Hi Ms. Becky, I hear the hurt that you are feeling. I would like to wrap you in a big hug and give you some comfort and safety. When we like someone and are open about it, if it isn’t returned freely and joyfully, it hurts. Your emotion is genuine and absolutely valid. That you are continuing to argue and think about the incident, suggests you were not able to process the feelings the situation created in the moment that it happened. Usually, if we find ourselves ruminating or worrying about things after the event, it’s because the feeling(s) were too raw or overwhelming in the moment for us to have integrated the experience in our nervous systems. There are two things I would propose. The first helps you to process/integrate the feelings and the second relates to what you can control. First, I’d suggest sitting with that feeling if it’s something you feel you are able to do. So often, we disconnect from ourselves when something hurts and we numb ourselves in some way whether that’s drinking, overworking, shopping, going out all the time, getting lost in tv, etc. There’s a wealth of information, however, that we can glean from bearing the discomfort, and in my experience, it’s the path to healing. If we can get out of narrative (the he said/she said he did/she did story), attune to ourselves and explore the feeling(s) in our body, it will help us be better able to respond, rather than react. To that end, I suggest taking sometime alone in a safe space where you feel relaxed and bringing back the feelings the situation creates in you. Try to answer the questions below: • Where does the hurt show up in your body? Your chest, stomach, hands, throat, behind your eyes? • What sensations are present? Is the feeling hot/cold? Prickly or smooth? Sharp, dull, or throbbing? • Do you feel numb? • If the hurt were to speak to you, what would it say? • Have you ever heard the message that the hurt is conveying now at an earlier point in your life? What is the earliest time? • In that earlier time that you were hurt and heard the same message, what did the child inside you need in that moment? • Can you close your eyes and give yourself what you needed back then? Answering these questions helps you drop into your body (and get out of the story in your head) and become familiar with what the feeling is and what sensations are present. Then in the future if you get those same sensations, you will better understand what it means for you. Answering these questions also helps you understand what you need. If his actions upset you, what would you need to feel at ease? Do you need secure unconditional love? Do you need someone who is clear and authentic? Do you need comfort? Do you need to be considered? All of those needs are valid and are universal. If you can get still inside, you will know what you need and how to honor it. Some part of you is already honoring your needs. When you asked for an apology, a part of you spoke up on behalf of yourself and said that’s not okay for me. Keep following that, but focus on you, not him. If his actions are not okay for you, what is? Us that knowledge to define how you want to move forward. Perhaps it helps you learn to set boundaries. Or perhaps it helps you define what type of person you want to give your love to. Second, is to look at what you can control. That he is sending mixed messages and is not sensitive to the impact on you is clear. However, you cannot control what he does. You can only control how you receive the message. I want to be clear that I am not suggesting that you should change how you feel. I am not suggesting that you should be okay and accept his “joke.” Instead of thinking his actions were funny, you received a negative message. Honor that. But instead of asking HIM to change (by recognizing the error of his ways and apologizing), look at how he is handling the situation during and after the “joke.” Use his actions to tell you about how YOU can honor what you want and need in this situation. If everything that is in our journey can teach us something, what would you say you are you learning about yourself in this situation? Warmly, Megan

@@meganwarren6792 Thank you so much Megan. I have told him I can’t keep hurting myself by trying to wait for him and I’m moving on and not settling because I want more for myself relationship wise too! So he tried to encourage me to stay but I feel like that’s just what anyone not wanting to lose someone they’re accustomed to having around says, and I feel it is a good decision for me to move on… Thanks.

@@Ms.Becky. From your description, it sounds like your assessment of what was going on between you is accurate. It can be hard to walk away from someone you feel drawn to, but who isn't showing up for you, so make sure you take a minute to use a mirror and look yourself in the eyes and tell yourself how proud you are! You got clear on what you needed and acted on it. You can't see me, but I'm dancing! In terms of moving forward, it can be helpful to reframe what you learned you don't want into want you do want. E.g. "I don't want someone who plays insensitive jokes and isn't accountable for the impact his actions had" might become "In my next relationship, I will be with someone who notices my needs and treats them with care." From there, try to concretely describe what that could look like, so when you meet someone you can easily see if their actions (not only their words) honor the qualities you are seeking! What's cool is that when you continually show up for yourself, you begin attracting people and being attracted to people who treat you well!

@@meganwarren6792 Thank you so much. I’m much more confident with my decision now♥️♥️♥️thank you so much

Hi Olivia, yes! In any conflict (even passive unspoken conflicts), there are always at least two people involved. It could mean that you must forgive yourself for permitting, avoiding, or thinking you deserve something that happened. It can mean that you must forgive yourself for self abandoning, not showing up for yourself in that or those moment(s). It could also mean you must forgive yourself for not being able to do anything about it. This last one is complicated, but I find we most hold ourselves accountable and punish ourselves in situations were we are powerless and most need kindness and love. It's as if we gain control or power by blaming ourselves or the other person. If we go the self-blame direction, we use the self-improvement trap, "if I was better, thinner, prettier, smarter, less naive, stronger, etc." than it wouldn't have happened. We think "if I improve myself, I can stop bad things happening." Acceptance and self-compassion can be incredibly hard to offer ourselves, but they are also the biggest gifts we can give ourselves. They are also the gateway to being able to release the hurt. If you were to self-forgive, what would that mean for you?

Hi Fey, I missed your message somehow - I wish I hadn't! It sounds like you and your partner are taking the time to cultivate and care for your relationship, which is a great space to be in! I hear that you are able to take in his needs when you discuss things, but that in the course of life, sometimes you forget what you discussed or agreed to. You don't automatically punish yourself for forgetting (which is great! - we can never have enough self-empathy), but your partner is struggling when you forget. And watching his suffering is painful for you because you care about him. His hurt begins to make you question your own goodness. What you would appreciate is a reminder of what was agreed as he is doing, but you would also appreciate some understanding and forgiveness that you are human and you are doing your best. Did I capture that accurately? Before I make a suggestion, would you be willing to give me some more info? When your partner feels down after you forget something, do you know why? What drives the forgetfulness on your part? When you say you want your couple "to be okay again," what does that mean concretely? Look forward to hearing more about what's going on for you! Warmly, Megan

@@meganwarren6792 Hey, thanks for replying! Yes you captured that correctly! I'm just context blind so I often don't get/understand things and that annoys him. He feels down because he feels like I'm not listening to him, like he's talking to a wall and I get that. I'm just a forgetful person and I try to fe. get enough sleep but I have a lot going on so sometimes I just forget whole conversations, which is very weird. When I say I want us to be okay again I mean that we can laugh together and have fun together again without him feeling down still from what I said 3 hours ago and me feeling down because we can't have good talks etc. Thanks for replying! Kind regards^^

Hi Fey, thinking through this further, I am wondering how emotionally safe or secure you feel in the relationship? To be clear, I am not speaking about physical safety. I am wondering if your partnership creates a space for you to be yourself, to be wholly accepted, and to be able to be vulnerable? If we look at your actions or inactions in the relationship through a lens of self-protection (which is essentially why we do everything we do!) two key words/phrases pop out for me. The first one that popped up for me was the word “wall.” A wall is a form of protection, of creating distance. It’s an armoring up. If you look at Julie and John Gottman’s research on relationships, I am wondering if we could apply the word “stonewalling,” as in a form of self-protection where one partner hears criticism and mentally/emotionally steps out of the conversation, though they may still be physically present. They mentally/emotionally leave the conversation because they are in a stress reaction - flight or fight or play dead mode. This leads me to the other phrase that popped out “forgetting whole conversations.” It sounds almost as if you’ve tuned out for some reason. Or that you’ve subconsciously blacked out something that is painful? I would suggest that one reason you might tune out (if that is what you are doing) is not because you don’t care, but rather perhaps because it’s that you care incredibly deeply, and it’s hard to bear the feelings that your partner’s words or emotions brings up in you? If you are context blind - by which I understand you have difficulty reading social situations e.g. body language, tone, and other emotional cues? - it might feel like you are at sea without a compass to direct you. There would be no way to orient yourself. Maybe you feel a bit blind and the extra effort that understanding his feelings and needs takes requires energy that you don’t have in this moment? It sounds like you want a relationship that is resilient. One in which you can share and have the difficult conversations, but one that is based on understanding and giving each other the benefit of the doubt. A relationship where laughter and joy quickly follow the hard convos, or perhaps even appear during these discussions. If any of the above is incorrect, I would appreciate you correcting my understanding. If it is correct, I would suggest thinking through what ways of communicating in your partnership would help you both create a Brave Space (Brene Brown’s label for a space where you feel able to be vulnerable knowing you won’t be judged and criticized or attacked). Essentially, how could he communicate his needs in a way you could receive them, where you didn't feel like you had to put up walls to protect yourself? We often get caught up in the content of the relationship - what we are missing or the ways we want each other to change - but we forget that how we communicate these things is equally as important as what we are working through. Warmly, Megan

Hey! I do feel like I can be vulnerable with him but I do sometimes feel attacked I guess because he feels so strongly about what seems to me like a little mistake. I don't think that I have to build a wall around me though but it's hard to move on from the arguement if I don't have that "joy and laughter" afterwards, indeed. About the conversations that I forget or when I zone out, those are just normal conversations. They can rven be conversations about things I like talking about! And suddenly it's like my brain switches off and I don't know why that happens. Understandably my boyfriend then feels like I am not listening to him and he feels hurt and ignored, which I do understand. I iust wish I could change that I forget so much or stop listening in the middle of a conversation. I've tried to give him the option to take time alone if he feels hurt but that then turned out as us not talking for 4 hours because he needed that much time. This really drags him down and by that also drags me down, because I ofc love him and don't want to hurt him either but I'm also hurt because I feel like it wasn't that bad of a mistake, especially since I can't really control it/change me forgetting things etc. Kind regards and thank you for replying!

To go further into the word 'attacking', just because it's a really strong word, I don't mean physically or mentally attacking. I just mean that sometimes I'm surprised by the strong emotions that he's feeling because I didn't realise that that hurt him so much.

Zion, thanks for having the courage to reach out and share! When you are open about trying to figure it out, you create a safe space and a model for others to give themselves permission to explore! To answer your question, boundaries are only for you. You can’t determine what’s acceptable or not for someone else and you can’t control their behavior. So, setting personal boundaries does not control someone else’s behavior - it helps you control your behavior in a way that serves you. You determine what’s okay for you and what’s not. Then you set up boundaries that protect what’s acceptable, but still let you connect with others by communicating what works for you and what doesn’t in a kind and firm way. Looking at your specific example, when you say you love your body in response to body shaming, it communicates how you feel, but it doesn’t let them know that what they’ve said makes you feel bad. You are right, responding without telling them you aren’t okay with it, isn’t authentic. Yes, it is your work to examine why you are responding the way you are to their comment, but it is also your right to let them know how you feel. When you communicate boundaries, no matter how kindly and clearly you do it, others may not react how you hope. You don’t control their behavior. But be aware that their behavior is NOT a reflection of your value and needs. While you don’t control how they react to you or whether they change their behavior, what you do control is how you respond when you boundary is crossed. E.g. if they continue to engage in the behavior that you’ve clearly said isn’t okay for you, then you use that as a flag to determine how to best protect yourself. If you’ve communicated your boundary in a kind and firm way and people don’t respect it, then comes the hard part. You have to hold the boundary. If you’ve said body shaming isn’t acceptable for you and someone continues to do it in public or private, then you are giving them a choice. If they choose to cross your boundary, how will you respond? Perhaps it means that this person doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Someone who truly cares for you in a healthy way will try their best to respect your boundary. Where they have a long-standing pattern, they may slip up. That’s to be expected as we all need time and practice to get better at breaking patterns. That said, you continue to call them out on it (kindly & firmly) and hold them accountable for their behavior. Where you continue to tolerate someone doing it, you are selling yourself out. You are choosing to prioritize their way of being, their comfort, their beliefs over yours. You have a right to need what you need, to feel the way you feel, to be yourself. You are beautiful. You matter. One interesting thing that often happens when you begin to put boundaries in place is that others initially reject or fight against the boundaries because they are used to you being the way they see you. When you begin to feel confident or hold boundaries, they may resist because the old is familiar (and we all love the familiar!) or because they benefit in some way from you playing small. They may be reacting to you totally subconsciously - they aren’t mean people - but when you show up differently, it causes them to shift their own identities. For example, if they see you as less confident and you show up with more confidence, it causes them to question everything they know about you, themselves, and confidence. While these questions may not be formulated in their brain, these questions are certainly tangled up in their emotional reaction to you (thoughts + emotions = behaviors). And these tangled emotions drive the way they engage and react to you. I am including two links - one to a video I made on setting & holding boundaries, and another to a course I created. Keep noticing. Keep questioning. Keep trying new ways of honoring yourself! You are worth it! kzbin.info/www/bejne/fKGrk2uIetmVeKM www.udemy.com/course/make-life-work-for-you-boundaries/?referralCode=8D5810734A522EEEC6DD

@@meganwarren6792 Hi Megan! Thank you for your clear and thoughful answer. Its really helpful for me. I guess the part of being rejected, walking away or getting into conflict is not the biggest challenge. I think the biggest challenge is being vulnerable. Hence two more questions that i hope you will be willing to answer for me.... I deal with a lot of narcissistic people, and to show my vulnerability to them actually feels like giving them what they want. They do like to hurt others and it gives them a feeling of power. Is it really nessecary to also tell them how i feel when i set boundaries? Can i not just set the boundarie and tell them that their behaviour is not okay? In normal situations being vulnerable is not a problem for me. I love being authentic since its a great part of authenticity. Again, thank you for everything you do and i am happy and thankful that i found your channel. I have stated this question about boundaries in multiple commentsections, but now that i have read your answer i notice that most people are not aware of the right way to set boundaries. This was really helpful. I will make a screenshot from your answers so i can re read them whenever i need. ❤🧡💛 Much love and blessings!

@@zion367 Hi Zion, Vulnerability is courage under fire! You are so RIGHT! It is absolutely the biggest challenge most people (and me personally!) face. If you haven’t seen Brené Brown’s Ted Talk on vulnerability, it’s worth the time. www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en In her research on shame, she came up with vulnerability as the antidote. When I read that I thought “no way - that is taking the hardest thing to look at and adding an even harder remedy!” She suggests that the way to deal with shame (whether it’s ours or whether someone else is shaming us) is to be vulnerable about it, to show our humanity. That said, if you recognize that these people do not have your best intentions at heart (and maybe even if they do), it might be that they don’t deserve your vulnerability. Vulnerability is connected to trust, which has to be earned. If you don’t have a bond of trust with these people, you do not have a duty in any way to communicate how it makes you feel. Simply saying you are not okay with that comment and letting them know that if they choose to continue to make those types of comments, they will choose not to X (whatever that looks like for you e.g. not be friends with you) then you’ve done your part. You’ve honored yourself! And more than that you’ve set an example. You never know who else is watching and sees that honoring themselves might be possible too! How you treat yourself is often how others will treat you. When people see you setting and holding boundaries, over time they either begin to respect them or they disappear. In their absence, new people entering your life see that you honor yourself and have clear boundaries, so they honor you too. It’s a cycle - your new energy pulls people with that energy to you! As you set boundaries, come back and let me know how it’s going! I sense that what you are learning to do in this part of your journey is going to be transformational for you!

Thanks for the support! I've continued writing - just need to get back on film! meganwarrencoaching.com/blog/

@@meganwarren6792 ah you've got all those potential scripts from your blog ready to film! Thanks for sharing!

Hi Brenae, feeling like you aren't supported and cared for hurts. You deserve to be in a partnership that makes you feel replenished. Forgiving doesn't necessarily change your course of action. In fact, forgiveness might solidify your decision. Forgiveness, however, helps you understand the whole story from both sides so you can make the decision that serves you, rather than one that is reactive. The story I am talking about isn't the one that's external e.g. his reactions. The story that you will need to look at is the one in your head. What are you telling yourself about him and and about you when he doesn't help? If he is generally a good man, but you are considering divorce because you feel powerless to get a different outcome, stop. Wait, get curious. What is the story on your side and what is the story on his side? Don't make any decisions until you know the story you are telling yourself and if it's true. Otherwise you are making decisions in the dark. To give you an example, in my first marriage I felt alone and unsupported emotionally and with household logistics. The story I told myself was that my ex did not respect me and that I didn't matter. If I had value, he would see and do these things. We divorced. Later after doing my own internal work, I could see that the story that he didn't care wasn't perfectly true and also that I wasn't expressing my needs in a way that he could hear them or meet them. I don't know if the outcome at the end would have been different, but I suspect the process would have had a lot less suffering. Which is really the point of forgiveness. You are trying to forgive to reduce your own pain and give yourself the emotional distance you need to make an objective decision that serves you, rather than a reactive decision that causes more pain.

Your comment brought some sunshine into my day!

Being able to use the massive amount of energy we put into negative thinking toward something that supports us is so empowering! But it's also only part of the process - emotional regulation is also critically important!

Yes! It's about emotional freedom, not accepting another's actions. Be free!

Hi Denise, there are things that are absolutely unacceptable and should never be tolerated. Forgiveness as I understand it it isn't about justifying or approving wrongdoing. It is an internal voluntary process about letting go of anger, bitterness, resentment, the need for vengeance or any other feelings that prevent you from feeling peace. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, freeing yourself from the hold that those feelings have over you. Releasing those feelings does NOT mean that you justify or accept harm done to you or another as okay. Does that make sense?

Hi Denise, when the depth of wrongness is deep and the person(s) have not been held accountable or taken responsibility, it can feel truly impossible to forgive. But forgiveness isn't about "them." It's about you. It's about releasing the toxic emotions, so you can set down the weight of anger or shame or whatever feeling might be present and move forward. It's about releasing you from the experience, from the past, not justifying or excusing or accepting behaviors that are not okay. For some, it may be that they need to forgive themselves, which can be even more difficult than forgiving other, but which anchors you to the past just as strongly. If you are interested in exploring more about forgiveness, contact me on my website. We could have a free 30 minute chat. www.meganwarrencoaching.com

Unless you know whats happened in someones life then you cant understand why some things are unforgiveable

@@denisehutchins4499 Hi Denise, I would welcome hearing your story offline if you are open to sharing it. Reach out if you'd like to explore this further. Be well. [email protected]

My ex almost killed me

@@denisehutchins4499 Hi Denise, that sounds like a truly horrible experience. I'm so sorry that you had to endure that. You didn't deserve that, and it will never be justified or okay. I can't imagine the impact of that trauma. I would guess it affects every area of your life. I wish you safety and peace. Do you have access to support as you navigate this?