feeling of sadness and emptiness

[@Gabriela-pw7pn]

I have felt suicidal for longer than i can remember. This thing has grown with me, changed as i have over the years, but i could always identify the reasons as being internal. Now, times being what they are, it's a new kind of despair and hopelessness that i can't articulate or deal with, and i feel more in danger than before. The future actually does look bleak, and not living trough it seems just... rational.

[@East-Bound]

Gabriela, your comment hits so close to home especially you describing the way it has changed and grown with you. I'm wishing you the sincerest luck at overcoming what haunts you!

[@shekirashekira]

This topic was articulated very well. I wonder if this is something psychologists are diving deeper into. I'm someone who never had suicidal ideation/thoughts. Thus, I guess I'm the opposite of what you're experiencing. I never seen the worse of me, just theoretical. Yet interestingly, I never seen the best of me either. I guess that's where it truly lies, those who've put their "evil" side in action vs those who haven't. I'm not putting evil in quotes to lessen your experiences. Instead I'm putting it in quotes because I think this is another point in why I never had suicidal ideation, because I see those evil actions as human. Therefore it's evil but also very much human and to some extent common and helps me normalize it. Or maybe help me "get over" any evil destruction I've did. (I could write so much more, but I don't want to turn this comment into a 5 page essay) Btw, I'm glad you're stubborn and decide to keep fighting. I doubt this will help but, you're helping so many people with your videos, that alone hopefully gives you, even if it's only a slither, of hope that the shadowy figure/ higher self you know little of, is there and is slowly probing through. He's not just theoretical, at least not for me. A question I do want to ponder on is while you struggle to embody your higherself, why that hasn't had any affects on you getting closer to overcome your suicidal ideation? Once again, thank-you for such a well spoken video. It definitely gives me some deep thoughts and help me navigate my life in such a way that I don't fall into the same place you're at. I've definitely had struggles and moment of sadness/depression where I was okay with dying (I didn't want to die but if it happened I wouldn't have cared) BUT that was due to what was happening to me, not what I did. Therefore once that unfortunate event was over my depression left too.

[@shekirashekira]

Please ignore any spelling or grammer mistakes. I'm writing on my phone and for some reason when I'm on my phone I get dumber lmao.

[@East-Bound]

I think you touch on some interesting points. This interplay between awareness of both sides of you. Whether or not we all possess the capability to act Evil matters little when the individual stills sees that as theoretical. It allows the mind to hold onto thoughts like "I would act differently given the same circumstances", and perhaps you would. But once you've allowed yourself to slip into the worst of yourself those illusions shatter, or perhaps it's better to say that it becomes a reality to contend with. But then you bring up another good point about never seeing the "best" version of yourself. One thing I constantly think about is whether the awareness of what I call my higher self could have been found in the isolation from my trauma? I'm not entirely sure to be honest. But then this gets into grey areas like is my higher self merely a coping mechanism to deal with the awful things I've participated in... and the more I think about it the more it becomes a rabbit hole haha As always thank you for a lovely and insightful comment!

[@erinrose14]

Hey Chris, love your content and hope you're around for a long time. Praying God heals you 💚

[@TheInnerPact]

7:08 this is what I really long for, never the need to wake up again and do the same over again for no reason. This world is obviously irreversibly broken. I love my kids and I wish I didn’t need to stay but I will for them because their Dad already left us. God gave me life and he will take it.

[@jvsietruong]

There's just not enough words to shower your content with the compliments it deserves. Thank you as always for putting hard conversations in such an eloquent, respectful and thoughtful manner. I hope that my response will elicit at least one of those variables. I'd like to share my thoughts/hypothesis on "why things haven't gotten better": I think you lack forgiveness. Forgiveness for yourself. Your past self in specific. Not any easy feat by any means, but. It is commonly said that often people experience a loss of self or their own identity when their romantic relationship comes to an end. I think, a part of you died when that relationship ended and despite acknowledging your emotional awareness, you haven't given yourself forgiveness or closure for what had happened. I understand that you feel the need to hold yourself accountable for your wrongdoings to your love(d) ones, but at the same time it is valid for you to accept that "turning into that evil Christopher" was the only suitable coping mechanism you had to keep moving forward. There was no better or greater option at the time. Hindsight is always 20/20. Sorry if I'm wrong, I could write a whole analysis in an email if you prefer, but I also assumed as such on the basis of your self-critical nature. I can only imagine how hard it is to offer forgiveness for yourself while also being challenged simultaneously with thoughts of believing that "you are wasting your potential". Nevertheless, please remember that you are not alone and I wish you luck on your journey as always.

[@East-Bound]

You nailed it on the head haha. Forgiveness of self is such a hard for me. Self-love and Self Forgiveness are filled with what I call the Paradoxes of Self-Love. Lol of course something I've been working on and will one day make a video about it. Also, it's a bit challenging because in terms of forgiveness there is one aspect that I can't currently publicly share on KZbin. There are particular aspects to the trauma I went through that really drove home the creation of my so-called "Evil" or "Bad" self. So, as a viewer, it's hard to fully understand, because I, unfortunately, can't give you the full picture. But I think a great point you bring up is the death of the conception of self from a relationship. This was a huge thing I had to deal with. For the most part, I have overcome this, but as the video discusses, the far harder death was the metaphorical death of innocence, ignorance, and who I "was".

[@jvsietruong]

@@East-Bound I know it's going to be remarkably hard to believe, but whatever you did, despite what you think- you deserve to forgive yourself for it. It won't happen all at once, there will be times where you turn and toss and cringe at your terror; and you WILL feel guilty. But you won't have to give into that guilt forever. I think you'll be able to forgive when you truly acknowledge that you did the *best* you could. The best isn't always right, nor is it always wrong, but it simply just is.

[@pioguzman3805]

Chris, you are absolutely amazing Human being! You said it, you are stubborn, now dig in on the reasons why? But as humans we all are afraid of the unknown and finding a reason to keep fighting. As a burn survivor,sexual abuse, eating disorders, and drug addiction, And suicide attempt in my teenage years. Life is beautiful and amazing, we just have to be grateful and thankful for all of the blessings we are able to receive day to day. Most importantly we need to forgive ourselves for what we did or couldn’t do. Forgiveness opens so many blessings so many doors 🚪 and a beautiful ray of light 💡 in to ours life and the ones around us.

[@East-Bound]

A lovely and vulnerable comment as always Pio. I have a lot of admiration for your spirit, as it is obvious it's been tested so severely. Forgiveness of self is a profoundly hard thing, but working on it.

[@tori.sargent]

Thank you for your strength to talk about this topic. You never cease to amaze me the way you speak about hard topics such as these. You're a beautiful soul snd I truly wish you never lose this battle. The world needs more people like you in it ❤

[@East-Bound]

Such a profoundly kind comment Tori. I try my best to talk about these things ethical and with care ❤️

[@PsycheandButterfly]

I feel called to leave a comment here, even though I often think to leave one but don't. Today is the first time I have knowingly come across your KZbin channel as this video was recommended to me, perhaps purposefully? To my knowledge, I have not been seeking out videos like this lately, so the spiritual side of me wants to think that sometimes we are led to people and things for a greater purpose. I sometimes ignore my recommended videos, but I immediately felt the need to click on this one. I don't have a lot more to say and won't go into my personal history with this very topic here. Still, in short, it has been a rough week/day, and I just wanted to say that sometimes this is exactly what people like myself need to feel less alone, so thank you for your authenticity! Lastly, I know I'm just a stranger on the internet. And it might seem weird for me to say it, but if you ever felt called to reach out to someone new beyond your circle who can relate to some of the things you share or you feel like you resonate with the comment - please, don't hesitate to drop me a message here or reply to this comment. I honestly feel like there are people on the internet who get me more than people in my immediate reality. Finally, I have an understanding of your existential struggles, but let's try and stick around together!

[@East-Bound]

Thank you for this amazing comment PsycheandButterfly x. I agree with your point about the internet sometimes understanding me better than those in my reality. I am luckily to always have at least one friend that deeply understands my struggles, but the vast majority of people in my life either don't get it or for their own reasons can't actively talk about it without getting upset (which of course is valid). Ever since I started my channel and started gaining subs I have had countless people that reach out about their own shocking similar stories. I'll definitely take you up on your offer if there comes a moment I take to vent, the offer is extended to you as well!

[@PsycheandButterfly]

You're very welcome, @@East-Bound. And thank you for taking the time to reply so thoughtfully! It can be somewhat rare for people to respond with as much thought if they respond at all, so thank you for that. I agree. For all that's problematic with the internet, it is matched by some kind of "invisible" community of kind people who share something of substance and purpose with you and me. I always think of an Albert Einstein quote that kind of sums it up for me: “Although I am a typical loner in my daily life, my awareness of belonging to the invisible community of those who strive for truth, beauty, and justice has prevented me from feelings of isolation.” I am almost certain that you can nearly always find a friend on the internet somewhere who will empathise with you because they genuinely want to, and this shows us that human nature does cultivate some selfless goodness in some of us. As you say, offline, people may be more familiar with you as a family member and whatnot, and this makes certain things harder to accept/discuss, or statistically, you are less likely to find your like-minded “tribe.” You will find many of us who often quietly share our existential struggles, and I'm sure your channel will continue to grow and expand, and more will find themselves here. Hence, why online spaces like yours are important. That would be nice, and thank you for extending that! You're always welcome to reach out again - anytime. Best wishes!

[@ResourcefulNomad]

I hate the world and especially what it’s become. I want to leave it.

[@BEACHDUDE71]

I understand

[@elliewoolsworth4948]

I’m a little late in commenting but I just wanted to sincerely thank you for making this video and your other videos. I’m certain that you’re helping (and already have helped) so many people. You are making a difference in the world and you matter. I hope things get better and I’ll be praying for you! 💜

[@sbmadiko]

This video is powerful. Have thought about it all day. I hear your pain.

[@East-Bound]

Hopefully not in a bad way ❤

[@sbmadiko]

@@East-Bound Definitely not in a bad way. Your honesty is well spoken, very brave, and touching. I wish you could hear yourself from the outside then maybe you could give yourself some forgiveness. I have truly no idea what you've done but I do hear a man who is repenting. I hear a good man. You have a purpose. This, talking, sharing your experience is 1 of your purposes. Your voice is important! Their are many reasons why you survived. The world does need you!

[@manudehanoi]

Hey man, life is tough for smart people before 40. You gotta grind your way to success, the target seems too long and far, but just the knowledge of being on the way brings a lot of comfort. Once you know you're in the right path, however far the destination, once you found your place in the cosmos (as the greek phislosophers incite you to do) I promise things get exciting. Oh and people lie all the time, including girls, beware. If everything feel like dull shit, try new things. If I may, childhood dreams help a lot for a while, try hard remembering them.

[@East-Bound]

Ah yes, I draw a lot of inspiration for the Greek idea of eudaimonia, or chasing purest form of happiness.

[@manudehanoi]

@@East-Bound As I understand the greek happiness relies on 3 elements: - no fears (death,phobias....) -carpe diem (more like keeping past and future in their appropriate place) -.....and find your place in the cosmos (and society). That last one was very important to me. You dont get valued if you run the wrong competitions..... As for death, why the rush ? It will come, rest assured. Let's try to make the world a better place than we found it berfore we leave it....and have fun in the process.

[@angelmaze30]

I love you, Christopher. ❤

[@East-Bound]

😭😭😭

[@aris5659]

I will fight too. Thank you for all of these videos and words you give people like us.

[@East-Bound]

Of course! I want others to know they're not alone in their struggles with depression and suicide, and that they shouldn't be ashamed of their mental health issues!

[@aris5659]

@@East-Bound 🥺 thank you! I sent a dm on ig @hlthjurny just never thought you’d see my comment

[@susanstuckmeyer4857]

Thank you for this. We need to be able to have these open, honest conversations about this. I never talked to anyone when I was going through this, because I knew the response would just be, "No, don't do it, you have so much to live for!", etc., the usual platitudes. (Not to say that's bad, sometimes people do just need to know that they are loved and would be missed, it just wasn't what I needed.) There's such a taboo around this subject, and it's a shame, because sometimes just being able to talk about how you feel in an open manner without judgment can do so much towards helping you overcome those feelings. For me, knowing I couldn't talk to anyone, I just had to give myself permission that if it got so bad that I just couldn't take it anymore, I would allow myself to follow through with no judgment FROM MYSELF. And for me, that was enough and I've been free of those thoughts for two years. Not to say they won't come back, but at least it's been a nice reprieve.

[@East-Bound]

Thank you for this vulnerable comment Susan. I agree with your points about the taboo nature of discussing this topic. Often those that are suicidal have to face unhelpful positivity, judgement, awkwardness, and/or people making things worse. In general, a part of my channel is to work on discussing difficult topics in a way that is honest and ethical. Conversations like these are so important. I'm happy to hear you've survived your suicidal period!

[@jabzcreations]

Good video because it hits close to home, I've been like this for at least 10 years maybe more. many attempts and even now i'm going through the same thing. It brings me to this video, every day I've been waking up with my mind and body telling me to end me, that i'm heavy, tired and just plain "done" I want peace. thats it. Thanks for your video,

[@Knighttus]

Brother I’ve lost both of parents, I’ve been battling demons daily for so long, how do cop with it I look around me and see people in worst situations, just go to a hospital and watch the real struggle of cancer patients, I know it’s hard on you brother and if I was in your position I would move to a new country and see if that helps, and btw you’re a good looking young man there’s so much good you can give and get from this life, you’re a warrior stand firm and you’ll eventually be rewarded.

[@sophiachavez1296]

My wife Sophia just passed and I want to be with her. I’m trying to keep a connection with god because I want to be with her and my family.