WTF Matt?

Where have I been since May? Why no videos? WTF?
Inspiring booktube friends:
‪@mikesbookreviews‬
‪@thefantasynuttwork‬
‪@RafBlutaxt‬
‪@blacknbluecollarreader‬
‪@ToriTalks2‬
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[@mikesbookreviews]

We all need a break sometimes. Always remember to take care of yourself first. Glad to see you back!

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Mike. You’re the #1 inspiration that got me started in the first place, so very glad to hear from you. 🙂

[@ulrika44]

When I met my husband to be, he was upfront with all his problems, so i knew who he really was, good and bad. I decided to give it a go, and that was the best decision I’ve ever made. He still has depression on and off, medical problems and more but we work it through together and we have now been together over 12 years. I love him, plain and simple, EVEN if he himself says that he didn’t think he was worthy of my love in the beginning. Big hug to you Matt. You are on the right path, partner or not! ❤

[@MattonBooks]

You’re obviously a very special woman, Ulrike. ♥️ That gives me some hope that I could be open & honest about my goods & bads, and maybe find a special woman too. 🙂

[@almaaguado347]

Hi Matt, happy to see you. Thank you for speaking so openly about an illness so spread but so hiden at the same time. I have missed you videos!. We will be here when u feel you can pop up, even if only from time to time. Cuidate!

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Alma. ♥️ The regulars like you are a lot of what brought me back. 🙂

[@JosephReadsBooks]

I'm the same as you when it comes to depression and binging video games. Thanks for sharing. Like you said in the video, being open about struggles with depression help normalize the conversation and it makes it easier for others who struggle with it.

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Joseph. 🙂 It feels good to be open about it finally, and maybe even helps to keep up the motivation in the low times. We’ll see. Thanks for your support. ♥️

[@christopherwurtz650]

Hang in there brother. Good to have you back.

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Christopher. 🙂

[@Johanna_reads]

Continually sending you love and support, my friend! I’ve missed you and appreciate your openness about a difficult topic. ❤️🫂

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Johanna. 😘 Missing you and other booktuber friends is one of the main reasons I’m back. ♥️

[@safinan8008]

Hi 👋 welcome back… I’ve lost my husband after almost 23 years.. it was hard… I didn’t comment on any KZbin channel… but once I told everyone youtube everyone was supportive, also I luv being with in this book community it gets me through a lot…. You take your time with everything we will be here for you…. Thank you!! 🎉🎉

[@MattonBooks]

Hi Safina! Yeah, I remember when you mentioned that. I’m so glad the channel & community has helped you. You and all the regulars who’ve been watching & commenting for so long are what I missed, and I’m glad to be back and see you again. ♥️

[@safinan8008]

@@MattonBooks look after urself 😊

[@michaelk.vaughan8617]

Depression sounds like a terrible challenge to deal with. I’m glad to see that you are working your way through it and have returned to your wonderful channel. I hope to see more of you.

[@MattonBooks]

Hey Michael, I never even realised you watch me blather on about books. 🙂 Love your channel, especially since you focus on many of the oldies that I also love. ♥️ Good to see you here, and thanks for your support.

[@liviajelliot]

Hi Matt it's so good to see you again - and let me tell you something, you are worthy and lovable as you are! Depression can be Balrog-like, but you are a champion for dealing with it and keep it going. I agree that mental health is as important as physical health (two sides of the same coin, right?) and that so many BookTubers (and other famous people) are becoming more and more open; it's due time we normalise it. Big hugs, take care, and do it at your own pace! As you very well said, every deals with mental health differently.

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Livia. ♥️ It’s good to be back. 🙂

[@CNavo.TheNextChapter]

Thank you for taking the time to put out an update video, Matt. Mental health can sometimes be a tough subject to share. I had to take a small break from the Tube myself, dealing mostly with self-doubt issues and confidence...or lack of it. Your health comes first and if you need another break then take it, we aren't going anywhere. It was great to chat with you and everyone else yesterday. On a positive note, Yes BG3, Starfield have been a blast to play and I'd like to include the awesome updates to Cyberpunk 2077. Cheers for now Matt!

[@MattonBooks]

Was great to see you again on the live chat, mate. ♥️ And if it helps any: when I saw your very first video, I was a little embarrassed at my production quality! 😆 You’re a relatively new booktuber, but your lighting, audio, and camera presence make it look like you’ve been doing it for years. Keep it up & I look forward to seeing you live again soon.

[@mattkean1128]

It's great that people are openly talking about these things more. Glad to see you.

[@MattonBooks]

Appreciate it Matt. 🙂

[@johanjoseph4802]

I've had a lack of zest for life for about 6 to 7 years now. Adding to that is my crippling fear of failing to meet personal and family expectations. I'm just 25 and I've already spent a quarter of my life in this phase. It sucks the extrovert in me and it's made me more of a loner inside my room. I hope to at least have a decent happy life in my 30s. Stay strong Matt. One step at a Time 💚

[@MarinaC2112]

Hi Matt, welcome back. Hope you will feel better soon. Your live yesterday really helped to raise my spirits. Wasn’t able to watch all of it but will definitely do it soon.

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Marina. 🙂 Good to be back, and good to see you again. ♥️

[@Wouter_K]

Thank you for sharing that. A very relatable way of coping with feelings of depression and even if it wasn't, a story worth listening to. Please be kind to yourself and work on doing the things and finding the people and activities that help you feel better. And from your story I get that it is a great step that you're connecting again with the booktube community!

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Wouter. 🙂 I’m working on it, and being back on booktube is definitely good for me. ♥️

[@thebigshep]

I'm late in watching this, but I thought I ought to say that my depression manifests in much the same way-- in a total lack of motivation. In 2021 it got so bad I had to drop out of college, and I'm still trying to put that back together. I'm glad you're back, and I'm not sure if it's any kind of help but you should know I bought The Spear Cuts Through Water based solely on your review alone and that's something I rarely do for a book I haven't heard of. I'm looking forward to reading it and seeing more of your videos!

[@MattonBooks]

Good to see you again, Shep. 🙂 I think it’s safe to say that the only thing better for a booktuber than someone getting a book they recommended, is if they end up loving it. I really hope you do - it’s SUCH a good book. ♥️ Hope both of our black dogs backs off enough for us to enjoy life a bit more.

[@RexRoss77]

Matt, I absolutely love your channel brother. I know what you're going through as I've been suffering from mental health issues (bipolar disorder and general anxiety) since I was a small child and I'm about to be 46 next month. So for a very long time. And like you I tend to avoid people like the plague and not be motivated to do anything while I'm depressed. In fact, I listen to music that will make me even more depressed. Talk about crazy right? Lol. Anyhow, a lot of us in this community feel the same way. We support you and want to see you healthy and at your best. You just hang in there brother. Better days are ahead.

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Rex. ♥️ Like I said, whenever I’m open about it, the depressed people pop up everywhere .😆 But it also feels like now that I’ve put it out publicly, it might make it a little easier to soldier on through the down times. Why don’t we both try hard to do things that make us feel BETTER when we’re down, instead of wallowing in crap that brings us down? Deal? 🙂

[@Mjwestneat11]

Matt, happy to see you again. I can relate to so much of this video. I also struggle w/ depression and video games have turned into an unhealthy, all consuming escapism for me at times as well. I’m selling my gaming laptop and forcing myself forward as well! I greatly appreciate your honesty. Much respect!

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks very much Mikey. ♥️ Hope just ts all upwards for you from now on.

[@enno108]

Hey Matt, happy to see you. It sounds tough and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Thanks for sharing it on your channel and helping to normalize talking about mental health. Lots of good wishes to you.

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Enno. 🙂 Sharing certainly doesn’t solve the problem, but it does make it lighter somehow. And maybe it also makes it a bit lighter for other folks who’re struggling too. Good to see you here, brother. ♥️

[@vascosaraiva9980]

A few days ago I was checking my KZbin subscriptions, as I normally do daily, and then thought to myself randomly: "Hey! Where's Matt on Books?". You've been missed Matt. It's great to have you back. I've also been through a rough phase in my life, and I can relate to much of what you said. But then there are always little things, like your channel, that make things a little easier to bare. So keep going Matt. The harder the world, the fiercer the honour.

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Vasco. 🙂 Everyone’s been so kind about my return, it really does make a lot of things feel easier. ♥️

[@ToriTalks2]

Matt, you couldn’t let us down by taking care of yourself. 💜 I’m so sorry for all the heavy things you’ve had to carry, and I hope that your return to Booktube and the community is uplifting and supportive for you. 💜 I know how hard it is to create content when you are struggling with mental illness, and I’m sending you big hugs. Depression is such a horrible drain, and you do whatever you need to to take care of you. But I hope you can lean on the community for encouragement and love. And a note from one self-critic to another… we are loveable, even when we don’t see it in ourselves. 💜

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Tori. ♥️ You’re the main inspiration for this video, so your support means a hell of a lot to me. And yeah, the booktube tribe’s been super. I’m feeling pretty good about being back. 🙂

[@Stewart000]

Yay! You recorded & posted a video! Matt, please take care of yourself. We'll be here. Hope the book you will read will be a 5 / 5 star read.

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Stewart. 🙂 I’ve got so many books lined up that I’m certain are at least **** reads, so looking forward to it.

[@madisongoodyear5040]

So glad to have you back!! I completely understand about the disappearing. All the biggest hugs for you.

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Mads. ♥️😘

[@readbykyle3082]

Hey Matt, glad you're back. Take it on your own timetable man. I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing and my DMs are always open. Since the pandemic my depression has come back in much higher force so I get it.

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Kyle. ♥️ Yeah mate, I feel like I got used to being alone and in my flat all the time during the pandemic, and never really got back to “normal.” 😬

[@BooksWithBenghisKahn]

Thanks for the honesty and openness! I’m happy you’re back and am just as happy to see your vids release at your own pace that feels good. I used to be a big video gamer but have much less time for it now and dearly miss it, I’m jealous of all those cool games you got to try!

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Ben. 🙂 I’d be happier if I was better at playing a little every now and then, but to look on the bright side, there is something fun about losing yourself in an amazing game world for a few days.

[@BooksWithBenghisKahn]

@@MattonBooks indeed!

[@sw3dge]

You were missed! Thanks for being willing to talk about this.

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Trev, and thanks for sticking with me. 🙂

[@someokiedude9549]

Depression fucking sucks. I've also been going through the bouts as it tends to get bad when the time changes on my end. I am glad you're in a better place now, and I don't know why I wasn't subbed to you before. I am now!

[@MattonBooks]

Welcome Okie, and thanks for your kind words. 🙂

[@Dkelly-sr9gy]

Fair play Matt I feel I live the exact same life as yourself !! I only found your channel today and enjoyed all the content so far and now subscribing !! Look forward to more content!!

[@MattonBooks]

Hey, welcome to the channel. It’s usually more about books than this video. 😜 Enjoy!

[@LiamsLyceum]

Glad to see you, Matt, depression is a *insert not nice word*. Not the easiest thing to talk about, so I appreciate this and I hope things continue to look up for you.

[@MattonBooks]

Great to see you too, Liam. 🙂 Thanks. ♥️

[@gurkenschnitzel3905]

good your are back ...

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks mate. Good to be back. 🙂

[@carsonsanocki586]

Hang in there Matt, glad you are back!

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Carson. ♥️

[@Kamakazi152.]

Good to see you again Matt! You've definitely been missed. I'm sorry you've been dealing with this, and I hope that this community can give you some support, and help out in some way. Speaking about your struggles like this on a public forum is probably difficult and really scary, but I think it's a great thing to do. It will help other people, and maybe in some cathartic way it helped you as well. I hope things get/are getting better for you.

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks mate, I’ve definitely missed it too. ♥️ Yeah, not so easy to do, but ai do hope it helps others at least feel less alone, if nothing else.

[@Paromita_M]

Hello Matt, welcome back. Its really good to hear from you. What to say...please take care of yourself as much as possible, always prioritise self-care, we will be here. Sending best wishes. 🙏🏽 for sharing. This is so tough but what you said resonated. I missed you too, but not in any kind of "create pressure" way, just I enjoy listening to your thoughts. Take care. Lots of best wishes. 🌷

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Paromita. 🙂 Good to see you here again. You and many of the other regulars are what I missed the most. ♥️

[@Paromita_M]

@@MattonBooks 🌷

[@sasapejcin3568]

I think it's not embarrasing to talk about mental illness because so many people including myself are dealing with that crap! Quite the opposite I think It's powerful to know that we are all humans and the struggling in any way is part of our existence! Also you are very eloquent, intelligent and not at all bad looking man!😉😁

[@MattonBooks]

Haha, thanks Sasa. 😍 Yup, as I said, the more I tell people, the more I learn how common it all is. I hope you’re coping okay, and that you’ve got the support you need. ♥️

[@RedFuryBooks]

Welcome back, Matt! I've definitely missed interacting. I hope you find a great support system and continue to feel great and get back to reading! I appreciate your openness in this video, and I'm sure others will feel the same.

[@MattonBooks]

Good to see you again Josh! 🙂 Missing you and the whole booktuber tribe is one of the main motivations that brought me back. ♥️

[@RedFuryBooks]

Glad you're back and this "tribe" is a fantastic group of people for sure!

[@RafBlutaxt]

Hey Matt! Good on ya for speaking out so openly, I do recognize a lot of myself in your struggles and I'm proud you made it back on here! If you wanna talk publicly or privately I'm always there for you!

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Raf. ♥️ You being so open & honest about your struggles really opened my eyes. Like you I recognised myself, and was blown away by your bravery. It’s very unlikely I’d have made this video without you.

[@royreadsanything]

Great to see you back! Top work going with the 50% of you that wanted to make the video.

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Roy. ♥️ It feels good to be back.

[@108rico]

Hey Matt, thanks for sharing and its a brave thing. In the context of depression not being normalised its very brave. You know I've been through depression too and its very hard to get out of so I hope making this video and and getting back into the channel and the community help. You are one of the most talented people I know who's excelled in a lot of areas and a great friend and just generally awesome. Any time you want to talk, I'd love to. All the best, Rico

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Rico. ♥️ All of that really means a lot to me, especially coming from someone who knows me IRL, and for about 25 years now. And yeah, sharing with the awesome community here does make it all a bit lighter. ♥️

[@ColinsCornerYT]

I have missed you my friend, and seeing your face pop up again in my subscriptions tab with a new video made me very happy! Sorry you’ve been struggling, but I commend you for leaning against the struggle and doing the best you can.

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Colin, great to see you again. 🙂 I’ve been catching up on booktuber videos lately, including yours, and it feels like returning to my tribe after a time away. ♥️

[@jcmberne]

Glad to see you're back, Matt, and sorry you've been having a tough time. We're always here for you, no matter what kind of break you take!

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Joe, that means a lot to me. ♥️ Glad to be back. I missed you all.

[@jeroenadmiraal8714]

I am no stranger to mental health issues, Matt. I've been struggling with a pretty debilitating anxiety problem since childhood, which eventually lead to a burnout, which is now taking me a couple of years already to grow out of. In some ways this leads to similar circumstances as depression, including avoiding the things that could make you happy. Luckily I am looking at a permanent improvement in my situation.

[@MattonBooks]

Good to see you again, Jeroen. 🙂 You and the other loyal regulars are one of the things I missed the most, and made me want to get the camera out again. ♥️ Sorry to hear about your anxiety, mate. I have phases of that occasionally, so I know a bit of how it feels, and man it sucks. A “permanent solution” sounds great, though. Hope it helps. ♥️

[@derrisreaditbefore]

Like Ludo and Hoggle in Labyrinth's magic mirror, we'll always be here when you need us. So many of us share the struggle of living with Depression and all the associated troughs of people fatigue. I'm glad, properly glad, that you leapt on this bit of oomph and used it to let us know you're still in the fight. 😘

[@MattonBooks]

So are you Ludo or Hoggle, Derri? 🤔 Thanks for the support! ♥️ I’ve missed you and all our booktuber tribe so much - that’s a large part of what brought me back. Can’t wait to chat Liveships with you soon. I’ll be in touch. 😘

[@georginatoland]

This was my first video of yours to see. I dunno how the Algorithm knows these things, but let’s just say that you and I have much in common. Things do get better over time, even when Life serves you up a whole tray of awfulness all at once. Subscribing now. ❤

[@MattonBooks]

Wow Georgina, odd place to start, I guess. 😆 Thanks for the sun, and I hope you like book stuff too, since that’s what I usually post. 🙂

[@mediafreak5609]

Hey Matt glad you are doing better take your time man do whatever is best for your mental health and take care of yourself KZbin will always be here ❤

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks mate! ♥️

[@laurac56]

Yay Matt! I stopped Hobb when the “dragon books” are next. I can’t read them until you “make me.” The Hobb livestreams kept me on course and I did finish the Tawny Man books and I loved them. But dragons! 😢 HELP! I’ll wait until you are ready. Welcome back!

[@MattonBooks]

Damn Laura, I don’t want to be keeping you from reading awesome books! 😆 I’m sure you’ve got others in the meantime. Now that I’m back, I do want to get the ladies together again for a Liveships chat, and dive into Fool’s Errand. So I’m a little behind you apparently, but we’ll get there. Good to see you again. ♥️

[@vaughnroycroft999]

Powerful message, Matt. I'm guessing it might make you cringe a bit, but I find your openness and raw honesty very brave. The cycle you describe of disappointing yourself and withdrawing sounds very much like my writing life has been. Every time I've had some success, some form of rejection (which is an extremely inevitable and necessary part of the gig) will send me off the rails. I tell myself I'm quitting, I wallow and sulk--all of which only serves to make me more miserable. My longest fallow period like this went on for a couple of years, after I came very close to landing a traditional publishing deal. At some point, the characters always get demanding, and come to me at night with, "We're not going to be ignored--you think you can just walk away from us?" I guess it's a case where voices in one's head are a good thing. Getting back to the page, step-by- drudging step, sentence-by-sentence, eventually pulls me back to forward momentum. I just went through a smaller-scale version of this after releasing The Severing Son. So many folks enjoyed it and praised it (including you, thanks again, so very much), but the voices of those who didn't get it just kept resonating, like a bell that wouldn't stop ringing in my head. I'd intended to get all three books of the trilogy out in short succession, but on top of book one's sort of "meh" sales and reviews result, I got a little bit of feedback on book two that sent me off the rails again. For several months. Step-by-step, I eventually did yet another complete revision of book two, which I'm happy with. But more importantly, the work showed me (yet again) who I really am, and what I'm meant to be doing. I decided that this is exactly the story I set out to tell, and that's the only thing that matters. How others receive it is on them, not me. I'm a few weeks from finally pulling the trigger, and I can only hope that the lesson of my last experience sticks--that none of the external stuff matters. Certainly not sales (I'm not doing this to make money, which I'm sure is true for you, too). Storytelling is what I do. It's how I learn about myself and the world, and keep myself grounded. There are people for whom the story connects, and any human connection is worthy of my effort. Sorry for the long "me-focused" comment, but I'm telling you this because you're making meaningful connections here, too. I feel like it's a very similar circumstance, and the feeling makes me feel less alone. So hopefully it's the same on your end. I'm very glad to see you back. I wish you serenity and an end to the self-perpetuating cycles that keep us from it.

[@vaughnroycroft999]

Not sure how I managed to execute the strikethrough. It's unintended on my part, fwiw.

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Vaughn. 🙂 Good to see you again - I’ve missed your thoughtful comments. ♥️ I can’t even imagine how tough it is to be an author. I’ve had phases of wanting to write, starting to write, and quickly talking myself out of it before I got very far. Looks a bit like cutting your heart out, showing it to the whole world, and asking them what they think of it. Extremely thick skin and a very stable ego are required, it seems. If I can say anything, it’s that even the super successful authors aren’t for everyone, and get one star reviews. Focus hard on the people who DO connect to your stories, and keep in mind almost nobody’s first book is insanely successful, and keep writing because you have stories to tell. ♥️

[@woutdeclercq4742]

I am glad you are back! You got me into the Farseer trilogy and it would be fun to hear your opinions about the books again! Have a nice day and greetings from Belgium.

[@MattonBooks]

Hey, if I got anyone into Realm of the Elderlings, I can say my work here is done. 😆 I’m looking forward to getting the ladies back together for a Liveships chat, so look for that soon(ish). Thanks for the support. It’s good to be back. ♥️

[@AndrewsWizardlyReads]

Sending love and support Matt!

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Wiz! 😘

[@AuthorJohnADouglas]

Nothing but love, Matt. I’ll keep you in my prayers. I wish I had something to say that doesn’t sound like a cheap platitude, but I know from my own dealings in the past it’s just nice to know someone is there and they care

[@MattonBooks]

It is nice, John. Thanks so much. ♥️🙂

[@jamesdawson2937]

Thanks Matt, I really enjoy your insightful reviews. Health and happiness to you.

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks very much James. Same to you. 🙂

[@agentswarley]

Hi Matt :) I can really understand how the disappointment in oneself is real, when we make all these great plans and in theory know what is good for us and what is fun, but then fail to keep up. I think this would be true for anyone, even without the dark cloud or shackle of depression around. I hope you get the outside support you need and wish you all the best! And also, me personally, I don’t feel disappointed by you not posting. Of course I am happy to see a new video, but I always view it like every video is a gift on its own. I have no right to expect one, there is no contract, each video stands on its own. Also, the absence of new videos does not impair the quality of the videos that came before or my enjoyment of them. So post, whenever you feel like posting! Sending you warm wishes from Potsdam

[@MattonBooks]

Potsdam! You’re around the corner. 😳 Not many people I’ve bumped into on booktube are anywhere nearby. Thanks for the understanding and support. I really does mean a lot to me. ♥️

[@agentswarley]

@@MattonBooks yes, I‘m around the corner :) That‘s one of the reasons I wanted to leave a comment, to send you a well meant wave 👋 thanks for the recommendation of Otherland in the livestream, btw. I hope to check it out one day, as here the bookshops do not have a lot of Fantasy (or anything else, that I’m interested in, really) and I often prefer reading in English, especially, if that’s the language a book was written in originally. That said, my TBR is big enough at the moment and I haven’t been reading too much this year 😅

[@verosnotebook]

Depression is pretty horrible, insidious, and taints everything. I sympathise since I suffer from it too, with a good dose of anxiety. Still, I can understand how difficult it was to speak about it. I can’t even imagine being in front of a camera, let alone talk about such a personal topic, even though I’d love to have an active part in this group. Hang in there! Focus on one goal, an attainable one, and be kind to yourself. Have you looked into ways of helping, such as journaling, mindfulness, exercise, etc? You’re not alone - we’re here whenever you want to chat. Sending you love and support 💚 P.S. Shaun Tan’s picture book The Red Tree shows what Depression feels like, or rather a version. It is beautiful and heart wrenching, and made in a way that young readers can experience it too. We can all feel Depression, at any age, once or chronically, and there is Hope.

[@MattonBooks]

As I mentioned, every second time I “out” myself about this, someone tells me they have the same problem. But being open about it is also always a relief, somehow. Hope you’ve got some support with your struggle, Vero. I’ve got a good therapist, and she helps a lot, but it’s a longer process of course. Great to see you and the other regulars again Vero. You’re a lot of what I missed, and what brought me back. ♥️

[@francoisbouchart4050]

Take care of yourself Matt. We need to be kind to ourselves and each other. I love your content but I prefer that you put out only a little content, or no content, than for you to feel obligated to put out content. Reading and doing videos should be for the joy of it, and never an anchor that pulls you down or makes you feel bad about yourself. You and your videos are quality; and quality beats out quantity every time. Peace ☮️.

[@MattonBooks]

Thanks Francois. ♥️ Happy to see you here again.