You Were In Love With The Illusion

[@toneman335]

The victim of a narc is so focused on what they want the Narc to be that they are blinded to what they actually are. Which is a demonic, manipulative illusion.

[@andrewnewbold7246]

We make the mistake of falling in love with someone's potential. We truly loved who they could have been potentially.

[@DSD]

So very true Andrew!

[@adrianacamacho5722]

That what I definitly learned, never fall in love with the potential fall in love with the person right in front of you. People that have actions match their words is who you want to align with in general, even beside romantic relationships. Empaths that are stuck in this are empaths that dont know when to turn the love faucet off. But just know, you were able to love a monster...so just know that make your love a super power, just know when to vet and who deserves it.

[@Ourtimehaspast]

​@@adrianacamacho5722I love that quote "you were able to love a monster". Spot on.

[@bruhdon4748]

Yeah I’ve only just realised that after 20 weeks, she could’ve been much more and grown but just didn’t & proved me wrong about everything.

[@bruhdon4748]

@@adrianacamacho5722that’s beautiful

[@ryanfoothills6059]

I had the exact same thing said to me by an excellent divorce therapist(who specialized in Personality Disorders related to divorce), "They loved you the only way they could". My first thought was "Then that wasn't love." And it wasn't. Two realizations that were major milestones in my emotional recovery, very similar to what you've said here: 1) I missed the woman I married, but that person left 3 months into the marriage, and I didn't realize until 4 years later that they weren't coming back. 2) The love I gave was real, and that says something about me. :)

[@DSD]

Excellent points Ryan! Yeah when she said that it really took me by surprise and I didn't really hear it correctly. I thought she meant that she really loved me and I was making a mistake. It really took me a while to get the true meaning an intent of what she was saying. It sounds like it clicked with you right when they said that - honestly I think it's a bad thing to say - UNLESS you're already talking about NPD as a potential otherwise it's just confusing. -Duane

[@jasonmaruszak812]

Yea- You right buddy. And that pattern will continue.

[@BarkingForBroccoliBG]

bingo

[@ChadEAult]

My narc once put a note in my jacket to find that said:”your love is based on an illusion”. I had put over 50 loving notes in places for her to find. That is what she left for me. My first thought was that my love was not genuine. I took me a long time to figure out what you just said. I endured so much pain and hurt. Ten years to be exact. I have learned a lot about myself and have worked on that, not focusing on them. As you mentioned they are who they are and that will not change. I only focus on myself now and not making that mistake again. A lesson, unfortunately, I had to learn in a very hard way. Thanks for your video.

[@jasonmaruszak812]

Damn Chad, I felt that. Crazy. Love and Strength, brother

[@neen9026]

I was married 25 years. Once he told me, you never really loved me. Took a long time to accept his projection.

[@dodibenabba1378]

Healing comes faster if you bite the bullet and admit to yourself it wasn't real. ✝️🙏

[@bronyoung6092]

I fell hard for the illusion. Once you fall in love the devalue you then they discard you in the worst was possible. My mind has gone and everything good I done for her it's like I no longer exist. Everything I wanted her to do she now does probably for someone else. They use your good heart and crush it. :(

[@DSD]

Man as I read your comment Bron I can so relate because I said and felt the same thing. The reality is, kind of what I said in another comment, is that people like this are damaged and unable to accept AND give genuine love. They can however mirror and love bomb you, telling you things they *think* you want to hear to draw you in. That’s the hook. Then, because it isn’t real, it slowly cracks BUT we are stuck without those original feelings and in our minds we *think* it’s all true. I too used to worry that she would “do things” or be “that” person for someone else. Over time you’re realize its all an illusion and they will pretend with someone else, just like they pretended with you. It’s tough because that feeling is like a drug for us and we want it back - meaning to feel loved. I would encourage you to continue working on yourself, find a good therapist, read books, use the hypnosis files (they worked for me - links are on my main website under resources) and focus on building your own foundation. It takes time and a lot of work but Bron it is so worth it because life on the other side of this - with better knowledge and understand of ourselves AND other people is extremely powerful! -Duane

[@bronyoung6092]

DSD hi duane these people are sick.

[@slimjim1104]

@@bronyoung6092 how are you today?

[@colbybenton1988]

i guess Im kind of randomly asking but do anybody know a good site to stream newly released series online?

[@orlandoaiden6250]

@Colby Benton I watch on flixzone. Just search on google for it =)

[@genius-no5sl]

I don't hurt over the relationship anymore , I've been over that for a long time , I wanted my kids to have a mom and dad .

[@launabanauna8958]

John Dickerson Thank you. My daughter has turned 16. She had a mom and dad, bit now she’s old enough to understand that I can’t take the emotional abuse any longer. She agrees with me, and we are both looking forward to a new life away from all of the screaming and chaos. I tell her I’m so sorry honey that I can no longer stay with her father, and she tells me it’s not my fault. Thank goodness I have such a thoughtful and loving child.

[@sammar77]

Same here!

[@missjaszmine1968]

They mimic. Wow. Hitting the nail on the head. Mine imitated my warmth, my mannerisms and interests and had a Psychologist best friend whose also self absorbed, providing him with dating/courtship advice based on what he shared about my conversations with him about myself and my life, "She was raised like this.... so you should respond to her like so." I literally almost married the man based upon a persona and verbal ecpressions that were mirroring this psychologist and his sister. We were togeter 4 years, ended the engagement, are coparenting a child. I thank god many times daily that we never married. Went to counseling after it ended to process what actually happened and the truth of it being doomed from the word hello. Thank you for so clearly describing this. You are righttttt onnnnn. God bless you. Keep doing what you're doing. Its great 👍

[@DSD]

That’s rough Miss Jaszmine and then to have a therapist helping him “guide” his responses to better hit with “your needs” is just wrong. But it makes sense WHY we fell for the illusion, I mean how couldn’t we. They mirror everything that we ever wanted, say the right things, seem to be the *perfect match*. Add in some trauma bond or the idea they “might get away” and you’re setup to move really fast on everything. I’m glad you didn’t marry as well. If you don’t mind me asking, how is the co-parenting going? -Duane

[@missjaszmine1968]

Hi! here's a bit of my story of co-parenting: Separated before child was born, by my initiation, so the child's norm would be colaboration of parents living in separate homes from birth. That avoided the experience of loss that happens when one parent leaves the home that the child has shared with both parents. Lived separate homes, separate incomes and made schedule where child with me 4 days with dad 3 days weekly from age 1. Another norm set there. No phone calls to the child while with Dad as would soon be returning; and mainly communicated with dad via email and text. That also prevented a lot of conflict (informal joint time with child, reinforced cooperation as collaboration was impossible, did not pursue child support). Behaved civilly as possible for years. I'd run together with our child to daddy when he came to pick up and I avoided behaving spitefully or sarcastically towards dad in front of the child. Didn't even discuss dad in the house when friends were visiting. Had code name for dad, "Belafonte". "Oh Bellafonte's fine". I did holiday dinners with his family with our child and no mom / dad conflict was outwardly displayed. I had left the relationship when I smelled smoke before our child was born, before mutual disgust set in, before the complete discard of no return began. Cold turkey no back and forth romance or intimacy. So it was difficult for him to do more than annoy me because I wasn't dependent upon him, and I think he believed I'd eventually fold due to pregnancy, female sentamentality and good behavior on his part, but there was often an odor to the nice behavior and statements, like his good behavior was insurance for times when he would eventually unprovoked, do or say something mean spirited or cutting. The good behavior was supposed to keep me hooked-in thinking the cold side I was seeing was not the true him. I even briefly considered having another child with him, we seemed to be coparenting so amicably early on; but God had given me a safe harbor and I was suspicious already of what was causing his behavior and statements and why I thought less of myself in his presence, even when he was being what appeared to be "thoughtful and nice". I remained concerned about what that would mean to our children if he and I were to have a second child, and again, I think he thought for a long time that I'd eventually fold. Since he didn't relate to me even in courtship like an individual, but as though all women are the same and should respond with a simular script of responses, to the same scripted behavior. Regardless of the tone of our interactions I always was concerned about what would happen once our young child began developing an individual personality. I started doing some reading and investigating and kept coming back again and again to BPD / NPD. I stopped meeting him at the door at pickups and drop offs and stopped staying at his family holiday dinners and began excusing myself to join those of friends. And at about 7 yrs old, child started displaying signs of inappropriate exposure to being demeaned, raged at and viewing adult media (video games/movies). I started keeping track. Sweet warm child who sings hyms from church with mommy before bed, initiates grape juice communion at home bible study, plays sports, and is funny and outgoing, suddenly saying when his homework is corrected by me (with his little head in his hands), "I hate myself, I can't do anything right, I'm ungrateful ! etc...." for something as simple as needing help with homework. The precious 8 yr old starts to exhibit rage breathing heavily and reaches to pick up a chair when instructed calmly by me simply to put toys away. I was intolerant of this behavior in my home and strove to mirror balance warmth stability and respect. I kept keeping track of what was happening and strove to be as loving and supportive as possible without putting down the other parent. There came a point where it became necessary to get help because I knew from my experience with dad that this was not going to stop or improve and it could not be discussed or negotiated. Dad won't admit to use of time out, much less the above concerns, "You use time out. I don't need to do that. Maybe youuu should reevaluate your parenting approach". So I sought help legally after approximately 2 years of observation. Dad was at times the invisible man in terms of his injurous traits being seen and identified in the legal setting, but through God's Grace the process served my ultimate intention, to give him incentive to clean up his behavior towards our child during the formative character-shaping years of our child's life. Today its 5 years later. He has the same schedule of visitation. I have full physical, joint legal, and final decision making authority, again by the Grace Of God and I still have a child who bear hugs me after a long day at school. I hear evidence of the gaslighting of our child and various ways that Dad switches between unnecessarily mean, neglectful and covertly punitive, to acting "nice". He tries to complicate holidays and vacations and our lives, to the extent that he can. I've had to become a CIA agent to assure our child can travel and vacation with paternal relatives, and to find out when such events are schduled to take place, so that it won't interfere with my Summer Camp plans or lead to wasted deposits on child care during the same dates, again by the Grace Of God; and the saga continues. He doesn't respond to texts or contact me....and I love it. I relay what I should per court order via text and if he doesn't respond stfw, I relay what is necessary and our child is old enough now to travel between homes independently. I continue to strive to have a supportive loving, safe home environment for our son where he can be at peace. on our wall I have house rules: honesty respect and self-control equal love. I'm at, or beyond the point of not caring that you spoke about; because the attention they seek is not only Supply in terms of our response to their bad or good behavior. They want to be On Our Mind all the time, they want to leave an impression on our daily lives and our moment by moment thoughts. Our good intentions, by the book tendencies, caring and sentimentality fuel their power over us and our lives and I refuse to further enable that. I've also left an impression on him, like it or not, and he can't deny it. Thanksgiving after 4:30pm is to be with dad, with child returning to mom at 9 pm. "Boyfriend's" final countersuit that he drew-out for two additional years because he wanted to win, didn't turn out as much in his favor as he expected (I have final decision making and he has to pay retroactive child support). So he'll be eternally pissed, stfw. Anyway I sent a brief, matter of fact inquiry-text to him twice after 9 pm, to see if our son was back on his way to my place. No answer till after 10 pm when he suddenly texts as though he forgot, or had transformed into "sweet mode", (like I give a damn about any sweet mode he might have) and like he doesn't know the terms of the court order of his own initiated litigation, "Just got your texts. Bring him over now or tomorrow??" I had already had a sip of a cup of decaf, and had already left my house into the night. I replied, "You can drop off at the ##'nd precinct between this street and that street." And he did. I was told his ass was flying like fury to drop off. He involved himself with me, doing an Oscar deserving performance of a gentleman-prince charming, bit. I have professional training that pre-existed our relationship and was STILL fooled. In spite of this, he saw getting me to fall for his song and dance as a challenge, to prove to himself the potency of his approach. He can't help but be counterfeit and he's unable to sustain the facade. But he's not the only one who has left a life impression. I believe so have I. But By The Grace of God Go I. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. If God be for me who shall stand against me.

[@missjaszmine1968]

No one should be beating themselves up for having been fooled by the con.

[@pegasus5148]

They mimic you to trick you into the relationship. Then they are going to "trap" you so that they can keep getting their "supply."

[@pegasus5148]

Miss Jaszmine, well said! I finally stopped beating myself up for all the toxic people I attracted because my parents set me up for it and it is very easy to be conned since they are so good at mirroring and pretending to be your friend. It's all a trick to get you into an abuse cycle where you are gaslighted and used for sadistic supply.

[@salviusiuilianus1701]

I am a victim of a narcissistic manipulator. The red flags were everywhere, still I ignored them all. The instinctual feeling was there too. I managed to put them all aside believing that with love and compassion one can overcome all obstacles. I would like to encourage all people with similar experience to mine, manipulation by a functioning extroverted alcoholic, to question their reality. Narcissist have fragile egos, they will try to win you over, impress you and once they do, the real person will emerge. Please, do not fall for that. My emotional state, trust and financial matters are suverly damaged. The key points in my experience were: -Alcohol abuse and resilience to suggestions. -Different personality emerging when found in a large group of people. -Emotional blackmail. -Complete inability to empathize. -Lack of understanding and sexual selfishness. -Alienation and addiction to varieties of things like games, alchol, drugs etc. -Failing to accept goodwilled suggestions and loss of touch with the reality. -Prioritizing friends over everything. -Social media addiction and susceptible behaviour to audience effect. Take care people and don't be fooled. Listen to your voice, it's usually right. 🖖

[@knifemaker688]

If you are running around trying to please someone all of the time you are also wearing a mask and cheating yourself and everyone you love out of knowing you. I woke up with this mind opening thought today. Self respect and respect for others and everything on this earth is here for us to enjoy anger and hate and pleasing are a waist of life and I'm not just talking about the narc I'm talking about everyone. I just realised my step son of 9 years only knows this guy who is always failing and trying to make his mom happy he has never met the man that I actually am. See I knew this stuff but now I realize it. Man I feel like I need to go introduce myself to everyone that knows my body. Jeez what a waist of life I have done. lol

[@DSD]

Hi Knife that is a *really* great point. We get so caught up in the feedback loop of our negative life that we don't realize that we are not the person we want to be and who we truly are. The one nice thing is that we can choose to make a change any time we want. Honestly, although hard, I believe your life is going to start getting immensely better as you start growing with this. As I've mentioned in a previous video about my own father being negatively impacted by this for decades and he's just now starting to get past it. He still has a lot of hostility and hate but he's better. I just look at all those years that he could have been different, I'm just glad that he sees it now. He also can't believe that I'm doing this channel and thinks its a bad idea because I'm staying "locked in" to this topic. I don't see it that way I think I have a unique skill set to help people and I'll do that as long as I can.

[@nikkiwalker2017]

knife maker ❤

[@nikkiwalker2017]

DSD ❤

[@pegasus5148]

The Narc does not care about you. They just want you to do for them. It is always very one-sided.

[@charlesdc1233]

9 years for nothing... she breaking up with in my mid 30's is like killing my dreams of having a family and staying a lifetime with the same person....

[@dodibenabba1378]

I feel for you brother, 32 years and two grown up children then a discard that was brutal. You'll be fine. 🙏✝️😊

[@maryann85070]

I wish I had heard this advice, many years ago....it would have saved me a great deal of pain

[@DSD]

Hi Maryann, yeah I hear you on that one. I wish someone could have told me what I was dealing with years ago. But at least you know now and can make those positive changes in your live to make sure this doesn't ever happen again any toxic person who still has influence over your life can be phased out. A lot of times I look at it as though I'm grateful that I found out in my 40s instead of 60s! But your comment is one of the reasons why I made this channel; to try and get to people early in the process so they can learn and make adjustments in the beginning and *hopefully* reduce some of the recovery time - or at the minimum not have to go through the initial phases alone and confused. -Duane

[@pegasus5148]

Maryann Kearns, best advice; Have Boundaries, and Learn to Spot a Toxic Person. They get good at convincing people they are victims. It's all about getting-away with their abuse. Narcs will always test your boundaries to see if you will tolerate abuse.

[@dinourbani4068]

seriously. I would have saved myself 4 years of misery and heartbreak.

[@maylinn4068]

Dino Urbani yes i dearly had need ed thid information years ago . So much struggling and suffering

[@cr3062]

They dont call them wolves in sheep's clothing for nothing...sheww..inside they are ravenous wolves..

[@DSD]

Very true! -Duane

[@pegasus5148]

They are covert sadists.

[@kre8504]

4sure!!

[@toneman335]

This is the critical paradigm shift that a victim of a Narc must make in order to be able to heal and live again. Namely, that they were in love with an illusion or someone that only existed in their mind.

[@YvetteR-g3g]

How painful that they knew you were genuine and strung you along until they got sick of u and discarded u like trash.

[@toneman335]

We were blinded by the illusion and didn't see the real person till it was too late.

[@launabanauna8958]

You are absolutely right. His “love” was never reciprocated to the level that I was entitled to. Thank you for clearing that up for me.

[@jsmorefield]

I completely was in love with her. I was so quickly devalued and discarded by her with no remorse. I was completely and utterly destroyed by her, while she was dating someone behind my back. Then within a month, she was calling me acting like we were still friends. Each call, she made was another dagger in my heart. I still had the hope of getting back with her. She continued using her kids against me. Just around the time that I was getting married to someone else, she messaged that she was in town that she and the kids wanted to see me. It ripped my heart out but I told her no and to never contact me again. All of that pain reopened again.

[@helen3815]

My ex narc even told me "you were in love with the idea of me" you didn't really love me. He would point out what was really happening to me but would then make it out as the reason why he didn't want to be with me anymore like he was the better person!

[@DSD]

Helen that is a really good example of how they play that game. They can “pretend” to be the better person and act superior. When we “freak out” because we can’t believe what is going on *they* look normal. However, when we don’t react and give them that emotional control they start to loose that power. It all about emotional manipulation and control. But again, from your other comment, it sounds like you know what you are dealing with and getting the help and support you need to recover. Just don’t *ever* let him back in to your life again - it’s just not worth the risk. -Duane

[@mytube4576]

Helen Reilly she told me you're in love with an idea my response was it's God's idea so I'm good with that you should have seen her face when I told her she was an Empty Soul her face crumpled

[@alexandraecseri7532]

It means he could be a good person, he just doesn't want to! They know very well what they should do, and they can pretend it, so they could live like that. They CHOOSE to be evil. That is what makes them inferior. And, of course, when we love someone, we see the best version of them. Like Michelangelo saw a statue in a rock.

[@mytube4576]

Helen Reilly my ex girlfriend, I call her Narcy Jane now instead of Nancy Jane, used the same exact phrase "you're just in love with an idea!" I just had to respond "yes, you are right! it's God's idea! it's God's plan that two people love one another and become one, but you don't have the capacity to do that!"

[@josephmischel5292]

Omg literally same thing for me right now

[@user-wm4je4ct8y]

My ex was so good at hiding his real self that I cannot imagine how I could have possibly seen what he was really like, until he finally showed his true self. That mask was pretty firmly in place for a long time. Yes the alarm bells were there, but I thought he was just self centered, without realizing the true evil there, the danger to me from it. It's such a huge shock to my entire system when it suddenly reveals itself, to see this monster suddenly show itself.

[@daviddemars]

Good video. You're right, it was so shocking to find this out.

[@DSD]

Hi CNXG and welcome to the channel! Thank you for the feedback! -Duane

[@daviddemars]

Thank you

[@mythic_snake]

All of this is so true. I felt like I was walking out of the Truman Show and realizing that my entire life had been a sick TV show. My spouse, everything I thought I knew...completely vanished overnight. It had been an illusion.

[@martiwenger2199]

Thank you for this video...I am in need of support - I am day 6 of NC after I walked away from a 7 year relationship with a controlling NP. You video really helped me. I think I can do it this time.

[@DSD]

Hi Marti and welcome to the channel! Just take it slow and understand those difficulties that you are going through is really normal. This is a very difficult process but hopefully knowing more about what you are dealing with will help you through this. Yes, *YOU CAN DO THIS*!!! -Duane

[@theoptimistpippisam6776]

Marti Wenger Marti - hang on in there. I was in your position five weeks ago & felt so demoralised & depressed I couldn't see any point in living. I truly went through the dark night of the soul - completely destroyed emotionally. mentally & physically. I had to seek medical help & thankfully I am feeling the return of my stolen soul. I have been out socially with friends over the past couple of days - something I thought I'd.never feel any joy in doing again. My advice would be to draw strength from this video & others like it on KZbin. I would say go through the pain & don't look back.

[@martiwenger2199]

Thank you Barbara! :-) I made it through another day. Searching for affirmation online has been helpful I'm also listening to the audiobook - How to do No Contact like a BOSS - its good. I came across this essay written from the narcissist's point of view. It was profound - its long but I hope you are also empowered by it... When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the way I feel when I’m with you. I love myself through you. I love seeing myself through your eyes. I love seeing myself through my eyes imagining how I look through your eyes. I love having someone new to tell my stories to, to express my opinions, and to share my profound theories and beliefs about the important things in life. I love hearing myself say these things as I imagine how they sound to you, and how enthralled with me I imagine you are. When I say I’m in love with you, I love having someone beautiful to wear, like a new outfit. I love the way you feel on me. I love the way I feel about me when you are with me. When I say I’m in love with you, I love not being alone. I love not being that tree falling in the forest. I love having a full-time, personal audience. When I say I’m in love with you I mean I love being your mystery, your riddle, being what keeps you up at night, your obsession. I love being your altar, your sacrament, your icon, your miracle. I love being your answer. I love being the object of your sacrifice. I love being your pain. When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I’m in love with being your sun, monopolizing your orbit, being your gravity, keeping you drawn back to me no matter how hard you try to jump or fly, keeping you down. Keeping you mine. When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I’m in love with breathing your air, sucking your blood, eating your dreams. I’m in love with being your drug, your dagger, your suicide note. When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.

[@martiwenger2199]

Thank you Duane! I can do this! :-)

[@DSD]

Thank you Barbara for sharing that - that's excellent advice - easier said than done - but that's what we have to do. I've had many days where I just would go to sleep *hoping* that when I woke up that maybe the pain would be a little less. I haven't had to do that in years - but it was a very difficult time. Marti you are very welcome and I'm glad you finding productive ways to help yourself through this! Yes, you can do this! -Duane

[@pauladsilva9374]

He said to me so many times.... I cannot love you like you need me to..... I didnt believe that his only other option was abusing me... he was so nice to everyone else 😢

[@DSD]

Paula the sad truth with these type of people, they ALWAYS tell us the truth throughout the relationship. It is just that it is so unbelievable that we think it’s a “joke” or an exaggeration. From my personal experience and now with interactions with thousands of viewers they always “tell us the true”. Once they “capture” their target they don’t keep up the facade and the mask starts to fall. It is easier with everyone else because they can “put their game face” literally on when they interact with them. -Duane

[@jkai17]

This is so true! She told me she didn't know what love was and the more I tried to show her the more it destroyed me

[@riki2404]

Thank you so much for this video....each n every word resonated with my situation and my feelings...she didn't give me closure, showed zero empathy and told me she wants to concentrate on herself...your video really helped me understanding that it was nothing but illusion

[@DSD]

Hi Prakash and welcome to the channel. I’m sorry you’re going through this buddy and I know from experience how difficult it is to wrap your head around the fact the relationship was an illusion. It’s very tough to realize it wasn’t real when you were putting your heart and soul in the relationship. It will take time to disentangle yourself from her just make sure you give yourself the time and space to do that. Most people won’t understand why it takes longer but the trauma bonds and lack of closure really keep you stuck. -Duane

[@riki2404]

Thank you for the kind words and advise... I really appreciate it

[@DSD]

No worries Prakash I hope this gives you a little bit of hope that you will regain your life back and that you do have a positive future ahead of you.

[@melissafinn5292]

I'm really having trouble moving on. I ruminate constantly and at times I'm in denial. At times my mind just wont accept that it was an illusion. It's just unbearable. So I'm feeling stuck. Thank you for your video. It has helped me reinforce what I need to accept in order to move on.

[@dodibenabba1378]

Write a little book about all the horrible things they said and did to you, and I know they did. When you think you miss them, read it. Much love. 🙏✝️

[@Irina-gh5fu]

How are you, Melissa? 3yrs later. Is there hope for recovery? I have 2 months into this reality, the narc left me and what I managed to do was to stop chasing him. He put me through 2 yrs of silent treatment, I am educated to chase him.

[@toneman335]

This video is a must watch for a victim of a Narcissist!

[@DSD]

Toneman coming to terms with the fact our relationship/lives were an illusion is a huge step in healing - it is just such a difficult hurdle to make peace with. -Duane

[@JaydeNicolexx]

some people will want to just stay in the illusion to just have that person.. but that is the issue.. the illusion goes away.. always.. it stops. with all of them. so the story.. love story.. and the party is over. inevitably.. and they discard you.. they have to.. BC they were there to destroy you.. not to just be in the illusion with you... forever... it has to get worse..I think some people think it will go back to the happy illusion.. when it only gets worse. and less and less of the happy illusion.. and yes you did not love the real them.. that are awful people

[@DSD]

Jessica I think you make a really good point there and I think that describes my situation - I need the illusion to be here to stay in the relationship. The illusion always breaks, the mask always falls and we have to wake up from the nightmare.

[@archivedchannel175]

I had the same thing with a friend ( who I've cut most communication with ) where every time they put me down they did something that balanced it out without me knowing example : *middle of the day* argument where he talks about never changing and hes right, *end of the day* game? ( like nothing happened at all )

[@katbird158]

"It's so weird" sums it up very well. I believe you said it in one of your videos.

[@DSD]

yeah either that or "its bizarre" it is all really tough to wrap our heads around the "illusion" that was our relationship!

[@jeannettejordan6251]

omg, your ex, and your stories are just about like mine, I was married to covert narc, we have 2 kids, who are grown now, Thank God!!! YES I loved the illusion, wow !!!! that is how I was, and now I am just getting over that!!!

[@DSD]

Hi +Jeannette Jordan I am really glad to hear that you were getting over that! That's really not an easy task. I hope you can now see the future that you can have without having that toxic person in your life! Welcome to the channel and I hope to see you around more in the comments and maybe a live stream! -Duane

[@catalinarodrigues3873]

Jeannette Jordan p

[@pegasus5148]

The sadist has to "pretend" to be like you. They certainly cannot tell you what they are really up to, and that is" To hurt You Emotionally over and over" and get whatever they can out of you before the discard, unless you get out first. After all, why would you want to leave a person who treats their "friends" like "gold" and then turns around and treats you like "dirt," especially when there are no "witnesses" around? They have no conscience or heart but they will exploit the fact that you do. They are very good at "mirroring" you and others because they have to "fool" everyone around them, including "you" (which is why they "gaslight.") so that they can keep "getting-away" with their "sadistic" abuse. Sadistic abuse can be emotional, financial and physical. They are great "pretenders" because they have to be. They want sadistic supply over and over and they don't want to be "discovered." Once you are "awake" to their tricks, it's game over.

[@EButta71]

Thank you for this video!! Woo. It is painful. Loving and losing the illusion is painful AND it didn't mean the same to them. And I'm accepting that and HEALING. Hallelujah.

[@chevyblueangel]

Actually, usually when you separate from them and reconcile... it's worse than before!

[@DSD]

That is absolutely true RC712 - it is generally a *really bad idea* to go back... Trust what has happened before and what they did...

[@MrMonkeycircus1]

Unfortunately, I just woke up recently seeing now clearly the person I quit my career for, relocated to a different country, cared for, married, set kids in the world with. She works in theatre, now understand why she is also so successful in her private life making many friends and blinding people with her fake emotions. Every person has obviously emotions, she as well, but she is afraid of dropping her made up role which she plays 247. Instead she is acting with emotions and empathy in order to get what she wants. Currently,I feel just pretty neutral towards what I felt for her, but it is my kids I am most sad and worried for. They are innocent and deserved a normal life with parents who are honest about when & where they messed up. Unfortunately, she will continue using our boys for most of their life to paint me black and herself innocent. Thanks for your videos and advice. At the moment I am beginning every day watching some to remind myself that the trajectory I am taking now is the right one because it leads away from her. All the best to everyone!

[@SeaToCloudsHD]

The worst is having a child with this sickos..

[@DSD]

Yes it is SeaToCloudsHD because we just can't get a way - we can't go "no contact" because we have children with them. It is definitely one of the hardest things I think a person can experience (well obviously there can be worse but this isn't easy). -Duane

[@niteopearls]

Thank you so much for your candor. it is so refreshing after years of lies ,that lead me on à long path of confusion. I want to expound on the importance of ACCEPTING that you are in fact dealing with a Narcissistic person if you are here now. My biggest mistake was hearing that I may be with one but not understanding what I was dealing with. Not accepting kept me on an emotional roller coaster for three years more than I needed to be. Your videos of sharing have helped me to acceptance and most importantly... A path of healing and recovery. Thank you so much!

[@lunaava9201]

it's so hard at first but as time goes on and you get away from them, I've noticed now after 2 years I will get triggered by something, I'll think of things he said at times and behaviors and I almost laugh to myself as I catch every manipulation or times he made me feel guilty and I smile knowing I'm not living that lie anymore

[@DSD]

Excellent point Lisa - it's nice to know that the impact of these event will subside with time. Then it is almost like why was I even worried or effected by this person! The problem I have now is watching these same things happen to my children and knowing what they are going through and feeling powerless to be able to intercede. However, that is not really the case, we always have the opportunity to help our children and set a proper example to show them there is a different way. -Duane

[@tigerprint7960]

Hi Duane, Appreciate your thoughts about the "illusion." Hard to swallow. I did put him up on a "pedestal." Today, the "pedestal" has crumpled. Sad to realize that their dealing with emotional trauma & that they are not going to get better. Continuing my healing, remain NC & think of him @ x's and who he is with but not to the point that I want to talk to him nor see him. Thank you for your straight forward comments. And for validating that is can be "tough" @ x's and that it takes time to heal.

[@DSD]

Oh Tigerprint validation is so darn important through all of this - until we start to realize, "Yes, this did really happen" we go around in circles beating ourselves up trying to understand what happened and *why* it happened. -Duane

[@MrMadvoter1]

children cannot be adults

[@DSD]

Hi GGator - that is an excellent point - they are just not capable of adult love. Thank you for your comment! -Duane

[@pinkflame8441]

GGator Country I wouldn't even put children down like that .. Children can love and even help .. They are just little people .. A better term is demons can't be human let alone adult humans 😂😂 the capacity factor is -0😂

[@DonaldSeymourjr]

@@pinkflame8441 I completely agree with you. It's almost frightening to behold. This person had the persona of satan. Real deal.

[@VioletSky908]

I needed to hear this. Thank you

[@LauraVee63]

Simply said, the narcissist fell in love with who you wanted them to be. They did this to initially make you believe they were your soul mate. Then...POOF....one day you find out the person behind the mask - they're so ugly!

[@DSD]

Hi Lauranicole84 very well put! Your comment reminded me right before the "end" I was looking at her, kind of just staring, thinking "this is the person I was in love with?" At that time I had no idea about personality disorders or what was getting ready to happen. Thank you for the comment and perspective! -Duane

[@LauraVee63]

Thank you for responding.......I know all too well how this goes down.....although I'm going through a divorce after 14 years, but we have no children together......living under the same roof, in separate rooms; he is withholding money from me - no accounts together; I've been acting as my own attorney - we have court date coming up - it's hell, but I am getting by on self-help KZbin......Thank you again for sharing.

[@DSD]

I could imagine having to be under the same roof - you've gotta be a really strong person for that! -Duane

[@PrincessJewels08]

This is exactly what happened to me! He seemed so perfect for so long and then he slowly started to unravel and at one point he just became this complete stranger. The last time I saw him He didn’t even look the same, his presence didn’t feel the same. For the first time I looked into his eyes and felt nothing. He was like a whole other being, I knew at that point that he wasn’t the person I fell for and I had to let go

[@dianasworld3015]

Or maybe here's an idea. Maybe you really loved them. All of them. Including their hurts and pains and traumas. Including their childish, evil self. Because you could empathise. Because you wanted to help heal them. Because you, unlike them, do have the ability to love unconditionally. And maybe the best way to get over this is to keep loving. Keep loving as fully as you do, and feel through the sorrow that you feel for the state of their soul. And when you come out of it, maybe that's you'll finally realise that you deserve better. And you'll move on.

[@michellek2946]

I feel the same way Diana. I loved him and thought my love could heal the broken parts. That we could heal each other. I won’t let him beak me and put up icy walls. I definitely am not naive anymore, but I have the ability to truly love another human. He never can. That is an incredibly sad existence.

[@polskigirl8547]

What's tuff to swallow is being duped...being taken advantage of....because we are so giving and look beyond people's faults.....

[@SlackMagi]

Well said. Thanks for the video. I'm glad so many people are telling their stories about narcissists. This info scales to all levels of power, where some (not all) local, state, national government "officials" are feeding off of the supply of the good and trained passive sheep.

[@DSD]

+Slack1117 Magi very true! We live in an amazing time where it is relatively easy for people to share their stories and offer help! Maybe as more knowledge is presented and gained the reach and influence of narcissistic people will be diminished because they will be exposed! At the very least the victim pool is being reduced! Thank you for the feedback and comment! -Duane

[@cybco]

Duane, you’re medicine. You’re so spot on. Nobody gets it. That’s the worst part.

[@Shasha8674]

Narcissists where a mask and maybe 100% opposite of what they pretend. There are "red flags", but you may have been used to this kind of person from your family tree. Find someone you have joy/can be yourself/can thrive 100% of the time...not just first 6 months. If they abandon...thank God and move on.

[@DSD]

Very true Shasha and again it’s much harder to do in practice. But you hit a really important point and that is a lot of us were primed from our family to believe this is what love is. So when the relationship started to fall apart (like you said within the first 6 months - sometimes 3) we just don’t see it. It’s about learning to set boundaries, being okay with being by yourself, and not afraid to be alone. Without those things you will hold on to the illusion AND downplay anything they do that is wrong. -Duane

[@josevanga666]

I've watched many KZbin videos since my breakup seven months ago, and I've always discarded the idea that she was a narcissist (though something was there) but after watching some of his videos I've come to think that she was probably a "covert narcissist", maybe even unaware that she is one (if that's possible or maybe all narcissist of any kind are unaware of it, though I doubt it). But the point is that it was truly always about her, her drama, her needs, and my inexplicable attachment to her (as a friend defined early on after the breakup as a form of emotional abuse). Her words rarely aligned with her actions, particularly during and after the breakup (we were in a long-distance relationship at that point and she basically threw me aside for a new guy she met and downplayed our relationship, called me "obsessed", and took absolutely zero accountability or responsibility for anything, I was the bad one, I was "obsessed", and she spoke an acted like she had no part in creating that love and entertaining it as long as it fit her needs) and her actions afterwards absolutely contradicted all her talk and she basically forgot me unless I was foolish enough to make contact with her (which I did, foolishly accepting her justifications about the breabreakup until only just over a month ago that I finally got my head out of my butt and realized I wasn't healing because something wasn't right, because she left me in conflict between my actual emotions and her justifications). It's been hell but I one day just stopped communicating with her and blocked her shortly after because I realized what a fool I was. Now I'm really healing but I'm very angry and indignated by all of it because I should have sent her to hell then.

[@CrazyCloudMan1]

This was a hard pill for me to swallow when i watched illusion of love by book of alpha ronomy. I am going through a divorce now and realizing this really stabs deep inside. What does not kill you makes you stronger. Ill be more prepared in the future. Keep taking the red pill for life.

[@BarkingForBroccoliBG]

what I came to realize is I fell in love with a character played by a great actress and then I married the actress thinking I was marrying the character that never really existed a character crafted to appeal directly to me but once the actress slipped out of that character the first time it was a big WTF moment thinking it was just a hard day but as time went on realized that's not what it was so what were longing for who we actually miss is that character played by the actress but when you think of it like that is missing a character played by an actress is a bit ridiculous with any expectation of realness because an act is an act

[@iamthatiam5160]

this video is spot on I loved my ex more than the world, I really did. she lied, cheated, gaslighting, projected on to me triangulated me, with her narcissistic mum. Made up complete lies all to get me out of my own house so she could cheat with some one at her work. She told me she never love me the whole 15 years we were together showing with her own words the whole relationship was a lie, a fraud a illusion, and I fell for it. I really did love that woman even love is not a powerful enough word for what I had for her. we had 2 kids which we planed I really feel for them I really do the pain is immense words can not describe the pain I have never ever been through pain like that they don't give a shit what they cause you to go through, as far as their concerned they wished you were dead I have never see evil until this happened to me something I will never forget ever.

[@DSD]

“Iam” - I can remember the pain the you are going through. I know for me it felt almost unbearable. Mine has never “said” that she didn’t care, on the contrary she says that she did, but the actions do not corroborate that illusion. Try to seize the opportunity to appreciate that you were discarded and now have the *chance* to replace that negativity with positive influences for yourself and your children. This will hurt for a long time but it does get better. Stay strong! -Duane

[@iamthatiam5160]

***** it's almost a year the pain is not like it was but when it was at the start I do not wish that on anybody I will never forget that experience I just can't wait till this is all done I'm going to start to file at court next week

[@DSD]

At least you are starting the divorce process with an understanding of what and who you're dealing with. I didn't realize until a few years afterward, I suppose that doesn't say much for my perception. It was truly painful to watch someone whom you'd died for discard you like you were nothing. I had an excellent support system otherwise I'm not sure how I would have made it through that. However, I am *VERY GRATEFUL* that it happened the way it did otherwise I wouldn't have had the improvements in my life. Had she given me a *scrap* of attention I would have stayed. But everything happens for a reason - had it not happened I wouldn't be here sharing and hopefully helping other people going through this... -Duane

[@iamthatiam5160]

+Dad Surviving Divorce was never married just in relationship for 15 years

[@DSD]

Hopefully that will help in the legal realm - however I don't believe that would reduce any of the pain that you've endured! -Duane

[@toneman335]

I was married to a somatic covert narc. I was in love with two illusions. The one she projected and the one in my head that I wanted her to be. I now see her for the demonic entity that she really is.

[@DSD]

Those illusions can be really tough to process - I'm glad you're seeing reality now.

[@dashaakhten5852]

You seem absolutely lovely.. I can't imagine how anyone would ever want to put you through this kind of pain. I think as victims of narcissistic abuse we tend to idealise others, as well as attract into our lives people who can take advantage of that. It really is a difficult situation. I have to say, however, that loving an idealised version of someone is not that bad. If anything, you now know exactly the kind of person you want in your life. You may have attached this to the wrong person, but the right one exists. Don't be so hard on your self. I will even go so far as to say, you manifested the right person by doing so. You have brought them closer and closer to your life.

[@raitanzakalu7566]

Damn! thank you Duane, this is a tough pill to swallow. Really appreciate the fast response. Good job on these videos they are really helping empaths around the world.

[@Amandaandglenn2023]

Yep. Been 8 months. Your title is so right. You can't start healing until you accept that you were in love with an illusion.

[@livefree7509]

I was very ill my narc biological incubator played the “rescuer”, then put me out in @the streets worst possible time during co-19. You have a great channel. I think Narc parents are worse than narc gf/wife/husband, because your parents are your own blood.

[@kgmfencing9835]

Finding you has saved my life. Thank you 🙏🏼

[@MayaNature113]

They have the capacity to mold into your imagine, whatever you are like. So, we fall in love with that mold- their made up false self, which is a projected illusion to make us believe into what they want us believe into. Yes, we fall in love with the projected image, not true self-person, so the whole thing is an illusion

[@michaelbateson8636]

A year on, and I'm healing nicely. The kids are my only concern. I'm in a healthy relationship with good honest woman, and daily find myself thinking "THIS is how it's supposed to be like...." the more I live my normal happy loving life, the more I move away from the toxicity that I left behind. There are Still regrets, of course, but all I can do is just be a strength for my children who have managed to thrive in such a difficult situation. Kids are happier with us apart. X

[@TinaSotis]

Covert narcissists are their own special animal, in that they are shapeshifters, under the radar, and I fell for one hard last year. I'm having an enormously difficult time recovering. It really feels like I've lost my mind; I can't function, my neocortex is shot. I can't make decisions and I'm terrified. It feels like a time bomb has gone off in my brain, leaving only rubble. Nevertheless I'm moving through understanding what happened. I only wish it would bring relief from the constant dread and anxiety...I'm beginning to see that this man and I were engaged in a mutual fantasy. He seduced me and brought me in, but I participated in the dream. Immersion into that world and then being ripped out of it would explain why I feel like I'm going crazy. Almost 4 months after discard and I'm in an almost constant state of collapse. The interesting part is that he too seems to be in crisis. I called him out on something which he could not bear to hear, and he snuck out and left me that very day without warning . My criticism of him went very deep, and he is now transformed into someone unrecognizable to those who have known him for years. It's almost as if he discarded himself, the person whom I criticized had to be killed off in order for him to keep moving. He is in crisis as well. The difference is I'm feeling it, and he's acting it out. I've never felt so helpless, so hopeless, so weakened by anything in my entire life. I pray to God over and over that I can recover and join the land of living again.

[@olivtrees8749]

Luckily I didn't stay in a relationship with my narc for long because the very first time he tried to gaslight me on something I was gone. However I'll never forget how on our first and second date he mirrored my movements. I didn't tell him I noticed it, but I thought it was cute because in sales they teach us that mirroring someone is a way to get them to like you. I thought to myself "Oh how cute he's using a business technique to get me to like him. He must really like me then!" lol. Oh, little did I know.

[@jeannettejordan6251]

thank you so much for responding, and yes, he was saying that his ex was nuts and that is why he had to leave her, my youngest child just turned 18, so he is seeing her less and less, and it hurts her, I have her in couseling, and when he picks her up or drops he off he makes sure he come by with his new supply /girlfriend and it's like he wants me to see he is happy, like it doesn't matter how he has hurt our kids, all that matters is him and his new supply. I do know what it is about, I relize, I know what he is , and I do not speak to him at all, as time goes on it does get better, thanks again for your response! !!!! : )

[@DSD]

This is really hard on our children because to it’s one thing to be rejected by a partner but its something completely different when your mom or dad is rejecting you. Unfortunately a narcissists has no ability to understand (or care about) the damage they are doing to there people. I’m glad you have her in counseling, hopefully with the right therapist she will be able to heal from this and move on from it. -Duane

[@user-ee5om8wy7u]

I knew a guy, nice neighbor for five years. Then we became lovers and kept seeing each other for almost 3 years on a regular basis. Those 3 years showed me he had all the same hobbies and interests as me. We would do my favorite things together and he showed with his ACTIONS ( not just words) that he loved those activities with me. So, we had the same interests, I figured, and we had great sex. I knew there's no way he could lie about his hobbies for 3 years. I couldn't imagine myself doing it. Just to reflect on this....I could never go out fishing with a hot guy and pretend for fucking 3 years that I love fishing , when in reality I hate it! I could never pretend to like an activity that I truly dislike only to make sure that he likes me more ? That would be so retarded! Isn't it self-torture to do what you really hate but pretend like you like it for years? I thought that no sane person could possibly live a fake life like this....I wouldn't be able to do what I hate even for three minutes. If I hate sea food, for example, I'm not EVER going to stuff my throat with it only to impress a hot guy who happened to like seafood. That would be insane, no? How sick one has to be to fake their whole persona for years - isn't it a painful self-denying existence? The saddest part is that I didn't create that illusion of a person with my head. The person I fell in love with played a fake character, and I didn't know it was fake! After 3 years of seeing each other and enjoying common (fakely common) interests, I moved in to live with him as he begged me too. But 3 years is not like three months - it's a long time to self-deny and to pretend for any sane person! Maybe it was easy to do for him because we saw each other only once a week for those 3 years? Maybe he could act a fake character just for one day a week, if it resulted in passionate sex? Next time someone has the same interests with me and enjoys doing the same things with me, I won't trust it in the first 3 years - how would I know if it's not fake? I'll take the time .... I'll wait NOT 3 but 10 years minimum( maybe 20).. If they are fake - they won't be able to pretend for 10 years straight. It must be too hard to do....The only people I heard who pretend to be a fake nice person for literally DECADES without anyone's suspicion are serial killers and serial cheaters....If you don't want to keep seeing me for 10 years without moving in together - then I don't want any relationship at all! Better be alone than risk being hurt by a fake character who plays with my feelings.....Even better, why move in to live together at all? I'll have my own place, and you have your own. And if you like me, you'll find time to see me without any pressure to live together. You'll treasure not the quantity of time together and enmeshed boundaries but the quality of time together, forever respecting personal boundaries and personal choices....I rather never move in with anyone at all. I want my own place for myself only for life. And a relationship would be an extra pleasure outside of my home. This way I'll have a safe place to go to whenever I feel hurt....

[@DSD]

I hear you on everything you said G and you're right. It really screws with your mind that someone can pretend and play a "character" for all that time. I would imagine looking back on it you could see cracks in their facade? You bring up a really great point on how, when you don't have daily contact (live together), they can put on a "show" for the times they are with you. How long have you been out of it - or at least seen the truth? I know most people, right out of the gate on it, feel like they won't ever risk it again. But after a while you learn to see the signs and your boundaries are much better. But yeah, when someone fakes something for three years at some point you think it "must be true" because "no one can fake it for that long." It's funny you mention that because I've had that exact conversation with my girlfriend about things she and we like. Its amazing how after these type of relationships you get so "burned" that it really takes a while to heal from it all. I've been with my girlfriend for over 6 years now. But honestly the "real" test is going to be living together and as it stands right now that is another 3 to 4 yours out. I also wonder if I can ever really live with someone again - I've been in my own house for so long (over 9 years) and to be honest I kind of like it. Hope you're doing okay G.

[@dodibenabba1378]

Just to let you know my soon to be ex wife did it for 32 years, more fool me.

[@Mysaltylove]

I am soooo happy you make these. I am sure you are helping a lot of people

[@DSD]

Thank you Simone I’m happy you like them! 😀 -Duane

[@JesusIsKing1979]

I feel grateful that I heard this today. I will have to watch this video a couple of more times to help reprogram my brain. Thank you.

[@DSD]

It definitely takes a while to break the old programming. Hope your day is going better.

[@wingrance779]

Hi DSD, I am thankful i chanced upon your post. This is a great way for me to get over my ex NARC. It has only been 7 weeks for me of no contact from him. I am now a discard. I am just curious, how long did it take for you until you realised it was just an illusion? Coz I am so totally in the middle of my blackhole right now.

[@DSD]

Hi Wing, well it took a couple of years. Things got *really* bad emotionally for me before it got better. I hope that channels like this can help reduce that time or at least the time you’re stuck in it. Bottom line though, even though it takes a while it isn’t forever. After doing this channel for a couple of years now I’ve been able to watch people go from the really bad days to good. So hang in there Wing because better days really are ahead for you!

[@wingrance779]

@@DSD tyvm . It is a rollercoaster ride. I always heard about the word Narc but only recently did i truly understand the true essence of its meaning. Most of your topics here are exactly what I am going through right now that I am finally understanding that 1. I am not crazy. 2. they have a pattern 3. it is difficult situation.

[@mifasola1]

This is the first time it's all made sense. Now I truly get it.

[@jimbo4576]

Thank you for your videos ,my ex hurt me by accusing me of cheating ,I didn’t but she hurt me so bad then she moved on I spent a lot of emotional time n effort trying to convince her I wasn’t but to no avail I got hooverd back in many times this has hurt me so bad now I feel guilt for reacting to my pain n my head been in a spin I’m so tired feeling hurt I need help feel like ending things hard to put into words , you have made so much sence thank you I hope I get through it I’m not going back anymore it’s like day one all over again thanks for doing these videos

[@cr3062]

There was a magician that did a trick that made it appear that a quarter was smoking a cigarette... Everybody knows quarters can't smoke cigarettes..but there it was..puffing away...

[@DSD]

That is a very good analogy Cindy - nothing is really as it appears when you're in a relationship with one of these people! -Duane

[@toneman335]

This is a great and insightful video that must be seen by all victims of a Narc.

[@DSD]

Thanks toneman!

[@moonlightstargem1006]

It’s more difficult in my shoes. I was adopted by narcissists. And i never knew my birth parents. And yes they are narcissists and yes i am the empath. They really screwed me over. They set me up for failure. Basically what he’s saying is we as empaths can only see the good times. Abusers are abusive most days and then there are the days when they are nice or when they just stop being abusive. And then they get back to being abusive. So as an empath: STOP LETTING THEM OFF THE HOOK. Get ur money & get out if you can. Find a new place to live. Cut ties! MOVE IN SILENCE. These narcissists brain wash you, beat you down into submission & sabotage you and give you low self esteem (cuz they are bullies) so that you self sabotage yourself! They MIND F YOU. So gather ur things & stop believing they will be good to you! FORGET THE GOOD TIMES! It’s really difficult because it’s not easy if you were adopted into it. NARCS TRAP YOU. They get you financially dependent on them & find a way to hinder your growth. Maybe they fed you delusions & got you black listed from banks because scam artists came after you (this is what happened to me!) i was fed the cinderella story. I was fed the lie that love exists without conditions. I was fed a lot of delusions and lies. And then i got scammed and i became super desperate and irresponsible with money! That got me in real trouble. If it was not for my family telling the police to not arrest me i could be in federal prison based on how desperate i was for money and for love and answers. It really doesn’t help a child when they are taken from their birth parents and plopped from home to home and then given to an emotionally neglectful narcissistic adopted family who lord over them like pimps and enslave them and emotionally hurt them. It makes the teenager desperate for love if you deprive a child of it. They become super needy & gullible!! It attracts narcissistic men into our lives. I was the type of girl that narcissists said they loved. Because i was easy to use and easy to manipulate because i was desperate. If you are ever in my position! STOP LOOKING FOR LOVE OUTSIDE OF YOU AND DO THIS EARLY AS POSSIBLE IF U ARE IN UR TEENS AND 20’s right now dealing with this situation reading this: GIVE THAT LOVE TO YOURSELF! Start filling up your own cup! Start looking out for yourself. 1. Work. Save money. 2. Spend a bit of money here and there treating yourself. 3. Journal. Talk to a pet outloud or a stuffed animal or to yourself or God 4. Eat good food and even the food you like! 5. Take a bubble bath and spoil yourself with fun bath and body works products 6. Get ur hair done! 7. Take a walk outside (with a taser and pepper spray of course!) and enjoy the fresh air! 8. Wear a cute outfit! Feel good about yourself! You are allowed to be cute! If people start picking apart your appearance THEY ARE JEALOUS OF YOU!! THEY ARE TRYING TO CONTROL HOW YOU LOOK SO THEY DONT FEEL INFERIOR! BISH KEEP SHINING! SAY, SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY. I CANT HELP YA ;) AND ROCK IT AND STUFF IT UP THEIR FRIGGEN FACE!! YEAH THATS RIGHT! 10. Stop having sex with men during this time. DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!! NOT WHAT ANYONE ELSE WANTS U TO DO!! 11. BE SELF INTERESTED! GO APPLY FOR COLLEGE. ENJOY YOUR LIFE!! GO GET ANOTHER JOB! GO DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO!!

[@Marco-xu1ss]

13 years of counterfeit love. It's mind-blowing. 4 kids.

[@Akafoo247]

OMG, this video hit dead on. After I left my wife because she didn't give me the same loyal or respect as I gave her. I love that women, and all of a sudden her true personality came out. She took something that I love which our kids 5 and 7 and took the away from me, pawning my kids. So I file for divorce do to her behavior, and it hurts from today.

[@vannemocilac274]

Our therapist said to me that I wasn’t getting loved the way I wanted to be loved. Like somehow here I was being too high maintenance or picky or too something. It took me awhile, but after looking up definitions of words like love, friendship, loyalty, etc, I saw who I was dealing with was incapable of loving me or anyone, comparing definitions to behaviors.

[@ROCEMPOWERMENT]

You were in love with the projection of who they were when you met them....it wasnt the person who broke up and left you.

[@DSD]

Excellent point RockEmpowerment!

[@sabrina5885]

Thank you so much for this video! I am going through this right now. Watching this every time I have a weak moment.

[@emeryfamily6898]

video series/topics very accurate/unfortunately right on, THANK YOU for sharing/insightful info!

[@DSD]

Hi Emery - hope it was helpful - this particular concept, being "in love" with the illusion was probably one of the most difficult for me to personally deal with.

[@Ipdex]

brilliant video. tks man. best wishes, Russell

[@DSD]

Thank you Russell! I appreciate your support!

[@tonytingles4230]

Duane the uncle we all need when we go through a breakup. I was with a sociopath for six years. A month and a half after we split...she moved in with the new bf and shouted from the rooftops how she was madly in love with him.

[@dodibenabba1378]

She'll be torturing him like she tortured you. No great loss for you, he's probably already getting the devaluation by now. 🙏✝️😊

[@pegasus5148]

They Mirror to get you trapped in the abuse cycle.

[@pauladsilva9374]

I made it a nightmare.... because his reasons for breaking up each time was so crazy n lame.... I tried to fix it... he kept saying he loves me .. it was so strange to me every time I said something disagreeable to him..he broke up with me... 😢

[@DSD]

Hi Paula, one of the things you really have to look at in ALL relationships is “actions and words”. Someone can tell you, “I love you” but do they then back it up with the actions that demonstrate it? Typically they can’t. They CAN tell you want you want to hear but there isn’t anything there for them to actually do anything about it. Sure there are “moments” when they do “something nice” that gives you the appearance of being genuine BUT the problem is it is just an act. The other problem with people who have either a personality disorder OR strong narcissistic traits is that they can not look within themselves. Every time you “disagreed” with him you were questioning his own illusion in his head. In those situations you typically are punished (silent treatment or ghosting) or are completely discarded and replaced. You didn’t “make it a nightmare” you were *living a nightmare*. The thing is now it takes a while to disentangle yourself from them. As you mentioned before you don’t get closure because they aren’t capable of it AND it is something they won’t give you. Most people feel guilt OR something for the person that they “loved”. But in a toxic/narcissistic person is not capable of those things so they can’t give it to you. I personally struggled with that for years because I just couldn’t figure out what the heck happened or why it happened. Once I finally, after years of therapy, what I was dealing with THEN I got closure because it all started to make sense. More than likely my videos - and other narcissistic abuse recovery channels - you are probably having “aha” moments where you are saying “Yep, he did that”. Just know that is more than likely what you were dealing with. Sure, we (and I definitely am not) are not mental health care providers nor can we diagnose a person with a personality disorder. We can however LEARN about those disorders, follow the characteristics and traits AND if our ex parents exhibit those characters we can made a decision to approach the situation using the techniques to help (gray rock, no contact, hybrid not contact {when you have children}, absolute thinking, blackhole thinking). Stay strong Paula, this is a really difficult thing to get over BUT you will it just takes time and understanding to heal from it. -Duane

[@pauladsilva9374]

Dad Surviving Divorce ..thank you

[@DSD]

You’re very welcome +paula! That’s what this site is for! You should do something nice for yourself today, something just for you that makes you feel happy. For me it was driving to the coast to see the ocean, that always makes me feel better. You owe it to yourself to give yourself a little break.

[@musicmaker1311]

Paula Dsilva wow ME TOO😩

[@susancmcginley22]

Again, SPOT ON! Jeez, I wish I had known about this crap when I was drowning in it! I didn't even have a counselor who recognized what was happening. That was the worst part for me. I was deeply in love with this man, and even though there were snippets here and there that something wasn't quite right, I was totally blind-sighted when it all exploded!! I am a fixer in nature and have thought over the years that if I had known what I was dealing with, I might have been able to get help for our relationship, but dang if you didn't hit the nail on the head, WE CANNOT FIX THEM!! There is no pill for what is missing in them. Through counseling, they can learn skills to act in a more responsible way, but that's only if they recognize the problem.

[@jeannettejordan6251]

thank you!!! I also believe they never change, it seems to be that way

[@DSD]

You're welcome! Yeah that is true - they aren't really able to take that step back and really look at themselves so they don't think they are the problem - it's everyone else. -Duane

[@psychicsag5685]

All of your videos I have watched are so point on to my situation. I feel so many things and I feel grateful for your videos but I can’t help but feel like a fool. I feel totally broken from this experience 😞

[@DSD]

I think we all feel that way. You have to remember that these people deceive. How would you have known it wasn’t real for them but just a game. You’re not a fool. I was where you were, broken and defeated. But I can tell you now my life is so much better and fuller than it could have ever been. You’ve broken free from the vampire and you will heal from this.

[@Danash2013]

Such a brilliant video! This is definitely what happened to me!

[@CarolDudeck-bl7kz]

“FOUR” years and still I can’t believe it!😲

[@yahudahmob7612]

Finally powered up enough to free myself from the "illusion". Kids hate me except one of them, her family hates me also. She destroyed the relationship between me and my mother, as well. The flying monkeys are relentless. I'm a broken human being. Day 1. Funny thing is I woke with this morning almost feeling like a kid on Christmas morning, yet also sad. This is gonna be a tough one. 20 years in

[@dodibenabba1378]

Brother stay close to the Lord he'll lead you. For me it's 32 years, and I'm about three months in. Still got to go through a divorce and pretty much lost the kids who fall for her bs. The Lord has stepped in and saved me because I don't think I could have done it alone. I don't know how someone without faith survives this stuff because it is 💯 spiritual and demonic.

[@lordsauto]

Thank u very much. This is exactly what happened. U saved my life Dwayne

[@matthewbaumann630]

The most annoying part is that I got ghosted by a narcissist and I'll never know what I did wrong.

[@DSD]

Matthew, here’s the deal, it doesn’t matter what you did because it wasn’t real. I was talking to someone the other day about a their relationship that fell apart and they were beating themselves up because they thought they did something wrong. I’ve watched enough of the relationship that I could remind them to instances where they were pushed to do certain things (like say they loved the person) amongst other things there were then used against them. So bottom line there isn’t anything that you really did wrong. More than likely one of two things happened. Either they found another source of supply that they felt was better than you were OR you set a boundary and they felt they lost control of us. So sure you could have “tried” to remain a good source of supply but it would have been at the cost of your soul - and then when they were finally done with you you STILL would have been discarded. Its a hard truth to accept but it is also the reality. -Duane

[@matthewbaumann630]

That's interesting. This is what I don't understand. How can those people have emotions toward their children, other family members, and animals, but no emotions for a romantic partner? Are their feelings for their family false too?

[@DSD]

In my opinion Matthew yes they are all false. A narcissistic personality type lives in a fantasy world of manipulation and illusion. Think of it this way - didn’t you think that they loved you before - didn’t you think it was genuine? I’m sure the answer is yes because that is how you were able to stay and endure it because it was wrapped up in the illusion. So they are going to do the same thing to get the supply from all those other people and even animals. Now there are going to be times where someone is giving them the supply that they need to survive. Depending on how “good” that supply is they will do what they need to keep it. This is probably what was happening to you and up until the time that you weren’t of any “value” any longer they played the game to keep you “on the hook”. But as soon as that goes away they flip a switch and it doesn’t matter anymore. Okay so the next logical question you’ll ask is, “but she was upset about XYZ happening.” Which could be a death of someone or some other loss or whatever. Keep in mind it’s an illusion and they know how to “play the part” of those emotions. This makes it *really difficult* for us because we keep saying, “Yeah, but” which keeps our minds going crazy. At some point Matthew you’re going to get to the point like I did where you realize you are driving yourself crazy and that you will never be able to escape that thinking unless you decide enough is enough. -Duane

[@nikkiwalker2017]

I was guided to this video on today NO DOUBT ❤ thank you kindly

[@DSD]

Hi Nikki you know I think a lot of times that is the way it works - we end up where we need to be to get the message that we need. Welcome to the channel Nikki! -Duane

[@istriver.]

Its just a perception that we have about that person. The reality is something else. U may view him/her in a certain way but u have to understand other people, wether its their friends, parents or siblings - they will view that same person with a completely different perception from you

[@mecca115able]

later they make u miserable, they are users. but karma is a bitch. they always looking for the perfect person. they suck..lol

[@DSD]

Excellent point!

[@Mirage238]

Know the truth and the truth will set you free.

[@DSD]

That is so true!

[@bethankrzowski4553]

Not in it, not for 6 years, getting married in august, and yet I'm still blamed, still persecuted, it's all passed on and done through third parties but it still happens every now and again, it's like that last little bit, they just can't let go.

[@dinourbani4068]

Duane, thank you so much for your genuineness and for sharing your story. Your videos have helped me to heal very much. I thought it was me and that I wasn't doing enough or I should have done this or shouldn't have said that..... those thoughts are gone. I just thank God that I ended it and I didn't move in with her. I wish I could warn her future "victims".

[@kimvannote5024]

He reminded me of my mother, what can I say? Denial and Repetition Compulsion. Finally done with them. Faced the music. Went through it. "Left Home" so to speak.

[@DSD]

Good for you Kim, it is so difficult to come to that realization and conclusion especially with your own family. It took me many years to finally decide enough as enough. I don’t think people understand how tough this really is - we don’t want to do this but we have to - and MOST of us really struggle with it. Honstly I was slowly going back myself right up until my mother decided to befriend the ex and start spending time with her. It took something that drastic and damaging for me to finally have the fortitude to stay the course. Okay - so I didn’t mean to go in a diatribe on my experience and I hope you don’t take my comment in a negative way - I just can definitely relate to your story! -Duane

[@gamayun1224]

@@DSD Duane, please don't apologize. Your personal experience is very valuable to hear.

[@DSD]

Thanks YT

[@raquelmolina8814]

I am sad that our marriage ended..he was always a team player & we worked together. But within one 1 after we move he completely changed. He cheated with a co-worker who was married & I met her & her husband at a Christmas party in 2014 & she put on some drama at the party running to the bathroom & saying that her husband is going to kill her, the kids & himself..mind you this was me first meeting her & his team he they are the police by the end of January 2015 she was in divorce proceedings with he cop husband. Him & I were arguing like crazy & this wasn't him. Found out he told his sister he needed to help her that she was in an abusive relationship. I didn't know it then but had a feeling of the affair. It hurts. Then they moved into a rented home with her & he kids. It's mind boggling!! He alienated his oldest girls barely seeing them all of them over time. Going over boundaries..I since then sold the house we shared & moved into a apartment. It still hurts to see photos that he sends my youngest of all of them as a "family" I don't get it. As if I never existed everything is blamed on me. Please help me to understand.

[@jojmalna]

The first good and real video on the subject. Thank you.

[@pinkflame8441]

Wow!!! Illusion was the major factor

[@DSD]

Hi Pink - yeah I was just talking to Debby about this earlier today and how you get wrapped into the illusion and thinking it's real. It's really hard to believe someone who fake all of this for their own emotional needs and that it never meant the same thing that it meant to you. -Duane

[@pinkflame8441]

Dad Surviving Divorce I so agree !!! they can't exist without feeding off someone with a soul ...you really are with a ghost in a body ! It does seem real .... The key word seemed .... Real ... They could put Hollywood out of business . They lust you the only way they know how because love is not their speed .

[@DSD]

Very true Pink - it is really just sad how it plays out - their targets think and feel as if it is something real - they play their part and suck them in. It's just too bad how painful it is when the illusion falls and reality sets in! -Duane

[@pinkflame8441]

Dad Surviving Divorce I think lol now we know what happen in the garden with the female Adam she like us was totally beguiled when I looked that word up I was like 😨😱! But look at the gift they give ... You are able to share you gift of survival and it really makes a difference ...to hear you are not along... because it hard to explain this to people who never been in it ! And we are wonderful people ! Thanks for sharing your story again ! It's grace to the hearer 💞🎉🎉

[@DSD]

Great example Pink! Thank you for the support, I'm really working hard to get this out there and try to have a different, positive and actionable perspective to help people through this. I always appreciate feedback that I'm on the right path! OBTW - you can call me Duane instead of typing out the entire channel name! -Duane

[@CarolDudeck-bl7kz]

This is “ME” Dwayne!🥱

[@mytube4576]

but it is true opposition will either break you or make you stronger. Great to see so many people getting stronger I just got done with the second round with the monster! 4 years of first round two of the most confusing years of my life just passed. it is only been a week. 6 months ago I realized when I stumbled onto a video of covert narcissists that the Lord was talking to me He is so faithful!

[@itsaaronlolz]

I don't miss the illusion. I just wish he could get better.💔