let’s stop calling them a “partner”. they are much more like a parasite.

Only an honest judge can sol😢ve my problems. No resolve bossable.

But the narcs won't allow sivality they just lie and it feels like there is no hope for resolution so the only thing left is anger.

7:54

Ugh no thank you

My person was extremely avoidant with narcissistic traits as well. We were both insecurely attached. I started out as anxious but at the end of 12 years I had flipped over into a disorganized attachment. She confused me to death and turned my life upside down. She had walls around her a mile high. She was emotionally immature and unavailable. Totally cold. My view is if you come in contact with these people, run in the other direction as fast as you can. They are destroyers.

Their effect on people is similar to a narcissist. I dont care about walking on eggshells and making everything about them. Ridicolously self absorbed people.

Very quality rich comments and advice from people dealing with avoidants long term. I never the type to give up on people I care about but it looks like I need to save myself here.

Not true sometimes someone are not wanting to be in that mod when there to much pain to deal with you don’t have a choice sometimes and a few things that you said dont do I had my therapist do and it could of saved my life but if the person shut down for any little thing then yes what you said is right

The problem lies beneath the surface. Many people, in this case, the woman who seeks to talk to the husband, isnt really looking to communicate on a conscious level. Shes really only seeking validation, and happiness. Validation to continue bad behavior, and happiness because of low self esteem.

Very well explained (and I've watched hundreds of these) however, one assumption needs to be clarified; it's all very well advising how the 'enforced' anxious attacher should deal with the avoidant, but at the time how would the anxious one know the other one is an avoidant? It was only after being stonewalled (after which I subsequently I instigated no contact) that I looked for answers as to why I had been treated this way. It took weeks to discover the attachment styles.Throughout the relationship, her lack of intimacy (always satisfied herself though) led me to believe that she just wasn't into me...this eats away at you own confidence and self-esteem. It also begs the question 'does the avoidant know that they are just that, an avoidant?'...moreover, do they realise how cruelly and despicably they are treating unsuspecting victims every single time?

Ask me with 30 yrs of exp. Nothing works. I had to compromise, give up my needs in order to make this abnormal arrangement (not a relationship) work. Quit asap if you have a chance to save your sanity. These black holes will suck the light out of you.

A caring heart can try to help the controller and it doesn’t help either of them

I see a lot of these people at parties they just cannot for the life of them have a neutral conversation. If you’re not entertaining them it’s like they’re dead.

This is what Jesus Himself thinks about it: "So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth." Revelation 3:16

15 year sexless marriage, 8 years without touch, kissing or anything - she simply wants to live within her walls and not "feel" anything. even avoids looking me in the eye or being close physically. Not reason, no abuse, she just shut down and numbs out. I spent years frustrated, angry and questioning my value and myself. No longer. We are going to marriage therapy / sex therapy - but unless she addresses her issues (and they are her issues) it's not going to work. 23 years down the drain. It is control, her parents were divorced and not emotionally available - Mother was abusive and cruel to my Wife. I can adjust the aloofness, but the removal and avoidance of physical intimacy is killing the relationship.

Am learning much about controller, I now realize how I have been a victim without knowing it. Here in Kenya many people go through this kind of life without knowing.

Umm dont try to fix things trust me

You don't

Walk away walk away

Because he is fake. He likes the idea and the image of being a family man. But its not real. Its a card board cut out and we are gaslight into bealiving this is real when its not.

#1. The "what?" after everytime I speak!! I do not like repeating myself! A bad habit? A button to push? #2. "Why?" The narc asks a question. Then I answer. Here come the 'why?' Give it up already! 3yr old mentality in an adult person??!! Thanks.😉👍♥️

Great message. Thanks. 😉👍♥️

There is no way of having a connection that is meaningful with these people. They are totally void of meaningful. From a distance you can accept them, but up close it’s a battle you will lose! There is no point. It’s superficial all the time. It’s utterly hopeless, empty and extremely lonely. 😢💔 They are hyper focused on everything and anything that avoids you. You do not matter.

You cannot have a healthy response to them. There is no healthy on the table. It’s all about them.

Hubby chased me and couldnt get enough of me for 8 years. Was attentive, spent quality time and communicated. Heaven on earth. To experience it was amazing. Then I had a 4 year roller coater illnesses. He took care of me but and his hobby went for balanced to all he talks about and spends all his time doing. I didnt mind as I was working on getting my health back. Now Im feelibg better and want to live life and do things again. Now he is too busy, breadcrumbs out of guilt and only can talk about his hobby. Thete is no balance and no longer any deep conversation. I decided to learn about these attachment styles. The moment I go do something on my own because I cannot sit and wait for him to give me a breadcrumb, he suddenly chases to hang out but when I get home its him ignoring again. It is confusing but will keep learning and keeping myself busy with friends and activities.

Manipulaters took my child from me and use my condition house as a tactics

It's very pleasant to hear. Thanks for a warm video!

My daughter in law, manipulate my son and grandkids. How do I stop her?

Whats the point? Yeah you hear alot about. What are you talking about.

Listening to this is exactly what am going through. My husband refuses to talk or discuss issues no matter how you feel there is no empathy towards your emotional needs when you push a little for a conversation he gaslights you and turn it against you and push you away with malice and wrong attitude. We are married for 26 years now but this last two years has been extremely difficult Marriage years a lot has changed about him and i wonder at the new man i have now. He definitely different from the one i married and fell in love with.

AVOID THE AVOIDANT. WE ALL GO THROUGH HARDSHIPS AND THEY STILL CHOOSE TO BE THAT WAY. THEY DO NOT EVEN WANT TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP. AN ADULT WHO DOESN’T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND DOESN’T THINK HE/SHE IS WRONG IS IMMATURE

It’s best to avoid avoidant ppl

I’m not sure why the hell the avoidant fights so hard to keep the other person! They can live in their fantasy world, as we move on to someone who is not avoidant! Why the hell do we need to babysit these sick individuals?

Avoidants can also have a pornography addiction history, it wouldn’t be a good thing to remain with someone who can’t even be intimate. Being robotic intimately will automatically repel a woman.

The best thing you can do is just “Know how they are.” Once you know how they are you have a Birds Eye view of how they operate. You knew they were going to ask you for something or lie to you so you don’t have to be upset. Don’t try to calculate how to get them back, or “I did this last time now he can do this!” That’s how you will always find yourself irritated and losing. Keep your peace! If they ask you to do something, big or small, if it is within your ability and you aren’t over extending yourself just do it. Keep your peace. Be a good person. “If your enemy is hungry feed him.” Jesus said this and it was wise because you might win that person over and they might start to do good and realize they are manipulative. Alot of these manipulative people tend to get joy when they see you trying to beat them and they gaslight you and say “No I’m not” and do it again! There is no real communication with them. manipulative people don’t change when you voice your concern. You think maybe they don’t understand what I said, so you try to break it down to elementary. They hear you, they don’t care. Just stay a good person.

Also, I am not a wife("Stepford Wife"), a robot, and I don't live in CT. I do have friends who live there. :-)

I am not a robot. His behavior "does not compute"! (original Lost In Space tv series, I am safely on earth, without his "guidance system"

Thanks. I am taking me back to myself. I am a "free" agent. Dad(the narc) has no business controlling me.

My question is how to respond when they walk away? It happened to me. I gently asked "Can we talk about this some more & come up with more solutions?" She simply walked away with no response. I did also, but was very upset inside. How could I have handled that in adifferent way?

This is very helpful. Married for 17 years and although I recognized my husband has been emotionally unavailable for a long time…I didn’t have the words to articulate that and to learn how to work within those parameters. Thank you!

👍

I think these comments are full of people who are needy and at the same time, feel like they're entitled. It's not selfish to not bother your partner with your emotions, it's selfish to dump them on o your partner. And you're never owed physical intimacy, claiming that your partner is abusing you because they don't want to be as intimate as you want them to is creepy/predatory/take your pick. I also think that having your "self-esteem" destroyed because your partner is distant is also ridiculous, why is your self-esteem tied to your partner?

If you are considering persuing a relationship with an avoidant...reconsider. You will not feel loved, valued or appreciated. You will rightfully feel anxious in a relationship that is humiliating, degrading, and lonely. You can't change them. If they want to change, they should do it before involving another person in a non- relationship. Avoidants: Recognise that your behavior is abusive and get help before inflicting your problem on another. Maybe consider partnering with another avoidant rather than someone who seeks the warmth and understanding of a healthy union.

When dealing with people with AVP disorder they are difficult to extremely deal to deal with due to their extremely low shame tolerance level as they tend to take almost everything personally. If they do talk then they will also tell you lies to avoid any shame. All I can say is extremely poor parenting doubles or even triples the nature of AVP or NPD when the children reach adulthood. To make thing even worst is that people with AVP and NPD do not even realize they have these mental disorders so having these individuals seek treatment is literally impossible since the law states that anyone suffering from a mental illness is not required by law to seek treatment unless they are a danger to themselves. The question then becomes "What is 'How does one define the phrase a danger to themselves'?" (if the person with AVP does not want to seek treatment?) I do also know that this same individual also shows many of the signs associated with AVP, NPD, and learned helplessness as well. It's hard to deal with a person with AVP, especially when they have multiple co-existing mental disorders due to co-morbidity.

I have an avoidant husband and i have been going insane with his avoidant personality and clashing thoughts. On one side, I do know in my heart that he is a good man, he does love me, we went through a struggle to be with each other, got married young etc. On the other hand, intimacy always takes a backseat. We used to engage in bad fights over the years because the moment I expressed my needs, he became explosive and painted me in a bad light. Over time, with the help of such videos, reading up on this personality type & self awareness of own anxious attachment type (because I grew up without my dad and lost my mom at a young age), I made some changes in myself and noticed things DID get better with him. I noticed him making an effort too, where I knew he was merely making an effort for my sake, but remember you cant change someoen to think and feel like you. as long as the effort is coming, it means something. When I stopped 'demanding' my needs being met, giving me more time, doing things for me in a certain way (my love language) and took out complaining and accusatory tone and words out of our discussions, I was able to notice some positive changes. He became more open, shared more, was not as evasive as he used to be (because the fear of criticism reduced somewhat), even started making expressive gestures (a little bit) and became more in tune of his responsibilities. towards me. He's still the same guy that honestly, I am annoyed with almost everyday but being married for almost 8 years I have noticd that every person has their vice, it may sound cliched but NOBODY is perfect. Honestly, it is EXTREMELY hard work, it's like you constantly train yourself to be a less sentimental, brave, calm person (especially if you're an anxious, insecure in love kind of person) but over time, you will realize that avoidant people in most cases are victims of their neglectful & abusive childhoods. While I am NOT advocating avoidants, knowing first hand how lonely & empty you feel with them, but they're NOT BAD PEOPLE. if we go on leaving people for who they are, everyone would be single. I believe God really does want you to be self-reliant and explore that whole universe in yourself that you are. yes, love and affirmation is important, but they're not all your life, just parts of it. dont rely on others to make you feel loved and validatated. Final thing: learn to appreciate what people spell out in their own love language rather than enforcing your own and as long as the partner IS making some sort of effort for the relationship, hang on :)

inverted freemason

Nope, im done...im moving on. All of this talking would not work, his family is the same way...no questions asked, no talking about real issues ,being fake is the key.

Yes exactly. Indeed with narcissist is very cruel. My ex boyfriend is very emotionally abusive. I'm having coaching sessions about this.

He never spent time or take effort to send any message in a day.. Its been years and I think its not normal for a married couple not to communicate in a day but for him he use to say what are we going to talk about his busy at work but for his gf he can do it from time to time even check their group mesaages and keep on reading whatever she sent and reacts with emogi.. This is why Im saying be with her now and freeing him now.. He can do for her but he cant to it for me