I know I am a type 5, but I don't identify with the isolation and pushing others away. It's true that I choose my people carefully and don't let many into my inner circle, but I can be very social when I want to be. I think it would be helpful to highlight some of the healthy positive qualities of the 5 or what a 5 can look like when they've done a lot of inner work and have healthy bonds with others. You live an entire lifetime with these tendencies. If you work on it, you learn how to let people in and find meaningful relationships.

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Tom, thank you for another awesome video! The camera was focusing on the bright spot behind you, on the shelves, that’s why exposure and focus were going in and out. It’s just a bit too bright, so the camera got confused and assumed that that spot was the main object.

So it was recognize and reframe? Some good tips. Awareness is the beginning. Pause, breathe, say the problem out loud (this is an amazing step to the reframe process). For me, when there is something that's rolling around up there in my head too much, I write it down or journal about it. The journaling comes from curiosity. Not to solve the problem, but to define how I feel and to step back from that identification with it, listen to the story the feeling wants to tell me. It sounds kind of crazy. But the more space I can create, the more grounded and clear I become. This kind of grew out of trying to see the problem from different perspectives and practicing that first.

I get so much comfort from your videos.

Thank you

the overlap between adhd tendencies and 7

I am a 7 with 6 wing. Thanks!

I have a few close ppl that are fours. it's ironic sometimes they care about how they feel, their suffering, more than how other ppl feel, other people's suffering. they get trapped in their own emotions that sometimes they don't care about the emotional repercussions of others.

Whoa!!!!!! This is so interesting. I thought I was a 2w3 but I may be a 4w3 after this!!! Jeez this is crazy it's really hard to tell the difference sometimes.

Thank you so much for taking the time to make a video about my comment I feel honored 😂. One other thought I wanted to share is while 4’s do crave deep connection and intimacy in relationships, there is an existential fear for them entering a truly intimate relationship. They fear losing who they are in loving someone else (it is similar to a 5’s deep dreadful fear of being utterly spent by a relationship). The process of being changed by love and comingling with another soul is beautiful but also terrifies them. It may be the 4’s biggest fear. Cynically, that “love” can sneak in and destroy who you are worse than any tragedy. Pretty much what the sx9 does in a relationship is the 4’s biggest fear lol. Fusion with another and loss of the self. But again relationships are always a 2 way street and a healthy 4 accepts a fluid identity with equanimity, they go through different forms and transformations in life with grace and nonattachment. It won’t scare them

This was helpful for me as an 8 w 7 married to a 9!

This is pretty interesting. In my little self improvement journey, I'm working through that "darkness/other" feeling. Honestly, diving deeper into religion was a big help. Every time I'm inclined to go down that, "I'm worthless because I lack, x,y,z" i remind myself "God didn't make anything worthless. Are you really gonna critique HIS work?" 😂 and weirdly, that helps. I've also been trying to be the initiator more and come down from my "castle in the sky" and mingle with the "pleebs". And would you know it....i actually feel INCLUDED when I STOP ISOLATING myself. 😂😂😂😂

I wasn’t sure what type my mom was until I listened to this. She must’ve been a 2!

I te d to disconnect and miss most of the talk about myer-briggs and enneagram. I have to keep replaying. I think i am a 9. Lol

I know I'm a 9-6-?. I can't decide which heart type suits me more than the others

Whew. My spouse is a 2, and our dynamic always feels like she's the Good Angelic One and I'm the Bad Demonic One. I ask on an almost daily basis, "What about me is good? I can't 'do normal', so what's special about me?" I usually get silence or changing the subject. It's been this way for 10+ years.

As a 4, the lens through which I view the world is like entering a haunted house - just long enough to get what you need to survive (forget thriving) and then running out as fast as possible before that fast moving tsunami overtakes you. It's basically push-pull of borderline personality disorder. Can't stay either inside or outside - I'm "homeless". It certainly appears more and more that from the Christian perspective - "this world is not your home".

8:25 I'm a 4 and I'm doing this unconsciously, I'm not sure why, I thought maybe because of the sense of responsibility as a friend, now after I heard this and thinking about it, it's making sense honestly

Wow. Just wow. Long comment ahead. I'm not sure whether I'm a 4, but this video is something else. I've been reluctant to type as a 4 for several reasons, one of which being the exclusivity and elitism surrounding this type in the community. Self-proclaimed 4s are banished to other type cabins (cough, mostly 6 and 9), and while there is absolutely nothing wrong with being either of those types, it sure does overcomplicate things. Also, the gatekeeping has sort of just... turned me off from typing as such. People put 4 on a pedestal, insisting it's some god-like figure of unparalleled distinctiveness. And I think to myself: "Wow, but I'm like... the absolute worst. So, yeah, probably not my type. I have to be the least desirable type, and clearly, that isn't 4. 4s are said to be remarkable. And I am anything but that." The bit about unstable identity was VERY interesting to listen to, not only as someone who has struggled IMMENSELY with this, but also as someone who has heard time and time again that 4s are incapable of experiencing this. Why? Because they're too sure of their identity; they would never submit or yield to others, let alone allow another person to tell them who they are. And so, I wrote off typing as 4 for... a long time. I don't understand why the typology community harbors such irascible anger toward anyone bold enough to claim this typing. But anyway, I digress... Naturally, I am very socially awkward. I lack grace. I'm clumsy. Self-conscious, shy, what have you. From a very young age (since elementary school), I've felt overwhelmingly guilt-ridden and ashamed of my introversion. I wanted to overcompensate. So people would love me. So I'd finally feel desired. Remarkable. Important. I just so happened to know typology, and so, I idolized one specific type: the 7. It felt like a hidden gem, something too good to be true. From my shallow understanding, this type was everything I yearned for. I didn't want to live in the shadows anymore. So, I embodied whatever it was I conceptualized this type to be. A total caricature. Whimsical, light, lovable, charismatic, gregarious, dynamic and inspiring. Finally. I struck gold. So, I made this my entire identity. My biggest fear was someone calling my bluff, since without this typing, I wouldn't know who I am. I would seek out people who had typed me as such. Confirmation bias. Spend more time around them. So they could validate this identity. Eventually, the mask shattered since I am (very clearly) not a 7. And I've finally come around to accept that. I not only pulled this with Type 7, but many other identities, both related and unrelated to typology. I've compromised my values, been all over the map with my identity. It's confused those around me, especially those who've been around long enough to see it all. Now, I feel invalidated by those who still believe any of my old typings. I feel ashamed of the lengths I went to. To achieve adoration. Acceptance. Love. I feel unseen by those who still type me this way since it's not truly who I am at my core. I am very reliant on external validation, which again, seemed to rule out 4 for me. But the sense of brokenness, deficiency, self-reproach, those are some of the most intense themes of my life. I have always longed to be someone else. Which seems anti-4. To epitomize everything my favorite fictional characters are, or even real people. That's what fed into the whole 7 thing. Because then, I would finally be somebody. No longer subhuman. Aside from assuming different identities and genuinely losing myself, there's the fact I cling to one specific person who has provided me love and validation in the past, so I keep coming after that. So this person can remind me I am worthy and loved. And when I don't get that, I freak out. I know it's a long comment. This is just what came to mind while watching. It hit very hard, even if I'm not a 4.

lol I am a six with no father or father figure what does that mean

Very interesting to hear all that about 4. As a 4 It is true that I did go for relationship with people who are not available. I know it now. I heard from people that probably I don’t want to be in relationships Because I am not in any relationship. But it is not true.

Very interesting to hear all that about 4. As a 4 It is true that I did go for relationship with people who are not available. I know it now. I heard from people that probably I don’t want to be in relationships Because I am not in any relationship. But it is not true.

I'm a 4 and have spent most of my life feeling like a black hole. The piece about being attracted to someone who behaves and seems to be what I wish I could see in myself, is so spot on! Thanks for the video. And thanks to Jigglemiester!

My head nodded til it rattled through the whole video. This is painful, and its not a Two's please like me. It is the Please find me that Fours, Twos, and even though not connected by a line, I feel Nines share. The difference being with Nines, they as a gut type when unhealthy go blank to what they are saying and acquiesce mostly unknowingly and end up just keeping going. But all three of these types, especially when struggling, I feel, are saying please find me to love me.

How does one find there ennegram instincts tom?! As well i agree with one commenter my two disintegration i can see I do not use much but I can see now Tom I definitely do!!!

In my case as a social 4 I must say everything you said is exact, true, except the point about the darkness approaching to the light. Not at all. Thank you for the video.

I'm a four and my husband is a one🙄...it's a struggle

Yeah this is the most accurate description I've heard of how me at my unhealthiest manifested. My inner world was on fire and I defaulted to my relationship dating an ego ideal being the sole factor of my identity, which was also a dynamic that was on fire and only got worse as we both destabilized. It took probably 2 years to rebuild self-trust and self-esteem, but I finally have an identity based from within for the first time in a decade and now I see how this is the only way for me to live. Instead of needing to ask someone else to tell me that I'm a good, smart, worthy person I now actually believe it at least a little bit telling it to myself. And I'm never selling myself off to have a quick and easy but ultimately hollow source of this validation again.

I'm an 8w9 AND a SX dominant 8. I've heard my entire life that I'm intimidating, intense, and a lot. My mom tells me "You're like a bull in a china shop." I used to think i was a 1 because I'm a rule follower. But then i realized its only when i think the rule is reasonable. If i don't, then i kinda go rogue and do my own thing.

Yes this is true...I am drawn to people who are closed off under stress for my validation... thanks

This brought up some very painful memories. This was good. Keep it coming.

Thank you for the reality check!

Embarrassingly this seems to be very true… I would love a video about how to get out of this messy, unhealthy situation!🤓 I would really love to hear your thoughts on this theme… Thanks for the interesting topics!🩵

This rings true. Melancholy is one thing but when things do not work out it heads to self-destruct. I enjoy your posts.

As a 4 I never understood what do line for type 2 has to do with me as I never used the needs of other people to win them over ; now that it’s compromising parts of my identity to gain acceptance is the thing 👍 true and makes sense to me

If everyone would just know everything about Enneagram types… the world would be a better place!🤣🤣🙏🏼

I would say a 4's disintegration to 2 remains fundamentally different from a 2's behaviors due to differing underlying motivations. The 2 is fueled by the sin of pride and a sense of false abundance. They seek to win over the outsider because it validates some feeling about how needed or valuable they are. The unhealthy 4 is spiraling into the sin of envy, and consumed by a sense of false deficiency. Opposite of 2. When disintegrating they, uncharacteristic of type 4, lose all sense of self and begin compromising their individuality and their values in an effort to please people. They are selling off parts of themselves in order to gain attention and approval. 4's crave deep intimacy, connection and understanding. In the absence of truth and purpose (integration to 1) unhealthy 4's become attention hungry to fill that void. Their sense of identity becomes dangerously amorphous and unstable (the core fear of type 4) according to their own perception; they don’t know who they are apart from others. They rely on love and reflected emotions from others to supplement these perceived gaps in their identity, hence them seeming needy at this stage. They may act either excessively nice to elicit love or "acting out" because a partner’s anger is still a form of attention and care. A middle or low level health 4 is still able to cope by withdrawing and dwelling on their own emotions. But a 4 at this low level is so consumed by self hatred and disgust they now find no peace in their inner world; they seek escape through a savior. If this last attempt to reach out is rejected or fails (often unfortunately the 4’s fault due to their own behavior…they’ve gone too far) the self reproach intensifies into self destruction. Now let’s consider what kind of person the 4 is trying to win over in this state. I don’t think 4’s necessarily pursue people solely because they’re unavailable out of pride like a 2 would (though 4’s do romanticize what they don’t have). 4’s try to keep or win over people that represent something core to the 4’s identity. They may be a key figure in the narrative a 4 tells themselves about their lives (“I am a loving mom, my kids are my world”, “I am a good boyfriend”, “you were my best friend at this point in my life”), it creates a bond of fidelity and commitment similar to a 6 in my opinion. But unlike a 6 it’s not about maintaining allies for support, but preserving a narrative about your life and identity. The figure may also represent an ideal. Something the 4 desperately wants in their own lives but finds lacking (sin of envy). They may represent success, beauty, intelligence, creativity, moral uprightness, courage, any virtue. The unhealthy 4, believing all these things exist outside of themselves, will act 2like to keep people in their lives who reinforce their sense of identity. It is as if they see themselves as only darkness, and the most they can do is stand close to the light, hoping some of it shines in. It is a dark, anxiety-ridden place for a 4 to be and the ultimate confirmation of all their negative self-beliefs. That they are never good enough as they are. Also this is all an example of the 4 defense mechanism of introjection, internalizing feelings and opinions of others, as well as traits in others they both admire and envy. Also that behavior you describe of trying to win someone over so they get off your back reminds me more of compliant 6 behavior, or a withdrawn sp5 or 9 trying to regain peace and solitude. Thank you for your videos Dr. Lahue. I hope you read this and I hope I was able to communicate clearly. Sincerely, An sp4

Type 1: 4:26

I’m a female counter 8 married to a 1. We are actually a lot alike. I scored second highest in 1(only a few points lower than my 8). I don’t have a 7 or 9 wing. I’ve watched your videos on the wings for 8s and neither describe me at all. I’ve taken the Myers Briggs a couple times and I’m a ENTJ or ESTJ, both make sense to me. I don’t put much stock in the Myers Briggs though because it seems like it’s more for corporate America than a stay at home mom like me anyway. I’m thankful for my 8ness, it comes in handy when I’m fighting for my special needs son. I can’t imagine being anything else.

I have an eight dad with anger issues and this is sadly very accurate :(

I think ones and threes are similar in this quirk in the way that they strive for perfection or success but only in the areas they deem important and often totally let other things go. I.e. a one or three who looks fabulous but their house is a wreck.

Thank you for this, my amazing enneagram 1 is struggling right now, and this is a message full of grace 🙂

What is the recommended enneagram test? Is it on your website?

These are Great questions indeed , Tom 👍thanks I ll always remember the powerful question you asked me during a session : « if you were to listen to you , what would you hear? » That really hit me, so much so I use it quite often in my own practice. Merci !

Love this! Love helping myself and other people change the things we can!!

Super! Great explanation, I'm 9w1, but I think that I was 9w8 when I was younger. I heard that wings can change during the lifetime 😊 Thank you 😊 Could you please recommend as well a good source on the internet where I can do an eneagram test for free?

Since i learned what kindness means i immediately started to apply it and i enjoy the o be kind to everyone… Thanks for the video and the reminder 😊

I'd say you are spot on with the self-preserving four, speaking from experience. "You will never know my pain" is not spoken as dramatic or as an invitation for inquiry, it's spoken as a fact.

I loved the video It was hard to understand but it is worth it to apply it Thanks ❤