Ep. 125 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

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On this week's episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer discuss Bert's experience watching Tyler Perry's "A Madea Homecoming," Britney Spears' insane Instagram posts, W. Kamau Bell's new docuseries "We Need to Talk About Cosby," and David Spade's episode of 2 Bears. Bert tells the story of going to a strip club in Austin with his crew the night before, and Tom and Bert talk about "Yo! MTV Raps." This leads them to wonder why Method Man and Redman haven't started a podcast. They wrap up by FaceTiming Russell Peters to see if he could put the Bears in contact with them.
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[@djrt8179]

Tom is like the kid who went to college and moved back over the summer and his hanging out with Bert, his friend from high school who works for his dad's landscaping business.

[@xannas.9207]

Yes

[@birdette79]

Wow that is spot on 🤣

[@HisHowliness]

More like guys at their 20th reunion, but Brunt is STILL working for his dad's landscaping business.

[@MrSeburbs]

Scary spot on 😂😂

[@birdette79]

@@HisHowliness uhhhhundred percent

[@nerbl8146]

You know when Bart yells “Hold on, hold on!”, he’s speaking to the 5 other people inside his head. ;)

[@sarahlowell3763]

Uhhhhhhhundred percent lol

[@alphanganga4092]

Ohhh yah😂

[@David.5.6.7.8]

Best part of the show… 🤣😂🤣

[@JUSTINTIME-CEO]

I can relate lol

[@SlayerTomentor]

I'm type 3 combined ADHD how he interrupts people and goes from one topic to another just because it slightly reminded him of something else, with the comorbidity with dyslexia and addictive behavior looks a lot like undiagnosed ADHD

[@jakehawkins9330]

Bert smoking *almost* finished cigarettes that he found on the ground is the most Bert thing I’ve heard

[@marycallahan7795]

It’s a lie. Bert’s been smoking other people’s cigarettes on the tour bus for years.

[@jac1897]

@@marycallahan7795 lol

[@thefinalgrind]

HE DID NOT SAY ON THE GROUND! HE SAAAAAAID ON THE ASHTRAY GARBAGE CAN TOPS! AND THEY WERE BETTER WITH LIPSTICK BECAUSE SLUTS ARE WORTH MOUTH DISEASES! GOOOOOSH!

[@thefinalgrind]

In other words, he was legit smoking the cigarettes of others who were waiting to come back& finish their own cigarettes. Lol. Literally the most disgusting of the disgusting. Lol

[@evanripple3230]

I knew a kid in high school that would go to the Walmart parking lot, pick up cigarette butts off the ground. He would then remove the left over tobacco into a can and use that as the fill for his hand rolled cigarettes. Unfiltered, not that it really makes much of a difference.

[@Fine_living718]

There comes a time when you listen to Brent stumble his words enough that YOU have to take a deep breath.

[@D-Corporation]

Bert: "I'm fucking hammered" Tom: "OK thanks for watching"

[@ianmcdougall739]

Hearing Bert talk about wanting a baby in the house and his memories with his girls was really sweet.

[@jzam469]

Sport Coat Tom looks like he has finally accepted he is here to interview Bert. 10 minutes in Bert is asking Tom the questions 🤯

[@spencerlawrence8318]

I had a hard time waking up for work this morning, and in a sleeping daze looked at myself in the mirror and mumbled, “Gotta get her goin’ bud.” And if Burp can physically get out of bed this morning there’s nothing stopping you.

[@birdette79]

🤣🤣🤣 Alright you've inspired me, channeling Fedsmoker first thing in the morning.. you'd be energized enough to feather it all day long!

[@josef2012]

Unlimited feathering

[@danielbarton6069]

Hell yeah chomo

[@sentientcardboarddumpster7900]

The only thing Bert has to do himself is put the beer up to his mouth and drink it

[@NAGAHEART]

burp

[@DamjanDenoble]

31:19 omg, Tom’s glance and nod at Bort after saying “I just feel like this is someone who is going to look back on this time in their life and say ‘yeah, I needed help back then.’” (Paraphrased)

[@BBD-AITB]

Yeah, I've gotta admit that Bert is teetering on the edge of turning from a fun alcoholic to an actual alcoholic.

[@DamjanDenoble]

@@BBD-AITB poor guy. I like him a lot, but the undertone of last few episodes and then of course the relapse tour is troubling. I hope Berty boy can find some way to slow it down.

[@hudsonhill4611]

Brunt is back to regaining his power so he can treat himself to copious amounts of alcohol when he doesn't drink in a 12 hour period

[@El_Chompo]

A scarily accurate depiction of how addiction warps the mind

[@DakotaisBeast295101]

Sounds like someone I knew lmfao

[@donilexington4600]

@@El_Chompo right? And people still argue that he isn't an alcoholic. 🤣🤣🤣 it's not guess work anymore. The only ones who defend bort are probably alcoholics themselves though. 🤷‍♂️

[@followthepaytch]

Tom at Bret’s funeral: “This is the first time I’ve been able to speak uninterrupted…”

[@largemargeog1023]

Hilarious

[@Cyge240sx]

Toms gonna die first via Garth Brooks

[@danielharris138]

Toms has visible heartbreak on his face when Bert says the word dad. Such a human moment, all love to to and the family.

[@robertpetrie6999]

Bert: you wanna know how crazy my brain works. My eyes: roll impossibly far back into my skull

[@BrianUtne]

"works" lmao

[@accidental-life]

Lmfao

[@accidental-life]

@@MrFahelz seriously, I skip this show way more until I run out of shit to view on KZbin strictly because of bert.

[@Swearengen1980]

@@accidental-life Ditto. It was great at first when it was more back and forth, but this becoming the annoying Bert show just killed it.

[@BrianUtne]

@@Swearengen1980 a hunnnnnndred percent. It got real old, real fast.

[@Hunter_Lee]

I love picturing Bret half drunk & passed out watching a Tyler Perry movie in first class, truly a unique human

[@RolandSpecialSauce]

Hearing them talk about Tim's son sounds like they're describing Steve-o. Raspy voice and loves when stuff is breaking.

[@andrestein6022]

Got a house this weekend mommies! Used Bert's patented system to do it too! I just let the fiance do a huuuundred percent of the work! She's an amazing workhorse like LeAnne

[@netherlandward]

You should get 2 dishwashers

[@prasun911]

@@netherlandward swear to good that shit is really helpful, also an additional small fridge also helps store drinks easy afff

[@kristiskinner8542]

@@netherlandward he has a fiance & if the house already had one then he does have 2 dishwashers lol

[@mjsudela]

It come with a pool or are you going to have to dig one before you can start bathing?

[@andrestein6022]

@@mjsudela there's a creek nearby hahaha

[@tawk_studios]

Vikings Valhalla #1 trending on Netflix.!.

[@calestern4486]

Lol bert is the best midroll ad reader in the business 🤣 I wasn't looking at the screen and his vuori add came on and I was just thinking he was on a tangent again not selling me stuff

[@ReallyLongURL]

just wanted to give a big thank you to Tommy for helping his "special" friend Brap Krantshern. its important to help get them out of the house you know? good guy Tom

[@Fedsmoker999]

In high school I helped coach the special team this just brings back memories.

[@dalelane1948]

Umm you spelled Brad wrong...

[@brittanygonzo5686]

Brap Krantshern!! Maybe the best one I’ve heard

[@michaelmasin1996]

Bert's drinking has gone from "he is fun" to "is he ok?" very fast

[@benjaminanders253]

Yeah it's went from funny to sad

[@stevealleman9206]

You can see it in Tom''s eyes that he know this too.

[@rileyhughes5613]

Y'all sound like some nerds. Admittly I'm biased because I worked in a bar, but having been around *serious* drinkers: Bert is fine. This is a character y'all, he literally had three shots (at 40 minutes) and you dweebs act like he chugged a handle in the first five.

[@dariusallison5333]

@@rileyhughes5613 you’ve seriously normalized alcoholism. Don’t call people nerds because they recognize an unsustainable lifestyle for what it is.

[@rileyhughes5613]

@@dariusallison5333 three shots in forty minutes is in fact pretty standard n my experience in Food Service, let alone a Bar where 5+ is standard. One is ordered upon seating, another ordered between apps and dinner and a third paired with desert. My man literally has the most basic and controlled cocktail intake and y'all act like he's injecting a gallon of moonshine😭😭

[@austezygotKUSH]

IM SO HAPPY TOM IS SAYING THAT ABOUT BRITTANY! Felt like I was the only one saying it for the longest.

[@ryanmediano2424]

I agree, Adam Devine said the same thing on his podcast with the workaholics cast. He was like “her instagram is just her spinning in circles and doing these toddler dances with make up that looks like she just got done crying, all her videos are like that” no one wants to point out how unwell she looks because it’s woke to be on the free Brittney side even tho she looks really really unstable/immature

[@austezygotKUSH]

@@ryanmediano2424 it’s like Tom said. It’s always been the eyes for me. She just looks gone and not mentally there.

[@tb4544]

There's a reason her dad was her legal guardian for so many years, and it ain't The Patriarchy. She's a very mentally ill woman who can't take care of herself alone. Judges don't just assign guardianship of an adult to another adult unless there's something seriously wrong. I've worked in mental health a long time and I've never met someone with a guardian I didn't think needed one. These people end up homeless, drug addicted, prostituting themselves, starving on the streets if they don't have someone assigned to watch over them.

[@Swearengen1980]

@@ryanmediano2424 I don't know why anyone cares. But at least she's hot for her age and feels the need to gain attention by showing it off on instagram while she's exhibiting her mental illness.

[@Yasmuraz]

“2 bears racing was a mistake” 🤣🤣🤣

[@ayndeewhygee3656]

Definitely one of the episodes that makes me question if I should keep watching. Bert.

[@johns4719]

Completely agree. I made it 19 minutes. Bert is unbearable. Im about to give up. Tom is awesome- and is the only reason to watch. But Bert is absolutely ruining this show with his poorly thought out, mindless drivel.

[@josef2012]

@The Monarch Enterprise This guy gets it!

[@c0mpoot3rn3rd]

@@johns4719 the Tom zoom episodes were pretty rough. Bert is off the rails lately but their dynamic is what makes the show

[@zak-a-roo264]

A lot.of us have money riding on his downfall, gotta stay up on his progress.

[@polybiusnymb6446]

@The Monarch Enterprise he’s like a show that has run its coarse but the producers are contractually obliged to 10 more seasons

[@deadstellarengine]

Wet brain behavior may not always be immediately recognizable as the symptoms of wet brain may be misinterpreted as other health problems. However, unlike many of the other harmful effects of alcohol abuse that develop over time, wet brain occurs very suddenly and presents itself in two distinct stages.

[@tezwork5177]

Bert is a pure force of nature and Tom is his David Attenborough.

[@harrisb1994]

Only thing better than this podcast is hot sauce. Seeing as how it's the best.

[@jamesjackson160]

Enny approves of this message

[@thefinalgrind]

A wise man once said "It's the best"

[@thefinalgrind]

"Hot sauce all day, will keep the shits away"

[@OutlierConcepts]

"they're gonna call me out for drinking too much" "Its alright, they already do that on every episode"

[@zer0coolninja887]

Tom looks like he's a guest on the bert podcast about to show some new blurry night ufo videos

[@zer0coolninja887]

Ps. Look up jaime mausan

[@sisyr5615]

Nothing puts me asleep faster than listening to these two talk about hip-hop.

[@montychambliss6254]

Bert calling Tyler Perry a genius makes me question his drinking habits

[@blaketaylor3413]

Every time Bert gets toasted and Tom stays sober I remember how much I hate to talk to people when they’re on another level lmao love Bert but hats off Tom. Are you a better comedian than Red Man is at rapping 😂😂

[@JohnathonGallegos]

Bert’s laugh= a dyeing seagull!

[@nickapalooza861]

Bert licking his lips looking at Britney 😂

[@samsonfpv8902]

He said he watched Medea on a plane and fell asleep… literally seconds later starts telling the actual story.

[@zak-a-roo264]

Ennis was a beloved teacher of disabled children at an elementary school, never used his Dads fame to further himself......can't imagine Bert doing either.

[@niallgoddard02]

I can just imagine Bert coming home with 14 shades of lipstick on, looking like a homeless Korean pop star by the end of the day.

[@adamrichard9033]

Tom: whisper whisper mumble mumble Bert: **HIGH PITCHED SQUEAL ALARM LAUGH** it gets me every time. i turn up the volume and lean in to hear what Tommy says and then all of a sudden my ears are bleeding while Bert's donkey laugh rings in my ears.

[@k.c.simonsen2]

“Why you gotta quit drinking?” Burt: “powerful” Tom: “s-sorry?” - killed me

[@idesofmars]

the end is the best. Bert: "First episode? You can do it here. We'll share fans. I'm telling ya, everyone wants to hear you guys.......I'm fucking hammered." Tom: "Okay. Thanks for watching and listening." So good LOL

[@jarrettyates8968]

33:52 I bet this one of Tom’s favorites to go back and watch😂

[@Thater821]

Tom’s face and expressions are a renaissance painting

[@livinglikeluigi9300]

49 seconds in, Im gonna see just how fucked up i can get 😂😂 AKA Thursday night for Burt

[@MichaelWutsch]

Like how is this any different than any other episode?

[@stevewyatt5728]

Bert sipping on that Salt Point 👀🕺

[@MotherAce]

They need to do more 'Full circle with half-drunk Burch Kreicker'. That part was hilarious!

[@19captainmorgan96]

I love how much Tom respects rap/hip hop

[@TheGrenadeSlamDunc]

I love forgetting about everything and just laughing at these two. Such a fun podcast. I doubt you guys know how much you help us men out. A good reminder to just laugh and enjoy life. Much love

[@jeremydelaney1112]

Bert liking Madea is literally my favorite thing. I just see him shitfaced laughing so hard at these lame ass jokes 🤣

[@jaimealvarez4722]

David Lucas's family probably talked up the Madea series....

[@Dflizzle]

19:06 Brent says “ I saw the movie with a large black flamly” and then tom’s face and I lost it

[@GenXJames]

Bert has to overcompensate because he knows Tom has more talent in his pinky , than Burt has in his whole body.

[@TipTopSnow]

Please turn the volume up on the audio this is the only podcast i watch with with air pods when I'm not at work, yet it's still my absolute favorite. Keep it up boys 💯😂

[@BigPapaPump_]

A Madea style movie where Tom plays Bert’s dumber fatter brother. Toms character is constantly making Bert look smart and successful and gives Bert the confidence to achieve his wildest dreams

[@BigPapaPump_]

Obviously this would require Tom to wear full prosthetic style makeup

[@ladyloud8796]

Tommy Blazer is a vibe I am here for.

[@DeadeyeJedi85]

Bert, I love you, and I love to get fucked up when I can afford the hangover. I'm speaking only for myself when I say this, but this is not entertaining to watch when you're like this.

[@benjaminsmith5295]

Bert before his stroke is great entertainment but I got a feeling Bert after his stroke will be even more fun

[@tonycourant9771]

Bert suggesting that Tom and Spade compared him to Farley in Spades episode is hilarious particularly the “Dying soon part”

[@samanthareimerart4627]

Bert would be a great character in a Madea movie.

[@robertparrish68]

I lost it at " 2 bears one cave racing was a mistake" 😆😆

[@MaccTonight]

pam and tommy AND inventing anna are both stellar

[@Gigachad45749]

Like berts third time quitting drinking just cause of his "power"

[@ENigma-um8zw]

Berdt “ooh Pounceek Spaeck” 12:15

[@numba1osufan]

Bert has me wanting to get a full cognitive test and brain scan, i'm 27

[@cheeseface2323]

feel the same way at 26

[@rawpower12xu]

1:15:43 where the hell did that come from? “Learn how to make tortillas”? 😂

[@x.Aura.x]

the determination to six degrees of Kevin Bacon themselves was amazing

[@ruxtonau]

imagine Bert's your Dad and he can't remember your age and you rarely see him cos he's out working. But you can just catch him like this on KZbin all the time! yaaay.

[@hypno5690]

His kids sound awful I don't feel that bad for them.

[@blueridge8992]

Hi Georgia

[@andreswolfgang5783]

The more professional the podcast looks, the more Bert drinks in the episode. And Tom's just here for it.

[@daveydavedave]

Is it just me or are the volume levels for 2b1c so varied. Sometimes I have the ride the volume keys

[@mikesullivan7153]

You better believe I'm coming up in May! Have a good week mommies and remember keep em high n tight 😉💪🏻✌🏻

[@ScottWaa]

David Lucas has excellent crowd work! Dude is hilarious!

[@paulengblom3291]

Holy crap guys you could make a hilarious movie where Tom is Berts lawyer

[@cirelachlan]

It's bumming me out that I can stand Bert's drinking less and less. This has been my Monday ritual for so long but it's getting sad to watch him lately

[@donilexington4600]

Idk what's more sad. This realization. Or that fact that Tom knew it a long time ago and still decided to use Bert's situation for content. It doesn't put Tom in a good light either.

[@Swearengen1980]

@@donilexington4600 That's taking it a bit seriously. You say that like you have intimate experience with alcoholism and if that's the case, you know damn well there's nothing Tom can do.

[@donilexington4600]

@@Swearengen1980 he could be an actual friend and start an intervention and get him professional help at a mental ward. But sure. He "can't do anything."

[@Swearengen1980]

@@donilexington4600 You can't help people that don't want to be helped or don't think they have a problem. Interventions rarely work. That's why Rogan started Sober October and anyone who has followed this group of guys for years knows the situation. Mental wards are not where you send alcoholics FFS. I take it back, you must not have first hand knowledge, at least not as the addict themselves. As a sober alcoholic, it's clear you don't have a f'n clue.

[@drugaddictwithknowledge9603]

@@donilexington4600 you can't do anything it's up to the addict. Took me years to stop using drugs

[@ryanvandenhul802]

Drunk Brent explaining a Tyler Perry movie to the audience is absolutely electric

[@drexl7958]

I’m torn, I love Tom as a comedian and podcaster. I think he’s a genuine talent. However, the more Bort talks, the less inclined I am to continue to watch 2 bears. Looking forward to Tom having guests on this pod again.

[@Thinkcreep]

Tom has two other podcasts you could listen to instead.

[@drexl7958]

@@Thinkcreep - awesome! I know of your moms house, what’s the other one?

[@thepopeofdope8422]

Probably the best opening to a podcast I've ever heard in my life

[@joshc6728]

Bert’s recap of the new madea movie is spot on lmaooo I thought the same 😂

[@stephenmellentine]

Bert thinking about his own funeral. He’s already got the first step, “Acknowledgment” down, Dr. Drew!

[@johnclaudetaylor5224]

Two black bears one cave 😂😂😂 yes

[@bthiel24]

Burnt's vibe is slowly turning from funny to sad. I think he could blow up even bigger (popularity, not weight... lol) if he evolves his schtick, rather than fighting to maintain what it was 5 years ago.

[@cheeseface2323]

agree 100 percent

[@taylurskye]

I absolutely love Tom's black jokes 😂😂

[@reflection8578]

I can’t wait until there’s a guest on in Bert’s not here. The squeal makes me want to throw my phone at the TV.

[@jackmurray7093]

Its like his brain doesnt know how to keep himself from trying to talk while he shrieks

[@abelincoln196]

Best episode of 2022!

[@saebahsuproc]

The first time I watched a madea movie I was pleasantly surprised how funny it was. I watch em now whenever a new one drops lol

[@salty_lizard]

Strip clubs = EVERYONE'S 18th birthday in Florida

[@absoluteMJ]

Just checking in on the guys playing the Bert drinking game.

[@cristopherchouinard8414]

Dudes laughing in the back sounds like a laugh track

[@electricgoose4691]

Tom: We need to wrap this up Bert: No we have stuff to talk about *Starts watching MTV Raps*

[@82saw3]

BRING ME TWO CUPS OF COFFEE!!!

[@robertczifra483]

That hat is awesome Bert

[@conormartin8894]

It’s hilarious that they let Bert read the ads on this show. It would be a miracle if he made it through one with no mistakes 😂

[@michaelbenson9518]

New Set = 2 Bears, 1 Igloo

[@madelineemrich7032]

Tom is WERKIN that jacket

[@bellaparker7347]

I love this pod but I also feel bad as we watch Burt fall deeper and deeper into alcoholicism. Each episode he is more intoxicated than the previous episode

[@BukkakeeNinja]

"2 bears race team was a mistake" 😂😂😂

[@jayjason2517]

Bert thinking Britney Spears' dad's name is Jamie Lynn. lol.

[@alexleonarddrums8662]

Do Tom and Bert show these episodes to their therapists? lot to unfold here.

[@brandedmustang]

brent crystal balls is really top notch this episode

[@marcgoncalves9463]

Tom you killed it Sunday great set my man.

[@EtiquetteGuideLines]

Bert is on one this episode!!!🤣🤣

[@gfeast4518]

A good time to end it all 😂🔫

[@angelxo13]

tom looks like a mad scientist

[@goodtimes2595]

Gotta love how Brent goes from mumbling and you can’t hear a fucking thing that he’s saying to full blown pterodactyl and you can’t hear a fucking thing anyone is saying till the tinnitus wears off.