Retroactive Jealousy: A Strange Way of Thinking About Sex | RetroactiveJealousy.com

[@ZacharyStockill]

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[@ZacharyStockill]

@adrian andreiev What do you mean by "what happens?" Could you rephrase the question, perhaps?

[@theoriginalawesomeglowsome7712]

I understand your explanation and perspective but I still suffer with anxiety around RJ, and as you were speaking I was understanding but sweating and my heart was sinking as well…..I want to run away to a world where I can never feel this emotion….to anyone that I talk with about this, they think I am crazy…..I don’t want to feel like this again…..I get visuals and I have a hard time separating them from reality

[@arturelias6418]

You're most certainly not crazy. I believe I can feel your pain (on the other hand, we might both be crazy indeed 😅). I wish you perseverance, equanimity. A little bit of luck won't hurt also You look very young; that means mentally flexible and with so much to learn and grow. Chances are you'll find your way around this issue and/or someone more compatible. I wish I could say the same about myself.

[@Justinyohousecooking]

You're not crazy, believe me, you're just a person with RJ and that can suck, but you can overcome this. Good luck with fighting this demon. We're with you on this!

[@Justinyohousecooking]

And trust me, when it eventually does get better (and it will), you will feel so proud and grateful that you stuck through it. I found that it is worth it, but is takes a loooot of patience and work.

[@theoriginalawesomeglowsome7712]

@@arturelias6418 wow, what accurate observations! Thank you so much 😊I wish you so much calm and peace 🤗🤗

[@theoriginalawesomeglowsome7712]

@@Justinyohousecooking I feel another thing I need to figure out is if this is stemming out from being unhappy in the relationship or is this really a problem I can keep having in future relationships.

[@ari_jean]

Just like all these people in the comments, I live in hell too. I fell so madly in love with my current boyfriend, we had so much chemistry that I’d never felt before, but he’s 10 years older than me and his past sexual/romantic experience is so much greater than mine. And it’s full of drama, tough breakups, nasty sex, betrayals, prostitutes, friends with benefits who are still his best friends etc etc. While I had one serious relationship in my life and a couple of one night stands. After a year and a half of this emocional rollercoaster going from “I want to marry this man” to “he is the worst human in the world” I reached the point where it literally effects mine and his health. I started to have huge headaches every time I get jealous and his hair got greyer within the last year. The idea of staying with him seems horrible, because I can’t tolerate the fact that he was cheating on his exes and that he slept with most of his female friends, but also the idea of leaving him seems terrifying, because he has been nothing but amazing to me. I also obsessively check everything he does online and I’ve never found anything actually betraying. I just hurt myself every time I do this.

[@maytaylor3743]

I feel like I'm going thru the same. But i don't care about his sexual past, I care more about him being friends w his exes.

[@theobrodzinska6468]

@marta how it’s going ?

[@Drikkerbadevand]

If you've done one night stands before too who are you to judge?

[@ari_jean]

@@Drikkerbadevand my problem was not “one night stands”. Read again I guess?

[@Cluedup2399]

I feel like a lot of this jealousy Is warranted but the rj is the issue you want to fix do it for you know one else.

[@joshuahaudek]

This is one of the most genius perspectives I’ve ever heard

[@meganbartock8546]

Well, this made me cry… I’ve never thought of it in that way. I needed this

[@LiveToFly-Br]

One thing that is quite repetitive in this and other videos is the relevance of your partner at least accept he/she made mistakes (as everybody else), regret it, learn from it and then, follow on with his/her life. Problem is when your partner simple doesnt see/accept her night stands etc as a mistake or anything like this. See the huge difference here?

[@ZacharyStockill]

If you don’t share values, sometimes, it’s time to move on.

[@GEss-u6o]

Why does she have to regret it though? If she had consensual sex, enjoyed it, no one got hurt or cheated on, then why should she regret it? As long as she doesn't take pride in it.

[@LiveToFly-Br]

@@GEss-u6o It is mostly a matter of values. As born-again Christians we understand that sex before marriage is wrong. As simple as that. She is supposed to be a Christian. It was expected that she regretted those things.

[@GEss-u6o]

@BoleiaDaVida So she's not a true Christian and maybe she doesn't want to be. Sex before marriage is extremely common these days.

[@TonyMccartan-nh8mb]

I was raised Christian my question is...what is marriage, u realise thats something society made up.....not god..marriage is a business as is christmas. Found this out when i divorced that i was sucked into a big money making trap......finding someone u love isnt about paper or status...i mean ill marry my new partner as she wants to but sex is nothing to do with marriage...sex is literally for peocreation and we are all products of procreation, cavemen didnt get married and if going by your logic sex before marriage is wrong then we are all products of wrong

[@michaeltorres4777]

My issue is that my gf got to have a lot more fast food than I did much more frequently. Where as I enjoyed a couple "dinners of a lifetime" I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of greasy big macs.

[@ZacharyStockill]

Do what you need to do, brother. :)

[@rrosedalechonies9437]

This is the one ^

[@FitnessSweets]

As a woman, I’m so done with wanting any more experiences. I remember each one, although there were few. It was enough to impact me, and it sucks. I just need one person who adds to my life, makes me feel good, grow and experience things together, and I can give back in return.

[@michaeltorres4777]

@Fitness Sweets unfortunately that is becoming the reality for women I speak with more and more. Take care and be well.

[@FitnessSweets]

@@michaeltorres4777 Thanks. The good ole Catholic guilt and having women’s issues stopped me in any attempts to sleep around to “have fun”. Lmao. I’m glad for that but still traumatized by that upbringing. I’ve had just enough to know what I like and dislike, and I’m done trying to “train” new men to please me. Nope.

[@skaterjam1]

Hey Zach, I've had a really tough time dealing with this recently. I have experienced this feeling in the past, but it has never been so overwhelming as it is now. I have recently been fighting with my girlfriend and I can see this jealousy is destroying our relationship. Hence I have turned to some guidance. This video, whilst simple was a great tool just to remind myself of perspective Thank you

[@ZacharyStockill]

You’re very welcome.

[@grahamapplin7213]

Zachary, that was one of your best, and you really explain it with conviction! It makes a lot of sense and has helped, thank you.

[@ZacharyStockill]

Very glad to know, Graham.

[@willmander5179]

@@ZacharyStockillplease help me zach please I beg you, what have I got to do?

[@anonymous-ns1xd]

this just has me questioning how much she enjoyed her past experiences and maybe they’re the “12 course meal”

[@jboy4023]

Exactly what I was thinking

[@laurazierler6985]

Same…

[@PaolaSabato]

Maybe they could have been a 12 course meal in the past moment, but in the end, all those stories didn't work. I think that what comes after something, is much more intriguing and satysfing than what lies before.

[@lwr6762]

Sitting in a motel room with a bottle of Jack trying to figure shit out and whether it’s worth it or not.

[@soulwulfmusic34]

This was incredibly helpful and insightful, thank you so much. It spoke volumes to me

[@ZacharyStockill]

I’m glad. You’re welcome.

[@anomalistforthewin1613]

What about the friends with Benefits? Where your partner stay for a long for nothing else that the sex and what if the fwb situation was 3 weeks before we met?

[@dylantrinh856]

I've been struggling with RJ for a couple months now and after seeing your videos I'm starting to feel better about my partner's sexual past. She didn't exactly make the greatest decisions and she regrets them deeply and for some reason, I cannot get over those past decisions. What helped a lot was the analogy because I sometimes fail to understand that the sexual experience she has with me now is much more meaningful and deep compared to what she had in the past. I do admit I still struggle a lot with RJ but watching some of your videos on RJ has helped a lot and I am looking forward to watching the other videos on this topic. I want to really cope and possibly get rid of RJ if possible because my girlfriend means the world to me. I gave her my first sexual experience because I knew she was the one and I plan to share this experience with her for the rest of my life. Even though I am not her first, I plan to make sure that I'm her last. She's been very understanding of what I've been going through and I can't wait to show her how much I've improved and going to improve. Thank you for your wise words!

[@bricktea3645]

Was she drunk when she slept with them and what's her body count? How does she show she regret it? Plz I need to know

[@dylantrinh856]

@@bricktea3645 No she was not drunk. And her body count I do not recall because I’ve stopped asking questions. In terms in knowing she regrets it there’s been countless nights of crying to the point where she even wanted to inflict self harm. She suffered a lot from depression and being used from others and I really want to be that game changer. That difference in her life. I think when you said you really need to know, just know that you actually don’t. I thought I did too but in reality it’s like, it doesn’t help to know what she did in the past (for me at least).

[@venven2624]

Great man! Been struggling for this past weeks. Reading your comment makes me pursue more to think that way too. Really hard but I know I can too. Thanks man 👍

[@turkan606]

I am just the girl version of you. Our story is same.

[@aswat1635]

@@turkan606 bana giren cikan yok kiz sporcuysa bide guvenilir ve beni seven biriyse tamamdir

[@Arteus73]

I’m strugeling with RJ/OCD since two years a go and I feel like living in hell. I´m working to overcome that mental disorder and hoping to save my relationship with the most wonderfull woman I’ve ever meet. About this sexual issue and following the analogy my R/J makes me uncapable to understand how a 12 course meal has been able to eat so many fast food... that gets me nuts. Thank´s for share your wisdom.

[@diegouy8482]

@@yzaki2129 I suffer with rj/ocd, I think the issue isn't rooted in rj or ocd. It's my perception of low self-worth. Maybe your issue is rooted with another mental issue that might be easier to address.

[@annairaaaaa]

It's so sad that we are going towards a break up because of this...while on the other hand there are ppl here in the comments that are trying to resolve this issue. He is still rolling on it, thinking I didn't tell the truth, that I'm out of his standards for stories i had in 9 months. 9 months against my entire personality, my entire life. My heart is full of love, we deeply felt in love like teenagers, still in love of each others but i guess by him it's not real love anymore since weeks. I cry sometimes, thinking about a different universe where we can meet at 18 yo and we could stay together the entire life. So he knows I have never had anyone. Life is terrible. I feel so unwhorty of being loved

[@addraemyr]

I'm sorry for your pain. Thank you for your comment though this really genuinely helped me. I'm in that boat right now, pondering ending things with someone I really love because I torture myself with stories about imagined scenarios I keep telling myself to hurt myself. You're right it's something to work on and get better about (within reason). Thank you for putting things into perspective.

[@annairaaaaa]

@@addraemyr thank you for your comment...you felt in love with her, it's not so easy to fall in love with someone. Moreover, you have to think at the memories you are going to build with her and the ones you already have. Do you really want to throw it away? Plus...Better have a woman who tells the truth (even if it's painful and long process to accept, elaborate for her and you) compared to a woman who knows how to speak lies and shut up your thoughts with lies in 1 second.

[@jakeoleary5115]

Wow, what a brilliant video, which completely changed my whole view on sex and my partners past sexual experiences (which she told me mainly were not fun). This was something I was upset about because she had slept with more people than me, and it ate away at me, until now. Could feel the anxiety drifting away the more the video progressed, brilliant stuff! Made me feel instantly better about myself.

[@ZacharyStockill]

Great to hear, Jake.

[@PaolaSabato]

One of the things I most like about Zac is that he talks with such a deep emphaty and he also put some smiles even in hard topics like this. Many of us are a sort of "outsider" in a world that understimates sex and intimacy. I am not a saint, I know, but personally I can't accept sex as a part of fleeting datings (situationships that took places in few weeks). When I share intimacy, I also share the desire to be a part of the world of the other person. So, is not just a "free trial". But the example of food was the best I have ever heard, and now I am feeling more open about new paradigms and perspectives.

[@mr.schwitzer1451]

I am very religious, and I still understand the analogy here. I found it very helpful. Actually helped me understand my wife. She has been very open that her past experiences were not positive, and sex with me has been so much more.

[@ZacharyStockill]

I’m glad.

[@HRMayo]

This helped my perspective, but I still feel sinking anxiety. The triggers get me.

[@leviwendigo1811]

This is great! I believe shifting the way i view sex will be key with having easier thoughts around my partners past. I know my past experiences haven't all been equal, further they all meant something a little different to me.

[@PaolaSabato]

I feel it

[@MORGANHUGES]

Zachary i have been struggling for RJ from 2012,..May God bless you ,,hope one day i will give you my story.

[@Slatttt999]

In my situation, my girl has been with a guy for 6 years and has had unprotected intercourse the whole time. It’s something that doesn’t sit right with me , and always gets me mad. I don’t know what to do bro

[@aaronweiss3294]

Dump her or change your emotions. You're a man, you are capable of armoring yourself against her, you can just stop caring about her the same way. You'll care about her as a duty, you'll have deep feelings for her, but you'll be less squishy. If she kisses another guy it'll bother you but you'll leave for a while because your life is better off without her causing you discomfort and disrespecting her, and you may give her another chance because it's less work than getting a new one. You'll seperate your squishy feelings from your processing

[@Philip_Chong]

This is the first time I admitted that I am an RJ sufferer. I just have a different point of view and nobody is the same. Some men can marry a hooker or a porn star but not everyone is like that. The pain and anxiety are real and mood swings happening from time to time. I am working hard to rid of this RJ so I can enjoy our relationship even more.

[@999everlong]

What about if you and girlfriend have amazing sex but your still jealous of the sex her and her ex had? Am I crazy or a bit of a narcissist??

[@arturelias6418]

Very thoghtful as allways. You described my dilemma pretty well. Never heard anyone come even close to that before. I'm the life-changing-food-only type. Doesn't help much, though. In my age - and specially after MANY years of therapy and meditation practice - I pretty much gave up on the idea of getting rid of this issue for good. Too many factors interacting with each other, some running deep beyond where I can see, understand and change. Too much sensitivity for too little wisdom. If I get just a little better it'll be a big victory.

[@wonderwhy5824]

Im at McDonalds now.. This is a good way of looking at it. I dumped a girl cuz she had ALL THE MCDONALDS in Texas. And often... sooo after finding that out, truth finally come out a little at a time. I felt so gross, and nasty. Just cuz they look good doesn't mean they have value

[@ZacharyStockill]

“All the McDonald’s in Texas” could be a good country song.

[@wonderwhy5824]

@@ZacharyStockill I do play guitar. Do you sing? I'm Ready haha!

[@bricktea3645]

What did u tell her? Was she mad that u broke up with her because of these reasons?

[@vintaq.]

Damn bro, u got me mad laughing tho with the mcdonalds 😂

[@vintaq.]

She didn’t get a few hamburgers, she got the WHOLE Menu

[@dog79-p5l]

The issue is that because of high body count she seems disconnected

[@tiagogs2]

I total agree with you and makes sense, I always thought about sex like food, but the way you presented including RJ is fantastic

[@kennethcoyazo7756]

Thanks a lot! Very helpful Tbh I didn’t know there were this many people going through similar experiences. It also helps knowing you aren’t alone

[@turkan606]

Yess!! I didn't know either. I didn't evet know that these feeling had a name as "JR" I have been struggling for over 3 years now. I am much better now. I am doing better and better every day!

[@yazanalomari4554]

anyone got married after knew his gf past? please share your experience with RJ after getting married.

[@learningwithmrsmccoll]

Thank you so much, this is something that I have been struggling with. I understand things better with the analogy of the food.

[@tatasubramanian3816]

What if the girl really enjoyed the MacDonald experience snd doesn't regret it, how to cope with that?

[@ZacharyStockill]

Up to you to decide how important or relevant that is (or isn’t).

[@harnooraujla6191]

Charming personality you have my man. Good video

[@ZacharyStockill]

Thanks!

[@timpulver5932]

Excellent analogy. Very helpful!

[@ZacharyStockill]

Good to hear, Tom.

[@manishayonjan]

My partner just recently openup about his past relationship in detail after we recently got married. For him its not a big deal and because he values our relationship so much he never thought of sharing his past in details. And he finally did one day. He just casually said about those details. And the way it hit me is just so heartbreaking. I lost appetite for so many weeks. I am trying so hard to get over it but the constant thoughts visualization keeps bothering me. I ask questions after questions. My mind is not stable on this regard. Because of it we had so many arguments too. My mind is now too sensitive these days. The problem is definitely me here.

[@David1000BC]

That's very helpful... it always seems like an 8 course meal in my head despite her telling me it was a burger and chips not worth remembering. But It seems like an 8 course meal when it hits the mind suddenly out of nowhere because its attached to emotion/adrenaline. I'm applying something I learned from a book written by Dr Claire Weeks 'Self help for your nerves' ...40 years ago I found as a teenager when I suffered terrible obsessions not related to RJ..but related to fears I had about other things. The book contains information about various types of obsessions and how to overcome them. Honestly, it was like a gift from God ...it kept me sane and led me out of a terrible cycle of obsession/fear. She said 'let the first shock pass'...it somehow diffuses it.

[@nicholaswarren4334]

Your vids are really helping me thank you

[@ZacharyStockill]

Great to hear, Nicholas.

[@gregwatts3960]

Very helpful analogy buddy. Thanks.

[@ZacharyStockill]

Very welcome.

[@johnnyRotten620]

When I’m feeling RJ I tell myself what happened in her past is really none of my business, I wasn’t involved with her life, her business became mine when we married period.

[@ГенриБенедиктович]

И как ты избавился получилось ?

[@LiveToFly-Br]

Right on. Samething here.

[@dionneyagla5731]

...yet here is the million dollar question. If the moment was that insignificant, then why does the partner feel the need to mention it in the first place? 😏😏 For me, that's the clincher. That's when judgement and trust issues come into play.

[@pedrob.5021]

No, look, sometimes the partner is so insecure that need to prove his/her value for you, and depending on if this partner is a woman, is most likely to happen, because woman have a lot more issues with self steem than a men. Anyways, if your partner is very insecure, forget about have a relationship with him/her.

[@jasmincenteno4953]

God damn great point. I guess it's back to square one for me.

[@retroadam6534]

Long history together, might have been hurt by each other and used as a way to get back at the person. Then years down the road you two finally actually get together and that lingers in the back of your mind.

[@jackietexasvaquera]

@@jasmincenteno4953lmfao same

[@wydneonn2247]

my problem is that when dealing with RJ, my self esteem gets so bad that i start feeling like the mcdonald’s at 2 am as well

[@FayeMichelle-zb4uf]

Me too that’s my struggle as welll

[@officerfarva3666]

Why does nobody mention that this is dangerous advice when the retroactive jealousy sufferer could very possibly, and most likely, be a victim of narcissistic abuse? That is a subject nobody wants to discuss. Narcs love to triangulate and shame and make their partner suffer with jealousy and insecurity. I’d like to hear the advice based on those situations. This is a very great video, but I’m noticing more and more that in groups I’m in for narc abuse victims, a lot of them suffer from what would otherwise be labeled as retroactive jealousy… It’s not retroactive jealousy though. And then they’d tumble on videos like this and they further believe the abuser, who is gaslighting them and purposely making them feel shame and inadequate and jealous.

[@ZacharyStockill]

Zero excuses for gaslighting and emotional abuse. Period. And part of my work is helping people spot the difference between irrational RJ and red flags like you describe. I have never, and will never say that all RJ is irrational, and the sufferer’s problem to solve. Sometimes, the right move is to get out of the relationship ASAP.

[@westriver7698]

Thank you for writing this, I’ve been beating myself up for ending a relationship over RJ and thinking it’s all my fault but I’m starting to realize I was being heavily manipulated by her

[@nhljuan]

Brilliant comment and very valid.

[@Jean-de-La-Chap]

To the point comment. Girls who do that might incite some men for violence and rape, and then play the victim...Lots of research on this mental state.

[@K.DaWriterKid]

When your a women that struggles with RJ it’s harder bc society pushes for men to be promiscuous. So it’s expected for men to have a colorful past on average. So when you’ve been a woman who was opposite of what your current partner reflected in the past. It’s a bit alarming bc a lot of men tend to view “sex as just sex” even with their “new, special and amazing partner. And that’s worrisome bc I value sex and I view it as special. It would truly suck if I ended up with someone who didn’t view it the same as I, that it might be up to chance if he does. I would have a harder timer building trust within that person, and I’d definitely take it a lot slower than normal with him to assure myself that it’s something I want and okay to proceed with. I think men take it hard bc they are not used to women being sexually liberated and so outspoken about it. So it’s a shocker for men to find a woman with a colorful past. But for women, it’s the opposite. As I said, it’s sort of expected for a man to have numerous amounts of experience. So 9/10 if a man has a colorful past, the woman is probably not shocked. Turned off. But not shocked. And depending on the number, she just might run the opposite way. But I do believe people can change. Idk I guess it’s just hard to believe a man can truly change from his promiscuous ways to being a respectable upstanding man of honor and integrity. I think bc it’s not common, or not talked about enough from those men. So when it comes to accepting a partners past I think for me as a woman I find it challenging struggling with my RJ bc he’s a man and how most men view sex, especially in this hyper sexual culture of today.

[@DrJ-hx7wv]

How do you know the nature of her previous experiences? She's likely to spare your feelings. RJ is based on the idea that you don't measure up. You're not as attractive and maybe, she's pining for him. In other words, the Alpha Widow problem, a hot guy that rocked her world. If she was more turned on by her ex, she's not thinking about you during sex. This is the definition of "settling." You don't address the main issue and beg the question in this and your other videos. If you're not the best she's had, you're in serious trouble. He'll always be on her mind.

[@ZacharyStockill]

So every single woman you date is pining for some other guy? I’m sorry, but if you really believe that, you have much, much bigger issues than simply struggling with your partner’s past. I wish you the best, truly.

[@paulhernan550]

I struggle with the "what if the ex was better" thing too. And I must say I think @zacharystockill was a little dismissive with his comment, surprising. What has helped me with this is Zach's idea of past sexual experiences being fleeting moments. Maybe they were good, great even, but they're in the past and gone. And it's not likely your partner is pining after someone from years ago, thinking how great it was with that person. If they are then it's a sign to get away, IMO. At the same time I've had to accept that my partner did love other men, and she probably had great sex with them. This is a difficult thing for me. And I'm not over it. But I try to think that she was trying to find love. Doesn't everybody want that? So it's not her fault that she loved and gave her all for a relationship. In the same way it's not her fault she had one night stands and made mistakes. Another thing that has helped me is that I just don't WANT to be jealous anymore. One thing Zach said in his book that made a difference was, you don't have to torture yourself with thoughts of the past. You don't have to "get over it". Because there is no getting over it. You'll never accept it. So just accept that you'll never accept it, and that has helped me. I feel like I'm finally doing something good for myself by not letting the thoughts of her past take hold. When they come up I try to picture a cloud evaporating, like Zach says. And it feels good to take care of myself in that way, and it has worked.

[@paulhernan550]

One more thing. My partner tells me that she is present here and now with me, there is nobody else, and her past relationships are over. And I believe her. That is something that helps me tremendously.

[@spacesavage4761]

But my problem is I only experience RJ for my partner's previous long-term partners, because that were 12-course meals for him back them. How should I wrap my mind around that in this case?

[@ZacharyStockill]

Great question. I’ll try to address it in an upcoming video.

[@leeirwin6239]

I suffer so badly with RJ and its ruining my current relationship. My current partner is pregnant and I LOVE her so much. When we first got together she told me i could go down her phone and i ended up going down it and i found pictures of a guy she slept with called Jay and he was slimmer then me and younger and it really messed me up. She told me this was 3 years ago and then i found out it was actually a year before we met and then on top of that i find out she actually slept with two other men after sleeping with this Jay guy. She says I'm the only man she's ever climaxed with, but i think it's all a lie because how can you have so much sex and not experience that. She refuses me sex quite alot and says she can't force it and this leaves me thinking of her past and how she could let a man have sex with her that she barely knows but she apparently loves me and I'm the best she's had but she has to force it. It doesn't make sense. I love making love to her and it kind of helps me forget about the past because i feel we are so close at the moment but then she will refuse me many times after and then i start bringing up the past again. It's torture for me and probably for her. It's torture laying next to someone you love turnt on and they don't want to sleep with you too. How do i stop these feelings that she is a woman that sleeps around and will end up being a cheat? I know my jealousy will end up ending us if i don't get help. The way she is with my upsets me alot too.....she will look at me sometimes in away that she's picking me apart, and looking for flaws, like she will say let me see your teeth.....etc....I don't know maybe it's all in my head but it's real to me. I just don't feel loved when she doesn't want to sleep with me. I wish i had the answers

[@lnmemoryofjohnmordaunt7386]

Hi Lee, she's likely to be feeling very tired and uncomfortable during pregnancy so try not to take it as rejection. She might also be feeling not very confident or attractive as her body is going through a lot of changes, especially if it's your first child. The climax thing could well be true, speaking as a woman as it's about technique and compatibility with your partner more than anything else. I hope this helps somewhat, congratulations to you both and enjoy your new family.

[@drajatdiky]

I was born in a very religious family whom viewed extramarital sex as an absolute/irredeemable sin and everyone should treat sex as a 1 to 1 exchange between "good person" and "only good person met another good person in their life, vice versa" they said, so this view sticks to my 'worldview' until I entered college life. During my college days I met a lot of different people, each comes with different worldviews and bring something new on how they deal with different situation happened to them, including sexual matter. Long story short, I become more secular than my previous life. In my experience, it's the problem of "the other side of our conscious life" (i.e. the social surroundings that construct our mind that become the unconscious, if you mind Freud) that regulates disgust, pride, sad, joy, etc. We need to vent out that disgust feeling (the feeling of disgust that came into your mind when you think of his/her sexual history) in order to be able to forgive ourselves. Erase that nasty mind of comparing the lack of sexual experience compared to your partner with having more sexual experience with other men/women during your current relationship, DO NOT do it in romantic way but CASUAL one. I know its horribly counterintuitive, but erasing that "I'm a good guy who deserves equally good partner" mindset is vital to accepting ourself that sex is an ordinary human behaviour, therefore it can push the retroactive jealousy away. Retroactive Jealousy (RJ) arises when people didn't exposed to sex for a long time, so when they get the opportunity to sex (via a romantic relationship) it turned sour very quickly.

[@ZacharyStockill]

Sometimes that’s the case, sure, but not always. Many RJ sufferers have a very, very “colourful” past themselves.

[@chelugo9928]

God bless you. Thank you

[@ZacharyStockill]

You’re quite welcome.

[@ryanhumphrey5821]

Totally agree. But what if your partner has a long history of fine dining, and all you can offer is Applebees? Haha.

[@LP-jf1gi]

This was actually quite helpful

[@ZacharyStockill]

I’m glad.

[@dionneyagla5731]

WOW! What an analogy! I love the analogy! It is so true! I believe in the 12 course meal. I would go on a fast before chowing down at the proverbial "Waffle House", yet even the very best, most sophisticated love has probably found himself at Taco Bell accidentally, thinking originally that he may have been dining at a 5 star Mexican palace! As you can tell, I'm having some fun with your dining references! 😁

[@DCpounder]

Zachary. You mentioned in the hypothetical that the gf “regretted” the McDonald’s experience. Do you think it is important for them to say that and acknowledge that (if true)? Would it help to hear that?

[@ZacharyStockill]

Not necessarily, no. The point is to start telling yourself a different, better story about whatever is troubling you. You can change your perspective without having to hash out all the details with your partner.

[@snachmyweave4806]

I find it as the dining experience I can’t help it. It’s always sacred to me and I’m horrified by my partner’s experience. I know that’s terrible but it tortures me to badly that I think I’ll just let go of it, because I’m going for think I’m going mad. 😭

[@luiscastro1362]

I got that, I do understand what you're saying and indeed it was something I needed to hear, but the thing is, my girlfriend actually repeated the same night stand twice. In your analogy, she ate the burger, and chose to eat that same burger again, how should I look at this? Also, one of her night stands was with a guy I knew, how can I deal with that fact?

[@ZacharyStockill]

If I ate some burgers ten years ago, does that necessarily mean I want a burger today? Obviously there are limitations with this analogy, but you get the idea.

[@luiscastro1362]

@@ZacharyStockill fair enough, thanks a lot

[@BlammoGaming]

Thank you for the video! Watching you helps me out:) quick question, when you have intense thoughts and just can’t get them out of your head, what do you do? Bring it up to your partner or just keep trying to get rid of the thought?

[@Justinyohousecooking]

Hey Anival, for me the best way in dealing with them is often sitting back on my own, trying to be more present by for example taking some deep breathes (like I literally had to do 15minutes ago, because I was falling into these dark thoughts once again). 95% of the time I try to deal with them on my own, because putting them into the world by sharing them with my partner often triggers even more thoughts and more anxiety and eventualy make me angry at her. So for me it's best to just try some do meditation or look at a picture of her that I took or a picture of us to together to remind me of how good we are for each other and how strong of a team we are. Hope this helps!:)

[@arturelias6418]

What do I know. I'll offer my 2 cents anyway. 😅 Sometimes RJ painful feelings DO have something to do with something your partner actually did or said to YOU - hence, even If stil conected to feelings you have regarding something you have no right to complain about (because you were not even around back then), in those very particular situations, that particular issue qualifies as "present", not past; then it DOES have something to do with your present relationship. In that case I believe you would be entitled to bring up the issue, ask for empathy, and ask her to behave in a more mindful way/be more mindful of what she says. I must warn you that such an attempt of asking for help has no chance of producing any good results unless your partner is a particulary empathic/generous person. Even then, you must make very clear this is at least 80% YOUR problema, not hers. Good luck. You'll need It. This is just my humble opinion. I have no idea what Zach would say. In all other situations no good is going to come out of discussing these issues. It can happen, though, that your partner feels compelled to know why you look sad. She could try to force you into a degree of sincerity she might not be able to cope with, because some people have a big problema with not being fully accepted 100% as they are. Wich is silly, but happens very often. Then you'll end up with another one of those bitter extremely counter-productive conversations. One thing you should avoid at ALL costs is asking questions about her past beyond what is absolutely necessary in order to know about her values. Again, some people have the bad habit of being very vocal about their erotic past life - sometimes even after you tell them you DON'T want to know any further details.

[@BlammoGaming]

@@Justinyohousecooking thank you for this comment it really helps me out. I appreciate you taking time to reply to me. Sometimes it’s really hard and the RJ wins and that is what I have a hard time trying to beat. Thank you again and good luck to you

[@BlammoGaming]

@@arturelias6418 way more than two cents! I appreciate you reaching out to me. Hearing what other people have to say helps me out so much so I really appreciate that. Sometimes the questions just won’t go away and I try my best but the RJ wins sometimes. It’s hard to keep control. Thank you for your comment. It helps me out more than you think. Good luck with you!

[@arturelias6418]

@@BlammoGaming I've come to that point in life where trying to share becomes more and more importante, because you realize there are many things you won't be able to accomplish in this life time, so it's time try to put whatever one has learned and achieved so far to good use i.e. "passing the baton". I'm a father and a teatcher. Young people's future and hapyness concerns me almost more then my own. I've been blessed in so many ways allready. All the best to you! I sense you are someone capable of building a relationship full of joy.

[@anishkakataria3791]

thank you for this video! what if i think of sex as both but the 12 course meal only happens with someone i really like and think highly of (which is a rare occurrence)- and my partner says he’s only had 12 course meals in the past. this leads me to question the quality of our connection and the importance i placed on it starts to seem misplaced. It feels like he can feel so much for just about anyone he’s attracted to :(

[@davidd7397]

Can you talk about RJ and your partner having kids?

[@ZacharyStockill]

Bookmarked for a potential future video. Thanks.

[@azteca041307]

What if she had a relationship of 5 or 6 months and she said it was a good relationship but for some reason it didn't work because of some stupid reason

[@soundscaperecordings1111]

Thanks man

[@910lldw3]

Very helpful

[@dmac2059]

Absolutely genius analogy.

[@jeffguzman6497]

What if her old hookup texted asking for sex? Mine entertained him before blocking

[@giorgiagasparotto1071]

I didn’t know a 10 minute video could change my life but it did 🥹

[@ZacharyStockill]

Glad to hear!

[@ariadnajournal]

Thank you!

[@ZacharyStockill]

You’re welcome.

[@snukathecooker]

Both of those experiences require you show up with desire and hunger for food. If you took your hunger to McDonalds and not to the 12 course meal means the McDonalds would have been preferred.

[@ZacharyStockill]

Thanks for your comment.

[@Tumbleweed205]

What would you call a partner that goes back to mcdonalds after getting the 12 course meal?

[@dionneyagla5731]

What would I call that partner who goes back to McDonald's? Unworthy of fine dining!

[@Tumbleweed205]

@@dionneyagla5731 True that

[@BransonGamingHD]

you dont call them

[@Tumbleweed205]

@@BransonGamingHD its usually not so black and white, unfortunately.

[@BransonGamingHD]

@@Tumbleweed205 but it should be, someone who doesn’t show you respect or knows their own worth is more of a roadblock than a good path to take in life. I understand it could be horribly hard to take in or accept, but the rough truth is, if they don’t respect themselves, they won’t respect you, and if they keep going back to McDonald’s, chances are they see you as McDonald’s too😔

[@lukaspier6450]

Well done

[@Drikkerbadevand]

This is the only video where he's actually trying to give another perspective with logic and not just sad beta male copes.. What he says towards the end is so true.. What if you only see sex as the fine dining and you don't approve of anyone eating fast food.. Yeah, it's SOOO tough because it's a pretty fundamental worldview you know, but I just wish, and I am working towards looking at it in a less judgemental light

[@kevh7941]

What if RJ isn't a thing and it's just your partner's past that destroys you?

[@ZacharyStockill]

If you're trying to say that retroactive jealousy sometimes involves legitimate questions about values and compatibility, I absolutely agree (and say so endlessly on this channel).

[@kevh7941]

@@ZacharyStockillThanks man. I'm not questioning your work, far from it. I'm still trying to get my head round it all it's hard sometimes. Additionally, my partner's past is normal and average yet it still hurts me which proves that RJ is actually very real

[@chris-dempsey]

You're comparing meaningful sex to casual sex, but It's a bit hard to take that perspective if what they had before was meaningful , not viewed as a mistake and when they did not choose to end it.

[@ZacharyStockill]

Of course. I have yet to meet two people who agree 100% on everything. And if you don’t share someone’s values, sometimes, the best choice for everyone is to walk away. No shame in that.

[@chris-dempsey]

@@ZacharyStockill I share values and am still be affected by RJ though - what she had was meaningful to her, supposedly... which possibly makes it worse

[@ZacharyStockill]

@@chris-dempsey Endless resources for you here: www.retroactivejealousy.com

[@KNuzX]

Good analogy Zachary, working through some of these feelings. This helped to reflect on it. Great video, thanks!

[@ZacharyStockill]

Thanks, K. You're very welcome.

[@nanhilo]

What if she never regret any of her shitty McDonalds experience (I find this attitude quite annoying) no matter how bad was (in her own words)? I'm really struggling with this matter. I have no problem to accept in my own experiences when that Quarter Pounder was the worst thing ever. But she will fight for the honor of her bad fast food experiences (the really bad ones have more energy in her defense).

[@ZacharyStockill]

As I'm sure you realize, I can't answer that question for you. Only your partner can.

[@mustachecastache9140]

Run for the hills brother. That is not a wife, when she is a bigmac herself - she belongs to the streets. Hope you got out of that.

[@taegucci8811]

@@mustachecastache9140🤣🤣😭😭

[@littlethinggg]

thank you for your video. It reminds me that I am safe in my relationship and I need to put ny partners past in the past. Can you make a video about pornography and how it may affect a partners self steem?

[@ZacharyStockill]

Could you be a little more specific with your question?

[@littlethinggg]

@@ZacharyStockill How do you deal with your own insecurities and self-esteem when it comes to your partner watching pornographic content.

[@elijahk.7828]

The McDonalds is not what I’m jealous of. I’m jealous of the good stuff brother. Good video still

[@simplyswede7206]

This video brought me some much needed peace

[@ricardogrimm999]

What if you feel your wife had a 12 course meal before you but not with you?

[@ZacharyStockill]

Of course, I can’t say. The decision is yours.

[@rimac9022]

The truth about food, but I am lactose intolerant. So it doesn't solve anything.

[@ZacharyStockill]

?

[@harshal8956]

Thank God, I am here in India where there is this huge culture of arrange marriages and you can literally ask the girl about past before before the marriage happens, no issue of RJ and other such stuff.

[@ZacharyStockill]

I have numerous Indian clients.

[@harshal8956]

@@ZacharyStockill India is so big that your numerous is also miniscule.

[@ZacharyStockill]

@@harshal8956 We can agree that India is enormous. :) Have a great day.

[@redlineshawn1700]

Better off being alone honestly .

[@maxbottaro1]

I actually think you missed the mark. Most rj sufferers feel they are the mcdonalds

[@ZacharyStockill]

Then that’s an urgent problem that they need to solve.

[@chrisvo203]

I think painting hookups or one night stands as something to regret is a recipe for disaster, because it reinforces the idea that your partner "did something bad/worth regretting." casual sex is normal and sexuality should just be celebrated!

[@ZacharyStockill]

Of course they aren’t always to regret. Wasn’t what I was implying at all. And as always, whatever works for you! Whatever makes you happy.

[@canalsinceramentenos]

I strongly disagree, but if it doesn't hurt you, then it doesn't matter.

[@gardenguster5271]

I'm not celebrating that at all. Its stupid as hell.

[@NnaemekaAmamasi]

Are thise gods sitting on your table...?

[@ZacharyStockill]

Yes sir.

[@NnaemekaAmamasi]

Is that something you were born into or you just picked up ?

[@ZacharyStockill]

@@NnaemekaAmamasi I'm currently on the island of Bali, Indonesia, land of Hindu gods :)

[@ludziguilty7816]

I feel RJ for good 6 years now, I don't act on it, I hide it. But a few times I slipped up. My friend was with girl that I really liked a lot for a long period of time, and they did all the nasty stuff together. After a while that friend asked me if I would like to be with her, but in that moment a sence of bitternes took over my body and I laughed it off, and then I told him that I'll never pick anybody's left overs. He hasn't mentioned her to me ever since. How do I get out of this mindset?

[@ZacharyStockill]

You can start here: www.retroactivejealousy.com/free-mini-course

[@Lilyspeanutbutter-n4g]

Anyone ever think of just cheating on her until the numbers are equal or ao that you are one up on her number? I have but i know its weong and will only add another issue to my problem. And in gods eyes its a definet semtence in hell.

[@ZacharyStockill]

I promise you, it will only make matters worse.

[@taegucci8811]

Yes I’ve thought of doing the same just so we are equal 😂😂