When parents are in conflict over child sharing then it is appropriate for them to have follow the Mom's World-Dad's World coparenting style of parenting, however, if one parent is abusing the children, that causes a different requirement for the children to be shared, such as being enrolled in counseling, adding supervised child sharing, assessing the situation, and determining what is the best way to protect the children. Mom's World-Dad's World works for parents who may not be able to get along but abuses brings these concerns to a higher level of protection.

Happy to help!

Huhhhh you brought a child into the world and you’re gonna abandon them because of the other parent? That’s not fair to the child

I am sorry if this happened to you. It is always tragic for a child to be separated from one of their parents.

Hi Jada, please feel free to call me to come up a plan to help with your daughter's situation at 858-522-9396.

I am so happy that you have found some help from this video. This chart is actually applicable to all high conflict situations. Let me know how I can help with other questions.

I am glad it has helped.

Thank You! Let me know how I can help you with additional conflictual situations.

Unfortunately, it is very painful for many coparents who are having tremendous difficulty trying to work with a difficult coparent who is trying to poison their children against you. As a coparent in a difficult coparenting relationship, we need to learn how to disengage from the conflict and the other parent's efforts to program our children to hate us, and learn new ways to handle their questions so they are no longer confused and they can calm down. For example, here are a couple poisonous comments parents say to their children, "I have two Mommies now, Daddy says his girlfriend is my real Mommy, not you!" and Mommy says, "Daddy doesn't care about us, he doesn't pay me enough money to buy food for us, or new shoes for you!" You can't take the high road and hope your children will figure it out on their own. They won't. An aggressive coparent will keep pressuring the children to get them to believe their lies about the good parent. You need to address these types of comments with skill and compassion, which required you learn a new way to communicate. kzbin.info/www/bejne/Zpq8eZWsl56Knqs The 8 steps of empathy video gives you an outline on what you need to know. If you'd like to attend a virtual coparenting class to customize your tactics to overcome this poisoning, you can contact me at [email protected].

This is a common problem when a high conflict parent lacks insight and empathy. It is very difficult to coparent with someone who is unable and/or unwilling to focus on what is best for the children, because they do not have the capacity, skills or experience to know what is best for their children. For narcissists, it is always driven by what they want, (revenge, control, attention...) because they are able to step inside their children's shoes and figure out a way to stop causing so much emotional pain. You as a good parent must learn the skills to help your child to: 1) calm down; 2) comfort them; 3) coach them to past the pain caused by the other parent; 4) teach them to anticipate when the other parent will hurt them again, so they are not as raw and vulnerable to the abuse, and 5) teach them how to react in a way that they are not hanging on to the pain. Here is a video that talks about the 8 Steps of Empathy. kzbin.info/www/bejne/Zpq8eZWsl56Knqs join me in a virtual class on Tuesday evenings 6:45-9 p.m. Pacific time or Wednesday 4:45-7 p.m. to customize and outline the steps in a way that work to help you with your children's trauma. [email protected].

Dr. Deena Stacer thank you it’s heart breaking to have to see your five year old endure this. It was bad enough when it was me but now he punishes me for getting away through our daughter. He has other daughters I never met and they had nothing to do with him. I hope our daughter isn’t trauma bonded to him and can break free to a healthy life when she is old enough

Do you mean if they are unwilling or unable? A lot of people have not learned the tools to feel confident or competent. This is hard when you love someone who seems capable or supportive but they don't seem to take initiative or follow up on their supportive behavior. You have to narrow down further to decide if perhaps they can be coached to move their needle of being stuck in one of the quadrants to find out if they are willing/able to get unstuck. This may be asking them to participate in some kind of program to get unstuck or to seek professional help, could be a life coach, could be a therapist, a teacher, taking a class... Our goal with our children, is to help them to think for themselves, to help coach them with nurturing, structuring, and encouraging them to do something they want to do or learn something they should eventually learn, one step at a time. Encouraging them for their courage to try. Encouraging them and rewarding the for taking action. Unwilling can be a coverup for being too afraid to do something due to feeling weak, inadequate, powerless... A great book to read is Mindset, a new psychology of success by Carol Dweck. there are several chapters on parenting and teaching in the classroom that are applicable to children, the rest of the book talks about the growth vs fixed mindset of corporations, sports leaders, leaders... it helps you better understand the differences between the mindsets. If you want to help your loved one, see if they are willing to read the book and discuss. Let me know if I can help you.

Glad you enjoyed it! This video helps you feel more in control as you understand how much power you have in your home to help your children get out of fear and into their power to be happy, confident children. :)

@@HighConflictCoparentingSecrets It absolutely helps me very much Deena. You are so wise and such a gentle soul. I wish I would live closer to you... To have some mentoring or counseling. Lot's of Love, Victoria

Thanks for the book recommendation I will read it. Divorce is devastating on adults and children alike. My entire mission is to teach parents the skills, scripts, strategies and stories that will help them reduce their conflict with each other, so they can spend their energy on making sure that they bond more closely with the children, using tools like "Stringing pearls with their children," the 8 Steps of Empathy and the 5 Gold Medal C's. This will help the parents get through the rebuilding and the healing from the family breakup and stay close to their children.

I am so glad that you got so much value out of the videos. I also have an online class if you would like more strategies and tools. www.ParentsInConflict.com.

It is wonderful when both parents can work together! Congratulations!!!

So glad they helped!! Feel free to ask questions if you need additional help!

Unfortunately, between 25-40% of coparents in a breakup/divorce have ongoing high conflict custody disputes over the children. These are the coparents the usually distrust each other, believe that the other parent is not important in the children’s lives, and believe the other parent does not have the best interests of the children at heart. These are the parents needing different strategies to help them calm down; disengage from the other parent; and practice parallel parenting. I have found that every time parents in conflict interact with each other (whether in writing, in person or through any other means) they will “emotionally spin” for approximately 72 hours after each exchange. That’s means these parents are often emotionally unavailable for their children for 3 days when they are are unwinding from an interaction with the other parent. If they are constantly having contact, and it is volatile, then these parents are never able to focus on bonding with their children. For coparents who trust each other, they also believe the other parent is important in the children’s lives and they believe that the other parent has the child's best interest at hear. They are the coparents who can work together. They are the ones who can reciprocate and compromise without needing the court’s assistance, coparenting classes or counseling.

Unfortunately, when parents are having conflict over custody, the children are caught in the middle. The tension and stress for children is so painful and debilitating for the children, we need to find ways for parents who are at war to disengage from each other. In a normal coparenting relationship, when parents can get along, the parents find it easier to work together. These videos are for parents who are so distracted by the fight, they are not emotionally present for the children. Getting them to focus on their world at home helps parents calm down and be more emotionally connected to their children on their time.

Dr Deena Realtor People need to either pick one parent to get custody or get over themselves act like adults for the sake of the children. One parent having a 8pm bedtime and one parent having no bedtime one parent teaching the children to be catholic another teaching them to be Jewish does not work and isn’t good for the children. People are so selfish that they must both be involved with the children but they don’t want to grow up and learn to deal with the person they made children with? This is great for parents not great for the stability and life of the children.

If you are struggling with interactions, here is an equation that will make sense, Contact + Communication = Conflict. If you have increased contact and or communication, you will have increased opportunities for conflict. Control the contact and the communication and you will reduce the conflict. Every time you see the other parent or hear their voice, you will Spin about 72 hours. It is an anxiety spin and it impacts your ability to be present for your children. It is like you keep getting into a car wreck every interaction. You start to recover and you get into another car wreck... change the way you exchanged the children, like before school, after school, at daycare, or if they are older curbside where you stay in the home and the parent drops off. Creating a neutral exchange place takes your children out of the middle because they feel your anxiety and they they experience it too.

You may need some additional assistance from professionals who can outline your child's and then submit to court for help. You may need to get an attorney for your child to determine what should happen.

You probably need to take one of my online classes so you can develop more skills that will help you become more empowered, which in turn will get you to help your son. You will need to get professionals to help you with documentation at the same time. Then you need the court's help to implement safety measures for your child if the other parent thwarts your son's progress.

You need to help your children by educating them about how to be prepared for a girlfriend who may not be nice. You can get a counselor involved, a coparenting educator or counselor or a professional who can coach both of you on how to manage the girlfriends. I know that the other parent may deny the accusations. I would need to know more about your situation to give you specific advice on how to handle, but you need to help your children not be surprised by the yelling.

Deena Stacer but what if its a child custody case and part of the parent to parent allegations are yelling or fighting in front of kids...so how would another relationship doing the same or if not worse be acceptable

Or how would you respond or communicate with the other parent to avoid the kids being treated differently in their home with the other family

You are welcome!

It is hard to be a single parent. It is even harder when you know the other parent is making choices that are harmful to their health, and ability to be a good parent. High conflict parents require higher levels of strategies so you can really offer your children even a bigger world of love, nurturing and guidance.

Cita 1000 no it's a complete no no

Fatimah Katete can u explain why in your point of view? Now he's asking for her to stay for a wks than back to me for a wknd but I stay in LAS Vegas NV Nd he's on California...that's 4hours away !

You will have to talk to the other parent over major decisions relating to your children at any age, but there is a direct correlation between the amount of time you communicate with the other parent if there is conflict between you and them. There is a Coparenting equation to keep in mind and that is: Contact + Communication = Conflict. Ongoing contact or communication with the other parent leads to conflict Control the amount of contact and communication and you will reduce the conflict. For parents involved in high contested situations or parents who are very difficult to work together with, you must learn to reduce the amount of communication with them or it will be emotionally exhausting. It takes approximately 72 hour to calm down every time you have an interaction (email, text, telephone call, in person ... interaction) with the other parent. That means it is light's on-no one is home for the children if you are processing the argument or negative interactions that occurred. Hope this helps. Check out coparenting courses at parentsinconflict.com/ for coparenting tools and stories to help you calm down and protect your children from permanent emotional damage.

Dr Deena Realtor, very true. I guess the younger the child, the more communication required. Which makes it more difficult to avoid conflict. My situation is that the other parent is sometimes super high conflict and other times not. You never know what you're going to get. My child is less than 18 months old and we exchange her 2 or 3 times a week... So that leaves room for a hell of a lot of conflict. You can't exactly "parallel parent" a 16 month old.... Consistency is so important and best for the child. It's tough. I think he'd love to "parallel parent" but I don't think it puts her best interests at the forefront. I agree the emotional charge of every conflict takes time to settle. It's getting better but it took a few times to see howich it actually affected my child (she lives with me) thanks for the reply. I will look into your info further!

You will always need to communicate about the child's needs, schedule... Sometimes parents have way too much interaction with each other that is not productive. You can use a communication software program of some kind, you just don't need to communicate all the time over things that keep you revved up with anxiety if there is disagreement between parents on how one parent should be raising the children.

The good parent in a high conflict relationship has to work harder than the other parent who may not have the skills to parent at a higher level. Parenting to the 100th power is a motivating force when you know that it only takes one parent to get your children out of the middle and develop them into highly functioning children.

when you have a difficult coparent you have to think differently about your expectations, and respond differently to their actions. If they are disengaged, and don't want to help, you can keep inviting them to participate and work with you, but you also have to know that they may not feel comfortable parenting, or they may be too distracted by problems and they cannot parent as effectively as you want them to. Were they unable or unwilling to coparent during your relationship? If not, you can probably expect them to remain the same. Sometimes a parent who has been uninvolved steps up with a divorce or a breakup, sometimes they don't. If you are worried that the other parent's lack of help will damage your children, go find wonderful men, like coaches, teachers, extracurricular and church leaders who want to role model for your children and tell them you appreciate anything they will do to support your children growing up into fine young people. Good people always say yes. I'd be honored to help you by supporting you and your children. Coparenting counseling is usually done together, however, unless it is a court order that you participate, often the one parent who isn't not willing or able to work together will delay, refuse to participate, find excuses not to work together. My parentsinconflict.com classes address these problems more effectively. I hope this has helped you.

I teach a live class in San Diego. The parents do not come on the same night, because I have found it is hard to concentrate when the other parent is present. I have parents trade off if they both want to participate. I also have online classes, so it is easy to do the class on your own without having to be in the same place as the other parent. Check out parentsinconflict.com/ for help with the anxiety, fear, frustration and coparenting strategies to protect your children from the conflict.

No, it is best to attend classes on different nights because being in the same class together on the same night raises anxiety levels and you can't think or learn.