Why We're Not Finding Out Our Baby's "Gender"

[@Paradise2111]

The stat about intersex people being born almost as often as twins or people with red hair was super interesting! I had no frame of reference for how common being intersex is so that was a great way to understand it 👏

[@JK-dv3qe]

sounds sus AF

[@jlbeeen]

I'd love to get tested as there are so many forms and I do have some things that don't put me in either box, with my body type, as well as hormone issues. I just don't know how that would even happen.

[@JK-dv3qe]

@@jlbeeen if in doubt: just put 'ATTACK HELICOPTER' and you can change it later

[@gemgh420]

My silly brain always scrambles this stat to make me think all people with red hair are intersex, which is obviously not the case 🤦

[@mememe628]

@@JK-dv3qe r/onejoke

[@mrsoph28]

My sister is intersex, but when she was born (30 years ago) the doctor told my mum she HAD to remove the “appendage” in order for her to live a “normal” life. While my sister identifies with the gender assigned to her, my mum regrets listening to the doctor. She felt pressured into it as a first time mum without the knowledge of intersex people.

[@jlbeeen]

It makes me wonder how much doctors actually know. Like do they do ultrasounds to see inside, or do they just pick one? It doesn't make sense, and for those who may be on the slightly larger or smaller side of the binary, it can cause insecurities. I wish it were normalized to just be whoever you are, and then if there are issues, address them at an age where a choice can be made.

[@mrsoph28]

@@jlbeeen obviously I can’t speak for now, but back then there were no scans, just to look at on the outside looked more ‘female’ I guess? It happens that in her case, she does have female anatomy this was only found on the diagnosis of PCOS. I dread to think what happens to the babies whose life changing surgeries as BABIES don’t align with their gender!

[@emmi3785]

Sadly, at least at some point, if doctor was not sure they would just SELECT to make female genetalia as it is easier surgery. 😞

[@ellekell9317]

@@jlbeeen My nephew was born with indeterminate gender about 10 years ago. At the 20 week scan they said he was a girl, but when he was born his genitals looked neither male or female, they looked both. The doctors did genetic testing for him, scans and he also had some drug treatments to see how he responded to hormones of different types. It took months for them to decide and then he started on what will be a long journey of surgery, he has already had at least 4 operations. All of the time waiting and all of the test it was the people asking what the baby was that almost broke my sister.

[@garyt4394]

This is a very interesting thread. I was born in 1965 (57yo) with severely deformed and ambiguous genitalia, requiring specialists to gender identify me. I was diagnosed with a condition called Hypospadias which is still considered, by the medical profession, to be a male birth deformity. Though the intersex community considers the condition to be intersex, particularly the more severe forms, such as mine. To answer some of the questions/points made in this thread, back then there were no tests, scans or genetics. Sex was assigned (by doctors/specialists) using two main criteria, with the belief that gender could also be assigned and then taught. The two criteria were as follows; 1, best guess 2, best surgical outcome Unfortuately, back then 'best surgical outcome' would often override 'best guess' and assignment surguries would begin as early as possible. The parents being instructed to never mention this to the child, and to raise them in the chosen gender. This not only caused gender identity issues, but many 'female' children had imbedded testicular material that would make itself know at puberty. The lies and deception would continue as an opperation would be performed to 'fix' the 'problem' ie to find and remove the testicular material that had been left behind previously. Back then many of these intersex 'corrective' procedures would also not take into consideration the baby's and child's future sexual journey, pleasure or ability to achieve orgasm. I do hope that in this modern era, that surgeries are only carried out if they are medically necessary (due to repeated and severe urine infections, for example) or when the child is old enough to request them as part of informed consent. My very best regards, Gary :)

[@whyRedshoes]

We also didn't find out our baby's genitals before birth, partially in the hopes of getting more neutral, low key clothing. In our case some people insisted on waiting until baby was born so they could buy them the "right" clothes. 🙄🙄🙄 Which means I've made lots of ninja returns to stores!

[@hannahwitton]

Eye roll indeed

[@JK-dv3qe]

store: M SRY MAAM WE DONT ACCEPT RETURNS BASED ON WRONG GENDER HE/SHE ALREADY POOPED THOSE PANTS

[@sarahjo5570]

@@JK-dv3qe ahahahahaha noo🤣🤣🤣

[@Diana02400]

Did you continue using gender neutral pronouns to refer to your baby?

[@whyRedshoes]

@@Diana02400 no, we use gendered pronouns based on their external genitalia and will continue to do so until they tell us otherwise. But we do try to do our best to not gender things unnecessarily, like clothes especially, and encourage each of our kiddos interests regardless.

[@Gryffinblade37]

I didn't want to know when I was pregnant and usually answered by joking "yeah, I actually have no idea if my body is growing a penis right now or not" which was a great answer to re-focus on it being a weird genital question, but also always got a laugh and a subject change without confrontation.

[@danone2414]

haaahahahaha that's such a cool response... also applies to other situations outside pregnacy

[@windkind]

I just wanted to add: When you know so little about this tiny person, that already exists, I think every bit of information gets exciting. At least it was like that for me when I was pregnant. It doesn't neccessarily mean the information changes anything. I mean, I get excited, when people tell me their baby is the size of a banana, even though that's almost definitely gonna change.

[@justathumb]

haha exactly! i just want to find out every wonderful detail about them ☺️ i was so excited when she was 7 grams, now she's 700 grams :') i've always been a gender neutral person in the stereotypical sense, blue's always been my favourite colour. i never felt "girly". you can have the information and also be trusted to be neutral with it, with an open mindset.

[@alisalaska1786]

Agreed. It’s a way to connect. I still think I won’t want to know but we will see when the time comes how desperate I am for any little detail 🤣

[@clarea9412]

Exactly!! I almost feel bad that we wanted to find out with ours (currently 29 weeks)! But I am totally not about gender stereotyping, and will be completely open to our baby declaring their own gender when ready to. It was just magical to find out another thing about how our tiny one is growing and developing. As you say, every bit of info you have about them is special. I found it exciting to find out the 'sex', not because I am now going to treat my baby any differently 🤷‍♀️

[@victoriarose2982]

@Dating zone 1 Yes! Currently 19 weeks pregnant and we are having our anatomy scan this week where we'll likely find out. It doesn't change how we feel and we've been very clear about not wanting crazy gendered gifts, but being pregnant during covid has meant a lot of it hasn't felt special and every bit of new information is exciting.

[@evag-s5177]

Some ideas about how to connect without specifically asking about the baby's genitals: "When are you due?" "Do you have any names picked out?" "Do you know what pronouns you're going to be using for baby?" "What are you most excited to do with the baby when they arrive?"

[@lerb_]

30 weeks wow! I can’t believe how fast your pregnancy has gone thus far from the outside looking in. Additionally, this is such a great topic to discuss, especially coming from you as someone who is currently pregnant. There are so many people who don’t understand the difference between sex, gender and genitalia so thank you for breaking this down in really clear terms. I wish I would have had this video to share when I was in my gender studies class.

[@leea8706]

I completely agree! I was like 30 weeks already?!!! Bet it feels like years for Hannah though 😅

[@tsonneckful1]

I can only repeat what I want to comment on every single video but especially this one: I wish everyone would watch your video. You’re amazing!! A lot of people around me are pregnant at the moment and every single one asked me “why are you not asking for the gender?” And I said “what does it matter” and every single one was so relieved and replied “yes, thank you” - I can’t imagine the pressure and stress around finding out babies genitals, it’s insane

[@JK-dv3qe]

both a new reasonable Lady and a new reasonable Gentleman would be a welcomed addition to our fragile human existence (as we are living in ClownWorld™ right now)

[@mannierox]

As an intersex person, signed female at birth, I really want to thank you for this video and just for explaining this to your audience.

[@dielaura_]

"Ask how I'M doing!" This one hit hard. In my two pregnancies this almost never happened - people only asked me how the baby is doing. Like, how the hell am I supposed to know that. It's a whole other thing, but even then, people tend to only care about the baby. It starts with those questions, then, when they're born, nobody cares what birth was like for the birthing person - it's "a healthy baby is all that matters" and then when you're home, people come and see the baby and bring them presents. And you've just birthed this person, had this (sometimes traumatic, but definetly) lifechanging experience, your hormones are going crazy, you're sleep deprived and healing from birth and well - most people don't care and still don't ask about you. People, please - the baby is great and of course we can marvel at this cute, new human being, but the birthing person is the one we should care about, during pregnancy and especially after. The first few weeks and months can be hard, so be there for them, show up and care. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[@Halefa]

I am always super curious about this (how was the birth, how is it going, etc). But most of the time I don't feel like it's appropiate for me to ask.

[@kristinacantrell4358]

Ugh and the people who do ask how you are doing always back off after you answer XD I'm 35 weeks now and if someone asks how I am feeling I tell them how tired I am or other things and then find out they actually... didn't want to know. That and ALREADY I keep getting called "mom" or "Momma" by people around me... which is not only painful because I am nonbinary, but because grown adults calling me mom feels so weird and people use that parent title to pretty much remove you as a person. Now I am just some kind of walking baby incubator I guess?? Who cares about my thoughts or feelings as long as the baby is doing alright? Even healthcare professionals have started calling me "mom" instead of my name and I keep telling them I would rather they call me my name... so they wont mess up my chart with another "mom"

[@SamWest96]

Interested to watch this, fascinating. We never planned to find out, but when it came to it and I was 3 months pregnant when lockdown started, we wanted to share something with family and friends online. My pregnancy felt so distant from anyone and so the sex felt like a reason to share really. I can't explain my headspace at that time, it was odd. Anyway, luckily none of our families or friends really cared either way. Strangers and midwives however were overwhelmingly excited we "struck gold" and had a girl. All very strange really, and quite sad. A lady at the library told me the other day (in front of her 3 year old son) how jealous she was I got a girl and she got 2 boys. I couldn't let that conversation happen in front of him or in front of my daughter frankly, so I pointed out that sex means nothing to personality, let alone gender. My daughter loves dolls, sure, (she was cuddling a doll during this conversation) but she also loves puddles and mess and running and jumping and "boy" things. He seems like an awesome little boy and I hope she can see the joy in him because every child has wonderful things about them, regardless of gender. It broke my heart a little bit. There's more I wish I'd said but I didn't have all the answers then and there 😔

[@ThatRomyKate]

It is sad, and I can see why she might feel that way. I think we assume that girls will always be closer to their mums, or that mums can share activities or experiences with a girl that either they can’t with a boy or that the boy won’t want, but I’m sure there are mums everywhere who have really close relationships with their sons. In a way it might be a self fulfilling prophecy with her because she’ll act differently with the boys she has than she would with a daughter, therefor missing out on potential experiences

[@evag-s5177]

I work in a preschool and a fellow teacher's assistant was warning me about being on bathroom duty by saying "watch the boys, they get really crazy in there, climbing under the stalls and everything. And the girls walk in there calmly in a nice straight line, you'll see the difference." I just imagined being one of the boys overhearing this, thinking "wow, that's what my teacher thinks of me?" As you can imagine, kids of all genders can go a bit wild in the bathroom (because they're 4 year olds) and whether they're following directions depends more on personality than anything. What are we doing as a society labeling kids like this and forcing these stereotypes on them?

[@evag-s5177]

@@ThatRomyKate I think lots of parents want to do the traditionally "girly" things, like put their kid in frilly outfits and take them to dance lessons. So why not buy your son a tutu?

[@SamWest96]

@@ThatRomyKate I hadn't thought about that, but I think those relationships have a lot to do with it, or the stereotypes of them

[@SamWest96]

@@evag-s5177 I work in a nursery and I was warned the same on my first day in preschool. I've heard so many stereotypes over the years, and so many staff be reported for insisting boys can't dress as princesses 😔

[@xdarkswanwaterx]

Hey Hannah! I would love to hear how you’re approaching picking a baby name if you don’t want to make assumptions about the gender of your baby. Will you be picking a gender neutral name that could work regardless of the baby’s gender? Will you pick a boy or girl’s name and then let the child change their name later down the line if they want to?

[@alext9760]

Also what pronouns (if any) are you going to use for the baby? I'm nonbinary, and yet our society is so cisnormative that I still haven't quite made up my mind about what to do about that

[@rosalyngummer6587]

In case anyone is wondering what to do about this, I’m going to share what I did. I didn’t like any of the gender neutral names I found because I’m much more of a classic names person. So I chose more conventional names that could easily be adapted if my child were trans or nonbinary. For example, Samantha could be changed to Sam or Don could be changed to Donna. That way they wouldn’t be forced to change their name to find one that didn’t make them dysphoric (unless they wanted something totally different). I hope that makes sense!

[@julieannelovesbooks]

@@rosalyngummer6587 this is exactly what I’m planning on doing! Great minds think alike 😉

[@evag-s5177]

@@rosalyngummer6587 I love this idea! As a nonbinary person named Eva (that's the name I was given at birth and I like it!) I shun the idea that names need to be gendered at all. If it's a name you like, use it, and know that your child may want to change it later regardless of what their gender might be.

[@evag-s5177]

​@@alext9760 Same. I'm nonbinary as well, and would like to have kids one day, and I've spent a lot of time thinking about this. While I love the idea of not assigning a gender to my baby, I'm not sure I'd have the mental capacity to deal with explaining that on top of the difficulty of raising a child. What I've come to (at this point, however I'm probably not having kids for a long time) is alternating between he/she and they pronouns, giving the child access to all the clothes and toys, talking openly about gender from a young age and having "pronoun checks" to make sure they're still on board with the pronouns we're using.

[@sabrinahughes8352]

I love the note about social scripts! I watched an interview from Halsey after her most recent album came out, and it was so eye-opening to hear her speak about how pregnancy has been such a horrific time for them, which is why the album and movie are horror-themed. Because she'd had multiple miscarriages, Halsey was having nightmares about waking up in their own blood, etc. It made me realize how important it is to ask the person carrying the baby HOW they are doing!! It's not automatically this beautiful, magical time.

[@JamesWilliamColeman]

The only thing I'm going to comment on is the "How to respond section". As a Cis-Gender Man who is not very aware about all this stuff, despite you saying that some of these are gentle responses, they still make me feel like I'm being a bad person. When I hear you saying things like "as you know", it doesn't make me feel at ease. It makes me think that I'm an awful person for not knowing this stuff. I feel like with a lot of this stuff it just creates more conflict. Like if people who don't know make one small mistake, we're attacked for not being inclusive. I want to treat everyone with the same amount of respect, that doesn't mean it's easy and I will get it right all the time. Maybe a better response is "We don't want to know our baby's gender because we don't want to enforce any gender stereotypes at a young age". That kind of response is putting it all on you, making it feel like your choice instead of implicating other people's mistakes into it. And I think the responses you gave like "You want to know what my baby's gentiles are?" is just igniting conflict because it's making us feel like we are idiots for asking a question that we are used to asking and again adds a level of shaming. I'm not writing this to be hateful, I just want to show a perspective of someone who doesn't know anything about this and feels constantly shamed for making mistakes with this. I feel that correcting and explaining things is fine. But more often than not, it comes off as attacking and shaming for not knowing something.

[@shesaysdisco]

Had to pause the video to say that genitals don’t necessarily determine whether your infant will pee at you during diaper changes! I’m a cis woman, but my dad loves to tell about how frequently I peed right up his sleeve when I was a baby 😂

[@rachelbest7256]

Yup, it’s my vulva owning child who got me in the face more than once.

[@diesuuunddas]

Same here :D

[@realyzze]

no one is cis

[@Julia-xh5cp]

My friend recently had a baby and the amount of people who get visibly angry when they won't reveal their baby's genitals is really scary. They often say 'thanks for the question, but that's private information!' or something to the effect. Thanks for discussing this and bringing more light to the gender and sex spectrums!

[@chloeo2932]

As a student midwife I often ask women if they know what they’re having just as a question to break up any awkward silence 😂. I fully respect anyone’s decision to find out or not find out although I do love a surprise! Some women I see who do choose to find out often do so because of a previous pregnancy loss and so knowing the sex makes it more ‘real’ for them if that makes sense?

[@hannahgazeley3662]

I agree, finding out which genitals my babies had made it so real and was a real rush of hormones when I was told. I also felt very strongly if I was carrying a boy or girl. I am a nurse working with they elderly and we are now seeing trans gender people coming through and there is such a gap in knowledge on how the hormones and surgeries affect the body long term and so a lot of our “tools” we use to calculate risk for certain conditions or diseases calculate male and female differently without taking into account the nuance of hormones and surgeries. It’s not something for the general population to even think about but behind the scenes in the medical world we def need to do more to educate and simplify how we manage trans people.

[@tiggernaut]

This comes across as so self righteous .. people ask the question to be polite/seem interested/make small talk/because it's the first question that comes to mind. They don't really care or think about your baby's genitals. Speaking as a parent of two (who didn't find out the sex for my first child, but did for my second).

[@estrellAllertse]

In my experience, babies with all types of genitals possess the ability to pee on the people changing their nappies - it is one of babies' SUPER POWERS 😅!

[@hannahwitton]

hahaha OH NO! I guess finding out the genitals makes no difference then! 😂

[@whyRedshoes]

This is true. A vulva does not reduce the chance of getting pee on you during changes 😂 I have been peed on many a time by multiple babies!

[@DieAlteistwiederda]

I agree, my oldest niece somehow had better aim than her older brother. 😬

[@AlannahGardener]

@@hannahwitton Peeing shouldn't be your worry, poo is! My kids all seemed to poo as soon as their nappy was off. My youngest managed to poo all down me and all over the wall at soft play. Absolutely mortifying

[@Mintpastiller]

@@AlannahGardener Any potential deterrence strategies to share from your harrowing experiences?

[@malinakoschier3874]

As an non-binary person, I just really wanted to thank you that you use such a personal thing like your pregnancy to educate people about what being trans is

[@rosielowe9650]

Something to remember though is very very few people will ever ask what gender your baby is for any other reason than they are trying to be polite and show an interest in you. The only people who genuinely do actually care what that are having tend to be the parents themselves; no one else cares, it's just about trying to show an interest. So there really is absolutely no reason to ever be rude to them or try to make people uncomfortable. How is that ever okay? You know better than them? Fine, if you say so but that doesn't ever make it okay to actively try to make someone feel uncomfortable for simply trying to show an interest in you when truthfully they don't actually care what answer you give because no one ever does.

[@PoisonTheOgres]

I would personally want to find out. Not because I care at all about gender or genitals, but it's just _something_ you can get to know about the baby. Like, if it was their hair colour we could learn from a scan, I'd also want to know. Not because it means anything for their personality, or because I won't let them ever dye their hair, but just because it's any tiny little speck of info about this person I can't meet yet. I'd throw a hair color reveal party lol

[@alireddy3691]

I’m 34 weeks and we aren’t finding out for a lot of these reasons. I had been saying we aren’t finding out the sex of the baby and we can’t know the gender of the baby. Thank you for teaching me sex is also not binary. I am most frustrated at my doctor appointments and have corrected several doctors, nurses and lab techs when they ask if we know the gender. I’m curious how this makes you think about baby names. Do you have certain names you will use based on what their genitals are? And what pronouns do you plan on using once they are born? These are things I’m still researching and navigating.

[@Iwasjustwondering89]

Why not use a name and pronouns etc that appear to fit the little human from the visual cues they give? There’s no harm in making changes later on, should the initial impressions turn out to be false. Also, this is the way we navigate the entirety of our experience - by making assumptions about the world based on the information we are given. I don’t think there is anything wrong in doing the same with other humans.

[@miipmiipmiip]

@@Iwasjustwondering89 Also, gender neutral names!

[@KaitlynJ758]

When I was pregnant and people asked "are you finding out the baby's gender??) I jokingly (/not jokingly) responded "They'll tell us when they're old enough to understand gender identity." It was fun to see conservative family members heads explode.

[@helenlamer8622]

I’m in no way pregnant but planing to have kids on the future, and Hannah discussing this theme actually did raise a lot of similar questions in me. What about the sex mark in the ID and birth certificate? Names, pronouns, how to explain all of that to older family members? I don’t think there’s a universal answer, every parent is gonna be deciding for themselves. But how fascinating is it that we’re thinking about all that now!

[@Donna-bleepbloop]

This is so interesting. Watching while crocheting a 'gender neutral' blanket for a friend's new baby but this definitely made me think about way more meaningful ways to think about gender and babies

[@jlbeeen]

Whenever I've been to baby showers, I've always looked for gifts that were more neutral, or made something that anyone could enjoy. But I feel like things have gotten more gendered recently. Like I played with all kinds of stuff, even though my parents aren't open to the idea of other genders, they let me express myself how I wanted to for the most part, other than having to wear dresses to church. Even as an adult, I find most boys clothes fit me better (my shoulders are too wide for women's shirts). I'm glad one thing that I was able to do, is since I despised dolls and preferred to dress teddies, I learned to sew fairly young, and now I make a lot of my own things that fit my body and my expression once I became an adult and had learned enough math to make and modify patterns.

[@heloise5931]

what a thoughtful gift 😍

[@AlannahGardener]

@@jlbeeen I find this idea that anything is 'gender neutral' more weird as most people just avoid blue and girl so they aren't using the colours society has gendered. For me, it makes more sense that all kids are can wear all colours. I wouldn't ever limit myself to neutral colours or exclude colours. My 4 year old boy is currently wearing fluffy pink unicorn slippers he chose himself, I feel that is more gender neutral. Opening all options up them.

[@misssnowfoxx]

This such a wonderful and informative video and I hope more people see it! I hope this isn't an intrusive question, but may I ask, seeing as you're not going to be finding out the baby's genitals, have you given much thought into the way you would like to raise them once they are actually born and you do know their genitals? For example, are you considering using they/them pronouns or choosing gender neutral names or will you be raising them as the gender they are assigned at birth by the doctor, and then simply giving them the freedom to express themselves/come to terms with their gender for themselves when the time comes?

[@abbie8373]

I also was wondering this xx

[@Millymul]

Would love an answer to this!

[@DieAlteistwiederda]

You can also raise a child pretty damn gender neutral while still using a gendered pronoun. My native language doesn't have a neutral one unless you count the equivalent of "it" but my parents just never enforced any kind of genderroles on us. All of us siblings just learned the same basic household stuff and otherwise our parents just listened to what we wanted to try. My two older siblings turned out to be cis but I'm nonbinary and knew I was this way ever since I was young just that I didn't have a word for it.

[@claspring]

Am also curious about this: does 'the birth' just become a delayed 'gender reveal' party? M-I-L is desperate to know whether to buy blue or pink (almost literally) and I'm aware that us not telling her now means she'll just wait until the birth 'reveal'; but we're not considering 'hiding' the way they're gendered-via-genitalia at birth by essentially raising them non-binary until they 'know' their gender (though presumably this knowledge is partly shaped exactly by the way they're (not)gendered as they grow!)- mostly because of the hassle and judgement this would invite (which I realise is in itself a cop-out to ways we could act in solidarity with trans/non-binary folk). Also, topic-change but what are your feelings about videos/pics of baby's face on social media? Would love some guidance and support on this decision!

[@annaw9687]

@@claspring I was wondering the same thing about whether the birth is just the same as a gender reveal unless you keep it a secret. I fully agree with raising children without gender stereotypes, but I don’t think not telling people the genitals before baby is born will delay how people treat them for long?

[@ColdDaveball]

When talking about performing surgeries on intersex children without their consent: How do you feel about circumcision? What is your perspective as someone from a Jewish family? Ho do you weigh traditions versus children's autonomy over their own bodies and genitalia?

[@enenenergp]

Yes, my thoughts exactly! I think circumcision should be treated the same, it should not be done on babies. Also in the US a lot of people get their kids circumcised for non-religious reasons (but also without medical necessity): it’s just a thing that people are used to, thought of as the norm. Which I think sucks.

[@mlynn998]

(Coming from a Jewish person) I find this question extremely complicated to answer. While I 100% agree that circumcision out of concern for “cleanliness” or the like is wrong, it is difficult to ask a marginalized community to give up an important cultural practice. I find myself wondering if people would ask indigenous people to stop hunting (which they do) or any other marginalized community to stop doing something harmful that is prominent in their culture. I’m honestly not sure what the right answer is. I don’t think I would circumcise my kids, but I am not really in the culture that much. But, like, how would you feel if people said that you had to stop doing something that would literally break the first covenant with god?

[@nikkiwilliamson4665]

@@mlynn998 we ask people to not perform female genital mutilation. It can be a big part of certain cultures as a “coming of age” kind of ritual and has been part of their cultures for thousands of years. We try to stop fgm from happening because we see how extremely harmful it can be to the people who go through it. Stopping that harm is way more important than being sensitive to cultures different from our own. Same for cultural practices of child marriage or forced marriage. We see the immense harm and try to stop it. So with stopping any other kinds of cultural practice, I think it comes down to how much harm it is causing. Like no one is trying to change cultural dietary restrictions (apart from racists) such as jewish people not eating pork or many Hindus being vegetarian because that’s not causing anyone harm. With circumcision, I very rarely see circumcised men talking about it. I have actually looked for people talking about it but struggle to find many people. Does that mean it’s not a problem for most of them and it’s not causing them harm? Or does it just mean it’s not talked about? I would love to see more conversations about circumcision. Preferably conversations that don’t involve women’s opinions on whether they prefer to sleep with men that are circumcised or not because I really hope parents aren’t making decisions on circumcision based on women’s sexual desires.

[@mlynn998]

@@nikkiwilliamson4665 the thing is, it’s not like a dietary restriction in Judaism. It’s literally the thing that makes Jews gods chosen people. For orthodox and conservative Jews, it is incredibly important. I understand the risks, but for some Jews, it is seen as the parents making a medical (or spiritual) decision for their children, something that is quite commonplace. Im not saying I agree with it, but I think people make a lot of harmful decisions based on what an imaginary man in the sky said. But with majority religions, nobody questions those. I’ve just seen questions like these turn into an excuse for antisemitism, similar to how conversions about fgm turn I to racist ones (not that I think circumcision is anything like fgm, but fgm is significantly more damaging).

[@windkind]

@@nikkiwilliamson4665 Maybe I can help, even though I'm a woman. I actually talked to an older family member who was circumcised as a baby because it just was common practice back then. While he doesn't have any severe problems, he's still very angry about it. He feels like it was unneccessary and he will never experience how his body would have been. I did a little research and from what I read, Circumcision can cause a lot of different problems, but not everyone suffers from them.

[@MaryJoWright]

Congratulations on your baby, Hannah! Let me offer my 2 cents on this topic. I think a lot of times when people ask what you are having is not them asking about the baby's genitals. It is a form of kindness, social chit-chat, call it whatever you want. Asking means they care about you, there is nothing more to it. I agree that it is not as simple as penis = man, vagina = woman, end of story. But these innocuous questions are 99% of the time just that, innocuous questions that people ask. I think it is less wasted energy to make peace with the fact that people will ask and offer whatever nonsense answer you see fit (e.g. what are you having? a baby dinosaur! is it a boy or a girl? it could be one of these two, yes.)

[@MaryJoWright]

@@edvetsource I have watched it several times back then, I just rewatched it now. I still stand by my point: I think she is getting it wrong when she thinks that anyone who asks 'What are you having?' assumes that everyone is cisgender. (Where did that conclusion come from??) Upon rewatching I think she is rather condescending in how she goes about it. And she doesn't realize that these questions are indeed an invitation to talk about yourself and how you are feeling -- at least if you are not too stubborn to take the opportunity instead of whipping out a powerpoint presentation about gender and sex.

[@annalauraamenta]

So interesting! May I ask how you will refer to your baby once it’s born? Will you stick to the pronouns ‘they/them’ until they tell you what their gender is? I used to enjoy watching gender reveal videos years ago but since becoming aware of the fact that gender and sex are totally different, I’ve not been able to watch a single one without cringing… 🥴

[@ZairaBandy]

That is the question? How are parents going to raise children in a non binary way?? What if it is a male and like trucks, and sports and to wear jeans, parents should then force them otherwise??

[@melloheya]

@@ZairaBandy the real question is why do you associate playing with trucks and wearing jeans with a specific gender? raising a child genderless just means you don’t put any social expectations onto them. perhaps when they are a baby you dress them in both “male” and “female” clothing. and then you give them a choice once they are able to communicate it. nobody is saying that children cannot enjoy normal children things, it’s just saying that no toys or clothes are linked to a specific gender anyway.

[@fizzy249]

@@melloheya or maybe you raise your child as male if he's male and female if she's female and let them wear and play with whatever they want it's not so hard

[@alys4570]

@@melloheya she didn’t associate trucks with boys etc.. she’s asking because it’s you who associates a truck as a gender specific item. what will you (or parents with strong gender neutral parenting styles) allow your child to play with? The question here is, are kids only allowed to play with something that the gender neutral parent finds gender neutral or will they still be allowed to play with anything they like no matter the “gender role” a Parent places on said item? (Phew! This is all confusing) The problem with some gender neutral parents is they often restrict kids from gender specific items even if the child likes it. And that’s just swinging the pendulum too far the other way and placing harsh neutral roles on kids. It’s still a label. Hannah states in this video that she does not want gender specific items gifted to her. So , I’m assuming no trucks if the baby is a boy or dresses for a girl???

[@ariabend688]

@@ZairaBandy they/them pronouns are not the same as non binary. They/them can also be a gender-neutral way of referring to anyone whose gender you do not know or whose gender you may know but is irrelevant to share in a given context. And not all non binary people use they/them exclusively anyway.

[@JoyandSerenity.]

My sister has two children and she was very specific on no genders or brands on anything people bought her and I can remember the one time someone stopped her in a shop (not even a baby shop!) to ask what she was having. After the nice comments about "a baby" or "we don't want to find out" she just wouldn't get the message and got quite hostile about it and to this day my sister's response gives me life! "Are you a paedophile or something?" *shock and horror on the woman's face* "Why do you want to know about my babies genitals so much its kinda creepy" The woman scuttled away quite quickly and we just laughed.

[@hermeeown]

That's so rude and unkind to accuse someone of being a paedophile for asking a very normal small talk question.

[@lotta_kannfastalles]

@@hermeeown Well, they said that the sister already tried the _nice comments about "a baby" or "we don't want to find out"_ and tge woman got angry about those responses. I feel like if you are this adamant about the lives of total strangers, some unfair and unkind accusations are actually in order to just end the discussion then and there

[@loops19]

@@hermeeown completely agree. It’s just a question people ask to be polite

[@halliep-s6880]

love love love how much you're going into the actual science of sex. what I was taught in high school was "two sexes, either XX or XY," and then I got to college and took an INTRO bio class and learned just how wrong that was. did not even need extensive biology to understand it, it's literally as basic as there are more than two things that decide sex, and not explaining all of the factors is reductive and inaccurate.

[@pepsimax8078]

I love how you are not finding out. If I ever get to be pregnant, I don’t think I would want to know myself. And I don’t even know if I have a reason for it, I would just want it to be a surprise. I do say this now, single, «unpregnant» and that does not seem to be changing any time soon. I might change my mind when/if I ever am in the situation, hormons and all weighing in and all.

[@raenewnham7490]

I've heard from OB doctors that some of the most memorable births are the ones where the sex is unknown. Just makes the moment that much more special I think

[@Ellanion]

Thank you, love

[@Ellanion]

Somewhat related: There was a fascinating study about what an average American man would be like conducted in cooperation with the US military when they did the draft and took detailed measurements of every aspect of their bodies. Matt Parker has a video going over it with the conclusion that the average person doesn't exist. Not one person in the world fit more than a few of the measurements. Finding someone fitting into the "ideal" definition/idea of a man or woman is probably almost as difficult.

[@MegaSmashtastic]

I love this! I would be interested in more content on how you plan to incorporate this in your baby's life once they are born (calling them "them," "he," or "she" for example).

[@zyzxzsgedr]

+++

[@JoneseyBanana]

For what it's worth I follow a queer couple on tiktok, and while one parent is nonbinary, they're going to be gendering their child according to its AGAB unless/until the child expresses that they don't want that. They don't want to force their child to be different to its peers from such a young age, and feel like the risks of forcing their kid to be so different to their peers are higher than any potential benefits of a genderless upbringing.

[@KaitlynJ758]

I was wondering the same.

[@LizzyHertlein]

When I was pregnant I thought every new bit of information about my baby was so exciting. I found out his "gender" and it made me feel like I knew him a little more. If they could have told me his hair color or favorite song from an ultrasound I would have been so excited but it obviously wouldn't change how I feel about him, which is how I felt about finding out the gender. We also didn't receive any "gendered" gifts. Everything was "gender neutral"

[@Miss_Lexisaurus]

Just imagining Hannah having a business card with the QR code to this video to just hand out every time she gets asked now!

[@Chilemalteca]

Great video! The only reason I would like to know the "gender" if I was pregnant is to think about name options! I don't think there are a lot of gender neutral ones (at least in Spanish)

[@tortoiseshell.cats.and.dragons]

Thank you so much for making this video. I'm nonbinary and somewhat recently was able to accept that my body is also nonbinary, not the gender it was assigned at birth. Recognizing that has helped me to feel more comfortable with myself, and hearing you put it into your own words was so affirming and wonderful. I love all of the other things you talk about in this video, too, especially the things I didn't know about! I wish you a smooth third trimester!

[@tortoiseshell.cats.and.dragons]

I'm rewatching this video and once again felt a rush of joy at hearing you say that bodies aren't inherently male or female. Thank you again for making this, and I look forward to watching more of your videos on the More Hannah channel! (As well as old videos on this one)

[@emma1401]

If you deny that there is no such thing as female and male anatomy, does this erase same-sex attraction? If there is no sex, what exactly is transsexualism? How could your child be transgender, if they are not raised to live as the standard gender assigned with their biological sex and then later decide that they do not identify with this gender after all? How are sex-specific conditions (e.g. diseases which are inherited thorough either an X or Y chromosome, such as haemophilia which is passed on the X chromosome) explained? Gender pay gap? Misogyny? Gender-based violence? How about male and female plants and plant parts, do we now have to call them gender neutral or ask them what they identify as? The erasure of sex only complicates and censors how we can discuss sex-related issues and topics spanning social, health, medical, financial, unnecessarily. I do not want to be reduced to a 'menstruating person' or a 'person with a uterus', I'm a woman. Why are we pretending that sexual dimorphism does not exist in humans? Why is it offensive for people who care about you care enough about your baby to be interested in the baby's sex? When the only acceptable way to tell somebody what you are having is to describe their genitals, do you not think that this is a problem and honestly a bit awkward? I am worried that we have gone too far with this recent erasure and denial of biological sex and being offended by literal science.

[@modusvivendi2]

This video is a huge, huge miss. I get that you're not finding out the gender of a child by looking at their genitals, but you are getting an overwhelmingly accurate guess at it (and an even more overwhelmingly accurate guess at their sex) so, uh, I frankly don't understand the notion that you have to pretend like you're operating from behind a veil of ignorance here. That's not cisnormativity; it's just basic statistics. People who are interested in a child are interested in what the child's sex is because it gives considerable insight into what the child is likely to be like (in terms of personality, interests, etc.). Of course those guesses are only that-- guesses-- but we make educated guesses about all sorts of things all the time, and it's generally a useful thing to do, so... why the reticence? It makes about as much sense to object to someone being curious about how much the child weighs, or whether they're eating well, or any of a million other things that people want to know about new babies. And the statement that sex is a spectrum is just false-- outright misinformation. It's like saying that the number of human eyes is a spectrum because some people are born without one or both, or the number of human brains is a spectrum because some people have tumors. I mean surely if I asked you how many limbs a starfish has, you wouldn't go off on some convoluted tangent about how it depends on the starfish's individual history, and whether they've shed a limb to escape a predator, and if so how recent that incident was and whether it's grown back yet, and on and on-- you would just say "five." Because that's the useful, relevant information to the conversation. Humans have a binary sexual reproduction system characterized by X and Y chromosomes (as contrasted with, e.g., species that have ZZ-male and ZW-female, or species that have haplodiploid reproduction, or hermaphroditism, or any of a number of other evolutionary schemes), and the fact that (like all biological things everywhere) that system does not work with 100 percent perfect efficiency is just not a relevant observation. That is, again, not "cisnormative", it's just fact. It does not carry with it any necessary implication that trans or intersex people are somehow wrong or evil or whatever-- they're just not normal, and who the f*** cares whether someone is normal anyway? Everyone's not normal in some way or other. We're a whole lot better off teaching our children and each other that it's okay to be different than wielding elaborate ruses and scientific misinformation to pretend that those differences aren't real.

[@hols122183]

I agree that gender and genitals are different, however if you are going to refer to your child as he/she based solely on their genitals once they are born....then what's the difference if you find out while pregnant or at birth? Any biases or thoughts you are afraid of placing on your baby while pregnant will still happen once they're born. Not wanting to find out the "gender" while pregnant is totally valid, but I don't understand the majority of this reasoning, especially since the we don't often know if the genitals and gender of our children "match" until much later after birth. Again, not wanting to find out for any number of reasons is totally valid. Although I chose to find out for each of my children, I totally understand the frustration of people constantly asking.

[@amarshall5407]

So I found out for both my children (cause I wanted to be proven right) and honestly I don’t think it changed how I went about my pregnancy. But part of that is just how I handle pregnancy. I tend to ignore it until the baby is here (obviously I go to appointments and watch the required food restrictions and need for more water) but otherwise I just continue on as usual. I didn’t enjoy being pregnant either time though and I will say being able to for sure pick out a name we want and such made it easier to get through. As far as asking people what they are having I tend to ask “are you finding out what you are having” so they can answer if they want (knowing the gender helps some people get excited regardless of what gender it is) or not if they aren’t finding out.

[@AlannahGardener]

I found out with all 3 of mine (and my guess was correct each time!). It was just exciting to know more information about this tiny human growing inside me and choose their name. I find naming children extremely difficult so wanted as much time as possible to chose their names and knowing their sex made it a lot easier!

[@TheDaddysgirl94]

Love this! My child will be turning 6 this year and I've learned so much. I wish we had been more flexible in the early years with gender, stereotypes etc. We have been blessed with a very open and honest child who identifies as a boy, and is a lover of all the things. Cars, trucks, art, dance, Tutu's, sparkles, unicorns, every colour you can think of, dresses, dolls, robots etc. The list goes on. Once he was old enough to tell us what clothes he prefers, there was a switch in his self expression. The pure joy when he had his first tutu 😍 Oh it was an incredible feeling as a parent. Now at age 5, the exploration has expanded to include long hair, hair accessories, jewelry, painted nails and lipgloss.

[@talkthruthenight2299]

Love this video! I did have a hesitation about one part of the video - but then again, I also am still learning so I would welcome some constructive feedback. I completely agree that we should do away with a gendered perception of bodies. But isn't doing away with "female medicine" and 'female reproductive system" a bit similar to wanting to be color blind when it comes to race? Sexism and misogyny have a real impact on women and people born in bodies that are perceived as female, especially in the medical community. Research into illnesses/syndromes associated with female bodies receive much less funding. The fact that no one asks pregnant people how they're doing, is also associated with the fact that on a systemic level, we believe that the pain of women (who are assumed to be the only people pregnant) is not taken seriously at all, as shown by so many studies on pain thresholds and the way doctors respond to patients who identify (or are identified by staff) as women. I wonder if by totally doing away with gendered language such as "female bodies/medicine", we don't just erase these issues? Wouldn't it be more constructive to say 'pregnant people and women" for example, as a way recognize and dismantle the impact of misogyny? Or is there another alternative that allows for these issues to not be swept under the rug, whilst remaining inclusive? Despite the long comment, please believe that this issue is a giant question mark for me.

[@stevemoskowitz5960]

One of my reasons for wanting to know the gender of my baby was because all of the medical professionals would know, so it felt silly to us to stay in the dark. We chose to give our baby fairly gender neutral clothing regardless.

[@natgl11]

this video made me so emotional. I'm nonbinary and seeing how you're not just conscious of our existence, but inclusive of it in your parenting, made me tear up with joy and hope for the future. thank you so much. I wish you nothing but good health and happiness to you and your growing family. the little baby is so lucky to have you and Dan as parents. I'd say that they will be so loved, but it's clear that they already are 💜

[@georginachard8604]

Thank you so much for doing the work Hannah! "We wont know their gender until they tell us" was so special to hear,

[@GhostIntoTheFog]

You hit the nail on the head in regard to the difference between a parent’s right to make necessary medical decisions on their baby’s behalf and a parent merely deciding to subject their child to unnecessary cosmetic surgery based on social or cultural pressure. Doing the latter is a violation of the child’s bodily autonomy. Circumcision is the most common example of this. How we’ve normalized treating a healthy part of a child’s anatomy as a birth defect in need of correction, with no concern as to the what the child would choose as an adult, is monstrous. And, yes, that includes people who circumcise for religious reasons. “God told me to do it,” or, “It’s tradition,” is not a valid excuse to violate a child’s bodily autonomy.

[@katjagolden893]

I always thought when I got pregnant that I would find out my baby’s gender but my husband didn’t want to know. I knew if I found out then I would accidentally spill the beans. So I decided not to find out. In 2000 & 2002 when I had my boys it was a fantastic surprise. I had 2 healthy sons and that’s all that mattered.

[@laurasnow7822]

I don’t care about your babies gender, but I need to know, are they going to be goth or cottage-core?

[@hannahwitton]

very important question... we shall see!

[@DieAlteistwiederda]

Don't assume within this binary they might be a basic pumpkin spice latte kind of person later in life. I say that as a goth or at least goth adjacent person, not being into cottage core or goth is ok too.

[@BabyTreeMusic]

Did you just say that there's no such thing as "female genitalia" or "male genitalia"? Yeah, I'm tapping out. That is an utterly RIDICULOUS statement.

[@SylviaRustyFae]

As both an intersex and trans person; thank you very much for this and for goin into so much here. We need more activism exactly like this from our allies so that folks learn to stop doing the many things that theyve done for their whole lives without previously considering it. A lot of times all it takes is bein informed to change how someone acts; and im glad to know that may be the case for your rather large platform. My actual case of this was that my first "gender reveal" (no elaborate party or anything probs heh, i was a 4th kid aftr all :P) said that i was a girl and they picked out a name for that scenario, Sophia if i recall correctly so not too far off what i ended up choosin for myself. They did later like a month before my birth discover "that they were wrong" and so they determined im a boy. They were ofc still wrong, but literally all they judged it off of was some rly rly tiny members downstair (they stayed prty damn tiny actually bcuz of my bein XXY, not either of the binary sexes they thowt i was).

[@chloemfearless]

I completely understand that many people don’t want to find out the gender of their baby and also there are many reasons for it but I think that when people ask it’s out of excitement and interest. I don’t think it’s fair to assume that whoever’s asking is a bad person or uninformed. I’m fully aware that trans people exist and I fully accept them too just as I would my own child if they were trans but I think the main point of the question is to join the excitement with the parents and what their plans are for maybe bedroom decor or outfit ideas etc whether they know it’s a boy or a girl or even if they don’t know. I know that doctors can be wrong in scans and even at birth but that’s something that will be discovered further down the line. The only reason I would ask is because I’m excited for them and want to know what they know (as long as they’re happy to tell me) and I want to be a part of the excitement.

[@cameronshaw599]

There are so many other ways to do this though! “How are you feeling as you start this journey / get toward the end of this journey?!” “Have you started decorating a nursery yet? Any thoughts on a theme or style?” “What are you most looking forward to dressing your baby in?” “What childhood memories are you most excited to share with your kiddo?” “What are you most excited to see develop in your spouse’s/partner’s/co-parent’s relationship with your baby?” All of these are questions that focus on the parent/child relationship in a way that 1) does not refer to genitals or rigid gender stereotypes at all and 2) includes the parent-to-be in the inquiry instead of treating them like a vessel for a genital-haver.

[@LHMLHW]

I was always torn over whether to find out, it was always on the tip of my tongue to ask but something held me back. In some ways I felt I would be able to 'know' my baby better because I found it hard to connect with baby when the pregnancy was making me feel so gawd damn sick all the time 😅 as the weeks have gone on I'm really glad we haven't found out. I'm 35 weeks now and baby is developing their own personality and responding to sound and touch. I feel like I'm learning who this little human will be by picking up on REAL characteristics other than those set out by society as the 'norm' for a child of that gender.

[@lucywatkinson2992]

My friends child was a wiggler when my friend was pregnant, when she was asked 'what are you having?' she responded 'either a boxer, or a footballer'.

[@BeeWhere]

Thank you for the wonderful video. We didn't care what our baby had and definitely seemed to be in a minority. Out response to what are you having: "A tiny human to love and support"

[@ella6925]

thank you so much for this absolutely amazing video Hannah! I think it's so important for people to learn about everything you talked about, that gender is a social construct, etc. I study gender studies, and we recently talked about pretty much all the things you mentioned, so it was amazing seeing it all combined in such a great video! :)

[@a.k.v.3042]

Hilariously, I once overheard a couple of ladies who had not seen each other in a while and one was obviously pregnant and the other, after congratulating her friend said "do you know what you're having?" And the other lady, without even a pause said "Yeah! It's a BABY!" (she was super hyped and excited to impart this information). Her friend seemed to take that onboard with no issues and their conversation moved on.

[@justme2086]

Disclaimer: I’m honestly trying to be accepting and educate myself in order not to be offensive to people who are not cisgender like me. I’m genuinely finding hard to follow some arguments when it comes to the “non existence” of a “male or female body”. If that’s the case, then how are gynaecologists trained to be gynaecologists? They study the female reproductive system, the female hormone system etc. There are inherently biological differences when it comes to anatomy, that’s the whole principle of western medicine. Also, why is it wrong to ask someone if they’re having a boy or girl? Its perfectly okay for them to raise their baby non binary no matter its sex. Which means that although the biology of the baby is to be male, you give the baby the space to choose their gender when they have the cognitive skills to do so. Is that such an offensive question I wonder? Also, if we go with the odds, isn’t it more common that a child with male genitalia (for instance) also has the male hormones? Of course there are people who lack some hormones despite their sex, but when you ask for someone’s baby’s sex, you make the assumption that the baby’s hormone levels are what they’re expected to be medically. My questions come from an honest confused place. I really want to understand. ☺️

[@kierajohnston6692]

Hey I’m a medical student currently studying gynaecology so maybe I can help! Gynaecologists do deal with the parts of the body you described but they don’t always come altogether or in a woman-identifying person. One of the many intersex conditions involves an XY person having a uterus, cervix, vagina and vulva but no ovaries or testes, regardless of how this person identified they would see a gynaecologist regarding smears, genital skin issues etc. A common reason to see gynaecology is PCOS which can cause XX people to develop secondary sex characteristics like beards, regardless of what gender they identify with. Equally a trans woman who takes hormones should be referred for breast screening, but should also be encouraged to check their testicles if they still have them. Point is because your genitals, chromosomes and sex characteristics can be incongruous, you can’t tell from the outside what’s going on inside. It’s more medically accurate, safer and kinder to refer to the specific thing you are worried about, rather than assuming all the things you can’t see.

[@justme2086]

@@kierajohnston6692 that’s very interesting! Thank you for all the info!!

[@ReinyJ27]

As far as the gynecology question, I think it would be more accurate to say they are specialists in people with vulvas, uteruses, etc. Because you can be a man and have a uterus, a gyn doctor does, in fact, have male patients. Most that I have been to ask about this on their intake forms. Same with obstetricians. They work with pregnant people, but that doesn't mean all of their patients are women.

[@Jullancska]

Very interesting, how are you going to shield the child from society? curious how you will present your child when asked about their gender after its born? Will you choose a gender neutral name? Wouldn't this aproach hinder its confidence as its growing up? Not feeling confortable with any of the genders because he was not presented with the "norm"? Please don't take it the wrong way, just curious how are you planning to raise a child in this circumstance, if they are surrounded by a totally different majority.

[@immyfleur3791]

I am also curious about the above because unfortunately these views are not the same as the majority of people in society so how do you navigate that? For example if you chose to dress the child in both boy and girl clothes, people in the public will likely refer to them as a reflection of what they're wearing, would you correct them? And if you chose not to correct them, might that eventually become confusing for the child? I have chosen to raise my children as per their assigned gender at birth. When they are old enough (my oldest is only 3 at the moment) I will give them all the information I possibly can about the different genders out there and will support whatever they decide to do with that information.

[@jude2032]

@@immyfleur3791 I think the clothing issue is incredibly easy - you can correct people on it, no ones saying that's a negative thing. Especially since correcting them also reminds them that the idea that certain colours or pieces of clothing are only for a specific gender is ridiculous.

[@hundekacke]

When I started studying I learned about botany and I was so thrilled by the fact that life and nature is so complex its so hard to give an easy answer on things. The problem is that most people want easy answers I mean we saw during the pandamic what happens when people desperately need simple answers and make up an entire new reality in their mind. Life is not as simple as is nothing that is existing.

[@simonferocious868]

As a trans person, I have a lot of thoughts about "gender reveals" and assigning gender to babies. But mostly, it boils down to: let the kid figure it out but also have fun with it. My mom was excited to have a daughter and dressed me in frilly little outfits, until I was conscious enough to say I didn't want it. I don't resent her for the pink nursery, or princess dress when I was one. I'm grateful she listened to me when I was a toddler and said no to those things. When I'm a dad, I will definitely do the old fashioned "boy baby in a suit" or "girl baby in a frilly dress" for special occasions, because that stuff is fun. But if my kid ever says they don't want that, I will ask them what they do want. (None of this is parenting advice, by the way. Just one guys opinion based on my experience being raised "female")

[@graceenglish9169]

Beyong your nearest and dearest who actually love you and the thing you've made, people are only asking pregnant people questions about their baby to be polite or make conversation out of feigned interest

[@sarahmorales24]

I'm aware that my future kids may be trans, or just not corform with their birth genitalia, but I would like to know, in a way I'm so happy that people like you are so understanding, educated and open minded, but at the same time, isn't it too extreme? It's okay if you want to keep your baby sex a surprise, but I don't think it's bad or weird to want to know their sex.

[@jude2032]

No one said it's bad to want to know. Gender reveals are a bit... weird I do agree with that. Because realistically, why ARE you having a party to announce which genitals you're growing inside you? But wanting to know for your own child is fine.

[@sarahmorales24]

@@jude2032 so if I want to share it with my friends and family is not fine?

[@jude2032]

@@sarahmorales24 No, I never said that. Having a baby is exciting and lots of people want to share all the details.

[@hadasd555]

Damn that was a flood of information! Definitely gonna have to come back for a rewatch after I let some of it sink in

[@Cappyandme101]

When my mum was pregnant with me and was asked by random strangers ‘what are you having?’ She would answer ‘an alien’ or ‘I’m really hoping for a dinosaur’

[@dididondon555]

I am curious...how are you going to raise the baby? Are you going to leave them genderless until they are old enough to say? I feel like this might have a negative impact on them in terms of feeling different to other kids or feeling confused and pressured to pick a gender themselves..it can also affect how they bond with others and a lot socially...curious to know your thoughts or anyone who has a similar experience.

[@anyawillowfan]

Great info as always Hannah. Can you please do a video regarding the 'all I want is a happy and healthy baby'. As a person who became disabled in life I was a healthy baby, but some disabilities are present since birth. While I fully understand the mental, emotional, and financial issues associated with having a disabled child, I still find it difficult when people say all they want is a healthy baby. Of course I know you will love your child no matter what, as will many potential parents, but the focus on wanting (as opposed to hoping for) a healthy child makes me feel that those of us with disabilities/chronic illnesses aren't wanted in society). I know this isn't what you mean, but just as society has created gender roles and pressures from birth, assumptions that babies should be happy and healthy (and while this comment is mostly about being considered healthy, children and teens who aren't happy (for any reason) are constantly being told that parents expect their children to be happy), adds to anti-disability sentiments.

[@gemgh420]

I intend on staying child free but I still watch fertility/pregnancy content because wow it's so interesting - I just have to say how wonderful of an ally you are to gender minorities in all your content. It's hugely affirming and appreciated, thank you Hannah!

[@Emmaa-jn4qk]

As an also pregnant person, this was all so fascinating! When you mentioned about the social scripts and people just askingabout how far along you are/what you're having, it hit me why I love my mother-in-law. When we told her, she immediately asked how I'm feeling and constantly checks in with me asking how I'm doing - not as an incubator for her grandchild. It's so important to be recognised as a person!

[@dcashley303]

One thing I'd say is you'd have a BIG hill to climb if you didn't want to assign their gender at all and let them tell you their gender. The child is being born into a world that simply does not allow that. They will almost certainly feel pressures to conform to a binary as do most people. This could potentially have detrimental effects also. Raising a child to express their individuality and to provide them with an open environment where they can be their true selves is the most important thing.

[@SN-or7xg]

So if you DON’T assign a gender at birth, then when the baby grows up no matter what gender they feel they are, they won’t belong to either the cis community or the trans community? Surely this will result in even more isolation.

[@dian7131]

Great video! But I remember to hear from a disabled creator that wishing for a healthy baby was a bit ableist (?) It was a long time ago so maybe I’m not completely right but kinda makes sense. Either way, I would love to hear your opinion on this :)

[@Beaverthing]

Knowing the assumed sex of my baby when I was pregnant helped me with bonding. And really, just fathoming that I was indeed growing a tiny human being. But we did (and still do!) spend a lot of energy trying to make sure that we're mindful of gendered norms and expectations. If a scan could have told me their main interests (at the moment they're diggers, rainbow rain boots and giraffes) I would have booked that too, even if the answers were likely to change over time.

[@sallybutler9468]

Oh my goodness I needed this video during my pregnancy to share with everyone!! I have a 5 week old and we didn’t find out what we were having either for the same reasons and it drove me mad how obsessed everyone was with what it was!

[@sewcolourful9956]

I'm about a month behind you pregnancy wise. We opted to find out what we were having purely to help us with names more. We were really struggling to find boy names we liked so we felt if we knew what we were having, it could help us narrow down names easier. We are also not a fan of overly gendered baby clothes, and luckily our families haven't bought us any overly gendered clothing. We've both said she can be whoever she wants to be, and if she identifies as male later on we will be supportive of that. I agree the whole gender reveal parties are a bit weird 🤣

[@Sam4G0d]

Loved this video - so informative. I'm not pregnant atm, but already know that if I ever have a biological child, I wouldn't want to know their gender. I also find gender-reveal parties extremely weird. Hope you're doing well, Hannah :)

[@middleearthpuzzles]

My go to question is “what surprised you most about being pregnant?” I’ve found if I start with that, when I ask “how are you doing?” They feel more comfortable to answer as truthfully as they feel like, rather than the “fine/excited/ready to meet baby” standards social script

[@hannahwitton]

Oooh hadn’t thought of it like that but very true and love that question!

[@taradaycatalortaraifyourno8482]

Your child is going to be confused. Letting them know what they are born as won’t affect them cause you two prove no matter what you love them. Your child if they go with their assigned gender will most likely think your nuts for doing all this on a very small chance.

[@Consterification]

As someone who had a baby last year I totally agree with everything you said EXCEPT that unless you’re planning on raising your child fully gender neutral (they/them pronouns, not telling anyone their sex ever etc) which is fair enough, not finding out what genitals it has during pregnancy only delays the inevitable onslaught of everyone being OBSESSED with the ‘gender’ whether you want them to or not. People wait until they are born to buy clothes/ cards/ gifts, even if you specifically tell them you don’t want to do traditional gender stuff. If you don’t find out in advance and get the ‘reveal’ over with in as low key way as possible then all everyone cares about when the baby is born is ‘is it a boy or a girl?!?!??’ 🙄🙄

[@IonIsFalling7217]

Them: “So what are you having?” Me: “Well we *hope* it’s a baby, but there was that incident with the aliens…..”

[@jlbeeen]

I'm glad my parents didn't force gender roles on me. They did make me wear dresses, but my dad also made me wooden trucks, played with blocks and Lego with me, I wore both boys and girls clothes a lot, and I liked it. Even as an adult, my body doesn't fit into most women's clothes, and I've had hormone issues where I get really painful periods, nausea, and will grow facial hair if I don't take stuff for it, so I wonder if something is going on. I also sing tenor, which unfortunately most choirs say I'm not allowed to because I'm "a girl." I actually identify as agender female (no gender, but biologically female and not wanting to have surgery), but it's hard when you don't fit in either box. I'm glad as a kid that was more acceptable, but as an adult, it's hard when you don't know how much to say to be yourself, but not put yourself in danger.

[@timikaballantyne6144]

I ABSOLUTELY agree with this! Another reason for me to not find out about my babies genitals is that this is the only true surprise that you will have in your life

[@tiarnimaree9104]

Hey Hannah, I’m pregnant also and I would think to myself “People who don’t want to know the gender are crazy” (Obviously jokingly). I have every intention of decorating the babies room the same regardless of the genitals and was planing on giving it my best to dress them in a way that doesn’t buy in to gender stereotypes. My question is, how are you navigating naming? Is this something where you have chosen unisex names or have you simply picked names that you like and obviously would be flexible and accepting if the baby one day wants to change it to suit their identity? Loved this video! Super informative and helpful for me.

[@SamAronow]

But without a gender-reveal party, how will you and Dan start an out-of-control wildfire in a national park?

[@ChadDeanxo]

Honestly your whole adventure of initially becoming being pregnant, and the progress yourself, Dan, and baby Witton have made. I’m sure I’m not the only one who thought it would be so easy to become pregnant, especially since consciously trying, and it does really open your eyes from an outside perspective on how hard trying to conceive really is! As a homosexual individual this opens up my eyes to this side of peoples relationships and lives, so I must thank you for opening my eyes and allowing us to learn from your life experience with such a personal time in yourself and Dans life.

[@annaw9687]

This is a really interesting topic and it feels like there’s no right way to go about it. I fully agree with raising a child without gender stereotypes and accepting who they are if they later tell you (even at a young age) they are trans or something else. I can also appreciate how it’s helpful to trans people to not perpetuate binary stereotypes of gender. However, I don’t really see the point in keeping the genitals a secret before baby is born for the reasons you discussed unless you’re also going to never tell anyone, raise them gender neutral and use they/them pronouns until they decide when they’re old enough? No judgement either way but I saw your reply to another comment saying you aren’t planning on they/them pronouns so just wondering what’s the difference between announcing before or after birth?

[@caitie226]

I imagine they will do a “genital reveal” at some point, even though Hannah has expressed a bit of disdain for the concept! I think it’s quite common to do it a birth instead of during the pregnancy. The distinction seems a little arbitrary to me, but I don’t think either is bad or wrong!

[@ThatRomyKate]

Hmm, that’s an interesting point. If you’re going to call them a boy or girl after birth (until they’re old enough to make up their own mind) then what difference would it make doing that before they’re born? 🤔

[@IceNixie0102]

We often went with like "Hoping for a puppy!" "Hoping for a unicorn!"

[@zelenoye]

I try to be LGBTQ+ ally, and I try to be friendly and accepting of trans and non-binary and intersex people. That said, it is still statistically more likely for babies to be cis, right? In my mind it's like that: you raise children like non-binary and most of them will be confused and some will be great, in theory. You raise children in binary and most of them will be fine (if you check the patriarchy) and some will be miserable. Idk. Both variants seem to have pros and cons. My baby is 10 month old. And I live in Russia. For me the non-binary upbringing seems very unrealistic. I suspect if I said that my son is not my son but a non-binary individual until they say otherwise... My family and friends would turn down on us. This child would have no support. And I think it's much worse to be a pariah from the very start then have a chance of being miserable later. And I plan to tell my child about LGBTQ+ and acceptance from the beginning. I just don't see how it would've been possible to have "him" to be "them".

[@rebekahwalkarden4876]

As someone who had a very traumatic miscarriage last year I think it makes me this time around want to know and hold onto every single detail about my baby even though I want to try my hardest not to let it’s life be bound by stereotypes. I really appreciate all the info in this video though and would be very interested in hearing about your plans for gender neutral parenting and naming.

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[@AprilAyden]

I support everyone whoever they want to be HOWEVER my baby is a boy or a girl until they tell me otherwise!

[@georgianab8466]

Not trying to offend anyone, really! Buy I find it hard to understand how "a person with a vulva is not a female and a person with a penis is not a male"... Is this not "the norm"? I am totally for acceptance and I think everybody should do/be whatever makes them happy as long as they are not harming others, but I think we are going too far sometimes, trying to be "politically correct". I don't see how it's incorrect to assume 🍆= 🧔. Hope I don't offend anyone with my opinion...

[@jude2032]

That would be very simply because sex and gender aren't automatically connected. This was explained quite in detail in the video though so I'm not sure how you didn't pick it up. It's just science - genitalia does not link to your gender at all.

[@georgianab8466]

@@jude2032 ok smartass

[@laurarobinson6011]

THIS HANNAH! Thank you for talking about this! I have been experiencing this ever since I announced my pregnancy. I appreciate the tips and responses you shared at the end. Hope you and baby are doing well ❤️

[@AnneleenRoesems]

This is a very insightful video! I also wouldn't want people randomly asking about my bay's genitals. I do wonder about names though. I know that there are gender neutral names, but I also feel like that is a very small pool to choose from (but that might just be me not knowing enough gender neutral names). How do people who don't want to know their babies genitals decide on a name? This sounds like a stupid question, but I'm really just curious and I want to learn ❤ Would you only look at gender neutral names? Or would you have a set of options for when they have a penis and different options for when they have a vulva? Or is there some other way of going about it that I'm not thinking off? I really love the idea of not imposing gender roles onto your children and it's something I plan on doing if I ever have children, but this is just something I have a bit of trouble with understanding. If you or any of the viewers could help with this, I would be very grateful ❤

[@jenicat55]

simple - we made a list of names we liked and when baby arrived we chose the name we liked the best for them.

[@mariannecotte6141]

Hey Anneleen, I'm pregnant and we've decided not to ask about our baby's genitals either. As for baby names, since we're French the gender neutral names pool is even smaller and quite old-school, so we plan on making a list of "girl names", a list of "boy names" and pick the name we prefer after we meet the wee one. If they turn out to be intersex, I guess we'll choose a gender neutral name. Hope that answered your questions!

[@AnneleenRoesems]

Hi Marianne en Jenni, thank you both for sharing your experiences! I guess it's not that different from choosing a name when you do know the genitals then. My mom always tells me that she gave my brother a name that her and my dad hadn't even considered before they actually met him. I guess sometimes you'll just know when you know 😊

[@Kaleysia]

I can of course only speak for myself but we actually had a gender neutral name we both liked before I even got pregnant. I know that's not the norm, but it's how it was for us 😅

[@intuitivelyeating6702]

My parents didn't find out the genitals of my younger siblings. As far as I can remember they just made a list of possible names that included both traditionally male and female names, then decided on a final name once the baby was born. The baby was just called "baby" until that point.

[@emmi3785]

Some years ago my dad asked if my friend had a boy or a girl. "I don't know." "How you don't know? Baby is already few months old. Aren't you interested?" "Why would I be interested? I know that mum and baby are healthy. That's all that matters. Why should I need to know if the baby is a boy or a girl?" "Well, because...you just should!" "No, I don't." 😁 First steps with this topic. If I know him well enough, I'm quite sure he is not familiar with difference between sex and gender etc. "The baby" is now a few years old and they might be risen as a boy, but I don't care, so I actually don't remember. 🤣 (I have not met the child.)

[@thequeerrunner5745]

I aaaaalways feel my tiny shrivelled heart grow when Hannah shows her support for my community. Also - I learn a lot too because while I am a trans masc non-binary person, I don’t know everything about it.

[@killiansirishbeer]

I don't want to be rude or hurt people. I understand part of the reasoning behind saying there's no female or male body, but biologically, physiologically there are, and they're important. One problem that comes to mind is the testing and administration of medical drugs. There are huge issues about the fact that a lot of drugs aren't tested on/for 'women'. Laws have been past and, on human testing, there needs to be a minimum % of female participants. But even so, posology (how much drug should be given, and how often) is based on the idea of the cis, white male, age 40, 177cm, 70kg. And even when the posology is based on kilogrammes alone, it still disadvantageous to women/female biology because it doesn't eliminate drugs at the same rate as the 'male' body. And those are real issues for global health.

[@kerstinsartory8995]

As a biology student at university, let me tell you: Even with merely a glimpse into sex and gender biology - it is freaking complicated!

[@caitie226]

Completely! Nothing in science is ever what it says on the tin.

[@AmandaStein-l5w]

This is 100% besides the point but: to see a non-autistic person acknowledging that they also rely on scripts and also have a hard time going off script was nice :) such a great video

[@neesh5208]

Just a question from a curious perspective- Will you use the terms son or daughter to describe your baby once they are born?

[@shellfx3542]

I really love these types of videos, enjoyable & educational! I love how you give people suggestions about how they can educate others in a day to day setting :)