Working with Deep Fears of Rejection - with Lynn Lyons, LICSW

[@nickjsky1]

It's nice to hear a therapist acknowledge that judgement and rejection are very real and not just an irrational belief by the patient.

[@CB19087]

Have "the courage to be disliked"! Great book 👌

[@tuxedoneko9837]

So true, knowing one's boundaries and having the language skills to "enforce" them are two very different skills

[@100Denario]

People also need support to set boundaries. Without functional family and without much agency, it’s just you against the world and it’s very hard to maintain boundaries without any backing at all.

[@kimberknutson831]

This is really good and makes a lot of sense to me. Thank you. I am not like this, but I was raised by someone like this, which is weird because my mother is also an extrovert. I am an introvert, but I learned how to appear to be an extrovert by observing and modeling my mother's behavior, and that "skill" has often served me in my professional life. I am 59 and have not had contact with my mother for about 20 years and have peace about it. My 24 year-okd daughter only met her a couple of times. I used to think that my mother was schizophrenic, but I now think she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder like the former Orange president if of the U.S. Of course, my mother has never been diagnosed because nothing is wrong with her because everything is everyone else's fault or whatever. I am not a professional therapist, but I have had a therapist off and on for most of my adult life. My current therapist alluded to this site a couple of years ago, and I often "lurk" and am grateful for the important work that you and your colleagues are doing to help save us from ourselves. Hah! Thanks again. : )

[@unicorndreammaliah]

Thanks for this. I can relate to the abusive relationship thing, so scared of being left/ending I kept going on with it for months

[@winterroses2020]

I like the observation that there could be fear of having what one is saying rejected. This sounds like this could include fear of gaslighting if someone has PTSD from that kind of emotional abuse. The problem is what kind of language could be used to set boundaries against gaslighting, especially in casual, everyday situations where it might be encountered, such as from customer service. I think there are some situations in adulthood where setting a boundary against that kind of retraumatization might not be possible, for example if someone is locked into a contract, or perhaps it is with a utility that has a monopoly, etc.

[@FairyGirlMagic]

Makes so much sense to me now... I am a female DA (dismissiv avoidant), but my attachmentstyle depends on the inbetween human relationship I have to a person. With my friends and parts of my family I am secure attached. But as soon it comes to men in a dating context I am extremly avoidant and cause I am afraid, they will hurt me/reject me. I can give my female friends guidance which behavour is okay and which not, but I for myself can't speak out my wishes, needs boundaries etc. I am afraid, they (men) will push me away, when I am doing it, so I tolerate too much...

[@Hunlang24]

This what I experiencing all the time

[@gailfisher1350]

When a so called friend picks a fight screaming at you after you try to give them constructive ideas. They attack you verbally and don't stop. They go into a diatribe that can go on for forty five minutes. The important thing is to avoid being with them. No relationship should hurt one person all the time

[@MM-km5zf]

Why would you tolerate it even for five minutes?

[@arnaudinstalle]

​@@MM-km5zf if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, it's all you've ever known, so you've never had the ability to learn how to set healthy boundaries.

[@MM-km5zf]

but there comes a point in everyone's life where you make decisions for yourself to heal, to learn about self-care and boundaries; there is so much information out there; ignorance is no longer a reasonable reason after years and years of this@@arnaudinstalle

[@isaaca6445]

I'm sorry i couldn't make the connection between rejection, boundaries and a lot of what was being talked about.

[@michaelschoen6293]

Hi Isaac, I had the opposite experience. This resonated completely with me, I have never asked for anything in my relationship - taken only what was offered. (Which in itself is a continuation of my childhood experience) I have tolerated all sorts of poor behaviour over the years without even raising my concerns beyond the occasional hint of dissatisfaction, and of course, now I'm in the situation where. I have a relationship that I don't like I don't enjoy I don't feel safe. All of this is because I have never been able to actually create and hold a boundary and believe that I am worthy of holding that boundary. It's great that I can now see that that's the case - but I have quite a lot of work to do to dig myself out of this very deep hole. Thank you Lynn for articulating it so well.

[@lukefrantz4985]

This makes way too much sense.